Thursday, February 18, 2010

We Just Need To Play Our Game, Have Fun And Stay Off Our Medications

OK you thought the Superbowl was a couple of weeks ago, right? You thought it was all about the metaphorical return of the City of New Orleans made real by the victory of their professional football team, right? You thought it was about one of those moments when art, or at least sports imitates life, right?

Silly person(s).

Your friends here at Ironicus Maximus Central are here to tell you that superbowl you thought was the superbowl was nada. Zip, zilch, the big goose egg, the front room of Mr. Zee Ro's house in null city. We got the real superbowl going on now, babies and it ain't about no football. It's about standing right up in front of god and everybody and throwing off the blinders of reason, casting out the evil of rationality, exiling the temptress of thought.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Race for the Retards, welcome to the Incomprehensible 500, welcome to the Stanley Chump all rolled into one. Welcome to TEH SOOPERBOLE O' STOOPID!!!

The contestants:

The Utah Legislature, otherwise known as the Utes, as in Ute think people who wear sacred underwear wouldn't want to draw attention to themselves.
Utah's House of Representatives has adopted a resolution condemning "climate alarmists", and disputing any scientific basis for global warming.The measure passed by 56-17.
"We're actually kind of looking forward to Provo becoming a port city," said one legislator who voted for the resolution.
The original version of the bill dismissed climate science as a "well organised and ongoing effort to manipulate and incorporate "tricks" related to global temperature data in order to produce a global warming outcome."

When  asked what "tricks" scientists employed, one legislator responded, "Well, you know, all that mathematical mumbo jumbo. I never did trust algebra. Thought it was some kind of code dreamed up by the catholics."
In the heat of the debate, the representative Mike Noel said environmentalists were part of a vast conspiracy to destroy the American way of life and control world population through forced sterilisation and abortion. "First they come for the glaciers, then the white babies," he said.
Odds makers say Utah has an outside chance due to their ability to spout off the wall crazy stuff without prompting, but they don't do well on the road. Next up: Texas:

Texas became the first state to challenge the Environmental Protection Agency's finding that gases blamed for global warming threaten public health.
"Just 'cause people might die from it, don't mean it's bad," said governor Rick Perry. "People die everyday from all sorts of things. We gonna outlaw guns and liquor too? OK bad example."
Gov. Rick Perry and other Texas officials said the federal finding is based on flawed science and would harm the state's economy.
"Them pencil necks is a saying people got to breathe clean air and drink clean water, but I'm saying if a bubba cain't jump in the pick up and drive down to the quickie mart for a six a long necks and a carton a Marlboros, we've lost what it means to be an American," Perry said. "'Sides, most a our crap blows into Arizona anyway."

Handicappers say Texas has a real shot as their stupid goes beyond just the legislature into most areas of the government. But they also point to Virginia who has joined Texas in the lawsuit as a dark-horse with an outside chance. "We're too stupid to come up with stupid ideas on our own," said Virginia Attorney General Kenneth Cuccinelli. "That ought to count for something."

All observers agree though, that the odds on favorite has to be South Carolina.

South Carolina will no longer recognize U.S. currency as legal tender, if State Rep. Mike Pitts has his way. Pitts, a fourth-term Republican  introduced legislation  that would ban what he calls “the unconstitutional substitution of Federal Reserve Notes for silver and gold coin” in South Carolina. If the bill were to become law, South Carolina would no longer accept or use anything other than silver and gold coins as a form of payment for any debt, meaning paper money would be out in the Palmetto State.
 "Shoot, denying facts and ignoring math and science and stuff? That's little league,"Pitts said. "This is South Carolina man. I'm talking about going back to the gold standard. I'm talking about stuff so crazy people haven't even thought about it in years!"

Experts point out that should South Carolina make it through the competition without having to institutionalize Mr. Pitts, they will have a substantial advantage.

2 comments:

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Yep, its a whackadoo lottery.

S. Carolina has a bunch of apocalyptic crazies that want to secede from the Union and make the whole state into a New and Improved Waco Compound. So by returning this to the Gold Standard, this would be a symbolic victory for these fuctards to keep inching their way in that direction.

No one has explained to me how they are going to talk the Navy and the Marines out of their numerous holdings in that state on the coast though.

Among other things.

And I know you probably didn't know this, but Ute--is the name of a Native American Tribe out that way. They might not take kindly to being accidentally lumped in with Mormons. There are some racially charged passages in the Book of Mormon that have a tendency to set folks with a tan on edge.

scripto said...

"No one has explained to me how they are going to talk the Navy and the Marines out of their numerous holdings in that state on the coast though."

No sweat. Just drag all those old cannon (every town has one) to the fence with a fleet of pickups and dump a Sumpter on em. Or maybe lure them out with trails made of thousands of little bottles of hooch.