And If Jesus Was Here Right Now He Would Totally Poke You In The Eye With A Sharp Stick

Hey, you know it's hard out there for a christian. You try and stand up for the lord and The Man slaps you down. Yesterday we told you about Pastor Don who, figuring that the the all mighty, omniscient, omnipresent, timeless ruler of the universe was having metaphorical sand kicked in his face by a bunch of high school kids decided to intervene on behalf of the apparently somewhat milquetoast deity, and what happened?

Warner Robins police spokeswoman Tabitha Pugh says officers asked Crosby and the group to leave. Crosby refused and was arrested, she says. Others in the group dropped the protest.

The Man slaps you down. Well, in this case The Woman, but that only makes it worse. We mean, would Mary Magdalene tell Jesus to take his sandals off before he came in the house because she just swept the dirt and those holy feet sure don't look like they've been walking on water?  No way.

That brings us to today's sad tale of another one of the 228 million christians in this country being oppressed by the...um...rest of the people who are...ah...like...erm...one forth of the population. OK never mind.  The point is, our good friend Terry Jones has figured out that the Islamo-people have been reading this book that says Allah is all like way cooler than Jesus and that's why they're out all over the place running around and busting stuff up. Of course Pastor Terry knows Jesus is much too nice to get out the holy smite on these rag heads, so he figures the next best thing is for him to step in and to go all Fahrenheit 451 on their falafel eating buttocks.

Now, you don't have to be one of them fancy theologians to know Jesus would be totally down with this, but what happens?

Gainesville city officials have denied a burn permit for a church that plans to burn copies of the Quran on Sept. 11. Interim Fire Chief Gene Prince said Wednesday that an open burning of books is not allowed under the city's burning ordinance.

The Man steps in and slaps you down. At least it is a man this time. But you know, when the eternal ruler of the universe is under attack from a bunch of folks who only want to go back to the 13th century, you just can't take no for an answer. Pastor Don said it best:

"I don't scare easily. Lock me up as many times as you have to lock me up. Even kill me if you have to. I'm standing up for Jesus."

And Jesus appreciates the effort too, we're sure Pastor Don. Now, you may not be rewarded with 72 virgins for your martyrdom, but we have to believe that when you get to the pearly gates Jesus is going to remember that when it came to inappropriately named high school sports teams, you had his back. What about you Pastor Terry, do you have the fire? Uh...the fire of faith we mean, we're figuring you already had someone lay in a supply of lighter fluid for the books and stuff.

In an e-mail sent out Wednesday, the church said, "City of Gainesville denies burn permit — BUT WE WILL STILL BURN KORANS."

Oh amen Padre, amen. It's just like Jesus said, "Lay the beatdown on old Abdul if he can't get his mind right with god." Or words to that effect. We're paraphrasing here.

One technical question though Pastor Terry. Jesus is written about in the Qu'ran. When you burn them are you going to burn the parts that say he was the messenger of god sent to the people of Israel, or are you going to cut those parts out and just burn the Islamoterrorist manual on how to blow up Americans part?

Personally, we'd go with cutting parts out like Thomas Jefferson used to do with the parts of the bible he didn't like. Lord knows that man was all for opening up a cold can o' christian whupass on them musselman fellers.

God Is Love. Don't Make Us Hurt You To Prove It

We're coming to you today from the Mark 12:30-31 Department. Mark 12 is a division of the Golden Rule Company, a wholly owned subsidy of Ephesians 4:32.

It seems some of the flock have taken in upon themselves to inform the heathens of the error of their ways. In a loving and godly fashion of course.

Those behind a sign posted in front of their northwest Gainesville church, proclaiming in red letters "Islam is of the devil," say it's a way to express their religious bigotry and yet it is a message of a great act of love. "Well, if by 'love' you mean praying for the filthy ragheads to burn in hell," said the church's senior pastor, Terry Jones. "I mean that in a most christian way," he added.

"It's an act of saying there is only one way, and that is my way, so toss the prayer rugs and get your falafel eating behinds over to a Zondervans. It is about pointing the people in the right direction, and that right direction is Jesus and only Jesus," said Jones. "Look, they don't call them 'hellfire' missiles for nothing. Your choice Abdul."

"We actually posted the sign because we just found out there's Islamics right here in America. Them Muslin fellers are trying to be violent and oppressive but they don't have anything to do with the bible," Jones said. "You want violent and repressive? We got the smiting and the laying waste that makes old Allah look like a boy scout.

Jones said, in spite of what the sign says, the church's outreach effort doesn't look at a person's faith when it comes to offering help. "You best not be wearing one of them burka things though, or that there Hindu hat, or we may have to lay the spirit of the lord upside your head. Just saying."

"I think every pastor, every Christian pastor in this city, must be in agreement with the message. They might find the message a little bit too obviously bigoted, but they must be in agreement with the message because the only way is our way and the Bible and Jesus says we get to bust a cap on their unbelieving buttocks," Jones said. "Kill their camels too," he added. "Nothing personal, just doing the lord's work."

Saeed R. Khan, the president of the Muslim Association of North Central Florida was calm in his response to the church's sign. "There are a couple of things on this that come to mind, and first there is freedom of speech," Khan said. "People are free to say, but then society has to think about it. When it becomes inflamed, the reaction on both sides can be detrimental to the people that live there. You have to make some kind of balance."

Khan said he was surprised such a sign would have been erected in Gainesville, a place where he has lived for 30 years without feeling oppressed or discriminated against for his beliefs. "Normal people generally - if they have something to say - they can come and talk to you," Khan said. "Then there are the christians."

"Sometimes when you're an ignorant bubba, it's easy to demonize someone you don't know," Khan said. "I would rather sit down and see what the issues are. Too bad those bozos talk in tongues all the time."

"We are definitely not trying to open up dialogue, create interest, create awareness, or get people to think," Jones said. "It's just that the lord told us we gotta get our smite on, in Jesus' name amen."

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Hey, Monday is the official start of drinking in the yard while the burgers burn on the grill, and you pass out but don't have to worry about freezing to death season...um...we mean summer, so let's revive an Ironicus Maximus tradition that we mostly don't remember because we're...ah...passed out in the yard? No wait, that's not it. Say, somebody want to get those burgers? Smells like they're burning.

Where were we? Oh yeah, Hounds Home For The Holiday, but first, let's see what the overlords are doing to protect their investment because, you know, the units...erm...the greyhounds are their livelihood, so there's no way their not going to give them the highest level of care and attention.

Freeway Petey got his name on his way from Sarasota to Tallahassee. He was in a kennel in the back of a truck, with another greyhound. They fought, and it was loud enough that the driver pulled over. He tried to break it up. It was 4 a.m. on May 9, on Interstate 75. One of the greyhounds escaped, and the name Freeway Petey has stuck ever since.

Now, in this overlord's defense, because we all know how calm and laid back greyhounds are, he figured cramming two dogs into a space made for one and driving them all over the countryside day and night wouldn't be a problem. Certainly, as a highly trained, experienced handler and trainer he couldn't have predicted the situation would turn out the way it did.

No one knows exactly what happened in those 14 hours Petey was loose.

Well, one thing we do know for sure, every overlord in a 100 mile radius was going up and down that highway looking for Petey, we mean, how many times have people like Elaine told us "we love our dogs" right? Wait, what's that you say? The overlord who lost Petey just went on home and some guy just happened to find him 14 hours later?

Petey was in poor shape. Over the phone, the man told Kendra Stauffer, foster coordinator for the Gainesville chapter of Gold Coast Greyhound Adoptions that Petey had some deep cuts. When Stauffer got to Petey, it was worse than she thought — Petey needed emergency medical attention. "We didn't think he was gonna make it through the first 12 hours," she said. "He was very dehydrated. The first day was pretty touchy." She whisked him to the University of Florida veterinary hospital and provided her own credit card. The charge: $1,500. By Friday night, the bill was $3,400. They had to pull Petey out of the vet hospital and watch him as he recovered. There was no more money. It looked bleak.

 See? Now that's the kind of commitment to greyhound welfare we're talking about. Who says the overlords just view the dogs as interchangeable commodities, only possessing value as long as they can make a buck? Oh wait, Kendra Stauffer isn't an overlord. She's one of the people who come along and clean up after the overlords. OK, our bad. Still, we bet Petey's owner caught the first thing smoking to get down there and take over Petey's care once he found out.

She contacted Petey's owner through a tattoo all racing greyhounds get. The owner said he would relinquish care.

Oh. Umm...well...er...OK look, give the guy a break here will you? We mean, just take a look at the dog:

It's pretty obvious he's never going to race again, so what do you expect the overlords to do? It's just business, nothing personal there Petey. Maybe you can find a sucker to pick up your tab.

Over the weekend, something happened, though. Stauffer put photos of Petey on Facebook and started updating regularly. Media outlets picked up the story, and the donations kicked in. Stauffer said contributions have come from as far away as the UK. Some message and say they're on a fixed income, and give $5.

Dang. People who don't even know the dog and will probably never see him in real life care more about him than the ones who tell us he is their life. Who could have predicted, huh Rowdy?

Rowdy is very outgoing and independent. He loves to be with people and/or other dogs. He is cat safe and gets along with his foster’s two Huskies. He loves to be petted. He loves to go for walks, play ball and play with his stuffies. He loves kids. He cannot do stairs but his foster is working with him on this issue. Rowdy would do wonderful in any type of family home environment. He is used to being with other dogs in the home so would probably do best in a home with another dog. He is housebroken and does not require crating. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.