Friday Hound Blogging

Sir Issac Newton taught us that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.Well, taught you maybe. Physics was never a major interest of ours except for the ballistics part when we got to build a catapult. It was just a desktop catapult, but still, that poor science teacher learned an important lesson about adolescent boys and the ability to launch projectiles in an enclosed area. We heard he took a job as a long haul truck driver after he finished his therapy. On the bright side, the Principal learned never to walk into a classroom without knocking first.

We tell you this because it seems Sir Issac's law is also applicable to the overlords. See, for the last, oh we don't know, twenty years or so, they've been taking a beating from people who have souls due to the fact that to be an overlord means you are basically a tick on the body of society. Now, we don't mean to insult ticks or anything, but you have to admit, when you take the oldest breed of dog there is, a dog who has been the companion of Pharaohs and Kings, a dog celebrated in literature and art, and you turn it into a commodity just so you can avoid working for a living, then, when that dog has given you everything it has you toss it aside like yesterday's newspaper, or worse, well, you got to believe that's going to upset some folks.

Anyway, enough is enough of that stuff, and now the overlords are pushing back. First of all, they want us to know they have standards:

PLANS to sponsor greyhound races as part of the Australian Sex Party’s Broadmeadows by-election campaign have landed the party in the dog house. The party, which is fielding candidate Merinda Davis in the February 19 Broadmeadows by-election, was told yesterday by Greyhound Racing Victoria it could not sponsor two races at this Saturday’s meeting at the Broadmeadows Greyhound Club.

Well, there you go then. We'll let the dogs get horribly injured, we'll starve them, we'll abandon them, we'll sell them for medical research, we'll even kill them, but expose them to nekked people? No way.

After all, greyhound racing is "a golden opportunity."

It never ceases to amaze me how people locally seem too often first focus on the negative. To me this project would give another first class leisure facility to Towcester and give a much-needed boost to the local economy.

Oh speak it brother man. We mean, sure dogs are going to endure heartless cruelty and meaningless death, sure people are going to lose the rent money and end up eating cat food in a refrigerator box, and sure the government is probably going to end up subsidizing the whole shebang like it does everywhere else, but is that any reason to back away from a "first class leisure facility?"

Yes there are some obstacles to be overcome...

A few, we would say, but we need to “forget about the mindless noise made by negative souls”.

LONG-time Murwillumbah greyhound enthusiast Cyril Boylett has urged towns- people to welcome a plan for a modern greyhound track as great news for small business, tourism and the community.

Darn straight. It's a well known fact that Social Security recipients, the disabled and people on fixed incomes often travel the world in search of the excitement of greyhound racing. It's a cash cow, man!

Mr Boylett said he and other trainers were devoted to their greyhounds.
“We have two old brood bitches that live mainly in the house,” he said.

Ha! Well there it is then. Is there any stronger testament to the commitment the overlords make to the units...er...the dogs. We mean, this guy's been in greyhound racing for thirty years or more. He's gone through hundreds of dogs, and two of them sort of live in the house. What more needs to be said huh Opie? 

Opie is a happy-go-lucky guy who is still young at heart. He is friendly, trusting, affectionate, and playful. He follows the foster dad everywhere. He will put his front legs on the bed in the morning and paw at you to be petted. Opie looks especially cute when he is feeling very alert and points both ears straight up with just the tips curled over. He also loves to sit when he thinks he hears someone near the cookie jar. Opie would do well as an only dog or with other dogs. He has lots of energy for a senior and appreciates going for a walk or playing outside. He would be happy in a working family, or one that is home more often. He would probably do well with well-mannered children. He loves to be outside, so a family that would include him in outdoor activities would be great. His size would allow him to fit well in a smaller home or condo. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Silver update: Silver's Vet check was perfect, all shots up to date, teeth cleaned and ready for some serious couch time.

Say Ten Hail Marys And Four Our Fathers KTHXBAI

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that the only sensible response in the face of a cold, chaotic indifferent universe is acquiescence...er...we mean know that we were raised in Peter's posse yet, in the intervening years drifted from our brothers and sisters in Christ due to the fact that it slowly dawned on us during our adolescent years (which may still be going on by the way) that we weren't living in the 13th century.

Not that we didn't enjoy the whole dominus vobiscum, save the pagan babies by selling over-priced statues of the virgin Mary, try to get Dolores Bratvakowski to give us a smooch in the coat room after CYO experience, because we really did. Well, except for the part where Dolores ratted us out to the Monsignor and he gave us the speech about how you couldn't mess with the wimmenz until you married one, then you could make her do whatever you wanted and god was OK with that.

Intriguing as that possibility was, it was shortly after that we ran into Mary Margaret Chilanewski, who apparently hadn't gotten the memo about the proper stand off position she was supposed to take vis-a-vis people like us and, well one thing led to another and pretty soon the only thing we used our extensive Latin vocabulary for was exclaiming O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!

We tell you this by way of introducing what may be the harbinger of the church's entrance in the present age, namely confession by iPhone.

It seems as though the Catholic Church really really wants us to go to confession, so much so that apparently it has sanctioned a new iPhone app aimed at bringing some of the wandering sheep back into the fold. You can now wipe your slate clean with Confession: A Roman Catholic App, available through iTunes for $1.99.

Now, is that pope guy a hep cat or what? No more dragging your hung over carcass to the church Saturday afternoon to get your sins forgiven by the equally hung over Padre, only to go out that night and collect and butt load more.  Now the enterprising miscreant can almost wipe 'em as he does 'em. It's like 24/7 absolution man, as long as you've got service. We'd recommend purchasing the Verizon model iPhone because you'll need at least three bars consistently to reach heaven. Besides, ATT? That's for Lutherans.

We have to admit this almost has us considering retuning to the fold. We mean, what's in the pipeline? Angry Cardinals? Smite the evil pigs and send them over the cliff, just like Jesus did. Judasbug? See if you can hop Iscariot all the way to heaven before god notices. This could be the thing that brings the church back from that whole pervy thing, right Father?

A spokesman for the Vatican, Federico (Freddy Spoons) Lombardi said:  ‘I must stress to avoid all ambiguity, under no circumstance is it possible to "confess by iPhone because even the most cursory glance at the bible will convince you that Jesus was totally an Android guy.’

Dang! Well, wonder if we still have Mary Margret's number around here anyplace...

Just Wondering

Hey, remember Wikileaks? Didn't all the media tell us that supposed to be the end of civilization as we knew it? Weren't we all supposed to have been overrun by screaming hordes of anarchists, or socialists or something because someone actually reported stuff the government didn't want reported, you know like journalism and whatnot? Did that happen, because we really haven't been paying attention. Did the terrorists win?

We have to believe something like that would have made the papers, but sometimes we only read the comics so it's possible the collapse of western democracy could have slipped by us. We quit following the story after Sarah Palin chased all the hackers off her porch and back to Russia, because when it's no longer about Sarah, it's no longer news.

Did anybody ever figure out if Jullian Assange was the anti-christ, or is it still Obama?

America! Motto: Dunning Kruger* in 2012!

Well well well. The new class of citizen legislators are all in their seats and eager to right the ship of state. So, how we doing so far?

U.S. Rep. Ann Marie Buerkle, who voted to repeal the health care reform act, was twice asked about the health insurance she receives as a government employee. At first she said she couldn’t understand why people were so interested in her health insurance, and that taxpayers didn’t pay anything for it. She later corrected herself after being handed a note from a staffer. Like most employees, she pays for a portion of her insurance and her employer, the government, pays the rest, she said.

OK, let's get this straight. The nice lady decides has career as a homeopathic faith healer isn't taking off like she'd hoped and gets herself a job with the Federal Government, whose major source of revenue is...for those of you playing at home, say it with us...taxes. Her new employer graciously promises to cover her health care with what has been called by some a very generous benefit package.

With us so far?

Now, the nice lady goes back to her district after voting to disallow health care supported by taxes. Twice. She tells her constituents that her health care isn't being supported by their tax dollars, until an aide, who obviously graduated from high school, passes her a note explaining how the government supports itself.

Now, to see if you've been paying attention here's a quiz. Which of the two following statements would cause the founding fathers, were they still alive, to take the first ship back to England:

1. This lady was convinced by the voices in her head that she was qualified to serve in the Congress of the United States of America.

2. Enough people agreed with her to get her elected.

When you're done, just leave your paper in the box on our desk. We'll be down in the basement looking at real estate brochures from Belize.

*Dunning Kruger

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, you remember the old Batman series? No, not the movies with the dark,conflicted, taekwondo, Eastern mystic poseur Batman, the other Batman, the one with the ill fitting costume and the substance abusing writers. Yeah, that one. Mmm...and Batgirl...

Where were we. Oh yeah, Batman. One of the things we really liked about that show was Catwoman...mmm...Catwoman...no wait...uh...hang on...the graphics. We really liked the graphics. Whenever Batman would get in a fight there was always a big BAM! on the screen or a POW! when he decked the bad guy.

Well, we tell you this because upon perusing the intertoobz this week we have come to the conclusion that the overlords must be feeling a little like the Joker when the Caped Crusader finally cornered him in his hideout. We join this week's episode already in progress:

BAM!!

If state lawmakers agree to let casinos end live dog racing in Iowa, greyhound owners and kennels would be paid a "soft landing" fee and the state treasury would get an extra $10 million a year, according to a proposed bill.

 Oh, that's gonna to leave a mark.

POW!!!

An independent poll of 501 Iowa voters finds that a majority would support legislation to end greyhound racing in Iowa. The statewide survey, conducted between Jan. 24 and Jan. 27 by Hill Research Consultants of Auburn, Ala., found that voters by a margin of 57 percent to 28 percent would support a bill to allow the closure of Iowa’s two dog-racing tracks. Fifteen percent were unsure.

Holy Last One Leaving The Track Turn Out The Lights Batman! 57%! Every bad guy knows you can't get anywhere without your minions. Got to have the minions. But wait! Batman thinks you're knocked out and he's turning away. Now's the time to conk him with a vase!


SOCKKO!!

GREYHOUND Racing New South Wales (GRNSW) has dismissed claims by the Friends of the Hound that a proposed $5.6 million greyhound racing facility at South Murwillumbah would not deliver economic or social benefit to the region. GRNSW chief executive Brent Hogan said Tweed Heads is classified as one of the fastest-growing greyhound racing regions in the state.

Oh No! Our hero is down and at the mercy of the evil overlords. Will this be the end for Batman?

BLAMMO!!

On Friday last week David Montague, chief executive of the 66,000-home association, met with millionaire Bob Morton, who wants to buy the site, as well as campaigners opposed to L&Q’s plans. Local MPs Stella Creasy, Iain Duncan Smith and Waltham Forest council leader Chris Robbins also attended. Mr Morton wants to fund a scheme which would include a dog track and homes, but L&Q last year rejected his £4 million bid for the site. Following Friday’s meeting Mr Montague said Mr Morton’s plans would not work.

 Ah Ha!  Robin has freed himself from the evil clutches of the Riddler and saved the day! (We forgot to tell you Robin was in the evil clutches of the Riddler).

So it looks like justice will triumph, right Batdog...er...Bill?

Bill is really sweet and loving. He is a quick learner, with plenty of energy. He follows his foster family around the house and LOVES to be with people. Bill likes to find people who will pet him whenever he can. Bill is confident, sweet, playful and cuddly. He wants to be around everyone all the time. Bill is comical when he burps out loud like a person and his tail wags up and down rather than side to side. Bill jumps in the air & does a 360° turn and pounces down on his toys. He is so funny and entertaining. He leaves mismatched slippers all over the house.  Bill would do well in a working family home with another dog to keep him company or with a family that is home most of the time if he is the only dog. He is good with well-mannered children, 5 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Silver update: Silver enjoys her foster home, but does not like snow drifts that are taller than she is.

We Are Wal-Mart. All Your Neighborhood Are Belong To Us

Oh look, the boys of Mordor are back. As if we don't have enough trouble.

Wal-Mart's lengthy struggle to open in New York City has hit fresh problems -- a controversial report that said America's biggest discounter does not just sell cheap, it makes neighborhoods poorer.

But...but...79 cents for half a ton of one ply toilet paper...

The report concludes that Wal-Mart, the biggest U.S. private employer, kills jobs rather than creates them, drives down wages and is a tax burden because it does not give health and other benefits to many part-time employees, leaving a burden on Medicaid and other public programs.

Oh sure, it sounds bad when you put it like that, but what about all the good things Wal-mart does, like provide jobs for immigrants and women? They are often first adopters of technological innovation and cutting edge scheduling techniques as well as forward looking labor/management relations.

The New York City Council will hold a public hearing on the impact a Wal-Mart would have but the retailer has declined to attend. "Well, truth be told we're really tired of this whole public input thing," said Wal-Mart spokesman Steven Restivo. "I mean, this is Wal-mart for crying out loud. Where do you people get off telling us what's good for you? Umm...I mean JOBS!"

Restivo said a store would bring good jobs and good shopping for fresh food to locals. To push its case, Wal-Mart launched a public relations blitz in mid-January with radio and newspaper ads and a website, www.youwillbeassimilatedNYC.com, which features positive coverage of the company. "It's true because it's on the Internet," he added.

 Wal-Mart has been trying to open in New York since 2005 but various plans floundered on objections from the community and union activists. Now the company is reported to be looking at locations including East New York and Brownsville -- Brooklyn neighborhoods known for high unemployment, crime and drugs. "Well, you don't think people are actually going to let us build in an area that has property value do you?" Restivo said. "Besides, these people are already poor, how much worse can we make it?"

"It would be a disaster," said Mark Tanis, owner of an East New York shopping market about three miles from a proposed sites. "It would have a detrimental impact on our area." Tanis said he fears a product he sells for $20 could sell for as little as $12 at Wal-Mart and drive him out of business.

"$12? Try $8.95," Restivo responded. "Hey Mark, I'll save a place for you on the janitorial crew. Don't bother packing a lunch though. You don't get lunch! HAHAHAHA! That's a little Wal-mart humor right there."



Courtney Laidlaw, 22, who lives near the two possible locations said, "We have become a society of bargain shoppers and having a Wal-Mart locally will definitely be beneficial. "The small businesses that can adapt to the socioeconomic times that we live in will find a way to survive. Wal-Mart is just an alternative destination, not the only destination."

"We may just be an 'alternative destination' now, Courtney, but give us a year or two," Restivo said. "Resistance is futile."

Mitt Romney! Motto: What's A Guy Gotta Do To Be President Around Here?

Hmm...Looks like the Mittster is going to take advantage of Palin Free February to get his all positions all the time campaign back in the news. 

Former governor Mitt Romney, in a new introduction to a book somebody wrote for him, strongly criticizes President Obama, writing that “my worst fears about the president have come true and it looks like he could get re-elected which means I'll have to wait another four years to get into the White House.’’

Life is hard, Mitt. If you don't believe us, just ask your dog. On the bright side, the fact that you've had every position there is on the issues means you won't need to do much updating for the voters. "Yeah, me too" should about do it.

In the book’s new introduction, Romney gives an apparent nod to the Tea Party movement, criticizing Democrats in sharp populist language for pushing a greater role for government.

Oops. Forgot about that one. Since there wasn't a Tea Party during the 2010 election, you'll have to explain how, as the moderate governor of a progressive state, you've always been a Tea Partier at heart, right? So what's your opening gambit?

“Like the monarch the revolutionaries rejected, they have no limit on the amount they would tax the people and their enterprises,’’ he adds. “Rather than admire the heritage of peaceful assembly and petition, they ridicule and demean assemblies of ordinary citizens who protest their grand health care plans, takeovers, and bailouts.’’

Ooo. Palin-speak. We like it. A fresh word salad of unconnected ideas phrased pretty much incomprehensibly, but spelled right. You're the thinking man's patriot Mitty boy. What else you got?

Romney also strongly criticizes the president’s health care law, which is bound to become a sticky argument, since the national plan was largely based on the one Romney steered to passage in Massachusetts.

 Yeah, that's a toughie. If only Massachusetts had fallen into the sea after you were governor this would be much easier. Gonna take some careful planning here to distance yourself from your own record. Don't want a repeat of New Hampshire.

“They have enacted 2,000 pages of health care legislation, and while the politicians did not take the time to read it before they voted, small businesses will have no choice but to read and comply with every one of its new mandates and provisions,’’ Romney writes.

HAHAHAHAHA!! That's pretty funny. Romney actually thinks politicians read the bills they pass. Hey Mitty, ever hear of the Patriot Act? 

And as for small businesses, yeah...except no.

Romney had nearly 412 different opinions in the final five weeks of 2010 and starts out this year with more positions than a Yogi on speed, according to newly filed "Keeping Up With Mitt" disclosure forms. His political action committee — called the Please Let Mitt Be President PAC — begins 2011 with more flip flops than any other prospective presidential candidate.

We Coulda Been A Contender

We're coming to you today from the Department Of Not Thinking. DONT is a division of the No One Could Have Foreseen Corporation in partnership with But There Should Be Ponies, LLC.

It's Monday. It's cold and there's a butt load of snow coming, so we're just going to give it to you straight.

You get the country you ask for, not the one you want. To wit:


Compassion:

Rape is only really rape if it involves force. So says the new House Republican majority as it now moves to change abortion law. With this legislation, which was introduced last week by Rep. Chris Smith (R-N.J.), Republicans propose that the rape exemption be limited to "forcible rape." This would rule out federal assistance for abortions in many rape cases, including instances of statutory rape, many of which are non-forcible. For example: If a 13-year-old girl is impregnated by a 24-year-old adult, she would no longer qualify to have Medicaid pay for an abortion.

Acumen:

New Republican legislation in the House and Senate would force the U.S. government to reroute huge amounts of money to China and other creditors in the event that Congress fails to raise its debt ceiling. If passed, Toomey's plan would require the government to cut large checks to foreign countries, and major financial institutions, before paying off its obligations to Social Security beneficiaries and other citizens owed money by the Treasury.

Vision:

U.S. researchers will soon abandon their search for the most coveted particle in high-energy physics because of a lack of funding. Researchers working at Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory (Fermilab) in Batavia, Illinois, had wanted to run their 25-year-old atom smasher, the Tevatron, through 2014 in hopes of spotting the so-called Higgs boson before their European counterparts could discover it with their newer, more powerful atom smasher. But officials at the U.S. Department of Energy (DOE), which funds Fermilab, informed lab officials this week that DOE cannot come up with the extra $35 million per year to keep the Tevatron going beyond September.

Pretty depressing. We mean, when it comes to empires, 240 some years is pretty bush league. Heck, even the Carthaginians managed 475 years before the Romans kicked their elephant riding behinds. And it took them three wars to do it. Round here you ask for a Hannibal you're liable to get a Hannibal Lecter.

Friday Hound Blogging

As our old daddy used to say, sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear...um...makes a doo doo on your head. OK, those aren't quite the words he would have used, preferring the more colorful Anglo-Saxon descriptors as he did, but this is a family blog and the children may be watching. Anyway, we suspect greyhound racing's chief overlord Gary Guccione wishes he had a hat these days because his recent rhetorical stylings in defense of the heartless barbarity of animal exploitation sport of greyhound racing, as we've discussed in the last two FHB's do not seem to be having the intended effect.

See, the point of Mr. Guccione's attempt at eloquence was to turn public opinion from the view that he and his ilk are somewhat less than human, given the fact that they suck their meager existence off the backs of innocent animals, cruelly taking advantage of greyhounds' speed, grace and loyalty; stealing their nobility for profit, then casting them aside like common trash after using them up.

Well, you can see Mr. G has set quite a task for himself and this week we thought we'd peek in and see how he's doing. So, Mr. Guccione sir, you launched your letter campaign awhile back, the word has had time to spread, your arguments have penetrated the ether, and the public has been stirred. Time to tally the results, no?

Now a bill moving through the state House is targeting horse racetracks or other betting establishments which might consider running simulcasts of greyhound racing from the 19 surviving dogs tracks in the U.S. House Bill 67, which unanimously passed the House Gaming Oversight Committee Tuesday, would bar simulcasts or live broadcasts of greyhound racing, a strategy that the shrinking greyhound racing industry is pushing as a way to increase profits at its dwindling number of tracks.

 Ouch. OK, OK let's not panic. After all, no one expected smooth sailing. We mean, take the average person on the street. They have values, a heart, they're able to feel empathy, sympathy and have a basic respect for life--all life. It's obviously going to take a little time to convince them that killing and maiming dogs for profit the exciting and fascinating world of greyhound racing is an appropriate activity for human beings to be engaged in.  Hey, let's go out to Arizona, you know the Xanadu of greyhound living? If anyone would be willing to agree that abusing living creatures for profit greyhound racing has a place in a civilized society it would be the folks who get to see how well greyhounds are treated close up, right?

Legislation has been filed to bring dog racing to an end at Tucson Greyhound Park! House Bill 2536, sponsored by Republican Representative Vic Williams, changes the state's racing law to remove the requirement that TGP offer live racing. That's right, the track could remain open for other forms of gambling but greyhounds would no longer run around in circles at the facility or live in tiny cages at the compound.

 Hmm...OK let's recap. Mr Guccione embarks on a full throated defense of his industry in several papers around the country. Result: Aside from the tracks that are about to go out of business anyway, state legislatures begin to move to outlaw the whole enterprise. This can't be going according to plan, huh Sly?

Sly is easygoing, independent and loving. He will approach and nuzzle you for affection. He will “talk” to you in the morning when he wants to go out. He has an odd bark that sounds like he has bronchitis, although he is completely healthy.  Sly would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He has lived with his “adoptive sister”, Remy for over six years. They would need to be placed together. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Silver update:  Silver is doing well and has learned about steps, windows and the joy of treats.

In Other News, Air Necessary For Breathing

In what has got to win the award for the most blatantly obvious headline stated as if it were news, we ran across this scurrying its slithery way through the intertoobz today:

Panel finds financial crisis was avoidable

You don't say. What was your first clue?

The deals grew so complex that bank executives and regulators did not understand them, the report found, and banks discouraged aggressive oversight of their activities, saying the government's interference would stifle financial innovation.

We don't know what's going on, but don't look at it too closely because it might inhibit our ability to think up other "products" we don't understand. Yeah. No warning signs in that behavior.

Still, the commission's findings were tainted by partisan politics. Six Democrats on the panel supported the conclusions; the four Republicans dissented.

Well of course they did. Not having the faintest idea is a key plank in the republican platform and underlies most of their positions on current issues. Also illegality.

The conclusions contradicted a parade of witnesses in the panel's hearings who said the crisis couldn't have been avoided or prevented.Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Goldman Sachs Group Inc. CEO Lloyd Blankfein were among those asserting that defense.

Gee. The people who caused the problem, or ignored it until it blew up in our faces say it's not their fault. Didn't see that one coming.

The panel has referred cases of possible criminal wrongdoing to the Justice Department for investigation.

 Oh. Well, that explains sudden helplessness.

"The greatest tragedy would be to accept the refrain that no one could have seen this coming and thus nothing could have been done," the report said. "If we accept this notion, it will happen again."

Is it just us, or does the fact that no one is in jail, or even in trouble and banksters are handing out bonuses like  candy at a NAMBLA convention mean we've already accepted that it is going to happen again?

The commission criticized the view held by some regulators that markets are "self-correcting" and banks can police themselves.

See, now that's just harsh. The markets are self correcting provided they get billions in Federal subsidies and are able to bankrupt millions of people from time to time. Hey, omelet, eggs, you know?

Poor People, Please Be Quiet While The President Explains How Great We Are

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that we often start our posts with "Frequent reader(s) of this blog"...um...whatever. Look, you come here because you're trying to avoid doing something responsible and/or productive. What do you want from us? Effort? We put as much effort into writing this blog as you put into reading it so let's not mess with the arrangement OK?

Where were we? Oh yeah. Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that we have a sort of tradition around here when it comes to the president's State Of The Union Speech. Ah, president Bush and the English language. Those were the days, no?

This year, however, we have to report that we did not watch the president's address, nor did we watch the spittle flecked republican response, or the Michele Bachmann's medication free rebuttal rebuttal on some cable channel that preempted reruns of Hee Haw to put her on--although we sort of wish we had watched that one because we're told it was rather creepy. Henh, henh. Michele Bachmann, creepy. That's like saying Cubs fans are, optimistic.

Truth be told though, we just couldn't bring ourselves to listen to the president describe an America that only exists if you happen to be working and/or rich. We think scarecrow said it best, but the point is if our elected officials were half as good at solving problems as they are at avoiding them, there'd be ponies for everyone.

And it doesn't stop there. On the way to the freezer to break out the Stoli we caught part of the CBS Evening News. Story one The president is giving a speech. Story two: REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS MIGHT SIT TOGETHER!! ZOMG!! ZOMG!! ACK!! BLARK!!! IT'S A DATE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! WE'RE SO CLEVER!! Next up: Women play hockey, Who knew?

It's like the whole political and media infrastructure of the country is caught in some permanent seventh grade time warp.  Now, admittedly we've been known to flee reality from time to time as the aforementioned reference to our penchant for adult beverages indicates, but in our defense we've never thought of that as our job.

Well, on the bright side, it looks like most of the people who watched the speech approved of what the President had to say, except for Paul Broun, who had to take his medication first, but you have to figure a lot of the folks who've lost their jobs and their homes probably weren't sitting around in front of the big screen plasma, so we'll never really know what they thought. Course, they don't live in the America the president was talking about anyway, so let's hear it for the real state of the union: Denial.

We Put Pauly Fingers On The Fast Track To Sainthood So He'd Keep His Mouth Shut Around The Boss

Frequent reader(s) of this blog have concluded that diminished expectations are the soporific of existence...er...we mean have concluded that, when it comes to explaining away the wholesale abandonment of your most fundamental principles while convincing the credulous you are a moral authority, nobody spins it like the catholics. Take the ongoing clergy sex scandal for example. The pope has blamed everybody except Sarah Palin for all the boinking going on in the sacristy, and while you might be saying, finally, something happens in the world that's not about Sarah Palin, the point is the pope has managed to say, at the same time, with a straight face, and without having his head explode, or more surprisingly, not being struck by lightening, that his church is the both the beacon of righteousness and goodness in the world and, raper of children.

Man. Talk about multi-tasking.

Well, it should come as no surprise then that when the authorities found a letter written to the bishops of Ireland telling them to keep the kid boinking on the down low and not inform local five o, his slipperiness was ready with an explanation.

The Vatican said that a newly leaked 1997 letter written to Irish bishops warning them about reporting sex abuse to police was misinterpreted as evidence of the church trying to enforce cover-ups. "'If the local fuzz gets word of this, the pope is going to be on you like ugly on a bulldog' can be interpreted many different  ways," said a spokesperson from the vatican Office of Dissemblement.

Vatican spokesman the Rev. Federico (Freddy Spoons) Lombardi denied that the letter was proof that the Holy See told Irish bishops not to report clerical sex abuse to the police. "That letter has been given biased treatment by some media outlets, who have presented it as proof of an instruction from the Vatican to cover up cases of sexual abuse of minors," Lombardi said. "I mean come on, quoting stuff right out of the letter? What kind of yellow journalism is that. Makes me think you mooks just don't like Italians. Who's the injured party here anyway?"


The letter, reportedly leaked to RTE by an Irish bishop, appeared to warn Ireland's bishops not to report all suspected child-abuse cases to police. That's not true, the church said. The letter was simply meant to make sure that Irish bishops followed canonical law and was not to protect pedophile priests. "And what's the first precept of canonical law?" asked Father Lombardi "We get to do what we want."

When asked what happens when canonical law runs afoul of local civil law, Father Lombardi referred reporters to the second precept of canonical law: See precept one.

"There's nothing in the letter that says do not obey the civil law," Jeffrey Lena, the U.S.-based attorney for the Vatican. "Of course there's also nothing in the letter that says don't spit into the wind, tug on Superman's cape, or mess around with the old Lone Ranger, so I can see how you think the matter is open to interpretation," he added.

Lena also issued a statement saying the letter had been "deeply misunderstood." He said the part about how "mandatory reporting gives rise to serious reservations" is really the pope's way of saying there's no way the vatican treasury could handle the fallout from all these pervs going public. "It's fiscal responsibility is what it is," he said.


Gotcha consigliere. Civil suits can be a serious drain on the cash flow. Might force a fellow to, oh we don't know, sell indulgences or something.

You'll Have To Speak Up If You Want To Be Heard Above The Gunfire

We're coming to you today from the Department of Cognitive Dissonance here in the marbled halls of IM Central. the DoCD is a division of the My Personalities Don't Talk To One Another Company, a wholly owned subsidy of Self Awareness Is A Liberal Plot, Inc.

After the recent tragedy in Tucson it occurred to some of our leading political lights that maybe calling for your opponent to be blown up, dismembered or shot in the head probably wasn't the most productive of approaches when addressing a group of people who confuse penis and pistol and make up for the shortcomings of the former by purchasing larger models of the latter.

"Civility" became the watchword around the corridors of power and abroad in the land and, proving that psycho-pharmaceuticals are in fact effective, even some of the stomp and scream until you get you way, we came unarmed this time crowd toned it down a little. "Some" being the operative word here, which of course implies that "some" did not.

Here at RedState, we too have drawn a line. We will not endorse any candidate who will not reject the judicial usurpation of Roe v. Wade and affirm that the unborn are no less entitled to a right to live simply because of their size or their physical location. Those who wish to write on the front page of RedState must make the same pledge. The reason for this is simple: once before, our nation was forced to repudiate the Supreme Court with mass bloodshed. We remain steadfast in our belief that this will not be necessary again, but only if those committed to justice do not waiver or compromise, and send a clear and unmistakable signal to their elected officials of what must be necessary to earn our support.

See, now when you stake out a opening position in an argument that says in effect that you care so much about human life you're going to kill people who disagree with you, it sort of complicates the response for those who may want to discuss issues like the beginning of life and a woman's right to control her own body sans firearms. Also, there's a reason the Second Amendment is, you know, second and the one about free speech first. Has to do with a functioning democracy and whatnot. Just saying.

On a related note, we mention with sadness a recent article bemoaning the fact that our children isn't learning. Well not to think critically anyway.

As professional educators we feel obliged to point out that one is not born with the ability to think critically, but learns it as one matures. One of the most effective and efficient methods by which this skill is imparted from one generation to the next is through the use of role models.

You see where we're going with this, right? When the youth look out across the society we have built for them and see the Rush Limbaughs, the Sarah Palins, the Michelle Bachmans, the boys at the above discussed blog, well, probably we should be thankful they can tie their own shoes and leave it at that. Also. Too.

Friday Hound Blogging

Our old daddy used to say that some mornings you wake up and find out the cat has peed in your shoe. We're thinking that's what it must be like for the overlords these days as the opening frames of the new year haven't been very kind to them. The biggest problem--well besides the fact that people view greyhound racing with about the same degree of enthusiasm and excitement as they view a vomit souffle--the biggest problem is that citizens have taken to writing about the fact that the overlords tend to have a habit of being a tad too optimistic when describing how Utopian the life of a racing greyhound is. In fact, the distance between how the overlords describe their little slice of doggy heaven and what people who have all their wits about them actually see is generally measured in parsecs. This has caused a couple of states to outlaw greyhound racing entirely and several others to fall all over themselves running from the industry when the one remaining track in that state finally breathes its last.

Well, far be it from the overlords to let a little thing like reality come between them and the chance to suck a buck or two off the back of an innocent animal. The problem is, since making animal exploitation your career doesn't require higher order communication skills, most of the people (and we use that term loosely)  in the industry have the language prowess of a banana slug.

Enter Gary Guccione the overlords' go to guy when it comes to explaining why taking cruel advantage of the fabled speed and skill of the world's oldest breed of dog to keep yourself out of the labor market is actually a good thing. Well, good for the overlord. The greyhound has three options when no longer able to pay his or her owner's way: death, medical research, or adoption.

Anyway, as we mentioned last week, Mr. Guccione has been pretty busy lately responding to folks who want to know how, in a society where people have evolved to the point that they can walk upright, we allow such heartless barbarity to continue. Mr. Guccione?

Linda Robertson’s Dec. 28 story, Dog racing is running its course, on greyhound racing, was a bittersweet, but fair, look at the current status of the sport. Despite claims by animal-rights activists to the contrary, the real reason for the decline in greyhound racing has more to do with competition and changing lifestyles. The enormous expansion of other gaming opportunities from coast to coast has greatly increased competition for the entertainment dollar.

OK let's see if we got this. You're saying the fact that you kill thousands of greyhounds every year simply because they can't run fast enough, injure thousands more, sell (legally and illegally) untold numbers for medical research--some of which is terminal--that the real reason greyhound racing is dying is because you don't have lights that flash and buttons to push? Is that it?

The demographic of greyhound-racing customers has magnified the impact of these social changes. As baby boomers near retirement age, the next generation of gamblers is a generation born and raised with computer keyboards at their fingertips. The gambling world — greyhound racing included — will have to adapt to this demographic shift by finding new ways to attract younger, tech-savvy customers.

Ooo..."demographic." That Word-A-Day calendar is really paying off, huh Mr. G? Also, we're not so sure you want to attract a "tech-savvy" crowd either. See "tech-savvy" people might just Google greyhound racing and if you do that, guess what the first hit is. Yeah, Grey2K, the animal rights wackos...er...activists. You sure you want that to be the first thing someone reads? Might be better to just stick with the people you have, you know, the people who don't have all their teeth.

One thing is certain. Greyhound racing has made tremendous strides in ensuring the health and safety of racing greyhounds from the farm to retirement and adoption. Today, we’re close to meeting our goal of 100-percent placement of all adoptable greyhounds.

Aw, now Mr. G. we've had this talk before. You know math is not your friend.  Back in 2008 you said that more than 90% of greyhounds got adopted when actually it was closer to 60%. Then last week you said it was nearly 95%. Well, maybe you do have a point because Ronnie Williams' dogs are out of the adoption pool so that may bring the numbers down somewhat.  Hey, any truth to the rumor that you're going to make him your National Adoption Coordinator? Well, after he gets out of prison that is.

In addition, we’ve worked diligently to strengthen our internal controls, raise the bar on animal-welfare standards and weed out those who fail to care for greyhounds responsibly.

Good for you Mr. G. Then you can get rid of the folks who did this and this  and this and this and this and this and this and...you know Whiskey, if Mr. G really does "raise the bar on animal-welfare standards and weed out those who fail to care for greyhounds responsibly" it looks like there won't be anyone left to stick you in a crate for 22 hours a day. Breaks your heart huh?

Whiskey is very sweet and loving. He is eager to get attention and will push the other dogs out of the way to get it. He love ear rubs. He is a smart boy and quickly learned to climb stairs. He likes to play with squeaky toys, but is generally pretty mellow. He likes to touch you with his nose and is a very nosey boy. He also roos.  Whiskey would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 an up – he has not been around any younger children yet. He is good with other dogs and would probably be happiest with a family member who is home more often or with another dog in the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Silver update: Silver is settled into her foster home in the eastern part of Michigan, where she is not really enjoying the cold, but does find favor in the couch and the treats.

Update: cf  (scroll to Kathy Pelton)

And The Lord Spaketh Unto Us And Sayeth, "Hope You Like Vegetables"

We're coming to you today from the Fox Muldar Room here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Now, we're sure some of you out there think the world is an orderly place, following the laws of nature and being all like down with fundamental physical properties and whatnot. You probably think gravity exists even though you can't see it.

Foolish person.

Prepare to have your belief system stood on its head. Prepare to question everything you ever learned in school. Prepare for the rapture. Read this and weep:

Does the Death of 200 Cows in Wisconsin Confirm Biblical Prophecy?

Well, of course it does. What other possible explanation could there be?

Some Christians, including online theologian Paul Begley in Indiana, believe the animal deaths were divined from above as a sign the end of days is approaching.

Now, for those of you not familiar with holy stuff, you should know that Indiana is like the vatican of the Midwest, and Paul Begley isn't just a theologian, he's an "online theologian" which is like being the pope of cyberspace or something.

The death of cows, birds and fish in particular seems to follow the prophecy set out by the Bible in the Book of Hosea, and are said to result when man turns his back on God. "By swearing, and lying, and killing, and stealing, and committing adultery, they break out, and blood toucheth blood," the prophecy goes.

Oh we know what you''re thinking. You're thinking wait a minute Ironicus, people have been swearing, lying, killing, stealing and committing adultery since there have been people. In fact god already flushed the whole place once. That apparently didn't work so his plan B is to off some cattle?

Sinner please. You doubt the efficacy of Yahweh's plan? Let's see how much you enjoy your evil lifestyle when you're eating Tofu burgers and drinking soy milk.

On The Bright Side: American Idol Was Picked Up For Another Season

Ah, the holidays are past us, the election is but a dim memory, hopefully we're done with assassination attempts so now the new Congress can get down to business. And there's a lot to be done, too. Unemployment is still high, people are being thrown out of their homes at record rates. Sometimes illegally we might add. Energy costs are rising again threatening what little recovery we can see, and of course fighting wars half way around the world is becoming a bit of a drain on our resources. Well, a bit of a drain on the resources of the Chinese we should say  since that's who we're borrowing most of our money from, having gone broke ourselves one or two wars ago.

This is what you call the proverbial full plate, is it not? So, what are our elected leaders, these statesmen and women politicians going to tackle first? Perhaps they'll surprise us all and go after the crumbling infrastructure in this country, or help out the 99'ers for whom the social safety net ran out a while back and whose numbers are growing every day.

Tell us, oh leaders who tread in the footsteps of inspirations like Washington, Jefferson, Adams, Lincoln and Roosevelt. Whither goest this country under your firm and well reasoned guidance?

The highly anticipated vote Wednesday to repeal the health care reform bill will make headlines and count as a promise kept by House Republicans.

 Whoa. Caught us a bit off guard there, keepers of flame of liberty and justice for all. So the first lady's campaign to get people eating healthy and exercising has paid off? Americans are no longer in need of health care? Is that what you are telling us, oh guardians of the American traditions of equality, fairness and equal opportunity?

But in the end, it’s really just for show.

Oh. We see. Well, on the bright side, maybe that could be America's new motto. Seems fitting. Wonder how you say it in Latin.

Don't Know Much About History...Even Less Biology

People often ask us, given the experience we had as inmates of the educorporate training facility in our neighborhood, why we chose the particular career path that we did. It's an intriguing question and we're not sure we know why ourselves. Truth be told, we started out in an engineering program at a small Midwestern private college, but after two years decided to transfer to a larger public university. We put ENG. on the transfer application under major, but the university people thought it meant English and enrolled us in a teaching program because, seriously, come on, what else are you going to do with an English degree? At first we wondered what we were doing in Romantic Literature instead of Differential Equations, but by the time we figured it out it was almost time to graduate so...whatever.

We share that little tale with you by way of introducing a couple of news items that slooshed by us on the intertubes the other day. First up, one of our colleagues in the profession who has the unenviable task of talking about sex to teenagers.

“She stood in front of the students,” district spokesman Jeff Puma said. “If you can picture a body builder flexing his arms and having his hands [above head level] out to the side, my hands would be the ovaries, my arms would be the fallopian tubes, and so on.” Students are asked to stand and repeat the gestures and the words that go along with them.

Hmm...participatory education techniques involving ladyparts. This isn't going to end well.

Robert King of Crystal Lake certainly has found fault with his son’s teacher. It all centers on something the students of Jacqulyn Levin apparently have dubbed “The Vagina Dance,” and which the Illinois Family Institute has described as set to the tune of “The Hokey Pokey” and decried as “puerile,” immodest and disrespectful.

OK, the kids are the ones calling it "The Vagina Dance" and the parents (well, parent) are the ones that can't handle it. Who's got the hangup here?

King said his son objected to participating, and both he and his son objected to him being “forced” to participate.

 Now, see, while it's probably true old dad needs more to do, we have to conclude that son has made a serious tactical blunder vis-a-vis survival in high school by telling him. Think about it. Any high school boy who doesn't go at least five miles out of his way to join a discussion about female biology; who doesn't stretch even the most innocent of remarks until it is some kind of double entendre; who doesn't know at least six people who can score the latest issue of Playboy is going to be thought of as gay by all his fellows and a few of the girls in his class. Sorry kid, them's the breaks. On the bright side, now you can wear those Astro Boy pajamas your mom got for you without embarrassment.

Our other tale of woe doesn't involve any specific teachers, yet, but given the history of current interactions between citizens with strong need for anti-psychotics and legislators who were dropped on their heads as children, we can only assume it a matter of time.

Regarding education, the material about two dozen tea party activists distributed said, “Neglect and outright ill will have distorted the teaching of the history and character of the United States. We seek to compel the teaching of students in Tennessee the truth regarding the history of our nation and the nature of its government.”

An honorable goal. Certainly the citizen with a deep and abiding understanding of the goals and aspirations of this great nation would be in a better position to cast votes that would preserve and extend the promise made by the founders. What exactly do you have in mind?

The material calls for lawmakers to amend state laws governing school curriculums, and for textbook selection criteria to say that “No portrayal of minority experience in the history which actually occurred shall obscure the experience or contributions of the Founding Fathers, or the majority of citizens, including those who reached positions of leadership.”

Um...what?

Fayette County attorney Hal Rounds, the group’s lead spokesman during the news conference, said the group wants to address “an awful lot of made-up criticism about, for instance, the founders intruding on the Indians or having slaves or being hypocrites in one way or another.

 Darn straight. We didn't "intrude" on any Indians. Why we invited them over for Thanksgiving, or as they called it, The Pequot Massacre. Potato Potahto. And as for owning slaves, sure about 1/3 of them were slave owners, but it wasn't like they wanted to own slaves, nosiree. It was peer pressure you know? Besides, they were real nice to their slaves, especially Thomas Jefferson.

Hey, you think old Tommie did the Vagina Dance for Sally Hemings?

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, it's hard out here for an overlord. We mean, people just aren't that interested in the heartless exploitation of innocent animals for profit exciting sport of greyhound racing anymore. Add to that the average overlord has a third grade education, anger issues and no appreciable social skills, so the job offers aren't exactly falling out of the trees. And as if that's not bad enough, people have taken to pointing out in public forums that the overlords have all the compassion of a wounded scorpion and that the world would be a much better place if all the kennels were turned into sheltered workshops and the overlords trained to make trinkets for Japanese tourists.

Take well known animal rights wacko Caryn Wood who recently penned a missive in the letters to the editor section of a paper right here in the IM Central home state of Michigan.

Greyhound racing is cruel and inhumane. As you reported, racing greyhounds endure lives of nearly endless confinement in small stacked cages. While racing, greyhounds suffer and die from injuries such as broken limbs, paralysis and cardiac arrest. The greyhounds are short-term investments, valued only as long as they generate a profit. The post-racing fate of greyhounds falls to dedicated volunteer groups such as Second Chance for Greyhounds of Michigan that work tirelessly to adopt greyhounds into loving homes.

Now see, when you have stuff like that right out there in front of god and everybody you have to know that it's likely to affect the otherwise pristine and flawless image of an industry that has the abuse of greyhounds as it's major byproduct provides fun and excitement to thrill seeking fans all over the country. Trouble is, most overlords have trouble with that whole spelling and grammar thing, so when it comes to responding to attacks on their meal ticket they're pretty much relegated to grunts and gestures.

Enter Gary Guccinoe, head overlord by virtue of the fact that he graduated sixth grade, and yeah, he was 23 when he did, but let's not besmirch the man's achievement, OK?

It should be obvious to anyone with an ounce of common sense that greyhounds would not be able to perform at their best on the track if they did not receive proper care and treatment off the track. To achieve peak performance, greyhounds must be well nourished, well rested, well exercised and healthy.

 Darn straight Mr. Guccione. And for all you doubting Thomases out there, we have the video to prove it.

In fact, the excellent care and treatment that greyhounds receive during their racing careers is the main reason that most transition so successfully to life as beloved family pets when they retire.

Which explains why people from all over the country are racing to adopt a greyhound from the Tucson track.

The Grey2K member is wrong, too, about injuries. In fact, the vast majority of greyhound injuries are minor, permitting the dog to return to racing in two weeks or less.

Darn straight. And those dogs are gonna keep getting injured until they get it right.

We salute the hundreds of adoption groups that put their political views aside in order to work with greyhound racing for the benefit of the greyhounds.

Oh, we're with you there Mr. Guccinoe sir. If it wasn't for all those people picking up the dogs you dump when they can't make your trailer payment anymore, you'd be hip deep in carcasses. Ain't that right  Molly?

Molly is a two and a half year old girl who raced in Florida. We don't know much else about her except that she only raced seven times, never finishing higher than third and was dumped, so she's probably lucky to be alive. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Silver update:  Silver would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog.

We Really Feel Sorry For Any Gay People With Parakeets

We're coming to you today from the If You Think That's Weird, Wait Until You Hear This Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. IYTTWWUYHT is a division of the What Have You Been Smoking Company, a wholly owned subsidy of WTF, Inc.

It seems to display his ire with the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, Yahweh has been offing birds.

Well, there’s something interesting we have been watching – let’s talk about this Arkansas pattern and say, could it be a pattern? We’re going to watch and see. But the blackbirds fell to the ground in Beebe, Arkansas. Well the Governor of Arkansas’ name is Beebe. And also, there was something put out of Arkansas called "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" by a former Governor, this was proposed, Bill Clinton. As so, could there be a connection between this passage Hosea 4 and now that we’ve had the repeal of the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, where people now legally in the United States have broken restraints with the Scripture because the Scripture says in Romans 1 that homosexuality is not allowed.

Now, we aren't professional logicians or anything, but even we can see it's pretty hard to argue with that chain of reasoning.  It's the classic Aristotelian Syllogism:

Take something that happened

Add something else

Conclude that one caused the other

Plus, as we have pointed out before, sky daddy isn't the greatest shot, so smiting fowl in Arkansas is better than, say sinking Cuba, which, given this guy's track record, isn't totally out of the question.

It could be because we have said it’s okay for people who commit these kinds of acts to be recognized in our military for the first time in our history, there is a potential that there is something that actually happened in the land where a hundred thousand drum fish died and also where these birds just fell out of the air.

 Ooo! Ooo! Let us try lady Pastor prophet Jacob, let us try:

Some birds died

Some fish died

Conclusion: god hates the Air Force and the Navy

Must not be any homos in the Army, but that leads us to another theological dilemma Reverend J. If god shows his pleasure in a particular branch of the armed forces by not killing off random animals, how is it that Navy has won the Army Navy game the last nine years in a row? Maybe the big el jefe in the sky should be whacking linebackers instead of drum fish.

In Which Ironicus Is Just Not In The Mood

You know, we're really not too interested in whether Jared Loughner was conservative, a tea bagger, a liberal or a Martian. Dude was crazy, man, and all this talk about  who put him up to it is a neat little way of avoiding the real issue which it how this society has abandoned people with mental illness because we don't believe in the illness part of mental illness. Think it's a character flaw or a scam or something.

Besides, it costs money. That's what everyone says now. Can't fix the roads because it costs money. Can't have police and fire because it costs money. Can't educate kids because it costs money. Can't give people life saving medical support because it costs money.

Can still spend umpty billion gazillion dollars to chase a bunch of goat herders around the mountains of Afghanistan though.

Sometimes we think Americans couldn't pour water out of their boots if the directions were on the heel. Anyway, as usual, it takes a clown to look at the issue in a serious way.  Jon Stewart:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
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As for the main stream pundits, well, when they take time out from trying to blame the other guy, they make the same noises they always make after a tragedy like this about how this might be the catalyst to start a national conversation about how we've totally abandoned the democratic principles of  deliberation, consensus and compromise, and replaced them with a politics based on name calling, character assassination and screeching.

Yeah. That'll happen.

A South Carolina gun and accessories company is selling semi-automatic rifle components inscribed with “You lie” – a tribute to the infamous words of 2nd District Republican Congressman Joe Wilson when he shouted at President Barack Obama during a congressional speech about national health care reform in the fall of 2009.

 Guns with a political slogan etched into them. What could possibly go wrong? We think Mark Twain said it best:

Such is the human race. Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

The Pope! Motto: His Holiness Pope Tupac The First? Not On My Watch Bucko

Full disclosure: We're pretty much out of the loop when it comes to current catholic doctrine. Totally missed the memo on purgatory, got the indulgences thing all confused and we still can't figure out whether we are supposed to like Anglicans or not.
 
That being said, we have to ask does the pope, like, do anything? You know, have a job description or something. We ask because the dude seems to have way too much time on his hands.

The Pope has warned parents against giving children celebrity-inspired names and urged them to turn to the Bible for inspiration instead.During Mass at the Sistine Chapel, he said: "Every baptized child acquires the character of the son of God, beginning with their Christian name, an unmistakable sign that the Holy Spirit causes man to be born anew in the womb of the Church." He added that a name was an "indelible seal" that set children off on a lifelong "journey of religious faith".

Hmmm...wonder what Cardinal Nasrallah Sfe, of Lebanon thinks about that, or Cardinal Polycarp Pengo of Tanzania, or Cardinal Odilo Scherer of Brazil, or Cardinal Nguyen Van Thuan of Vietnam, or Cardinal Vinko Puljić of Bosnia, or...well, you get the picture. We imagine one of the things they're thinking is "I'm never gonna be pope with a name like mine."

Monsignor Andrew Faley, the assistant general secretary to the Catholic Bishops' Conference, said: "The name is not just a label but it moves us into a deeper significance of what it means to be human as revealed in the person of Jesus Christ.

Here's a little fun fact: Andrew was the saint credited with starting the Greek Orthodox Church. You know, those schism guys. Looks like Andy isn't gonna be pope either.

"Naming children after perfumes, bicycles and countries is putting a limit on their potential. They are not merchandise or commodities," Faley said. "Oh, and on the way out be sure to stop in our gift shop and pick up a St. Christopher medal, or a St. Jude statuette for your den or living room. Also, checkout the closeout price on our 8" statue of St. Francis, always a tasteful gift for the animal lover in your family."

"When I was a parish priest, if I didn't agree with the name I'd suggest they should give the second name of a saint." Faley said. Way to stand up for what you believe Padre. Course, that might also be why you went through 23 parishes in eight years. Just saying.

In Which Ironicus Offers A Civics Lesson

OK, here's the thing about a Democracy: Sooner or later you're not going to get your way. Happens to everyone sooner or later.

When it does you can whine and moan and demonstrate and write flaming letters to the editor, and call your representative, and just generally carry on until the next election.

Then we start all over again.

If you think this is messy and inefficient, you're right. It's what we call the process. See Democracy is not a noun, it's a verb.

What you can't do is shoot people when you don't get your way.

Please make a note of this.

The Strands Are All There: To The Memory Nothing Is Ever Really Lost

This is a very special edition of Friday Hound blogging. For all the joy and happiness the greyhounds bring to those who love them, their time with us is unmercifully short. A light has gone out in the life of a friend of mine, and we all stand in shadow because of it.

Vie Sweetie Pie 04/16/1998 - 11/29/2010

Next Up: Carl Sagan Gets Sainthood

Hey, his Pradaness is back, no doubt to give us an update on what the the minions are doing to reign in all the boinkmeisters running around sharing the holy rod of righteousness with the choirboys. So what's the poop pope?

God's mind was behind complex scientific theories such as the Big Bang, and Christians should reject the idea that the universe came into being by accident, Pope Benedict said.

Ah Ha! So it was god who set in motion events that led to the freewheeling 70's and caused all the trouble. We knew it! That Yahweh, quite the scoundrel.

"The universe is not the result of chance, as some would want to make us believe," Benedict said on the day Christians mark the Epiphany, the day the Bible says the three kings reached the site where Jesus was born by following a star.

Hmm...probably Beyonce, or maybe one of the Kardashians...no wait, Shakira. Had to be Shakira. We'd follow us some of that to Canaan and back yes sir.

"Contemplating it (the universe) we are invited to read something profound into it: the wisdom of the creator, the inexhaustible creativity of God," he said in a sermon to some 10,000 people. "And speaking of  invitations, I'd just like to remind you that if your local parish priest, or bishop invites you back to the sacristy to see his etchings, don't go."

While the pope has spoken before about evolution, he has rarely delved back in time to discuss specific concepts such as the Big Bang, which scientists believe led to the formation of the universe some 13.7 billion years ago.

 "Big Bang." Henh henh. Too easy, even for us.

He said scientific theories on the origin and development of the universe and humans, while not in conflict with faith, left many questions unanswered. "In the beauty of the world, in its mystery, in its greatness and in its rationality ... we can only let ourselves be guided toward God, creator of heaven and earth," he said.

 Let rationality guide us to an irrational conclusion. OK we think we see your problem.

Benedict and his predecessor John Paul have been trying to shed the Church's image of being anti-science, a label that stuck when it condemned Galileo for teaching that the earth revolves around the sun, challenging the words of the Bible.

Yeah. Let's see, Galileo condemned in 1616, John Paul became pope in 1978.  Probably going to take more than a couple of memos to get around 362 years of dogma. Just saying.

The Catholic Church no longer teaches creationism -- the belief that God created the world in six days as described in the Bible -- and says that the account in the book of Genesis is an allegory for the way God created the world.

Oh great. It's not enough that this guy contradicts himself all over the place, now he's talking in riddles too?  No wonder the church is only growing in places where people can't read.

Sure It's Wrecking The Planet And Killing People, But My 401(k) Has Never Looked Better

We're coming to you today from the This Should End Well Department here in the marbled Halls of IM Central. TSEW is a division of the Bought And Paid For Company, a wholly owned subsidy of Put Your Mouth Where My Money Is, LLC.

Yesterday we mentioned some of the more...um...shall we say colorful members of the incoming Congress. And by colorful we mean full on howl at the moon, run naked through the woods covered in turpentine, set the house on fire, eat your hair, scare the dog insane.

You know, characters, like your Uncle Billy and Auntie Alice? Well, before they went to the rest home and the nice lady gave them all those pills that is.

Anyway, one of the inmates patients members of the incoming circus Congress is Darrell Issa (R - ACK!! OBAMA!!).  As we mentioned in passing yesterday, Mr. Issa has proclaimed that President Obama is the most corrupt president evah! He knows this because...ah...you see...erm...well never mind he just knows, OK? It has to do with the Ganzfeld effect, quantum teleportation and the Altairians (staunch republicans by the way). You just wouldn't understand.

So one of Mr. Issas's new jobs is to oversee government regulations, you know, make sure our environment is protected, our drugs effective, our food safe. Stuff like that. And he's taking his new position quite seriously too.

Rep.Darrell Issa wants the oil industry, drug manufacturers and other trade groups and companies to tell him which Obama administration regulations to target this year. The incoming chairman of the Corporate Protection and Profit Maxification Committee - in letters sent to more than 150 trade associations, companies and think tanks last month - requested a list of existing and proposed regulations that would harm job profit growth. "Hey, didn't Citizens United tell you anything,"  asked Issa spokesman Kurt Bardella. "Corporations are people too."

The goal is to investigate the Obama administration's promise through the 2009 economic stimulus bill and other measures to create jobs, which "has gone unfilled, I guess is the most honest way to put it," Bardella said. "Well, except for the jobs it created that is."

"Is there something that we can do to try to erase that [regulatory] burden and stimulate profit creation?" he added. "Is there a dollar to be made at someone else's expense? Is there a logical practice or regulation that hurts our corporate overlords? Until you have all the facts, you really can't make a lot of determinations and judgments. Then when you get the facts you ignore them and do what the people who bought you tell you to."

"I believe for the last couple of years that the desire to protect the consumer actually took precedence over our right to guaranteed profits, at least on the House side," NPRA President Charles Drevna said. "Our right to milk each and every last cent out of the market without regard to public safety or environmental destruction has not changed one iota. [But] now that our man Issa is in charge, is there a better chance of what I would consider a more fair hearing? Absolutely."

Rosario Palmieri, NAM’s vice president for regulatory policy, and Drevna both highlighted EPA greenhouse gas controls for major emitters that went into effect Sunday. "Look, the planet's already trashed, probably," Palmieri said. "Why take it out on us?"

"These are all high-priority regulations that can cost manufacturing jobs and will if implemented the wrong way or will as currently proposed or finalized," Palmieri said."Course, if all the workers are too sick to work because of the air they breath and the water they drink, that's going to cost jobs too, but one problem at a time I always say."


Well, Mr. Palmieri has a point. We mean, if people go to work in industries making scrubbers and solar panels and all the other hardware associated with cleaning up the mess unbridled capitalism has made of the planet, who'll be left to work for him?

In Which Ironicus Embraces Excess

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the true god is entropy and heat death our only release...er...we mean know that a few years ago we considered closing this blog up as the clown car Bush administration was leaving Washington and taking the low hanging fruit this blog specializes in with it.

Silly us. Now, a mere two years later it seems the dam of crazy has burst and the resulting flood may very well make the Bush years look like a misty summer drizzle. Don't believe us? Usually a reasonable position to take, but this time just take a look at what plopped out of the interweb onto our desk on a typical day...nay...a couple of hours we spent immersed in cyberspace. In no particular order of insanity:

Iowa Rep. Steve King wants to make sure five year olds make the right choice between abortion and coming to school packing.

Answering "I don't know" isn't good enough, King says...

On the bright side, at least doesn't get into why he thinks the Muppets are in this country illegally.

Rep. Allen West (R-FooL) wants to keep the Muslins from putting a Burka over the Statue of Liberty.

I think one of the critical things that we must come together is that there is an infiltration of the Sharia practice into all of our operating systems in our country as well as across Western civilization. So we must be willing to recognize that enemy.

West said his first clue that Sharia was infiltrating our "operating systems" was when he flicked on his computer on day and instead of the Microsoft ding he got ululation instead.

Jim Demento thinks the government doesn't need any money because he's been personally assured by the Chinese that they won't repossess the whole country if we default on our debt. "We'll probably lose the part that has people who can read," Demento said. "But I think we can save Texas and most of the south."

Well, as long as we can keep our permanent bases in Afghanistan he'll get Lindsay Graham's vote. "Are we a super power or not?" Graham asked. "What kind of super power doesn't plop itself down in someone else's country and say 'we're playing here now'?"

Booya! Senator Graham. You bet we are. Well, as soon as the sick, the poor and the old die off. A bit more extreme that Michelle Obama had in mind, but on the bright side, the country's obesity problem finally gets solved.

And it's not just at the Federal level that rationality has fled screaming into the night. States are getting into the act as well. Georgia state Rep. Booby Franklin thinks folding money is a tool of the devil.

Arizona thinks if you're white, you're all right, if you're brown, git it out of town.

Now, you might think this would be cause for celebration around the marbled halls of IM Central as we look out on the blooming year and see most of our posts are going to write themselves, leaving even more time to cultivate a fine buzz, but you'd be wrong. Frankly all this makes us a little sad, and somewhat frightened. Sad because we don't like to think that out of 308 million people we couldn't find a few more individuals not in need of serious psycho-pharmaceutical support to watch over and protect this once great nation as it declines into irrelevance, and frightened because there have to be enough other people out there with similar disorders to have elected these guys in the first place.

Oh hang on Ironicus, you reply. It's not all that bad. Democrats still hold the Senate and Obama is still president. Yeah. Like the democrats have done such a great job standing up to the preliminary crazy these last two years. We can't wait to see how they'll do when the republicans bring the full on mega-tonnage of crazy. And President Obama is likely to be...um...distracted.

We aren't even cheered by the fact that we only have to put up with this for five months, because we think, even if these people are right in their calculations, if you were Jesus--a vaguely Arab looking man--would you want to be caught anywhere near these flamers? You think Calvary was bad, try a couple of years in Gitmo.