Thursday, May 06, 2010

Hey Bene! You Think The Victims Of Priest Sex Abuse Gave You Headaches? Wait Until You Tick Off A Nun

Frequent reader(s) of this blog will recognize the hollow laugh of fate echoing through the empty rooms in the castles of their imaginations, now abandoned to the grim landlords of decay and mean will recall that we are products of the religoeducorporate educational complex, having spent a fair portion of our formative years under the benevolent--if somewhat inebriated tutelage of the Christian Brothers, ably assisted by the Sisters of the Order of Perpetual Detention which is why we feel uniquely qualified in pointing out that Teh Popmeister has stepped in it big time. It's not like we didn't warn the guy either. One of the most lasting lessons we took with us from our years under the watchful classroom gaze of Caucasian Jesus was: Don't. Mess. With. The. Nuns.

Three Catholic women's communities in Washington state are being investigated by the Vatican. They were chosen for review as part of an extensive investigation into American nuns after rumors surfaced that the nuns were "getting all womeny and stuff." The Vatican says it's following up on complaints of feminism, activism and acting like the church is all about helping people. "They seem much more concerned about handing out sandwiches to homeless people than learning the proper Latin responses at mass," said one vatican investagator. "Plus they're wearing stylish shoes."

When asked who had complained, a representative of the vatican refused to answer, but did say the person had been moved into the church's witness protection plan. "We don't want him having any accidents that involve rulers and knuckles," the spokesman said.

The Archdiocese of Seattle says the Adrian Dominicans for Equal Pay in Woodway, the Renton Sisters of the Traveling Pants and the Tacoma Dominican Sista Souljahs are on the list. Sister Joyce Cox is the Archbishop's Delegate for Actually Living a Religious Life And Not Just Talking About It While You're Wearing The Drapes and A Funny Hat. She says it's not clear what this latest development — or the entire investigation — means."Well, except for the fact that it means Benedict is going to be eating out a lot shortly and probably running out of socks and underwear."

Cox: "Ordinarily visitations are made because there is something of great concern, or some place of scandal or not having integrity to the origins of our life. But if scandal or integrity were the reason they'd be visiting the priests, not us."

The Seattle–area communities were chosen for visits after investigators reviewed responses to questionnaires sent out to every women's order.  "Might have been the response Sister Margaret wrote to the 'Will you always do what priests tell you to do?' question. She wrote: 'not if he tells me to go out and find some sweet young altar boys.' She was just trying to lighten to mood a little," Cox said.

It's not clear why the local orders are being singled out, but the investigation was initiated shorty after Sister Bernice refused Monsignor Allen's request for a "back rub with a felicis terminus." The Renton Sisters run a women's transition house. The Sista Souljahs call themselves risk takers. They work to end human trafficking.

"Well, there's your answer right there," said a spokesperson for the vatican Office of Changing the Subject. "These women are out in the community providing refuge and escape from people who've probably been sexually abusing them. How long is it going to be before one of them runs into a priest? Can you imagine the PR nightmare that would be?"

Church investigators say they'll report to Rome next year after their knuckles heal enough to write again.

1 comment:

scripto said...

I'll come back in the fold when the nuns are running the show (the mean ones have all died off, right?).