Friday Hound Blogging

So this blue marble's spin around the edge of the sun's gravity well has once again  brought us to the last FHB of the year. And what a solar circumvention it has been huh? The overlords started the year off on the defensive and things just went downhill from there. At one point it even got so bad it looked like they were going to have to go to work for a living, but at the last minute they got a reprieve.

Man, sucking your meager existence off the backs of innocent animals just gets harder and harder every year doesn't it? And it looks like this year isn't going to be any different.

You know, if you're an overlord, it's almost like the universe is trying to tell you something, which is surprising to us because we didn't think the universe used language like that.

Well, whatever. The point is, as we said, this is the last FHB of the year and we're in a reflective mood here in the marbled halls so we thought we'd take a little trip down nostalgia lane and look at some of the highs and lows in this last year of animal exploitation.

As previously mentioned, the year opened badly for the overlords, but leave it to chief spokesman Gary Guccione to offer a stiring defense of killing and injuring living beings for profit. Unfortunately his campaign was less than successful. As we said at the time:

Hmm...OK let's recap. Mr Guccione embarks on a full throated defense of his industry in several papers around the country. Result: Aside from the tracks that are about to go out of business anyway, state legislatures begin to move to outlaw the whole enterprise. This can't be going according to plan.

Well, never ones to dwell on the negative February bought us an example of the hope that springs eternal  in the hearts of the overlords--or would if they had hearts. Anyway, meet Phil Ruffin whose plan was to corner the market on abandoned greyhound race tracks.

See what a genius this guy is? He's cornering the market on unused greyhound race tracks. Pretty soon if you don't want to go to a greyhound race you'll have no one to deal with but Mr. Ruffin. A total monopoly! Brilliant!

 March saw another attempt--this time by Smauel R. Burdette-- to convince people who suffer from chronic empathy that even though greyhounds appear to all intents and purposes to be living breathing sentient creatures, they are really commodities, much like your toaster and it is only the simple minded, bleeding hearts that are confused. Mr. Burdette, using geometric logic, set out to prove that without greyhound racing "Feed stores, veterinarians, parts of the food processing industry, fast food restaurants and other segments of our economy would struggle to exist," or as we more succinctly summarized:

No greyhound racing means TOFU BURGERS BITCHEZ!!!(eleventy)!!

 April is the month the overlords gather in Abilene Kansas  to pat themselves on the back for making it through another year letting the dogs do all the work and take all the chances and thanks to our good friend whom we don't know, Mr. Dave Bergmeier, Senior Entertainment Editor for the Abilene Reflector Chronicle Observer Times Beacon Press Dispatch Post Review who covers these proceedings each year we had a ring side seat for the awards ceremony, although truth be told we thought the qualifications were a bit low. As we wrote at the time:

Herb 'Dutch' Koerner was recognized with the initial Lifetime Achievement Award and Gary Guccione, executive director of the NGA, said he was the perfect first choice. "After all, he did avoid prison," Guccione told the audience. "Not all of us can say that." He read several letters that had been used at to help reduce Koerner's sentence at his trial.

 May brought the ever delusional Gary Guccione back to FHB as he attempted to rebut a letter to the editor from well know animal rights wacko Caryn Wood. Mr. G opened with "The majority of states where greyhound racing is prohibited didn’t even have live racing when the bans were imposed," which seemed to us to be a bit of a faux pas, so we threw in our two cents:

Uh...Mr. G? Just a bit of strategical advice. When greyhound racing is so unpopular states outlaw it even when it's not around, that's probably not the strongest opening to your argument. Just a thought.

 In June no less a national icon than the Wall Street Journal ran a story on unit exploitation...um...greyhound racing and for a moment it looked like the overlords were finally going to get the national attention they craved. As we wrote at the time:

See, what the overlords need is some way to get the word out to the whole country, some major network or nationally circulated newspaper so say  "Hey. We're Greyhound Racing. We Kill And Maim Animals For Your Enjoyment And Our Profit."

Well, the article didn't go quite that far, but still, its conclusion couldn't have done much to brighten the overlords' day:

Paul Walden, a former trainer in Swindon in Wiltshire, whose family has been training dogs since the 1930s, recently quit the business altogether as it was bleeding cash.

Ouch. Well, in July the overlords found another champion who wasn't afaid to tell the truth the way he saw it, Mr. Jim Blanchard who, taking a page from the Gary Guccione book of logic and style set out to prove that making the mistreatment of greyhounds public was the worst thing the organizations who publicized greyhound abuse could do. As we summarized his point:

If those people trying to draw attention to the mistreatment and neglect greyhounds suffer on the track would just stop being so public about the mistreatment and neglect greyhounds suffer on the track, then maybe they could get some credibility. you know like Anthony Fowler.

 In August it looked as if the overlords' future was brightening as they found someone stupid enough...er...we mean someone with a love of brutality...um...we mean someone with more money than brains who was willing to invest. A Mr. Eddie Lyons by name. There were, as we wrote at the time, some...ah...issues though. First of all, Eddie Lyons is a mobster and second, his strategy for winning is somewhat unorthodox. As we commented:

OK wait a minute. The guy is spending money to train dogs that can't race in the hopes that he will be able to breed them someday because people will be looking for racing dogs that come from a line of dogs that can't race, is that it?

That seems to be it.

Perfect! You couldn't find a person more suited to invest in greyhound racing if you built them from the ground up.

 September bought to light yet more drugging scandals involving overlords Eric Butler and Alfred Vella. It also highlighted why you should pay attention in chemistry class if you're planning on making a career of cheating with drugs. As we commented at the time:

Hmm...well in his defense we have to say that Alfred was apparently paying more attention in chemistry class than Eric was. We mean, caffeine? Yeah, we get that, but theobromine? Dude, that's chocolate! Now, chocolate might make some people run faster, but dogs? Ah...not so much. See, that's why the lure is a fake rabbit and not a snickers bar.

 In October we took a step away  from our usual fare and told you the story of a group of college kids at Bergen Community College in New Jersey and their yearly Greyhound Adoption Day. As we said at the time:

Who says all college students do is smoke dope and listen to the rock and roll? Oh wait, that was us. We have no idea what college kids do today. Well, except for these college kids who appear to have decided to make a difference.

The event ties back into the school, with English as a second language students producing reports about greyhounds and the school's graphic designers creating T-shirts that are sold with proceeds benefiting GFNJ.  Ha! Making a difference and getting credit for it. Are these kids smart, or what?

 November brought us back to the issue of overlords and chemistry in the person of one Dan Francati, general manager of the Kennel Club and Poker Room who, it seems, in a fit of economy was spraying a termite pesticide on the dogs. As Mr. Francati explained:

 The chapter used a solution of equal parts Termidor, alcohol and water on the coats of the club's dogs as a flea and tick repellent. "Look, the kennels are infested with termites and the dogs are infested with fleas and ticks."

 Well said, Mr. Francati. His ultimate defense was equally impressive:

"Hey. What do you want from me?" Francati said. "It took me three years to get out of tenth grade fer chrissakes. Does that sound like chemistry major material to you?"

 Which brings us back to the present and our rapidly closing year. Just one task remaining. You ready for your closeup KB?

This laid-back handsome boy is very curious about everything that is going on. You know for sure that he is excited or happy when his right ear sticks up and tips back. KB’s is friendly and will come up and lean on his foster parents as well as the other dogs. While looking for attention, he will put his nose in your face. This boy loves food! If someone is in the kitchen, he will follow in the hope of getting some tasty morsels. Would do fine as an only dog in a working family. Would do fine in a home with children over 10. He has not had any exposure to younger children but would probably be fine depending on their maturity level. Does fine in crate. For more information about these dogs, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

 Eds. Note: As this is the last hound we are going to feature in 2011, we remind you of an Ironicus Maximus tradition because we're still sober enough to remember it ourselves. In this tradition we take the last skinny dog of the year and follow him from kennel to kouch. See how we played with the letter K? That's more subtle Ironicus Maximus humor right there. Funny too. Did you know K is the funniest letter in the alphabet?

Trust us. We know about these things.

A Day That Will Live In Calumny

OK, so if Newt failing to get on the Virginia ballot was like the Japanese strike at Pearl Harbor, then Rick Perry suing the state because he also failed to file the requisite paperwork must be like the battle of Midway where the plucky fliers from the carriers Clueless, Disorganized and Gulf of Idiots caught the mighty empire of bureaucracy flatfooted and delivered a resounding blow for mediocrity and being excused from following the rules if you're stupid, right?

Of course we may be mistaken because we aren't professional historians like Dr. Gingrich. Our training leans more to the classical which is why as soon as we saw this photo we recognized the face that launched a thousand ships of fools.

On The Bright Side, At Least They Decided To Drive, Not Fly

We see the Mitt Romney dog story is bubbling up again probably because reporters are running out of questions for him to answer every possible way, so we thought since it's sort of a down time between the recently concluded war on Christmas and the impending new year we'd rerun a post from 2007 in which we first remarked on the Mittbot's love for his canine companion. Remember if you haven't read it, it's new to you and we have to get down to the local adult beverage emporium anyway. So without further ado we present Mitt Romney, Dog Lover:


Regular readers of this blog probably need more to do...er...know that here in the marbled halls of IM Central we are big fans of canis familiaris. Specifically, the companion of gods and goddesses, but in truth, we're equal opportunity ear scratchers. So you might imagine our reaction whilst perusing yet another "in depth" press release about presidential candidates, in this case Mitt (tell me what you want to hear) Romney, we ran across this:

Before beginning the drive, Mitt Romney put Seamus, the family's hulking Irish setter, in a dog carrier and attached it to the station wagon's roof rack. He'd built a windshield for the carrier, to make the ride more comfortable for the dog.

See, this is why we drink. People who are this clueless about living beings who are not them should not be allowed out without adult supervision. And by adult supervision we mean anyone capable of tying their own shoes.

Well, as you might imagine, Mitt's excellent adventure didn't turn out so well:

As the oldest son, Tagg Romney commandeered the way-back of the wagon, keeping his eyes fixed out the rear window, where he glimpsed the first sign of trouble. ''Dad!'' he yelled. ''Gross!'' A brown liquid was dripping down the back window, payback from an Irish setter who'd been riding on the roof in the wind for hours.

First of all, who names their kid Tagg? What are the other kids' names? Dodgeball and Hopscotch? Whatever. OK, so here's the Romney clan, merrily motoring down the highway with a dog strapped to the roof of the car so traumatized he has lost control of his bowels. Now, you would think that diarrhea might be a clue for Mr. Mitt that he may have misread the situation vis-a-vis canine travel arrangements. Alas, no, but our humble scribe now steps in to provide the verbiage that explains this little foray into the Mittster's character:

As the rest of the boys joined in the howls of disgust, Romney coolly pulled off the highway and into a service station. There, he borrowed a hose, washed down Seamus and the car, then hopped back onto the highway. It was a tiny preview of a trait he would grow famous for in business: emotion-free crisis management.

"Emotion-free crisis management." In other words, the guy has all the compassion of a box of rocks. But that's not the scary part.

Starting with probably a criminal lack of common sense, Mitty concocted this plan to lash the family pet to the outside of the car, alone, where the noise of the wind, and traffic could proceed to practically scare him to death. Then, faced with he fact that his plan was not proceeding according to his original intent, what did he do? Hosed the dog off, threw him back in the crate and headed off down the highway with a song in his heart and buzzing in his head. In other words, when faced with the need to go to plan B, he chose to stay the course.

Sound familiar?

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, here we are at the eve of Christmas eve and we here in the marbled halls of IM Central are full of the spirit of the season. In fact we're pretty sure Stolichnaya means merry Christmas in Russian. On second thought since Russia is a heathen nation it probably means something godless like happy holidays, but no matter, we're full of something and feeling rather magnanimous as a result. At least we think that feeling is magnanimosity. Could be the bloody Mary's we had for breakfast talking.

Whatever. The point is that we're even feeling seasonally adjusted when it comes to the overlords and so we thought we'd provide a little video proof of their claim that the units...erm...the dogs always receive the best of care. Sort of a Christmas present to them, Ironicus style. So herewith and without further ado is a little snippet demonstrating how much greyhound pups enjoy their initiation into the exciting world of animal exploitation---tattooing.




Now, to the untrained eye it might appear that our little initiate isn't enjoying the ceremony by which he quits his life as a living creature and becomes a commodity, but that's just because somebody told you "the canine and human anatomy is so similar, that most human medicine has been developed using laboratory testing on dogs. Conversely, veterinarians routinely use human medications (labeled and dosed for animals) on their canine patients," and you think tattooing hurts because you know it would hurt you..

Ha! It's obvious you don't know much about preparing the units for market...uh...we mean training highly prized canine athletes because, as Ms. TheFastdogmom points out in the comments, Circumcision Biotch!!  In fact, as Ms. TheFastdogmom points out, many greyhounds don't even yelp. (for the record, at our uh...event analogous to ear tattooing according to TheFastdogmom--we yelped, with a capital YELP!)

Sp we're assuming that on the filming day only a sissy greyhound was available and the camera had to get back to Uncle Bill's before he realized it was gone, so what are you going to do?

So, to wrap up, getting your wanger whacked, getting an ear tattoo, potato, potahto, right Devie?

 Devie is a 10 year old girl who did her racing at the Dairyland track in Wisconsin before it closed. She has recently been returned because her owners could no longer care for her. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

We Want You To Come Home, But You May Have To Come In The Back Door

OK, so we're plunked down in front of the 60" plasma, watching Scott Pelley tell us that even though they'd showed a video of an Australian Navy exercise instead of the North Korean torpedo attack on a South Koren ship (we totally understand. Happens to us all the time) they all work very hard around CBS to ensure accuracy--well except for the guy who's supposed to recognize flags--oh, and when they report about the Occupy movement, or the World Cup, or...well you get the point. Anyway when Scotty got done with his soliloquy on precision they went to commercial and  what should drift across our screen but:



Now, frequent reader(s) of this blog will recall that the two greatest lies parents tell their children are there is a Santa Claus and hard work pays off...er...we mean will recall that your humble scribes here in the marbled halls of IM Central are refugees from the church catholic and thus the primary target of the above plaintive request.

You kind of know where this is going, don't you?  OK, let's go to the video tape:

The thing opens like a trailer for the next Schwarzenegger movie: "Coming In December...A National Television Event..." The only thing missing is the voice over "TERROR HAS A NEW FACE AND HE'S LOOKING AT YOU!!! COMING IN DECEMBER...THE POPINATOR...THIS TIME IT'S BIBLICAL..."

Cut to soft focus shots of some Mexican folks in native costumes just having a grand old time being catholic, some Africans standing around what looks like a movie set watching a priest, and some guy feeding Asian kids out of the back of a truck.Take away here: Catholics are allowed to dance (subtext: Baptists are lame) Africa is actually in doors, and Asian parents are lazy because they make their kids go get the free food.

Then comes a scene in a catholic hospital which apparently doesn't treat Jews because while the nuns are in the background helping someone who appears to be Wilford Brimley, a sickly looking Hasidic fellow shuffles out unnoticed.

Next up is a shot of a couple of Hispanic looking newlyweds in front of some Spanish cathedral architecture and we're told the church likes to bless marriages, well, some marriages anyway. After that we're whisked to a school with a very Aryan looking  teacher (female) in front of a decidedly multi-hued group of students--most of whom appear to be drugged. We're thinking this is not one of the catholic schools in Ireland.

Then the big finish wherein we're told the catholic church was started by Jesus himself (subtext: suck on it protestants) and even though there are a billion of us, we're just like one big family (shot of a priest greeting a family back to church with a quick shaking of dad's hand, then fondly putting his arm around a small child who apparently doesn't realize how much danger she's in).

Finally the obligatory web site and...we're out. So, since the Stoli still hadn't reached optimum temperature yet we decided to visit said web site where we were greeted by Tom Peterson, former advertising executive and founder of Catholics Come Home. It's not clear whether old Tom came home himself, or never left, but anyway, in a rather studied, sort of avuncular manner he wants one and all to know they're welcome back, even if they've never been catholics, which seems to create a philosophical dilemma in that one wonders how one can return to a place one has never been? Well, the church always was better at do as I say, not as I do than doctrinal consistency.

The basic takeaway here seems to be that if you're ethnic (crazy dancing Mexicans, African tribals, or jungle dwelling Asians) we want you, but don't forget it's white folks (priests, nuns and teachers) who run the place.

So, to recap: Let's take Hispanics, Blacks and Asians, put them all in stereotypical situations, show them being ministered to by white people and use that to let the world know we're the new and improved catholic church. On the bright side, you could argue that racism is an improvement over pedophilia.

And Not Only That, They Had The Nerve To Offer Me Domestic Wine With Dinner

We're coming to you today from the Cry Me A River Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The CMARD is a division of the I Complained I Had No Amedeo Testonis Until I Saw A Man Driving Last Year's Mercedes Corporation in partnership with Is Your House In The Hamptons A Refrigerator Box? Inc.

It seems the patter of the great unwashed has gotten loud enough to be heard over the clink of Swarovski crystal in the club dining room and the patrons are most annoyed.

Jamie Dimon, the highest-paid chief executive officer among the heads of the six biggest U.S. banks, turned a question at an investors’ conference in New York this month into an occasion to defend wealth. “Acting like everyone who’s been successful is bad and because you’re rich you’re bad, I don’t understand it,” the JPMorgan Chase & Co. (JPM) CEO told an audience member who asked about hostility toward bankers. “Sometimes there’s a bad apple, yet we denigrate the whole.”

Ah, the classic "bad apple" defense. We've seen this before. Curious how that aforementioned mysterious "bad apple" always seems to be somewhere else and further, how the innocent victim of said "bad apple's" evil deeds has no idea where, or even who this alleged apple is, and thus must suffer the slings and arrows of misplaced fury. It's as if making $23 million a year is small recompense for the pain and suffering you endure when the corporate jet is in for maintenance and you can't make the opening match at the Australian Open this year. Oh by the way Mr. Dimon, if you ever do find an apple, bad or otherwise, we know about 16 million children who'd like a bite.

If successful businesspeople don’t go public to share their stories and talk about their troubles, “they deserve what they’re going to get,” said Home Depot Inc. (HD) co-founder Bernard Marcus, 82, a founding member of Job Creators Alliance, a Dallas-based nonprofit that develops talking points and op-ed pieces aimed at “shaping the national agenda,” according to the group’s website. He said he isn’t worried that speaking out might make him a target of protesters.
“Who gives a crap about some imbecile?” Marcus said. “Are you kidding me?”

Well said sir. Just one question: When you interviewed the 13.3 million people without jobs, the 3.5 million people who experience homelessness every year, and the 150 million people who are poor or low income, how did you know you'd finally found the one who was an imbecile?

The organization assisted John A. Allison IV, a director of BB&T Corp. (BBT), the ninth-largest U.S. bank, and Staples Inc. co- founder Thomas Stemberg with media appearances this month. “It still feels lonely, but the chorus is definitely increased,” Allison, 63, a former CEO of the Winston-Salem, North Carolina-based bank...

Oh we feel your pain there Johnny. Sort of like those latch key kids who come home to an empty house because their parents are working two or three minimum wage jobs. Oh wait, you have a household staff paid to listen to you if you get bored in the game room. Never mind.

At a lunch in New York, Stemberg and Allison shared their disdain for Section 953(b) of the Dodd-Frank Act, which requires public companies to disclose the ratio between the compensation of their CEOs and employee medians, according to Allison. The rule, still being fine-tuned by the Securities and Exchange Commission, is “incredibly wasteful” because it takes up time and resources, he said.

Can't argue with you there. We mean, the number of people you have to hire to make those numbers look less obscene, and then try to make it sound like you're really worth that much when your company is tanking, well, that's got to eat up something like 0.025% of your bonus or something right?

“Instead of an attack on the 1 percent, let’s call it an attack on the very productive,” Allison said. “This attack is destructive.”

 Oops, sorry Mr. Allison sir. We didn't realize CEO's were the only employees at their corporations. Our bad.

Asked if he were willing to pay more taxes in a Nov. 30 interview with Bloomberg Television, Blackstone Group LP (BX) CEO Stephen Schwarzman spoke about lower-income U.S. families who pay no income tax. “You have to have skin in the game,” said Schwarzman, 64. “I’m not saying how much people should do. But we should all be part of the system.”

Ah, we think we can help you here Mr. Schwarzman. See, income tax is about income and the less income you have, the less tax you pay until you finally get to a point where the government says, "dude, your income is so small why don't you just forget about the tax and go buy an extra can of beans or something?"

Oh, and one other thing, Mr. Schwarzman. That whole poor pay no income taxes thing? That's a dodge created by rich douche bags like you to divert the issue from the fact that most of your income comes from capital gains and doesn't come from doing an honest day's work anyway, plus you can afford a battalion of lawyers and tax accountants to make sure you pay as little as possible, bless your little black heart.

Some of Schwarzman’s capital gains at Blackstone, the world’s largest private-equity firm, are taxed at 15 percent, not the 35 percent top marginal income-tax rate.

 Word.

Attacking the banking system is a mistake because it contributes to “a healthier economy,” he said in the interview.

Dude. Look around you. Is this what you call health? Oh wait, you were talking about your economy. Sorry, we misunderstood.

“If I hear a politician use the term ‘paying your fair share’ one more time, I’m going to vomit,” said Tom Golisano, billionaire founder of payroll processer Paychex Inc., who turned 70 last month, celebrating the birthday with girlfriend Monica Seles, the former tennis star who won nine Grand Slam singles titles.

Well, hope you didn't get any on Monica's shoes. On the bright side, at least you have something in your stomach to throw up. Some folks aren't so lucky.

I Am The Lord Thy God, And I Approve This Message

Frequent reader(s) of this blog are aware that despair is the handmaiden of existence...er...we mean will remember that back before god got distracted by Tim Tebow and was paying attention to the republican primary, we predicted that the line on his three favorites was overrated.

Which brings us to the deity's current thinking vs-a-vis the American political system, namely Newt Gingrich. Now, like we said, god has his hands full getting the Broncos into the playoffs--especially since little Timmy can't seem to throw a pass that doesn't fly like a wounded goose, even with divine help--so the big guy asked one of his spokespersons, Jim Garlow, the pastor of Skyline Church in La Mesa, Calif. to take the holy podium.

“There is a fundamental conflict underway about what kind of country we're going to be,” Garlow wrote in his 9,000-word essay to pastors Saturday. “It is no longer a case of 'right vs. left' as some might say, thus suggesting these two positions are moral equivalents. They are not. It is not “right vs. left,” but “right vs. wrong.  Although Mr. Gingrich is not running for 'Theologian-in-Chief' but 'Commander-in-Chief,' he grasps these issues. He understands the moral component.”

 Whoa, 9000 words? OK, so you could argue the reverend Jim isn't as succinct as Uber Kommandeur Herr Yahweh, but on the other hand, if you're going to make a moral argument that shows Newty in a good light, well, that's gonna take some time. Just saying.

Garlow has been backing Gingrich for the past few years and has served on the board of one of Gingrich's non-profit organizations, Renewing American Leadership, dedicated to "preserving America's Judeo-Christian heritage."

 Now before you get all up on your high horse and start in with the "conflict of interest, conflict of interest" stuff, just take a moment and think about this. Sure the good reverend supped at the Gingrich table of positive cash flow, but that doesn't mean his integrity has been compromised any more than Newty's attack on Freddie and Fannie Mae was compromised by his years as the staff historian. It's called compartmentalization people and we know Pastor G is good at it because he could take Matthew 7:1-2 and wall it off allowing him to

[P]lay a leading role pushing in 2008 pushing for passage of California’s Proposition 8, the ballot initiative that eliminated the right of same sex couples to marry.

Also, too, he speaks for god and whatnot.

“I do not see a separation between “social issues” and “fiscal issues.”  I see only “biblical imperatives,”  he wrote. “As such, I care about many issues, as do most evangelicals. Along with the sanctity of life and the sacredness of marriage is the biblical command that “thou shalt not steal”…from future generations. Thus, our staggering national debt is not merely a “political” issue. It is a biblical and moral issue. And, as such, our national debt is obscene and immoral. The pulpits of America should thunder with that message.”

OK, so fighting unnecessary wars all over the world? Check.  Being asleep at the switch while bankers loot the economy? Check. Having the largest income gap between rich and poor in more than 40 years? Check. Government running a deficit like it has done off and on through history since Alexander Hamilton? SWEET JEBUS ON A POGO STICK!! CALL OUT THE MARINES!!

Er...um...we mean vote for Newt. Look, god's busy trying to get Tebow able to hit the ground with his shoe. Newt's the only other guy who can get us out of this mess. Just ask him if you don't believe us.

Friday Hound Blogging

Last week we told you about the efforts of the overlords in Kansas to bring the exciting, thrilling, action-packed, electrifying, exploitation of innocent animals for profit back to the sunflower state because...um...because...er...well, we guess because it's doing so well in Florida.

Key to the overlords' strategy was convincing the good people of the state that subsidizing the senseless suffering and meaningless deaths of perfectly healthy greyhounds was a viable activity which would accrue benefits to the larger population and not just a way for a few soulless losers to avoid working for a living. Now, since the aforementioned soulless losers had already been told to get a job the last time they asked for the opportunity to exchange the lives of helpless greyhounds for their trailer payments, the first step in the plan was to get the Legislature to revisit the issue that voters had turned down in 2007. So, overlord fellows, how's that working out for you?

Gov. Sam Brownback expressed doubt Thursday state lawmakers had time to devote political energy to an advisory vote in Sedgwick County testing interest in placing slot machines at a dog racetrack.

OK, we're not political scientists or anything, but that doesn't sound good.

"I don't want to address the gaming issue in this next session," Brownback said in an interview. "Start addressing gaming in the Legislature and it sucks all the oxygen out of the place."

 We hope the governor is speaking metaphorically there, or it seems the overlords have the same effect on legislators as they have on their canine charges, namely painful suffering and early death.

Tracy Wildey, vice president of the Kansas Greyhound Association, said Wichita Wins would attempt to secure petition signatures of 5,000 people who believe the outcome of the first vote was tainted by a confusing ballot question and think a second public vote on the topic is warranted.

 So, Mr. Wildey is going to attempt to find 5,000 people who think greyhound racing is something sentient beings should engage in and who are literate enough to sign their own names? Good luck with that, dude.

Horse and dog racing throughout the state has suffered as track operators closed rather than install slots under a Kansas law requiring operators to surrender 40 percent of slot revenue to the state. Track investors want the state to surrender a portion of their share to improve track profits.

 Um...we're not financial wizards or anything, but when investors tell you they're going to need you to give them more money to "improve profits" before they even begin, that's like a red flag or something, right Boss?

Bogus Boss is an extremely shy and gentle boy. Since being placed in a quiet foster home he has starting coming out of his shell. He is beginning to enjoy playing with toys and do puppy-like things. He is playful in yard and with other dogs. If you are missing something around the house, you will want to check his bed as he has become a collector of objects. Bogus Boss does spook easily by loud noises and is very shy of new people. Due to his shyness, he had to be moved from the busy foster home with children to a home with a single elderly person. Bogus Boss would do best in a home with either an elderly person or with a single person or couple with no children. He would do fine in a home with other dogs of any size or as a single dog. He will need to be placed in a home with a person of great patience to understand and work on his shyness. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

America! Motto: We Coulda Been A Contender

We live in a country where, because of this:

Squeezed by rising living costs, a record number of Americans — nearly 1 in 2 — have fallen into poverty or are scraping by on earnings that classify them as low income.

Things like this happen:

Banks stand to lose millions of dollars in debt repayments if the biggest municipal bankruptcy in American history is allowed to proceed. But the real victims of the financial collapse in the US state of Alabama's most populous county are its poorest residents - forced to bathe in bottled water and use portable toilets after being cut off from the mains supply. And there is widespread anger in Jefferson County that swingeing sewerage rate hikes could have been avoided but for the greed, corruption and incompetence of local politicians, government officials and Wall Street financiers. Mrs Lucas's monthly sewerage rate bills - the amount levied by the county to flush away waste and provide water for baths and showers - has quadrupled in the past 15 years. She says it is currently running at $150 (£97) a month, which leaves little left out of her $600 social security cheque for food and electricity.

And where, what is supposedly the party that is for the people, the democratic party, does this

Senate Democrats are now considering dropping their demand that a payroll tax holiday for workers be offset by imposing a small surtax on millionaires, according to Democratic aides...

And when the party that's supposed to be for the people doesn't respond to what most of the people want, this is our electoral alternative at the moment: 

So here's our question: Why bother? You vote for democrats and you get republicans. You vote for republicans and you get republicans.

And here's another question: Why is the story about Tammy Lucas and the rest of the folks in Alabama who have had the invisible hand of the free market turn off their water supply only being reported in the foreign press?

Also, too.

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey did you hear? The economy's getting better. Well, except for the part that isn't. OK, the point is, if there's even a glimmer of hope that America isn't about to become a dystopian desertscape of ruined cities full of marauding packs of  feral children abandoned to a Lord of the Flies existence when all the adults were killed off in the last great resource war the overlords figure people will want to renew their commitment to watching innocent animals suffer needless injury and die painful meaningless deaths because...entertainment! Right Tracy Wildey?

"Well, obviously it's at Wichita Greyhound Park and Phil Ruffin is the owner of the greyhound park," says Wildey. "So he is the one that would put the money out." The money would be an investment of $100 Million. So, with an investor in place, the "grassroots" group called WichitWins wants to get slots at the dog track back into the hands of voters. Voters said no in 2007.

 Can't argue with that logic Mr. Wildey. It says Greyhound Park right up there on the sign, so greyhounds it is. Well, and slots which is, of course, implied by the greyhound sign, so it's not like you're changing anything, you know, logical wise and all that. That whole voters said no thing seems to be a bit of a hiccup though, don't you think?

"We believe voters were very distinct in not wanting a casino in Sedgwick County," explains Wildey. "However we don't believe that the track question on electronic games at the race track was clear. That question lost by less than 250 votes so our answer is: We would like more of a clear vote on that."

Understandable, understandable. After all, the folks in  Sedgwick County said "no" to you in 2007, but that could be misconstrued as indicating they meant "no." Definitely needs to be cleared up. Hey, who knows how many of those 250 folks have died or moved away, right?

"The complex would feature wagering on greyhound dog racing, slot machine gaming and other amenities," explains Wildey. "It would create 500 new jobs and produce new tax revenue for the state of Kansas."

Hmm...that sounds a little rosy. You must not be using the Florida model as your predictive basis.

"Greyhound racing is a dying industry. Since 2004, tax revenue from live dog racing has declined by 72 percent and paid attendance dropped 69 percent."

 Darn. If only that sign didn't say Greyhound Park they might be able to come up with something that might actually make a little money, huh Tipsy?

Tipsy is very playful and snuggly. He has a lot of energy for a senior dog. He is friendly and affectionate—he will look for people if they’ve left the room. He will approach to have his ears scratched. He smiles when it is supper time. Tipsy would do well in a working family home with older, well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Welcome to America, Inc.

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know dreams don't die, they simply get misplaced as disappointments pile up around them...er...we mean know that we hale from the Volunteer state and even though we came north years ago, still like to look back in fondness on the old sod. Well, usually we're just making fun of the bubbas in their attempts recapture the magic of the 19th century but, giving credit where credit is due, we suddenly realized after running across this that Tennessee is on the cutting edge of the creation of the new America.

A Tennessee couple helplessly watched their home burn to the ground, along with all of their possessions, because they did not pay a $75 annual fee to the local fire department.

See, now in the old, antiquated America folks--or as those political scholars in the Tea Party like to call them--the We The People got together to decide on things that were good for the whole community--like say a fire department--then as a community they would contribute to the maintenance of  those "common goods" through the collection of taxes.

Shoot.  Where's the profit in that?

South Fulton Mayor David Crocker defended the fire department, saying that if firefighters responded to non-subscribers, no one would have an incentive to pay the fee.

 Oh you don't have to convince us Mayor Crocker, we mean, what's the point of having a government at all if it's going to be off doing things like putting out fires, maintaining the roads, police, schools and on and on. Cripes, you think the Founding Fathers created executive, legal and legislative institutions to ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare and secure the blessing of liberty to ourselves and our posterity? That's crazy talk, man!

Vicky Bell told the NBC affiliate WPSD-TV that she called 911 when her mobile home in Obion County caught fire. Firefighters arrived on the scene but as the fire raged, they simply stood by and did nothing.

Now, some may ask why the firemen showed up in the first place if they never intended to put out the fire. Well, that's obvious isn't it? If you had a chance to drive a firetruck around town with lights and sirens, wouldn't you do it in a heartbeat? Plus when you get to the fire you don't have to do anything. Win win!

The South Fulton policy produced precisely the same nightmare scenario last year, when homeowner Gene Cranick--who had likewise failed to pay the $75 annual fee for rural Obion County residents--saw his house engulfed by flames as South Fulton firefighters watched close by.

 Well, all we can say is some people never learn.

That incident sparked a debate among conservative pundits over the limits of fee-for-service approaches to government.

Debate huh? That's odd. We would think conservatives would be behind this sort of thing. Self reliance, small government, get out of the way of the free market and all that. Let's ask one of the debaters to clarify. Kevin Williamson, would you indulge us?

The world is full of jerks, freeloaders, and ingrates — and the problems they create for themselves are their own. These free-riders have no more right to South Fulton's firefighting services than people in Muleshoe, Texas, have to those of NYPD detectives."

Right on Mr. Williamson. Andrew Jackson couldn't have said it better, or maybe that was Teddy Roosevelt. Yeah, it was Teddy Roosevelt. It's like you're channeling him, Mr. Williamson.

In Which Tony Perkins Produces An Outcome He Didn't Intend

We're coming to you today from the Department of Theology here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The Department of Theology is located in the Center for the Co-opting of Religion to Suit Your Biases which is part of the College of Thank God Jesus Can't Speak For Himself.

While slooshing the inter toobz this morning we ran across this:

Jesus was a free marketer, not an Occupier

written by well known theologian and leading explainer of "What Jesus Really Meant To Say" Tony Perkins whom-we hasten to point out-is not a bigot according to Bill Donahue, a man who has more experience with bigotry than almost anyone else in the country. We mention this because one of the measures of one's gravitas in the field is the stature of those who vouch for him.

OK, so Perkins explains that Jesus was not an occupier, which would probably explain why he got so upset with the money lenders occupying the temple. Pretty straightforward, except that since the SEC hadn't been invented yet we have to assume the money lenders were in there lending money at totally free market rates, so we have a bit of a conundrum, or as Mr. Perkins might say, something I'll make up stuff about later.

As Jesus was about to enter Jerusalem for the last time, just before his crucifixion, he was keenly aware that his disciples greatly desired and even anticipated that the kingdom of God was going to be established immediately on the earth.

Unfortunately Paul missed that meeting.

The apostle Paul also expected a quick return. Although he apparently never met Jesus, he knew about the promised return, and he expected to live long enough to see it happen. In 1Corinthians 7:29-31 he says that the time is so short that believers must drastically change the way they live.

But we have to assume he did get the memo:

Matthew 16:28, in which (Jesus) says "I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom." Another example is found at Luke 21:32, where he says "I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened." He makes similar statements in Luke 9:27 and Mark 9:1.

Well, it seems we have another conundrum on our hands, but since Mr. Perkins is much more intelligent than Paul was, having graduated from Liberty University with a BS (no pun intended) he knows which of Christ's positions is the right one.

As a way to break the news that it wasn't going to happen in the manner and with the timing they expected, Jesus pulled them aside and gave them instructions by way of a parable. The primary purpose of the parable, which appears in the Gospel of Luke, was to make clear to his disciples that the kingdom of God would not be physically established on the earth for some time and that, until then, they were being entrusted with certain responsibilities. Here's the direct quote from Luke: "He called his ten servants, and gave to them ten minas, one mina each (a mina today would be worth around $225), and he then told them to 'Occupy till I come.' "

Oh Jesus you scamp! Always with the parables. Now, we're tempted (Get it? Tempted. Because we're writing about  religious matters and such. This blog has layers, man, layers!) So we're tempted to say Mr. Perkins is about to tell us Jesus would be for the Occupy movement because he uses the word occupy in his story, but for a guy so close to Jesus he gets a bad taste in his mouth every time the J mans burps, we figure there's got to be more to the story.

No, the Greek term behind the old English translation literally means "be occupied with business."

Right. Which is why Jesus owned a Subway franchise in Judea.

From a spiritual perspective, the mina in this parable represents the opportunity of life; each of us is given the same opportunity to build our lives, and each of us shares the same responsibility to invest our lives for the purpose of bringing a return and leaving a legacy.

Wait. So now you're saying Jesus would support the people in the occupy movement who are investing their lives in bringing about economic justice and leaving a legacy of equality and fairness?

The fact that Jesus chose the free market system as the basis for this parable should not be overlooked.

Really? We're supposed to take the point of the parable symbolically, but the topic literally?  Man! This bible study stuff is confusing. Can we go back to when we just had conundrums?

The third servant in the story had apparently either slept through his economics course or was just indifferent to the work delegated to him. He had essentially kept the capital entrusted to him under his mattress for safekeeping. The employee review is immediate and intense: "Out of your own mouth will I judge you, you wicked servant." The king's disappointment and frustration are nearly palpable. "Why didn't you at least put the money in the bank and draw interest?" the king inquires. While such language might prompt an HR complaint today, its meaning was quite clear to the disciples. There are no excuses for doing nothing.

"There are no excuses for doing nothing." So the big J would have been out there in Zicotti Park. Whew! Thanks for clearing that up Mr. P.

Some would argue that such an approach encourages abuses, the likes of which we have seen on Wall Street. While some egregious abuses have taken place, they are not inevitable or intrinsic to free enterprise.

Gotcha!  And as long as there are abuses, we need to be out there doing something about them. No excuses for doing nothing and all that. You know, you could have just said the in the first place.

Friday Hound Blogging

Well we're officially into the War on Christmas season now and we here in the marbled halls of IM Central want to say that we are full of the spirit of the year. No, not that spirit, that spirit. OK the other spirit too, but that's not our point. What we mean to say is that in keeping with the zeit of the geist we are all about peace on earth and goodwill towards men. Ah, we're more than happy to display some goodwill towards women too, but Mrs. IM keeps us on a pretty short leash in that area.

Now, frequent reader(s) of this blog know that happiness is the drape covering the window of despair...er...we mean know that on FHB days we generally take the overlords to task for purporting to have souls while acting in ways that would make them unwelcome in a neighborhood of scorpions. Not this week. This week in honor of the season we bring you a story of overlord commitment, selflessness and love for their furry charges.

Eleven Greyhounds are in need of new homes, all of them found abandoned outside of a 7-11 in Wichita Falls.

"Abandoned?" Come on. Typical journalistic hyperbole. Always trying to sensationalize the story, huh? We'd bet there's a perfectly legitimate explanation.

"The trailer they were being carried in, a dog trailer had a flat tire and the person had left it there," says Katrena Mitchell, the Animal Services Administrator of the Wichita Falls Animal Service Center.

Ha! What'd we tell you? Flat tire. Perfectly common occurrence. Happens every day. Where's your "abandoned" now Ms. gin up controversy where there is none reporter person? Huh? What do you have to say for yourself?

It was about 36-40 hours before the dogs were discovered when the trailer was being impounded.

There. See? This would be a non-story if you hadn't been lurking around like a buzzard waiting to pounce on the situation and make something out of...uh...out of...did you say 36 to 40 hours? That can't be right. You're making that up. We know, let's hear from the owner. It's just a little bit strange don't you think, that all this drama is being whipped up and no one has let the poor owner have a say. Afraid that will ruin your little controversy, Ms. who cares about the facts reporter person?

"The information that we could gather from the trailer, that the tags came back to an owner or anything, was all a dead end,"Mitchell says.

Oh sure, take the easy way out. Have you considered  the CIA? Have you considered Al Qaeda? ALIENS? A person doesn't just disappear and leave their dogs in a parking lot. These dogs represent years of effort in training, care not to mention money. They're professional athletes for crying out loud. Would you expect to find a bus load of NFL players abandoned in a parking lot by the team owner? Foul play is at work here Ms. ignore the obvious reporter person. Or maybe you want to ignore the facts. Maybe you know exactly what happened to this hapless overlord, but your corporate masters won't let you tell.

There's a conspiracy afoot here Butternut. X Files stuff we're sure.

Butternut is a bouncy, friendly, and very sociable girl who enjoys meeting and hanging out with people and other dogs.  She loves to go for a good walk and also race around in the yard. She will play ball with herself, pouncing on it and picking it up in her mouth. Then she settles in for a good nap. Butternut does fine with other dogs but would probably also be fine as an only dog. She does not like to be crated so would do best in either a non-working home or in a home where she can have free range of the house or be confined a one room with a gate. She would do well in a home with well-behaved children. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

WWJD*

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know increased expectations is the reef that sinks the ship of effort when it ventures from the waters of mediocrity...erm...we mean know that occasionally we like to trot our little heathen heinnies over to the holy side of the inter toobz and see what the community of the saved is up to.

A vote to bar interracial couples from a small church in eastern Kentucky has triggered hand-wringing and embarrassment.

Well, as long as the hands being wrung belong to the same race we should be OK, but here's our question: Since when do churches get to vote on stuff? Admittedly, we haven't been paying a lot of attention lately, but god never struck us as a participatory management kind of guy, you know? 

Nine members of Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church backed their former pastor, with six opposed, in Sunday's vote to bar interracial couples from church membership and worship activities. Funerals were excluded.

Funerals exempted huh? Well, that makes sense we guess. After all, if you're part of an interracial couple and one of you dies, you're not interracial anymore. Problem solved, welcome back to the brotherhood. By the way, god loves you again.

The vote was taken after most of the 40 people who attended Sunday services had left the church in Pike County, near the border with West Virginia. Many members left to avoid the vote.

Well, of course they left. The last thing god wants you to do is stand up for your beliefs. Just ask those guys...whatchamacallits...um...you know...the  guys, you know...oh heck, what were they called? Martyrs, yeah, the martyrs, you know, those guys.

At services earlier this year, Stella Harville, 24, who is working on her master's degree in optical engineering, sang "I Surrender All" with her fiance, Ticha Chikuni, 29, a Zimbabwe native, according to her father. Chikuni, an employee at Georgetown College in Kentucky, played the piano.

Hey, who wouldn't be upset at a couple of college hippies taking over the bandstand. Probably played that rock and roll after they smoked some of the marijuana too.

"There didn't appear to be any problem," said longtime church official Dean Harville said on Wednesday. "None whatsoever." But Harville said pastor Melvin Thompson told him the couple would not be allowed to sing at the church again. Thompson resigned in August but would not drop the issue.

Um...if Pastor Melvin resigned, why does anyone give a corn fart what he thinks?

Thompson told a local radio outlet, "I do not believe in interracial marriages, and I do not believe this (ban) will give our church a black eye at all."

Oops. Pardon us there padre. We didn't realize that religion was all about what you believed. That whole bible and ten commandments guide for living thing must have confused us there for a minute. Oh, and the black eye thing? Shouldn't be a problem if you ignore all the people who stop by to point and laugh.

*Who Would Jesus Dump

Dear Governor Brownback...

We have recently been made aware of your traumatic experience at the hands of Emma Sullivan, whom to all outward appearances seems to be a high school senior, but is apparently a weapons grade Twitter Terrorist. Now, as educational technicians we should tell you that we have on more than on occasion suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous diction from certain elements of the teen aged population and thus our advice comes from a wealth of experience. To wit:

Grow a pair.

See, young people, particularly young people with 140 characters tend not to be overly explanatory in their critiques of various policies and positions, so instead of "I find Governor Brownback's policies to be regressive, ill conceived and patently unfair, more than likely resulting in the exact opposite outcome to that which he intends," you get "Dude blows." Now, while this particular expression may be lacking in nuance, it succinctly contains the author's studied conclusion vis-a-vis your leadership of the state, and since--as we understand it--this particular interpretation of your administration was broadcast to a grand total of 60 people, well, as our old daddy used to say, we feel for you...but we just can't reach you.

Now, you may plead ignorance to the whole thing and say it was your director of communications Sherienne Jones-Sontag, who responded to the Tweet as part of routine media monitoring, but that just makes it seem like you're the type of guy that lets other people fight his battles. Pretty lame Mr. Governor sir, pretty lame. And if you're so concerned about what the media are saying about you that you routinely monitor it clear down to tweets from teenagers, why not just have a contest where you give away something to people who "like" your Facebook page. You'll get plenty of friends that way.

See, here's the thing about insults from teenagers: They have a very short shelf life. It's sort of like you're walking down the street and a car full of kids goes by. One of the occupants recognizes you, rolls down the window and shouts some appropriately inappropriate comment like "Neanderthal," or "Hey Brownie, evolve this!" and almost before you register the comment the carload of now giggling post-pubescents is around the corner and gone, their contribution to political discourse fading away on the breeze, their attention now focused on some new shiny thing because Governor Brownback here's the truth: Teenagers are natural existentialists who emphasize the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe. That hostile or indifferent universe thing, Governor? That would be you.

So you violated the first rule of responding to high school insults which is, don't respond to high school insults, and by so doing, we are sorry to say Mr. Governor sir, you have validated the comment because only someone who truly blows would put up such a fuss over being informed of the obvious. Not only that, but you've managed to drag poor Principal Karl R. Krawitz into the mess causing him to forget the first thing they teach you in teacher school, namely, don't make a rule you can't enforce.

This is well and truly a mess Governor and there is only one way out of it now, which is to punish the snot out of this little girl, thus proving to yourself that you are an upstanding man of principle who demands the respect that he has earned, and showing everyone else that Emma pretty much got it right.  

Your friend,
Ironicus Maximus


PS: As for you Principal Krawitz, given the speed with which you abandoned Emma and rushed to jam your nose up Brownback's butt we pretty much figure you don't have much credibility left to lose, so do what you want, Emma's already learned a valuable lesson from you about adults and trust. 

UPDATE:  Brownback engages in rhetorical ju jitsu, apologizes to Emma. Well played, sir, well played. Krawitz last seen crying in boy's locker room.

Friday Hound Blogging

We're having a little trouble rousing ourselves from the tryptophan induced coma we entered yesterday, so we may not be understanding this completely, but it seems the overlords are starting a tee vee network to broadcast unit exploitation...erm...greyhound racing into every home and hearth with an antenna.

RACING POST is delighted to announce the return of live greyhound racing into homes across the UK and Ireland from mid-December, with the launch of a new three-times-a-week programme.

 OK, now we're not marketing experts or anything, but it seems like you folks have enough trouble convincing people with souls that putting innocent dogs in danger of injury and death so you don't have to get your feet wet in the labor pool  is a valid career choice for someone who is supposedly a member of the human race. You sure you want to show them stuff like this, and this, and this, not to mention this? Not likely to bring people to the track in droves, unless it's with pitchforks and torches. Just saying.

Kevan Moretti, Racing Post’s head of business-to-business services and executive producer for the new programme, commented: “This is a terrific opportunity to help re-energise greyhound racing, and help popularise greyhound ownership.

Well, you might have a point there about popularizing greyhound ownership. When actual human beings see what other supposed human beings are doing to innocent animals for the express purpose of sucking a few bucks off them, they're likely to say, Holy Crap! We have to get those dogs out of there before those heartless bags of wasted protein can hurt any more. That could work.

Hey Beta, ever hear of the law of unintended consequences?

This very playful and affectionate girl will lay her head on your lap and puts her nose in your face to let you know she wants snuggle time. She rolls on her back to have her belly scratched. She loves to be chased around outside. She can be a bit shy at first with new people and situations but gets past it quickly. Hag Beta Girl is also very sociable with other dogs. Hag Beta Girl would do fine in a home with older children. She has had no exposure to children under 12. She is fine with dogs of all sizes. She would probably due well as an only dog as she craves lots of human attention. She does well in her crate so would be fine in a working family. She is a bit shy of men at first but warms up to them quickly. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

What Are You Thankful For, Amerika?

BREAKING: Fox Viewers Dumber Than People Who Live In Caves; In Other News Hot Soup Declared "Hot"

We're coming to you today from the Department Of The Painfully Obvious here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DOTPO is a division of the Lack Of Spelling Ability Should Have Been A Clue Company in partnership with We Don't Need No Education, Inc.

It seems yet another study has shown that when it comes to having a grip on the complex, fast changing events in the world today, viewers of the Fox News Network would be better off blowing up their teevees.

A new Fairleigh Dickinson PublicMind Poll finds that the Sunday morning political shows on television "do the most to help people learn about current events, while some outlets, especially Fox News, lead people to be even less informed than those who they don't watch any news at all."

Now, right off the bat we have to say that if you measure helping people learn about current events by using the Sunday morning political shows, you've already set the bar pretty low, but in defense of Fox viewers we have to at least speculate that their attention is often diverted from the screen because they're are also reading Bill O'Reilly's book.

"For example, people who watch Fox News, the most popular of the 24-hour cable news networks, are 18-points less likely to know that Egyptians overthrew their government than those who watch no news at all (after controlling for other news sources, partisanship, education and other demographic factors). Fox News watchers are also 6-points less likely to know that Syrians have not yet overthrown their government than those who watch no news."

Now that's a pretty unfair comparison there because Fox viewers know there is only one country over in the brown part of the world and it's called Sharia and it wants to blow up all of our MacDonalds and secretly feed us halal until we become Muslim communists. We bet if you asked about some domestic issue Fox viewers would be much better informed, right Megyn Kelly?

Somewhere, Edward R Murrow is trying to hang himself.

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the We Couldn't Have Said It Any Better, Except We'd Never Say Anything That Stupid Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. WCHSIABEWNSATS is a division of the Know Your Audience Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Note To Self, Breathe, NA.

Every once in a while some overlord's brain fires on most synapses for a minute or two and it occurs to them that if their brethren and sisteren are as stupid as they are, there may be a way to take advantage of that. The "advantage" usually takes the form of "Hot Tips," or "Betting secrets of the rich and famous," or "How I made enough at the dog track to afford glass in the windows of my trailer," which, for a nominal sum our occasionally lucid master prognosticator will unleash upon the great unwashed.

Which brings us to Joe, who in spite of his rather simple moniker, is a whiz at eyeballing a winning dog, and because Joe is the type of person he is, will now share the secret to riches and fame at the dog track with those of you for whom cat food is a gustatory step up. Take it away Joe.

The simplest way to bet on greyhound racing is to back a dog to win. Pick one of the six runners and just tell the Tote how much you want to put on. It’s as simple as that.

There you have it ladies and gentlemen, wisdom of the ages laid bare before you. In order to win at the dog track all you have to do it bet on the dog that wins the race. As our Sensei Joe opines, "It's that simple."

You can also back a dog to finish in the top two (called a place bet) but the odds will be much shorter.

Life is truly a wondrous myriad of choices is it not?  You can bet on a dog to not win, but if you do, you won't get as much money because...and here we can forgive our racetrack Sherpa Joe for slipping into technical jargon and say it simply as he would wish--the dog didn't win.

But there are other ways to improve your odds and boost your potential returns. The first of these is called a forecast and it involves picking the winner and the runner-up.

 Do you see now why Joe has made it his life mission to guide us through this labyrinth of options and possibilities? How much more exciting and meaningful is it to "forecast" which dog will win and which dog will not, than only to pick the dog that will win, or pick the dog that will not win? Sweet Jebus and a sugar cone, is there no limit to this man's perspicuity?

If you are feeling really adventurous, you can go for what’s called a trio. This is very similar to a forecast but you select the top three dogs.

No! How can this be? A third option? Joe, our cup truly runneth over. Why, it's almost like you could bet on any dog you wanted.

Don’t worry if you don’t know one end of a dog from another, the Tote offers a quickpick function like the Lotto to help you hit that particular jackpot.

Oh now you've gone too far Joe. It's like you grabbed us as we walked by the track and started stuffing money in our pockets. The Lotto? It's like the Lotto?  Who hasn't hit the Lotto. It's like they're giving away free money huh Larry?

Larry has a puppy-like, affectionate personality and craves attention. He loves to play with toys and go for walks. He is a very bright boy and will be able to learn basic commands with ease. He gets along well with his foster family and the other Greyhounds and cats in the home. Would do well as an only dog as he is very assertive for attention.  He does fine in the crate. He has not had any exposure to children. He has an allergy issue so he will need someone willing to deal with this issue and administer medication. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Shower Rooms! Why Didn't We Think of That?

Well here's a headline we never thought we'd see:

Bishops offer Penn State help to prevent abuse

It appears to be yet another example of, as we like to say around here, ironicus at its maximus.Oh we know what you're thinking, "Come on Ironicus, the best way to prevent burglaries is to hire and ex burglar to head up your security." Yeah. We get that. Trouble is, last time we checked there was nothing "ex" about the fondness of poppa Bene's boys for the prepubescent set...if you get our drift, so we're thinking fox, meet hen house. But let's see what the good folks at Archbishop of New York Timothy Dolan's Club for Overly Friendly Single Men has to say.

The erupting scandal at Penn State brought the horrors of the Catholic clerical sex abuse crisis back into the headlines this month and it made the bishops freshly "bow our heads in shame and contrition," said Archbishop of New York Timothy Dolan, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, at the annual fall meeting in Baltimore on Monday.

Brought back into the headlines?  Dude, brought back from like two days ago? And by the way, one man's bowed head in shame is another's perp walk with your cassock over your head. Just saying.

The bishops, whose policies and secrecy once allowed abuse to fester for decades, set forth in 2002 to create model screening programs and "safe environment training" for abuse protection and prevention.

 Yeah. So how's that working out for you? Not as helpful as the statute of limitations, huh?

Dolan said more than once that the Church is "timid about giving advice," but it stands ready to join any groups that want to take on this society-wide problem.

Groups you should join, groups you should join...hmm...we're thinking NAMBLA padre. What you got in mind?

"We haven't been a good example in the past but we are trying to become one," he said.

In a related story, the vatican announced today that they were starting a summer sports camp for boys aged 9 -12 in the summer of 2013.

This Should Not Be Surprising. We Live In A Country That Puts Chocolate On Its Bacon*

We're coming to you today from the Department of Nutritional Dadaism here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DOND is part of the Now Will You Eat Your Vegetables Company, in partnership with How Do You Like Me Now, Mother That Made Me Eat My Peas, LLC.

It seems that even though our Congress may shy away from daunting tasks like helping people stay in their houses, have a job that pays for more than the gas it takes to get back and forth to it, and not starve to death in the cold after they retire because they're too ill to keep working, they're not afraid to stand up to the powerful broccoli lobby.

In an effort many 9-year-olds will cheer, Congress wants pizza and french fries to stay on school lunch lines and is fighting the Obama administration’s efforts to take unhealthy foods out of schools. The bill also would allow tomato paste on pizzas to be counted as a vegetable.

 "Hey, come on," said one Republican Legislator. "Most of the kids are already fat by the time they get to school. What are we supposed to do? Change their minds? Look. If they're smart enough to evaluate the arguments for creationism and evolution, they're smart enough to decide what to eat."

USDA spokeswoman Courtney Rowe said Tuesday that the department will continue its efforts to make lunches healthier. “While it’s unfortunate that some members of Congress continue to put special interests ahead of the health of America’s children, USDA remains committed to practical, science-based standards for school meals,” she said in a statement.

"Wait. Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing?" Asked one republican legislative aide who asked not to be named. "I thought we were supposed to put special interests ahead of everything. Well, everything except special interests with bigger bank accounts."

Nutrition advocate Margo Wootan of the Center for Science in the Public Interest said “They are making sure that two of the biggest problems in the school lunch program, pizza and french fries, are untouched.”

"That's not true at all," said a republican member of the Agriculture committee who Tweeted his comments from the drive through at Wendy's. "It's not about leaving pizza and fries untouched. It's about making sure none of those nancy-boy dishes get in. Parents! Do you really want your kid eating a salad for lunch? A salad! No wonder there's bullying in school."

A group of retired generals advocating for healthier school lunches also criticized the spending bill. The group, called Mission: Readiness, has called poor nutrition in school lunches a national security issue because obesity is the leading medical disqualifier for military service.

"Oh I hear that,"  said presidential candidate Newt Gingrich. Do you know how hard it was for me to get out of serving in Viet Nam? If all I had to do was be fat it would have made things a whole lot easier."

“This agreement ensures that nutrient-rich vegetables such as potatoes, corn and peas will remain part of a balanced, healthy diet in federally funded school meals and recognizes the significant amounts of potassium, fiber and vitamins A and C provided by tomato paste, ensuring that students may continue to enjoy healthy meals such as pizza and pasta,” said Kraig Naasz, president of the American Frozen Food Institute.

"And not only that, but when you take into account the fat, the salt, the empty calories, the sugar, well, you're looking at solving the social security funding crisis because most of these kids will be long dead before they get to 65. Win win, no?" Naasz added.

*Oh yes we do.

Friday Hound Blogging

Whoa! Friday again already? Man, that time change stuff is BRUTAL!  Fall back, spring forward, daylight savings, standard time, no more GMT, whatever whatever whatever. We'd just as soon stay in bed until you folks get it all straightened out. Or summer. Summer is good. Is it true that they just turn off their clocks in Alaska this time of year?

Well, no matter. It seems that even though approximately 162 hours have slipped by us--through no fault of the good folks at Moscow State Wine Warehouse No. 1, or as we like to call them, Столичная  we hasten to add--it seems the overlords barely noticed America's biannual chronological hiccup.

The Daytona Beach Kennel Club and Poker Room has halted the use of a termite pesticide on its dogs.

Um...excuse us, we must be a bit fuzzy from the recently concluded temporal shift. It sounded like you just said you've halted the use of a termite pesticide on your dogs.

The chapter used a solution of equal parts Termidor, alcohol and water on the coats of the club's dogs as a flea and tick repellent, Donnellon said. Dan Francati, general manager of the Kennel Club and Poker Room, confirmed using the solution.

 "Look, the kennels are infested with termites and the dogs are infested with fleas and ticks," Francati told reporters. "Potato, potahto, that's all. Besides, Termidor is one of the safest insecticides you can have. Well, except for the whole thyroid cancer thing. Do greyhounds even have thyroids?"

Patrick Donnellon, a former three-year employee of the club's Greyhound Pets of America chapter, filed complaints against the club after he said he was fired in September for objecting to the use of Termidor, a termite insecticide, on retired racing dogs' backs.

"Fired is such a negative word," Francati said. "We prefer to think of it as separated for differences in training philosophies. I mean, the dogs are only useful for a couple of years at best. Any health issues caused by dousing them in termite insecticide probably aren't going to show up until way after we're done with them."

Sterling Ivey, a spokesman with the Department of Agriculture, said Termidor is not authorized for use on animals and its use would represent a violation of pesticide-use laws. "Applicators do not have the latitude to take a product labeled and registered for one use and mix it for an unlabeled use, even if the active ingredient is the same," Ivey said in an email. "Products are registered as a formulation, with inert ingredients that may change the behavior of the product when not used as intended."

"Hey. What do you want from me?" Francati said. "It took me three years to get out of tenth grade fer chrissakes. Does that sound like chemistry major material to you?"

 Well, can't argue with the man there, huh KB?

KB is a laid-back handsome boy who is very curious about everything that is going on. You know for sure that he is excited or happy when his right ear sticks up and tips back. KB’s friendly and will come up and lean on his foster parents as well as the other dogs. While looking for attention, he will put his nose in your face. This boy loves food! If someone is in the kitchen, he will follow in the hope of getting some tasty morsels. He would do fine as an only dog in a working family. KB would do fine in a home with children over 10. He has not had any exposure to younger children but would probably be fine depending on their maturity level. Does fine in his crate. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.