And Not Only That, They Had The Nerve To Offer Me Domestic Wine With Dinner

We're coming to you today from the Cry Me A River Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The CMARD is a division of the I Complained I Had No Amedeo Testonis Until I Saw A Man Driving Last Year's Mercedes Corporation in partnership with Is Your House In The Hamptons A Refrigerator Box? Inc.

It seems the patter of the great unwashed has gotten loud enough to be heard over the clink of Swarovski crystal in the club dining room and the patrons are most annoyed.

Jamie Dimon, the highest-paid chief executive officer among the heads of the six biggest U.S. banks, turned a question at an investors’ conference in New York this month into an occasion to defend wealth. “Acting like everyone who’s been successful is bad and because you’re rich you’re bad, I don’t understand it,” the JPMorgan Chase & Co. (JPM) CEO told an audience member who asked about hostility toward bankers. “Sometimes there’s a bad apple, yet we denigrate the whole.”

Ah, the classic "bad apple" defense. We've seen this before. Curious how that aforementioned mysterious "bad apple" always seems to be somewhere else and further, how the innocent victim of said "bad apple's" evil deeds has no idea where, or even who this alleged apple is, and thus must suffer the slings and arrows of misplaced fury. It's as if making $23 million a year is small recompense for the pain and suffering you endure when the corporate jet is in for maintenance and you can't make the opening match at the Australian Open this year. Oh by the way Mr. Dimon, if you ever do find an apple, bad or otherwise, we know about 16 million children who'd like a bite.

If successful businesspeople don’t go public to share their stories and talk about their troubles, “they deserve what they’re going to get,” said Home Depot Inc. (HD) co-founder Bernard Marcus, 82, a founding member of Job Creators Alliance, a Dallas-based nonprofit that develops talking points and op-ed pieces aimed at “shaping the national agenda,” according to the group’s website. He said he isn’t worried that speaking out might make him a target of protesters.
“Who gives a crap about some imbecile?” Marcus said. “Are you kidding me?”

Well said sir. Just one question: When you interviewed the 13.3 million people without jobs, the 3.5 million people who experience homelessness every year, and the 150 million people who are poor or low income, how did you know you'd finally found the one who was an imbecile?

The organization assisted John A. Allison IV, a director of BB&T Corp. (BBT), the ninth-largest U.S. bank, and Staples Inc. co- founder Thomas Stemberg with media appearances this month. “It still feels lonely, but the chorus is definitely increased,” Allison, 63, a former CEO of the Winston-Salem, North Carolina-based bank...

Oh we feel your pain there Johnny. Sort of like those latch key kids who come home to an empty house because their parents are working two or three minimum wage jobs. Oh wait, you have a household staff paid to listen to you if you get bored in the game room. Never mind.

At a lunch in New York, Stemberg and Allison shared their disdain for Section 953(b) of the Dodd-Frank Act, which requires public companies to disclose the ratio between the compensation of their CEOs and employee medians, according to Allison. The rule, still being fine-tuned by the Securities and Exchange Commission, is “incredibly wasteful” because it takes up time and resources, he said.

Can't argue with you there. We mean, the number of people you have to hire to make those numbers look less obscene, and then try to make it sound like you're really worth that much when your company is tanking, well, that's got to eat up something like 0.025% of your bonus or something right?

“Instead of an attack on the 1 percent, let’s call it an attack on the very productive,” Allison said. “This attack is destructive.”

 Oops, sorry Mr. Allison sir. We didn't realize CEO's were the only employees at their corporations. Our bad.

Asked if he were willing to pay more taxes in a Nov. 30 interview with Bloomberg Television, Blackstone Group LP (BX) CEO Stephen Schwarzman spoke about lower-income U.S. families who pay no income tax. “You have to have skin in the game,” said Schwarzman, 64. “I’m not saying how much people should do. But we should all be part of the system.”

Ah, we think we can help you here Mr. Schwarzman. See, income tax is about income and the less income you have, the less tax you pay until you finally get to a point where the government says, "dude, your income is so small why don't you just forget about the tax and go buy an extra can of beans or something?"

Oh, and one other thing, Mr. Schwarzman. That whole poor pay no income taxes thing? That's a dodge created by rich douche bags like you to divert the issue from the fact that most of your income comes from capital gains and doesn't come from doing an honest day's work anyway, plus you can afford a battalion of lawyers and tax accountants to make sure you pay as little as possible, bless your little black heart.

Some of Schwarzman’s capital gains at Blackstone, the world’s largest private-equity firm, are taxed at 15 percent, not the 35 percent top marginal income-tax rate.

 Word.

Attacking the banking system is a mistake because it contributes to “a healthier economy,” he said in the interview.

Dude. Look around you. Is this what you call health? Oh wait, you were talking about your economy. Sorry, we misunderstood.

“If I hear a politician use the term ‘paying your fair share’ one more time, I’m going to vomit,” said Tom Golisano, billionaire founder of payroll processer Paychex Inc., who turned 70 last month, celebrating the birthday with girlfriend Monica Seles, the former tennis star who won nine Grand Slam singles titles.

Well, hope you didn't get any on Monica's shoes. On the bright side, at least you have something in your stomach to throw up. Some folks aren't so lucky.