Wednesday, June 15, 2011

God! Motto: Nothing Up My Sleeve

Here's the thing about god--dude's got some major league communication issues. And yes, god's a dude, OK? We grew up in the church catholic so god's a dude 'cause pope's a dude, cardinal's a dude, bishop's a dude, local priest's a dude. Dudes, dudes, dudes just like the bible says it's supposed to be so just take your Mary Magdalene is the bomb, women should be priests, Gaia loving self over there in the corner and practice your husband  submitting skills or something.

Now, where were we? Oh yeah, god has trouble expressing himself, particularly his feelings, which is another reason we know he's a dude. All through the ages folks have been trying to figure out what god wanted, whose side he was on and would he want them to buy the Vette or the Mustang. And all through history god's been about as clear as Sarah Palin explaining nuclear energy when it came to figuring out what he wanted.

Take the Crusades for example. Pope Urban II was so sure god was telling him to get up a posse and go kick some Muslim booty he told everyone who went that they would receive a get out of hell free card direct from the Big G. And what did the christians get for crusading NINE FREAKIN' TIMES? Bupkus.

We interrupt this blog for the obligatory Hitler comment:

The motto of the German Army in WW II was Gott Mit Uns, which means god with us. Hey Adolf, somebody's not listening.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog already in progress:

So anyway the point is now we've got three people running to replace the Keyan Usurper who all say god is telling them to run.
After a thorough investigation, Daily Intel has discovered that God is separately backing at least three different contenders for the Republican presidential nomination. Over the course of the past few months and even years, God has sent signs and direct messages to each of these candidates encouraging them to run, presumably without telling them that he supports other candidates as well.
That god, he's such a scamp! You know he's just messing with two of these folks' heads, right? Wrong. See, god's not just emotionally closed off, he has commitment issues too. We mean, in the old testament he's all like Jews ma dawgs! Then in the new testament comes along and he's all like I was catholic when Moses was in kindergarten. Then he's like speaking Latin is really boring, I'm gonna create Lutherans, then Methodists, then Baptists, then Unitarians, then Seventh Day Adventists (that was after a party at Peter's house. Talk about turning water into wine, Whoa!) and on, and on, and on.

Dude. Make up your mind, OK?

So, this is probably all pretty confusing to you right about now just as it is for the Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, and Herman Cain. Therefore, as a public service, we here in the marbled halls of IM Central, as former bad catholics who have since fallen away completely are going to use our Madd God Divinin' Skillz to clear it all up. And we'll even do it in English, instead of god's native language, Latin (Hui Excrementum! Denuone Latine loquebar?)We are professionals. Do not try this at home.

First of all, Michele Bachmann. Sorry dear. Do you really think god would ask a women? Have you paid attention to 2000 years of chrisitan history at all? We got to tell you honey, god's not even happy you're out of the house. And we don't mean the House either. Titus 2: 3-4 baby. Titus 2: 3-4. Word to the wise.

Herman Cain, seriously? You think god wants to replace one black dude with another, blacker dude? You been watching too much Creflo Dollar man. We mean, have you seen Jesus at all? God's son?

See, it's the blue eyes man, that's how they knew he was god's son, what with no one else around there being Caucasian and all. Tough luck Herm.

That leaves Rick Santorum and you're thinking gotta be him right? Nope. This is where our advanced training in Sister Victorine's (of the Sisters of Perpetual Detention) seventh grade catechism class comes in. She taught us that god's all about misdirection. He's all about coming at you sideways. OK, she didn't teach us that, but that's what we learned. He says you're his chosen people and the next thing you know the Romans are wearing your fanny for a hat. He says he's done with the Jews and he's building a whole new church so come on down and the next thing you know you're the guest of honor at a buffet for lions. He says tell everybody else to sell all their stuff because the world's ending May 21st and all you get for being god's advance man is a lousy stroke. 

You get the picture.

So about all we can tell from this is that these are the three people god doesn't want to run for president, but they're going to run anyway and just like the Jews, the chrstians and the crusaders it's going to be painful to watch and ultimately futile.

1 comment:

Seeing Eye Chick said...

I can only hope.