Gloxor, Is There Still Time To Kidnap The Black One?

Somewhere in Galaxy X the Giant Crab Monsters are crying. Well, we're not exactly sure Giant Crab monsters cry, and come to think of it, crying is probably a pretty inappropriate thing for any monster to do, but in any event, we're convinced that if it is possible for Giant Crab Monsters to show sadness, they're showing it today, because their evil plan to take over the world has failed.

Mitt The Galaxy Xian Candidate has quit the race for president.

And why, you cry out. Why? Why? OK, maybe you don't "cry out." Maybe you whimper a little, or maybe you say "What's for dinner?" But in any case, there must be a reason. Was it because Mitt had both positions on every issue? Was it because of his unique position on animal control? His Moronism...er...Mormanism? Or was it just because no one voted for him? Tell us, Mr. Romney. Tell us why your sons will have to work for a living now.

"If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror."

Oh yes! We see! we see! If you keep campaigning the terrorists win! It's so simple, so clear to us now. Just like Satan's little brother did, you are sacrificing yourself for us! Top that Huckabeez!!

But surely, just as Jesus had his moment of doubt in the Garden, this must have been a difficult decision for you.

"This is not an easy decision for me. I hate to lose. My family, my friends and our supporters ... many of you right here in this room ... have given a great deal to get me where I have a shot at becoming president. If this were only about me, I would go on. But I entered this race because I love America," Romney said.

Oh sob! You break our hearts. And also make us wonder how your head doesn't explode. Now we learn what a patriot you are. Now that it is too late and we have lost you to the ages, or more likely the speaking circuit and wingnut welfare, but why quibble at a time of national sorrow and loss?

"As of today, more than 4 million people have given one of my personalities their vote for president, that's of course, less than Senator moccasin's 4.7 million, but quite a statement nonetheless.

Excuse us, senator moccasin? Hmmm...with support like that, maybe he's better off on his own.

Romney Beats Huckabee in NH. Oh, There's Some Old Guy Too

OK, so the citzens have had two chances to make a choice* and twice Mitt has lost...er...excuse us...twice he's been the first runner up winner. Last week Iowans thought a guy who believes Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs was better suited to be president than he was, and yesterday the voters of New Hampshire picked the last remaining Civil War veteran as their choice over him.

People, people, people. Let's get with the program here. Mitt's spending so much money on this campaign he has to win if for no other reason than by November he'll be totally broke and probably need a place to live. It's the duty of every upright American citizen to vote for him. Also, he's had every opinion that every upright American citizen has had, so there must be something you and Mitt agree on.

Romney's team downplayed the loss and the former Massachusetts governor forecasted later victories would still bring him the GOP nomination. "Look, he's white, rich, male and he tells you what you want to hear. When are you going to realize that's all there is to a republican candidate?" a Romney aide asked reporters.

After back-to-back second-place showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Romney's campaign will move to Michigan next week to try and purchase a much-needed victory. "We figure if worse comes to worst, Utah will be a turnaround state for us," said a campaign aide. "Unless that Huckabee guy converts."

"It'll be much more difficult to come back from two defeats in two states he should have won by any measure," says Costos Panagopoulos, director of the Fordham College Center for Electoral Politics and Democracy in New York City. "Romney needs a win to validate his campaign efforts, his huge on-the-ground structure, his millions spent in ads," Panagopoulos said. "Of course having a position and keeping it for more than twenty minutes would probably help too."

Second place might not be good enough in the eyes of the news media, either, and Romney could be painted as on the way out, said Rich Hanley, director of graduate journalism programs at Quinnipiac University in Connecticut. "Plus, as we all know, the next president will really be chosen by Chris Matthews."

Kirk Jowers, a Romney supporter and friend and head of the University of Utah's Hinckley Institute of Politics, says the loss puts a lot of pressure on the campaign to take Michigan's primary. But, he adds, "On the positive side, Romney has the best organization throughout the states. He has the most money and the most comprehensive battle plan to win. On the negative side, he has no positions, no platform and no beliefs, so it's just about a wash."

"Romney is the one candidate who has not put all of his chips on one state," Jowers said. The fact he is willing to compete in every state makes him far less vulnerable than the media would like to portray. Of course the fact that only people who don't watch the news vote for him is a bit of a drawback, but I'm sure the Romney campaign is working on that."

*We don't count Wyoming because only 12 people showed up and eight of them were drunk.

Hi, I'm Mitt Romney. What Do You Want To Hear?

We're coming to you from the Free Advice wing in the marbled halls of IM Central. The Free Advice wing is right off the Talk To The Hand promenade, which is across from the Department of Who Asked You?

Today we'd like to speak to those of you in the Romney campaign. It has come to our attention that your candidate is suffering from a bit of a decline in popularity despite the fact that he's on all sides of every issue, so that he like, totally can't make anyone mad. OK, it's true your candidate did score a first last week, becoming the first person in either party to receive an undorsement, but before you get too cocky, we have to tell you this isn't the momentum builder you think it is. See, what you're looking for is a more traditional response to your campaign. A response that points out the benefits of electing your man president, something that plays up your man's positives, something from a well respected, perhaps conservative leaning newspaper. Something like this:

There is a reason Mitt Romney has not received a single newspaper endorsement in New Hampshire. It's the same reason his poll numbers are dropping. He has not been able to convince the people of this state that he's the conservative he says he is.

Umm...OK, bad example, but never mind. We're going to help you overcome the fact that people are somewhat suspicious of your man. Well, the ones with IQ's above mushrooms that is.

Eds. Note: In all fairness we have to say we're talking about the common button mushroom here, and not the more intellectual Shittake which, as everyone knows are the Einsteins of the mushroom world.

First there's that name thing. What does Mitt stand for? Now, we know the reason he's Mitt is because his real name is Willard, which, if anything is worse, but what does it say about a man who abandons a clearly underperforming name like Willard...but then picks Mitt? That's the kind of guy that will abandon a group of people he previously supported so that he can associate himself with another group of people he wants to impress. Kind of like Barbara Binder did to us the second she found out Leslie had broken up with Jim Chase. Oh, sure he was on the football team and all, but we were just two matches away from qualifying for the state chess tournament, and did that make any difference? Oh no, not a bit. In fact...well, long story with a sad ending, so let's get back to Mitt.

We suggest at the first appropriate time you start calling him Doogie. Now this may seem strange at first, but think about it. Doogie is not someone you would expect to hold strong views, right? Doogie is a sort of go along to get along kind of name and that fits your candidate's views almost perfectly, right? We mean, look at the record. When Romney was governor of Massachusetts and the people who voted for him were pro-choice, so was he. Then he started hanging around with a different crowd who weren't pro-choice and presto changeo, neither was he.

Now, that wouldn't be so surprising if his name was Doogie. You sort of expect something like that from a guy named Doogie. A guy named Doogie probably doesn't have that many opinions anyway, again, a perfect match for your guy. Plus, people can't get upset at a guy named Doogie. Even when he says some totally bizarre stuff like Jesus is Satan's brother, people just smile and go, Oh that Doogie, he's such a card.

Look, just try it out for a while and if he doesn't like it he can change back. Heck, he's changed everything else about himself, why not his name too?

Oh, And That Tom Tancredo Guy? Kills 'Em At Mis Quince

We're going to stop reading MSM treeware when we're sober. At least after an infusion of Stoli we can convince ourselves that the prose puddle of horse pee we're wading through is the product of our own over lubricated imagination and not the unintended comic stylings of some...erm...professional journalist.

Exhibit A, the opening line: "Mitt Romney tells good jokes."

Well shoot, let's just cancel the election and put that jocular jokester in the White House right now. What the heck, a stand up comic replaces a clown. What can go wrong?

Oh wait, our intrepid interlocutor is not knocked askew by the Mittster's folksy charm:

His platform seemed sound enough analytically – until he demonstrated an aggravating hypocrisy in his reply to my query on one of his key foreign policy positions.

Dad gum that pesky hyprocrisy always getting in the way of sound platforms. On the flip side though, how would we get a Muslim in government now that we've ticked off practically every Muslim there is. Can you imagine that job interview. "OK Mr. Abdul, we're going to ask you a few questions, but no you don't have to be tied up and wear a hood."

I asked Mr. Romney whether he would consider including qualified Americans of the Islamic faith in his cabinet as advisers on national security matters, given his position that "jihadism" is the principal foreign policy threat facing America today. He answered, "…I cannot see that a cabinet position would be justified. But of course, I would imagine that Muslims could serve at lower levels of my administration. Hey, somebody's got to refresh my coffee at Cabinet meetings."

Um...was that one of the "good jokes?" Just asking.

Romney, whose Mormon faith has become the subject of heated debate in Republican caucuses, wants America to be blind to his religious beliefs and judge him on merit instead. Yet he seems to accept excluding Muslims because of their religion.

So? Mormons may do some weird things like strapping their dogs to the tops of their cars, or changing their minds every fifteen seconds, but at least it's a white religion. Them Muslims is brown, man. You hear us? Brown.

I am an American-born citizen of the Islamic faith. I stand as a living symbol of all that America offers in its system of liberty, justice, and, most of all, opportunity. I am also proud of my Muslim heritage and beliefs, and, true to the American work ethic, I have worked tirelessly to raise up the voices of disaffected Muslims everywhere and help them, too, share in America's promise.

Oh. Hey listen guy, no offense. Wait a minute, didn't you say you thought Romney's policies were sound?

If Romney wins the White House, he will probably rely on those who know Mormonism best to help him explain it to those who distrust it most. It is time for him to reconsider his views on who should help America craft the right policies that attack the scourge on civilization that Islamic extremism has become.

Meh. We're not so sure. There's just as good a chance if Romney gets elected we'll all be forced to marry six times and our pets will be not be allowed to ride on the inside of our cars. Oh, and there's the underwear thing, well for those of us who wear underwear anyway.

Imagine how a qualified American Muslim FBI director, sensitized to the genuine concerns among Arab and Muslim communities about civil rights violations, would be able to ensure that FBI actions and policies target the real bad guys, not communities as a whole.

Imagine how a qualified American Muslim FBI director would get shot the first time he tried to come into the White House for a meeting.

Imagine how an American Muslim CIA director or defense secretary whose understanding of cultural differences in places that breed Islamist violence would ensure that intelligence was not biased by bigotry or lack of understanding and that defense strategies were constructed on data acquired from authentic sources.

Imagine how an American Muslim CIA director or defense secretary would feel when they showed up for their confirmation hearings and were strip searched.

Romney and other candidates for the presidency from both political parties, should actively begin searching for American Muslims and Arab Americans who can serve in primary decision making cabinet level posts. To do otherwise is to risk promulgating policies that once again put the US straight in the sights of the terrorists who seek to bring America down.

Oh, wait. We think we see your problem. You think the republicans don't want the policies they have now.

Hi, I'm Mitt Romney. Unless You Want Me To Be Someone Else

Hey, guess what. Republicans are still running for president. We thought after all Bush had done for the party they were going to sit this one out and hope people stopped hating them by 2012. Well, that and most of the party would start getting out of jail around then.

But it looks like we were mistaken because they had a debate, or a prayer breakfast or whatever the other day and talked about how something something is like something more and something else isn't and anyway vote for me because I hate George Bush, but I voted for the war which isn't like, a contradiction at all unless you stop to think about it, and hey, I'm not in jail or under investigation. Plus I'm holier than the rest of this bunch.

Good thing Fred Thompson wasn't there. He could have put them all in their places because didn't he play a minister or something once? Maybe that was Newt Gingrich. No, he's the Scientologist. Wait, who's the Moron...er...Morman? That's Brownback, right? No, he's the Papist. Oh, it's Romney, the animal rights activist. OK, now that we got the important stuff figured out, let's see what Romney's positions are.

The former Massachusetts governor was asked to grade himself as a conservative on a scale of one to 10 if Reagan were a 10. "Probably a 10 as well," Romney said. "Wait. Is being like Reagan an good thing? If not then I'm a one. A minus one even."

Romney ran as a moderate in his failed 1994 bid to unseat Sen. Edward M. Kennedy and in his winning gubernatorial campaign eight years later. In a 1994 debate with Kennedy, Romney defended a woman's right to abortion and sought to distance himself from Reagan. "Was that not a good thing?" Romney asked. Because if it wasn't I probably don't believe that today." Romney had an aide bring out his policy notebooks and after a few moments of searching announced he was planning on adopting several "snowflake children" if elected.

My positions don't talk about the things you suggest they talk about; this isn't a political issue," Romney said at the debate. When asked to explain what he meant by that, Romney referred reporters to his director of communication Mushmouth.

Mitt Romney: Dog Lover

Regular readers of this blog probably need more to do...er...know that here in the marbled halls of IM Central we are big fans of canis familiaris. Specifically, the companion of gods and goddesses, but in truth, we're equal opportunity ear scratchers. So you might imagine our reaction whilst perusing yet another "in depth" press release about presidential candidates, in this case Mitt (tell me what you want to hear) Romney, we ran across this:

Before beginning the drive, Mitt Romney put Seamus, the family's hulking Irish setter, in a dog carrier and attached it to the station wagon's roof rack. He'd built a windshield for the carrier, to make the ride more comfortable for the dog.

See, this is why we drink. People who are this clueless about living beings who are not them should not be allowed out without adult supervision. And by adult supervision we mean anyone capable of tying their own shoes.

Well, as you might imagine, Mitt's excellent adventure didn't turn out so well:

As the oldest son, Tagg Romney commandeered the way-back of the wagon, keeping his eyes fixed out the rear window, where he glimpsed the first sign of trouble. ''Dad!'' he yelled. ''Gross!'' A brown liquid was dripping down the back window, payback from an Irish setter who'd been riding on the roof in the wind for hours.

First of all, who names their kid Tagg? What are the other kids' names? Dodgeball and Hopscotch? Whatever. OK, so here's the Romney clan, merrily motoring down the highway with a dog strapped to the roof of the car so traumatized he has lost control of his bowels. Now, you would think that diarrhea might be a clue for Mr. Mitt that he may have misread the situation vis-a-vis canine travel arrangements. Alas, no, but our humble scribe now steps in to provide the verbiage that explains this little foray into the Mittster's character:

As the rest of the boys joined in the howls of disgust, Romney coolly pulled off the highway and into a service station. There, he borrowed a hose, washed down Seamus and the car, then hopped back onto the highway. It was a tiny preview of a trait he would grow famous for in business: emotion-free crisis management.

"Emotion-free crisis management." In other words, the guy has all the compassion of a box of rocks. But that's not the scary part.

Starting with probably a criminal lack of common sense, Mitty concocted this plan to lash the family pet to the outside of the car, alone, where the noise of the wind, and traffic could proceed to practically scare him to death. Then, faced with he fact that his plan was not proceeding according to his original intent, what did he do? Hosed the dog off, threw him back in the crate and headed off down the highway with a song in his heart and buzzing in his head. In other words, when faced with the need to go to plan B, he chose to stay the course.

Sound familiar?

We're Still $40,000 From Our Goal. Don't Make Us Hurt The Kids

Generally we try not to spend too much time actually reading the stuff we write about. We find the less we know about a particular story, the better able we are to cast it in a useful and productive light for our burgeoning readership (Hi Mom! Hi Aunt Pat!). It is much easier and more efficient to unleash our formidable powers of analysis if we remain fact free. We call this the Bill O'Reilly corollary to the Fox News approach.

Still, we occasionally run across a lede that is so compelling, so provocative, so bizarre that we find ourselves compelled to read beyond the first line our two. A lede like this:

Former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney (R) has collected hundreds of thousands of dollars through the fundraising efforts of a supporter targeted by several lawsuits alleging child abuse. "We should make very clear that the money was not collected from the children," said an aide to Romney. "They were abused for marketing purposes only."

133 plaintiffs have alleged that Robert Lichfield, co-chairman of Romney’s Utah finance committee owned or operated residential boarding schools for troubled teenagers where students were “subjected to physical abuse, emotional abuse and sexual abuse, and having to listen to Rommney's stump speeches.”

Sure, but I need to reiterate again that we never asked them for money," said the aide.

“Mr. Lichfield is one of 6 Co-Chairmen of our Utah finance team,” said Romney spokeswoman Gail Gitcho in a statement. “He has donated to numerous Republican candidates and committees. The Romney campaign will continue its policy to make our fundraising efforts as effective as possible. You'd be surprised how bringing a couple of kids with black eyes, or bruises in to a room full of potential donors can loosen wallets up. Particularly if the doors are locked.”

Lichfield did not respond to requests for comment made through the World Wide Association of Specialty Programs and Schools (WWASPS). WWASPS is his co-defendant in several lawsuits and Lichfield sits on its board of directors."You remember the Board of directors, don't you?" asked an aide to Litchfield. "Or maybe at your school it was the Board of education. Very motivating if you get my drift."

The president of WWASPS, Ken Kay, said the lawsuits are a ploy to get money and dismissed the credibility of former students making allegations. “Most of them are ludicrous,” Kay said of the claims made against his organization and the boarding schools. “A certain percentage of the kids [who participate] are never going to be happy. They weren’t happy with public schools, they weren’t happy with law enforcement, and they have a long history of lying, fabricating and twisting the story around to their own benefit. It's like they're troubled or something. I don't know what they expect from us."

Former students allege they were transported against their will — sometimes in handcuffs — by operators such as Clean and Sober Solutions and Teen Escort Services to far-away locations. Once at the boarding schools, they say they were subject to harsh treatment. Some students say they never attended classes and simply received Romney position statements to read on their own without supervision. Others allege that staff at the schools threatened them with cattle prods and punished them severely when they pointed up Romney flip flops. Several students alleged in legal complaints that they were forced to lie face down on the floor for hours at a time, forbidden from moving their arms or legs until they could recite current Romney positions on abortion, stem cell research and gay marriage. "We pride ourselves on using best practice techniques," Kay said.

Kay said WWASPS worked only with the schools and never had direct contact with the students. "The schools sent in their dues, we sent them membership cards. We're an oversight organization. Heck we didn't even know they had students until a couple of months ago."

I'm Mitt Romney. No He's Not. I Am

OK, we think we have it figured out. See, the real Mitt Romney was kidnapped by aliens and replaced with an android. The idea was he would get elected president, and get all our defense codes so when our planet was attacked by the Giant Crab Monsters of Galaxy X we would be defenseless. Either them or Michael Moore.

At any rate something went wrong with the programming of Mitt2D2 who is now taking the exact opposite positions that the real Mitt Romney has. Check it out:

Real Romney loves him Teh Gay. Evil android Romney, not so much.

Real Romney says stem cells mean we all live forevah! Evil android Romney, let my snowflake children go.

Real Romney says Teh womens can have their own bodies. Evil android Romney says "Submit Biotch!"

Real Romney says he tight wi da lord and so his posse. Evil Romney says, What. Ever.

Real Romney says, "Can't we all just get along?" Evil Romney says, "I'm 'bout ready to bus a cap on yo' skinny rabbit behind."

Well, it's obvious some serious rebooting is needed here, but is it too late? Have too many people caught on to the plot? What to do, what to do. Wait! The Neuralyzer! Somebody get Will Smith on the phone.