Why Do You Think They Call It A Scape GOAT?*

Whoa doggies, this can't be good. Old Ned has set up shop right across the street from his popiness. Man. Talk about there goes the neighborhood. This give a whole new meaning to Crips and Bloods, Jets and Sharks, Capulets and Montagues, Yanks and Red Sox, filtered and non-filtered, for here and to go, AM and FM, regular and super-size, Star Wars and Star Trek, WWE and TNA, Laurel and Hardy, Tom and Jerry, regular and deep dish...

OK, we've lost our train of thought. Help us out here Father Gabriele Amorth:

Sex abuse scandals in the Roman Catholic Church are proof that that "the Devil is at work inside the Vatican", according to the Holy See's chief exorcist.

Holy deep cover mole Batman! How can this be? Isn't Beelzebub, like unable to tolerate holy water, or incense, or people with good fashion sense, or something? How'd he get past the  nuns? We could never get anything past the nuns.

"When one speaks of 'the smoke of Satan' [a phrase coined by Pope Paul VI in 1972] in the holy rooms, it is all true – including these latest stories of violence and paedophilia."Amroth said.

Wait. The devil smokes cigars? So that's why we could never kill Fidel.

He claimed that another example of satanic behaviour was the Vatican "cover-up" over the deaths in 1998 of Alois Estermann, the then commander of the Swiss Guard, his wife and Corporal Cedric Tornay, a Swiss Guard, who were all found shot dead. "They covered up everything immediately," he said. "Here one sees the rot".

Come on, a gun? We have to tell you that seems a little mundane. Really, we're dealing with Lucifer here, Prince of Darkness and all that. Look what he did to Kevin Lomax's wife and she just wanted to move back to Florida, or all that John Constantine had to put up with and he was just dealing with the help. A gun just seems so bush league for  a guy who can end the whole world by just hunting up a little nookie.

Father Amorth said that the attempt on the life of Pope John Paul II in 1981 had been the work of the Devil, as had an incident last Christmas when a mentally disturbed woman threw herself at Pope Benedict XVI at the start of Midnight Mass, pulling him to the ground.

Yeah, we got to tell you padre that's just not making it for us. We mean come on, this guy has access to all the minions of hell and you're telling us the best he could come up with was some old drunk with a .22 and a lady who was possessed and still had to try twice to jump a pew?

Father Amorth told La Repubblica that the devil was "pure spirit, invisible. But he manifests himself with blasphemies and afflictions in the person he possesses. He can remain hidden, or speak in different languages, transform himself or appear to be agreeable. At times he makes fun of me."

OK let's see if we got this straight. You're like Bret Hart and the devil is Shawn Michaels. You're Steve Austin to his Mr. McMahon. How many times in your career have you delivered the  vatican stunner to old  belial? Hundreds? Thousands? And you're telling us the way he gets back at you is by calling you a poopy head?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Just a dang dong minute there your slipperiness. We see what's going on here. Old hob isn't using you, you're using him. We should have seen this coming:



So when the next little choirboy that gets invited back to the sacristy for some personal ministry by father Gropie McSweatypants, don't ask why churches seem to attract the pervs because it may not be pervs at all. It could be...SATAN!

*scapegoat