If We Could Find A Homosexual Jew Possessed By The Devil We Could Put This All Behind Us

We're coming to you today from the Evildoer Du Jour Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The EDJ Department is part of the Pass The Buck Company, a wholly owned subsidiary of Kill The Messenger, LLC.

A while back we told you that one Father Amorth--who just happens to be the Benedicto's Chief Satan Stomper--had figured out that the reason all the little choir boys kept getting doinked by the cassock wearing set was because Old Ned had developed some sort of Special Ops unit and had successfully infiltrated the popster's headquarters, which we can totally believe because with all the robes and funny hats running around there, hiding your horns and tail would be a piece of cake.

Now, truth be told, we weren't quite sure how having a double agent running the Department of Incense Quality in Rome would cause priests to want to share the holy rod the youngsters in, say Milwaukee, but we had to admit that Father A probably knew more about how Lucifer's mind worked than we did so we were willing to go along with his explanation.

Turns out we should have trusted our first instinct because, upon further examination, it seems the good padre's conclusion might have been a bit premature.

A website quoted Giacomo Babini, the emeritus bishop of Grosseto, as saying he believed a "Zionist attack" was behind the criticism, considering how "powerful and refined" the criticism is. "It just makes sense if you think about it," Babini told reporters. "It's no secret the Jews never liked Christ, plus we totally rule at Christmas. I mean, dreidels? Come on."

Well, that is a point your bishopness. It wasn't like the Jews were ever consulted on this whole savior thing.We mean, he was god for chrissakes, he could have been born anywhere, even Scranton, plus it's got to be a bit upsetting when your holiday gives you Pitcha and wooden toys while your neighbors are up to their ears in spiked egg nog and tickle me Elmos. OK, so it looks like we've found our culprit, although how the vast Jewish conspiracy got those priests to baptize the buttocks of their pre-pubescent parishioners with the sacred sauce is still a bit fuzzy. Can you help us out Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, the Vatican's secretary of state?

The Vatican's second-highest authority says the sex scandals haunting the Roman Catholic Church are linked to homosexuality and not celibacy among priests. "Do you know what celibacy means?" Bertone asked. "It means no sex, which isn't a problem for someone as old as I am, but them homos, they're porking fools. I mean have you ever been to The Hanger?  There's more pickups in that room than a whole warehouse full of amphetamines. Not that I would have any first hand information about that sort of thing."

"Many psychologists and psychiatrists have demonstrated that there is no relation between celibacy and pedophilia. But many others have demonstrated, I have been told recently, that there is a relation between homosexuality and pedophilia. That is true," said Bertone. "That is the problem. Just ask Dr. Herek at UC Davis. Back me up here doc:"

Are homosexual adults in general sexually attracted to children and are preadolescent children at greater risk of molestation from homosexual adults than from heterosexual adults? There is no reason to believe so. The research to date all points to there being no significant relationship between a homosexual lifestyle and child molestation. There appears to be practically no reportage of sexual molestation of girls by lesbian adults, and the adult male who sexually molests young boys is not likely to be homosexual (Groth & Gary, 1982, p. 147).

 Oops. Heh. Looks like Dr. Herek might be a Lutheran or something. But let's cut to the chase here Padres. Let's quit beating around the bush. We all know where this is going. We all know where we're going to end up, so why not just get to the point and tell us why this is Obama's fault.