The Incredible Whiteness Of Being

We're coming to you today from the Don't Cry Until You're Hurt Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. DCUYH is a division of the How Many Of Your Relatives Were Slaves Company, in partnership with Call Me When They Lynch your Brother, Inc.

It seems that since the Nubian horde has taken over the White House--which we are obliged to tell you was named the White House by the founders for a reason--Sheikh Obama has had his boot on the neck of the melanin challenged races and now he's beginning to apply the full weight of his hatred for real Americans.



First they come for our tanning booths, then everyone who wants sun screen over SPF 10 will have to register with the government. And if you're thinking about trying to pass because you're a good tanner, forget it unless you plan to Jeri curl your hair and learn to speak Muslim.

These are truly desperate times for the Crackers and we don't just mean because they're Christians either. We need a Martin Luther King, a Mahatma Gandhi, a Cesar Chavez. We need Kirk D. Lyons.

A group of Confederate rights activists is urging southerners with Confederate ancestors to declare themselves "Confederate Southern Americans" on census forms in order to qualify for national origin protection under the 1964 Civil Rights Act. "Look, if the government can protect the snail darter it can protect the Bubbas too," Lyons said. "We're an endangered species, man. Them darkies is a marryin' our wimins and the kids are meeting up with all manner of riff raff on the You Tube." 

"Fill in 'Confed Southern Am.' ... This will put your Confederate nationality on the record. It's just that simple," SLRC Chief Trial Counsel and Grand Dragon Kirk D. Lyons says in a video posted on YouTube and  Facebook. "At first we were going to have them write in the whole thing, but all those letters confused the folks and they lost their train of thought." Lyons told reporters. "And I want to say again, it's Confed, not cornfed Southern Am. Race isn't about what you eat, it's about who you are, or in this case, who you ain't if you get my drift."

The group has defended teachers and other activists who have been fired or disciplined in other ways for bigotry, homophobia, gender discrimination or just generally being Neanderthal throwbacks to a time when human communicated in grunts.

"We can start the process to give the southern community here in America a voice again, so that our concerns will be heard, and so that we will stop being harassed and persecuted because we are overfed, undereducated cementheads with drinking problems and penis issues,"  Lyons said.

Right on brother Lyons! Or should we say White on! This is America and if you can't be an overfed, undereducated cementhead with drinking problems and penis issues here, where can you be one?

But that's not really our question. The Bubbas are being told not to fill out the census because it will put them on a list for the FEMA camps, but you're telling them to answer Confed Southern Am to the race question.  Now, we're not master strategists like you or anything, but it seems to us if you're going to establish yourselves as a separate race under the protection of the American government, you're going to have to fill out the form that will allow the American government to ship you off to Wangdangistan while all the dusky people drink your liquor and chase your women. How you planning to pull that off there, Mr. Confederate Southern American, sir?