Oh Ye Of Little Faith Vote For Me

Uh oh. Conservative Senator and Funny Mentalist Christian Rick Santorum is having his values challenged. Standing true to his beliefs may cost him his Senate seat. So what does Senator Fire and Brimstone say to the godless heathens nipping at his holy ankles? Perhaps I've been misunderstood.

Santorum, who has long been an instrument of God's will, is best known for his spit speckled opposition to gay marriage. But right now, he's behind in the polls to his likely Democratic challenger, state Treasurer Bob Casey Jr., an actual rational, thinking human being.

In public, Santorum is still accusing liberal judges of "destroying traditional morality," but just a few weeks ago, he canceled his membership in the group that helped defend the Dover School Board in its bid to teach intelligent design.

Asked if this constituted a flip flop Santorum replied that a flip flopping was "what democrats do. I have merely repurposed my former position in light of additional information."

When asked what that information was, Santorum pointed to a poll that showed him trailing Casey by 11 percentage points.

Diane Gramley, president of the American Family Association of Pennsylvania, issued a statement criticizing Santorum after he withdrew from the group that had argued for Intelligent Design in the Dover case. "This is a total revocation of everything we believe in," she said. "Santorum has irrevocably turned his back on God and God fearing citizens of Pennsylvania, indeed on the entire nation. He is clasped in the devil's bosom. He might as well be a liberal. Excuse my language."

Later, demonstrating that the hallmark of intense faith is expediency, Gramley admitted she would probably vote for Santorum in November. "The Bible says better the hypocrite you know than the hypocrite you don't know," she explained.

Echoing that philosophy, Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council, and Michael Geer, president of the conservative Pennsylvania Family Institute, brushed aside suggestions that Santorum withdrew to appeal to moderate voters.

"We need to get back to our country's traditions," said Perkins. "And Rick Santorum is the guy who can get us there." When asked what traditions he was referring to, Perkins said, "traditions, like when only white men who owned land could vote."

Elsewhere, Pat Roberstson held a news conference in which he declared that the recent flare-up of Senator Santorum's hemorrhoids was "divine retribution."