What If We Gave Them A Nice Car Magnet For Their Wheelchair?

OK, we think the pentagon's finally got it figured out. Everybody knows the Army has been having trouble finding people who think losing bodies parts is a good career move, so they've been offering to pay for just about anything you can think of if you'll just join the futility brigade. After all, how much is an arm, or a leg, or two legs worth anyway? We're talking bottom line market value here.

So, that's fine as far as it goes, but the problem is what do you do with those people once you give them the money and they go out and spend it on stuff like, oh we don't know, pants with two legs and shirts with two arms, then they go and get something blown off. Well, ponder no more fellow intact individuals, and members of the yellow elephants corps because your ever vigilant, fiscally responsible, cost effective pentagon has come up with the answer: You make them give the money back.

The U.S. Military is demanding that thousands of wounded service personnel give back signing bonuses because they are unable to serve out their commitments. "We believes that since these people went over to Iraq and got hurt in the first place, they should be responsible for some of their care," said a spokesperson for the pentagon Office of How Stupid Can We Be. Division of Pretty Dang Stupid.

Men and women who have lost arms, legs, eyesight, hearing and can no longer serve are being ordered to pay money back to the military. "It makes sense if you think about it," said an aide to secretary of defense Robert M. Gates. " I mean, if we get that money back from a vet that gets wounded and give it to an enlistee until he or she gets wounded, then get it back from him or her, factor out the people who get killed outright and pretty soon the bonus program is paying for itself. It's high powered financial planning. You wouldn't understand."

Jordan Fox, a young soldier from the South Hills was seriously injured when a roadside bomb blew up his vehicle. He was knocked unconscious. His back was injured and lost all vision in his right eye. He's being asked to return part of his $10,000 signing bonus.

"Hey, he's still got one good eye. He could be a crossing guard or something," said a pentagon representative who asked not to be named.

It's a slap for Fox's mother, Susan Wardezak, who met with President Bush in Pittsburgh last May. He thanked her for starting Operation Pittsburgh Pride which has sent approximately 4,000 care packages. "I should have known something was up when the president told me he thought Santa Claus was the one sending the packages," she said. "I just thought he was drunk."

Congressman Jason Altmire has proposed a bill that would guarantee soldiers receive full benefit of bonuses. "Look, the war is costing us trillions of dollars which we're borrowing, so it's not like real money or anything. What's a few more thousand lousy bucks, huh? Chump change."

Can You Lend Me Your Corporate Jet To Fly Out To Your Factory For A Suprise Inspection?

You know, it is getting to the point where government can't do anything without getting jumped on by some do gooder with an agenda. We mean, in these times of shrinking resources (except for the war) and the need not to tax rich people to pay for another war we should demand our government become more efficient at spending China's money on the war, but when they do, Wham! the media goes all Conflict of Interest on them.

The chief of the Consumer Product Safety Commission and her predecessor have taken dozens of trips at the expense of the toy, appliance and children's furniture industries and others they regulate.

Well, of course they did. Why should taxpayers pay for this when the companies themselves are willing to wine and dine the regulators on their dime? You invite us out to your place, we have a few drinks, maybe play a round of golf or two, and we look over your site. It's just good fiscal stewardship if you ask us.

The records document nearly 30 trips since 2002 by the agency's acting chairman, Nancy Nord, and the previous chairman, Hal Stratton, that were paid for in full or in part by trade associations or manufacturers of products ranging from space heaters to disinfectants. The airfares, hotels and meals totaled nearly $60,000, and the destinations included China, Spain,San Francisco, New Orleans and a golf resort on Hilton Head Island, S.C.

Hey, do you know how many people are injured each year by substandard golf balls? These people are putting themselves on the line for you, ingrates.

Notable among the trips -- commonly described by officials as "graft travel" -- was an 11-day visit to China and Hong Kong in 2004 by Stratton, then chairman. The $11,000 trip was paid for by the American Fireworks Standards Laboratory, an industry group based in a post office box in Bethesda whose only "laboratories" are in Asia. If by "laboratory" you mean private country club and casino.

Consumer groups and lawmakers intensified their criticism of the CPSC this summer after several highly publicized recalls of Chinese-made toys that contained hazardous levels of lead. "I feel pretty confident that there is no lead in Chinese fireworks coming into this country," Stratton said.

Government-wide travel regulations state that officials from agencies such as the CPSC should not accept money for travel from nonfederal sources if the payments "would cause a reasonable person . . . to question the integrity of agency programs or operations." When asked who the model of a "reasonable" person was, an aide to CPSC chief Nord replied the model had been developed "after consultation with Rick Santorum."

CPSC officials defend the industry-paid trips as a way for the agency to be in contact with manufacturing officials and hear their concerns. When asked how the agency kept up with consumer concerns, Nord looked puzzled, then said, "I'm sorry, who?"

"The mission of the agency and the benefits to consumer safety are two factors that are taken into consideration in approving gift travel," Commission spokeswoman Julie Vallese said. "Well, that and proximity to shopping and fine restaurants."

"This is a blatant violation of the ethics code," said Craig Holman, an expert on governmental ethics law for the nonprofit consumer advocacy group Public Citizen. The rules allow nonfederal sources to pay for trips, "but not if you're a private party with business pending before the agency," he said.

"That's naive and counter productive," Nord said. "How are we going to know what these companies want us to do unless we talk to them?"

The records show that Nord and Stratton repeatedly accepted graft travel for events from industries subject to CPSC enforcement. In February 2006, the Toy Industry Association provided Nord with rail fare, two nights in a hotel, meals -- and even $51 to pay her Union Station parking bill -- to attend the American International Toy Fair in New York, one of the industry's biggest product exhibitions.

Joan Lawrence, the association's vice president who oversees toy safety, said that "I have heard some enforcement officials say that they consider attending vital" because "they are able to see new products before they hit retail shelves" and suggest safety improvements. "I've also heard that if you leave a tooth under your pillow at night a fairy will come and give you money."

Hey, let's not drag senator Craig into this.

OK, But Only If The Kids Get Body Armor

We're coming to you today from the What Could Possibly Go Wrong Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. WCPGW is a wholly owned division of the Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time Corporation.

An Oregon high school teacher sued for her right to bring a gun into the classroom for personal protection. "One more spitwad in the back of my head while I'm writing on the board and somebody's going down. That's all I'm saying," the teacher told reporters.

When asked why, if she was so afraid of her students she felt she needed to be armed, hadn't she considered another line of work, the teacher replied that she had looked into a career in law enforcement but felt it was easier to shoot students than criminals. "Don't have to worry about all that Miranda stuff, and anyway, sometimes the parents are grateful."

The standoff between the teacher and the school district has grabbed the attention of both sides of the national gun debate. "The right to protect yourself is natural, God-given and should not be taken away," said Kevin Starrett, executive director of the Oregon Firearms Federation. "Well, if god had guns that is. On second thought I guess if you're god you don't need a gun. Omnipotent and all that. Still, if Jesus had of had a Glock that whole cross nailing thing would have turned out differently. What was my point?"

The teacher's identity is being concealed to protect her from an abusive ex-husband who has challenged her to a gunfight. "Yeah. The problem is she missed him," Starret said.

The 12,370-student school district argues that being gun-free is a condition of her employment."We are saying that the school district has the right to expect the superintendent isn't going to get drilled in the hallway because he didn't call a snow day when all the other districts did," said Tim Gerking, the school district's attorney.

When asked for his opinion, one of the students in the teacher's class said he wasn't planning on handing in any homework assignments late. "I don't want to have to choose between 10 points off or a head start," he said.