Is That A Sock In Your Huggies, Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

Hey, the Petreaus *cough* whitehouse *cough* "report" got you down? Tired of hearing the troops will come home if you just give us six more months? Thinking that building full of sissies perverts and criminals we call Congress won't do anything to end the war? Again. Figure we're going to stay in Iraq forever? Cheer up. We are!

So let's see what the good republican pervert is up to. You know, the one who, even though he bought hookers and engaged is some pretty kinky...erm...variations on the missionary position, is at least a hetero. Hey, you take your victories where you find them.

That's right, we're talking about that Lothario of Louisiana, the in flagrante delicto of Family Values the Huggies Humper, the one and only--well, OK, not the one and only--but let's give it up anyway for Daaaaavid Vitter!!

Weeks after U.S. Sen. David Vitter tried to discredit her allegations, a woman who used to work as a prostitute in New Orleans passed a lie detector test averring that she had a "sexual relationship" with Vitter that lasted at least four months. "There's no way she's telling the truth," said a spokesperson for Vitter's office. "Dave's a real horn' dawg. He ain't lettin' no filly tie him down that long. Wait, can I rephrase that?"

The woman, Wendy Yow Ellis, claims that she had intercourse with Vitter in a French Quarter apartment at Dauphine and Dumaine streets in 1999, the year the Metairie Republican was elected to Congress. "Look he'd just been elected," the spokesperson said. "Everybody has their own way of celebrating."

Ellis, whose maiden name is Wendy Yow, said Monday that she took the polygraph test because Vitter tried to impugn her credibility at a news conference in July, when he denied news reports about his involvement with prostitutes in New Orleans without being specific.

Vitter's office later issued a statement saying the senator hadn't intended to impugn Ellis, but "after a while all them girls start to look alike, and the senator just couldn't place her."

Vitter's press secretary refused to comment about the lie detector test Monday. "Senator Vitter and his wife have addressed all of this very directly," Joel DiGrado's statement said. "The senator is focused on important Louisiana priorities like the decriminalization of prostitution and containing the spread of genital herpes."

Ellis said she and Vitter had safe sex and that he did not have any unusual proclivities. She said he paid $300 an hour for her services."He was a very clean man," Ellis said. "He came in, took a shower, did his business and would leave."

"And that's the kind of focus, dedication and commitment that Louisiana needs," DiGrado said. "Plus he's clean and fastidious about his personal grooming."

OK, then why'd he take a shower first?

But We Plan To Put Nice Pictures Of The Birds In All The Corporate Lobbies

Full disclosure: we're not big fans of outside. Our idea of camping is a hotel without cable. This penchant for clean sheets and indoor plumbing probably goes back to our childhood traumas. At least once during the warm months the camping bug would bite our old daddy and it was off to the woods for our long suffering, sainted mother, our poor allergic pooch and us. Camping consisted of a pull behind pop up trailer, a hibachi and lots of adult beverages. For the grown ups the weekend was spent melting into lawn chairs while the children ran unaccompanied through the forest getting poison ivy.

Still, we have a lot of respect for the outside, considering most of the planet is there, which brings us to one Julie MacDonald, A senior Bush political appointee at the Interior Department. Now, you would think that president macho outdoors man, rancher, cowboy would at least want to preserve enough of the environment so Cheney wouldn't have to shoot his friends because there was no game left.

Or not.

Julie A. MacDonald, deputy assistant secretary for fish and wildlife and parks repeatedly altered scientific field reports to minimize protections for imperiled species and disclosed confidential information to private groups seeking to pave over the state of California, the department's inspector general concluded. "Well, sure, it sounds bad when you say it like that," said a spokesperson for MacDonald.

The IG noted that MacDonald "admitted that her degree is in stenography and that she has no formal educational background from about ninth grade on," but repeatedly instructed Fish and Wildlife scientists to change their recommendations on identifying "critical habitats," despite her inability to spell 'habitat.' "Hey, I've been outside. A lot," MacDonald told reporters. "Those animals all those science nerds studied? They're pretty small. I don't think they need that much room. We'll put some trees around the edges of the parking lot."

Inspector General Earl E. Devaney referred the case to Interior's top officials for potential administrative action. "Ooooh, I'm scared,"MacDonald said at a press conference. "Just tell Devaney I've got Cheney's private cell number and lots of accidents happen outside. I'm just saying."

According to Fish and Wildlife Service Director H. Dale Hall, MacDonald tangled with field personnel over designating habitat for the endangered Southwestern willow flycatcher, a bird whose range is from Arizona to New Mexico and Southern California. When scientists wrote that the bird had a "nesting range" of 2.1 miles, MacDonald told field personnel to change the number to 1.8 miles. Hall, a wildlife biologist who told the IG he had had a "running battle" with MacDonald, said she did not want the range to extend to California because her husband had a family ranch there. "Oh, three tenths of a mile. Big whoop," MacDonald said. "We needed to move the range back because of our pool."

The report also said MacDonald "misused her position" by disclosing confidential documents to "private sector sources" such as the Pacific Legal Foundation and the California Farm Bureau Federation, both of which have challenged endangered-species listings. "Oh sure, "MacDonald said." Everybody's looking out for the stupid birds, but who looks out for the corporations, huh? What about their environment?"

Kieran Suckling, policy director for the advocacy group Center for Biological Diversity, said "She has demoralized the entire U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service by deriding its scientists, overruling its decision-makers, and showing complete disregard for professional channels of decision making."

"Just doing the job the president hired me to do," MacDonald responded.

That Better Be A Dead Body In Your Freezer

See, here's the difference between democrats and republicans. When the republicans are crooked, they use the money to buy yachts, big houses, go on golf trips in Europe and buy expensive art. When the democrats are crooked, they stuff the money in their freezer. This is why the people in Jefferson's district re-elected him. "It's obvious he needs more time to get this graft thing down," said a Jefferson supporter who asked not to be identified because of outstanding warrants.

In a political comeback that's astounding even by republican standards, Representative William Jefferson (D- KoolKash) began his ninth term in office last week trying to mend fences with fellow Democrats intent on cleaning up Congress. "Anybody need a loan?" Jefferson asked at a meeting of democratic leaders. "I've got cash and good rates."

"It's great to have people trust you enough to send you back," Jefferson said. "It also helps that they're dumb as a box of rocks."

Jefferson's re-election has not been celebrated by many House Democratic leaders. New House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Ain't Yo Momma, stripped Jefferson of his Ways and Means Committee seat last year and instead offered him an olive branch in the form of a less prestigious seat on the Parking Assignments Committee. "That Committee doesn't meet very often," she said. "So he can probably continue to Chair it from his cell."

Pelosi promised that the Democratic Congress will usher in the "toughest congressional reform in history. To begin with, stand alone freezer size will be strictly limited."

Representative Gene Taylor, a conservative Democrat from Mississippi who once considered Pelosi too female for his support, now praises the Democratic leader for her very tough stance with regards to Bill Jefferson. "I heard she wanted to shoot the guy," he said. "But then she figured the Parking Committee would be worse."

Jefferson, however, is no political pariah among most members of the Congressional Black Caucus, who are still chafing over what they view as unfair treatment by Pelosi. "We're still down with the brotha," said one member who asked not to be named, but did request a shout out to "all my dawgs in the hood."

Jefferson said he was treated sympathetically by Representatives Charlie Melancon, D-KashOnly, and Jim McCrery, R-KashOut, after the bribery scandal which he refers to as "this little illegality" broke last year. "Both offered me space in their safe deposit boxes for anything the FBI didn't get," Jefferson said.

But there may be new tensions in the delegation, especially between Jefferson and Senator Mary Landrieu, a fellow New Orleans democrat who's expected to have a tough re-election race in 2008. Jefferson's press secretary, Melanie Roussell, hinted that Landrieu may have lost some of her support in New Orleans by failing to support Jefferson. "She certainly will have trouble holding on to the gangsta vote," Roussell said.

While democratic leaders in Washington and supporters in New Orleans await the outcome, Jefferson said he plans to make the best of his seat on the Parking Assignment Committee. "I'd just like to say to any of my constituents in New Orlean who still have cars, if you ever come to Washington, I'll see you get a place to park. If I"m not in jail by then that is."