Tuesday, January 31, 2006

This Union Has Never Been In The State It's Currently In

SOTUS day is one of our favorite days around IM Central. As we have mentioned before it is a day spent in breathless anticipation and feverish searching for drinking games. This year looks to top last year as it seems the president will have an even greater challenge before him in leaping from the world inside his head to the one the rest of us have to inhabit.

We have no doubt he's up to the challenge though, so for those of you who live outside the Bush bubble we offer the following advice:

First, make yourself a Dreaming Monkey. Toast the president as he comes into the Senate chamber. When he tries to ease anxiety about continuing U.S. troop deaths in Iraq drink a B-24 for every mention of elections, rebuilding, and Iraqis defending themselves. If the phrase "democracy is on the march" appears chug whatever is in your hand.

If the president should mention that his current budget plan doesn't allocate any money for Iraq run immediately to your basement and hide as candor from Bush is the seventh sign of the apocalypse.

Just kidding. Drink a can of domestic beer.

Every time the president says "terrorist surveillance program" down a Godfather. When he explains that it is not only legal, but necessary, despite the questions raised by everybody chug a Silent Service and turn your cell phone off.

When he says the Patriot Act is working, mix up pitchers of Alamo Defenders, throw everyone's library card in a pile and set them on fire. Drink directly from the pitcher.

If the president mentions Abramoff by name, call your priest and ask for an emergency confession as it will be necessary to clean your soul because the rapture is about to occur.

Just kidding. Sip Champagne while nibbling Chicken & Mushroom Vol-au-vants.

When the president mentions he is all for lobbying reforms try not to be drinking as you will waste precious alcohol by expelling it through your nose. Wait until the applause from the Republicans has died down and the Democrats quit laughing, then drink a Sneaky Pete for every time the camera focuses on Frist, Ney, Blunt or Boehner. Extra drinks if the camera catches DeLay hiding behind Shadegg.

When Bush begins to discuss controlling government spending, drain whatever is in your hand and order something from the Sharper Image catalog. Pay for it with whichever credit card isn't already maxed out.

When he mentions health savings accounts, call your parents and ask if you can still be covered on their insurance if you move back home. If they say yes, down a Park Avenue. If they say no, mix up a pitcher of Stingers--medicare will cover liver transplants. If your parents don't have insurance either, send them a coupon for 25% off aspirin at Costco. And while they're there, tell them to fill out a job application.

If Bush mentions the phenomenal government screw up after Katrina, stand up, applaud and greet morning again in America.

Just kidding. Share a pitcher of Zombies with your friends

When Bush tells us once again that nobody could have expected the damage except for everyone who expected it, mix yourself a Salty Dog and chug it.

Oh course feel free to adapt these suggestions to your own circumstances and tastes. While we have tried to provide you with appropriate choices for the various elements of the president's speech, we'll probably just be drinking straight from the bottle.

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