In Other News: White House Spokesperson Tells Kids Santa Claus Is Dead

Full disclosure: We dislike kids as much as the next guy. Well, unless the next guy is George Bush. He really doesn't like kids, which is kind of surprising if you think about it because where's he going to get the next generation of soldiers for his everlasting war on brown people and non-native English speakers? Anyway, our problem with kids is they're so...young. Not to mention the fact the they don't have to work and people still feed them.

Actually the source of our discontent with the little urchins around IM Central comes from the fact that we're continually chasing them out of our garbage where they insist on sifting through the Stoli empties trying to collect enough to derange themselves even further. Cripes! Don't their parents have liquor cabinets?

All that being said though, we must confess that even we find the president's latest attempt at compassionate conservatism to be, well, somewhat lacking in empathy. Or compassion. Whichever. Sympathy? Understanding? Concern? Kindness? Caring? Humaneness? The ability to relate to human circumstance that doesn't start with rich, and white? But enough idle speculation. Let's hear from the horses' a...er...mouth:

The Bush administration, continuing its fight to stop states from expanding the popular Children’s Health Insurance Program, has adopted new standards that would make it much more difficult for New York, California and others to extend coverage to children in middle-income families. Ann Clemency Kohler, deputy commissioner of human services in New Jersey, said: “We are horrified at the new federal policy. It will cause havoc with our program and could jeopardize coverage for thousands of children.”

"How is that 'havoc'?" asked White House spokesperson Ebenezer Scrooge. "When you can't provide any services to the needy, that makes your job simpler, doesn't it? You can just ignore them, like we do."

In a letter sent to state health officials Dennis G. Smith, the director of the federal Center for Slowly Strangling Medicaid and Dismantling State Operations, set an unrealistic standard for states that want to reach uninsured children not currently covered by the child health program. Before making such a change, Mr. Smith said, states must demonstrate that they have “enrolled at least 95 percent of children who have ever lived in the state since it joined the union.” Deborah S. Bachrach, a deputy commissioner in the New York State Health Department, said, “Smith makes the Grinch look like that guy who said 'Open your hand to the poor and needy neighbor in your land.'" What was his name again?”

Scrooge detailed several reasons for the veto threat from the White House:

"The legislation dramatically expands federal spending far beyond what is necessary to make it look like we're helping people when really we aren't."

The proposed expansion "essentially extends a welfare benefit to middle class households which will unnecessarily cut into the profit margins of private insurance companies, unless those households can't afford private insurance, in which case, who cares?"

"It transforms the program into an effectively 'unlimited entitlement program'. Which is code to our base meaning the protections will go to the ethnics because they're having kids like rabbits on speed."

As another obstacle, Mr. Smith said, states wanting to cover more children must show that “the number of children in the target population are at least white, and preferably from republican households, although we have some flexibility there if the parents register as independents but mostly vote with us. Hey, we're all about equity in this administration, you know?"