Friday Hound Blogging

Oh hey, check it out: The overlords is on the tee vee!! Woo Hoo!!

OK it's a link because they won't let us embed it. Why is that do you think? It's almost like they know what we're going to do with it, no? Who says the overlords are clueless dweebs with hearts the size of neutrinos?

Oh yeah, us.

Well, whatever. If you click on the link and head over to overlord tee vee central you'll see the the subject of today's program is Greyhound Welfare. Yay!

See, everybody knows racing greyhounds are highly trained, superior athletes who represent a sizable investment of time and resources by the overlords, so to perform at their best, their care must be top notch. Well, everybody except for these guys, but maybe they just didn't get the memo.

Anyway, let's go to the video tape: First up, housing. As you can see, greyhounds live in clean well lighted climate controlled kennels that are in good repair. Now we know the more cynical and disbelieving of you out there may be thinking this is a set up to promote one particular fiction in a whole industry of fictions about the way greyhounds are treated in the kennels, but we assure you this represents an accurate portrayal of life at the track. Don't believe us, just ask Harold Williams.

The revocation of Harold Williams’ license came after his Florida license was taken away in the wake of an investigation at a Panhandle dog track kennel, racing Commissioner Mike Box said.Washington County Sheriff’s Deputy Steve Russ initially could not enter the Florida kennel because the stench was overwhelming, he wrote in one of the reports.When an officer with a breathing device walked through the kennel, he saw dead dogs in cages and plastic bags. Five dogs were still alive, according to the reports.

Oops, heh heh. Looks like Harold didn't get the memo either. Don't these people check their e-mail?

All right, so some elements of kennel life may not be perfect, but at least the dogs live in roomy crates where, as the narrator says, they are able to stand up, sit, turn and lie down without difficulty. Why is a roomy crate so important you ask, well mostly because the dogs will spend upwards of 22 hours a day in there, but it's not so bad because, as you can see from the video, occasionally they get a dog biscuit. Like we said, top notch care.

Which brings us to diet. Now, to perform at their best racing greyhounds' food must be "healthy" and "nutritious" as the narrator says which is why greyhounds are fed 4d meat which, as our narrator so helpfully points out, is also in commercial dog foods, except that in those foods the meat is cooked whereas greyhounds get it--again as our narrator points out--raw. For those of you uninformed viewers out there who might think this could be a problem for the greyhounds, it really isn't. At least once you get by the Salmonella infections and whatnot.

So, to recap: Greyhounds live ins clean, climate controlled kennels with airy, large crates, and eat nutritious, healthful meals.

Umm...except for the ones who don't.

So, Tipsy, did you like, have cable in your crate and stuff?

Tipsy is laid back and easy going. He also likes to play and has a lot of energy for a senior dog. He is friendly and affectionate. He will approach to have his ears scratched. He smiles when it is supper time. Tipsy would do well in a working family home with older, well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

In Which Ironicus Sees Comeuppance On The Menu

Ah, schadenfreude you have bested us again. Damn you! Damn you sir!

A while back we read about Michele Bachmann's crusade to preserve the incandescent light bulb, which wasn't actually in danger of becoming extinct and we laughed, and we laughed and we laughed.

At campaign stops across the country, she has repeatedly denounced a 2007 law that required manufacturers to develop energy-efficient light bulb varieties. Bachmann sees the law as an affront to American values. "I think Thomas Edison did a pretty patriotic thing for this country by inventing the light bulb," she told a New Hampshire audience in March. "And I think darn well, you New Hampshirites, if you want to buy Thomas Edison's wonderful invention, you should be able to!"

But Michele, queries us, you step forward to defend  Thomas Edison's wonderful invention, but what about William Powell Lear who invented the 8 track tape? Or Marjorie Colton who invented waxed paper? Christopher Lantham Sholes who invented the typewriter? Do these brave souls not deserve your best efforts as well? Did we not lose something precious when some, possibly socialist usurper of American ideals injected plastic wrap into our culture? Oh, innocence lost!

And we chuckled our most devilish chuckle and announced to all who would listen that those legendary Minnesota winters must have turned the voters' gray matter into cerebral permafrost as they had apparently elected an extremely dim bulb to represent them. Then, clucking with satisfaction at our own rakish wit, repaired to the lounge for a celebratory adult beverage.

Oh fate, you are a cruel mistress. You waited until just the right moment to send this to make a mockery of our mirth:

Republican state lawmakers say they want to light the way to incandescent light bulb manufacturing in Michigan. Rep. Tom McMillin, R-Rochester Hills, has introduced legislation that would allow the light bulbs to be made in the state despite a federal law scheduled to take effect in 2012 that bans the incandescent bulb to make way for more energy efficient lights. No manufacturers make the bulbs in Michigan today.

Michigan! Oh Michigan we weep for you. Well, actually we weep more for ourselves because the chickens of stupidity have apparently flown their Minnesota coup and come to rest here in the Water Winter Wonderland.

Rep. Kenneth B. Horn, R-Frankenmuth and a bill co-sponsor, said it’s all about choice. He’s dubbed the legislation “the freedom to manufacture bill.” A company could make and sell the bulb only in Michigan, avoiding the ban under federal interstate commerce laws that would prevent the sale of the bulb across the state line in 2012, he said. “There’s no way to manufacture a light bulb like this without a bill like this,” he said.

Ah, Representative Horn. Representative McMillin. You are not making your parents proud. Would that you could go back to your street corners, or your back porches where you were merely a passing irritant to squirrels and stray cats. But no! You stand in the well of the Legislature of the 26th state to join this great union. The home state of  Thomas Dewey, of Henry Ford, of Justice Potter Stewart, of William Boeing, of Madonna fer chrissakes and this is the best you can do? This is your crowning achievement, your capstone, your piece de resistance?

You wound us sirs. The echoes in your craniums are like the doleful bells of  Poe's University Church, pregnant with melancholy menace.

More importantly though, you're giving the state a bad name, you bunch of chuckle heads. Now listen, we'll do this very slowly and use small words. There. Is. No. Ban.  Hear that? No ban. None. Bannus nonexisticus.

We think you'll find that learning to read will be very beneficial to your legislative career. In the mean time we hear Minnesota is looking for state legislators.

Oh Look, They're Voting. Isn't That Cute, They Think It Matters

We're coming t you today for the Potpourri Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The Potpourri Department is part of the Where Do These People Come From Company, a wholly owned subsidy of Why Do We Even Bother, Inc.

Several times throughout our years here at the blog we have ruminated on the exact nature of the mental malfunction necessary to cause otherwise incompetent but fairly harmless people to convince themselves they should embark on a career as legislators. Having your head dribbled across the floor as a child? Being raised on a diet of mercury and lead based paint? Parents who think inbreeding means not having sex outdoors?

We bring this up because as we were slooshing through the inter toobz today, two rather pungent bits of flotsam washed up amongst the dead Alewives and empty Zoloft bottles we usually run across.

Let's start with Rand Paul. It seems a bit of regulation designed to keep people from becoming bits of flaming debris has drawn his ire.

A senator who opposes federal regulation on philosophical grounds is single-handedly blocking legislation that would strengthen safety rules for oil and gas pipelines...

OK, two things. First, well, it's Rand Paul. Has this guy ever been for anything that wasn't about returning America to a hunter gatherer society? Second: Umm...All right we only had one thing.

Paul's opposition to the bill hasn't wavered even after a gas pipeline rupture last week shook people awake in three counties in his home state of Kentucky.

Well of course it hasn't wavered. We're talking philosophy here, man. What's a few  fricasseed constituents when you're trying to maintain your ideological purity? The engines of commerce must be stoked! Ah...that probably wasn't the most appropriate metaphor at this particular juncture, but the point is, get government off the backs of business!

The bill is supported by the industry's major trade associations — the Interstate Natural Gas Association of America, the American Gas Association and the Association of Oil Pipelines. 

 Oh. Now that is a little surprising. Not because Paul is resisting legislation that would help his constituents go through life in a flameless mode, we long ago realized that politicians don't speak for the people who voted them into office, but the corporations who bought their office.

That's the surprising part. Paul is also resisting the wishes of his corporate ATM. It's like he's a constituency of one. Now, we openly admit that we weren't the most attentive of students in our Government classes, but we're pretty sure that when the elements of the democratic process were explained to us, "Because I said so," wasn't one of the principles the Founders came to consensus around.

Which brings us to Texas, where in an effort to make sure creationism is taught in school because the bibles given away by the Gideons are the only textbooks the schools can afford, the legislature is preparing to assure Rick Perry intellectualism will become a defining aspect of the Lone Star State by protecting the interests of the poor poor oil companies.

Three commissioners appointed by Gov. Rick Perry may grant some of the nation's largest refineries a tax refund of more than $135 million — money Texas' cash-strapped schools and other local governments have been counting on to help pay teachers and provide other public services.

Now that we can understand. We mean, what's government's major function? Protect it's citizens, and since, as the Supreme Court has so eloquently explained to us, a corporation is a citizen too, just like Mitt Romney, the Texas legislature will have no choice but to act and right this egregious injustice.

Well, only if Rand Paul thinks it's a good idea that is.

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, it was bound to happen. Should have expected it we guess. We mean, even the overlords can only take so much, you know? For far too long the conversation about greyhound exploitation racing has been dominated by the animal rights wackos, the latte sippers, the Birkenstock wearers and the Prius drivers. Who was there to speak for the soulless bags of wasted protein who think that sucking your meager existence off the pain and suffering of innocent creatures is a valid career choice for beings that do not belong to the order Pharyngobdella?

Who indeed. Well, Tucson Greyhound Park CEO Tom Taylor, that's who. Tired of ceding the dialogue to people suffering from empathy Mr. Taylor has stepped forward to offer an eloquent defense of his track in particular and his industry in general: 



OK, now we realize at first blush it looks like Mr. Taylor is dissembling when he refuses to let people into his kennel who think greyhounds are not toasters and thus have certain rights accrued to them as living creatures, but that's only because you don't understand the sophisticated, metaphorical elements of his argument. Allow us to unpack the complex elements of his rhetorical construct.

First, the reference to the Taj Mahal has several levels of meaning. Most people think of it as an architectural masterpiece of enduring beauty, representative of the highest artistic and cultural values of the time. Who would find such a structure lacking? Well, at first you might think it would have to be someone without a shred of aesthetic appreciation for anything other than the crumpled face of George Washington on a stained and torn dollar bill, you know, people like Tom Taylor.

But it's not about that at all, self referential as it may be, it's about something much more sophisticated, much more complicated, much more subtle. See, the Taj Mahal is a mausoleum. It's a giant tribute to death. Ah, you're saying now, the elegance of Mr Taylor's argument begins to open up before you like a rose, blooming with the dawn. Mr. Taylor is simply telling us that his kennel is a receptacle of death, without the outward elegance.

Which brings us to the Mona Lisa. Again, an artifact generally possessing outward beauty and cultural significance. Outwardly. But once you delve below the surface you discover it's not dogs playing poker or velvet Elvis. OK we could be reaching there as the subtlety of Mr. Taylor's argument surpasses our meager exegetical skills, but you know what? It doesn't matter because we can actually go to Mr.Taylor's track and speak with some of the crowd. After all, if you really want to understand the cultural milieu of animal exploitation you go to the source, right? OK, let's start in the concession area since that's where participants are most likely to gather to share expertise and controlled substances in anticipation of the evening's festivities.

  Oops. Heh heh. Where is everybody? Oh, wait. Silly us. The crowd is out enjoying the races. When you've got something as exciting and enjoyable as watching to see if any dogs will seriously injure or kill themselves to do, who can stay in the snack bar, huh? OK let's head out to the track

Yes, well...um...All right, admittedly the crowd is somewhat light this evening, but we're sure we just caught the track on an off night. What's that you say Bo? That's twice as many people as used to come to your races?

Bo is a confident, friendly, affectionate boy who wants to be friends with everyone he meets; going for walks to greet his “fan club” is one of his favorite things to do. With his brindle color, heart shaped nose and outgoing, friendly personality, he’s irresistibly cute. He is a smart boy who knows “sit”, “down”, “come” and “leave it”; he is willing to learn more for a treat. He will sit and lay down without being asked when he sees someone reaching into the treat jar. He is very affectionate and loves to give kisses and will lean against you for pets. Being an epileptic dog, Bo needs a home that has experience with seizures. Bo also needs a home that is stable, has a consistent routine and very few changes as well as one that can cope with the stresses of having an epileptic dog. He will also need to be more of a homebody dog (i.e. no travelling, large gatherings or meet and greets) as stress and change can trigger seizures. Due to the side effects of his anti-seizure medication, he also needs a home where someone is home often and can let him out every few hours to go potty. Bo would be fine as an only dog or in a home with another dog, as long as his family is able to separate them or restrain the other dog if Bo has a seizure. He also needs to be crated while home alone to prevent injury to himself in case of a seizure. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Pope Visits Germany; Mitre Detained At Border

Achtung! Achtung! Der Fuhrer Kommt!! Preparar!

Oops. Got a little carried away there. What we meant to say was that pope Bene is heading back to his old stomping grounds for a little strudel and wurst.

When Benedict XVI arrives in Berlin this week, he will be greeted in his homeland by a Lutheran chancellor, a gay mayor and a divorced, remarried Roman Catholic president.

A Lutheran, a gay and a nonpracticing catholic? In other news, the vatican announced today that long time social secretary for the pope Benito Scalizarri would be leaving his post after almost twenty years. No reason was given. Yeah. A Lutheran and a bad catholic maybe. But a queer? Nuh uh. Popey don't play that.

Protests have been organized at all the pope's planned stops during his four-day trip. Some opposition lawmakers have said they will not attend his address to parliament and gay and student groups have announced demonstrations to be held in Berlin and Erfurt.

Protests? Well, OK if that's the way you want to go. You know, get out there in the street, in the wide open and yell at the head of god's posse here on earth. Stand out underneath the sky and yell at the supreme ruler of the universe's number one homie. If you think that's a smart thing to do, go right ahead. Just two words: Light Ning.

"We are against discrimination, unequal treatment, against the banning of condoms and we want to make that clear," Joerg Steinert, director of the German Gay and Lesbian Association told Associated Press Television News. "We will be visible when the pope addresses parliament."

Ah, we think we see your problem. Now the condom thing, yeah whatever. Like people actually listen to the pope about stuff like that, but discrimination? Dude, that's the whole point. Ever hear of god's chosen people?  Remember when the pope said other religions was whack? Especially them musslemens. See, the whole point of any church is to separate itself from the rest of the heathen horde because, well, that's what god's been doing since Adam was a second grader. Now the problem is old Jehovah has been pretty tight lipped on the whole who's my favorite issue for quite a few years now, so the churches try to make up for that by being the loudest to proclaim that god likes them best, the whole idea being that if they say it loud enough and loud enough maybe Jaweh will be convinced. Sort of the Dancing With The Stars theory of divine preference.

Even in the more staunchly Catholic southwestern city of Freiburg — the final stop on the pope's journey — a group calling itself "Freiburg Without the Pope" has been printing T-shirts depicting the city's historic cathedral sheathed in a bright pink condom.

Oh now that's just rude right there. Like cathedrals aren't already phallic enough with all the spires and towers and whatnot.

A recent poll indicated most Germans don't think the papal visit is particularly important. Only 14 percent of 1,008 Germans surveyed by the Forsa institute between Sept. 8-9 said the visit was of personal importance to them, compared with 55 percent that said it held "no importance whatsoever."

 Well, in the pope's defense SC Freiburg was playing Borussia Mönchengladbach that day, and you know Germans, if they're not invading Poland, they're watching football. Especially that Jaroslav Drobny. Dude's a scoring machine, man!

The potentially most sensitive topic in Germany is the church's handling of last year's sex abuse scandal. Hundreds of Germans came forward with claims that they had been sexually or physically abused by Catholic priests.

 Oh, yeah. Well, there is that too.

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, remember Ronnie Williams? Sure you do. He's the overlord who got caught reducing inventory a few months ago. Well, this drove the other overlords into fits of apoplexy because, you know, the greyhounds are like family to them, and if a greyhound doesn't get the finest care possible then the enormous investment they represent is fairly wasted, not to mention that an innocent living creature has suffered and died at the hands of a callous, cruel and barbaric industry based upon the exploitation of helpless animals.

Remember, we said not to mention that. The overlords never do, but back to Ronnie Williams.

A second motion to dismiss the case against Ronald “Ronnie” Williams has been denied.

Hmmm...looks like the "my client is a soulless, bag of wasted protein who barely deserves the moniker 'sentient'" defense isn't going so well.

The motion filed by public defender Floyd Griffith in early August claimed the animal cruelty statute Williams is being prosecuted under is unconstitutional because of its vague definition of willfully causing an animals pain and suffering and “does not give fair warning” to people of common intelligence.

 OK we see your problem counselor. "People of common intelligence"? Really? Have you talked with your client at all? Did you even read the complaint?

Necropsies have been completed on the 32 greyhounds found dead in kennels at Ebro Greyhound Park last week and veterinarians think the animals died of starvation and dehydration. The trainer of the dogs, 36-year-old Ronnie Williams of Ponce de Leon, has been charged with 37 counts of felony animal cruelty and is being held in the Washington County Jail.

Does that sound like a person of "common intelligence" to you? Does it even sound like a person?

Circuit Court Judge Christopher Patterson denied the motion on Tuesday, stating in his order the “statutory language is both plain and unambiguous.”

 Well, thank you Judge Patterson. You know what else is "plain and unambiguous?" People like Ronnie Williams need to be sent far away for a very long time, and this whole savage, vile, murderous industry should be consigned to the garbage heap of history without delay. you have a problem with that Lady?

Lady is outgoing, exuberant, very energetic, playful and puppy-like. She is affectionate. She will try to crawl into your lap to cuddle when you are sitting down. She likes to be near you. She wants to be petted all the time. She is very sweet—loves affection. She likes to play with toys and will sometimes throw her toys in the air. She likes to roll on her back. Lady would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and older. Sometimes she plays rough with other dogs, so would do best with a young, energetic dog as her companion. She will bark when she is excited, so she may do best in a single family home. She would do best in a home with someone who knows about dog training because she is young and needs guidance and would probably be best in a home that would exercise her regularly. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And Jesus Sayeth Unto Thee, Dump The Chump

We're coming to you today from the Colossians 3:12 department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Colossians 3:12 is a division of the I Corinthians 13:4 - 8 Company, in partnership with Proverbs 11:25, Inc.

It seems the bible has asterisks.

Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson told his "700 Club" viewers that divorcing a spouse with Alzheimer's is justifiable because the disease is "a kind of death."

 And you're a kind of a jerk.

Democracy Would Be A Great System, If It Wasn't For All That People Get To Vote Stuff

OK so we've been slooshing through the inter toobz for a fair parcel of time and while mostly it merely reconfirms our belief that Americans are to intellectual discourse as raisins are to nuclear powered submarines, occasionally we run across a wit so sharp, a mind so dazzlingly adept, an intelligence so stunningly advanced that it fairly takes our breath away.

Such is the case with the pensive stylings of one Matthew Vadum--or as he will be hereinafter referred to--Lord Vadum who penned the soon to be classic opus "Registering The Poor To Vote Is Un-American."

Oh, we know what you're thinking--this is just some screed by a bigoted old white guy whose probably a legacy hire on wingnut welfare. Well, that just shows the paucity of your cerebral capabilities. Need proof? Here's a snippet form Lord Vadum's bio:

Vadum's book, "Subversion Inc.: How Obama's ACORN Red Shirts are Still Terrorizing and Ripping Off American Taxpayers," was published by WND Books in May 2011. His research was cited by Michelle Malkin in her New York Times bestseller, "Culture of Corruption."

That's MICHELLE FREAKIN' MALKIN man. THE Michelle Malkin.

Well, we're not trying to make you feel bad by pointing up your inadequacies or anything, so let's just move on to the article itself which is a clinic in logical thought, argumentative expertise and stylistic brilliance. First, the central premise:

Why are left-wing activist groups so keen on registering the poor to vote? Because they know the poor can be counted on to vote themselves more benefits by electing redistributionist politicians.  Welfare recipients are particularly open to demagoguery and bribery.

See? Poor people vote their own self interests, unlike other segments of  the population like say, conservatives, whose only concern when voting is the overall welfare of this great nation. In fact, when you enfranchise this class of selfish voters, only one logical outcome is possible:

It is profoundly antisocial and un-American to empower the nonproductive segments of the population to destroy the country.

Now, if Lord Vadum can be said to have any weakness, it's that his own large heart can empathic nature won't let him carry his thought out to fruition because if productivity is the key that unlocks the privilege of voting, then we must apply it equally and fairly across the board because--and we're sure Lord Vadum would agree with us here--that is the American way.

We get your message, Lord Vadum, we truly do, and as such, in your stead and as your acolytes we will not rest until the vote has been taken away from these other self involved parasites on the body of this great nation:

• Old people--particularly retired old people whose productive years are long behind them. In fact, as a corollary to your  thought it may be advisable to enact legislation that would vacate the votes these people made during their productive years after they retire, much as Ohio State had to vacate the victories in their 2010 season. Of course there are some complications here, like it may lead to president Regan not being elected, but a small price to pay to return this country to the roots upon which it was founded.
• Women, specifically housewives and stay at home moms. Now, some may attempt the fallacious defense that these people are in fact productive and that they simply are not having their contribution recognized in the way that other productive segments of the population are, but we say this is just a version of the tree falls in the forest argument in that, if work occurs and it is not compensated with money, is it really work?
• People who suffer long term illnesses, or debilitating injuries. Like the aforementioned category of old people, those in this group may have been productive at one time, but those days are over and America needs the benefit of those with strong backs and clear minds today, not the enfeebled mutterings of the disabled. Besides, like poor people, those in this category will be tempted to put themselves ahead of the country, especially in the areas of healthcare and social services.
• Students. Classic examples of non-productive citizens. Now, it is true that since the government has withdrawn most of its support for education many students have to take all large loans, plus work part time to pay for their education, so some consideration can be given to those in this category. For example, perhaps we could count their vote as 3/5's of a truly productive citizen's vote.

Of course some details will still need to be worked out. The fifteenth and ninetieth amendments to the Constitution will have to be repealed for example, but America has never quailed before a challenging task, and that can do spirit will see us through, of that you can be sure.

The Founding Fathers Wanted Us To Die Young

Hey we're already having presidential debates. Well, the republicans are getting together and doing PSA's on the dangers of going off your medications which is what passes for presidential debates with them. We totally missed the ones they've had so far which is OK we guess since they're going to have 14,632 of them. Actually we missed the one last night, but we did see that at least one reporter showed up for it and wrote a story.

Here's something that surprised us, Ron Paul is running for president. Again. Doesn't this guy have any hobbies? Well, on the bright side at least he showed up in a suit and not a robe and slippers with a garden hose ready to squirt the Romneybot every time he said he came from a business background.

Here's another thing that surprised us: Wolf Blitzer is still alive. He was the "moderator" which means he got to ask questions and then sit there waiting for the commercial break while the participants babbled on incoherently. One of the questions he asked grandpa Paul was what would he do for an uninsured guy who got sick. We're thinking, doesn't Wolf know the dude is a gynecologist? He's not going to be able to help some sick guy. We figured Paul would say something like do a Pap smear, or give the man some Midol or something. Instead he said freedom was all about taking risks.

What the heck does that even mean?  Does he think people go down to the Contagion Casino and gamble with their health? OK, We're going all in for living until we're 90, but if we lose it's pancreatic cancer at 66.

And that's not the weirdest thing. When he said that the audience applauded. The only way that makes sense is if those people are programed to applaud every time they hear a word like freedom or a phrase like we the people, sort of like at IM Central when the greyhounds come running every time they hear the can opener.

Well, it wasn't time for a commercial break yet and Wolf has trouble keeping track of all the wars we're in, so instead of the foreign policy question he was supposed to ask, he followed up with grandpa Paul and tried to find out he he would just let the guy die. Before Paul could answer the crowd went wild shouting "Yeah," applauding and hooting like frat boys at a porno.

Later, Rick Perry said he wouldn't wait for the guy to die, but would execute him on the spot.

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog are aware that disappointment is the one certain outcome of hope...erm...we mean are aware that West Virginia is in the throes of a gubernatorial election and that greyhounds have become a central issue in that contest, mostly because of candidate Earl Ray Tomblin's momma.  

In a new TV commercial released today, Senate President Earl Ray Tomblin defends himself against charges of using the Greyhound Breeding Development Fund, created in 1993, to benefit his family’s greyhound racing business. The new commercials cite an article in Monday’s Charleston Gazette by reporter Phil Kabler. In the article, Kabler fact-checks accusations by the Maloney campaign that Tomblin funneled $ 2.5 million in taxpayer dollars to Tomblin Kennels, owned by Tomblin’s mother and brother.

See, right away there's a problem. What's that reporter doing "fact checking" anyway when he should following Kim Kardashian's Tweets, or waiting for Michele Bachmann to say something stupid? Hello? What part of "reporter" do you not understand?

There are no tax dollars involved. Funds for the greyhound development fund purses come from the state’s share of profits from racetrack video lottery.

Ha! You tell 'em Earl Ray. May we call you Earl Ray? How about just Bubba? Anyway, the point is it's not tax money that's going to Bubba's momma, it's money sucked off the losers who think they're going to hit the big time playing the lottery with odds of like 10 billion to one of winning. Well, guess you could call that a tax on stupid people, but the money has to come from somewhere because lord knows greyhound racing isn't profitable, so if Bubba's going to prop up his momma like a good boy, where else is he going to look?

On Tuesday, a day after Kabler’s article, the Maloney campaign released a research paper on Tomblin and the Breeder Fund pointing to several bills Tomblin supported which help increase subsidies in the Breeder Fund. Tomblin also supported spending $2 million on new greyhound training tracks in 2008, paid for by the Breeder Fund.

Hey come on. How else you going to train these dogs? You think they're born to run?  Oh wait, you do. Well, we're sure this is still a needed expense. Let's ask Sam Burdette, president of the West Virginia Greyhound Owners and Breeders Association:

Burdette says the association doesn't object to training tracks, but believes the state's planned facilities are too elaborate and expensive.

 Too elaborate? Too expensive? Mr. Burdette, we're talking about Earl Ray's momma here. Wouldn't you do the same for your momma?

Using Charleston Gazette and Charleston Daily Mail articles as sources, the Maloney research paper said that instead of the Tomblin family receiving $2.5 million from the Breeder Fund since 1993, the Tomblin family actually received $3.8 million instead. However, when added together the total amount of Breeder Fund money going to the Tomblin family since 1993, the total is $3.4 million.

$3.8 million, $3.4 million, what's the difference? We're talking pocket change here, and in a state where the average household income is $16, 477 they can afford it. Besides, how many times do we have to tell you, we're talking about somebody's momma here. Can't you get that through your head? Yeesh, some people, huh TJ?

TJ, aka Lola is a very sweet, quiet little lady. She has a beautiful brindle coat, and we received many a compliment when out on walks. She loves to chase a ball, and run laps in the backyard, but prefers to lay on her pillow when inside. She has been out of her crate for over a year now (she sleeps on a pillow on the floor in the master bedroom) and we have had absolutely no accidents or problems with her. She is a "shadow" dog once she gets to know you, and prefers to be in the same room as you. She has very expressive eyes, and gives you that "puppy dog" look almost every time she looks at you (which makes her very hard to resist!). Lola would be absolutely wonderful for a family with older children, or a couple with another dog. She would not do well with a single owner who isn't home for most of the day, or a family with younger children who are looking for a dog to actively interact with them. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Pavlov's New Dogs

We're coming to you today from the Department of False Equivalencies here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DoFE is a subsidiary of the It's All About The Benjamins Corporation in partnership with Simple Solutions to Complex Problems, NA.

It seems one of our elected representatives here the the Water Winter Wonderland has hit upon a solution to all that ails our schools.

School districts could hire school teachers through a private company, expanding a privatization program already allowed for lunch workers and bus drivers, under legislation being prepared by the head of the Senate Education Committee.

See, because we all know teaching children is just like whipping up a batch of mac and cheese after you pass the test for your chauffeur's license.

As part of a significant education reform package sponsored by Senator Phil Pavlov (R-St. Clair), schools could privatize their instructional services, giving district a way to avoid the perceived high-dollar packages pushed by the teacher unions.

 OK, few questions there senator Pavlov. First, shouldn't any proposed "reform" to education as broad in scope as this one at least make some small mention of its impact on the students? We're just spit-balling here, but you know, lip service and stuff? At least act like you're thinking about the kids.

Second, where are the teacher unions pushing these "high dollar" packages? Why are these packages "perceived" packages? Who's perceiving them? You? Or are you just salivating at the chance to whack a union or two? Get it? Pavlov. Salivating. More subtle humor from the comedy masters at Ironicus Maximus.

"I look at it as offering options," Pavlov said. "If there is something out there that can offer school officials the same options at a lower cost, schools need to take a look at that. It needs to part of the conversation on reform."

Right. Because any time you look at finding ways to make education better and more efficient, cheap comes to mind almost immediately.

The privatization piece would require teachers from a private firm to have all of the same qualifications as current instructors. The difference would be that school districts could take bids for instructional services once an existing contract expires.

Superintendents! Tired of all those pesky teachers asking for things like a living wage, proper working conditions and benefits? Come to the new Wal-Mart Teacher Super Store and take advantage of our grand opening special: Buy three math teachers, get the fourth one free! (English as a first language not guaranteed).

Tired of English teachers arguing for books that parents don't want to their children to read because Rush Limbaugh told them they'll be communists if they do? Check out our selection of language arts teachers who have neither language, nor art, but know how to follow directions because they're at will employees!

"What Sen. Pavlov seems to be talking about is handing the education of our children over to the lowest bidder and letting for-profit companies take over our classrooms," said Doug Pratt, spokesman for the Michigan Education Association.

Well sure it sounds bad when you say it like that, but you're probably one of those people who went to college for four or five years to get a Bachelor's Degree, did internships and student teaching, then as soon as you got a job had to go back to school for your Masters so you could keep your certification, so what do you know?

Senator Pavlov is a Port Huron native, Pavlov graduated from St. Clair High School and later attended St. Clair Community College, where he studied business administration before joining the family transportation business. For fourteen years, Pavlov owned and operated Dexter Equipment Company, specializing in medium to heavy duty truck sales and heavy equipment repair.

It's like the guy has education in his blood or something.

Friday Hound Blogging

OK here's the problem with greyhound racing. There's so much money to be made and the stakes are so high that there is enormous pressure on the breeders to win. This is a situation tailor made for cheating, cutting corners and ignoring the rules, all of which puts the greyhounds in increased danger.

Wait. What's that you say? There is no money in greyhound racing?

For the tracks, running dogs is a losing business, one that they maintain only so they can reap the massive profits from newer gambling like slots and poker. Though Florida is often considered the mecca of modern dog racing in this country, over the last eight years, taxes and fees paid to the government from greyhound racing have dropped a whopping 96 percent.

 Whoa. That's..um...pretty bleak, dude. Well, on the bright side, with no money to be made that takes the pressure off and now we can do greyhound racing for fun without worrying about the temptation the breeders might have to play fast and loose with the rules, which means the greyhounds are going to be a whole lot safer, right Trainer Eric Butler?

Mr Butler was found guilty of a charge under Greyhound Racing Rule 83 (2) (a) in that he presented Sunshine Fury for the race in question not free of a prohibited substance as the urine sample taken from the greyhound was found to contain Codeine.

See? The less financial incentive you put on an activity, the less likely it's going to be that people will cheat to get ahead and...wait...codeine? Eric. Dude. If you're gonna cheat at least know your chemistry. Codeine is a downer, man. You take it yourself to cope with your life decisions, you don't give it to greyhounds to make them run faster. Criminny. Somebody buy this guy the Breaking Bad DVDs or something.

Well, no matter because we know what the overlords are going to say about this, namely this Eric guy is what's known as The Bad Apple. He in no way represents the fine upstanding citizens who populate the barbarous sport of heartless innocent animal exploitation greyhound racing. Isn't that right Trainer Alfred Vella?

Mr Vella pleaded guilty to a charge under Greyhound Racing Rule 83 (2) (a) in that he presented Diesel Roc for the race in question not free of a prohibited substance as the urine sample taken from the greyhound was found to contain Caffeine, Theobromine, Theophylline and Paraxanthine.

 Hmm...well in his defense we have to say that Alfred was apparently paying more attention in chemistry class than Eric was. We mean, caffeine? Yeah, we get that, but theobromine? Dude, that's chocolate! Now, chocolate might make some people run faster, but dogs? Ah...not so much. See, that's why the lure is a fake rabbit and not a snickers bar, right Pinocchio?

 Pinocchio is very mild mannered. He is very loving and affectionate. He likes to follow his foster mom around the house. He gives kisses and loves to be petted and snuggle. He puts his head in your lap and he gets along with the female greyhound in the home. He likes to play with toys. He likes to look at himself in the mirror. He is a curious, happy dog who prances when he walks. He also can sit. He has a pronounced overbite, which probably gave him his name. It is very endearing. He also sleeps on his back with his feet in the air in the “cockroach” position. Pinocchio would do well in a working family home with well-mannered older children, 12 and up. He would probably do best as an only dog, because he gets possessive of food/treats around other dogs. He may be okay in a home with other dogs, preferably female dogs, if the family has dog behavior experience. If he is in a home with another dog, he should be walked together with the dog. He needs a home that will provide structure and boundaries for him. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.