Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Oh, Like You'd Rather Be The Banana Slugs*

We're coming to you today from the Some People Need More To Do Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. SPNMTD is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Get A Life Corporation in partnership with Pay Attention To Me Dammit, Inc.

It seems Satan has laughed in Pastor Donald Crosby's face once to often, and now the good Padre has gone all Temple and the moneychangers on old Ned's wrinkly buttocks.
A pastor arrested Monday for protesting Warner Robins High School's "Demon" nickname and mascot says he was just standing up for Jesus -- and he'd do it again.
Yeah, well, see, here's the thing Pastor Don--do you mind if we call you Pastor Don? Doofus seems overly formal. Anyway, the point is you're talking about Jesus here, son of god, the guy who turned water into wine, raised the dead, healed the sick, came back from the dead, you know, god stuff. Now, we're just speculating, but we really don't think a guy like that needs a sixth grade dropout with a divinity degree from Walmart to fight his battles for him. Just a thought.
Pastor Donald Crosby said the school's demon logo just encourages children to evil. He criticized other Christians who, he says, are singing in church while their children are being taught to praise demons.
OK we think we see the source of your confusion. See, when you go to sporting events and hear people shouting "Go Demons" and Yay Demons," they're not summoning Beelzebub, they're using a grammatical construction called a collective noun, in this case the team name Demons. This enables them to efficiently and enthusiastically cheer for all the kids on the team at once instead of having to mention each team member individually. You have to admit "Fight Demons fight" is much more succinct than "Fight Timmy and Billy and George and John and the other John and Mike and Phillip and Rick and Tommy and Fred and Marcy Fight." Also it detracts from the spontaneity of the event when fans need to consult cheat sheets to make sure their cheers cover everyone. (Uh...Marcy?)

A bit of an aside: If Demons is the name of the sports teams, what are the girls' teams called? The Lady Demons? Rather androgynous don't you think?  The Demonettes? Too musical. The Fighting Succubi? Probably a violation of some statutory prohibitions, but back to our story.
"Demons aren't lazy, Christians are," Crosby said.
 That's better Pastor Don. Not exactly the most rousing of cheers, and Warner Robins High School doesn't play any teams called the Christians, but you've got the basic idea.
The pastor says a 15-year-old, who he has legal custody of, is zoned for the school, and he doesn't want him exposed to the name's evil connotations.
Right, because god told Adam and Eve to stay away from the tree of knowledge and following that advice has worked out so well for you.
The boy, who Crosby would not identify, did not start classes at Warner Robins High, Monday. Crosby says he is considering "other options" for the child's education. Crosby says the 9th grader has received threats since he began protesting the demon mascot.
You know, Pastor Don, if the kid is getting threats that means everybody already knows who he is and refusing to identify him is sort of a waste of time. Just saying. Also, making the kid watch Hooked of Phonics videos over and over does not qualify as "other options" where his education is concerned.
School officials say they have no plans to change the name.
Ouch. Well listen Pastor Don, don't despair. If it doesn't work out for you in Georgia, we hear folks in North Carolina are looking for some help.



Seeing Eye Chick said...

Okay, so lets imagine something. What would it look like if the school adopted Jesus as a mascot?

Would there be a real mascot? One of those big furry ones with the mesh eye holes? Can we make it so that it has oozing stigmata, like squirting ketsup packets or something?

And what do you call the team, because that would make it plural:

The Fighting Jesii? Or Yesus!
And the girls: Fighting Jesettes?
{liked the Succubi comment btw}

And what happens when the usual happens and the other teams decide to fefile the mascot symbolically? He's already on the cross with nails driven through him, what more can one do? Turn him upside down? Give him a pink loin cloth?

You see how this might upset other
6th grade dropouts with a divinity degree from Walmart right?

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Man talk about freaken Typos, I need a cup of joe.

I meant to type DEFILE.


Jenna McWilliams said...

I wonder if Pastor Crosby is taking his fight to the appliances aisle at Kmart (Dirt Devils), to the Australian outback (Tasmanian devils), and to the garden center at Lowe's (Devil's walkingstick).

Bob "Melon" Melonosky said...

Good post!

And good comment, Seeing Eye Chick, I'm stealing that idea and writing a bit!

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Good for you Bob! Go for it! And excellent point about Satanic appliances, marsupials, and flora. It just goes to show us, that the Masons have infiltrated every walk of life, spreading their influences on our culture like a disease.

Or was that {fill in the blank of the Conspiratorial New World Order Group of your Choice!}