In Which Tony Perkins Produces An Outcome He Didn't Intend

We're coming to you today from the Department of Theology here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The Department of Theology is located in the Center for the Co-opting of Religion to Suit Your Biases which is part of the College of Thank God Jesus Can't Speak For Himself.

While slooshing the inter toobz this morning we ran across this:

Jesus was a free marketer, not an Occupier

written by well known theologian and leading explainer of "What Jesus Really Meant To Say" Tony Perkins whom-we hasten to point out-is not a bigot according to Bill Donahue, a man who has more experience with bigotry than almost anyone else in the country. We mention this because one of the measures of one's gravitas in the field is the stature of those who vouch for him.

OK, so Perkins explains that Jesus was not an occupier, which would probably explain why he got so upset with the money lenders occupying the temple. Pretty straightforward, except that since the SEC hadn't been invented yet we have to assume the money lenders were in there lending money at totally free market rates, so we have a bit of a conundrum, or as Mr. Perkins might say, something I'll make up stuff about later.

As Jesus was about to enter Jerusalem for the last time, just before his crucifixion, he was keenly aware that his disciples greatly desired and even anticipated that the kingdom of God was going to be established immediately on the earth.

Unfortunately Paul missed that meeting.

The apostle Paul also expected a quick return. Although he apparently never met Jesus, he knew about the promised return, and he expected to live long enough to see it happen. In 1Corinthians 7:29-31 he says that the time is so short that believers must drastically change the way they live.

But we have to assume he did get the memo:

Matthew 16:28, in which (Jesus) says "I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom." Another example is found at Luke 21:32, where he says "I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened." He makes similar statements in Luke 9:27 and Mark 9:1.

Well, it seems we have another conundrum on our hands, but since Mr. Perkins is much more intelligent than Paul was, having graduated from Liberty University with a BS (no pun intended) he knows which of Christ's positions is the right one.

As a way to break the news that it wasn't going to happen in the manner and with the timing they expected, Jesus pulled them aside and gave them instructions by way of a parable. The primary purpose of the parable, which appears in the Gospel of Luke, was to make clear to his disciples that the kingdom of God would not be physically established on the earth for some time and that, until then, they were being entrusted with certain responsibilities. Here's the direct quote from Luke: "He called his ten servants, and gave to them ten minas, one mina each (a mina today would be worth around $225), and he then told them to 'Occupy till I come.' "

Oh Jesus you scamp! Always with the parables. Now, we're tempted (Get it? Tempted. Because we're writing about  religious matters and such. This blog has layers, man, layers!) So we're tempted to say Mr. Perkins is about to tell us Jesus would be for the Occupy movement because he uses the word occupy in his story, but for a guy so close to Jesus he gets a bad taste in his mouth every time the J mans burps, we figure there's got to be more to the story.

No, the Greek term behind the old English translation literally means "be occupied with business."

Right. Which is why Jesus owned a Subway franchise in Judea.

From a spiritual perspective, the mina in this parable represents the opportunity of life; each of us is given the same opportunity to build our lives, and each of us shares the same responsibility to invest our lives for the purpose of bringing a return and leaving a legacy.

Wait. So now you're saying Jesus would support the people in the occupy movement who are investing their lives in bringing about economic justice and leaving a legacy of equality and fairness?

The fact that Jesus chose the free market system as the basis for this parable should not be overlooked.

Really? We're supposed to take the point of the parable symbolically, but the topic literally?  Man! This bible study stuff is confusing. Can we go back to when we just had conundrums?

The third servant in the story had apparently either slept through his economics course or was just indifferent to the work delegated to him. He had essentially kept the capital entrusted to him under his mattress for safekeeping. The employee review is immediate and intense: "Out of your own mouth will I judge you, you wicked servant." The king's disappointment and frustration are nearly palpable. "Why didn't you at least put the money in the bank and draw interest?" the king inquires. While such language might prompt an HR complaint today, its meaning was quite clear to the disciples. There are no excuses for doing nothing.

"There are no excuses for doing nothing." So the big J would have been out there in Zicotti Park. Whew! Thanks for clearing that up Mr. P.

Some would argue that such an approach encourages abuses, the likes of which we have seen on Wall Street. While some egregious abuses have taken place, they are not inevitable or intrinsic to free enterprise.

Gotcha!  And as long as there are abuses, we need to be out there doing something about them. No excuses for doing nothing and all that. You know, you could have just said the in the first place.

Friday Hound Blogging

Well we're officially into the War on Christmas season now and we here in the marbled halls of IM Central want to say that we are full of the spirit of the year. No, not that spirit, that spirit. OK the other spirit too, but that's not our point. What we mean to say is that in keeping with the zeit of the geist we are all about peace on earth and goodwill towards men. Ah, we're more than happy to display some goodwill towards women too, but Mrs. IM keeps us on a pretty short leash in that area.

Now, frequent reader(s) of this blog know that happiness is the drape covering the window of despair...er...we mean know that on FHB days we generally take the overlords to task for purporting to have souls while acting in ways that would make them unwelcome in a neighborhood of scorpions. Not this week. This week in honor of the season we bring you a story of overlord commitment, selflessness and love for their furry charges.

Eleven Greyhounds are in need of new homes, all of them found abandoned outside of a 7-11 in Wichita Falls.

"Abandoned?" Come on. Typical journalistic hyperbole. Always trying to sensationalize the story, huh? We'd bet there's a perfectly legitimate explanation.

"The trailer they were being carried in, a dog trailer had a flat tire and the person had left it there," says Katrena Mitchell, the Animal Services Administrator of the Wichita Falls Animal Service Center.

Ha! What'd we tell you? Flat tire. Perfectly common occurrence. Happens every day. Where's your "abandoned" now Ms. gin up controversy where there is none reporter person? Huh? What do you have to say for yourself?

It was about 36-40 hours before the dogs were discovered when the trailer was being impounded.

There. See? This would be a non-story if you hadn't been lurking around like a buzzard waiting to pounce on the situation and make something out of...uh...out of...did you say 36 to 40 hours? That can't be right. You're making that up. We know, let's hear from the owner. It's just a little bit strange don't you think, that all this drama is being whipped up and no one has let the poor owner have a say. Afraid that will ruin your little controversy, Ms. who cares about the facts reporter person?

"The information that we could gather from the trailer, that the tags came back to an owner or anything, was all a dead end,"Mitchell says.

Oh sure, take the easy way out. Have you considered  the CIA? Have you considered Al Qaeda? ALIENS? A person doesn't just disappear and leave their dogs in a parking lot. These dogs represent years of effort in training, care not to mention money. They're professional athletes for crying out loud. Would you expect to find a bus load of NFL players abandoned in a parking lot by the team owner? Foul play is at work here Ms. ignore the obvious reporter person. Or maybe you want to ignore the facts. Maybe you know exactly what happened to this hapless overlord, but your corporate masters won't let you tell.

There's a conspiracy afoot here Butternut. X Files stuff we're sure.

Butternut is a bouncy, friendly, and very sociable girl who enjoys meeting and hanging out with people and other dogs.  She loves to go for a good walk and also race around in the yard. She will play ball with herself, pouncing on it and picking it up in her mouth. Then she settles in for a good nap. Butternut does fine with other dogs but would probably also be fine as an only dog. She does not like to be crated so would do best in either a non-working home or in a home where she can have free range of the house or be confined a one room with a gate. She would do well in a home with well-behaved children. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

WWJD*

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know increased expectations is the reef that sinks the ship of effort when it ventures from the waters of mediocrity...erm...we mean know that occasionally we like to trot our little heathen heinnies over to the holy side of the inter toobz and see what the community of the saved is up to.

A vote to bar interracial couples from a small church in eastern Kentucky has triggered hand-wringing and embarrassment.

Well, as long as the hands being wrung belong to the same race we should be OK, but here's our question: Since when do churches get to vote on stuff? Admittedly, we haven't been paying a lot of attention lately, but god never struck us as a participatory management kind of guy, you know? 

Nine members of Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church backed their former pastor, with six opposed, in Sunday's vote to bar interracial couples from church membership and worship activities. Funerals were excluded.

Funerals exempted huh? Well, that makes sense we guess. After all, if you're part of an interracial couple and one of you dies, you're not interracial anymore. Problem solved, welcome back to the brotherhood. By the way, god loves you again.

The vote was taken after most of the 40 people who attended Sunday services had left the church in Pike County, near the border with West Virginia. Many members left to avoid the vote.

Well, of course they left. The last thing god wants you to do is stand up for your beliefs. Just ask those guys...whatchamacallits...um...you know...the  guys, you know...oh heck, what were they called? Martyrs, yeah, the martyrs, you know, those guys.

At services earlier this year, Stella Harville, 24, who is working on her master's degree in optical engineering, sang "I Surrender All" with her fiance, Ticha Chikuni, 29, a Zimbabwe native, according to her father. Chikuni, an employee at Georgetown College in Kentucky, played the piano.

Hey, who wouldn't be upset at a couple of college hippies taking over the bandstand. Probably played that rock and roll after they smoked some of the marijuana too.

"There didn't appear to be any problem," said longtime church official Dean Harville said on Wednesday. "None whatsoever." But Harville said pastor Melvin Thompson told him the couple would not be allowed to sing at the church again. Thompson resigned in August but would not drop the issue.

Um...if Pastor Melvin resigned, why does anyone give a corn fart what he thinks?

Thompson told a local radio outlet, "I do not believe in interracial marriages, and I do not believe this (ban) will give our church a black eye at all."

Oops. Pardon us there padre. We didn't realize that religion was all about what you believed. That whole bible and ten commandments guide for living thing must have confused us there for a minute. Oh, and the black eye thing? Shouldn't be a problem if you ignore all the people who stop by to point and laugh.

*Who Would Jesus Dump

Dear Governor Brownback...

We have recently been made aware of your traumatic experience at the hands of Emma Sullivan, whom to all outward appearances seems to be a high school senior, but is apparently a weapons grade Twitter Terrorist. Now, as educational technicians we should tell you that we have on more than on occasion suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous diction from certain elements of the teen aged population and thus our advice comes from a wealth of experience. To wit:

Grow a pair.

See, young people, particularly young people with 140 characters tend not to be overly explanatory in their critiques of various policies and positions, so instead of "I find Governor Brownback's policies to be regressive, ill conceived and patently unfair, more than likely resulting in the exact opposite outcome to that which he intends," you get "Dude blows." Now, while this particular expression may be lacking in nuance, it succinctly contains the author's studied conclusion vis-a-vis your leadership of the state, and since--as we understand it--this particular interpretation of your administration was broadcast to a grand total of 60 people, well, as our old daddy used to say, we feel for you...but we just can't reach you.

Now, you may plead ignorance to the whole thing and say it was your director of communications Sherienne Jones-Sontag, who responded to the Tweet as part of routine media monitoring, but that just makes it seem like you're the type of guy that lets other people fight his battles. Pretty lame Mr. Governor sir, pretty lame. And if you're so concerned about what the media are saying about you that you routinely monitor it clear down to tweets from teenagers, why not just have a contest where you give away something to people who "like" your Facebook page. You'll get plenty of friends that way.

See, here's the thing about insults from teenagers: They have a very short shelf life. It's sort of like you're walking down the street and a car full of kids goes by. One of the occupants recognizes you, rolls down the window and shouts some appropriately inappropriate comment like "Neanderthal," or "Hey Brownie, evolve this!" and almost before you register the comment the carload of now giggling post-pubescents is around the corner and gone, their contribution to political discourse fading away on the breeze, their attention now focused on some new shiny thing because Governor Brownback here's the truth: Teenagers are natural existentialists who emphasize the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe. That hostile or indifferent universe thing, Governor? That would be you.

So you violated the first rule of responding to high school insults which is, don't respond to high school insults, and by so doing, we are sorry to say Mr. Governor sir, you have validated the comment because only someone who truly blows would put up such a fuss over being informed of the obvious. Not only that, but you've managed to drag poor Principal Karl R. Krawitz into the mess causing him to forget the first thing they teach you in teacher school, namely, don't make a rule you can't enforce.

This is well and truly a mess Governor and there is only one way out of it now, which is to punish the snot out of this little girl, thus proving to yourself that you are an upstanding man of principle who demands the respect that he has earned, and showing everyone else that Emma pretty much got it right.  

Your friend,
Ironicus Maximus


PS: As for you Principal Krawitz, given the speed with which you abandoned Emma and rushed to jam your nose up Brownback's butt we pretty much figure you don't have much credibility left to lose, so do what you want, Emma's already learned a valuable lesson from you about adults and trust. 

UPDATE:  Brownback engages in rhetorical ju jitsu, apologizes to Emma. Well played, sir, well played. Krawitz last seen crying in boy's locker room.

Friday Hound Blogging

We're having a little trouble rousing ourselves from the tryptophan induced coma we entered yesterday, so we may not be understanding this completely, but it seems the overlords are starting a tee vee network to broadcast unit exploitation...erm...greyhound racing into every home and hearth with an antenna.

RACING POST is delighted to announce the return of live greyhound racing into homes across the UK and Ireland from mid-December, with the launch of a new three-times-a-week programme.

 OK, now we're not marketing experts or anything, but it seems like you folks have enough trouble convincing people with souls that putting innocent dogs in danger of injury and death so you don't have to get your feet wet in the labor pool  is a valid career choice for someone who is supposedly a member of the human race. You sure you want to show them stuff like this, and this, and this, not to mention this? Not likely to bring people to the track in droves, unless it's with pitchforks and torches. Just saying.

Kevan Moretti, Racing Post’s head of business-to-business services and executive producer for the new programme, commented: “This is a terrific opportunity to help re-energise greyhound racing, and help popularise greyhound ownership.

Well, you might have a point there about popularizing greyhound ownership. When actual human beings see what other supposed human beings are doing to innocent animals for the express purpose of sucking a few bucks off them, they're likely to say, Holy Crap! We have to get those dogs out of there before those heartless bags of wasted protein can hurt any more. That could work.

Hey Beta, ever hear of the law of unintended consequences?

This very playful and affectionate girl will lay her head on your lap and puts her nose in your face to let you know she wants snuggle time. She rolls on her back to have her belly scratched. She loves to be chased around outside. She can be a bit shy at first with new people and situations but gets past it quickly. Hag Beta Girl is also very sociable with other dogs. Hag Beta Girl would do fine in a home with older children. She has had no exposure to children under 12. She is fine with dogs of all sizes. She would probably due well as an only dog as she craves lots of human attention. She does well in her crate so would be fine in a working family. She is a bit shy of men at first but warms up to them quickly. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

What Are You Thankful For, Amerika?

BREAKING: Fox Viewers Dumber Than People Who Live In Caves; In Other News Hot Soup Declared "Hot"

We're coming to you today from the Department Of The Painfully Obvious here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DOTPO is a division of the Lack Of Spelling Ability Should Have Been A Clue Company in partnership with We Don't Need No Education, Inc.

It seems yet another study has shown that when it comes to having a grip on the complex, fast changing events in the world today, viewers of the Fox News Network would be better off blowing up their teevees.

A new Fairleigh Dickinson PublicMind Poll finds that the Sunday morning political shows on television "do the most to help people learn about current events, while some outlets, especially Fox News, lead people to be even less informed than those who they don't watch any news at all."

Now, right off the bat we have to say that if you measure helping people learn about current events by using the Sunday morning political shows, you've already set the bar pretty low, but in defense of Fox viewers we have to at least speculate that their attention is often diverted from the screen because they're are also reading Bill O'Reilly's book.

"For example, people who watch Fox News, the most popular of the 24-hour cable news networks, are 18-points less likely to know that Egyptians overthrew their government than those who watch no news at all (after controlling for other news sources, partisanship, education and other demographic factors). Fox News watchers are also 6-points less likely to know that Syrians have not yet overthrown their government than those who watch no news."

Now that's a pretty unfair comparison there because Fox viewers know there is only one country over in the brown part of the world and it's called Sharia and it wants to blow up all of our MacDonalds and secretly feed us halal until we become Muslim communists. We bet if you asked about some domestic issue Fox viewers would be much better informed, right Megyn Kelly?

Somewhere, Edward R Murrow is trying to hang himself.

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the We Couldn't Have Said It Any Better, Except We'd Never Say Anything That Stupid Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. WCHSIABEWNSATS is a division of the Know Your Audience Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Note To Self, Breathe, NA.

Every once in a while some overlord's brain fires on most synapses for a minute or two and it occurs to them that if their brethren and sisteren are as stupid as they are, there may be a way to take advantage of that. The "advantage" usually takes the form of "Hot Tips," or "Betting secrets of the rich and famous," or "How I made enough at the dog track to afford glass in the windows of my trailer," which, for a nominal sum our occasionally lucid master prognosticator will unleash upon the great unwashed.

Which brings us to Joe, who in spite of his rather simple moniker, is a whiz at eyeballing a winning dog, and because Joe is the type of person he is, will now share the secret to riches and fame at the dog track with those of you for whom cat food is a gustatory step up. Take it away Joe.

The simplest way to bet on greyhound racing is to back a dog to win. Pick one of the six runners and just tell the Tote how much you want to put on. It’s as simple as that.

There you have it ladies and gentlemen, wisdom of the ages laid bare before you. In order to win at the dog track all you have to do it bet on the dog that wins the race. As our Sensei Joe opines, "It's that simple."

You can also back a dog to finish in the top two (called a place bet) but the odds will be much shorter.

Life is truly a wondrous myriad of choices is it not?  You can bet on a dog to not win, but if you do, you won't get as much money because...and here we can forgive our racetrack Sherpa Joe for slipping into technical jargon and say it simply as he would wish--the dog didn't win.

But there are other ways to improve your odds and boost your potential returns. The first of these is called a forecast and it involves picking the winner and the runner-up.

 Do you see now why Joe has made it his life mission to guide us through this labyrinth of options and possibilities? How much more exciting and meaningful is it to "forecast" which dog will win and which dog will not, than only to pick the dog that will win, or pick the dog that will not win? Sweet Jebus and a sugar cone, is there no limit to this man's perspicuity?

If you are feeling really adventurous, you can go for what’s called a trio. This is very similar to a forecast but you select the top three dogs.

No! How can this be? A third option? Joe, our cup truly runneth over. Why, it's almost like you could bet on any dog you wanted.

Don’t worry if you don’t know one end of a dog from another, the Tote offers a quickpick function like the Lotto to help you hit that particular jackpot.

Oh now you've gone too far Joe. It's like you grabbed us as we walked by the track and started stuffing money in our pockets. The Lotto? It's like the Lotto?  Who hasn't hit the Lotto. It's like they're giving away free money huh Larry?

Larry has a puppy-like, affectionate personality and craves attention. He loves to play with toys and go for walks. He is a very bright boy and will be able to learn basic commands with ease. He gets along well with his foster family and the other Greyhounds and cats in the home. Would do well as an only dog as he is very assertive for attention.  He does fine in the crate. He has not had any exposure to children. He has an allergy issue so he will need someone willing to deal with this issue and administer medication. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Shower Rooms! Why Didn't We Think of That?

Well here's a headline we never thought we'd see:

Bishops offer Penn State help to prevent abuse

It appears to be yet another example of, as we like to say around here, ironicus at its maximus.Oh we know what you're thinking, "Come on Ironicus, the best way to prevent burglaries is to hire and ex burglar to head up your security." Yeah. We get that. Trouble is, last time we checked there was nothing "ex" about the fondness of poppa Bene's boys for the prepubescent set...if you get our drift, so we're thinking fox, meet hen house. But let's see what the good folks at Archbishop of New York Timothy Dolan's Club for Overly Friendly Single Men has to say.

The erupting scandal at Penn State brought the horrors of the Catholic clerical sex abuse crisis back into the headlines this month and it made the bishops freshly "bow our heads in shame and contrition," said Archbishop of New York Timothy Dolan, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, at the annual fall meeting in Baltimore on Monday.

Brought back into the headlines?  Dude, brought back from like two days ago? And by the way, one man's bowed head in shame is another's perp walk with your cassock over your head. Just saying.

The bishops, whose policies and secrecy once allowed abuse to fester for decades, set forth in 2002 to create model screening programs and "safe environment training" for abuse protection and prevention.

 Yeah. So how's that working out for you? Not as helpful as the statute of limitations, huh?

Dolan said more than once that the Church is "timid about giving advice," but it stands ready to join any groups that want to take on this society-wide problem.

Groups you should join, groups you should join...hmm...we're thinking NAMBLA padre. What you got in mind?

"We haven't been a good example in the past but we are trying to become one," he said.

In a related story, the vatican announced today that they were starting a summer sports camp for boys aged 9 -12 in the summer of 2013.

This Should Not Be Surprising. We Live In A Country That Puts Chocolate On Its Bacon*

We're coming to you today from the Department of Nutritional Dadaism here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DOND is part of the Now Will You Eat Your Vegetables Company, in partnership with How Do You Like Me Now, Mother That Made Me Eat My Peas, LLC.

It seems that even though our Congress may shy away from daunting tasks like helping people stay in their houses, have a job that pays for more than the gas it takes to get back and forth to it, and not starve to death in the cold after they retire because they're too ill to keep working, they're not afraid to stand up to the powerful broccoli lobby.

In an effort many 9-year-olds will cheer, Congress wants pizza and french fries to stay on school lunch lines and is fighting the Obama administration’s efforts to take unhealthy foods out of schools. The bill also would allow tomato paste on pizzas to be counted as a vegetable.

 "Hey, come on," said one Republican Legislator. "Most of the kids are already fat by the time they get to school. What are we supposed to do? Change their minds? Look. If they're smart enough to evaluate the arguments for creationism and evolution, they're smart enough to decide what to eat."

USDA spokeswoman Courtney Rowe said Tuesday that the department will continue its efforts to make lunches healthier. “While it’s unfortunate that some members of Congress continue to put special interests ahead of the health of America’s children, USDA remains committed to practical, science-based standards for school meals,” she said in a statement.

"Wait. Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing?" Asked one republican legislative aide who asked not to be named. "I thought we were supposed to put special interests ahead of everything. Well, everything except special interests with bigger bank accounts."

Nutrition advocate Margo Wootan of the Center for Science in the Public Interest said “They are making sure that two of the biggest problems in the school lunch program, pizza and french fries, are untouched.”

"That's not true at all," said a republican member of the Agriculture committee who Tweeted his comments from the drive through at Wendy's. "It's not about leaving pizza and fries untouched. It's about making sure none of those nancy-boy dishes get in. Parents! Do you really want your kid eating a salad for lunch? A salad! No wonder there's bullying in school."

A group of retired generals advocating for healthier school lunches also criticized the spending bill. The group, called Mission: Readiness, has called poor nutrition in school lunches a national security issue because obesity is the leading medical disqualifier for military service.

"Oh I hear that,"  said presidential candidate Newt Gingrich. Do you know how hard it was for me to get out of serving in Viet Nam? If all I had to do was be fat it would have made things a whole lot easier."

“This agreement ensures that nutrient-rich vegetables such as potatoes, corn and peas will remain part of a balanced, healthy diet in federally funded school meals and recognizes the significant amounts of potassium, fiber and vitamins A and C provided by tomato paste, ensuring that students may continue to enjoy healthy meals such as pizza and pasta,” said Kraig Naasz, president of the American Frozen Food Institute.

"And not only that, but when you take into account the fat, the salt, the empty calories, the sugar, well, you're looking at solving the social security funding crisis because most of these kids will be long dead before they get to 65. Win win, no?" Naasz added.

*Oh yes we do.

Friday Hound Blogging

Whoa! Friday again already? Man, that time change stuff is BRUTAL!  Fall back, spring forward, daylight savings, standard time, no more GMT, whatever whatever whatever. We'd just as soon stay in bed until you folks get it all straightened out. Or summer. Summer is good. Is it true that they just turn off their clocks in Alaska this time of year?

Well, no matter. It seems that even though approximately 162 hours have slipped by us--through no fault of the good folks at Moscow State Wine Warehouse No. 1, or as we like to call them, Столичная  we hasten to add--it seems the overlords barely noticed America's biannual chronological hiccup.

The Daytona Beach Kennel Club and Poker Room has halted the use of a termite pesticide on its dogs.

Um...excuse us, we must be a bit fuzzy from the recently concluded temporal shift. It sounded like you just said you've halted the use of a termite pesticide on your dogs.

The chapter used a solution of equal parts Termidor, alcohol and water on the coats of the club's dogs as a flea and tick repellent, Donnellon said. Dan Francati, general manager of the Kennel Club and Poker Room, confirmed using the solution.

 "Look, the kennels are infested with termites and the dogs are infested with fleas and ticks," Francati told reporters. "Potato, potahto, that's all. Besides, Termidor is one of the safest insecticides you can have. Well, except for the whole thyroid cancer thing. Do greyhounds even have thyroids?"

Patrick Donnellon, a former three-year employee of the club's Greyhound Pets of America chapter, filed complaints against the club after he said he was fired in September for objecting to the use of Termidor, a termite insecticide, on retired racing dogs' backs.

"Fired is such a negative word," Francati said. "We prefer to think of it as separated for differences in training philosophies. I mean, the dogs are only useful for a couple of years at best. Any health issues caused by dousing them in termite insecticide probably aren't going to show up until way after we're done with them."

Sterling Ivey, a spokesman with the Department of Agriculture, said Termidor is not authorized for use on animals and its use would represent a violation of pesticide-use laws. "Applicators do not have the latitude to take a product labeled and registered for one use and mix it for an unlabeled use, even if the active ingredient is the same," Ivey said in an email. "Products are registered as a formulation, with inert ingredients that may change the behavior of the product when not used as intended."

"Hey. What do you want from me?" Francati said. "It took me three years to get out of tenth grade fer chrissakes. Does that sound like chemistry major material to you?"

 Well, can't argue with the man there, huh KB?

KB is a laid-back handsome boy who is very curious about everything that is going on. You know for sure that he is excited or happy when his right ear sticks up and tips back. KB’s friendly and will come up and lean on his foster parents as well as the other dogs. While looking for attention, he will put his nose in your face. This boy loves food! If someone is in the kitchen, he will follow in the hope of getting some tasty morsels. He would do fine as an only dog in a working family. KB would do fine in a home with children over 10. He has not had any exposure to younger children but would probably be fine depending on their maturity level. Does fine in his crate. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Lie Down With Dogs, Get Up With Fleas Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. LDWDGUWF is part of the What Did You Expect Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Tell Us Something We Don't Know, NA.

It seems overlords all over the world have the same difficulty. Of course when you think that the heartless exploitation and brutal abuse of innocent animals is a career choice, we shouldn't be surprised when certain higher level moral concepts like say, following the rules escapes their grasp. 

Top greyhound racing administrator John McArthur has resigned from the Racing Integrity Unit (RIU) after one of his dogs tested positive for morphine.

We'll give you a minute to recover from the shock of seeing the phrase "greyhound racing" and "integrity" within six miles of one another.

While we're waiting let's take a look at some of the "integrity" in greyhound racing. Here's some, and here, and here, oh and let's not forget here.

OK, got your breath back? Now, aside from the surprising juxtaposition of vocabulary, you're probably thinking overlord, criminal activities, where's the news in that? Well, it seems the Racing Integrity Board of which Mr. McArthur is the erstwhile head is charged with investigating allegations of misdeeds in the racing industry.Yes, the guy responsible for making sure everybody plays by the rules...broke the rules.

That is, as we like to say around here, ironicus at its maximus.

So, you're thinking come on, it can't be that simple. A man can't rise to the exalted position of  Administrator of the Racing Integrity Board with such a gaping flaw in his character that would allow such a deed. There's got to be more to the story.

Well, your first mistake is assuming this man has character, but in the interests of fairness we'll let Mr. McArthur tell his side of the story:

A statement from GRNZ said the morphine found in Miss Gigi's system was suspected to have come from poppy seed in bread.

Oh, why didn't you say so? That's perfectly understandable. Why, the same thing happened to Elaine. Much ado about nothing, huh KB?

KB is a four year old girl who ran her races (all 34 of them) in Florida. Apparently she wasn't even interesting enough to be sent back to the farm to become a baby factory (lucky for her) because she was released to the adoption groups after she came in eighth out of eight in her last race. Here's one of her races. She comes out of box five, gets jostled a bit and finishes seventh.

For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

God Told Me To Take Your Lunch Money

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the true path to happiness is beset by the IED's of circumstance...erm...we mean know that we here in the marbled halls of IM Central call the Water Winter Wonderland our home. Si quaeris peninsulam amoenam circumspice. Represent, yo?

Anyway, like many other states in what's left of this once great union of states, voters here saw fit to elect a full clown posse to the legislature in the last excuse for an election. Now, in defense of our home state we have to say that our clown posse isn't as...well, clownish as some states. That whole zygotes are people thing comes to mind, and no matter what you say about Michigan, at least we're not Alabama.

Of course we're not Vermont either, so when our own duly elected little band of unmedicated certifiables decided to tackle the issue of bullies, what did we get?

Senate Democrats condemned Republicans for gutting a supposed "anti-bullying" bill that passed out of committee with bi-partisan support and turning it into legislation that gives students a license to bully. Under the Republican substitute to SB 137, a bully could continue to harass a student for any perceived bias and simply cite a "moral conviction" as a basis for doing so.

OK, so you can't physically or mentally abuse another person, unless you have a moral conviction? Most states would give bullies a misdemeanor conviction, but you're saying if the bully can find some religious foundation for giving a kid a swirly, that's all right? You sure that's the argument you want to go with? We mean, we're not bible scholars or anything but we're pretty sure Jesus never said  love your neighbor as yourself, unless he's a homo or something, then bust him up.

Democrats attempted to move a more comprehensive bill that would prohibit bullying for any reason, however, this attempt to protect students failed to gain the Republican support needed to bring the all-inclusive Democratic bill up for a vote. Several Democratic amendments to improve the legislation were also defeated by the Republican majority.

 "It's not really bullying if you do it in god's name," said one republican legislator who asked not to be identified.

We're Not Too Keen On Your God, But We'll Take Your Money

OK, according to the great tradition of political debate in these here United States, the democratic party has been thought of as the liberal, tax and spend, create a mommy state, maybe not red but certainly pinko party, while the republican party has been the corporate lapdog, I got mine, blow it up and ask questions later, white's all right party.

So when a proposal is put forward by democrats it can be criticized as another attempt to redistribute the wealth from those who built this country to those undeserving masses who probably don't want to work anyway, and when a proposal is put forward by the republican party it can be criticized as another attempt to keep people down, and institutionalize the policy of privatizing profits while socializing losses.

Of course if none of that seems to be working you can always play the Hindu card.

Gov. Steve Beshear (D-KY) is heavily favored to win re-election in a vote next Tuesday, with leads of roughly 2-1 in all the publicly released polls. Now his Republican opponent, state Senate President David Williams, is launching an attack against Beshear on a new front: Beshear participated in a Hindu religious ceremony!

"I swear I heard Jesus cry," Williams told reporters. "And what's this with  Beshear saying he was just showing respect to the Yogi? I didn't see no bears around there, did you?"

“He’s there participating with Hindu priests, participating in a religious ceremony,” Williams said. “They can say what they want to. He’s sitting down there with his legs crossed, participating in Hindu prayers with a dot on his forehead with incense burning around him. I don’t know what the man was thinking.”

 You tell them Mr. Williams. Doesn't this guy ever read the Constitution? We mean, sure it's not like you can run them out of the country for practicing their heathen religion or anything, but the last thing we need is someone to make them feel welcome. What's next? Hindu temples right here in Kentucky?

“If I’m a Christian, I don’t participate in Jewish prayers. I’m glad they do that. I don’t participate in Hindu prayers. I don’t participate in Muslim prayers. I don’t do that. To get down and get involved and participate in prayers to these polytheistic situations, where you have these Hindu gods that they are praying to, doesn’t appear to me to be in line with what a governor of the Commonwealth of Kentucky ought to be doing.”

Oh you are right as the day is long there Mr. Williams. Why a good Christian governor wouldn't  even walk down the street in front of one of those...wait a minute...polytheistic? You think Jews and Muslims are polytheistic? Uh...Mr. Williams? We're sorry to have to tell you the the Jews were monotheistic when Jesus was still making the sacred Lincoln logs in his diapers, and the Muslims? Well, let's just say Allah don't have no son and holy spirit sharing the bill and leave it at that, OK?

Williams said he was not showing disrespect to Hindus with his comments. “I think you disrespect other peoples’ religion when you go down there,” he said.

Well, can't argue with you there Mr. Williams. One thing's for sure, nothing disrespects a person's religion more than going down there.  Why, if someone were to go down there on us we'd feel so disrespected we be likely to go down there too and have a rather heated word or two with that person. We mean, you just don't go down there and walk away, right? It's like Jesus said to the Pharisees, "Don't you go down there on me boy."

He said he has visited countries that had Hindu ceremonies but declined to participate. “That would be idolatry,” he said.

Amen to that brother. It's just like it says in Paul's epistle to the Corinthians--which is only abut 40 miles from here by the way, stick that in your Hindu abracadabra pipe and smoke it swami--it's like old Paul said to them, "When in Rome, you still a Bubba.

Stay Tuned For A 60 Minutes Special Report On Celebrity Ferrets

We're coming to you today from the Let's Do A Poll Because It's Easier Than Working Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. LDAPBIETW is a division of the We're Running Out Of Ways To Avoid Writing About Real Issues Company, a wholly owned subsidiary of Sarah Palin Didn't Return Our Calls, Inc.

Look, we know writing about things like the economy, world financial crises, income inequality and other issues that, you know, impact people's lives and such is hard. We mean, you have to interview experts, do research, learn new words and all sorts of other complications, all of which interferes with keeping up with Kim Kardashian's tweets. But, come on man, even if you're going to try and convince your boss you're working by putting up an online poll--which is to real polling like nuclear energy is to canned spam--at least put a little effort into making the resulting article not resemble something written for a tenth grade homework assignment. 

Ronald Reagan beat out Franklin Delano Roosevelt as the former president Americans would like to see in the White House during these trying economic times, a new 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll finds. Thirty-six percent of those polled said they wanted the Gipper to lead America out of the economic crisis...

Really? That's your lede? Thirty six percent? When we went to school that meant 64% would have wanted someone else. Almost two thirds, in other words.

Thomas Jefferson came in third place with the support of 14 percent of those polled.

Thomas Jefferson? Really? You made Thomas Jefferson one of the choices on your poll. This is what you learned in Investigative Journalism class? Thomas Jefferson wouldn't know a Credit Default Swap if Sally Hemmings hit him over the head with one.

The poll also found that 68 percent of Americans think Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would make the best Democratic vice presidential candidate if Joe Biden doesn’t remain on the ticket next year.

Well, that's certainly timely and useful information to have. Particularly since Vice President Biden has already said he's going to stay on the ticket. 

Hey, we've got an idea for an Internet poll. It would have just one question: Do you think Internet polls are a big waste of time and reporters use them to keep from doing actual work?

While we're waiting for the results to come in maybe someone could do an in depth story on Dancing With The Stars or something. You know, reporter stuff.

Friday Hound Blogging

This video was too good to pass up. Sorry, they wouldn't let us embed it, but here's a related radio interview Danny and his human did (Danny's the quiet one):



Rescued as a stray in Ireland, Danny and his owner Tony Nevett travel from their home in Northamptonshire to primary schools around the UK. Children then read to Danny to improve their self-confidence and ability.

So, Danny's job is to lie around while kids read stories to him, then have a biscuit. What's that you say  JD? Where do you go to sign up?

JD is a three year old boy who came to us from Florida where he only raced 14 times. The comment on his last races was "collided 1st turn" which probably means he was injured and no longer suitable to suck a buck off of, so the overlords dumped him, thankfully into an adoption program. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

BREAKING: Pope Narrowly Avoids Jew Cooties

In what may turn out to be one of the closest calls of his papacy, Pope Benedict ex vee eye narrowly avoided exposure to crazy rays from members of the whacky pack. You know, those churches that aren't really churches because they lack bingo, and you could search through their Ancestry.com records all you want and there'll be nary an apostle nor a disciple in the lot.

Pope Benedict XVI has invited Jews, Hindus, Sikhs and Muslims to a pilgrimage to the Umbrian hilltop town of Assisi where 25 years ago Pope John Paul II, the Dalai Lama and others spent the day praying for peace amid the Cold War.

 Yeah, well 25 years ago we didn't know how AIDS was transmitted either so we were still letting the homos touch stuff. A lot has changed since Bene got us right with the lord.

Benedict on Wednesday held a pre-trip prayer service for the Catholic faithful at the Vatican, since Thursday's Assisi event — unlike the 1986 edition — won't involve any communal prayers among the different religious leaders.

 Right. Come on, we all know who god's number one posse is. Why you want to put all that static in the channel by letting these holy wannabes talk over PopeMasta B?

Then-Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger didn't attend the 1986 event and disapproved of members of different faiths praying in the presence of one another.

Hey, would you take a bath with your sister? Would you  eat lunch down at the homeless shelter? Would you get naked before altar boy interviews ? OK forget that last one, the point is all your Jesus are belong to us.

The 25th anniversary edition won't involve any communal prayer: participants can pray individually, silently in rooms assigned them.

"We're particularly insistent on that 'silent' part," said a spokesman for the vatican office of Hatin' On The Poseurs. "Have you heard the racket when them Rabbis go at it? Sounds like somebody strangling a cat. And what's up with that rocking shtick? They got some kind of palsy or something?"

In a related story, the vatican announced that Kumbaya had been placed on the Index Librorum Prohibitorum.

Voters? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Voters

OK we get it. We really do. We know that teachers are responsible for the recession, that they're most likely communists because...unions! And they need to be watched every single minute because this whole educating thing? Very dangerous to the status quo...uh, excuse us...democracy. Very dangerous to democracy.

So how is it that this particular teacher is still allowed to walk the streets like a citizen or something?

The teacher who heads up New Smyrna Beach High School's student government association could face thousands of dollars in fines. Her transgression? Helping students register to vote.

Yeah. We know what you're thinking, what are these kids doing in a student government association when they should be in a test prep class? FCAT is coming don't you know? No, not that FCAT. This FCAT. But let's set that aside for the moment and examine how this viper came to strike at the breast of the Florida Public School system.

When Jill Cicciarelli organized a drive at the start of the school year to get students pre-registered, she ran afoul of Florida's new and controversial election law. The new rules require that third parties who sign up new voters register with the state and that they submit applications within 48 hours.

Well of course it does. You think we want just anybody out there telling people they can vote?  Is that what they're teaching in Civics classes these days?

Republican lawmakers who backed the rules said they were necessary to reduce voter fraud.

"You'd be surprised how many people will say they're going to vote for you, but then when they get in that booth, go ahead and vote for someone else," said one republican lawmaker who declined to be identified.

Fear of violating the new rules prompted the League of Women Voters to suspend voter registration efforts in Florida. Local political activists in both parties have been similarly stymied, Volusia County Supervisor of Elections Ann McFall said. "It's bizarre," McFall said of the law. "I haven't found one person who likes this law."

"I like it,"said Florida governor Rick Scott who signed the law. "How long do you think I'd be in office if I let everybody vote?"

Shannon Miller, a 17-year-old senior who serves as co-president of the student government association along with classmate Crystal Merrick, said she was glad she had the chance to register at school. She wonders how many of her peers will participate if the process is too formalized. "It may discourage some students (from registering) if it's more difficult," she said. "We're more apt to get involved, but (some students) won't go to the trouble if they think it's hard."

"What's your point?" Scott asked.

Supporters said it was necessary to prevent voter fraud, though elections supervisors like Volusia County Supervisor of Elections Ann McFall said they haven't had a problem. "I don't see it," she said in a telephone interview last week from her office in DeLand. "I truly don't see it."

"Oh, like the County Supervisor of Elections would know about fraud going on in her district," said state Rep. Dorothy Hukill, a Republican from Port Orange who backed the bill.

"There are reasons for the law," said Hukill. "Part of the reason is to protect people like (the students), so they know they're being registered properly."

When asked how someone could be registered to vote improperly Hukill referred reporters to the local Democratic Party Headquarters. "Every voter they register is improper in my view," she added.

For the students involved in the voter registration drive, the incident has proven an unsolicited lesson in real-life civics, New Smyrna Beach High Principal Jim Tager said.

"Grab power any way you can, and when you get it, do everything you can to keep the other side down." he said. "Is it any wonder why kids don't trust adults?"

In Which Ironicus Clears It Up

You know why we're doing this?

This is why:

By all accounts, Mark Lindquist is a hero, an underpaid social worker who nearly gave his life trying to save three developmentally disabled adults from the Joplin tornado. Both houses of the Missouri legislature honored Lindquist, the Senate resolution calling him "a true hero and inspiration to others." The tornado's 200 mph winds tossed Lindquist nearly a block, broke every rib, obliterated his shoulder, knocked out most of his teeth and put him in a coma for about two months.

Now, despite what Eric Cantor, Herman Cain and republican debate audiences say,  we're pretty sure everyone with a beating heart larger than a raisin and a degree of empathy just a tad greater than a European paper wasp would agree that this guy could use a little assistance. Especially if you're an insurance company whose job it is to step up during catastrophic events and help people get back on their feet. Right?

But he has no medical insurance. Lindquist couldn't afford it on a job paying barely above minimum wage. He assumed workers' compensation would cover his bills, but his claim was denied "based on the fact that there was no greater risk than the general public at the time you were involved in the Joplin tornado," according to a letter to Lindquist from Accident Fund Insurance Company of America, his company's workers' comp provider.

Wrong. "...there was no greater risk than the general public at the time you were involved in the Joplin tornado." What does that even mean? Oh wait, we know: We're not covering your claim even though you were severely injured while performing your job (above and beyond the call of duty we might add) because, well...Bonuses!

Lindquist's survival defies logic. After the storm, rescuers found Lindquist buried in rubble, impaled by a piece of metal. Large chunks of flesh were torn off. Bones from his shoulder crumbled as they placed him on a door used as a makeshift stretcher. He was later delivered to Freeman Hospital.

A spokesperson for the Accident Fund complained that by surviving Lindquist had "really screwed up the actuarial tables" and had filed his claim at a "most inconvenient time" right at the close of the quarter when Profit and Loss statements were due. "Very little consideration was shown to the Accident Fund by this claimant" read a statement from company headquarters.

Doctors told Baldwin that if Lindquist survived, it likely would be in a vegetative state. Even in a best-case scenario, he likely would be blind in one eye, never regain use of his right arm, and never speak or think normally, she was told. Things got worse. Debris that got into the open sores caused a fungal infection, one that killed five other Joplin tornado victims. Lindquist overcame the fungus but remained at Freeman until June 16. Still in a coma, he was flown to a hospital in Columbia for a little over a month before being sent to a rehab center in Mount Vernon where he awakened.

Michael Britt, President of the Accident Fund told reporters that, "by refusing to die when all reliable medical opinion  had declared him a lost cause, Mr.Lindquist was obviously trying to take advantage of the generous workers comp programs offered by our company."

Jahn Hurn, CEO of Community Support Services, said the agency has asked Accident Fund Insurance to reconsider Lindquist's case. Insurance company spokeswoman Stepheni Schlinker said she could not discuss an individual claim or whether the company would reconsider.

"We're banking on a setback," Schlinker told reporters. And even if the guy does make it, he's so banged up he'll probably never work again, so what are we supposed to do? Support him for the rest of his life? Can you imagine what our investors would say to that?"

#occupy. Any questions?

Friday Hound Blogging (Thursday Edition)

Busy, busy, busy here in the marbled halls of IM Central. And not just because of the closeout sale down at the local adult beverage emporium either. How does a liquor store go out of business anyway? Is that even possible? Shouldn't there be TARP funds available? Anyway, we anticipate no interruption in the Stoli flow as the adult beverage emporium across the street from the soon to be defunct adult beverage emporium seems to be adequately stocked.

No, the reason for our madcap hustlebustle is the burgeoning conference season, a favorite time of year when we get to jet off to exotic cities, commune with our fellows and come up with new and innovative ways to skip out of sessions. In fact, even as we despoil the pristine innocence of the blank page with our desultory scribblings we are also preparing for a rendezvous with our local TSA naked machine. It occurs to us that Christmas parties must be a real hoot at TSA headquarters (Look at this. I bet this guy's nickname is stubby...Dang. Talk about top heavy. How does she do that without a back brace?)

But we digress. On to the overlords. We're coming to you today from the Blood From A Turnip Department. The BFAT Department is part of the When You Got Nothing, You Got Nothing To Extort Company, in cooperation with Like I Have A Reputation To Lose, LLC.

The man federal prosecutors say threatened to damage Gov.-elect Earl Ray Tomblin's reputation pleaded not guilty to an extortion charge Tuesday. Harry Marshall Rae, who used to be involved in the dog racing business, allegedly tried to blackmail people with ties to the industry.

Reputation? Dude. Do you even know anything about this Tomblin guy? Him worrying about losing his reputation is like Donald Trump worrying that he might miss his hair appointment.

Unless he received money, Rae threatened to release videos he said would damage the reputation of the greyhound industry and Tomblin, whose family breeds and races the dogs, according to a federal criminal complaint.

 Clearly Mr. Rae, you have not thought this through. You're going to damage the reputation of the greyhound industry? That's like saying you are going to walk through a city that has just had nuclear devastation rained down upon it and break a few windows.

But the videos Rae said he had were shot in another state, so it's unclear how they would have directly affected the reputation of greyhound racers here, including Tomblin's mother and brother.

Yeah, "unclear" is probably a word that could be worked into a lot of descriptions about Mr. Rae. But here's our question, if you got embarrassing videos of overlords in another state, why didn't you just go black mail those overlords?

Rae lives in California, but his cased was moved to West Virginia.

OK, so the guy lives in California, which is not a racing state. He gets embarrassing video from some other state that is not West Virginia, then tries to convince the Tomblin family in West Virginia they're going to be embarrassed unless they give him money. A criminal genius this guy is not, huh Boss?

Boss is a three year old guy who ran his races (all 119 of them) in Florida. Here's a clip: Boss comes out of the number eight box and finishes sixth.

For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Friday Hound Blogging

Wooo Weee! Do you know what time it is? No, it's not Howdy Doody time. Quit dating yourself. Although, come to think of it, that was a rather fine time, wasn't it? It's Howdy Doody time, it only costs a dime, to make your booty shine. We may not be remembering the lyrics quite correctly.

Where were we. Oh yeah. Overlords.

It's that time of year again when the overlords gather in that shining jewel on the Kansas plain, Abilene to throw their shoulders out of joint patting themselves on the back for making it through another year of inflicting brutal exploitation, unnecessary pain and suffering and pitiless deaths on the world's oldest breed of dog, the companions of kings, the inspiration for untold works of art and literature, the greyhounds, or, as they like to say it, suck a buck off a pup.

And who better to chronicle this august gathering than our good friends at the Abilene Reflector Chronicle Telegraph Press Gazette Times Tribune News Journal Post Dispatch this year featuring Tim Horan, sports editor because in the interview the publisher asked everyone how many quarters in a football game and his answer was the closest. Take it away editor Tim!

Bigger was expected and bigger it will be. The National Greyhound Association’s fall meet, which starts Monday and runs through Saturday in Abilene, will have about twice as many greyhound entries as last spring’s meet.

 Oh, we're back baby! Twice as many greyhounds. How you like us now animal rights wackos? This has got to mean people flocking to the tracks like lemmings to the sea...er...like moths to the flame...no...winos to the liquor store fire...ah forget it. It means greyhound racing is getting popular again, right editor Tim?

Gary Guccione, NGA’s executive director said a change in format last spring allowing all of the entries to compete in the finals is in place this fall. Traditionally, a greyhound had to finish in the top three to make the finals. This fall greyhounds running fourth through six will also compete on Thursday and Friday.

OK...um...you changed the rules so more people could come, and more people came. That's your big news? That's the lede? Come on editor Tim! Give us the real story, like how many overlords successfully completed their probations, or how many overlords prematurely sold their dogs and turned their kennels into meth labs when the Florida legislature passed the decoupling bill.

Kenneth Biehle of Thorndale, Texas, entered 90 greyhounds, the most of any participants.

"It's like the lotto," Biehle said. "I figure I got to have me a winner in there summers, and if not, well, let's just say all 90 dogs won't be going home with me if you get my drift."

Oh we hear you Mr. Biehle. We know you run a tight ship. Angling for your own spot in the greyhound hall of fame just like that there Vince Berland feller, huh?

Wednesday night, Greg Fast, a greyhound owner from Burlingame, Kan., will be honored at the banquet.

"Does that mean I don't have to pay for a ticket?" Fast asked.

"What? you think we're made of money?" Guccione responded."Do you know how much dues money we lost when all those breeders turned their kennels into meth labs?"

Probably a fair amount huh TJ? But on the bright side, at least those folks have a more respectable vocation now.

TJ, aka Lola is a very sweet, quiet little lady. She has a beautiful brindle coat, and we received many a compliment when out on walks. She loves to chase a ball, and run laps in the backyard, but prefers to lay on her pillow when inside. She has been out of her crate for over a year now (she sleeps on a pillow on the floor in the master bedroom) and we have had absolutely no accidents or problems with her. She is a "shadow" dog once she gets to know you, and prefers to be in the same room as you. She has very expressive eyes, and gives you that "puppy dog" look almost every time she looks at you (which makes her very hard to resist!).  Lola would be absolutely wonderful for a family with older children, or a couple with another dog. She would not do well with a single owner who isn't home for most of the day, or a family with younger children who are looking for a dog to actively interact with them. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Deep Thoughts From Ironicus Maximus

If you take part in Jesus Ween does that make you a Jesus weenie?

Simplify Your Message Or We're Going Back To Following Sarah Palin Around

OK so we're just a little confused about the media's obsession with wanting the Occupy Wall Street protesters to have a "coherent message." They do have a coherent message, it's economic justice for all, the problem is making that happen is going to be complicated and require action on several different fronts. But hey, complex problems require complex solutions, you know? Well, you would know, unless you're a CNN correspondent.

Anyway, we don't recall this much consternation over the Tea Baggers' message. Apparently "Get the Government out of Medicare" qualifies as a coherent message. Shoot man come on, those people don't even have coherent spelling.

And speaking of shoot, we'd like to respond to congressman Cantor's "concern" about the "mobs" on Wall Street: Dude, we'd much rather go to a demonstration where people are walking around with bongo drums than one where people are walking around with guns. But that's just us.

On The Bright Side, The Demand For More Trailer Parks Will Probably Create Jobs

Ah, democracy. What other system of government lets the people decide what elected representatives should focus their energies on, then provides support through taxes to fund those policies that have become, by popular definition the common good.

Of course some people's definition of what should be common because it's good is a little different.

The council near the end of its 70-minute meeting heard the first reading of a proposal to amend the ordinance the city’s governing body previously adopted putting in place the Uniform Public Offense Code developed by the League of Kansas Municipalities. The council is expected next week to consider the proposed changes, which would include repealing the part of the code that bans domestic battery.

OK, so the first thing we're thinking is that if you make domestic battery legal Cops will never film in your city again. Plus, according to several leading economists, repeal of the ban would not appreciably affect the sale of men's undershirts.

The city attorney’s office says the repeal would force Taylor, who said Sept. 8 he would no longer prosecute misdemeanors committed in Topeka, including domestic battery, to start prosecuting that crime again. Dombrowski told the council her mother always told her two wrongs don’t make a right. She said repealing the part of city ordinance banning domestic battery would be “the second wrong” after Taylor stopped prosecuting those crimes.

Now, let's make sure we understand this. Even though, at the present time, it's illegal to punch out your spouse, the city attorney isn't prosecuting those cases anyway?  We thought only bankers could decide what laws they wanted to follow.

Mayor Bill Bunten responded that everyone on the council supports punishing those who commit domestic battery. He also said that if anyone thinks those who commit domestic battery will go unpunished here, “they’re dead wrong.”

"Course some of you will be just plain dead," he added. "But hey, you think we got some sort of nanny state going on here? You really want government in your bedroom. Or your living room, or your front porch, or wherever it is you're getting the crap beat out of you 'cause you made runny eggs again?"

Councilman Chad Manspeaker urged the public to contact the city governing body and the district attorney’s office to share ideas to resolve the matter amicably. “I think the public needs to have some input as to what happens with this,” Manspeaker said.

Oh Councilman Manspeaker, how quaintly naive of you. "The public needs to have some input..." That is so twentieth century.

Friday Hound Blogging

We're in a really good mood today. It's almost 80 degrees here in the Water Winter Wonderland, which, if you know anything about Michigan at all means you know that October is sometimes equal parts rain, followed by snow, followed by sunny days with the wind out of the north at just below hurricane velocities resulting in a wind chill temperature somewhere north of solid nitrogen, followed by snow until April.

So rather than bring you another installment of the overlords ongoing tale of woe, we thought this might be more appropriate given our undoubtedly temporary state of meteorologically inspired jocularity.

Bergen Community College is helping spread the word about how former racing greyhounds can make great pets. The college hosted its seventh annual Greyhound Adoption Day on Sept. 27, with support from the Greyhound Friends of New Jersey (GFNJ).

Who says all college students do is smoke dope and listen to the rock and roll? Oh wait, that was us. We have no idea what college kids do today. Well, except for these college kids who appear to have decided to make a difference.

The event ties back into the school, with English as a second language students producing reports about greyhounds and the school's graphic designers creating T-shirts that are sold with proceeds benefiting GFNJ.

 Ha! Making a difference and getting credit for it. Are these kids smart, or what?

"It's a way to educate the students, all the community really, because this goes out to the community and people from outside the school can come and learn about greyhound adoption. The more people that know about it, the better," Harold Kahn, a greyhound lover and professor in the American Language program at the school said. "Even if they don't adopt a dog now, at least they know about, they may tell their friends, and years down the line when they're thinking about getting an animal, they'll give a dog a home."

Paying it forward man, paying it forward.  We bet you wouldn't mind being adopted by some of those folks, huh Autum? Even if did mean living in New Jersey.

Autum is a beautiful girl and a wonderful companion. She is very outgoing and likes to be where you are. Autum entertains her foster family by standing at doggie toy basket and squeaking each toy, one by one, until the basket is empty. She also likes to hang out with the foster family’s greyhounds. She is friendly with any size dog, and was good friends with toy breed dogs in her previous home. Autum would do well in a working family home with second dog to keep her company or in a family that has someone home more often. She is good with older, well-mannered children, 8 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Suffer The Children To Come Unto Me, And I Will Wail On Those Little Buggers

You know, when we were little Ironicii one of the ideas the nuns beat into our heads (sometimes literally) was that without religion the world would degenerate into a pitiless, desolate wasteland where the strong preyed on the weak, no one could be trusted and life was cheap. Sort of like recess we remember thinking.

The point is, the civilizing power of religion was one if its strongest selling points in their view. It occurred to us that this civilizing function's mechanism was the threat of eternal damnation to lakes of fire and worms in your eyes, which didn't sound all that civilized to us, but we refrained from pointing out this apparent contradiction to the nuns as our addled pates had already had enough ideas beaten into them.

We bring this up because it appears that when it comes to religion bringing out the better angels of our nature, some folks' pates are apparently even more addled than ours.

A gay Gibson County couple said they were assaulted when they tried to attend church services at the Grace Fellowship Church in Fruitland last Wednesday.

Yeah, yeah, gay couple going to church in Fruitland. We saw that, but come on, some jokes are too easy even for us. And by too easy we mean we're too lazy even to make the joke, we just point it out and expect you to do all the work. Thank you. And now back to our story.

"I went over to take the keys out of the ignition and all the sudden I hear someone say 'sick'em,'" said Gibson County resident, Jerry Pittman Jr. Pittman said the attack was prompted by the pastor of the church, Jerry Pittman, his father.

 Now that's just about 17 different kinds of weird right there. Dude's a pastor and he sends his posse to thump on his very own son? What is this, the Church of Coming Upside Your Heathen Head for Jesus?

"My uncle and two other deacons came over to the car per my dad's request. My uncle smashed me in the door as the other deacon knocked my boyfriend back so he couldn't help me, punching him in his face and his chest. The other deacon came and hit me through my car window in my back," said Pittman.

OK we're thinking family gatherings have to be kind of strained in the Pittman household.

Friday, the couple filed assault charges against Deacons Billy Sims and Eugene McCoy. Pittman pressed additional charges against his father and Deacon Patrick Flatt. Pastor Pittman's attorney contacted ABC 7 Eyewitness News by phone and said she had no comment and demanded we not contact the pastor.

"Pastor Pittman is a man of god," the attorney said. "He believes in loving his neighbor, forgiveness and turning the other cheek, and if you question his commitment to our personal savior Jesus Christ and the ten commandments,  he will mess you up."

Alabama! Motto: Hey, What If We Just Made It Illegal For Tomatoes To Rot?

Dagum reality. Always a gittin' in there a gumin' up the works when yer a tryin' to restore southern culture to its rightful place  'cause them Yankee carpetbaggers done come down here after the War a Northern Aggression a bringin' all them new fangled ideas, like laws are for everybody and black folks don't need to be out of town by sundown.

A sponsor of Alabama's tough new immigration law told desperate tomato farmers Monday that he won't change the law, even though they told him that their crops are rotting in the field and they are at risk of losing their farms.

"Now lookie heah boy, I don't like the wet backs any more'n you do, but I got me a crop a termaders to get in. You think anybody that speaks English gonna work for what I pay?" one exasperated grower asked.

"My position is to stay with the law as it is," Republican state Sen. Scott Beason told the farmers.

"You know how long it took me to write that thing?" He continued. "All them whereasses and heretofores, you think they just popped up? Jesus man, there's even some Latin in there. I don't know what it means, but it sure sounds important. My nephew put it in there for me. He went to high school you know. The whole six years."

After talking with farmers at the tomato shed, Beason visited the Smith family's farm. Leroy Smith, Chad Smith's father, challenged the senator to pick a bucket full of tomatoes and experience the labor-intensive work. Beason declined.

"I can not believe you just asked a white man to do that," he said.

The U.S. Justice Department, civil rights groups and others have challenged the law. U.S. District Judge Sharon Blackburn allowed major portions of the law to take effect Thursday. The opponents asked the judge Friday to put the law on hold while they appeal her ruling. Attorneys for the state filed court papers Monday asking the judge to leave the law in effect during the appeal.

"This is gonna take a fair passel o time," Judge Blackburn said. "That's a whole wagon load a readin' there and not a pitcher in the lot, jus' words. And that Latin! Lord only knows what that stuff means."

Yeah, That'll Turn Out Well

Yay! The Michigan Legislature has now solved all the social and economic problems in the state. Well, except for one...us. Now they've turned their attention to colleges and universities, well, universities mostly because that's what you do when you run out of poor people and union members.

In an era of government reinvention, Michigan universities should be in for close scrutiny along with every other taxpayer-funded operation in the state according to Rep. Robert Genetski, R-Saugatuck.

Well, every tax funded operation in the state except the Legislature, that is. Nothing to see here. Hey, look over there! Unions!

There is growing frustration with the cost of college education in the state and country. The proposed commission would be doing the state a service in taking seriously the mandate to “analyze the operation ... of state universities.”

Umm...Mr representative sir? Bobby? May we call you Bobby? We agree there is a growing frustration with the cost of college education in the state, but...ah...how to put this politely...State support for higher education in Michigan has decreased dramatically over the last several decades, leaving universities in the state with gaps in funding that threaten the quality of the educational experience.  Since 2001, state budget cuts have reduced the amount of money universities get per student by over $2,500, resulting in 2008 state funding for public universities that is almost $442 million below the amount appropriated in 2002 (plus inflation).

So the biggest reason the cost of a college education has gone up is, well, basically you. See, because when the legislature takes money away from public schools they have to find it somewhere else. No need for a commission to figure that out. Just ask the folks in Indiana, Ohio and Minnesota:

At the same time that Michigan has been "dis-investing" in the future, other states have been investing. A recent article in the Lansing State Journal, "State higher ed funding lags, while others invest" (pdf) explains how other mid-western states like Ohio, Indiana and Minnesota have increased funding to support their colleges and universities as a way to stay competitive.

 Oh man, Indiana? You see that Bobby? Indiana! Maybe you should send your commission down there to figure out how they can beat us with an economy based on corn and pork rinds.

It doesn’t take an advanced degree to recognize the problem. Michigan’s universities could stand to be studied more closely. The Legislature should undertake that study in a responsible way, one that recognizes the vital importance of an affordable college education to Michigan’s future.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! See what Bobby did there? It "doesn't take an advanced degree..." He made a funny on the fact they he wants to investigate universities which give out "advanced degrees," which apparently he doesn't have. Not that you need one you know.  Not when you have accomplishments like being a member of Right to Life and the National Rifle Association, which, we guess, means if you tell him you're pro-choice he'll shoot you.