You Can't Make This Stuff Up. We Tried

As you might surmise from the title of this blog, we often go rafting through those frothy ripples that make up white water on the river of life in the early 21st century.

You might surmise that, but you'd be wrong. Mostly, we just make stuff up. OK. OK. We may start with our kayak in the reality based lagoon but we much prefer "creative nonfiction" to--and pardon our language here--reporting.

That being said, every once in a while we run across a little backwater of reality so astoundingly bizarre that even here in the marbled halls of IM Central we have to slap our palms to our foreheads and say, "You've got to be kidding." This past weekend we innocently floated into just such a swamp.

Tom DeLay, last bastion of Congressional ethics, Darth Vader's evil twin and defender of the brain dead did, in fact, pull the plug on his own father in 1988. "The situation faced by the congressman's family was entirely different than Terri Schiavo's," said a spokesman, "DeLay's father was too old to campaign for the Congressman. And besides, we weren't in trouble with the Ethics Committee back then and didn't need the diversion."

There were, however, similarities: Both stricken patients were severely brain-damaged. Both were incapable of surviving without medical assistance. Both were said to have expressed a desire to be spared from being kept alive by artificial means. And neither of them had a living will. "Look, a spokesperson for DeLay said, "the Congressman didn't make the Schiavo crisis. He's just taking advantage of it, that's all."

So what did the grieving Congressman do after the death of his father? Filed suit against Midcap Bearing Corp. of San Antonio and Lovejoy Inc. of Illinois, the distributor and maker of a coupling that he said failed and caused the tram his father had been riding to become uncontrollable.

Yes, that's the same Tom DeLay, who wants to end these types of lawsuits by controlling trial lawyers and protecting American businesses from "frivolous, parasitic lawsuits" that raise insurance premiums and "kill jobs." He is an outspoken defender of business against the crippling effects of "predatory, self-serving litigation." On the House floor he attacked trial lawyers whom he said, "get fat off the pain" of plaintiffs and off "the hard work" of defendants. "You should have seen the cut those vultures took out of my 250K," DeLay told a reporter.

DeLay cosponsored a bill specifically designed to override state laws on product liability such as the one cited in his lawsuit. When asked about the apparent contradiction at a press conference, DeLay replied, "Look. You think I can afford to run a campaign based on contributions from ordinary citizens? Corporations. That's where the money is, and I can't do good if I don't get elected."

Aides for DeLay defended his role as a plaintiff in the lawsuit, saying he did not follow the legal case and was not aware of its final outcome. "He stayed drunk most of the time," an aide said. "I don't even think he remembers cashing the check."

Friday Hound Blogging

Well well well, let's see what the overlords have been up to this week. Two executives at a New Hampshire Greyhound track who have been indicted on illegal gambling charges have lost their jobs. Sort of. They were "suspended with pay."

"The layoffs had to do with the management and operation of the track and were no reflection on their guilt or innocence," a track spokesperson said, "as soon as the heat's off, we'll bring them back.

Meantime in Iowa, Louis Roden gets high on racing, but his dogs are just high. "Hey. I can't watch them all the time," Roden said, "you know what the crowd that hangs out around a race track is like."

Yeah. We do. Now let's meet one young lady who won't be hanging around a race track any longer, More Candy:


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Candy is very outgoing, energetic and puppy like. She is just learning how to play; she likes to carry the toys around the house. She starts to lick her lips and slurp when she gets excited. She also tends to jump up on people when she gets excited. (Her foster mom is working on this.) She is happy, friendly, and very affectionate. She always wants to be touched and petted. She can be a little vocal when she is excited. She tends to calm down when she it getting pets. Her foster mom says she has an inside voice and an outside voice (inside is more whiny/ yappy, and outside she sounds like a Great Dane). For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Of Course With A Special Exemption For Y'all

What is it about Virginia? (Motto: Wanted: Properly dressed, well spoken Christians for LTR. King James Version only) It's got to be the best place to live in the country because all they have to worry about are baggy pants, non-Christians and now, people who don't speak English.

A Republican delegate says he will force a floor vote on his bill to designate English as the official state language if a House committee rejects his legislation. "I don't care if the bill ain't got the support it needs," Delegate Pat McDonough said, "We're gonna try and get this bill voted on through an amendmerman or ammendation, or a, whadeva ya call those things, because we think the House of Delegates needs to go on record about whether they want people to talk good English."

House Deputy Majority Whip Shirley Nathan-Pulliam, who immigrated from Jamaica is one of the bill's opponents. She said it will oppress newcomers to the state. "I believe it's divisive mon," said Mrs. Nathan-Pulliam, "We been thinkin' there is no immigrant out dere that doesn't want to learn de English."

Mr. McDonough said his bill is "pro-immigration" and is designed to encourage people to learn English. "Look, my daddy spoke English and so did his daddy before him and his daddy before him. All the way back to the plantation. Now my great great ma maw Hildy Mae used to teach English to the slaves.

Now we're just providing a little incentive like ma maw used to do, 'cept we don't have a whip. OK so we're not really providing 'incentive' incentive. We're saying learn English or get out. That's sort of the same thing."

Henry P. Fawell, spokesman for Gov. Robert L. Ehrlich Jr. would not say whether the governor would sign the bill. "We ain't read the thing yet, so I got no opinion."

Delegate Gareth E. Murray described the bill as an "onion. When you pull back the layers of this bill, you will find stuff to oppress brown folks," he said. "Brown folks and hillbillies I mean."

"Onion. Ha. That's like a metaphor or something isn't it? Mr. McDonough said. "See how great English is? Why would anyone want to not talk like us?"

To exemplify his belief that English is the best language in the world, McDonough read a poem that he had composed himself:

Give me your subjunctives, your infinitives
Your compound subjects yearning to breathe free
The double negatives of your teeming shore
Send these dangling participles to me
I lift my gerund beside the past perfect tense.

Hi. I'm Al. As In Et Al

Man. Sometimes we think our old professors were right in their evaluation of our intellectual capabilities. Especially when we read something like this. Why didn't we think of that? State Senator Richard Colburn, has the right idea. College is hard enough without having to deal with all those stress inducing details like writing papers.

Here's a poor working stiff trying to balance attendance at all the frat parties and attendance at all the fund raisers in the legislature. Plus trying to find out who sent a sexually harassing e-mail with one of his supporter's name on it. "It had to be more than just ironic that we traced it back to a U.S. House of Representatives office building," Colburn said. "Those guys got sexual harassment down. Have you read some of their stuff. That Tom DeLay, he's a hoot, he wrote this poem about headlights, ha...well...er... forget that. I never asked anyone over there to write anything for me."

Gregory Dukes, a former legislative aide, says he wrote five papers for Colburn for two sociology courses. "He told me we could share the degree. You know. When I was applying for a job I could use it, and when he ran for governor he could use it."

Colburn denies the allegations, saying he wrote the papers longhand and gave them to Dukes to type because he does not know how to type or use computers. "Hey. I'm a legislator," he said, "All that new fangled technology stuff like computers and typewriters is what I have assistants for. Oh. Was that a good thing to say? Anyway, it's his word against mine," he said. "We're talking about a disgruntled employee. He's mad because I didn't give him first shot at the sexually harassing e-mail. I would have, but man, have you ever read a Hastert limerick? Dukes couldn't touch that guy with a ten foot...well you know. Ha. Maybe I'm not such a bad writer after all."

Dukes provided copies of draft papers, notes, e-mails and faxes to support his allegations. One note is handwritten from Colburn to his aide, and it describes a sociology professor's direction in writing a term paper.
"Gregory -- I talked to Dr. Alston (Assistant Professor David Alston) about a term paper comparing the plight of Native American (Indians) on reservations in America vs. that of Jews in concentration camps in Nazi Germany. Dr. Alston states that he felt such a paper would be too complex. He stated to just read this chapter and try to read and quote from other authors," the note said. It is signed, "Thanks, Rick."

"OK so it's my word against his and those notes," Colburn said, "I'll prove I wrote the paper right now. Ask me about Native Americans. Ask me anything and I'll answer it. Native Americans. Those are the indians, right?"

Ronnie Holden, vice president for administrative affairs at the University, stated that Colburn is no longer enrolled and said the withdrawal came after Dukes submitted the complaint. But Holden cited student confidentiality laws and would not comment further. "We can''t tell you if he withdrew because he couldn't tell us the titles of those papers, but when we asked him how many pages he had written he said 'I'm outta here.'"
"Even if Dukes' allegations are true and he wrote papers for Colburn on state time, that probably does not constitute a legal violation," Assistant Attorney General Robert Zarnoch said, because lawmakers have wide latitude in the tasks they give their employees. "You should see some of the things these guys have their assistants doing," he continued, "It would curl your hair."

Plus You Never Know When Bambi Is Going To Get Body Armor

Around the marbled halls of IM Central, Sundays are usually reserved for quiet contemplation, reflection and preparation for the upcoming week. That and looking for vodka bottles that still have a sip or two left in them.

Depending on when that search is abandoned, we may turn our attention to 60 Minutes to see if any of the broadcast fossils have expired in the intervening week. Such was the case last Sunday when the octogeneric show broadcast a story on 50 caliber rifles.

Our first thought was Wow! Where can we get one of those? "You just have to have a credit card and clear record, and you can go buy as many as you want. No questions asked," said Florin Krasniqi, the gun dealer interviewed in the piece. OK, so that lets us out.

Dang. But there's still hope for our neighbor down the street. The one who runs out of his house at night and shines a flashlight up into the sky to catch the Black Helicopters.

Not everyone is excited about these guns. The Illinois Legislature is trying to ban them. Luckily, even in Illinois (Motto: Why shoot someone from a mile away when you can walk a little a stab them?) there are those who will stand up to protect our right to military grade weapons.

"There isn't a single person in the United States that I know of who has been killed by one of these firearms," said Todd Vandermyde, an NRA lobbyist in Springfield. "What a sad state of affairs that is in this supposedly 'free' country. No wait. I mean let the people decide if the long effective range along with high energy and availability of highly effective ammunition such as API and Raufoss M213 allows for effective operations against targets like radar cabins, trucks, parked aircrafts and so on in their neighborhood. No, I mean...Oh, I had a point there somewhere, but it's gone now."

New York City Police Commissioner Ray Kelly had a sharpshooter fire the department's own .30-caliber sniper rifle and the bullets bounced off a half-inch-thick plate of steel. Then, the marksman fired the .50-caliber sniper rifle, and the bullets blew right through the steel plate.

"Can you imagine what a blast that would be at parties?" Vandermyde stated. "It can also be used against planes and helicopters. Much more manly than those wimpy lasers the girlie men are shining into cockpits now. Wait. I think I lost my point again."

So now we know who found the half empty Vodka bottles.

Hey Smiley Face, Let's See Your Green Card

Wal-Mart Stores Inc. escaped criminal charges by agreeing to pay a record fine of $11million to end an investigation into its use of illegal immigrants to clean floors at stores in 21 states. Lee Scott, Jr., Wal-Mart CEO said he planned to pay the fine as soon as his secretary returned from lunch. "She has the key to the petty cash drawer."

"We are satisfied that this is being settled as a civil matter," Wal-Mart spokeswoman Mona Williams said. "Despite a long, thorough and high-profile investigation, the government has not been able to pin anything on us. And if you don't think that cost us a pretty penny, you've got another think coming," she added.

Williams said no executives or mid-level managers knew the contractors had hired illegal immigrants. "Hey. They go home at five, you know? What happens after that is outside of their control."

Lawyers for some of the workers say they worked as many as seven days a week, were not paid overtime and did not receive injury compensation. "Funny story there," Williams said. "We told them if they went to the hospital, the Immigration agents would get them. What a bunch of rubes. Most of them didn't even know the doors were locked and they couldn't have gotten out anyway."

Michael J. Garcia, assistant secretary for U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement said a third of the workers have been deported to their home countries. "We feel justice has been served," he continued. "We kicked out only the ones who got bad employee evaluations."

Friday Hound Blogging

OK, here's a pop quiz: When is a dog not a dog? Stumped? When it's in Kansas (Motto: Damn Dirty Apes). Yes, the good folks of Kansas have decided that greyhounds aren't dogs because they weren't bred to be pets, they were bred to be profit centers for their human overlords.

NGA Executive Director Gary Guccione said that the exclusion had been in effect for decades for a number of reasons, the most significant of which are that greyhounds are not bred for sale as pets, and that greyhound breeding farms are already regulated and subject to inspection by the National Greyhound Association (NGA), the Kansas Greyhound Registry and the Kansas Racing Commission.

When questioned on the matter of inspections, Guccione admitted that farms are notified in advance of inspections and the NGA inspector is actually one of the breeders hired part time. "We did want to hire him to be a full time inspector," Guccione continued, "but he has a bit of a drinking problem."

"The current system isn't broke, so we don't think it needs to be fixed," Guccione said. "Besides, if something goes wrong and we lose a few dogs...er..units, there's always more where they came from."

Let's meet this week's "unit" Haven's Jupiter:


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Jupiter is very easygoing, happy. He is very affectionate and will approach and put his head in your hand for pets. He will sit in a very polite way until you stop petting. He loves to play with his toys and loves to throw the squeaky ball around the room. He is a “love sponge.” He wants to be loved, touched and cuddled all the time and he loves to be near the foster mom all the time. He loves to play with toys and in the yard. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

GM Promises To Name Their New SUV The Caribou

ANWR. Before the neighborhood went bad. 
We've felt for years that those millions of migratory birds, caribou, three species of bears (polar, grizzly and black bears), Dall sheep, muskoxen, wolves, arctic and red foxes, wolverines, and the rest up in ANWR were getting a free lunch from good old Uncle Sam. There they were, just wandering around on their 19.6 million acre wildlife sanctuary while we picked up the tab for protecting them.

Well, yesterday the Senate closed the buffet. Welcome to the ownership society sanctuary where you get as much sanctuary as you can pay for. What's that you say Mr. Caribou? Can't work because you don't have any hands? Tough break. Keep your head down so you don't bump the pipeline.

"This project will keep our economy growing by creating jobs and ensuring that businesses can expand," President Bush said in a statement. "And not only jobs for my oil compadres," the president continued, "but also for all those botanists, zoologists, biologists and them other brainy types who will be up there categorizing all the species we're destructifcating and extinctifying. It's like a full employment bill for eggheads."

The oil industry has sought for more than two decades to get access to the oil. Or maybe not. But there's 10.4 billion barrels of oil up there. Or, maybe not. But America needs whatever oil is there. Or maybe not. OK. OK. But at least we can drill up there safely, Well, maybe not.

Democrats accused Republicans of "an end run" by attaching the refuge provisions to the budget instead of the energy bill. "It's the only way around the filibuster," countered Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska. "Besides, when you're trying to do something ecologically unsound, economically inconsequential, and ethically suspect, you're expected to bend the rules a little."

When asked if he expected any negative political fallout from his constituents back home as a result of his vote, Stevens, replied, "I doubt it. Muskoxen can't vote and no polar bear ever contributed to my campaign."

I AM the Congress, Bi Otch

Truth be told, another politician being investigated, or indicted, or arrested in a motel with a former White House reporter named Bulldog doesn't light many candles around the marbled halls of IM Central. It's sort of like watching C-Span with the sound turned off. Pretty boring, plus it makes it impossible to play drinking games.

Unless the politician in trouble is Tom DeLay, Darth Vader's evil twin, and drinking game mother lode. ("Democratic vendetta"--one drink; "partisanship"--one drink; "Conspiracy"--chug) DeLay is, once again, in trouble, or maybe still in trouble, we're not sure.

"We want to work with the ethics committee to prove how baseless these and other allegations are," said DeLay, "especially since my dawg Hastert bounced that punk Hefley out of the Chairmanship."

DeLay has been at the center of troubles before, most recently last fall. Those investigations resulted in committee letters of admonishment to DeLay in cases involving fund-raising; practices, to which DeLay responded "Hey. Send me all the letters you want chump. I got the scratch and it has soothed my itch, know what I'm saying?" Several Republicans on the Ethics Committee replied "Word."

Another incident involved lobbying a Republican House member to change his vote against the Medicare drug benefit bill. Responding to this charge at a recent press conference Representative DeLay characterized the incident as "a little friendly lobbying. We told the dude if he didn't get his mind right he wouldn't make it out of the lobby."

A third investigation was the result of his effort last year to use the Federal Aviation Administration to find Democratic Texas state legislators who flew out of their state to stall action on a DeLay-inspired redistricting plan. "My posse needed some backup," DeLay told a reporter.

All the lawmakers who have worked with DeLay in the past, speak to the press only on condition of anonymity. "The dude is whack, man. I don't want him all up in my grill about this. He's jus' as soon bus a cap on you. Know what I'm talkin' 'bout?" one Senator explained outside the Ethics Committee meeting room. Several Republicans on the Ethics Committee replied "Word."

When asked to comment on possible outcomes of his latest appearance before the Ethics Committee DeLay replied, "Cain't touch this."

News Is A Four Letter Word

It seems the popularity of The Daily Show has caught the attention of the White House. They've brought Karen Hughes back to head up their own fake news division. Not that they weren't into the whole fake news thing before, as presidential press secretary Scott McCllelan said at a recent press briefing that was not attended by fake reporter Jeff/Jim Gannon/Guckert, "Facts sometimes have their own agenda which is not in agreement with the goals of this administration."

In a burst of lucidity, Government Accounting Office Comptroller General David M. Walker wrote to the heads of federal agencies on Feb. 17, saying that "prepackaged news reports that do not clearly identify their source as the government violate a federal ban on covert propaganda."

"It is not enough that the contents of an agency's communication may be unobjectionable," Walker wrote. "They also have to be somewhere in the general vicinity of the truth. At least in the same zip code for Chrissakes. What I'm saying is you guys have to quit making this stuff up."

"Oh Yeah. Like We're going to tell the American public what really goes on around here," retorted McCllelan. "The president hasn't lived in the real world for over twenty years. Why should we?"

'This is more than a legal issue. It's also an ethical issue and involves important good government principles, namely the need for openness in connection with government activities and expenditures," Walker shot back."

"Oh blah blah blah," McCllelan answered. When queried about the legality of the fake news by long time White House reporter Helen Thomas the Press Secretary responded, "Want some falafel Helen."

"Look," McCllelan continued, "Steven G. Bradbury, principal deputy assistant attorney general at the Justice Department, said that the department's Office of Legal Counsel, not the GAO provides binding legal interpretations for federal agencies to follow. And yes I know that's the same Justice Department that OK'd torture and outsourcing prisoners for torture so don't even go there all right?"

Later in the briefing McCllelan announced that the Easter Bunny was going to go on a six city tour to help sell the president's social security reform plan.

Scope It Out

About the only thing that could bring us out of a fog in biology class was the phrase "secondary sex characteristics." Well, that and coming up with another excuse to talk to Barbara Bennit. Ah, Barbara. Now that's a story. Unfortunately one with a sad ending.

We tell you this to establish our credentials in the ongoing debate over evolution that is taking place in 19 states. Yes 19, and we know what you're thinking, but they're not all in the south. One is Minnesota (Motto: Our state begins with the same letter as Mississippi and Moron) Actually it seems credentials are not a prerequisite, which makes this a perfect subject for us.

The battle, it seems, has recently gotten more heated as creationist groups, taking their inspiration from the president, have become more vocal. The president mentioned one day that the the jury is still out on evolution. This is the same president who claims that there is no global warming, air pollution is harmless if you're rich and you can find your way out of a forest by looking at what side of a tree the moss grows on.

Well, what he actually said was, "I know I can't be descended from a monkey because I don't like bananas. Never have." That would be progress, Southern Baptist minister Terry Fox said, because "most people in Kansas don't think we came from monkeys." He went on to explain that most people in Kansas thought they came from Illinois, but weren't really sure because it was really foggy that night and they weren't driving anyway.

"What we would like to foment is a civil discussion about science," said Stephen C. Meyer, who believes evolution alone cannot explain life. "And when we've given equal time to the evolutionists so that they may speak and we may identify them, WE'LL ROUND THEM UP LIKE THE DOGS THEY ARE AND SHIP THEM TO CAMPS IN ALASKA AND THEN THEY CAN TALK ABOUT THE DEVIL ALL THEY WANT AND PARTICIPATE IN THEIR BLASPHEMOUS SCIENCE UNTIL THEY DIE AND THEIR SOULS BURN IN THE ENDLESS LAKES OF HELLFIRE THAT AWAIT THEM. AND THOSE FEMINISTS TOO! I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud?"

Bypassing the work of a 26-member science standards committee, the Kansas board of education's conservative majority recently announced a series of "scientific hearings" to discuss evolution and its critics. "But we don't need those gosh darn scientists getting in our way," said the board's chairman, Steve Abrams. He is seeking ways for students to "critically analyze" the evidence without being swayed by all that "fossil this and strata that and carbon dating the other thing."

Fox, pastor of the largest Southern Baptist church in the Midwest said, "If you can cause enough doubt on evolution, liberalism will die. Oops. I mean then we'll have a free and open conversation in this country. Yeah. That's the ticket."

Friday Hound Blogging

And what a week it's been for the fastest dog on the planet. The overlords scratched out a partial victory in Florida, but now face more problems in New Hampshire, due to the fact that, apparently the track uses the same company to do background checks on employees that the White House uses to approve credentials for reporters.

Elsewhere Arkansas (Motto: We're like Florida, only without the old people) passed a bill to allow expansion of electronic games at dog tracks. "The bill would not allow games of pure chance, such as slot machines, but only games where some skill and analysis is involved." Like analyzing if you've got enough money left to pay the rent, or if you can go one more round before your wife finds out where you are.

But it is Friday and time to find a home for another rescued racing greyhound, who was lucky enough not to be born in Florida or Arkansas. Meet UBet Da Steelers:


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Steeler is very loving and affectionate. He loves to cuddle and will turn to putty in your hands when he is petted. He chatters his teeth when he gets excited. He is curious, intelligent, and happy; his tail always wags. He is playful and enjoys playing with toys. He loves looking out the window. He is definitely enjoying retirement life and loves to spend time in the yard. He does the “5 minute madness” in the home after having fun in the yard, as if to share it with this foster family. He loves to be petted and hugged, but does not give kisses. He smiles often. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Why Don't We Just Start With Homo Free Zones?

A while back we told you about Delores Jackson, an old school chum of ours who took issue with us on the playground after school because we had targeted her little brother at dodge ball. Truth be told, he was a little slow and we did have a wicked arm back in those days.

Anyway, Delores didn't see it that way and impressed her opinion upon us with the back of her hand. And the front. And probably the side too, but we tell you this to point out that Delores wasn't a bully. At least not the kind these legislators in Iowa are trying to control.

Well, were trying to control until Sen. Paul McKinley found out the bill would also protect the homos. McKinley said he's all for safe schools, but said he doesn't agree with including a list of specific groups to be protected. "I mean come on," the Senator said at a news conference before he hosted WWF's Smackdown in Corn Town in Des Moines, "If we start saying you can't beat up the homos, then we'll also have to say you can't beat up the nerds, or the poor kids, or the cripples. Pretty soon you won't be able to look at another student without getting in trouble, let alone stuff them in their locker."

Not all of Senator McKinley's constituents agree with his strategy though. "I happen to be a lifelong, rabid Republican who has a gay daughter," said Ted Coppock, a Des Moines businessman. "When she went to school at Saydel High School she was faced with these issues. There were many times when she came home from school crying because she had been harassed or bullied."

When asked how he coped with the situation, Mr. Coppock replied that he bought the school and expelled anyone who had picked on his daughter. "The free market solves another problem," he added. "Maybe we could just pay the homos to move to Nebraska."

Now there's the kind of compromise I can get behind,," Senator McKinley exclaimed when told of Mr. Coppock's suggestion, "No pun intended by the way," he added.

Sometimes You Act Like A Nut. Sometimes You Don't

Regular visitors to the halls of Ironicus Maximus (Hi mom!) will recall that each Friday we feature rescued racing greyhounds looking for permanent homes due to the fact that they are no longer profit centers for the human overlords who suck their meager existence from the speed and endurance of the world's oldest breed of dog.

Last Friday we mentioned that in a desperate effort to keep from having to go out and get real jobs, the overlords were trying to pass a law that would allow slots to be placed at greyhound tracks in Broward and Miami-Dade counties in Florida.

Well, the votes have been counted and it looks like the good people of Miami-Dade county said get a job, while the folks over in Broward county said it's OK with us if you leech off the dogs, then dump them, as long as we can sit in air conditioning and lose our pension money.

The greyhound track that is about to receive the benefits of the yea vote is Hollywood Greyhound Track--yes that Hollywood (soon to be renamed Hallendale. Motto: We Need Your Money). As a service to the greyhound betting public in Broward county--at least those who can read--we offer a little tour of the establishment you are about to waste your savings on:

Long ago, the Hollywood track was a magnet for glitterati. Damon Runyon presented the raceway's first trophy 70 years ago. For decades, this place lured the likes of actor William Holden and sex bomb Jayne Mansfield. In its prime, it drew a half-million people each season, and even ten years ago, it was pulling down $65 million in live wagering a season. Attendance, however, collapsed during the 1990s. It now attracts fewer than 100,000 a year and took in a paltry $11.8 million last season.

Hmm...From 500,00 bettors to less than 100,000 in ten years. Well, you can only look at Jane Mansfield so many times without makeup, and isn't Damon Runyon one of the guys on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy? But let's move on:

The Hollywood track has drawn the scrutiny of federal prosecutors. A half dozen people were sentenced for a tax evasion scheme at the track that patrons and tellers contend took millions of dollars from federal coffers. Some tellers testified that illegal shortcuts are a way of life when it comes to betting the dogs at Hollywood.

Illegal shortcuts a way of life? We're shocked we tell you shocked! Let's ask one of the track regulars how this could be:

Warren G. Miller was a familiar sight at the Hollywood Greyhound Track through most of the 1990s. Toting a plastic bag filled with odds and ends, the Jheri-curled middle-ager shuffled around the betting parlor looking like a homeless man. With his top front teeth missing, he had a drooling problem and wiped his lips frequently with a handkerchief. Even so, Miller stood out from the down-and-out gamblers for only one thing: He was a key player in a scheme to bilk the IRS out of hundreds of thousands of tax dollars. Federal Judge Jose Gonzalez sentenced Miller to 18 months in prison and ordered him to pay the IRS $442,000 in restitution. The judge also meted out jail time, fines, and probation to a half dozen tellers for their part in the so-called ten-percenting scheme. The case reveals a deeply entrenched culture of fraud and greed at the track.

Oops. Guess we asked the wrong fellow. Our bad. But he looked so knowledgeable, so professional. Well, there was the whole teeth thing, and the speaking in tongues, but we thought it was just some kind of good luck ritual. Not that luck has anything to do with betting on dogs. It's a science you know. Most of the patrons have spent years in apprenticeships and intensive study. Let's meet some of them:

Roberto is a twig of a man with dark, rheumy eyes, caterpillar eyebrows, and a droopy face ripped from a Dali canvas. The few teeth remaining in his top gum are jagged and slightly skewed. His thick Italian accent makes him a bit difficult to understand. Despite myopia that borders on blindness, his mind is a handicapping machine. He asked that his last name not be used.

Roberto is a retired Nuclear Physicist who once worked on the Manhattan Project. Or so he says between swigs of his forty. Here's a friend of his:

Mike, a hulking Bulgarian with missing teeth who declined to give his last name. Mike has been betting the dogs for 23 years and at one time even owned greyhounds. He sits close to the TVs and mingles little during the 14-race live meets. "He's going to take a shot in the mouth one day, in the face," Mike says.

Sports was always about the camaraderie, the playful banter amongst the participants, the assault and batteries. Oh look, there's Stefo:

Stefo moved to Miami in the late 1950s and was introduced to dog racing when he took a job as a driver for a wealthy European who had a penchant for the dogs. He had a series of petty run-ins with the law -- excess parking tickets, expired license plates, some bounced checks -- and usually gravitated to the seamy side of life. In the 1960s, he recruited actresses for the makers of hard-core stag films.

Ah, sports and entertainment coming together under one roof. What synergy! It's like MGM merged with Nike, right Larry:

At 83 years old, Larry rarely misses a day or evening of racing. Today, like most days, he wears brown polyester pants, a baby-blue zippered coat, a plaid cotton shirt, and a "Hollywood Greyhound Track" hat. His yellowed white socks droop around his ankles. Everything he's wearing is overdue for laundering by a month or so.

Well, Larry's the bohemian type, which just goes to show greyhound racing has something for everyone, and a future so bright, those associated with it have to wear sunglasses, right Mr. Berg?

Howard Berg, once an announcer at various South Florida tracks and now a director of marketing at the Hollywood facility, recalls million-dollar nights and crowds of 10,000. Still, Berg is hopeful. He points out that children have been allowed at the track since the 1988-89 season, thanks to the Florida Legislature. "There's the future, to expose them to racing," Berg declares.

Let it not be said the Florida Legislature isn't one of the most forward looking in the country. What other legislative body, charged with the well being of the people who put them in office would have the foresight to see that letting children watch animals be exploited wouldn't be good for the economy. And they can learn about chemistry too:

Hollywood had one of the state's most egregious cases of dog doping. During a frenzied week in January 2003, four dogs trained by Kenneth Purdy took first place in their races. Winners are routinely tested, and the analyses turned up cocaine derivatives in the dogs' urine.

And recycling:

Down here, they used to take the dogs to the Everglades and gut them so there'd be enough blood that the gators would get 'em," contends Michelle Weaver, who with her husband operates Friends of Greyhounds in Sunrise.

So there you have it good people of Broward country, the 18% that turned out to vote, but particularly 82% who decided they'd rather make the early bird special at Denny's. The next time an overlord takes a load of dogs on a one way trip to the Everglades, I'm sure he'll be thankful that you chose the Grand Slam instead of the ballot.

And Then He Invited Them All To A Strip Club

Is anyone really surprised that Oscar Goodman, the Mayor of Las Vegas would say something like this to a bunch of fourth graders? Come on, it's Las freaking Vegas for crying out loud. Don't you people read the papers? When a student asked Goodman about his hobbies he replied that "drinking" was one of them.

Really?

Goodman was at the school with other special guests to read to the students as part of Nevada Reading Week, but as he was too hammered to read, launched into the desert island scenario instead. George Ann Rice, associate superintendent for human resources for the Clark County School District, said if a school employee made similar comments disciplinary action would have been taken.

"It would be the Time Out room for him," she said, "And a possible loss of recess privileges too. This is very serious."

The Principal said the fourth graders didn't seem to pay attention to the mayor's gin and drinking comments. "And when someone talks about drinking they think 'juice' anyway," she said.

Yeah. Right. OK, who's more out of touch here? The Mayor, or the people at the school? The Mayor thinks he can last indefinitely with a limited supply of gin when what he clearly needs is a still, and school officials think when kids say they are going to get "juiced" they mean raid the fridge for some Sunny D.

On The Bright Side, She Wanted Naturally Curly Hair

Confession time. When we were in fifth grade we had the snot beat out of us on the playground after school by Delores Jackson. Apparently we inadvertently offended one of her siblings in gym class with a dodge ball. Three times.

Truth be told, Delores had 20 pounds and a few inches on us, but that didn't matter as word spread the we had been beaten up by a girl.

So it should be no surprise that we read about this incident with a certain what if fascination. Of course there were no such things as Tasers back in the day, nonetheless we have a very clear mental picture of how Delores would have looked flopping on the ground like a fish as 50,000 volts arced across her fillings.

Back to the present though, according to the article, the 15 year old who got zapped was "apparently" acting in an aggressive manner. "Apparently?" We're not experts in law enforcement, but aren't police trained to recognize aggression, say, as opposed to teen angst?

She made a face at me and I thought she was going to spit, said police officer Won Chau. Turned out she just had gas, but how was I to know? She'd already called the principal a jerk so I knew she was capable of anything.

School officials supported the police action, calling the incident "unfortunate.'' Interviewed in his office after detention period, Principal Les Moonves said, She had a body piercing. Probably did drugs too. She was out of control. Did you hear what she called me?

After reviewing a school video of the incident as well as information downloaded from the Taser that indicated the number and duration of stun charges, police Sgt. Lorne Rosand said it was clear the use of the Taser lit her up like a Christmas tree. What if she tried to run away, Rosand stated, In just a matter of seconds she could have been out of range and office Chau would have had to chase her.

Roseville Area High School has an extensive system of security cameras according to Principal Moonves. We want are students to feel safe, he commented. Well, except for the ones we try to electrocute that is.

Friday Hound Blogging

The planet makes its seventh spin and we once again release the hounds. Fans of this blog (mad props to you mom!) will recall that this is the day we feature rescued racing greyhounds, who, having failed to please their human overlords have been cast out with only the collar on their necks.

Greyhounds have been much in the news lately (if you happen to live in Florida) because the overlords want citizens to allow them to place slot machines at their tracks The reason for this is no one is coming to the races anymore and they think they can keep their seedy operations going a few more years if they get the slot machines.

This in unfortunate for the dogs who, always an afterthought when not racing, will become even more of a nuisance as money flows to the slot rooms. Slots are a respirator for this brain dead industry. Time to pull the plug. Even the governor knows that.

Vote is March 8. Keep your fingers crossed. Now meet this week's featured hound, EF Eddie Boy:

. 
Eddie is very affectionate, lovable, outgoing, and playful, but not hyper. His foster family has nicknamed him “Mr. Personality”. He's a real lover. He likes to cuddle, lean his body against you, rub his head against you, and give kisses. He enjoys playing with toys. He has an average energy level for a greyhound, but gets excited when people come inside. He settles down well and sleeps most the time. Eddie loves full body massages. He “talks” to you buy crying (when he wants petting or to go out) and he wraps himself around you when he comes inside. He longs for affection. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Four Score And Seven Years Ago We Didn't Have Sensible Shoes

Ah, Democracy. Reasoned debate, thoughtful discussion, consensus, compromise. It's little wonder why we are a beacon to the world when we have examples like Representative Jim Gibbons, of Nevada.

Speaking at a Lincoln Day celebration he dedicated his remarks to the "brave young men and women who are serving on the front lines" in what he termed World War III. He later corrected himself and said he meant to say World War three, not World War eye eye eye.

Mr. Gibbons (no relation to Hylobates moloch)
speculated on what the 16th president might be thinking were he alive today. Well, Mr. G. could it be:

"With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan..."

No? How about:

"The dogmas of the quiet past, are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise -- with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew, and act anew. We must disenthrall ourselves, and then we shall save our country."

Not quite? Maybe this:

"That I am not a member of any Christian Church, is true; but I have never spoken with intentional disrespect of religion in general, or any denomination of Christians in particular."

No way you say. OK. You tell us Mr. Gibbons:

"It was not movie stars but soldiers and sailors that defended freedom in the deserts of Iraq, the jungles of Vietnam, the sands of Iwo Jima and the beaches of Normandy."

Umm...They didn't have movies back then. Besides, what about Ronald Reagan? He made movies during the Second World War.

"I say we tell those liberal, tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie, tie-dyed liberals to go make their movies and their music and whine somewhere else," Gibbons said to another burst of applause. He said that they are the same people who wanted to go to Iraq and become human shields for the enemy. "I say it's just too damn bad we didn't buy them a ticket," Gibbons said.

Reagan wore Birkenstocks? Well, President Reagan's footware aside, a historically accurate extrapolation of what Lincoln might be thinking were he alive today should probably give old Abe the last word:

"Neither let us be slandered from our duty by false accusations against us, nor frightened from it by menaces of destruction to the Government nor of dungeons to ourselves. Let us have faith that right makes might, and in that faith, let us, to the end, dare to do our duty as we understand it."

Hmmm...Guess they didn't have Birkenstocks either back in those days.

Throw Down The Teddy Bear And Step Away From The Big Wheel

This country is becoming more and more dangerous. We're not talking about the threat of terrorist attack, or random violence on the job, or even the president's social security plan. We're talking about roving bands of third graders.

Three third graders were playing with a spray can of Mace on the playground when it went off, causing fumes to land on three other students. Police responded quickly and cordoned off the block. After a tense standoff, the three came out of the girls bathroom after the officers shut the light off and made scary sounds.

The 10-year-old who brought in the can was charged with having a weapon on school property.Joseline Perez, her nine year old accomplice and driver of the getaway trike, said the canister of Mace fell out of her friend's pocket when they were on the playground. She thought it was perfume, she said, and as she picked it up, it discharged toward the ground. Another accomplice, who has so far eluded police with tracking dogs, then sprayed it into the air, according to the girl's attorney.

Perez and her friends were handcuffed together, side by side. "I felt real scared." Joseline said. When she got to the police station, she said, she cried because "the policeman told me I had to stay in lockup until I stopped acting like a little baby."

The school district suspended the children for five days, and they face disciplinary hearings, which could result in their being removed from the school. "Our policy is to be safe rather than sorry," said Principal Jack Blackstrap. "You never know what's going through the heads of these immigrant children. Half of them don't even speak English very good."

This isn't the first time Philadelphia police have averted a tragedy. Earlier this year, a 10-year-old girl who brought scissors to school, but did not attempt to run with them was handcuffed and taken to a nearby precinct where she admitted to a series of bank robberies after she was told she wouldn't have to go straight to bed with no supper. Her mother, however, has taken away her television privileges and she has to come straight home after school. "And she can gosh well forget about the sleep over at Jenny Claven's house this weekend too," according to her father.

Abort Iron Eagle. Abort Abort!

Yesterday we wrote about Representative Sam Johnson's offer to personally intervene in the abandoned hunt for WMD's by single handedly piloting an F-16 to Syria and depositing a pair of nuclear calling cards on their hiding place. Mr. Johnson did not explain how he came by knowledge that apparently slipped by every other intelligence gathering office of the government, or why he waited so long to make his offer, but no matter, we are now able to say that this brave patriot need not risk his life because WE HAVE FOUND THE WMD!

Representative Johnson, please, put that flight suit back on the hook. The WMD aren't in Syria. They're on eBay.

We're sure intelligence agents all over Washington are smacking their foreheads with the palms of their hands and going Of course! It's so obvious! What better way to disperse an arsenal, and turn a tidy profit in the bargain.

Now Representative Johnson can get to Washington and get this country back on track. Mr. Johnson, can you help us with marriage?

The primary responsibility of marriage in the family is parenting.

Brilliant. Now, how about a hand with Social Security?

So many things have changed since (1935). People are living longer and having fewer children.

Brilliant. Umm...wait a minute. Should people who aren't carrying out the primary responsibility of marriage be rewarded with a guaranteed income as they live out their longer, childless lives?

Let's face it. The Massachusetts Supreme Court made their own law. San Francisco's Mayor made his own law. County officials in New Mexico made their own law. Liberal elitists all across America want to subvert the will of the people by dismantling the time-honored tradition of marriage and all that it stands for.

Oh, so that's what you mean when you say the primary responsibility of marriage is parenting. But couldn't a same sex couple be parents?

Sadly, same-sex marriage has become a high-priority issue. Immediate intervention at the highest level of national law must be taken if we want to stop activist judges and pandering politicians out for personal gain.

Got it. So which category do you belong to? Oh wait. You're not a judge are you?

This Is Iron Eagle To Base, Come In Base

In these troubled and complicated times it's good to know that our elected leaders approach their responsibilities with a clear headed seriousness.

Leaders like Sam Johnson, a Republican from Texas who has personally volunteered to fly an F-16 to Syria and nuke the WMD's he is sure are buried there. We have to assume Mr. Johnson is serious too, because he told the story at a veterans’ celebration at Suncreek United Methodist Church in Allen, Texas, on Feb. 19, and before that to President Bush and Rep. Kay Granger (R-Texas) on the porch of the White House. We figure he had to be sober one of those times.

That pesky Saddam. That's so like him to hide WMD's in Syria. Just like we used to hide Playboys under our brother's bed. Until we found the ones dad had hidden behind the furnace that is.

There's no fooling Representative Johnson though, (who probably had much better hiding places for his Playboys) and to show he's a man who's willing to stand up for what he believes all he asks from the country he loves so much is a couple of nuclear devices, some jet fuel and a compass.

That's our government. Making the world safe for democracy, one Arab country at a time.

Friday Hound Blogging

Today we turn our attention from the triumphant return to Europe by Bush and his retinue to matters of great import, namely, finding homes for rescued racing greyhounds.

We have been asked on occasion why we refer to these dogs as "rescued" racing greyhounds. "Are these dogs in some sort of danger?" queries our innocent interlocutor. Is Sponge Bob a homo? we reply.

Basically the dogs have three choices when they can no longer serve the greed of their human overlords: Death, being sold for research, or adoption. If the dogs are injured, they may not even get the chance to be sold into research, let alone adopted. It's lights out buster, we need your crate for the next profit center.
So, meet this week's escapee, Miz Jerzey:


Jerzey is a little shy in new situations. She is friendly and likes affection. She is easygoing and quiet. She is starting to play and get into things that she thinks are fun. She is very expressive with her ears. She holds her ears funny; she holds one straight up in the air and one folded forward – kind of like a donkey. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you want to know more about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Don't Make Me Use This Thing

Ah, school days. Passing notes, shoving little Eddie Debeviak into his locker, throwing spit balls, shooting rubber bands into Elizabeth Arlen's poofy hair. Who knew that was a felony?

Apparently not13 year old Robert Gomez who finds himself neck deep in the criminal justice system because he "tossed" a rubber band on his teacher's desk. "Tossed?" Robbie, baby, you need some technique. We prefer the index finger pull back ourselves, but the modified thumb and forefinger release also has its advantages.

Apparently Gomez's lack of knowledge of rubber band release technology averted a tragedy, but ever vigilant, the school slapped him with a 10-day suspension for threatening his teacher with what administrators say was a weapon. Well, no wonder. People can go into a Staples and buy whole boxes of rubber bands without even so much as showing their driver's license. It was only a matter of time before one of those things got into the wrong hands. Just remember folks, rubber bands don't kill people. People kill people.

They said if he would have aimed it a little more to the left, actually tried to shoot it rather than toss it, and if he would have gotten it closer to the teacher's face, and if she would have sat perfectly still, or maybe leaned a little closer, and maybe let him try a couple of times too, he would have hit her in the eye. If she had taken her glasses off.

Gomez is being punished for a Level 4 offense -- the highest Level at the school. Other violations that also receive level 4 punishment include arson, assault and battery, bomb threats and explosives, pulling Jenny Waker's hair at recess, and calling the gym teacher gay, according to the Code of Student Conduct.

"We don't sit still for any of the street punk action here," said Principal Waylon Bitteroot Jr., "and it's not because he's Mexican either. He'll get a fair hearing before the Board. Just like the colored kid did. What was his name? Used to go here a year or so ago. Got caught with a whole box of paper clips in his desk."

Hope I Die Before I Get Old

Everybody knows old people are a problem. If it weren't for old people we wouldn't have the social security crisis. Young people are a problem too, but at least they can be thrown in prison or executed. Old people because they're, umm...old, tend not to run afoul of the law that often.

Still, because they're old and tend to break down a lot and it costs money to keep them alive, but since they can't work they don't make money and need programs like medicaid to pay for keeping them minimally healthy.

Who pays for this? We do. People too young to need it and too old to worry about being thrown in prison for taking a sleeping pill.

The old people maintenance cost creates quite a dilemma for legislators who are trying to keep old people alive long enough to vote for them, but know that younger people are more likely to remember it's election day and are also less likely to forget who raised their taxes.

Well, Mr. or Ms. Legislator, worry no more. Alabama has come up with a solution. A proposed constitutional amendment to expand and tax bingo. Brilliant!

Think about it. Who plays bingo? Old people. So, we tax the money they lose, then return it to them in the form of drugs and medical attention that keeps them going long enough to lose some more money so we can turn around and use that to buy them more drugs.

Bingo games are currently legal in in Macon and Greene counties in Alabama, but local constitutional amendments require proceeds from the games go to charities. Charities? Get real. Who is a bigger charity case than some old geezer spending the last of his social security check on cat food. And he doesn't have a cat.

If this amendment passes it would be that geezer's lawful duty to spend his last penny on bingo so that money could be returned to him in the form of a Viagra prescription. In fact, if he didn't spend money on bingo, we could probably throw him in jail. Wait, that is the solution to the youth problem. Hmmm...don't get old in Alabama.

Somebody Needs A Spanking

This is getting a little tiring. No sooner to we admit to a, uh, premature snarkification on the Virginia baggy pants bill than the legislature drops (we'll let that go this time) the bill.

Then we turn our attention to the Virginia Christians Rule bill and now the legislature drops that too. Come on guys, make up your minds. You think we've got nothing to do but watch you slap the monkey until we notice? Well, let us tell you something Mr. Legislator with too much time on his hands...uh...umm...actually, we don't have anything better to do. Hey, who's that going "neener neener neener" down there?

No more legislatus interruptus for us. We're going to Texas and watch the Republicans in flagrante delecto all over those poor Democrats. Hmmm...Where is Jeff/Jim by the way?

It's Not What You Think...OK It Is

We like to say we're big enough here at IM Central to admit when we are wrong. We like to say that, but we seldom do anything about it. Truth be told, we don't even like to say it that much, and generally mutter it under our breath when forced into a corner. Sort of like Jeff/Jim Gannon/Guckert had to admit he wasn't a reporter and was really a male escort working undercover in the White House Press Room. Perhaps undercover isn't the right word. Incognito. Yeah. That will do.

In fact it was the Jeff/Jim affair--well, let's rephrase that too--the Jeff/Jim contretemps that got us thinking about the whole--and pardon our language here--credibility thing. As we look around the landscape we see that those who garner the most respect are those who are straightforward, honest and above board in their dealings with others. People like...like...ummm...Ok we can't think of anyone right now, but we know they are out there.

And we want to be taken seriously too, so in an effort to repair any damage to our reputation, which several people have told us we have, we hereby make the following...er...adjustment to one of our posts.

A while back we wrote that the Virginia Legislature was considering a bill to outlaw baggy pants. We had some fun with this at the expense of those serious and committed legislators from the state of Virginia. We have learned that bill has been dropped. (Dropped. Get it? The baggy pants bill has been dropped! We crack us up! Crack! Ha! there's another one!)

But we digress. Today we learned that the serious and committed legislators from the state of Virginia have replaced the baggy pants bill with the "Christians Rule" bill. This law would allow preaching, praying and proselytizing on all public property in the state, including public schools. Or, as they like to say in Virginia: (Motto: We're gonna beat you with this stick until you're saved) The Three P's of salvation.

The bill's sponsor, Charles W. Carrico Sr., contends there is a growing bias against Christians. They have to be driven around in cabs by brown people who may not have the Lord Jesus Christ as their personal savior, or worse horrendous body odor. He said other nations upheld their founding religious tenets and compelled respect for them, specifically noting the Muslim culture of Arab countries as an example. Well, except for that self flagellating thing they do. That looks painful. And the fasting? We're not too keen on that either. And the part where they blow themselves up for Allah. We don't think that's a good idea.

Look. If you don't do what they say they shoot you, OK? None of this namby pamby love your neighbor as yourself, or do unto others crap. That's what we're talking about. If we could just put a few non-believers to the lash, or stone an adulteress we could get this country back on the right track.

And if the amendment that defines "modest dress" for women passes with the bill, we plan to revisit the whole baggy pants thing.

Friday Hound Blogging

Ah, another Friday reddens the eastern sky and it is once again time to turn our thoughts from Jeff/Jim Gannon/Guckertgate, Social Security collapse, and Nuclear Korea to more important matters, namely rescued racing greyhounds.

Regular readers of this blog (and that would be my mom) will remember that Friday is the day we feature rescued racing greyhounds who are in search of a permanent domiciles, having been evicted from their previous digs because they were no longer sufficiently profitable in the eyes of their human overlords. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Greyhounds make great pets because they are known as forty mile an hour couch potatoes. By that we mean that as sprinters (a race takes less than a minute) they are used to going all out for a short period of time, then being returned to their cages by the minions of their overlords where they spend 18 - 20 hours a day. Kind of the same relationship you have with your car. Keep it in the garage until you want to use it. Take it out, use it. Put it back. Come to think of it, that could be the greyhound motto: Take me out. Use me. Put me back. And when I get too slow, dump me. Meet this week's dumpee, Pharaoh.


Pharaoh is very affectionate and loving. He is easy going and mellow when there is not a lot of activity in the home – but will get playful when other dogs are playing around him. He is happy and gentle. He will rest his head in your lap for attention. He wants to be his family's bed partner. He enjoys playing in the yard. See what we mean about couch potato? For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here.

If You Pass Notes In This Class, Do They Burst Into Flame?

Occasionally we have shared some of our experiences as inmates of the educational/industrial system on these pages. We can do that now that the nightmares have stopped. We mean the ones our teachers were having. For our part there's the drinking thing, but that may be more the result of a personality flaw than the efforts of those entrusted with our intellectual development.

We have long thought that the greatest drawback to schooling is the offerings. English, math, science, the list goes on. And on and on and on. How many generations have to learn the quadratic equation before we realize that one can live a full and happy life and never come across a graph of an exponential. We know about Shakespeare. We've seen the movie and the movie and the movie and the movie.

Which is why we were both surprised and excited by this story. The Vatican, not exactly known as a hotbed of innovation, (hence the surprise) is offering a class on Satan, black magic and exorcism. Just the list of potential guest speakers alone is enough to send us to the Registrar's Office. (hence the excitement)

As the article says, "The pontifical academy is run by the Legionaries of Christ, a conservative order, and teachers for the class include exorcists and psychiatrists." Ok, so the Legionaries of Christ sounds like a traveling baseball team in Alabama, but wouldn't you want to be there on exorcism demonstration day?

And wouldn't it be fun to listen to the debate between the exorcists and the psychiatrists afterwards? "Flee Beelzebub, I command it!"

"Well, actually this condition is brought about by withdrawal of affection by the mother. Perhaps he was weaned too soon."

Heck, just the name of the school, "Regina Apostolorum" is enough to get us applying for financial aid. Imagine the confusion on the other team when our quarterback shouts out signals in Latin. And what a crowd pleaser each time a player on the opposing team bursts into flame.

Didn't Jesus Say Something About Casting Satan Into A Sewage Pond?

Well, it looks like the state is out to persecute good Christian men and women who are only trying to save children's immortal souls from the fires of perdition, or worse, Democrats.

Meet Herman Fountain Jr. who, when he's not consulting with plumbers about the sanitation...well, lack of sanitation at his school, is busy negotiating with the state (and we feel obligated to point out that state is Mississippi by the way) to keep his "strong but loving discipline coupled with academic excellence and a genuine spiritual experience" bringing life changes to wayward teens.

And how does he bring about these life changes? Well, not by making student swim in a sewage pond. Not by sitting on their heads and beating their legs with a mop handle. Not by throwing tables and chairs at them. And not by making them listen to preaching tapes for hours. And how do we know? Because he tells us so on the web page that explains how he doesn't. And don't give us any of the Methinks he doth protest too much crap either.

Can this good man be blamed for loving children too much? It seems so. Since 1988 he's been opening these life preservers for children and the state has been closing them down just as fast. We're up to five now, but who's counting.

How can a school with a discipline code that utilizes the military discipline format simply because it teaches conformity to authority, structure and submission be targeted for this level of interference? Got to be homos in there someplace, or worse Democrats.

Scotty! I Need Those Engines!

We're not the types who are constantly going around spreading doom and gloom or worrying about the color of the threat level, particularly now that the election is over and we don't have a threat level anymore, so we have to admit we're becoming more than a little annoyed at the hand wringing and nay saying each time our Commander in Chief's missile protection umbrella fails as it did again yesterday.

Common sense tells us that it's only a matter of time before Osama gets the technology to launch intercontinental ballistic missiles. OK a matter of time in a geologic sense, but why wait when we can spend the billions of dollars that we'll save by privatizing social security now?

Besides, this failure wasn't a failure of the system like the previous five, it was a "malfunction in support equipment at the launch site." In other words, we couldn't shoot off. Something about a fuse being overloaded or some such. Physical Plant is handling it.

Now before you cynics get all uppity and start talking about how can we put our faith in a system that doesn't work, even when it does work, rest assured that, had this been an actual attack, there were backup measures to launch the missile. True, Lieutenant Bob got the matches wet and didn't have a lighter this time, but bids are being solicited for a gross of Bic disposable lighters which will be kept in a secure area next to the commissary.

Besides, this is cutting edge science. You can't expect things to go smoothly every time. As the Defense Department says:

Officials stressed that the last two tests were far more realistic, and thus more technologically challenging than the previous ones.

"This was a much more robust and difficult test," said Chris Taylor, another spokesman for the Missile Defense Agency.

See? We're failing much more sophisticated tests today than in the past.

And Quit Making Them There Free Holies Too

We generally don't like to get too close to the judicial system here at IM Central. Too many bad memories, (some of which may still be on the books) but when we saw the headline that read Judge Tells Moms To Learn English, our interest was piqued.

What first drew our interest was the byline: Lebanon, Tennessee. Having traveled extensively in the south, we are aware that, in the first place, they don't speak English in Tennessee. We were once in a grocery store down there and, upon completing our purchase were asked if we "wanted a poke."

You can imagine what ran through our minds. Well, maybe you can't, so we'll tell you. We weren't sure if we were being challenged to a fight, or asked to engage in something kinky.

It turns out a poke is a bag, so you can see our point about English. But back to the story. It turns out Wilson County Judge Barry Tatum has been ordering Mexican immigrant women to learn English, or risk losing their children to protective services. Apparently only English speakers make good mothers. The article says:

"The court specially informs the mother that if she does not make the effort to learn English, she is running the risk of losing any connection — legally, morally and physically — with her daughter forever,"

Fathers, it seems, can speak any language they want. The judge says he does it to help mothers "assimilate" into society. Obviously, if you want to keep your child in his jurisdiction, resistance is futile. And the rest of the collective agrees. Bob Bright (Yeah. we know, but we don't go for the easy joke around here) Bob Bright, who owns a local insurance agency said, "If I were in Mexico, I'd learn to speak Hispanic."

Bob, we're talking about the mothers here. If you were in Mexico, you'd have to learn to speak Herspanic.

Friday Hound Blogging

Once again we turn our attention to the only breed of dog mentioned in the Bible (proverbs, 30:29-31), staple of literature ("I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips, Straining upon the start." King Henry V Act iii Scene 1); and companion of kings. (A law passed during the reign of King Canute stated "No mean person may keep any Greyhounds." The law also stated that the destruction of a Greyhound should carry the same capital punishment as the murder of a man). Admittedly, these noble animals have fallen upon hard times and are relegated to eking out a meager living running around a dirt oval while their human overlords count the cash.

A real Dickensonian story. But you can turn the worst of times into the best of times. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here. And then meet Rock All Night:

Rock is a mellow boy. He is just starting to show his personality. He is affectionate and loving. He wants affection, but he does not “ask” for it. He will stand about 2 inches behind his foster mom waiting to be petted and push his head against her body. He is very sweet and has started giving kisses. He is very attentive and loves to stare out the window. He will run to the window when he hears a strange noise. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here.

These Legislators "Crack" Me Up

Attention Terrorists. If you plan on attacking Virginia, make sure you are appropriately dressed. That's the message Virginia lawmakers want you to take away from this bill which, as you might imagine for a state whose motto is "Virginia. No Butts About It," passed the House 60 to 34.

Algie T Howell Jr. who sponsored the Bill as a way to get back at society for the teasing he took in school because his name was Algie had this to say:

It's not an attack on baggy pants. To vote for this bill would be a vote for character, to uplift your community and to do something good not only for the state of Virginia, but for this entire country.

"Uplift." Get it? That whacky Algie. What a card. We're not sure why the entire country would benefit from this law, unless Virginians have particularly bad taste in underwear, or ugly butts. Perhaps one of Mr. Howell Jr.'s constituents in the audience can query the legislator on that issue.

The article goes on to wonder if the law would apply to plumbers, carpenters and other laborers who "have problems with low riding pants." A fair concern we believe. After all, we can't have the construction industry grinding to a halt because the Bubbas are all down at the courthouse contesting their tickets. "But yer honor, ma tool belt's a might heavy and I lost sum weight recently, since ma wif runned off ta Utah with Parson Billy Bob."

Still, John Reid, a supporter of Mr. Howell Jr.'s--or maybe we should say someone who agrees with Mr. Howell Jr. instead of "supporter" in the interests of clarity and all. Mr. Reid observed that, "Underwear is called underwear for a reason — because it is normally worn under your clothes." Obviously never been to a Madonna concert.

Three Jobs Huh? Well It's All Pocket Change To Me Honey

The Compassionate Conservative was in Nebraska yesterday, selling his antiSocial inSecurity program and it seems reality came upside his head.

While bloviating in Omaha, the First Privatizer encountered one Mary Mornin, an actual person who somehow got into the event. The Man Who Wants Us To Know He's Reading I Am Charlotte Simmons (but not for the sex scenes) "comforted Mornin on the security of social security stating that 'the promises made will be kept by the government."

That's when she told him "That's good, because I work three jobs and I feel like I contribute." You work three jobs, the incredulous leader of the free world responded. Well, isn't that "uniquely American."

So the guy who has never met a failure someone couldn't bail him out of thinks working three jobs to get by is "uniquely American." Sometimes these things just write themselves.

You Can Trust Me. I'm The President

Here in the Marbled Halls, we are gaining a new found respect for our Commander in Chief. The inauguration speech featured a WWF style smack down between the words "freedom" and "liberty" as brought to unsuspecting third world countries by our determined and resolute military. (For those of you interested, "freedom" won on points. Expect a rematch)

Then the evening was a veritable orgy of praise for our men and women in uniform. A ball was even named for them, although as far as we know, no passes were issued in Baghdad for anyone to come. And now that we think of it, perhaps orgy isn't the right word to use when describing this particular set of partygoers. Well, there's always these guys.

But back to the point. The Cheerleader in Chief has made a cottage industry out of praising the manly men (and, umm...we guess womenly women) who are out traipsing through other people's countries blowing things up in the name of "freedom" and his faithful sidekick (and comic relief) "liberty."

So why does that bring the First Teetotaler into the Circle of the Admired here in IM Central? Simply this: as President Virtue flings himself about the country laying it on for the folks with sons and daughters, husband and wives slogging through the sand, back home in Washington, his minions are busily at work, hacking away at Veteran's benefits.

See, this is the philosophy that got us through high school: Say what people want to hear; do what you want; try not to get caught. But the Righteous One goes even one step further. When he does get caught he just refuses to admit it and goes on as if nothing had changed. If only we'd thought of that for those pesky algebra homework assignments, we'd have had to spend a lot less time in detention.

You'll Thank Me For This When You're CEO

We're beginning to think the No Child Left Behind Act should be changed to No Child's Behind Left. The General brings you up to date on the, shall we say, rash, of child beating tips and techniques that have been lovingly put forth by the good Christian parents advisory group.

Now, we're not theologians here in the Marbled Halls, but we don't recall Jesus coming upside anyone's head, or threatening them "with the buckle end" of the belt as our own dearly beloved daddy used to do. Nor do we recall thinking that said daddy was a particularly Christian man after he meted out some of what is politely called corporal punishment. We do recall thinking one time that if that was the corporal, we didn't want to see the Captain.

The point is however, that it seems these church going, God fearing, Bible quoting, tithing Christians know one thing: Beatings don't make children better. Beatings make them sneakier.

And that is why this whole Mutiny on the Bounty theory of child raising is masterful thinking on the part of Christian parents. They know that the threat of a session with "old Brownie" or The Rod or the "Chastisement Instrument" helps young Christian boys (apparently they're the only one's who need beating. Of course the girls don't get out much anyway without a chaperone. It's the sex thing you know) Anyway, the threat of a beating helps young Christian boys develop predictive skills, planning strategies and probability awareness. In other words, they figure out how to get away with it. Brilliant!

Once these young men learn to avoid the lash through guile and deceit, they are ready for the corporate world. Those who don't learn and are continually caught and beaten become Pastors. Take that Dr. Spock!

Friday Hound Blogging

What a week it's been here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Elections, State of the Union, SpongeBob marathon (we're thinking about redoing the living room in a South Pacific theme, and it's definitely time to visit the Gap Store)
Regardless of historical import, or sartorial crises though, it's now time for Friday Hound Blogging. Regular readers will know this is the day we introduce you to a rescued racing greyhound. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

These are dogs who must forgo toys and soft beds and frequent petting in order to make money for their overlords. People like this. And when the dogs are no longer profit centers, well let's just say the social security program for old racers went bust years ago. So if you'd like to step in, meet Capreccico:

Capreccio is highly intelligent & adaptable. Her first night in a home, she took herself up the stairs, without having seen anyone do it first! She is extremely muscular and athletic, and so she loves to romp around the yard. When she has to go outside, she has mixed feelings, because it's "Need to potty" plus "Fun to run around" versus "Jack Frost", so when she comes back in, she runs into her crate and really gives it to her furry squeaky toys, chomping and squeaking until she feels warmed up and better. The foster family has large, very fluffy dog pillows everywhere but Capreccio likes to rake at the hard area rugs, to wrinkle them up, then lays on that mess. She is not sure about the snow; she feels it hurts her Florida Feet, and puts her toes in her mouth. But she will also run away from the back door to run a bit more in the snow, then stand and stare at it, then come back to the door and then wonder if she should try another batch of snow...? She's still having her internal debate, but we know how she feels: fun vs. cold! Cappreccio demonstrates her affection upside down and she likes to rest her head on the bed and stare. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here.

Whew! That Was A Close One.

Here at IM Central we take the blogger pledge seriously. We keep our keyboard free of Cheetos crumbs, always wear fresh pajamas, and never, ever, under any circumstances attempt to do--and pardon our language here--journalism. The very mention of the word sends a deep winter chill through our bones.

We share that little tidbit so that you can relate to our dilemma. Yesterday, as we were searching through the internet for drinking games to go with the president's State of the Union speech (and where better to look than the blogger formally known as Wonkette) we ran across a story about the Republican's reaction to the POTUS' SOTUS.

On first glance, we saw that it was filled with the usual toadification we have come to expect from the press...er...from the members of the president's own party. Iraq is great; Social Security is in the tank; Gays are bad; Oil is good (who needs Elk anyway); Our president is a manly man who could probably whip the Governator in a one on one jello wrestling match. Oh wait, that was Jenna and Ariana Huffington.

Well, this didn't raise many eyebrows in the marbled halls, although the mention of the first gulper did raise our glasses as we have a standing policy of hoisting one every time we hear her name. As refills were going around, one of the late comers to the meeting (and thus less, shall we say, lubricated) noticed that the story about the Republican reaction to the president's speech had been written several hours before the speech itself! The toadies were toadifying before the toadmaster had croaked his first croak.

This was very odd. Someone needs to know about this. But that would come perilously close to--and excuse our language here--reporting. You see our dilemma. One the one had we had discovered a flagrant disregard for openness and honesty, on the other, well there's that whole Cheetos thing.

What to do? What to do? Luckily the less lubricated member of our speech watching delegation came to our rescue by suggesting that the Republicans were phoning in their responses for the same reason we were stocking the bar...so they could engage in the great tradition of political drinking games while the president bloviated and not have to worry about saying something stupid to the press afterward because they were drunk.

Of course. Who says our legislative representatives aren't forward looking? A toast gentlemen...

Can't Touch This....Or, Maybe You Can

So it seems the President's Abstinence Only Sex Education Program has overlooked a fundamental parental truism: You tell kids not to do something and that's the first thing they do.

According to the study director:

"We didn't see any strong indications that these programs were having an impact in the direction desired," said Dr. Buzz Pruitt.

First of all, what's a guy named "Buzz" doing telling anybody to do (or not do) something? Second, is it such a good idea to use a word like "desire" in this context?

The report states the the federal government is set to spend about 130 million dollars to fund abstinence only programs across the country this year. Let's ask the Buzz man if that's a good idea:

"The jury is still out, but most of what we've discovered shows there's no evidence the large amount of money spent is having an effect," he said.

Hmmmm...as the Bard would say, Methinks the jury is not "out." Yea, verily they have passed a verdict and gone home to watch a rerun of Sex in the City.

Ok. Let's be fair here. So the program isn't working as "desired." It's got to be doing some good, don't you think?:

The study showed about 23 percent of ninth-grade girls, typically 13 to 14 years old, had sex before receiving abstinence education. After taking the course, 29 percent of the girls in the same group said they had had sex.

Boys in the tenth grade, about 14 to 15 years old, showed a more marked increase, from 24 percent to 39 percent, after receiving abstinence education.

Right. So the porn stars as guest speakers wasn't such a good idea after all. And Letters To Penthouse as examples of activities to avoid didn't work out really well. We can fix that:

Abstinence-only programs, which have sprouted up in schools across the nation, cannot offer information about birth control and must promote the social and health benefits of abstaining from sex.

Or maybe we can't. Saltpeter anyone?

We Don't Recommend Mountain Climbing In This Neighborhood

We admit to being city folk here in the marbled halls of IM Central, so what we know about farm life could probably fit on the head of a pin and leave the angels room to dance, but this just can't be right.

What must property values be like around there? Oh look Martha, we have a view of the mountains out our back window. And look at the fog around it. Just like the smoky mountains back home. Um...that's not a mountain Harold.

What do the neighbors talk about with this guy? Well Dave, I see your 2,000 ton pile of cow manure is glowing quite brightly today. Yeah, Bob, we haven't had to turn the furnace on all winter.

And pity the poor firemen. Talk about fighting fire with fire. How do you extinguish a fire on a poop pile? By burying it in poop. That has got to be the punch line of some sort of joke.

All in all, we'll take our chances with the occasional dog tootsie roll hidden in the grass at the local park.