Scope It Out

About the only thing that could bring us out of a fog in biology class was the phrase "secondary sex characteristics." Well, that and coming up with another excuse to talk to Barbara Bennit. Ah, Barbara. Now that's a story. Unfortunately one with a sad ending.

We tell you this to establish our credentials in the ongoing debate over evolution that is taking place in 19 states. Yes 19, and we know what you're thinking, but they're not all in the south. One is Minnesota (Motto: Our state begins with the same letter as Mississippi and Moron) Actually it seems credentials are not a prerequisite, which makes this a perfect subject for us.

The battle, it seems, has recently gotten more heated as creationist groups, taking their inspiration from the president, have become more vocal. The president mentioned one day that the the jury is still out on evolution. This is the same president who claims that there is no global warming, air pollution is harmless if you're rich and you can find your way out of a forest by looking at what side of a tree the moss grows on.

Well, what he actually said was, "I know I can't be descended from a monkey because I don't like bananas. Never have." That would be progress, Southern Baptist minister Terry Fox said, because "most people in Kansas don't think we came from monkeys." He went on to explain that most people in Kansas thought they came from Illinois, but weren't really sure because it was really foggy that night and they weren't driving anyway.

"What we would like to foment is a civil discussion about science," said Stephen C. Meyer, who believes evolution alone cannot explain life. "And when we've given equal time to the evolutionists so that they may speak and we may identify them, WE'LL ROUND THEM UP LIKE THE DOGS THEY ARE AND SHIP THEM TO CAMPS IN ALASKA AND THEN THEY CAN TALK ABOUT THE DEVIL ALL THEY WANT AND PARTICIPATE IN THEIR BLASPHEMOUS SCIENCE UNTIL THEY DIE AND THEIR SOULS BURN IN THE ENDLESS LAKES OF HELLFIRE THAT AWAIT THEM. AND THOSE FEMINISTS TOO! I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud?"

Bypassing the work of a 26-member science standards committee, the Kansas board of education's conservative majority recently announced a series of "scientific hearings" to discuss evolution and its critics. "But we don't need those gosh darn scientists getting in our way," said the board's chairman, Steve Abrams. He is seeking ways for students to "critically analyze" the evidence without being swayed by all that "fossil this and strata that and carbon dating the other thing."

Fox, pastor of the largest Southern Baptist church in the Midwest said, "If you can cause enough doubt on evolution, liberalism will die. Oops. I mean then we'll have a free and open conversation in this country. Yeah. That's the ticket."