I AM the Congress, Bi Otch

Truth be told, another politician being investigated, or indicted, or arrested in a motel with a former White House reporter named Bulldog doesn't light many candles around the marbled halls of IM Central. It's sort of like watching C-Span with the sound turned off. Pretty boring, plus it makes it impossible to play drinking games.

Unless the politician in trouble is Tom DeLay, Darth Vader's evil twin, and drinking game mother lode. ("Democratic vendetta"--one drink; "partisanship"--one drink; "Conspiracy"--chug) DeLay is, once again, in trouble, or maybe still in trouble, we're not sure.

"We want to work with the ethics committee to prove how baseless these and other allegations are," said DeLay, "especially since my dawg Hastert bounced that punk Hefley out of the Chairmanship."

DeLay has been at the center of troubles before, most recently last fall. Those investigations resulted in committee letters of admonishment to DeLay in cases involving fund-raising; practices, to which DeLay responded "Hey. Send me all the letters you want chump. I got the scratch and it has soothed my itch, know what I'm saying?" Several Republicans on the Ethics Committee replied "Word."

Another incident involved lobbying a Republican House member to change his vote against the Medicare drug benefit bill. Responding to this charge at a recent press conference Representative DeLay characterized the incident as "a little friendly lobbying. We told the dude if he didn't get his mind right he wouldn't make it out of the lobby."

A third investigation was the result of his effort last year to use the Federal Aviation Administration to find Democratic Texas state legislators who flew out of their state to stall action on a DeLay-inspired redistricting plan. "My posse needed some backup," DeLay told a reporter.

All the lawmakers who have worked with DeLay in the past, speak to the press only on condition of anonymity. "The dude is whack, man. I don't want him all up in my grill about this. He's jus' as soon bus a cap on you. Know what I'm talkin' 'bout?" one Senator explained outside the Ethics Committee meeting room. Several Republicans on the Ethics Committee replied "Word."

When asked to comment on possible outcomes of his latest appearance before the Ethics Committee DeLay replied, "Cain't touch this."