Hi, I'm Mitt Romney. Unless You Want Me To Be Someone Else

Hey, guess what. Republicans are still running for president. We thought after all Bush had done for the party they were going to sit this one out and hope people stopped hating them by 2012. Well, that and most of the party would start getting out of jail around then.

But it looks like we were mistaken because they had a debate, or a prayer breakfast or whatever the other day and talked about how something something is like something more and something else isn't and anyway vote for me because I hate George Bush, but I voted for the war which isn't like, a contradiction at all unless you stop to think about it, and hey, I'm not in jail or under investigation. Plus I'm holier than the rest of this bunch.

Good thing Fred Thompson wasn't there. He could have put them all in their places because didn't he play a minister or something once? Maybe that was Newt Gingrich. No, he's the Scientologist. Wait, who's the Moron...er...Morman? That's Brownback, right? No, he's the Papist. Oh, it's Romney, the animal rights activist. OK, now that we got the important stuff figured out, let's see what Romney's positions are.

The former Massachusetts governor was asked to grade himself as a conservative on a scale of one to 10 if Reagan were a 10. "Probably a 10 as well," Romney said. "Wait. Is being like Reagan an good thing? If not then I'm a one. A minus one even."

Romney ran as a moderate in his failed 1994 bid to unseat Sen. Edward M. Kennedy and in his winning gubernatorial campaign eight years later. In a 1994 debate with Kennedy, Romney defended a woman's right to abortion and sought to distance himself from Reagan. "Was that not a good thing?" Romney asked. Because if it wasn't I probably don't believe that today." Romney had an aide bring out his policy notebooks and after a few moments of searching announced he was planning on adopting several "snowflake children" if elected.

My positions don't talk about the things you suggest they talk about; this isn't a political issue," Romney said at the debate. When asked to explain what he meant by that, Romney referred reporters to his director of communication Mushmouth.