Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Hi, I'm Mitt Romney. What Do You Want To Hear?

We're coming to you from the Free Advice wing in the marbled halls of IM Central. The Free Advice wing is right off the Talk To The Hand promenade, which is across from the Department of Who Asked You?

Today we'd like to speak to those of you in the Romney campaign. It has come to our attention that your candidate is suffering from a bit of a decline in popularity despite the fact that he's on all sides of every issue, so that he like, totally can't make anyone mad. OK, it's true your candidate did score a first last week, becoming the first person in either party to receive an undorsement, but before you get too cocky, we have to tell you this isn't the momentum builder you think it is. See, what you're looking for is a more traditional response to your campaign. A response that points out the benefits of electing your man president, something that plays up your man's positives, something from a well respected, perhaps conservative leaning newspaper. Something like this:

There is a reason Mitt Romney has not received a single newspaper endorsement in New Hampshire. It's the same reason his poll numbers are dropping. He has not been able to convince the people of this state that he's the conservative he says he is.

Umm...OK, bad example, but never mind. We're going to help you overcome the fact that people are somewhat suspicious of your man. Well, the ones with IQ's above mushrooms that is.

Eds. Note: In all fairness we have to say we're talking about the common button mushroom here, and not the more intellectual Shittake which, as everyone knows are the Einsteins of the mushroom world.

First there's that name thing. What does Mitt stand for? Now, we know the reason he's Mitt is because his real name is Willard, which, if anything is worse, but what does it say about a man who abandons a clearly underperforming name like Willard...but then picks Mitt? That's the kind of guy that will abandon a group of people he previously supported so that he can associate himself with another group of people he wants to impress. Kind of like Barbara Binder did to us the second she found out Leslie had broken up with Jim Chase. Oh, sure he was on the football team and all, but we were just two matches away from qualifying for the state chess tournament, and did that make any difference? Oh no, not a bit. In fact...well, long story with a sad ending, so let's get back to Mitt.

We suggest at the first appropriate time you start calling him Doogie. Now this may seem strange at first, but think about it. Doogie is not someone you would expect to hold strong views, right? Doogie is a sort of go along to get along kind of name and that fits your candidate's views almost perfectly, right? We mean, look at the record. When Romney was governor of Massachusetts and the people who voted for him were pro-choice, so was he. Then he started hanging around with a different crowd who weren't pro-choice and presto changeo, neither was he.

Now, that wouldn't be so surprising if his name was Doogie. You sort of expect something like that from a guy named Doogie. A guy named Doogie probably doesn't have that many opinions anyway, again, a perfect match for your guy. Plus, people can't get upset at a guy named Doogie. Even when he says some totally bizarre stuff like Jesus is Satan's brother, people just smile and go, Oh that Doogie, he's such a card.

Look, just try it out for a while and if he doesn't like it he can change back. Heck, he's changed everything else about himself, why not his name too?

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