And While You're Praying? Keep Your Hands Where We Can See Them

We've mentioned before that we spent several of our formative years under the benevolent, if somewhat alcohol soaked gaze of the Catholic School System. And for those of you keeping score at home, no we were not asked by good Father McFeely to polish the holy rod of salvation and save the pagan babies who had died without benefit of being able to drop one of those little collection envelopes into the plate.

Hey, if we'd been able to get in on some of that sweet, sweet pervy payoff, you think we'd be hanging out in this neighborhood?

We had the misfortune of being pastored by a bunch of juice heads. We suspect though, that the attention they didn't direct our way was lavished on the local convent. We always wondered why Sister Regilina Angelica Corpus Mundum was suddenly "reassigned" to Alaska in the middle of the school year and Father Mack left soon after for "missionary work."

Well, be that as it may, the church's troubled times have now come to and end because the pope has decided to corral the diffuse potential of all the Babushkas who sit in the back pews during mass saying rosaries and unleash their madd prayer skillz on the big guy in a coordinated attempt to get him to convince the boys with the backward collars to keep it in their pants.

Pope Benedict XVI has instructed Roman Catholics to pray “in perpetuity” to cleanse the Church of pedophile clergy. All dioceses, parishes, monasteries, convents and seminaries will be expected to organize continuous daily prayers to express penitence and to purify the clergy. "See, we figure if there's someone always around praying, then there'll always be someone around to keep an eye on these guys," said one Vatican official who asked not to be named.

Vatican officials said that every parish or institution should designate a person or group each day to conduct continuous prayers for the Church to rid itself of the scandal of sexual abuse by clergy. "It was either that, or make everyone a member of the choir, if you get my drift," said the official.

The instruction was sent to bishops by Cardinal Cláudio Hummes of Brazil, head of the Vatican Congregation for Total Abstinence by the Clergy and This Time We Really Mean It. He told L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper, that he was acting in the Pope’s name. The Pope wanted Catholics to pray for the “mercy of God for the victims of the grave situations caused by the huge payouts courts are awarding because of a very small part of the clergy,” he said. "Maybe I should have said a very small number of individuals within the population of clergy," he added. "Not that I have any personal knowledge of the clergy's parts. Small or otherwise."

Officials said that the prayers were so the church could divert attention from legal action against pedophile priests by their victims and a code adopted two years ago by the Vatican to try to ensure that men “with deep-seated homosexual tendencies” do not enter seminaries to train for the priesthood. "And yes, we know there isn't necessarily a connection between pedophiles and homosexuals, but we're not real fond of Broke Back mountain in the Rectory either," Cardinal Hummes said.

Cardinal Hummes said that the aim was to put a definitive stop to a scandal that had damaged the financial situation of the Church and forced US archdioceses, including Boston and Los Angeles, to pay millions of dollars in compensation to the victims. "Ladies in the back row, we're counting on you. Wear those rosary beads down to little nubbins," he said.

When the pedophile scandal erupted in Boston five years ago, Pope Benedict XVI accused the media of exaggerating the crisis. "Hey, it worked for Foley." an aide to the pope said.

A month later he lifted the legal protection that the Vatican had given to Father Marcial Maciel, the Mexican founder of the Friendly Uncles of Christ, who was accused of sexual abuse of youngsters while disguised as a Mime. Maciel was banned from saying Mass or speaking in public except at soccer matches. "Guess we showed him," a spokesperson told reporters.

The Pope, who is preparing an encyclical on the social effects of globalisation, gave a homily at St Peter’s on the feast of the Epiphany in which he deplored the West’s “search for excess and the superfluous.” When asked what that had to do with pedophile priests, a spokesperson explained that the Church was beginning a new appraoch to the problem of pedophile priests. "What is it you Americans call it? 9/11! 9/11!"

BREAKING: Devil And Pope Share Taste In Shoes

We've regaled you many times before with tales from our days as denizens of the religioeducorporate enterprise known to non-initiates as "Catholic School." And, as a result we've argued in our entertaining, if somewhat logically challenged way that these traumas...er...experiences gave us a fair degree of credibility to comment on matters theological.

Or we could just be making the whole thing up. (Folks, read the blog's title, OK? We're busy here.)

But back to the pope. Once again we feel it is our duty to help the non-genuflecting, Latinless population (Ita, te adloquor) understand that when the pope says something totally insensitive, vaguely racist and definitely unchristian, well, he's the pope. You want to make something of it? Like a little holy ghost action up in your grill?

Er...what we mean is he's been misunderstood, quoted out of context, or purposely misinterpreted by anti-catholic subversives. Or people who can read, whatever. Anyway, on to the holy father's latest bite out of his red Pradas:

Outraged Indian leaders in Brazil said they were offended by pope Benedict's "arrogant and disrespectful" comments that the roman catholic church had purified them and a revival of their religions would be a backward step. "Oh yeah. This from a guy who runs around wearing the drapes with a basket on his head," said Jecinaldo Satere Mawe, chief coordinator of the Amazon Indian group Coiab. "Hey popey, who's your tailor? Omar the tent maker?"

The pope said the church had not imposed itself on the indigenous peoples of the Americas.
They had welcomed the arrival of European priests at the time of the conquest as they were "silently longing" for Christianity, he said. "Sure they didn't even know Christianity existed until we got here, but that's why the longing was silent."

Millions of tribal Indians are believed to have died as a result of European colonization backed by the church through slaughter, disease or enslavement. "Want to make an omelet, got to break some eggs," said a vatican spokesperson. "They're better off today."

Many Indians today struggle for survival, stripped of their traditional ways of life and excluded from society. "OK, I'm going to have to get back to you on the better off thing," the spokesperson said.

"It's arrogant and disrespectful to consider our cultural heritage secondary to theirs," said Mawe.

"Not when my culture is about to get all righteous on your jungle living, goat eating, tree worshiping behind," countered a spokesperson for the pope's office of catholic hegemony.

Several Indian groups sent a letter to the pope last week asking for his support in defending their ancestral lands and culture. "They have land?" asked an official from the vatican bank. "We may have to rethink this."

"The state used the church to do the dirty work in colonizing the Indians but they already asked forgiveness for that ... so is the pope taking back the church's word?" said Dionito Jose de Souza a leader of the Makuxi tribe in northern Roraima state.

"Hey, these people eat bark for chrissakes," said the pope's press secretary. "What are we supposed to do? Now take the Indians in America. If we could apologize ourselves into some of that casino money, that's some big time mea culpa, know what I'm saying?"

Pope Benedict not only upset many Indians but also catholic priests who have joined their struggle, said Sandro Tuxa, who heads the movement of northeastern tribes. "I work for idiots, what can I say?" Tuxa told reporters. "I feel like Dilbert."

Even the catholic church's own Indian advocacy group in Brazil, known as Cimi, distanced itself from the pope. "The pope doesn't understand the reality of the Indians here," Cimi advisor Father Paulo Suess told reporters. "Of course we're talking about a guy who thinks women are only good for making more catholics; homosexuals are bad unless they're priests; and listening to rock music will make you protestant, so understanding reality probably isn't too high on his list of things to do."