Monday, November 27, 2006

Pope to Study Condoms. First Lesson: They're Not Apartments You Own

OK, how could we pass up an article titled "Pope Commissioned Condom Study Clears First Hurdle?" In the first place, why does the pope need to know about condoms? And second, what are these "hurdles" of which you speak? Could they be of the ribbed or tickler variety? We say no more as this is a family blog, but turn our ear to Cardinal Javier Lozano Barragan, head of the Vatican's Pontifical Council for Health Pastoral Care.

"This is something that worries the Pope a lot," the Cardinal told reporter. "Bottom line is, more condoms equals less catholics."

Ah, now we get it. It's an economic issue.

The Catholic Church opposes the use of condoms and teaches that fidelity within heterosexual marriage, chastity and abstinence are the best ways to stop the spread of AIDS. "Well, that and the magic chicken bones." said an aide to the pontiff. "We did a study and the chicken bones were about as effective as abstinence."

Promoting condoms fosters immoral and hedonistic lifestyles and behavior that will only contribute to the spread of AIDS. "Look," Cardinal Barragan said. "If you knew there were no cops around, you'd speed like a demon. If you knew calories didn't count you'd have chocolate cake at every meal. If those spies from the Office of Ecclesiastical Internal Affairs weren't watching your every move, you'd take Sister Mary Margaret up on her offer to come to the convent for a discussion on theology, and maybe a massage. Yes a massage with those long slender fingers kneading you, those milky white arms pressing down on you again and again over and over slowly, then was I? Oh yes, condoms are bad. Is it hot in here?"

"Following the wishes of Benedict, we carried out a careful study on condoms, both from a scientific and moral point of view," Barragan told a news conference. "We found that scientifically they work, and morally we hate that."

The study, which would not be made public, would then be passed on to the Pope, who may use it for his own pronouncement. When asked what the length of the pope's pronouncement might be an aide declined to speculate. "It's not like we share a locker room," he said.

In recent years, several top Church officials have called for a change in Vatican policy on condoms to allow their use by married couples where one partner is affected by HIV or AIDS. But the Vatican has been loath to issue any document that could be interpreted as a green light for the use of condoms to stop the spread of AIDS, fearing it would endorse promiscuity. "Look, we got enough problems trying to get our own guys to keep it in their pants," Barragan said. "We don't need the rest of you going all horn dog on us."

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