Just Asking Part Deux

OK, so we get the "shared sacrifice" slogan all of our elected betters are using to try and convince us they have a plan to keep this country from sliding into irrelevancy. President Muslim used it to explain why his budget cut home heating assistance. He didn't mention it's a scientific fact poor people are fat because of all that $2 a case mac and cheese they get from Costco. That's how you pick them out in a crowd. It's just a variation of the O'Brien Method.  The point is, they've got extra layers, man, they don't need all that heat. Here in the home state of IM Central, our newly elected governor (Republican of course--all the cool states are doing it these days) has decided to remove the Earned Income Tax credit from his budget because the people who use it--namely poor families--really don't need the state to help them feed their kids and buy them clothes and stuff. Heck, mac and cheese is $2 a case at Costco, dude, and have you seen the selection of worn out jeans and sweatshirts at Goodwill these days?

Times are tough for everyone, you know? Shared sacrifice and whatnot, yo?

Now, we can understand why the Kenyan Usurper needs to cut back, having given all that money to the bankers and such, and here in the Water Winter Wonderland we understand that sacrifice is needed so businessmen can get their tax break. Jobs, you know, and...um...rising tide lifting all boats et cetera and so forth.

But here's our question: When a poor person makes a bad short term decision, like say buys a smart phone he or she can't afford instead of paying down credit card debt, or saving or something, that person gets held up to public scrutiny as an example of everything that's wrong with social welfare programs and why should we be letting these people lead the life of Riley on the public dime when times are tough and yada yada yada blah blah blah whatever shared sacrifice, the end.

Yet when a business executive makes a bad short term decision that brings down his or her company, and lately the whole economy, that person gets a bail out, a tax break and a bonus.

Why is that, exactly?

It Ain't Democracy Until I Say It's Democracy

We're coming to you today from the Democratic People's Republic of America here in the marbled halls of IM Central where we don't have a president for life, but as soon as we get rid of the black guy we may look into it--that is if there are any states left in the union by then.

It seems the Teabaggers have discovered a problem with the voting laws.

New Hampshire's new Republican state House speaker is pretty clear about what he thinks of college kids and how they vote. They're "foolish," Speaker William O'Brien said in a recent speech to a tea party group. New Hampshire House Republicans are pushing for new laws that would prohibit many college students from voting in the state - and effectively keep some from voting at all.

Hey, wait a minute there Speaker O'Brien. "Foolish" people are probably a big part of your constituency, no? How else do you explain your election?  After all, you told everyone that you were putting jobs, economy and taxpayers at the forefront of your agenda, and what's the first thing you do? Try to disenfranchise a whole class of voters. Seems like the people who voted for you may have been a little foolish to take you at your word. Besides, what did the kids ever do to you?

"Voting as a liberal. That's what kids do," he added, his comments taped by a state Democratic Party staffer and posted on YouTube. Students lack "life experience," and "they just vote their feelings."

Oh. Well, you've got us there Mr. Speaker. This whole democracy thing would be a lot easier to manage if people who didn't agree with you weren't allowed to vote. That must be what Jefferson meant when he said, "Dissent is the highest form of patriotism."No wait. That's not the quote we were looking for. How about, "If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be."No? Let's try, "I know no safe depository of the ultimate powers of the society but the people themselves; and if we think them not enlightened enough to exercise their control with a wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them but to inform their discretion by education. This is the true corrective of abuses of Constitutional power."

Yeah, that's the ticket.

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog have succumbed to the ennui of living...er...we mean know that we here in the marbled halls of IM Central have a long tradition of investigating and analyzing both sides of the complicated and complex social issues we write about so that we can bring you the most cogent and sophisticated explication of the day's events possible.

Of course, we don't claim to be perfect and we are sure there are times when we've fallen short of our standards--like every time we hit the "publish" button. Blogging sober might help our success rate, but no matter, we are here today to set the record straight. We've noticed that these last few weeks of FHB have been nothing but bad news for the overlords, which we suppose is to be expected when your life consists of leeching a meager existence, tick-like, off the backs of innocent animals which you callously use for profit, then heartlessly cast aside for someone else to pick up, like trash by the side of the road.

Of course that's just our opinion. We could be wrong.

Anyway, this week, rather than bringing you up to date on the latest drumbeats in the greyhound racing funeral march, we thought it would be only fair to hear the other side of the story, so we've invited overlord. Samuel R. Burdette to speak to you today. Mr. Burdette will tell us why greyhound racing is a "substantial industry" as opposed to an unsubstantial industry we guess, maybe like ghost hunting or something, but we'll let him explain that.

Regarding the Daily Mail's Feb. 24 editorial, "Should racinos lose dog tracks?":
No, racinos should not lose dog tracks.

So, there you go then. Thank you for clearing that up, Mr. Burdette and  this has been another episode of simple answers to simple questions. We hope you...oh, excuse us. Mr. Burdette isn't done.

Greyhound injuries during races occur at a low probability and should not raise questions about continuing.

 Whoa, science. Didn't realize Mr. Burdette was a statistician. So, you got your basic "low probability" going on here, which means those dogs that suffer and die to earn Mr. Burdette a couple of bucks are just, you know, unlucky. Tough break. That's the way the cookie crumbles. It's all probabilities man, like chance and stuff. For example, the earth has a low probability of being struck by a meteor. Course, if you happen to be under one when it does strike it sort of ruins your day.

* Regarding injuries, as presented by Grey 2K:
Grey 2K is an animal rights organization, not an animal welfare group.

Ha! Point taken Mr. Burdette. See the distinction between rights and welfare is crucial because it...um...well because...erm...ah...OK, we don't have a clue what you're talking about.

It has a political agenda to outlaw greyhound racing. It does little and spends little, if any, for hands-on welfare care of greyhounds. It uses the mental concept of injuries to claim "the sky is falling, the sky is falling."

 Oh, we get it. By drawing attention to the horrific conditions greyhounds endure in your "substantial industry," by bringing public pressure to bear on the institutionalized cruelty of greyhound racing, they're not helping the dogs at all. If they'd just shut up and take the units off your hands so you can get on with replacing them that would be much better for you. Ah, we mean the greyhounds, better for the greyhounds. Gotcha.

We also understand the "mental concept of injuries" better now too. We think you've got something there. If you could just convince all those dogs with broken bones that they've  got a "mental concept" instead of an injury they could be back out there racing the next day. It's win win man!

Actually, the injury statistics quoted in the editorial are low percentages. The editorial said there were 750 broken-bone injuries over a six-year period at the Mardi Gras racetrack at Nitro. Some of these broken bone injuries represent relative minor broken bones such as a cracked toe or a slight stress fracture. Some do represent career ending broken bones.

What's wrong with racing greyhounds these days?  They break a "minor" bone or get a "slight" fracture and they're all like ow, ow ow, I can't run fast anymore. I can't make my overlord's trailer payment for him. Weenies.

A six-year period at Mardi Gras represents over 262,000 individual greyhound trips around the track. Broken bone injuries of 750 divided by 262,000 trips equals 0.0028 occurrences per trip, or a 00.28 percent probability of a bone fracture occurring per trip. Twenty-eight hundredths of 1 percent is a very low rate of incidence.

Woo Hoo! Math! Ooo, Ooo Can we try Mr. Burdette? Let us try. OK, OK. You have a 0.0005 percent chance of getting hit by lightning, a 0.0006 percent chance of drowning in a bathtub, a 0.0000005 percent chance of dying on a five mile bus trip. Course if your bus happens to be the one that runs into a tree it sort of changes your perspective, right Birthday Toy?

The racetrack has a full-time maintenance crew continuously preparing the track before each race. The Racing Commission has a full-time veterinarian to address injuries and to judge the safety of running a race in times of bad weather and to judge the track surface.

Mr. burdette? We think we see your problem. Having a Veterinarian around to say, "yeah, that dog's hurt. You can tell by the bone sticking out" is a good thing, but asking that Vet to be a meteorologist and a civil engineer, well, we're not Vets or anything, but we're pretty sure they don't teach that stuff in Vet school.

We do not agree that this is a "gruesome sport."

So, there you go then. Thank you for your time, Mr. Burdette and  this has been another episode of all your facts are irrelevant to us. We hope you...oh, excuse us. Mr. Burdette isn't done.

Quite the contrary. In no way does greyhound racing approach gruesome animal sports such as dog fighting or cockfighting, which have been outlawed.

Umm...Mr. Burdette? You sure you want to go there? We mean, if being legal is your criterion, you may have a problem. Just saying.

Our greyhounds represent a significant investment We depend on them for a livelihood. We feel very affectionate towards our dogs and do not want them injured.

Good for you Mr. Burdette. Now, if only you wouldn't constantly put the dogs in harm's way and callously dump them when they did get injured we'd be getting somewhere. Marry your thought to an action, that's all we're saying.

We have no reservation about racing our greyhounds at Mardi Gras racetrack.

Well of course you don't. You aren't the one who ends up with bones sticking out of them.

* Regarding the benefits of greyhound dog racing:
The greyhound racing and breeding industry is a source of jobs and economic support in West Virginia. We estimate over $20 million is pumped directly to the West Virginia greyhound breeding and ownership economy from track purses and development fund proceeds each year.

 Ooo! Ooo! More math. How about this: The GDP of West Virgina is about $59 Billion. So, $20 million is about 0.003 percent of the economic output. Yay numbers!

* On the agenda of animal rights groups:
Animal rights groups such as Grey 2K, the Humane Society of the United States and PETA have leaders who advocate no human control over animals - no hunting, no fishing, no pets, no animal acts, no dog racing, no horse racing and no slaughtering of animals for human food.

Hmmm...it's hard to argue with that logic Mr. Burdette. Well, hard unless you were paying attention school the day they talked about the fallacy of the slippery slope.

Some have advocated that everyone should be a vegetarian.

Uh...OK. If "some" have, that means some have not, so do you have a point there, Mr. Burdette, or is your medication starting to wear off? Oh wait, we get it. You're trying to scare us. No greyhound racing means TOFU BURGERS BITCHEZ!!!(eleventy)!!

The real question then boils down to: Do humans have the right to control animals and use them for sporting events, pets or food?

Hey! That was pretty neat how you slipped "sporting events" in there with pets and food. We're thinking your answer is yes.

This is a philosophical question and depends on a person's own religious and philosophical beliefs.

Actually, a person's philosophical beliefs depend on his or her philosophy and that person's religious beliefs depend on his or her religion. But no biggy. Aristotle and the Pope. We get them mixed up all the time too.

Imagine a legislative bill to outlaw deer hunting or fishing in West Virginia. We doubt seriously it would become law.

Imagine trying to dodge the deer on highways after several years of no deer hunting. Imagine a bill to outlaw pets.

Imagine not having beef or fish to eat. Imagine the devastating economical impact on segments of our state with no hunting or fishing, no horse or dog racing, and no food from animals.

Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one 

Yeah, we're John Lennon fans too, Mr. Burdette. You got a point in there somewhere? We thought you were talking about greyhound racing.

Feed stores, veterinarians, parts of the food processing industry, fast food restaurants and other segments of our economy would struggle to exist.

No greyhound racing, no MacDonalds. OK your argument is becoming too sophisticated for us to follow Mr. Burdette. Where'd you come up with that?

We think that after discussion and debate over the animal rights agenda, it would be rejected by the majority. We should not fall for the rhetoric and false logic of animal rights groups. We should not outlaw greyhound dog racing in West Virginia. It could be the first step down a very slippery slope.

Er...Mr. Burdette? When you build your whole argument around a fallacy it's best not to admit that's what you did. Sort of destroys your credibility, know what we mean?  See Daucus? This is what happens when you drop out of school in the sixth grade.

Daucus is very laid back, but curious. He is affectionate; he will approach for pets and will sometimes give kisses. He likes to rub his face up and down on your legs. He is a big boy and will try to herd the humans to get his way. He will sleep on his back with his tongue hanging out. Daucus would do well in a working family home with another mid-size to larger dog to keep him company and would probably be okay as an only dog with a family that had someone home more often. He would do better in a home with larger well-mannered children, as he does not always understand his size. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Silver update:  She is a fun girl and has cockroached for the first time and has rooed once, showing her increased confidence. She hides toys in her cage or at a back door collection.

Just Asking

OK, so we just heard The Draped One has written a new book that says all Jews aren't Christ killers.

Yeah. We know. We were losing sleep over that too. Anyway, as part of his exoneration of said Jewish folks he says, "How could the whole people have been present at this moment to clamor for Jesus' death?" Benedict asks.

Good question your Pradaness, but here's a better one: If all humanity wasn't present to clamor for appletinis when Eve ate the apple, how come we all have to pay for original sin?

The Jews got to know somebody on the inside, that's the only thing we can think of.

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, we're beginning to get a little concerned about the overlords. We mean, it's not like they've ever been welcomed as part of the human race, anyway. They're like The Lobster twins, or Werewolf boy, or Percilla or something. You know, total freakazoids that you feel both pity and revulsion for at the same time.

OK, mostly revulsion, but still in the last year or so it seems even people who don't normally pay any attention to the heartless cruelty of animal exploitation for profit have gone out of their way to bash an overlord.

Over a six-year period, the greyhound racing track at the Mardi Gras casino in Nitro reported more than 3,200 injuries to greyhounds to the West Virginia Racing Commission. Of those injuries, 750 involved broken bones. In that time, more than 150 dogs were so severely injured that they had to be euthanized. It's repugnant that injuries are the part of the nature of the sport. Greyhounds are fast but fragile, and races involve much bumping. Why does the state continue to allow such a gruesome sport?

Whoa. Now that's bound to harsh some overlord mellow right there, right Dan Adkins, who serves as the president of Hartman Tyner, the company that owns the  Mardi Gras racetrack?

"If you compared these numbers to the NFL or even horse racing, this would be a very low percentage," said Adkins.

Well, there you go then.  Hey Dan, while we're on the subject, we were just wondering how hard it is to get an NFL linebacker back in his 2 1/2 by 3 foot crate after the game, because we're thinking that's got to be kind of difficult, no? Is lubrication necessary?

Dan has no comment. Well, no matter, it's beginning to look like pretty soon we won't be needing any crates at all, right lobbyist Michael Racy?

Lobbyist Michael Racy first proposed to let the Tucson track drop live racing entirely, a move that could have effectively turned the track and its satellite operations into a strictly year-round OTB operation.

Now, we know what you're thinking, but why shouldn't greyhounds have their own lobbyist? Everyone else does.

Directives by Gov. Jan Brewer to require state regulatory agencies to become financially self-sufficient are requiring track owners to come up with more cash, he added.

More cash? See, now that's going to be a problem, because as the poet once said, "How can you have Mo cash when you ain't got No cash?" Any suggestions Mr. Racy?

Racy said if the bill becomes law, track owners will figure out what days live racing still makes sense. "Candidly, there are some days that are more profitable and some days that are less profitable," he said.

Right. Days that end in Y? Forget it. Other than that, it's like the money is falling out of trees.

The legislation does contain an escape clause of sorts. It permits the track to actually have live racing on fewer than 100 days but only if agreed to in a contract with dog owners and track kennel operators whose business would be affected.

OK, let's see if we have this straight. You want to pass a law that says the overlords only have to race 100 days a year, unless they want to race less? Is that about right? So your initial position was let's drop racing all together, and your compromise is let's have racing 100 days a year unless we don't want to. Brilliant! Bet you wished you been owned by that guy huh, Bart?

Bart is very gentle, quiet, happy, well-mannered and easygoing. He is affectionate. He likes to be petted and he will pick his paw up and place it on you when you stop petting him. He will also lean against you for attention. He loves to go for car rides and even enjoys sitting in the car when it is not moving. He likes to run and play in the yard. Bart would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good as the only dog in the home. He has limited experience with other dogs at this time. He would do best in a single family home, because he tends to be vocal when first left in the crate.  For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Silver update: She is gaining confidence in her surroundings. She is spending less time in the crate, which she initially spent a lot of time inside. She is more playful with the family dog and is starting to have more fun. She is a fun girl and has cockroached for the first time and has rooed once, showing her increased confidence. She hides toys in her cage or at a back door collection.

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, one thing you have to say about the overlords is they never lose hope. Teeth, sure, but hope? Never. Witness one Phil Ruffin, overlord extraordinaire, and by that we mean he has tie shoes which he is able to put on and lace up himself. Truly, this man is the Warren Buffett of the greyhound racing world, because he has seen the future gone after it.

Wichita businessman Phil Ruffin has acquired an option to buy the idled Woodlands racetrack and grounds in Kansas City, Kan., with an eye toward reopening three Kansas tracks with racing and slot machines.

Well, of course he has. One glance at the paper will tell you what a wise investment this is.

Southern Arizona residents may soon have fewer chances to see live dog racing. But the owners of Tucson Greyhound Park say that will be good for business.

Now, to those of you who may not be familiar with the sophisticated elements of the overlord business plan it might seem that less business would not be a good thing for you. Well, that just shows how little you know about the economics of greyhound racing.

Ruffin already owns unused dog tracks in Wichita and Frontenac, Kansas.

 See what a genius this guy is? He's cornering the market on unused greyhound race tracks. Pretty soon if you don't want to go to a greyhound race you'll have no one to deal with but Mr. Ruffin. A total monopoly! Brilliant! I bet you wish you had been owned by this guy, right Jesse?

Jesse is very friendly, affectionate, and loves everyone. He wants to be near people. He will follow his family around the house. He loves being petted and will lean against you for attention. He likes to snuggle. He is happy; his tail wags often. He is playful and energetic. He likes to play with toys. Jesse would do well in a single family home with well-mannered children. He can jump a standard 4’fence, so he needs a home with a taller fence or with someone who would leash walk him. He would be great in an active working family home that will exercise him regularly. He would make a great jogging buddy, as he has more stamina than most greyhounds. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Silver update:  Silver is learning tricks. She plans to open in Las Vegas this the fall.

You Know Who Else Liked To Be Tickled Besides Elmo? Hitler

So, we're slooshing through the intertoobz searching for "No prescription needed" when what to our wandering eyes should appear but: Iowa senator compares preschool to Nazi indoctrination.

Well, of course he does, thinks us. After all, what else could he say? "Iowa needs job growth?" "We need to restore basic services to out citizens?" "We need to balance the budget with a comprehensive package of tax increases and program cuts?" Of course not. Not when there's fascists in the in the toy chest.

Republican Sen. Mark Chelgren said it’s parents’ responsibility to teach young children. “It is not the role of this government to take that away from families and replace it with an indoctrination process by teachers,” Chelgren, a freshman senator from Ottumwa, said shortly after the Senate gaveled in for the afternoon.

OK. Considering that with legislators like Markie in charge it won't be long before neither parent has a job making it much easier for them to carry out that "responsibility." Course, the fact that they'll be living in a refrigerator box under the highway will present some unique challenges. Hey, we know. The first lesson can be about representative government and how it is responsive to the needs of the people.

Chelgren took to the microphone again to explain that his statement was “not against preschool,” but “about a parent’s prerogative to make decisions about their children.”

Yeah. So when you accuse teachers of indoctrinating children, you're really talking about "prerogatives?"  Did you graduate from the Sarah Palin school of public speaking?

“Every argument made about preschool could be made about pre-preschool and pre-pre-preschool and as far back as you want to go until the day they are taken,” Chelgren said.

Oh. Um...thanks for clearing that up.


Wait a minute, wait a minute. We missed this the first time we read the article: "Chelgren, a freshman senator from Ottumwa, said shortly after the Senate gaveled in for the afternoon." That explains a lot. Some "freshman senator from Ottumwa" must have had lunch with his two favorite constituents, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam. Please read the warning labels on your medication bottles Representative Chelgren.

Texas! Motto: The Solution To Your Problem Is More Guns. Regardless Of What Your Problem Is

We're coming to you today from the Department of Up Is Down here in the marbled halls of IM Central. UID is a subsidiary of the It Would Be Reverse Psychology, If We Were Smart Enough To Use Psychology Company, in partnership with...well...where else? Texas.

Security is newly tightened at the Texas Capitol, but plenty of gun-toting visitors can breeze right through. Concealed handgun license holders walk through a special lane marked "CHL Access" around, and not through, the metal detectors put in place last year after a man fired shots outside the statehouse.

OK, so by "tighten security" they mean let people with guns into the statehouse faster than they got in before?

Schoolchildren and tourists, meanwhile, have to walk through metal detectors and put their bags and keys through scanners.

Yes, well...let's see if we have this straight. The people least likely to have guns are put through comprehensive security, while the people who actually have guns are invited right in. Is that pretty much the strategy we're talking about here?

Richard Robertson, a concealed handgun license holder who visited the Capitol on Saturday, is glad guns are allowed in the statehouse. "It's not the Wild West mentality where I'm hoping to get into a fight, but if some lunatic tries something, I'd feel better having the means to put an end to it," said Robertson, general manager of a construction company in Austin.

Ah, well that explains it then. If you're going to let people with guns into the statehouse, chances are pretty soon one of those people is going to be a lunatic and you got to be ready to drawn down on those Mo Fo's. We can see that. Say, did anyone ever consider just not letting anyone have guns in the statehouse? We mean, it's not like you're going to need to shoot a bear in the restroom or anything. Just a thought.

"Around here, it's not that big of a deal (to have a gun at the Capitol). Someone from out of state may think we're a bunch of yahoos."

Yahoos? Sir, you flatter yourself. Brainless dolts with penis issues maybe, but Yahoos? Never.

"It's not like they just whoosh on through," said Tela Mange, a spokeswoman for the Texas Department of Public Safety.

Oh, we never would have expected a "whoosh" Ms. Mange. More like a "Zip" or a "Zoom." By the way, what kind of name is Tela Mange? Is that your real name, or just the one you use so no one knows you work for the Texas Department of Public Safety? Hey, here's a riddle: What's a bigger oxymoron than "Military Intelligence?" Give up? Texas Department of Public Safety.

We crack us up.

Lobbyists, and even some journalists, have signed up in droves for the $140 licenses, even if they have no intention of carrying a weapon into the statehouse.

Makes perfect sense. Why wait in long lines for a security check if you're no threat. Position yourself so you might be a threat then you can whoosh right through.

Excuse us. we meant zip or zoom. No one whooshes. That wouldn't be safe.

Last year, Republican Gov. Rick Perry, who opposed the metal detectors at the Capitol entrances, had his .380 pistol with him while jogging in the Austin area and has said when he came across a coyote, he shot it dead.

Why didn't you say so in the first place. Now it all makes sense. The Texas Statehouse was in danger of being infiltrated by Coyotes and governor Perry, manly man that he is, was just putting the safety and well being of the legislators first. We'd do the same thing if we were in his shoes. Wait. we take that back, if we were in his shoes he'd probably shoot us.

Friday Hound Blogging

Sir Issac Newton taught us that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.Well, taught you maybe. Physics was never a major interest of ours except for the ballistics part when we got to build a catapult. It was just a desktop catapult, but still, that poor science teacher learned an important lesson about adolescent boys and the ability to launch projectiles in an enclosed area. We heard he took a job as a long haul truck driver after he finished his therapy. On the bright side, the Principal learned never to walk into a classroom without knocking first.

We tell you this because it seems Sir Issac's law is also applicable to the overlords. See, for the last, oh we don't know, twenty years or so, they've been taking a beating from people who have souls due to the fact that to be an overlord means you are basically a tick on the body of society. Now, we don't mean to insult ticks or anything, but you have to admit, when you take the oldest breed of dog there is, a dog who has been the companion of Pharaohs and Kings, a dog celebrated in literature and art, and you turn it into a commodity just so you can avoid working for a living, then, when that dog has given you everything it has you toss it aside like yesterday's newspaper, or worse, well, you got to believe that's going to upset some folks.

Anyway, enough is enough of that stuff, and now the overlords are pushing back. First of all, they want us to know they have standards:

PLANS to sponsor greyhound races as part of the Australian Sex Party’s Broadmeadows by-election campaign have landed the party in the dog house. The party, which is fielding candidate Merinda Davis in the February 19 Broadmeadows by-election, was told yesterday by Greyhound Racing Victoria it could not sponsor two races at this Saturday’s meeting at the Broadmeadows Greyhound Club.

Well, there you go then. We'll let the dogs get horribly injured, we'll starve them, we'll abandon them, we'll sell them for medical research, we'll even kill them, but expose them to nekked people? No way.

After all, greyhound racing is "a golden opportunity."

It never ceases to amaze me how people locally seem too often first focus on the negative. To me this project would give another first class leisure facility to Towcester and give a much-needed boost to the local economy.

Oh speak it brother man. We mean, sure dogs are going to endure heartless cruelty and meaningless death, sure people are going to lose the rent money and end up eating cat food in a refrigerator box, and sure the government is probably going to end up subsidizing the whole shebang like it does everywhere else, but is that any reason to back away from a "first class leisure facility?"

Yes there are some obstacles to be overcome...

A few, we would say, but we need to “forget about the mindless noise made by negative souls”.

LONG-time Murwillumbah greyhound enthusiast Cyril Boylett has urged towns- people to welcome a plan for a modern greyhound track as great news for small business, tourism and the community.

Darn straight. It's a well known fact that Social Security recipients, the disabled and people on fixed incomes often travel the world in search of the excitement of greyhound racing. It's a cash cow, man!

Mr Boylett said he and other trainers were devoted to their greyhounds.
“We have two old brood bitches that live mainly in the house,” he said.

Ha! Well there it is then. Is there any stronger testament to the commitment the overlords make to the units...er...the dogs. We mean, this guy's been in greyhound racing for thirty years or more. He's gone through hundreds of dogs, and two of them sort of live in the house. What more needs to be said huh Opie? 

Opie is a happy-go-lucky guy who is still young at heart. He is friendly, trusting, affectionate, and playful. He follows the foster dad everywhere. He will put his front legs on the bed in the morning and paw at you to be petted. Opie looks especially cute when he is feeling very alert and points both ears straight up with just the tips curled over. He also loves to sit when he thinks he hears someone near the cookie jar. Opie would do well as an only dog or with other dogs. He has lots of energy for a senior and appreciates going for a walk or playing outside. He would be happy in a working family, or one that is home more often. He would probably do well with well-mannered children. He loves to be outside, so a family that would include him in outdoor activities would be great. His size would allow him to fit well in a smaller home or condo. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Silver update: Silver's Vet check was perfect, all shots up to date, teeth cleaned and ready for some serious couch time.

Say Ten Hail Marys And Four Our Fathers KTHXBAI

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that the only sensible response in the face of a cold, chaotic indifferent universe is acquiescence...er...we mean know that we were raised in Peter's posse yet, in the intervening years drifted from our brothers and sisters in Christ due to the fact that it slowly dawned on us during our adolescent years (which may still be going on by the way) that we weren't living in the 13th century.

Not that we didn't enjoy the whole dominus vobiscum, save the pagan babies by selling over-priced statues of the virgin Mary, try to get Dolores Bratvakowski to give us a smooch in the coat room after CYO experience, because we really did. Well, except for the part where Dolores ratted us out to the Monsignor and he gave us the speech about how you couldn't mess with the wimmenz until you married one, then you could make her do whatever you wanted and god was OK with that.

Intriguing as that possibility was, it was shortly after that we ran into Mary Margaret Chilanewski, who apparently hadn't gotten the memo about the proper stand off position she was supposed to take vis-a-vis people like us and, well one thing led to another and pretty soon the only thing we used our extensive Latin vocabulary for was exclaiming O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!

We tell you this by way of introducing what may be the harbinger of the church's entrance in the present age, namely confession by iPhone.

It seems as though the Catholic Church really really wants us to go to confession, so much so that apparently it has sanctioned a new iPhone app aimed at bringing some of the wandering sheep back into the fold. You can now wipe your slate clean with Confession: A Roman Catholic App, available through iTunes for $1.99.

Now, is that pope guy a hep cat or what? No more dragging your hung over carcass to the church Saturday afternoon to get your sins forgiven by the equally hung over Padre, only to go out that night and collect and butt load more.  Now the enterprising miscreant can almost wipe 'em as he does 'em. It's like 24/7 absolution man, as long as you've got service. We'd recommend purchasing the Verizon model iPhone because you'll need at least three bars consistently to reach heaven. Besides, ATT? That's for Lutherans.

We have to admit this almost has us considering retuning to the fold. We mean, what's in the pipeline? Angry Cardinals? Smite the evil pigs and send them over the cliff, just like Jesus did. Judasbug? See if you can hop Iscariot all the way to heaven before god notices. This could be the thing that brings the church back from that whole pervy thing, right Father?

A spokesman for the Vatican, Federico (Freddy Spoons) Lombardi said:  ‘I must stress to avoid all ambiguity, under no circumstance is it possible to "confess by iPhone because even the most cursory glance at the bible will convince you that Jesus was totally an Android guy.’

Dang! Well, wonder if we still have Mary Margret's number around here anyplace...

Just Wondering

Hey, remember Wikileaks? Didn't all the media tell us that supposed to be the end of civilization as we knew it? Weren't we all supposed to have been overrun by screaming hordes of anarchists, or socialists or something because someone actually reported stuff the government didn't want reported, you know like journalism and whatnot? Did that happen, because we really haven't been paying attention. Did the terrorists win?

We have to believe something like that would have made the papers, but sometimes we only read the comics so it's possible the collapse of western democracy could have slipped by us. We quit following the story after Sarah Palin chased all the hackers off her porch and back to Russia, because when it's no longer about Sarah, it's no longer news.

Did anybody ever figure out if Jullian Assange was the anti-christ, or is it still Obama?

America! Motto: Dunning Kruger* in 2012!

Well well well. The new class of citizen legislators are all in their seats and eager to right the ship of state. So, how we doing so far?

U.S. Rep. Ann Marie Buerkle, who voted to repeal the health care reform act, was twice asked about the health insurance she receives as a government employee. At first she said she couldn’t understand why people were so interested in her health insurance, and that taxpayers didn’t pay anything for it. She later corrected herself after being handed a note from a staffer. Like most employees, she pays for a portion of her insurance and her employer, the government, pays the rest, she said.

OK, let's get this straight. The nice lady decides has career as a homeopathic faith healer isn't taking off like she'd hoped and gets herself a job with the Federal Government, whose major source of revenue is...for those of you playing at home, say it with us...taxes. Her new employer graciously promises to cover her health care with what has been called by some a very generous benefit package.

With us so far?

Now, the nice lady goes back to her district after voting to disallow health care supported by taxes. Twice. She tells her constituents that her health care isn't being supported by their tax dollars, until an aide, who obviously graduated from high school, passes her a note explaining how the government supports itself.

Now, to see if you've been paying attention here's a quiz. Which of the two following statements would cause the founding fathers, were they still alive, to take the first ship back to England:

1. This lady was convinced by the voices in her head that she was qualified to serve in the Congress of the United States of America.

2. Enough people agreed with her to get her elected.

When you're done, just leave your paper in the box on our desk. We'll be down in the basement looking at real estate brochures from Belize.

*Dunning Kruger

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, you remember the old Batman series? No, not the movies with the dark,conflicted, taekwondo, Eastern mystic poseur Batman, the other Batman, the one with the ill fitting costume and the substance abusing writers. Yeah, that one. Mmm...and Batgirl...

Where were we. Oh yeah, Batman. One of the things we really liked about that show was Catwoman...mmm...Catwoman...no wait...uh...hang on...the graphics. We really liked the graphics. Whenever Batman would get in a fight there was always a big BAM! on the screen or a POW! when he decked the bad guy.

Well, we tell you this because upon perusing the intertoobz this week we have come to the conclusion that the overlords must be feeling a little like the Joker when the Caped Crusader finally cornered him in his hideout. We join this week's episode already in progress:

BAM!!

If state lawmakers agree to let casinos end live dog racing in Iowa, greyhound owners and kennels would be paid a "soft landing" fee and the state treasury would get an extra $10 million a year, according to a proposed bill.

 Oh, that's gonna to leave a mark.

POW!!!

An independent poll of 501 Iowa voters finds that a majority would support legislation to end greyhound racing in Iowa. The statewide survey, conducted between Jan. 24 and Jan. 27 by Hill Research Consultants of Auburn, Ala., found that voters by a margin of 57 percent to 28 percent would support a bill to allow the closure of Iowa’s two dog-racing tracks. Fifteen percent were unsure.

Holy Last One Leaving The Track Turn Out The Lights Batman! 57%! Every bad guy knows you can't get anywhere without your minions. Got to have the minions. But wait! Batman thinks you're knocked out and he's turning away. Now's the time to conk him with a vase!


SOCKKO!!

GREYHOUND Racing New South Wales (GRNSW) has dismissed claims by the Friends of the Hound that a proposed $5.6 million greyhound racing facility at South Murwillumbah would not deliver economic or social benefit to the region. GRNSW chief executive Brent Hogan said Tweed Heads is classified as one of the fastest-growing greyhound racing regions in the state.

Oh No! Our hero is down and at the mercy of the evil overlords. Will this be the end for Batman?

BLAMMO!!

On Friday last week David Montague, chief executive of the 66,000-home association, met with millionaire Bob Morton, who wants to buy the site, as well as campaigners opposed to L&Q’s plans. Local MPs Stella Creasy, Iain Duncan Smith and Waltham Forest council leader Chris Robbins also attended. Mr Morton wants to fund a scheme which would include a dog track and homes, but L&Q last year rejected his £4 million bid for the site. Following Friday’s meeting Mr Montague said Mr Morton’s plans would not work.

 Ah Ha!  Robin has freed himself from the evil clutches of the Riddler and saved the day! (We forgot to tell you Robin was in the evil clutches of the Riddler).

So it looks like justice will triumph, right Batdog...er...Bill?

Bill is really sweet and loving. He is a quick learner, with plenty of energy. He follows his foster family around the house and LOVES to be with people. Bill likes to find people who will pet him whenever he can. Bill is confident, sweet, playful and cuddly. He wants to be around everyone all the time. Bill is comical when he burps out loud like a person and his tail wags up and down rather than side to side. Bill jumps in the air & does a 360° turn and pounces down on his toys. He is so funny and entertaining. He leaves mismatched slippers all over the house.  Bill would do well in a working family home with another dog to keep him company or with a family that is home most of the time if he is the only dog. He is good with well-mannered children, 5 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Silver update: Silver enjoys her foster home, but does not like snow drifts that are taller than she is.

We Are Wal-Mart. All Your Neighborhood Are Belong To Us

Oh look, the boys of Mordor are back. As if we don't have enough trouble.

Wal-Mart's lengthy struggle to open in New York City has hit fresh problems -- a controversial report that said America's biggest discounter does not just sell cheap, it makes neighborhoods poorer.

But...but...79 cents for half a ton of one ply toilet paper...

The report concludes that Wal-Mart, the biggest U.S. private employer, kills jobs rather than creates them, drives down wages and is a tax burden because it does not give health and other benefits to many part-time employees, leaving a burden on Medicaid and other public programs.

Oh sure, it sounds bad when you put it like that, but what about all the good things Wal-mart does, like provide jobs for immigrants and women? They are often first adopters of technological innovation and cutting edge scheduling techniques as well as forward looking labor/management relations.

The New York City Council will hold a public hearing on the impact a Wal-Mart would have but the retailer has declined to attend. "Well, truth be told we're really tired of this whole public input thing," said Wal-Mart spokesman Steven Restivo. "I mean, this is Wal-mart for crying out loud. Where do you people get off telling us what's good for you? Umm...I mean JOBS!"

Restivo said a store would bring good jobs and good shopping for fresh food to locals. To push its case, Wal-Mart launched a public relations blitz in mid-January with radio and newspaper ads and a website, www.youwillbeassimilatedNYC.com, which features positive coverage of the company. "It's true because it's on the Internet," he added.

 Wal-Mart has been trying to open in New York since 2005 but various plans floundered on objections from the community and union activists. Now the company is reported to be looking at locations including East New York and Brownsville -- Brooklyn neighborhoods known for high unemployment, crime and drugs. "Well, you don't think people are actually going to let us build in an area that has property value do you?" Restivo said. "Besides, these people are already poor, how much worse can we make it?"

"It would be a disaster," said Mark Tanis, owner of an East New York shopping market about three miles from a proposed sites. "It would have a detrimental impact on our area." Tanis said he fears a product he sells for $20 could sell for as little as $12 at Wal-Mart and drive him out of business.

"$12? Try $8.95," Restivo responded. "Hey Mark, I'll save a place for you on the janitorial crew. Don't bother packing a lunch though. You don't get lunch! HAHAHAHA! That's a little Wal-mart humor right there."



Courtney Laidlaw, 22, who lives near the two possible locations said, "We have become a society of bargain shoppers and having a Wal-Mart locally will definitely be beneficial. "The small businesses that can adapt to the socioeconomic times that we live in will find a way to survive. Wal-Mart is just an alternative destination, not the only destination."

"We may just be an 'alternative destination' now, Courtney, but give us a year or two," Restivo said. "Resistance is futile."

Mitt Romney! Motto: What's A Guy Gotta Do To Be President Around Here?

Hmm...Looks like the Mittster is going to take advantage of Palin Free February to get his all positions all the time campaign back in the news. 

Former governor Mitt Romney, in a new introduction to a book somebody wrote for him, strongly criticizes President Obama, writing that “my worst fears about the president have come true and it looks like he could get re-elected which means I'll have to wait another four years to get into the White House.’’

Life is hard, Mitt. If you don't believe us, just ask your dog. On the bright side, the fact that you've had every position there is on the issues means you won't need to do much updating for the voters. "Yeah, me too" should about do it.

In the book’s new introduction, Romney gives an apparent nod to the Tea Party movement, criticizing Democrats in sharp populist language for pushing a greater role for government.

Oops. Forgot about that one. Since there wasn't a Tea Party during the 2010 election, you'll have to explain how, as the moderate governor of a progressive state, you've always been a Tea Partier at heart, right? So what's your opening gambit?

“Like the monarch the revolutionaries rejected, they have no limit on the amount they would tax the people and their enterprises,’’ he adds. “Rather than admire the heritage of peaceful assembly and petition, they ridicule and demean assemblies of ordinary citizens who protest their grand health care plans, takeovers, and bailouts.’’

Ooo. Palin-speak. We like it. A fresh word salad of unconnected ideas phrased pretty much incomprehensibly, but spelled right. You're the thinking man's patriot Mitty boy. What else you got?

Romney also strongly criticizes the president’s health care law, which is bound to become a sticky argument, since the national plan was largely based on the one Romney steered to passage in Massachusetts.

 Yeah, that's a toughie. If only Massachusetts had fallen into the sea after you were governor this would be much easier. Gonna take some careful planning here to distance yourself from your own record. Don't want a repeat of New Hampshire.

“They have enacted 2,000 pages of health care legislation, and while the politicians did not take the time to read it before they voted, small businesses will have no choice but to read and comply with every one of its new mandates and provisions,’’ Romney writes.

HAHAHAHAHA!! That's pretty funny. Romney actually thinks politicians read the bills they pass. Hey Mitty, ever hear of the Patriot Act? 

And as for small businesses, yeah...except no.

Romney had nearly 412 different opinions in the final five weeks of 2010 and starts out this year with more positions than a Yogi on speed, according to newly filed "Keeping Up With Mitt" disclosure forms. His political action committee — called the Please Let Mitt Be President PAC — begins 2011 with more flip flops than any other prospective presidential candidate.

We Coulda Been A Contender

We're coming to you today from the Department Of Not Thinking. DONT is a division of the No One Could Have Foreseen Corporation in partnership with But There Should Be Ponies, LLC.

It's Monday. It's cold and there's a butt load of snow coming, so we're just going to give it to you straight.

You get the country you ask for, not the one you want. To wit:


Compassion:

Rape is only really rape if it involves force. So says the new House Republican majority as it now moves to change abortion law. With this legislation, which was introduced last week by Rep. Chris Smith (R-N.J.), Republicans propose that the rape exemption be limited to "forcible rape." This would rule out federal assistance for abortions in many rape cases, including instances of statutory rape, many of which are non-forcible. For example: If a 13-year-old girl is impregnated by a 24-year-old adult, she would no longer qualify to have Medicaid pay for an abortion.

Acumen:

New Republican legislation in the House and Senate would force the U.S. government to reroute huge amounts of money to China and other creditors in the event that Congress fails to raise its debt ceiling. If passed, Toomey's plan would require the government to cut large checks to foreign countries, and major financial institutions, before paying off its obligations to Social Security beneficiaries and other citizens owed money by the Treasury.

Vision:

U.S. researchers will soon abandon their search for the most coveted particle in high-energy physics because of a lack of funding. Researchers working at Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory (Fermilab) in Batavia, Illinois, had wanted to run their 25-year-old atom smasher, the Tevatron, through 2014 in hopes of spotting the so-called Higgs boson before their European counterparts could discover it with their newer, more powerful atom smasher. But officials at the U.S. Department of Energy (DOE), which funds Fermilab, informed lab officials this week that DOE cannot come up with the extra $35 million per year to keep the Tevatron going beyond September.

Pretty depressing. We mean, when it comes to empires, 240 some years is pretty bush league. Heck, even the Carthaginians managed 475 years before the Romans kicked their elephant riding behinds. And it took them three wars to do it. Round here you ask for a Hannibal you're liable to get a Hannibal Lecter.

Friday Hound Blogging

As our old daddy used to say, sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear...um...makes a doo doo on your head. OK, those aren't quite the words he would have used, preferring the more colorful Anglo-Saxon descriptors as he did, but this is a family blog and the children may be watching. Anyway, we suspect greyhound racing's chief overlord Gary Guccione wishes he had a hat these days because his recent rhetorical stylings in defense of the heartless barbarity of animal exploitation sport of greyhound racing, as we've discussed in the last two FHB's do not seem to be having the intended effect.

See, the point of Mr. Guccione's attempt at eloquence was to turn public opinion from the view that he and his ilk are somewhat less than human, given the fact that they suck their meager existence off the backs of innocent animals, cruelly taking advantage of greyhounds' speed, grace and loyalty; stealing their nobility for profit, then casting them aside like common trash after using them up.

Well, you can see Mr. G has set quite a task for himself and this week we thought we'd peek in and see how he's doing. So, Mr. Guccione sir, you launched your letter campaign awhile back, the word has had time to spread, your arguments have penetrated the ether, and the public has been stirred. Time to tally the results, no?

Now a bill moving through the state House is targeting horse racetracks or other betting establishments which might consider running simulcasts of greyhound racing from the 19 surviving dogs tracks in the U.S. House Bill 67, which unanimously passed the House Gaming Oversight Committee Tuesday, would bar simulcasts or live broadcasts of greyhound racing, a strategy that the shrinking greyhound racing industry is pushing as a way to increase profits at its dwindling number of tracks.

 Ouch. OK, OK let's not panic. After all, no one expected smooth sailing. We mean, take the average person on the street. They have values, a heart, they're able to feel empathy, sympathy and have a basic respect for life--all life. It's obviously going to take a little time to convince them that killing and maiming dogs for profit the exciting and fascinating world of greyhound racing is an appropriate activity for human beings to be engaged in.  Hey, let's go out to Arizona, you know the Xanadu of greyhound living? If anyone would be willing to agree that abusing living creatures for profit greyhound racing has a place in a civilized society it would be the folks who get to see how well greyhounds are treated close up, right?

Legislation has been filed to bring dog racing to an end at Tucson Greyhound Park! House Bill 2536, sponsored by Republican Representative Vic Williams, changes the state's racing law to remove the requirement that TGP offer live racing. That's right, the track could remain open for other forms of gambling but greyhounds would no longer run around in circles at the facility or live in tiny cages at the compound.

 Hmm...OK let's recap. Mr Guccione embarks on a full throated defense of his industry in several papers around the country. Result: Aside from the tracks that are about to go out of business anyway, state legislatures begin to move to outlaw the whole enterprise. This can't be going according to plan, huh Sly?

Sly is easygoing, independent and loving. He will approach and nuzzle you for affection. He will “talk” to you in the morning when he wants to go out. He has an odd bark that sounds like he has bronchitis, although he is completely healthy.  Sly would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He has lived with his “adoptive sister”, Remy for over six years. They would need to be placed together. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Silver update:  Silver is doing well and has learned about steps, windows and the joy of treats.

In Other News, Air Necessary For Breathing

In what has got to win the award for the most blatantly obvious headline stated as if it were news, we ran across this scurrying its slithery way through the intertoobz today:

Panel finds financial crisis was avoidable

You don't say. What was your first clue?

The deals grew so complex that bank executives and regulators did not understand them, the report found, and banks discouraged aggressive oversight of their activities, saying the government's interference would stifle financial innovation.

We don't know what's going on, but don't look at it too closely because it might inhibit our ability to think up other "products" we don't understand. Yeah. No warning signs in that behavior.

Still, the commission's findings were tainted by partisan politics. Six Democrats on the panel supported the conclusions; the four Republicans dissented.

Well of course they did. Not having the faintest idea is a key plank in the republican platform and underlies most of their positions on current issues. Also illegality.

The conclusions contradicted a parade of witnesses in the panel's hearings who said the crisis couldn't have been avoided or prevented.Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and Goldman Sachs Group Inc. CEO Lloyd Blankfein were among those asserting that defense.

Gee. The people who caused the problem, or ignored it until it blew up in our faces say it's not their fault. Didn't see that one coming.

The panel has referred cases of possible criminal wrongdoing to the Justice Department for investigation.

 Oh. Well, that explains sudden helplessness.

"The greatest tragedy would be to accept the refrain that no one could have seen this coming and thus nothing could have been done," the report said. "If we accept this notion, it will happen again."

Is it just us, or does the fact that no one is in jail, or even in trouble and banksters are handing out bonuses like  candy at a NAMBLA convention mean we've already accepted that it is going to happen again?

The commission criticized the view held by some regulators that markets are "self-correcting" and banks can police themselves.

See, now that's just harsh. The markets are self correcting provided they get billions in Federal subsidies and are able to bankrupt millions of people from time to time. Hey, omelet, eggs, you know?

Poor People, Please Be Quiet While The President Explains How Great We Are

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that we often start our posts with "Frequent reader(s) of this blog"...um...whatever. Look, you come here because you're trying to avoid doing something responsible and/or productive. What do you want from us? Effort? We put as much effort into writing this blog as you put into reading it so let's not mess with the arrangement OK?

Where were we? Oh yeah. Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that we have a sort of tradition around here when it comes to the president's State Of The Union Speech. Ah, president Bush and the English language. Those were the days, no?

This year, however, we have to report that we did not watch the president's address, nor did we watch the spittle flecked republican response, or the Michele Bachmann's medication free rebuttal rebuttal on some cable channel that preempted reruns of Hee Haw to put her on--although we sort of wish we had watched that one because we're told it was rather creepy. Henh, henh. Michele Bachmann, creepy. That's like saying Cubs fans are, optimistic.

Truth be told though, we just couldn't bring ourselves to listen to the president describe an America that only exists if you happen to be working and/or rich. We think scarecrow said it best, but the point is if our elected officials were half as good at solving problems as they are at avoiding them, there'd be ponies for everyone.

And it doesn't stop there. On the way to the freezer to break out the Stoli we caught part of the CBS Evening News. Story one The president is giving a speech. Story two: REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS MIGHT SIT TOGETHER!! ZOMG!! ZOMG!! ACK!! BLARK!!! IT'S A DATE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! WE'RE SO CLEVER!! Next up: Women play hockey, Who knew?

It's like the whole political and media infrastructure of the country is caught in some permanent seventh grade time warp.  Now, admittedly we've been known to flee reality from time to time as the aforementioned reference to our penchant for adult beverages indicates, but in our defense we've never thought of that as our job.

Well, on the bright side, it looks like most of the people who watched the speech approved of what the President had to say, except for Paul Broun, who had to take his medication first, but you have to figure a lot of the folks who've lost their jobs and their homes probably weren't sitting around in front of the big screen plasma, so we'll never really know what they thought. Course, they don't live in the America the president was talking about anyway, so let's hear it for the real state of the union: Denial.

We Put Pauly Fingers On The Fast Track To Sainthood So He'd Keep His Mouth Shut Around The Boss

Frequent reader(s) of this blog have concluded that diminished expectations are the soporific of existence...er...we mean have concluded that, when it comes to explaining away the wholesale abandonment of your most fundamental principles while convincing the credulous you are a moral authority, nobody spins it like the catholics. Take the ongoing clergy sex scandal for example. The pope has blamed everybody except Sarah Palin for all the boinking going on in the sacristy, and while you might be saying, finally, something happens in the world that's not about Sarah Palin, the point is the pope has managed to say, at the same time, with a straight face, and without having his head explode, or more surprisingly, not being struck by lightening, that his church is the both the beacon of righteousness and goodness in the world and, raper of children.

Man. Talk about multi-tasking.

Well, it should come as no surprise then that when the authorities found a letter written to the bishops of Ireland telling them to keep the kid boinking on the down low and not inform local five o, his slipperiness was ready with an explanation.

The Vatican said that a newly leaked 1997 letter written to Irish bishops warning them about reporting sex abuse to police was misinterpreted as evidence of the church trying to enforce cover-ups. "'If the local fuzz gets word of this, the pope is going to be on you like ugly on a bulldog' can be interpreted many different  ways," said a spokesperson from the vatican Office of Dissemblement.

Vatican spokesman the Rev. Federico (Freddy Spoons) Lombardi denied that the letter was proof that the Holy See told Irish bishops not to report clerical sex abuse to the police. "That letter has been given biased treatment by some media outlets, who have presented it as proof of an instruction from the Vatican to cover up cases of sexual abuse of minors," Lombardi said. "I mean come on, quoting stuff right out of the letter? What kind of yellow journalism is that. Makes me think you mooks just don't like Italians. Who's the injured party here anyway?"


The letter, reportedly leaked to RTE by an Irish bishop, appeared to warn Ireland's bishops not to report all suspected child-abuse cases to police. That's not true, the church said. The letter was simply meant to make sure that Irish bishops followed canonical law and was not to protect pedophile priests. "And what's the first precept of canonical law?" asked Father Lombardi "We get to do what we want."

When asked what happens when canonical law runs afoul of local civil law, Father Lombardi referred reporters to the second precept of canonical law: See precept one.

"There's nothing in the letter that says do not obey the civil law," Jeffrey Lena, the U.S.-based attorney for the Vatican. "Of course there's also nothing in the letter that says don't spit into the wind, tug on Superman's cape, or mess around with the old Lone Ranger, so I can see how you think the matter is open to interpretation," he added.

Lena also issued a statement saying the letter had been "deeply misunderstood." He said the part about how "mandatory reporting gives rise to serious reservations" is really the pope's way of saying there's no way the vatican treasury could handle the fallout from all these pervs going public. "It's fiscal responsibility is what it is," he said.


Gotcha consigliere. Civil suits can be a serious drain on the cash flow. Might force a fellow to, oh we don't know, sell indulgences or something.