Look, You Lost. Take My Word For It OK? I'm The President

We're as happy as everyone else that the Israelis and Hezbollah have decided to stop blowing up civilians, and we understand that the whole point of having a war is to win and stand on the ashes of your enemy beating your chest and howling at the moon. Or restore peace. One of those.

Anyway we're having a little trouble completing our scorecard on this one. President Bush said Israel defeated Hezbollah's guerrillas in the month long Mideast war and that the Islamic militants were to blame for the deaths of hundreds of Lebanese civilians. "We kicked us some A Rab butt," Bush told a gathering of religious leaders in the Rose Garden. "I mean, the Israelis were able to drive the terrorists from a dangerous area of south Lebanon and thus restore peace to the region. Well, except for the parts that are still fighting that is."

Hezbollah chief Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah said his guerrillas had achieved a strategic victory over Israel and that it was the wrong time to talk about disarming the group. "Yeah, you'd really like us to give up our weapons, huh Olmert? Then you'd have more than bupkis to show for all the bombs you dropped on the villages. Nice try, but no deal."

"Hezbollah attacked Israel. Hezbollah started the crisis, and Hezbollah suffered a defeat in this crisis," the president said. "They should quit shooting rockets into Israel and just accept that."

When asked about the Palestinians and the original Israeli soldier they captured that provoked an Israeli invasion of Gaza, the president replied "Who?"

Hezbollah has reserved the right to attack Israeli troops still in south Lebanon. "Cease fire? Yeah, we'll cease fire." Nasrallah said. "As soon as we kick your bagel eating butts back across the border. Wrap that up in a knish and send it to your momma Condo Lisa, or whatever your name is."

The United States backed Israel in the war, and Bush made clear he was determined to help the Israelis in the post-fighting struggle of words about who wound up on top. "I'm the president of the world's only remaining super power, so I'm like the referee for wars between smaller countries, and I say this one goes to the boys in the yarmulkes. Don't even have to look at the instant replay."

"Bush is about as good of a referee as he is a president, which is to say he sucks rocks." Nasrallah said. "We are before a strategic and historic victory, without any exaggeration, we emerged from the battle with our heads high, and our enemy is the one who is defeated."

Bush said Hezbollah lost, though Israel didn't knock out the guerrillas. "It's a TKO that's for sure, but Israel was way ahead on points anyway."

"Right. Bush has a strong grip on reality. He thinks he's winning in Iraq. Case closed." the Shi'ite cleric said. "I call on the people, the resistance lovers and supporters to pass over what they have heard,"

"Hezbollah, of course, has got a fantastic propaganda machine, and they're claiming victories," Bush said. "But how can you claim victory when, at one time, you were a state within a state, safe within southern Lebanon, and now you're going to be replaced by a Lebanese army and an international force?"

"Umm...maybe because nothing has changed except the insignia on the side of the jeeps that drive around ignoring us?" Nasrallah said.

"We certainly hope the cease-fire holds because it is step one of making sure that Lebanon's democracy is strengthened," Bush said. "Plus Israel really can't take too many more 'victories' like this one."

Nasrallah said Hezbollah would immediately start repairing bomb-damaged homes and would pay a year's rent and other costs to help the owners of about 15,000 destroyed houses.

"See, there's that propaganda again," the president said. "Going around fixing people's homes and helping them rebuild their lives after the Israelis bombed the crap out of them isn't going to win him many friends in the region. Face it Nasrallah, we killed more Lebanese civilians than you killed Israeli civilians. You lose on points rag head."

"Oh, you think this is over frat boy?" the cleric responded. "Better tell your Israeli overlords to start sleeping in their kevlar pajamas."

"Bring it on falafel face. My god will kick your god's butt."

"Will not."

"Will to."

Hmm...it's good to know our future will be determined in the cool light of reason and measured discourse. If you need us, we'll be hiding in the closet.

They Ain't Fossils Until Inspector 12 Says They're Fossils

OK, so the Intelligent Design folks didn't do so well in the Dover Case. As the presiding judge in the case said, "The only apparent difference between the argument made by [18th century theologian and creationist William] Paley and the argument for ID, as expressed by defense expert witness [Michael] Behe and [Scott] Minnich, is that ID’s “official position” does not acknowledge that the designer is God. .... Although proponents of [Intelligent Design] occasionally suggest that the designer could be a space alien or a time-traveling cell biologist, no serious alternative to God as the designer has been proposed."

Well, personally we'd go with the flying spaghetti monster, but that's just us. Anyway, the point is, for folks whose view of the cosmos is stuck in the 18th century, the 21st century hasn't so far, been very friendly. Can we get a Yea and Verily?

So what are God fearing, undereducated biblical literalists to do when they find that the law actually expects them to provide evidence to support their claims? Well, if you can't litigate evolution away, just hide it.

Powerful evangelical churches are pressing Kenya's national museum to sideline its world-famous collection of hominid bones pointing to man's evolution from ape to human. "We feel that providing scientific evidence that supports the theory of evolution sends the wrong message to young people today," said Bishop Bonifes Adoyo, the head of Christ is the Answer Ministries. "Just look where science has gotten us. Diseases being cured with drugs, water being purified, milk being pastuerized, women voting. How long are we going to go down this road before we realize the error of our ways?"

The museum also holds bones from several specimens of Australopithecus anamensis, believed to be the first hominid to walk upright, four million years ago. Together the artifacts amount to the clearest record yet discovered of the origins of Homo sapiens. "Well, that's only if you believe in all that science mumbo jumbo," Adoyo said.

The National Museums of Kenya, which manages the country's cultural sites, is conducting a survey to determine what visitors to its Nairobi headquarters most want to see. Church leaders aim to hijack that process. "We asked ourselves, What would Jesus do?" Adoyo said, "And the answer was clearly to confuse public opinion and bend it to our agenda."

"Our doctrine is not that we evolved from apes, but were barfed into existencence, and we have grave concerns that the museum wants to enhance the prominence of something presented as fact which is supported with evidence and generally held to reflect reality. Bumba forgive them."

Dr Leakey said the churches' plans were "the most outrageous comments I have heard in the last twenty years, but that's only because I stopped watching the 700 Club a long time ago."

The museum said it was in a "tricky situation" as it tried to redesign its exhibition space to accommodate the expectations of all its visitors. "But things can get tricky when you have religious idiots on one side, and intellectuals, scientists or researchers on the other."

Friday Hound Blogging

You have to hand it to the overlords. In their never ending quest to avoid getting real jobs they are constantly on the look out for opportunities to take advantage of the general populace. That's why, in May of last year the opening of a new race track in Juarez, Mexico was greeted with such fanfare. "Think of all the drunken college kids wandering around with good old Yankee greenbacks in their pockets," said American Greyhound Council Communications Coordinator Gary Guccione. "Impaired thinking ability and ready cash. Does it get any better than that?"

Well, apparently there isn't enough tequila in Juarez to convince people to go to the track because a little over a year after it opened, the track went out of business. While the track was open, Guccione had expressed the overlords' concern for the welfare of the units...er...dogs, saying "We feel that Juarez management has not shown the long-term, consistent commitment to greyhound welfare, although that won't stop us from shipping dogs down there to try and squeeze an extra peso or two out of them once they're no longer competitive in the US."

Apparently, the "management" at the track wasn't the only group Guccione should have been concerned about because when the track went out of business 66 dogs were out of a home and abandoned to deplorable conditions. "We can't force the owners to take back the units if they're no longer profitable," Guccione said, "because...well...I don't know why we couldn't. We're the industry governing body. We issue registrations and oversee things. I'll get back to you on that."

Later, Guccione's office issued a clarification saying that he had misspoke himself when he said the Council was concerned with the welfare of the units. "What I meant to say is that we are concerned with the welfare of the owners," Guccione said. "Sorry for any confusion."

That's OK, we pretty much figured it out anyway, right Diamond?


Sure Do Shine AKA Diamond is very sweet, playful and friendly. Her tail wags all the time. She tries to get the family dogs to play. She is a little skittish around sudden movements, but she is getting more comfortable and she loves people. She has an independent side, and can be found lounging on her dog bed away from the family from time to time. She really likes her ReGAP blanket and will carry it to her different beds. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

144,000 People Were Wrong. It Could Happen

OK, yesterday we learned that Democrats plan to take back the congress by defeating...er...democrats. Today we learn that the Republicans think that Democrats being elected is good for them.

It used to take most of a bottle of Stoli to alter our reality that much.

Republicans began a concerted effort to use Mr. Lieberman’s defeat to portray Democrats as weak on national defense, reprising a theme that they made central to the last two national campaigns. "When the democratic voters in Connecticut elected a Democratic candidate, they sent a clear message to the terrorists," said Ken Mehlman, the chairman of the Republican National Committee.

“It’s an unfortunate development, I think, from the standpoint of the Democratic Party, to see a man like Lieberman pushed aside because of his willingness to support an endless war that will bankrupt the country and mortgage the future of several generations yet to come,while enriching my already rich friends at Halliburton," Mr. Cheney said in a telephone interview.

Mr. Lieberman dismissed the significance of the supportive words from the vice president. "Don't read too much into that," Lieberman told reporters. "The Republicans really don't like me. Especially Cheney. He invited me to go hunting with him. Twice."

Most Democrats said they would not pressure Mr. Lieberman to step aside for now, saying he was too angered by his loss to accept such counseling. "Well, angry may not be the right word," said Christopher Dodd, Connecticut’s other senator. "Deluded maybe, or clueless, baffled, mystified, lycanthropic, suffering from ignis fatuus, delerious, irrational, demented, unhinged, yeah, any one of those will do."

Additionally, the Republicans do not have a strong candidate who could take advantage of a fractured Democratic field. "I think everyone knows the best Republican in the field right now is Joe Lieberman," said Democratic national chairman, Howard Dean.

"What you are seeing is the beginning of the end of the Republicans, because a lot of this was a referendum on George Bush’s policies." Dean said. "And who better to represent those failed policies than Joe Lieberman, three term Democratic Senator from Connecticut."

Charles Schumer the head of the Democratic committee for the Senate agreed. “The perception was that he was too close to George Bush, especially with that whole kissy face thing going on. That still gives me the shudders.”

“That’s not my fault,”Lieberman said. “The Democratic party is not criticizing me for being totally out of touch with my constituency, well, with reality actually, they are criticizing democratic voters for the way they voted. Idiots. Why do I have to bother with them anyway? The president doesn't.”

Yeah. Where do democratic voters get off voting for a Democrat. What a bunch of turncoats.

This Wouldn't Be A Problem If Students Just Quit Having Feelings

That sucking sound you hear is the collective gasp of school age children all around the country as the look at the calendar and realize that the time draws near when they will have to once again form up and march off to the halls of academe. And don't even think about not enjoying the intellectual stylings of your appointed instructional technicians you little ingrates. You know who you are.

A former Fulton County student who was expelled from high school for writing about a dream in which a student shoots a math teacher has failed to convince a federal court that the school system violated her right to free speech. "First of all, what's she doing dreaming in school," said Senior Judge Marvin Shoob. "And writing is for English class, not math class."

In his order, Shoob said the writings were "sufficiently disturbing" to support the school system's 10 day suspension of the honor student. "Having this girl express her frustration through writing sends all the wrong messages about what school is," Shoob said. "When she gets older she can deal with her problems by developing a drinking problem like the rest of us."

After her October 2003 expulsion attracted national attention, the Fulton County school system dropped the most serious disciplinary charge — that Rachel had threatened bodily harm against school personnel — and reduced the punishment from expulsion for the school year to a 10-day suspension. "Originally the principal wanted to have her locked up," said a school district spokesperson. "But then he realized that locking up the honor students would hurt the school's score on the state assessment test so he reduced the punishment."

Shoob found the system's disciplining of the student did not violate her right to free expression because school officials were justified in perceiving the story as a portent of possible future violence. "It's crystal clear to me that this honor student, who had never been in trouble before, who was a model student in every other way, was a time bomb just waiting to go off. Add to that the fact that almost all violence in the schools has been committed by boys and I can see why the school district didn't want to take a chance."

The student said she never meant any harm. "Rather than write a long treatise on the causes of my frustration in his class and try to understand why he made math so boring, I thought I'd just kill him off in a fantasy story. I got the idea from listening to the president explain his foreign policy." she said.

News about the incident attracted support for her from advocates of freedom of expression. At the school system's discipline tribunal hearing, Georgia's poet laureate, David Bottoms, was among those who testified on her behalf. "As a poet, you don't know how refreshing it is to find a student who can write something besides a test essay these days."

Her suspension recalls George Orwell's "1984," Bottoms said, a novel in which people are prosecuted for thought crimes. "Except in this case it's just plain old thought that got the girl in trouble. Who among us hasn't thought about killing their math teacher at one time or another? I mean come on. They're math teachers for crying out loud."

Vote for Me Or I Lose My Damage Deposit

We don't usually do this, mainly because it's hard enough for us to concentrate long enough to write a 200 word blog entry, but we'd like to continue on the theme we introduced yesterday, namely Democrats taking back Congress. Today's entry: Joe Liberman.

Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman is fighting for survival against challenger Ned Lamont in a Democratic Senate primary. "OK, we know Lieberman isn't a registered Republican," said Democratic Leadership Council Chairman Governor Tom Vilsack. "But the Republicans keep dropping out, so Lieberman was as close as we could get."

Lieberman, a three-term senator and the Democratic vice presidential nominee just six years ago, scrambled to avoid a stunning defeat at the hands of a political unknown who has characterized the senator as a cheerleader for Bush and the war. "Well, if Lieberman is defeated, I don't know if I'd characterize it as 'stunning,'" said a Lieberman aide. "I mean, have you looked at his record lately?"

Lieberman says he will run as an independent if he loses the primary. "I'm the kind of guy that just can't take no for an answer," he told reporters.

The Connecticut race has attracted national attention for its emphasis on the war and Democratic anger at Bush. "I don't know what that's got to do with me," Lieberman said. When reminded of the infamous "Bush Kiss" he said, "Can I help it if the president's gay?"

Lieberman has fought back, emphasizing his Democratic credentials and calling himself a reliable opponent of Bush's domestic agenda. "I told the president right to his face that people deserve to have food, shelter and reliable medical care," Lieberman told a small crowd waiting for a bus outside a convenience store. "He said he'd look into it, and that's good enough for me."

Lamont has called Lieberman an enabler of Bush and a Bush "lapdog." Lieberman wrote a Wall Street Journal article last year headlined "Our Troops Must Stay" and warned Democrats about criticizing Bush on the war. "Well, you can't hold that against me," he said. "I was drunk when I wrote it."

If he wins the primary, Lieberman promised to take a new attitude back to Washington. "The next time the president wants me to come over and wash and lube his bicycle, I'll say no," he told reporters. "Well, unless he's really in a rush and needs it right away. I mean, the guy is the president and all. Plus he's got those big shoulders, and that cute way of walking with his arms all stiff. And all that bike riding has given him a pretty good set of legs, especially the thighs. Excuse me, I need a drink of water. "

So, You Gonna Run? That's A Big Ney Ga Tory

Ok, so we've been reading about how the democrats are all excited because they think they're going to take back Congress from the Republicans (and Joe Lieberman) but we thought it was because they planned to win elections. Turns out it's because the Republicans aren't going to run in the first place.

Now there's a campaign strategy.

U.S. Representative Bob Ney, under scrutiny in a corruption scandal involving convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff, announced that he was abandoning his re-election campaign. "Tom DeLay said he could get me on at his lobbying firm, and I figured I've milked this gig for about all it was worth," Ney told reporters.

The Republican had earlier insisted he would not resign, even if indicted over his dealings with Abramoff. "I'd like to state once again for the record, that I do not know Jack," Ney insisted. "Ultimately this decision came down to my family. Or as we like to call ourselves, La Cosa Neystra."

Ney faced a tough challenge in November from Democrat Zack Space, a law director who had made the Justice Department's investigation into Ney a focus of his campaign. "Look, how can we expect to have a debate about the issues when all Space wants to talk about is how Bob is about to get arrested," said Ney spokeswoman Katie Harbath. "Like that's so unusual or something."

Federal prosecutors have described Ney in court documents as having received gifts, trips and other things of value from Abramoff and his associates. "Bob's a likeable guy," Harbath said. "People like to give him things. What's wrong with that? I mean besides the whole buying Congress thing."

"Bob Ney was forced out of this race by the reality of an electorate demanding change from the culture of corruption in Washington and a Congress that compulsively puts special interests first at every opportunity," said Tom Delay from his Texas campaign headquarters in Virginia. "I mean, it's a democratic witch hunt."

Friday Hound Blogging

Has the world gone mad? Have we suddenly lost our sense of priorities? Do we suddenly care about something besides ourselves? Will I have to get a real job? That must be what the overlords are thinking this week because it turns out the citizenry is a wee bit upset with the quality of their care for the units...er...dogs.

The Florida State Attorney's Office refused to roll over in the animal cruelty case of two racing greyhound handlers, by amending the felony charges a judge found defective earlier this week. Prosecutors said they plan to refile the charges, which they say are based in part on "failure" by the handlers to get medical attention for the injured animals. "These idiots have combined have the IQ of a dog turd and yet they were given responsibility for care of the dogs." said a spokesperson from the Prosecutor's office. "We really should be going after the low lifes that put them in that position, but we have to start somewhere."

Elsewhere in overlord land:

Veterinarian James Mason has been found guilty and fined $5000 on seven charges at a judicial hearing by the sport. Two charges involved disposing of post- race urine samples - one from a dog he had tried to dope - while betting on other dogs. Vets are forbidden to bet on races at which they are on duty. Chair of the Investigating Committee Eddie Doherty said the corruption struck at the heart of greyhound racing's integrity. "I didn't know we were supposed to have integrity," Mason told reporters.

And that's not all:

Two greyhound trainers have been suspended after they were caught on camera taking their dogs to be slaughtered. Sid Fenwick and his daughter Gillian Young were captured handing over two greyhounds to David Smith. "Is that wrong?" asked Fenwick. "'Cause nobody told us it was wrong. They just said get rid of the trash."

"But I kill 'em quick," Smith added. "That makes it OK, doesn't it? What are you supposed to do with 'em. They can't make nobody no money anymore."

Hmmm...well, the overlords say it's not like greyhounds have anything else to offer besides helping with their trailer payments, huh Petie? What's that you say Petie? Hey, we can't print that in a family blog. Besides, the overlords can barely tie their shoes without written instructions, and that sounds like a fairly complex position, not to mention that it's probably illegal in several states.


Petie is a very calm, small boy. He is intelligent, curious and loves to explore his surroundings. He would make someone a wonderful walking companion. Petie is also a fun and loving greyhound. He will throw his toys up high in the air and jump to catch them. He does leaps and bounds while playing with toys. He would benefit from someone who would spend time everyday playing with him. He is a Velcro boy so he does shadow his family around. As most dogs he would benefit from an obedience class. Petie is looking for a fun family looking to have a nice companion and a dog who really likes to play. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And In My Dreams It Rains Rose Petals. In My Dreams

Oh, yeah baby! We're Ironicus and we're on a ROAD TRIP! Well, technically we were on a road trip because we're back now, and as sharp eyed readers of this blog may have noticed, entries have been as scarce as mid-east peace plans the past few days. (Sorry we didn't call mom, but the bars were so noisy...er...we lost your number...umm...there was no cell coverage where we were? Yeah. That's the ticket.)

And so we bid a fond adieu to the places we went, and the people we met. Even our romantic mode of conveyance has returned to the mundane means by which we transport ourselves to and from the place where our superiors are under the delusion that we are actually doing something for which we might ethically expect to be paid. Some people.

And speaking of some people, we see that Secretary of Defense Crusty McDizzy has deigned to come down off his perch and address the common mortals.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld warned on Thursday against pulling U.S. troops out of Iraq before the second coming, saying it would be seen as a victory by extremists who want to control the Middle East. "If we leave before Jesus controls that region of the middle east, then Allah will control that region of the middle east and Jesus won't," Rumsfeld told a Congressional Committee. "It's a pretty complicated scenario. I wouldn't expect you to understand."

When one Senator asked him if the goal wasn't to let the people who live in the region control themselves, Rumsfeld replied that "The US knows what's best for the people of the region, that's why they welcomed us as liberators."

Another Senator mentioned that with the death toll to American soldiers approaching 2600 and more than 40,000 civilian casualties the situation could hardly be called a welcome. Rumsfeld assured the committee that the party had "gotten just a little out of hand" and as soon as the Iraqi's were done celebrating things would get back to normal. "Shooting guns off and stuff is part of how they celebrate, he said. "Sort of like Kentucky."

The head of U.S. Central Command, Army General John Abizaid, played down prospects for reducing troop levels in Iraq this year because of violence in Baghdad. "But that doesn't me we aren't winning, because we are," he added. "You just don't hear about it from the main stream media because they keep getting shot before they can find a school we just painted, or a hospital we replaced the windows in. Just wait until we get the power back up to pre-war levels in Baghdad, then you'll see."

"Sectarian violence probably is as bad as I've seen it, in Baghdad in particular," he said. "If not stopped, it is possible that Iraq could move toward civil war." When asked if the situation in Iraq wasn't already indicative of a civil war Abizaid replied that he didn't think so "because Secretary Rumsfeld assured me that it wasn't. The man's clearly a genius."

The Pentagon last week agreed to add more than 3,000 troops to Iraq's capital, extending those soldiers' deployments. When asked how long he thought he could keep extending soldiers' deployments before it started to affect their morale, Rumsfeld replied that he was sure he could do it "until I'm out of office."

Marine Corps General Peter Pace, the top U.S. military officer, was asked by a senator if he would have seen the chance of civil war a year ago. He replied, "No sir. Of course the Secretary doesn't let us read the papers, or watch the news, so I"m probably not the best guy to ask."

Friday Hound Blogging

Rut Ro. Looks like that pesky math has sneaked up and bit the overlords. Again.

The Arizona Department of Racing is investigating allegations that 100 to 200 greyhounds that had recently raced at Tucson Greyhound Park have gone missing. "These concerns are serious enough for us to look into," said Geoffrey Gonsher, director of the Department of Racing, which regulates greyhound racing in Arizona.

"They've got to be around here someplace," said a track representative. "Have you looked in the kennel? Oh, yeah. The empty cages. That's how come we knew they were gone in the first place. Never mind."

The dogs in question are not owned by Tucson Greyhound Park, but instead by kennels. Tucson Greyhound Park uses a Colorado-based trainer to haul the dogs to their next destinations, said Tony Fasulo, the park's chief operating officer. Efforts to reach the trainer were unsuccessful. "Yeah. He gets lost a lot. The last time we sent him to Colorado he ended up in New Hampshire," Fasulo said. "I'm sure once we find him we'll find the dogs."

Efforts to reach Chris McConnell, general manager for Tucson Greyhound Park, were unsuccessful. "Did you look in the kennel?" Fasulo asked.

The allegations of missing dogs from Tucson have been circulating among greyhound advocates since winter, said Susan Netboy, president of the Greyhound Protection League, a national advocacy group. "They (the dogs) haven't appeared where individuals were told they were supposed to arrive," she said. "They did not arrive at their destination, to the best of our knowledge."

Netboy said she contacted the Colorado Division of Racing about the missing dogs in February and requested a formal investigation. After several months the investigation was made inactive because of a lack of witnesses, according to a June 1 letter sent to Netboy from Colorado Division of Racing.

Boy, looks like everybody's gone missing, huh Harley?


Harley will greet everyone he meets with a wagging tail. Even when he is enjoying a meal his tail wags. When he seeks attention from you he will put his head right into you so you have no choice but to pet him. He is a happy boy who enjoys playing with his dog toys. He is very much the typical greyhound shadow with his foster family. Harley would do ok with a working family home who can come home midday to let him out. He gets along fine with other dogs but will also do ok as an only dog with a family who will exercise him everyday. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Oh, And That Whole 'Big Bang' Thing? Never Happened

OK, so what does Al Gore do when the Supreme Court votes him out of office? Act like any self respecting politician and join a lobbying group? Let his friends hire him for some seven figure do nothing job? Nope. He goes back to a cause he's been working on for most of his professional life. One that could make the difference between keeping the human race percolating along until Captain Kirk can be born, or getting all of us inducted into the Dinosaur Memorial Hall of Potential Fossils. You just can't trust a guy like that can you Senator Inhofe?

Inhofe, believes that man made global warming is "the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people. It's right up there with evolution, germs cause disease, and Bush is a competent president," he said.

The Oklahoma Republican is chairman of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee which is kind of like having Alfred E. Neuman in charge of the space program. Inhofe insists that he feels even stronger about taking on what he sees as the current hysteria about global warming than he did several years ago when he first uttered that now-famous hoax statement. "What? You think I'm supposed to change my mind just because a bunch of pencil necked science geeks have done a couple of studies? OK over 900 studies, but are you going to trust the word of some college trained beaker monkey who probably believes Noah didn't sail in the Ark, or me, a life insurance salesman?

In an interview, he heaped criticism on what he saw as the strategy used by those on the other side of the debate and offered a historical comparison. "It kind of reminds . . . I could use the Third Reich, the big lie," Inhofe said. At that point the interview was stopped while Senator Inhofe was awarded a certificate of appreciation for his dedicated support of Godwin's Law.

Inhofe insists that the number of polar bears is not dropping and that some of the glaciers in the national parks are actually getting bigger. "How do I know this, you ask? Because were it otherwise, my world view would be discredited, and I know Jesus wouldn't let that happen."

As for the Kilimanjaro glacier, which reportedly is disappearing, Inhofe said the loss can be blamed on the cutting of trees, which once held the moisture. "See, the moisture is trapped with little moisture elves in the trees when the tree is cut down. The glacier elves used to trade leather goods for water and when the tree elves are gone the market dries up and the glacier elf colonies move away. Sort of like out sourcing. That causes the glacier to shrink. It's basic economics any school boy would know if we could teach the evolution controversy in our schools."

"One by one, you can refute everything they are saying," Inhofe said. "You just have to believe whatever the voices in your head tell you."

We're Here to Broker A Peace. As Long As You Lose And We Win

OK Mr. Scary Arab Terrorist Dude. Time to pack up your Katyusha and start thinking about those 72 virgins 'cause Condi's in town and she's got her booty kickin' boots on. Sure, she sneaked into town almost two weeks after the fighting started, stayed long enough to finish half her Cappuccino and left before her chauffeur had a chance to hit the head, but it's the appearance that counts, right? Just ask the president.

US Secretary of State Condolezza Rice, who has been steadfast in her support for Israel's fruitless war on Hezbollah, said she wanted an "urgent ceasefire," but insisted it should be sustainable. "By that we mean that there would be no militants left to shoot back at our friends the Israelis. "

At least eight civilians were killed, including children, when Israeli fighter jets pounded southern Lebanon, turning homes to rubble. "Or no Lebanon, whichever."

Rice held window dressing talks in Beirut and Jerusalem at the start of a show mission to act like she cared about ending the conflict in Lebanon, where deadly violence raged on for the 13th straight day. "We're here to see that nothing is done until Hezbollah is crushed," said an aide to the Secretary. "Because we believe that if the Israelis attack the militants the same way they have for the last sixty years, it will work this time."

She arrived in Israel late Monday with Washington saying it was now spearheading international diplomatic efforts to end a conflict that has killed 373 people in Lebanon, most of them civilians, in barely two weeks. "That's right," Rice told reporters. "And as soon as my bombs get here we gonna be doin' some spearheading on your skinny butt Mr. His Bollah or Naz Rallah, or whatever you call yourself, 'cause we're all about peace and stuff."

Her visit came as Washington appeared increasingly estranged from many European and Arab allies over Israel's massive onslaught that has set off fears of a humanitarian disaster as thousands of foreigners and Lebanese flee. "Hey, you want to make an omelet, you got to break some eggs," Rice said.

Despite Israeli claims it would quickly hobble Hezbollah, a minister said it was time for the government to reevaluate its goals. "We raised hopes too high by promising to disarm Hezbollah's armed wing and decapitate its leadership. Of course, we've been saying that for the last sixty years. You'd think the militants would get the message by now, but no, they just keep blowing things up and making us wreck another country."

Israel's failure to knock out Hezbollah despite its vastly superior military might and has now caused it to accept the placement of some form of international force in southern Lebanon, currently in the grip of the Shiite militia. "Yeah. We've been bombing these guys for sixty years and they're still around. Maybe this isn't such a good strategy," said one Israeli commander.

Streams of people have been making a desperate trek from the area after Israel ordered them to leave their homes and massed troops on the border. The offensive has left Lebanon virtually cut off from the world, made hundreds of thousands of people refugees in their own country and destroyed billions of dollars of infrastructure. "Hey, what'd I tell you?" Rice asked. "Omelet. Eggs. You want peace? We have to win. Besides, the weather's OK over here. People can live outside most of the year."

Israel launched a public relations offensive led by its best-known elder statesman Shimon Peres to tell the world why it was not yet silencing its guns. "The free world is facing a threat, the goal of Hezbollah is to set the world aflame and we will not let them succeed," Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni said. "We will set the world aflame ourselves first. What's that Secretary Rice always says about the omelet?"

Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah remained defiant, vowing that deeper incursions would not stop the rocket fire, and ruling out any efforts for a negotiated settlement unless it involved a prisoner swap. "We are truly in a state of war and Hezbollah's priority is to stop the savage Zionist aggression on Lebanon," he told As-Safir newspaper. "Well, actually we don't care too much about Lebanon because it isn't our country. We're just renting."

As the bombardments continued, foreign governments have laid on ferries, warships and cruise liners to evacuate stranded nationals, mainly to the nearby resort island of Cyprus which has been battling to find temporary accommodation and flights for the estimated 70,000 evacuees at peak summer holiday season. "One thing the US and her allies can agree on is that it's important to get the white folks out," said a State Department spokesperson.

Join MySpace.com. Sergeant Friendly Is Waiting For You

Boo Yah! The Marines are looking for a few good men. OK, more than a few. And they don't really care how good they are. And they don't have to be men, so they've taken a page out of the sexual predator's dating handbook and signed up on MySpace.

MySpace.Com is the Internet's most popular social networking site with over 94 million registered users. Teens looking to hook up with a friend on the popular Web community may bump into an unexpected buddy: the U.S. Marine Corps. So far, over 12,000 Web surfers have signed on as friends of the Corps in response to the latest military recruiting tactic.

Over 430 people have asked to contact a Marine recruiter through the site in the five months since the page went up, including some 170 who are considered "targets" or prospective Marine recruits. When asked if a response of 170 out of 94 million was acceptable, a Marine spokesperson replied that it wasn't easy finding people who didn't read the papers or watch the news.

Patrick Baldwin, an 18-year-old recruit from Saratoga, N.Y., who linked his profile to the Marines' site after hearing about it from a friend, said MySpace was a good place for interested teens to start learning more about the Marines. "The more information they give you the less you have to worry about. At least that's what they told me," said Baldwin, who left for boot camp a few weeks ago. When asked how he felt about serving in the war in Iraq Baldwin replied "What war in Iraq? Man. I gotta start reading the papers and watching the news."

"That's the kind of guy we like," said Gunnery Sgt. Brian Lancioni at a Hawaii recruiting event. "Everything's technical with these kids, and the Internet is a great way to show what the Marine Corps has to offer. Well, except for the dying in a meaningless war part. We tend to keep that on the down low."

The Army initially posted ads on MySpace in January but withdrew them a month later when reports emerged about child predators approaching youths via the site. MySpace has since assured the Army it has better security protections in place.

"Turns out it was the Marines all along. We just thought they were predators," said Louise Eaton, media and Web chief for the U.S. Army Accession Command. "We like to go to where the kids are away from their parents to try to inform them of the opportunities we offer, like free artificial limbs, post traumatic stress syndrome counseling, and colorful ribbons."

As for other branches, the Air Force places regular advertisements on MySpace, but doesn't have a profile. The Navy hasn't used MySpace. "We don't have as many units in Iraq so recruiting hasn't been as tough for us," said a Navy spokesman.

Friday Hound Blogging

We've written before about the overlords love for their units...er...dogs, most recently the impassioned speech by Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park owner George Carney who, speaking for caring overlords all over the world, defended the quality care and loving commitment that is a hallmark of the racing industry. Well, there is this, but hey, nobody's perfect. Umm...and this. And...well...just when you think you've had enough, this.

So it's pretty well established that people like overlord Carney are so deep in the state of denial their rose colored glasses need rose colored glasses, or completely disconnected from this space time continuum, or creatures with souls so black and hearts so empty that they hardly qualify as members of the human race.

After reading this, we vote for the latter.

An investigation by The Sunday Times newspaper focused on a site in the Durham area of northern England where it said some 10,000 former racing greyhounds had been put down over the past 15 years, simply because they had become too old to compete. It alleged the animals were killed with a bolt gun – which is legal under current law.

You read that right. A bolt gun. Which is legal. Several papers in England also broke the story. If you haven't eaten yet, you can read more here and here, but we recommend this one which interviews the sorry mass of protoplasm masquerading as a man.

An alleged "man" at the centre of a greyhound slaughtering storm yesterday said the affair had caused him "massive distress" but refused to talk about his actions. David Smith spoke briefly after arriving at his home, which overlooks land where he is said to have killed and buried around 10,000 greyhounds.

Oh...poor baby. Can't sleep well? Having a little trouble focusing? Can't seem to enjoy your life these days? Could it be because you're soul has rotted out and your heart is the size of a BB? Just asking.

And here's the topper. The problem isn't that the guy killed 10,000 greyhounds simply because they couldn't help their overlords make the trailer payment. "Well, let's not get carried away here," said a racing industry spokeperson. "It's not like they are pets or anything. It's not like they're Fluffy or Fido. They're professional athletes. And what do we do with professional athletes when they can no longer compete in their sport? We...We...OK bad example."

No, the problemm is that the massive burial site may be a health hazard. A Sunday Times investigation claimed David Smith, of Seaham, County Durham, had shot 10,000 dogs with a bolt gun and buried them in his allotment. The spokesman added that any public health issues arising from the burial of dogs on Mr Smith's land were a matter for the local authority and not the police. Durham Police said Mr Smith has committed no offence. They said the builders' merchant held the bolt gun legally.

"Committed no offense." And after the police spokesman said that, his head did not explode. We, however, must quit this post before ours does.

Jolly, as members of the human race, we're profoundly sorry to be associated with right now, please, when dogs take over the word, don't eat us.


Jolly is confident, independent, and quiet. She is also very loving. She does not mind spending time alone as long as she knows where you are. She likes to give kisses and enjoys being petted. She loves to play with toys and loves to scatter them about the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

We're The Good Guys. When We Break The Law It's The "Adaptive Justice" Protocol

OK look, the rap against president Bush has been that he's incompetent, inefficient and disconnected from reality, but when you take a close look at his policies you can see the stunning brilliance and breathtaking originality of his mind.

The Office of Professional Responsibility announced earlier this year it could not pursue an investigation into the role of Justice lawyers in crafting the program because it could not obtain security clearance to examine the classified program. "Right." Gonzales said. "What part of 'secret program of eavesdropping' don't you understand?"

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said that President Bush personally blocked Justice Department lawyers from pursuing an internal probe of the warrantless eavesdropping program that monitors Americans’ international calls and e-mails when terrorism is suspected. "The president was concerned that taking time away from our eavesdropping to comply with laws would unnecessarily complicate our ability to find out who's in league with the democrats...er... the terrorists." Gonzales said.

Under sharp questioning from Senate Judiciary Committee chairman Arlen Specter (R-Siryessir), Gonzales said that Bush would not grant the access needed to allow the probe to move forward. "This invasion of American's personal liberties and freedoms is essential to the protection of our personal liberties and freedoms," he said. "If we allow it to be investigated for compliance with our laws, we will be deprived of one of our most valuable weapons...the ability to do whatever we want to...just because a small minority of Americans think laws are more important than the president's judgment."

Bush’s 2001 directive authorized the National Security Agency to monitor — without court warrants — the communications of people on U.S. soil when noncompliance with administration policies is suspected. The administration initially resisted efforts to write a new law, contending that no legal changes were needed because laws were meant for people outside of the Bush White House. But after pretty much everyone in the country except Rush Limbaugh figured out that Bush thought the Constitution was a tourist attraction in Massachusettsetts, administration officials have grown more open to legislation.

"It's not that we're against obeying existing laws," Gonzales told a Senate panel. "It's just that in order to obey the law you have to know what it says and...well...the president reads really slowly. Plus he needs to have his dictionary right there with him. The vice president said it was OK. If you have a problem with the program, take it up with him."

Under a deal with Senator Specter Bush agreed conditionally to a court review of his antiterror eavesdropping operations. "The condition is that they have to agree our program is legal before we'll let them see it," said Tony Snowjob, White House Press Secretary.

We've Been Out Of Town. You Mean He's Still President?

Oh, we're back baby. The wit and wisdom of the inhabitants of the marbled halls have been on the road these last couple of days. Yeah. It was a small car. Anyway did you miss us? Did you even notice we were gone? If you did...er...well...if you did you probably need more to do.

Anyway we're back at IM Central now and ready to dispense the erudite, cogent and timely observations you've come to expect from us. Man...you really do need more to do.

So what's president Stumpy been up to these last couple of days? Let's see. He used a swear word and several media outlets wet themselves. Apparently it's OK to drag the world to the brink of armageddon, just don't get all fowl mouthed about it.

Back home after molesting the German Chancellor, Bush is ready to veto the stem cell research bill because all life is precious and needs to be protected. Well, except for Iraqi life. And Lebanese life. And the folks in Darfur. Oh, and kids. Let's not forget about kids. "Look, our job is to get you born." White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob told reporters. "After that, you're on your own. Is it our fault you weren't born into a rich family?"

Yeah. We see where you're coming from. Oh, look here, Bush plans to speak to the NAACP for the first time since he was a candidate. This ought to be interesting. Tony Snowjob said Bush decided to speak to the group Thursday because of "a moment of opportunity" for the president to lie about his civil rights record. "He figures he can say what he wants and no one will notice because black people are all on the crack, you know? It's a perfect audience for us."

Bush's decision comes in a critical midterm election year, when Republicans fear losing control of Congress and Bush has been working to get more votes for the GOP. Bush received just 11 percent of the black vote in the 2004 election. "The president plans to use our support of the voting rights act as a platform to attract black voters," Snowjob said. "Oh, wait. We didn't support that. Let me get back to you."

You do that. We'll be on the road.

Friday Hound Blogging

Dang activist judges! The state’s highest court on Thursday ruled that a ballot question that would have banned greyhound racing in Massachusetts should not appear on the November ballot, ending a second bid by racing opponents. Sure. We bet if Jesus had been mentioned somewhere in the proposition it would have passed with flying colors.

The court said Attorney General Tom Reilly's office should not have certified the question because it also seeks to expand criminal laws that penalize dog fighting and the neglect or abuse of dogs. The court found the question could confuse voters by combining several different questions into one. "See, the problem is greyhounds aren't really dogs," said George Carney, owner of the Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park. "We like to call them out little profit centers.

Carney’s attorney, Joel Kozol, said “It bears out the proposition that the voters are entitled to an up or down vote, and the attempt to mix in unrelated matters was improper. I mean come on, putting greyhounds in the same category with working dogs like police dogs? What's up with that?”

"Just look at them. Do they look like dogs to you?" Careny added.

Yeah. You get mistaken for George Clooney all the time don't you Bowtie?

Bowtie is definitely a momma’s boy. He is loving and affectionate. He is a big leaner, he will press his body against you for attention. He is laidback and mellow. He has his playful moments and he loves to run in the yard. He also likes to sunbathe. He was found in a shelter in June 2006. He was initially shy and fearful in his foster home, but now he is very relaxed – part of the family. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Oh, There's A Law About That?

We're coming to you today from the Make A Virtue Of Necessity Department here in the Marbled Halls of IM Central where we are proud to present the Bush Administration's latest version of When A Smackdown Isn't Really A Smackdown.

All US military detainees, including those at Guantanamo Bay, are to be treated in line with the minimum standards of the Geneva Conventions. The White House announced the shift in policy after the US Supreme Court ruled that the conventions applied to detainees. "Well, 'shift' is such a perjorative word," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "We prefer to call it a flexation, as in 'the policy underwent a flexation that re-established a relationship...which we aren't admitting didn't previously exist...but if it had, then this flexation would have been adequate to adjust for the disconnect...seeming disconnect...with previously established so called international, for lack of a better word, law...er...custom. Clear now?"

President Bush had long fought the idea that US detainees were prisoners of war entitled to Geneva Convention rights. "Funny story there," said Snowjob. "When the president heard 'convention' he immediately thought of an open bar, strippers, coke in the hotel room...you know, convention stuff. We explained that this was a different kind of convention. He understands better now. We used visual aids."

The Pentagon outlined the new standards to the military in a memo. Tony Snowjob said that the Pentagon directive did not represent a change: "It is not really a reversal of policy. Humane treatment has always been the standard, but heck, when have we ever lived up to any standard in this administration?"

Bush was dealt a blow when the Supreme Court ruled it had overstepped its authority in setting up the tribunals, so Republican senators immediately began planning how to win congressional approval for new tribunals. "Well, whenever we break the law we just change the law," said Snowjob. "It's a lot easier than..you know...actually having to obey it and all. If we do that, the terrorists win."

President Bush told reporters he promised to take the findings of the court "very seriously." When asked if that meant he was actually going to obey the law the president responded, "Probably not, but that will be classified information and any leakers will be prosecuted for treason. I'm looking at you Laura. Let's just settle this between ourselves."

Within minutes of the court ruling, a small group of Republican senators were trying to sort out the mess. "This 'Nation of Laws, not of Men' thing gets pretty freaking inconvenient at times like this," said senator Bill Frist, (R-DeathcabforKitty).

A former military lawyer who is leading the efforts to salvage the tribunal system, Senator Lindsey Graham, (R- Cracker) predicted that the Senate would begin work on ideas for new tribunals within weeks and vote on the plan in September. "Forget that Medicare stuff. Who cares about Social Security? This is important. We got brown people getting white people rights here. That's not the America I grew up in." the Senator said.

Meanwhile, Sen Arlen Specter (R - Whatever), a moderate Republican who chairs the powerful judiciary committee, introduced an "Unprivileged Combatant Act" which would, he said, balance "the need for national security with the need to kick us some A Rab butt."

Excuse Us While We Fall Through This Rabbit Hole

OK, full disclosure. We never liked economics. Just don't get it. So you got your supply and your demand, but when you've got someone "supplying" us with something we really don't want or need then they have to create the demand which means the supplier controls the demand, so the whole equation gets skewed. So is that the relationship we should be studying instead of how slick the supplier is at getting us to want something we wouldn't ordinarily want. You see our dilemma.

Which is why we're going to need someone to explain this to us.

President Bush touted new deficit figures Tuesday showing considerable improvement upon earlier administration predictions, saying it shows the wisdom of his tax cuts. Bush said the improvement is due to tax cuts he pushed in 2001 and 2003. Impressive profits and big income gains by the wealthy are largely responsible for the surge in revenues and, in turn, the deficit drop.

So, the deficit went down because the president cut taxes leading to an increase in taxes paid to the government. All together now...Whaaaa?

"Economic growth fueled by tax relief has sent our tax revenues soaring," Bush said. "But that's nothing compared to how much more money my corporate friends are making. Heck they're raking in so much they aren't even bothering to shelter it from the government anymore. Now is that economic growth or what?"

When asked if he felt his tax policy had improved economic conditions for groups in America other than corporations and the wealthy, Bush replied that he wasn't aware that there were other groups. "You aren't talking about immigrants are you? You mean the guest workers?"

"Any statistic you look at recognizes the rich in America are getting richer, the poor are getting poorer and the middle class is getting squeezed." said Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-Imafeistyguy.

"Oh, you mean democrats," Bush replied. "Yeah. Whatever."

However, the results are less impressive when compared to the $318 billion deficit posted last fall for fiscal 2005. Despite strong revenues, the high costs of the Iraq war and Gulf Coast hurricane relief have weighed on the deficit — as have higher interest payments paid on the national debt. "Look, this whole 'put it in context' thing is beginning to annoy me," the president said. "The American people don't want the big picture. Heck, they don't even want the little picture. Why do you think they elected me twice? OK, once, but it was the second time. More people voted for American Idol than for me. You really think they want me to take this stuff seriously?"

"Bold pro-growth tax policies enacted by a sycophant Congress and the clueless president have sparked unprecedented economic growth," said Senate Budget Committee Chairman Judd Gregg, R-Smoochisbutt, "Uhh...unless you're one of those people who has to work for a living."

"We've had extraordinarily good profit growth, and when you have better profit growth than wage growth you tend to have windfall tax revenues because taxes on profits are higher than taxes on wages," said Diane Swonk, chief economist for Mesirow Financial, a Chicago-based financial services firm. "Or, to look at it another way, people who are two paychecks from living in poverty don't tend to pay a lot of taxes. But we're working on that."

Some budget experts say the steep rise in tax receipts looks more impressive than it really is since revenues are bouncing back from a three-year decline during Bush's first term, drops not seen since the Great Depression. "There's that 'context' thing again." Bush said. I told you guys to quit doing that. Don't make me get the vice president down here."

Friday Hound Blogging

Man, big doings in Massachusetts. A group of animal-rights activists, which calls itself the Committee to Protect Dogs, announced that it collected 150,000 signatures for a petition to send the proposal to the voters. That's more than 13 times the number of signatures state law requires to get such an initiative on the ballot.

Thirteen times the number of signatures required. What do the overlords think of that? The act is confusing, Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park owner George Carney said, because the proposed ban on greyhound racing is packaged with initiatives to create more severe punishments for people who abuse police dogs or partake in dog fighting. "People are going to read that and think we abuse the units."

"State records show that hundreds of greyhounds are seriously injured while racing in Massachusetts, including dogs that suffer broken legs, cardiac arrest, seizures and spinal cord paralysis," Christine Dorchak, chairwoman of the Committee to Protect Dogs said.

"Yeah, well there is that," Carney replied.

Carney's attorney, Joel Kozol, argued that besides being misleading, the Dog Protection Act is unconstitutional. "Look, these guys have a right to make a living. Well, actually it's the dogs who do all the work, but still..."

A shutdown of the racing industry would hurt Raynham's economy, Selectman Donald McKinnon said. "People have a right to their opinion, and I'm of the opinion dead end, low skill jobs are vital to the town of Raynham," McKinnon said. Between 400 and 500 of people at the greyhound park could lose their low wage no benefit jobs if racing is banned, Carney said. "There just aren't enough Walmarts in the area to take up slack like that," he added.

Raynham-Taunton Manager Gary Temple said he thinks voters will side with the racing industry. "We're confident that if the truth gets out, people will see how the dogs are mistreated and we'll have to run a misinformation campaign, just like we did in 1999. That was a close vote, but we managed to distract people just enough."

Misinformation huh? Finally something the overlords are good at, right Pheobe?


Pheobe is very sweet and likes to be at your side all the time. She is gentle, but likes to play. She is very affectionate. She gives kisses and loves to be petted all over. She likes to roll back and forth on her back. She really enjoys playing, and will turn herself quickly in circles when laying on a beanbag. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.