Friday Hound Blogging

Rut Ro. Looks like that pesky math has sneaked up and bit the overlords. Again.

The Arizona Department of Racing is investigating allegations that 100 to 200 greyhounds that had recently raced at Tucson Greyhound Park have gone missing. "These concerns are serious enough for us to look into," said Geoffrey Gonsher, director of the Department of Racing, which regulates greyhound racing in Arizona.

"They've got to be around here someplace," said a track representative. "Have you looked in the kennel? Oh, yeah. The empty cages. That's how come we knew they were gone in the first place. Never mind."

The dogs in question are not owned by Tucson Greyhound Park, but instead by kennels. Tucson Greyhound Park uses a Colorado-based trainer to haul the dogs to their next destinations, said Tony Fasulo, the park's chief operating officer. Efforts to reach the trainer were unsuccessful. "Yeah. He gets lost a lot. The last time we sent him to Colorado he ended up in New Hampshire," Fasulo said. "I'm sure once we find him we'll find the dogs."

Efforts to reach Chris McConnell, general manager for Tucson Greyhound Park, were unsuccessful. "Did you look in the kennel?" Fasulo asked.

The allegations of missing dogs from Tucson have been circulating among greyhound advocates since winter, said Susan Netboy, president of the Greyhound Protection League, a national advocacy group. "They (the dogs) haven't appeared where individuals were told they were supposed to arrive," she said. "They did not arrive at their destination, to the best of our knowledge."

Netboy said she contacted the Colorado Division of Racing about the missing dogs in February and requested a formal investigation. After several months the investigation was made inactive because of a lack of witnesses, according to a June 1 letter sent to Netboy from Colorado Division of Racing.

Boy, looks like everybody's gone missing, huh Harley?


Harley will greet everyone he meets with a wagging tail. Even when he is enjoying a meal his tail wags. When he seeks attention from you he will put his head right into you so you have no choice but to pet him. He is a happy boy who enjoys playing with his dog toys. He is very much the typical greyhound shadow with his foster family. Harley would do ok with a working family home who can come home midday to let him out. He gets along fine with other dogs but will also do ok as an only dog with a family who will exercise him everyday. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Oh, And That Whole 'Big Bang' Thing? Never Happened

OK, so what does Al Gore do when the Supreme Court votes him out of office? Act like any self respecting politician and join a lobbying group? Let his friends hire him for some seven figure do nothing job? Nope. He goes back to a cause he's been working on for most of his professional life. One that could make the difference between keeping the human race percolating along until Captain Kirk can be born, or getting all of us inducted into the Dinosaur Memorial Hall of Potential Fossils. You just can't trust a guy like that can you Senator Inhofe?

Inhofe, believes that man made global warming is "the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people. It's right up there with evolution, germs cause disease, and Bush is a competent president," he said.

The Oklahoma Republican is chairman of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee which is kind of like having Alfred E. Neuman in charge of the space program. Inhofe insists that he feels even stronger about taking on what he sees as the current hysteria about global warming than he did several years ago when he first uttered that now-famous hoax statement. "What? You think I'm supposed to change my mind just because a bunch of pencil necked science geeks have done a couple of studies? OK over 900 studies, but are you going to trust the word of some college trained beaker monkey who probably believes Noah didn't sail in the Ark, or me, a life insurance salesman?

In an interview, he heaped criticism on what he saw as the strategy used by those on the other side of the debate and offered a historical comparison. "It kind of reminds . . . I could use the Third Reich, the big lie," Inhofe said. At that point the interview was stopped while Senator Inhofe was awarded a certificate of appreciation for his dedicated support of Godwin's Law.

Inhofe insists that the number of polar bears is not dropping and that some of the glaciers in the national parks are actually getting bigger. "How do I know this, you ask? Because were it otherwise, my world view would be discredited, and I know Jesus wouldn't let that happen."

As for the Kilimanjaro glacier, which reportedly is disappearing, Inhofe said the loss can be blamed on the cutting of trees, which once held the moisture. "See, the moisture is trapped with little moisture elves in the trees when the tree is cut down. The glacier elves used to trade leather goods for water and when the tree elves are gone the market dries up and the glacier elf colonies move away. Sort of like out sourcing. That causes the glacier to shrink. It's basic economics any school boy would know if we could teach the evolution controversy in our schools."

"One by one, you can refute everything they are saying," Inhofe said. "You just have to believe whatever the voices in your head tell you."

We're Here to Broker A Peace. As Long As You Lose And We Win

OK Mr. Scary Arab Terrorist Dude. Time to pack up your Katyusha and start thinking about those 72 virgins 'cause Condi's in town and she's got her booty kickin' boots on. Sure, she sneaked into town almost two weeks after the fighting started, stayed long enough to finish half her Cappuccino and left before her chauffeur had a chance to hit the head, but it's the appearance that counts, right? Just ask the president.

US Secretary of State Condolezza Rice, who has been steadfast in her support for Israel's fruitless war on Hezbollah, said she wanted an "urgent ceasefire," but insisted it should be sustainable. "By that we mean that there would be no militants left to shoot back at our friends the Israelis. "

At least eight civilians were killed, including children, when Israeli fighter jets pounded southern Lebanon, turning homes to rubble. "Or no Lebanon, whichever."

Rice held window dressing talks in Beirut and Jerusalem at the start of a show mission to act like she cared about ending the conflict in Lebanon, where deadly violence raged on for the 13th straight day. "We're here to see that nothing is done until Hezbollah is crushed," said an aide to the Secretary. "Because we believe that if the Israelis attack the militants the same way they have for the last sixty years, it will work this time."

She arrived in Israel late Monday with Washington saying it was now spearheading international diplomatic efforts to end a conflict that has killed 373 people in Lebanon, most of them civilians, in barely two weeks. "That's right," Rice told reporters. "And as soon as my bombs get here we gonna be doin' some spearheading on your skinny butt Mr. His Bollah or Naz Rallah, or whatever you call yourself, 'cause we're all about peace and stuff."

Her visit came as Washington appeared increasingly estranged from many European and Arab allies over Israel's massive onslaught that has set off fears of a humanitarian disaster as thousands of foreigners and Lebanese flee. "Hey, you want to make an omelet, you got to break some eggs," Rice said.

Despite Israeli claims it would quickly hobble Hezbollah, a minister said it was time for the government to reevaluate its goals. "We raised hopes too high by promising to disarm Hezbollah's armed wing and decapitate its leadership. Of course, we've been saying that for the last sixty years. You'd think the militants would get the message by now, but no, they just keep blowing things up and making us wreck another country."

Israel's failure to knock out Hezbollah despite its vastly superior military might and has now caused it to accept the placement of some form of international force in southern Lebanon, currently in the grip of the Shiite militia. "Yeah. We've been bombing these guys for sixty years and they're still around. Maybe this isn't such a good strategy," said one Israeli commander.

Streams of people have been making a desperate trek from the area after Israel ordered them to leave their homes and massed troops on the border. The offensive has left Lebanon virtually cut off from the world, made hundreds of thousands of people refugees in their own country and destroyed billions of dollars of infrastructure. "Hey, what'd I tell you?" Rice asked. "Omelet. Eggs. You want peace? We have to win. Besides, the weather's OK over here. People can live outside most of the year."

Israel launched a public relations offensive led by its best-known elder statesman Shimon Peres to tell the world why it was not yet silencing its guns. "The free world is facing a threat, the goal of Hezbollah is to set the world aflame and we will not let them succeed," Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni said. "We will set the world aflame ourselves first. What's that Secretary Rice always says about the omelet?"

Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah remained defiant, vowing that deeper incursions would not stop the rocket fire, and ruling out any efforts for a negotiated settlement unless it involved a prisoner swap. "We are truly in a state of war and Hezbollah's priority is to stop the savage Zionist aggression on Lebanon," he told As-Safir newspaper. "Well, actually we don't care too much about Lebanon because it isn't our country. We're just renting."

As the bombardments continued, foreign governments have laid on ferries, warships and cruise liners to evacuate stranded nationals, mainly to the nearby resort island of Cyprus which has been battling to find temporary accommodation and flights for the estimated 70,000 evacuees at peak summer holiday season. "One thing the US and her allies can agree on is that it's important to get the white folks out," said a State Department spokesperson.

Join MySpace.com. Sergeant Friendly Is Waiting For You

Boo Yah! The Marines are looking for a few good men. OK, more than a few. And they don't really care how good they are. And they don't have to be men, so they've taken a page out of the sexual predator's dating handbook and signed up on MySpace.

MySpace.Com is the Internet's most popular social networking site with over 94 million registered users. Teens looking to hook up with a friend on the popular Web community may bump into an unexpected buddy: the U.S. Marine Corps. So far, over 12,000 Web surfers have signed on as friends of the Corps in response to the latest military recruiting tactic.

Over 430 people have asked to contact a Marine recruiter through the site in the five months since the page went up, including some 170 who are considered "targets" or prospective Marine recruits. When asked if a response of 170 out of 94 million was acceptable, a Marine spokesperson replied that it wasn't easy finding people who didn't read the papers or watch the news.

Patrick Baldwin, an 18-year-old recruit from Saratoga, N.Y., who linked his profile to the Marines' site after hearing about it from a friend, said MySpace was a good place for interested teens to start learning more about the Marines. "The more information they give you the less you have to worry about. At least that's what they told me," said Baldwin, who left for boot camp a few weeks ago. When asked how he felt about serving in the war in Iraq Baldwin replied "What war in Iraq? Man. I gotta start reading the papers and watching the news."

"That's the kind of guy we like," said Gunnery Sgt. Brian Lancioni at a Hawaii recruiting event. "Everything's technical with these kids, and the Internet is a great way to show what the Marine Corps has to offer. Well, except for the dying in a meaningless war part. We tend to keep that on the down low."

The Army initially posted ads on MySpace in January but withdrew them a month later when reports emerged about child predators approaching youths via the site. MySpace has since assured the Army it has better security protections in place.

"Turns out it was the Marines all along. We just thought they were predators," said Louise Eaton, media and Web chief for the U.S. Army Accession Command. "We like to go to where the kids are away from their parents to try to inform them of the opportunities we offer, like free artificial limbs, post traumatic stress syndrome counseling, and colorful ribbons."

As for other branches, the Air Force places regular advertisements on MySpace, but doesn't have a profile. The Navy hasn't used MySpace. "We don't have as many units in Iraq so recruiting hasn't been as tough for us," said a Navy spokesman.

Friday Hound Blogging

We've written before about the overlords love for their units...er...dogs, most recently the impassioned speech by Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park owner George Carney who, speaking for caring overlords all over the world, defended the quality care and loving commitment that is a hallmark of the racing industry. Well, there is this, but hey, nobody's perfect. Umm...and this. And...well...just when you think you've had enough, this.

So it's pretty well established that people like overlord Carney are so deep in the state of denial their rose colored glasses need rose colored glasses, or completely disconnected from this space time continuum, or creatures with souls so black and hearts so empty that they hardly qualify as members of the human race.

After reading this, we vote for the latter.

An investigation by The Sunday Times newspaper focused on a site in the Durham area of northern England where it said some 10,000 former racing greyhounds had been put down over the past 15 years, simply because they had become too old to compete. It alleged the animals were killed with a bolt gun – which is legal under current law.

You read that right. A bolt gun. Which is legal. Several papers in England also broke the story. If you haven't eaten yet, you can read more here and here, but we recommend this one which interviews the sorry mass of protoplasm masquerading as a man.

An alleged "man" at the centre of a greyhound slaughtering storm yesterday said the affair had caused him "massive distress" but refused to talk about his actions. David Smith spoke briefly after arriving at his home, which overlooks land where he is said to have killed and buried around 10,000 greyhounds.

Oh...poor baby. Can't sleep well? Having a little trouble focusing? Can't seem to enjoy your life these days? Could it be because you're soul has rotted out and your heart is the size of a BB? Just asking.

And here's the topper. The problem isn't that the guy killed 10,000 greyhounds simply because they couldn't help their overlords make the trailer payment. "Well, let's not get carried away here," said a racing industry spokeperson. "It's not like they are pets or anything. It's not like they're Fluffy or Fido. They're professional athletes. And what do we do with professional athletes when they can no longer compete in their sport? We...We...OK bad example."

No, the problemm is that the massive burial site may be a health hazard. A Sunday Times investigation claimed David Smith, of Seaham, County Durham, had shot 10,000 dogs with a bolt gun and buried them in his allotment. The spokesman added that any public health issues arising from the burial of dogs on Mr Smith's land were a matter for the local authority and not the police. Durham Police said Mr Smith has committed no offence. They said the builders' merchant held the bolt gun legally.

"Committed no offense." And after the police spokesman said that, his head did not explode. We, however, must quit this post before ours does.

Jolly, as members of the human race, we're profoundly sorry to be associated with right now, please, when dogs take over the word, don't eat us.


Jolly is confident, independent, and quiet. She is also very loving. She does not mind spending time alone as long as she knows where you are. She likes to give kisses and enjoys being petted. She loves to play with toys and loves to scatter them about the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

We're The Good Guys. When We Break The Law It's The "Adaptive Justice" Protocol

OK look, the rap against president Bush has been that he's incompetent, inefficient and disconnected from reality, but when you take a close look at his policies you can see the stunning brilliance and breathtaking originality of his mind.

The Office of Professional Responsibility announced earlier this year it could not pursue an investigation into the role of Justice lawyers in crafting the program because it could not obtain security clearance to examine the classified program. "Right." Gonzales said. "What part of 'secret program of eavesdropping' don't you understand?"

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said that President Bush personally blocked Justice Department lawyers from pursuing an internal probe of the warrantless eavesdropping program that monitors Americans’ international calls and e-mails when terrorism is suspected. "The president was concerned that taking time away from our eavesdropping to comply with laws would unnecessarily complicate our ability to find out who's in league with the democrats...er... the terrorists." Gonzales said.

Under sharp questioning from Senate Judiciary Committee chairman Arlen Specter (R-Siryessir), Gonzales said that Bush would not grant the access needed to allow the probe to move forward. "This invasion of American's personal liberties and freedoms is essential to the protection of our personal liberties and freedoms," he said. "If we allow it to be investigated for compliance with our laws, we will be deprived of one of our most valuable weapons...the ability to do whatever we want to...just because a small minority of Americans think laws are more important than the president's judgment."

Bush’s 2001 directive authorized the National Security Agency to monitor — without court warrants — the communications of people on U.S. soil when noncompliance with administration policies is suspected. The administration initially resisted efforts to write a new law, contending that no legal changes were needed because laws were meant for people outside of the Bush White House. But after pretty much everyone in the country except Rush Limbaugh figured out that Bush thought the Constitution was a tourist attraction in Massachusettsetts, administration officials have grown more open to legislation.

"It's not that we're against obeying existing laws," Gonzales told a Senate panel. "It's just that in order to obey the law you have to know what it says and...well...the president reads really slowly. Plus he needs to have his dictionary right there with him. The vice president said it was OK. If you have a problem with the program, take it up with him."

Under a deal with Senator Specter Bush agreed conditionally to a court review of his antiterror eavesdropping operations. "The condition is that they have to agree our program is legal before we'll let them see it," said Tony Snowjob, White House Press Secretary.

We've Been Out Of Town. You Mean He's Still President?

Oh, we're back baby. The wit and wisdom of the inhabitants of the marbled halls have been on the road these last couple of days. Yeah. It was a small car. Anyway did you miss us? Did you even notice we were gone? If you did...er...well...if you did you probably need more to do.

Anyway we're back at IM Central now and ready to dispense the erudite, cogent and timely observations you've come to expect from us. Man...you really do need more to do.

So what's president Stumpy been up to these last couple of days? Let's see. He used a swear word and several media outlets wet themselves. Apparently it's OK to drag the world to the brink of armageddon, just don't get all fowl mouthed about it.

Back home after molesting the German Chancellor, Bush is ready to veto the stem cell research bill because all life is precious and needs to be protected. Well, except for Iraqi life. And Lebanese life. And the folks in Darfur. Oh, and kids. Let's not forget about kids. "Look, our job is to get you born." White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob told reporters. "After that, you're on your own. Is it our fault you weren't born into a rich family?"

Yeah. We see where you're coming from. Oh, look here, Bush plans to speak to the NAACP for the first time since he was a candidate. This ought to be interesting. Tony Snowjob said Bush decided to speak to the group Thursday because of "a moment of opportunity" for the president to lie about his civil rights record. "He figures he can say what he wants and no one will notice because black people are all on the crack, you know? It's a perfect audience for us."

Bush's decision comes in a critical midterm election year, when Republicans fear losing control of Congress and Bush has been working to get more votes for the GOP. Bush received just 11 percent of the black vote in the 2004 election. "The president plans to use our support of the voting rights act as a platform to attract black voters," Snowjob said. "Oh, wait. We didn't support that. Let me get back to you."

You do that. We'll be on the road.

Friday Hound Blogging

Dang activist judges! The state’s highest court on Thursday ruled that a ballot question that would have banned greyhound racing in Massachusetts should not appear on the November ballot, ending a second bid by racing opponents. Sure. We bet if Jesus had been mentioned somewhere in the proposition it would have passed with flying colors.

The court said Attorney General Tom Reilly's office should not have certified the question because it also seeks to expand criminal laws that penalize dog fighting and the neglect or abuse of dogs. The court found the question could confuse voters by combining several different questions into one. "See, the problem is greyhounds aren't really dogs," said George Carney, owner of the Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park. "We like to call them out little profit centers.

Carney’s attorney, Joel Kozol, said “It bears out the proposition that the voters are entitled to an up or down vote, and the attempt to mix in unrelated matters was improper. I mean come on, putting greyhounds in the same category with working dogs like police dogs? What's up with that?”

"Just look at them. Do they look like dogs to you?" Careny added.

Yeah. You get mistaken for George Clooney all the time don't you Bowtie?

Bowtie is definitely a momma’s boy. He is loving and affectionate. He is a big leaner, he will press his body against you for attention. He is laidback and mellow. He has his playful moments and he loves to run in the yard. He also likes to sunbathe. He was found in a shelter in June 2006. He was initially shy and fearful in his foster home, but now he is very relaxed – part of the family. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Oh, There's A Law About That?

We're coming to you today from the Make A Virtue Of Necessity Department here in the Marbled Halls of IM Central where we are proud to present the Bush Administration's latest version of When A Smackdown Isn't Really A Smackdown.

All US military detainees, including those at Guantanamo Bay, are to be treated in line with the minimum standards of the Geneva Conventions. The White House announced the shift in policy after the US Supreme Court ruled that the conventions applied to detainees. "Well, 'shift' is such a perjorative word," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "We prefer to call it a flexation, as in 'the policy underwent a flexation that re-established a relationship...which we aren't admitting didn't previously exist...but if it had, then this flexation would have been adequate to adjust for the disconnect...seeming disconnect...with previously established so called international, for lack of a better word, law...er...custom. Clear now?"

President Bush had long fought the idea that US detainees were prisoners of war entitled to Geneva Convention rights. "Funny story there," said Snowjob. "When the president heard 'convention' he immediately thought of an open bar, strippers, coke in the hotel room...you know, convention stuff. We explained that this was a different kind of convention. He understands better now. We used visual aids."

The Pentagon outlined the new standards to the military in a memo. Tony Snowjob said that the Pentagon directive did not represent a change: "It is not really a reversal of policy. Humane treatment has always been the standard, but heck, when have we ever lived up to any standard in this administration?"

Bush was dealt a blow when the Supreme Court ruled it had overstepped its authority in setting up the tribunals, so Republican senators immediately began planning how to win congressional approval for new tribunals. "Well, whenever we break the law we just change the law," said Snowjob. "It's a lot easier than..you know...actually having to obey it and all. If we do that, the terrorists win."

President Bush told reporters he promised to take the findings of the court "very seriously." When asked if that meant he was actually going to obey the law the president responded, "Probably not, but that will be classified information and any leakers will be prosecuted for treason. I'm looking at you Laura. Let's just settle this between ourselves."

Within minutes of the court ruling, a small group of Republican senators were trying to sort out the mess. "This 'Nation of Laws, not of Men' thing gets pretty freaking inconvenient at times like this," said senator Bill Frist, (R-DeathcabforKitty).

A former military lawyer who is leading the efforts to salvage the tribunal system, Senator Lindsey Graham, (R- Cracker) predicted that the Senate would begin work on ideas for new tribunals within weeks and vote on the plan in September. "Forget that Medicare stuff. Who cares about Social Security? This is important. We got brown people getting white people rights here. That's not the America I grew up in." the Senator said.

Meanwhile, Sen Arlen Specter (R - Whatever), a moderate Republican who chairs the powerful judiciary committee, introduced an "Unprivileged Combatant Act" which would, he said, balance "the need for national security with the need to kick us some A Rab butt."

Excuse Us While We Fall Through This Rabbit Hole

OK, full disclosure. We never liked economics. Just don't get it. So you got your supply and your demand, but when you've got someone "supplying" us with something we really don't want or need then they have to create the demand which means the supplier controls the demand, so the whole equation gets skewed. So is that the relationship we should be studying instead of how slick the supplier is at getting us to want something we wouldn't ordinarily want. You see our dilemma.

Which is why we're going to need someone to explain this to us.

President Bush touted new deficit figures Tuesday showing considerable improvement upon earlier administration predictions, saying it shows the wisdom of his tax cuts. Bush said the improvement is due to tax cuts he pushed in 2001 and 2003. Impressive profits and big income gains by the wealthy are largely responsible for the surge in revenues and, in turn, the deficit drop.

So, the deficit went down because the president cut taxes leading to an increase in taxes paid to the government. All together now...Whaaaa?

"Economic growth fueled by tax relief has sent our tax revenues soaring," Bush said. "But that's nothing compared to how much more money my corporate friends are making. Heck they're raking in so much they aren't even bothering to shelter it from the government anymore. Now is that economic growth or what?"

When asked if he felt his tax policy had improved economic conditions for groups in America other than corporations and the wealthy, Bush replied that he wasn't aware that there were other groups. "You aren't talking about immigrants are you? You mean the guest workers?"

"Any statistic you look at recognizes the rich in America are getting richer, the poor are getting poorer and the middle class is getting squeezed." said Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-Imafeistyguy.

"Oh, you mean democrats," Bush replied. "Yeah. Whatever."

However, the results are less impressive when compared to the $318 billion deficit posted last fall for fiscal 2005. Despite strong revenues, the high costs of the Iraq war and Gulf Coast hurricane relief have weighed on the deficit — as have higher interest payments paid on the national debt. "Look, this whole 'put it in context' thing is beginning to annoy me," the president said. "The American people don't want the big picture. Heck, they don't even want the little picture. Why do you think they elected me twice? OK, once, but it was the second time. More people voted for American Idol than for me. You really think they want me to take this stuff seriously?"

"Bold pro-growth tax policies enacted by a sycophant Congress and the clueless president have sparked unprecedented economic growth," said Senate Budget Committee Chairman Judd Gregg, R-Smoochisbutt, "Uhh...unless you're one of those people who has to work for a living."

"We've had extraordinarily good profit growth, and when you have better profit growth than wage growth you tend to have windfall tax revenues because taxes on profits are higher than taxes on wages," said Diane Swonk, chief economist for Mesirow Financial, a Chicago-based financial services firm. "Or, to look at it another way, people who are two paychecks from living in poverty don't tend to pay a lot of taxes. But we're working on that."

Some budget experts say the steep rise in tax receipts looks more impressive than it really is since revenues are bouncing back from a three-year decline during Bush's first term, drops not seen since the Great Depression. "There's that 'context' thing again." Bush said. I told you guys to quit doing that. Don't make me get the vice president down here."

Friday Hound Blogging

Man, big doings in Massachusetts. A group of animal-rights activists, which calls itself the Committee to Protect Dogs, announced that it collected 150,000 signatures for a petition to send the proposal to the voters. That's more than 13 times the number of signatures state law requires to get such an initiative on the ballot.

Thirteen times the number of signatures required. What do the overlords think of that? The act is confusing, Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park owner George Carney said, because the proposed ban on greyhound racing is packaged with initiatives to create more severe punishments for people who abuse police dogs or partake in dog fighting. "People are going to read that and think we abuse the units."

"State records show that hundreds of greyhounds are seriously injured while racing in Massachusetts, including dogs that suffer broken legs, cardiac arrest, seizures and spinal cord paralysis," Christine Dorchak, chairwoman of the Committee to Protect Dogs said.

"Yeah, well there is that," Carney replied.

Carney's attorney, Joel Kozol, argued that besides being misleading, the Dog Protection Act is unconstitutional. "Look, these guys have a right to make a living. Well, actually it's the dogs who do all the work, but still..."

A shutdown of the racing industry would hurt Raynham's economy, Selectman Donald McKinnon said. "People have a right to their opinion, and I'm of the opinion dead end, low skill jobs are vital to the town of Raynham," McKinnon said. Between 400 and 500 of people at the greyhound park could lose their low wage no benefit jobs if racing is banned, Carney said. "There just aren't enough Walmarts in the area to take up slack like that," he added.

Raynham-Taunton Manager Gary Temple said he thinks voters will side with the racing industry. "We're confident that if the truth gets out, people will see how the dogs are mistreated and we'll have to run a misinformation campaign, just like we did in 1999. That was a close vote, but we managed to distract people just enough."

Misinformation huh? Finally something the overlords are good at, right Pheobe?


Pheobe is very sweet and likes to be at your side all the time. She is gentle, but likes to play. She is very affectionate. She gives kisses and loves to be petted all over. She likes to roll back and forth on her back. She really enjoys playing, and will turn herself quickly in circles when laying on a beanbag. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Rather Have Him Driven Than Let Him Into The Driver's Seat

OK, we have to admit that when we first read this headline we thought, how responsible, the president has started using a designated driver. Then we read the article and realized the headline didn't have anything to do with the story which confused us even more until we realized it was a story about Bush foreign policy--it shouldn't make sense.

From deteriorating security in Afghanistan and Somalia to mayhem in the Middle East, confrontation with Iran and eroding relations with Russia, the White House suddenly sees crisis in every direction. "Sure it's true that our foreign policy sucks rocks," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "But we feel we should at least get points for consistency."

"I am hard-pressed to think of any other moment in modern times where there have been so many challenges facing this country simultaneously while the country was being run by such a colossal crew of inept clowns." said Richard N. Haass, a former senior Bush administration official.

"Mr. Bush will hand over a White House to a successor that will face a far messier world, with far fewer resources left to cope with it, but then, I guess that's what he's always done. It's just that this time daddy and his rich friends can't make things right."

White House officials emphatically reject such pessimism. "We're very upbeat around here," said Snowjob. "Drunk a lot too, but very upbeat."

"This is a government distracted by the fact that it is asked to walk and chew gum at the same time. Plus the president has been consumed by the the high number of shiny things in the oval office," said Moiss Na­m, editor of Foreign Policy magazine.

National security adviser Stephen J. Hadley said in an interview yesterday that such criticism is misplaced, adding that victory in Iraq is crucial to success in fighting terrorists and in creating a new democracy that could serve as a beacon to other Middle Eastern countries. "Of course if you're expecting a strategy for victory from a bunch of idiots like us you probably believe in the tooth fairy," he added.

Hadley agreed that there are "a lot of issues in motion right now" on the international front. "In some sense, it was destined to be, because we have a president that spent most of his adult life as a drug addict and alcoholic, so we really shouldn't expect that he would have a real firm grasp on reality. Hey, you elected him. Twice. OK, once, but that was the second time. What were you expecting, Einstein?"

Madeleine K. Albright said that the United States now faces the "perfect storm" in foreign policy. "Bush, Rumsfeld and Rice. It can't get much worse than that."

Even neoconservative hawks who have been generally supportive of the administration on Iraq and other issues said they are worried about the direction of American foreign policy. "We were willing to accept the fact that Bush is mostly clueless, but who knew the rest of his administration had the combined IQ of tree moss?" said William Kristol, editor of the Weekly Standard and a leading conservative commentator.

"North Korea is firing missiles. Iran is going nuclear. Somalia is controlled by radical Islamists. Iraq isn't getting better, and Afghanistan is getting worse,"Kristol said . "I give the president a lot of credit for learning to tie his own shoes, but I am worried that particular skill isn't really useful on the international front."

Senior administration officials said the United States is in a much stronger diplomatic position than it has been in the past in dealing with adversaries such as North Korea and Iran. Then they burst out laughing and had to be escorted from the room.

Both Democrats and Republicans insisted that the United States can deal with multiple crises, but some questioned how effectively. Well, actually all questioned how effectively. "When the Commander in Chief makes Bozo the Clown look like Winston Churchill, you know you've got problems," said on unidentified Democrat.

"It's like a juggler. You have to keep all the balls going. Any one of them that is out of trajectory threatens all the others," said Zbigniew Brzezinski. "It's been six years and so far Bush hasn't learned how to juggle one ball without hurting himself."

We're Thinking Of Bringing Wile E Coyote In On The Next Launch

We wrote once before about the North Korean's threat to launch a missile aimed at the Pacific Ocean and how we really didn't think activating our inoperable missile defense shield was the best way to scare them into converting to Christianity and accepting baseball as the national pastime.

Well, now they've gone and launched that missile, and a bunch more it seems, and it turns out we didn't need our unworkable missile defense shield after all because the North Koreans missed their target. All 64,000,000 square miles of it.

US and regional officials said Wednesday the first set of missiles, including five short- and medium-range models as well as the Taepodong-2 which failed shortly after launch, splashed down in the Sea of Japan. "In retrospect we should have been suspicious of parts that came from eBay." A spokesperson for the North Korean government said.

The test launches by the Stalinist state triggered a flurry of diplomatic initiatives, headlined by a meeting of the powerful 15-member UN Security Council to discuss the crisis. "Well, these guys barely got the missiles off the ground," a UN aide said. "So I don't know if crisis is the right word, but still, they have such a nice buffet at the Security Council cafeteria we couldn't pass up the opportunity. Try the chipotle chicken. It's to die for."

In the first comment from North Korea, foreign ministry official Ri Pyong Dok reportedly said the launches were an issue of national sovereignty. "Look, we don't play soccer, we don't ski, and we can't play tennis because peasants keep planting corn on the courts. You got to give us something, you know?"

China, considered to exert the greatest influence on North Korea, issued a subdued reaction calling on "relevant sides" to "remain calm and exercise restraint. "We are seriously concerned about the incident that has already happened," Beijing's foreign ministry said in a statement on its website. "We find it is easier to be concerned about things that have already happened than to worry about what might happen. It's a zen thing, you westerners wouldn't understand."

The US said it was going on the diplomatic counter-offensive and condemned the missile tests as "provocative acts," even though they posed no immediate threat. "Hey. Iraq wasn't a threat either and look what we did to them. Just saying North Korea," said a State Department spokesperson.

South Korea threatened to stop shipments of rice and other humanitarian aid to its impoverished northern neighbor, and put its military on high alert. "Somebody told us they were making rocket fuel out of fermented rice," explained an aide to Foreign Minister Ban Ki-Moon. "Oh wait, that's saki. No wonder the missile went sideways."

The US missile defense system based in California, Alaska and onboard US Navy ships had been on high alert in anticipation of the Taepodong-2 test and was ready to shoot down any missile if it threatened US territory. "We're about as close to shooting down one of their missiles as they are to hitting the Pacific," said a Pentagon spokesman who requested anonymity.

And Right After This Hearing, I'm Going To Get Me One A Them Color Tee Vees

Now, generally we here in the marbled halls of IM Central like to tread the less worn paths around the internets, preferring to leave the more timely bloviating to our betters (who are not hard to find, by the way, but that's another story). This, however is too good to pass up, even though it has been written about by every body.

Senator Ted Stevens (R- Anachronism) is the Chair of the Senate Commerce Committee, which oversees those pesky internets. In an effort to explain the highly technical and complex net neutrality bill, the good Senator offered himself as an example of the difficulties of negotiating a cyberspace that has not yet become the private profit domain of the Telcom companies.

I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why?

Umm...because it takes a long time to download a complete internet...even when the porn sites are filtered out. They were filtered out, right Senator Stevens?

So you want to talk about the consumer? Let's talk about you and me. We use this internet to communicate and we aren't using it for commercial purposes.

That's why eBay is such an unpopular site. Don't know how they even stay in business.

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes.

Did he just say the internet was a series of tubes?

Why yes. Yes he did. He did just say the internet is a series of tubes.

And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material. And it just breaks my heart to see this enormous amount of material holding back important information on male erectile dysfunction from those who suffer this devastating condition. Not me though, I"m talking about Dole here.

Well, yeah. And what about those of us who ! Need a{} Diploma?, or want to take advantage of Buy 1 get 1 fr ee Rol ex Rep licas, or who seek the miracle of hoodia? Who's looking out for us? Senator Stevens, that's who.

It's not using the messaging service that is essential to small businesses, to our operation of families.

Right. Our family hasn't been operating right since...well, we're not sure our family ever operated right. You say that's because of the internets, Senator Stevens? Dang. So much for the restraining order.

The whole concept is that we should not go into this until someone shows that there is something that has been done that really is a violation of net neutrality that hits you and me.

Right. We couldn't agree more. In fact we...we...we're sorry what did you say?

Friday Hound Blogging

Ah, those overlords. They're all about the dogs, you know? Just ask them. Well, ask someone besides Vera Filipelli, the director of media relations at Derby Lane track. "A few dogs sick with kennel cough will mean some lost revenue for Derby Lane, but the greyhound track doesn't expect to have to close its doors," she said. "Dogs get sick, they die, we get more. It's what racing is all about."

Because state rules say dogs cannot race while under any medication - even prescription drugs - the track is now running only 12 races a day, down two from its usual 14. "Yeah, when we need dogs to race we just stop their medications for a couple of days. Most of them survive."

The losers come out here with a set monetary amount to bet, so they will still spend about the same amount of money, just divided over fewer races, Filipelli said. Overall the track's losses should be slim. "It's important that we keep the rubes coming in though because we've all got trailer payments."

"Any time you change your format there is the risk of revenue loss," she said. "We'll be down a little," she said. "But if we need to we'll just stop medications for all the dogs and race a full ticket. The marks don't know if the dogs are sick or not."

The disease is not generally dangerous unless it weakens the dog's immune system and the dog catches a secondary infection which can happen if the dog doesn't get prompt treatment, or if the dog is forced to race before making a complete recovery. "Yeah, but these are athletes. They know the risks. Besides, we're risking too. Well, it's not like we could die or anything, but having to avoid running the air conditioning because you need to keep your utility bill down can be a real inconvenience, you know?"

Yeah. We sympathize. Dying is pretty inconvenient too, right Ward?

Ward is loving, gentle, confident, and easygoing. He will follow the foster mom around the home and will lie close to her and look at her with loving eyes. He gives kisses, will rest his head in your lap. He sometimes will lie his front end down and rest his head while his hind end was still in the air. . He is happy, smart, entertaining, easy to read, and very expressive. He amuses the foster family and himself. He can be a bit needy. He enjoys playing and he gets very exuberant when he plays. He can be a bit “mouthy” when he plays. He needs to have plenty of chew toys to play with. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Plus My Golf Membership Is Going Up

OK, here's some quick ironicus for your maximus:

The Senate voted to defeat a bill that would have raised the minimum wage for the first time in almost 10 years. The final vote was 52-46, eight short of the 60 votes needed to pass the legislation. 43 Democrats, eight Republicans and one Independent voted in favor of the legislation. All 46 votes against it were cast by Republicans.

Republicans to little people: Hey, macaroni and cheese three times a day isn't bad.

Democrats promised to block a Republican sponsored congressional pay hike unless some of the lowest-paid hourly workers get their first raise in nearly a decade.

Republicans to themselves: Look, we're losing a lot of income due to these ethics investigations. We got bills, you know?

Lawyer bills. We know.

Better Think Before You Vote. Be A Shame If The Troops Couldn't Come Home Because Of You

Finally we have a plan to bring the troops home from Bush's folly. Except that we don't. Well, we do, but it's not really a "plan" plan, more of a sort of perhaps...ah...shall we say...carrot? Yes, a carrot that could become a stick if you were to...oh...we don't know...maybe vote the wrong way?

Cynical ploy? Why heavens no. It's just that...you know...staying the course and all that might mean that it could be that possibly there might be a scenario in which the probability would be that in certain circumstances it could be predicted that the likelihood might exist in which the feasibility of a hypothetical troop reduction has the potential of becoming practicable. Right General Casey?

The White House confirmed on Monday that the top U.S. military commander in Iraq has drafted a plan for U.S. troop cuts there, but said the plan was just one option being considered and was not set in stone. "It all depends on what the electorate...I mean the Iraqis do between now and the election...I mean now and the end of the year," said a White House aide who asked not to be identified.

Well, at least that's a glimmer of hope, right Mr. Snowjob? "I would caution very strongly against everybody thinking, `Well, they're going to pull two brigades out,'" the White House press secretary said. "Heck, we don't even know what a 'brigade' is."

The New York Times reported that Casey had drafted a plan that would first reduce U.S. troops in Iraq in September and then cut the number of combat brigades to five or six from the current level of 14 by the end of 2007. "That's dependent on holding the House of Representatives...er...I mean peace on the ground in Iraq," added a Pentagon representative.

Snowjob refused to disclose what Casey told Bush but said the general has "a number of scenarios in mind for differing situations on the ground." He said planning would change based on conditions on the ground. "We've got the hold our majority scenario, the lose the House but hold the Senate scenario, and the lose the Senate but hold the House scenario.," Snowjob said.

When asked if the White house had planned for losing both House and Senate Snowjob replied that was the "invade Iran" scenario.

Bush, facing waning support over the past year for the Iraq war, has repeatedly said that troop withdrawals will take place as Republican forces become more able to assume control. A revised statement was later released from the White House that removed "Republican" and replaced it with "Iraqi." The error was attributed to left wing blogger Markos Moulitsas who, using his control of the internet, intercepted the press release and changed it to embarrass the president.

I'm certainly not going to announce in advance anything that General Casey may have in mind for the president or that he may be recommending," Snowjob said. " We just don't do that in a time of war. And war is just what the Democrats are waging against patriotic Americans. Well, except that they always want to cut and run so they really aren't in a position to wage war. We still need to get some bugs worked out of our message."

Friday Hound Blogging

Ah, another FHB. We have to admit to being a little ragged around the edges this week, mostly due to the extreme attention we've been paying to Rollie's bung hole, the odd hours at which he gets various meds, and ultimately because we've had to stay sober through the whole ordeal. The sacrifices we make for our animals...

Anyway, the pooch continues to make steady progress in his recovery, but rather than put all the effort into pointing out yet again the vacuity, hypocrisy and in humaneness of the overlord world, we thought we'd bring you a happy story.

If you were an orphaned greyhound, Shana Laursen's foster home for ex-racing dogs wouldn't be a bad place to go. Ain't that the truth. When your options are dying, being sold for medical experiments, or heading to a stint in the dog motel, well, there's not much to think about is there?

Shana Laursen started serving as a foster greyhound mom last year for Greyhound Friends for Life, a Bay Area-based group that helps find homes for ex-racing dogs. Group members say greyhounds are over-bred by the racing industry and cast-off the minute they fail to be profitable. Hey. That's not fair. The overlords are all about the needs of the dogs. Oops. We didn't say that right. The overlords are all about the needs of the winning dogs. Told you we were tired.

"It's such a wonderful thing she has done here," said Susan Netboy, founder of Greyhound Friends for Life. "She's one of the best foster moms ever." Laursen is able to take more dogs than most foster homes, which can only take two to three at a time, she said. "With this kind of facility, she can be very active in adoptions and match the right dog to the right person," Netboy said.

And speaking of someone looking for the right person, heeeeeere's Splinter Man!

Splinter Man AKA Woody is very laid back and easygoing. He wants to be petted and scratched all the time. He is a big baby; he will put his nose right in your lap or face. He seems to want to be touched all the time. He has big sad looking eyes when he wants to be petted. He loves to play and he collects all the toys – takes them to his bed. When he plays with toys, he has a lot of fun. He is a very big boy, so he is kind of like a bull in a China shop when he gets to playing. He likes to rub himself against a wall. In the morning he will rub himself against the entire bedroom, rubbing against all the furniture, storage units, and walls. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

New Santorum Slogan: "I Got The WMD, Now Vote For Me!"

Oh Yeah Baby! It's on now. All you sniviling leftie weenie peaceniks out there who keep reminding the president that his war is wack listen up 'cause WE FOUND THE WMD!!!!1!!

US-led coalition forces in Iraq have found some 500 chemical weapons since the March 2003 invasion, Republican lawmakers said, citing an intelligence report that one of them found under some papers on his desk. "Nobody ever said we were going to find them all at once," said Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum who was chosen to make the announcement because he is behind in the polls...er...because he knows someone who knows Peter Hoekstra, head of the intelligence committee of the House of Representatives who actually called the press conference.

"This is an incredibly -- in my mind -- significant finding. The idea that, as my colleagues have repeatedly said in this debate on the other side of the aisle, that there are no weapons of mass destruction, is in fact false," Santorum said. When it was pointed out that the find amounted to 14 WMD's per month, or about 0.2 of one per death of an American soldier, Santorum replied that he wasn't "that good at statistics."

A Pentagon official who confirmed the findings said that all the weapons were pre-1991 vintage munitions "in such a degraded state they couldn't be used for what they are designed for." The official, who asked not to be identified, said most were 155 millimeter artillery projectiles with mustard gas or sarin of varying degrees of potency.

"Yeah, but the point is this will get me votes," Santorum said. "I mean, this justifies our glorious war to free the noble Iraqi people from the foul grip of an evil dictator who threatened the entire world. Did I mention I'm running for reelection?"

Santorum said the two-month-old report was prepared by the National Ground Intelligence Center, a military intelligence agency that started looking for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq when the Iraq Survey Group stopped doing so in late 2004. "We were brainstorming things we could do to distract voters from Rick's record when someone mentioned it," said an aide who asked not to be identified. "We decided it was our best shot."

Asked just how dangerous the weapons are, Hoekstra said: "One or two of these shells, the materials inside of these, transferred outside of the country, can be very, very deadly. Well, if they worked that is. A Pentagon guy told me they were useless. Did I mention Rick's running for reelection?"

Reporters questioned the lawmakers as to why the Bush administration had not played up the report to boost their case for continued warfare in Iraq. "Well, the president already admitted that there weren't any WMD's in Iraq," Santorum replied. "We wouldn't want to make the mastermind of the war into a liar now would we? Besides, he's not running for reelection. Would anyone like some of my campaign literature?"

Later in the news conference , Santorum invited reporters to a camapign fundraiser were he promised to introduce "the cousin of a guy who knew Saddam's personal driver who heard someone say he knew where Saddam hid his nuclear weapons. Plus, there'll be clowns for the kids."

We Want The North Koreans To Know We're Building A Giant Slingshot In Alaska

Well, you can't really blame the North Koreans for threatening to launch a long range missile. After all, look at all the attention Iran gets and it just has posters of atomic bombs on the wall in the Ahmadinejad's office. And what about India? Are they a threat to world peace? Anybody think their regime needs to be toppled? Axis of Evil material? Not even close, and yet they get this sweetheart deal from the president. Yeah, we can see why old Kim is a little frosted.

So no one is surprised when the Kimster pulls a saber or two out of the closet, goes down to the beach and rattles it in the general direction of America. What worries us is what we're doing to return the chest puffery.

International tensions over the testing of a long-range North Korean missile continued to escalate today with the Bush administration making plans to shoot it down. The US's recently installed ground based interceptor missile defense system has been activated and may be called into use if the communist regime defies warnings over firing the Taepondong rocket.

Uh, guys. You sure that's the best way to go? Are the North Koreans likely to be put off their missile test knowing that we might shoot it down with a system that...well...to be generous, isn't exactly operating at peak efficiency? Seven failures out of 12 attempts isn't exactly the promise of certain doom we might like it to be. Just saying.

Oh, and let's not forget the test where "the booster failed to leave the ground." In other words, we couldn't get the engine started. Then there was the time "the booster failed to leave the ground due to a fault in the arms which hold the missile in the silo." In other words, we got the engine started, but couldn't get it in drive.

Look, we've all been there. In college we had this old Ford that lost second gear. It also had a rust hole in the floorboard and you could see the road going underneath. We managed, but then we were just trying to get to class, not scare the North Koreans to the negotiating table.

All we're saying is you might want to reevaluate your options. It might be better to go with something more traditional, say, offering Kim season tickets to the Lakers, or a bit part in Spielberg's next film. See, we're just thinking about you. Let's say the North Koreans launch the missile and you go all Def Con one and everything. You rush into the silo, contact the president on the hotline, wait for him to finish watching the Flintstones, get the official okey dokey to launch, turn the key and get that rrrr rrrr rrrr that everyone knows means nothing on fire is leaving the island today.

Or worse, let's say the launch goes off but you miss and blow up Japan.

Not good.

Meanwhile the North Koreans launch a missile that manages to hit the Pacific ocean and they look like Jimmy Neutron, boy genius.

How about if we offered North Korea a total makeover. We promise to rebuild, spruce up, improve and generally put spit and polish to anything and everything they name. They'd have to go for that, right? Now, here's the beauty part, after they agree, we send over the same team we sent to Iraq to manage its reconstruction. Within a year or two, North Korea would be so screwed up we could take them over with a battalion of grandmothers.

Why, no, we've never considered a career in the foreign service, but thanks for asking.

Hound home From The Hospital (Again)

The forecast for blogging this week will be light and variable due to Rollie having a bit of a setback and having to spend last night in the hospital. The Vets think he is trying to cook up a post-op infection, so when they released him this morning they sent him home with massive doses of antibiotics, a pain killer and a muscle relaxant. And you can put that thought out of your mind right now. We would never presume to...er...share Rollie's meds. We don't do that. OK there was that time Mrs. Maximus hurt her back in a horse riding accident, but she really didn't need all those pills.

Anyway, Rollie is back on his pad in the marbled halls sleeping the sleep of the heavily medicated and his prognosis is still good. Many thanks to James and George for the good vibes.

Oh, and sell the paper towel stock. Diarrhea is "resolved."

Friday Hound Blogging (On Saturday)

Well, things are settling down somewhat around the marbled halls of IM Central. If by settling down you mean Rollie's diarrhea is almost gone. Almost. Ever see those movies about fighter pilots sitting around the ready room in various stages of repose, and then the siren goes off and the room explodes into a fury of motion? That's us every time the old boy even glances towards the door. "Explodes" is probably an appropriate descriptor too...if you take our meaning and we think you do.

Anyway, as we said, the sirens are going off less and less frequently now so we thought we'd take a few albeit tardy moments to bring you our weekly look into the overlord's world and introduce you to a homeless hound. This week it seems the wacky world of greyhound exploitation has it's own lobbyist scandal, although in true overlord fashion, it;s not about money and power like the one in Washington, it's about stupidity.

A lobbyist for Florida's greyhound breeders acknowledged two South Florida lawmakers for helping to kill a proposal earlier this year that would have forced racetracks to report statistics on injured dogs.A national greyhound protection group was furious. And now the two legislators, state Senator Steve Geller, Beach, and Representative Yolly Roberson, say they never intended to block the proposal.

"You mean we were talking about dogs? Said Roberson. "I thought he meant the busses." The legislation had quietly died but then resurfaced after Jack Cory -- a lobbyist for the Florida and national greyhound associations -- posted a note about the victory on an industry website, saying Geller and Roberson helped stopped the bills.

"Yolly Roberson gave up one of her 6 Bill slots to file HB 1181 Relating to Racing Greyhounds/Injuries/DBPR containing the GREY2K proposal for me as a defensive move to help stop any last minute amendments from the GREY2K Lobbyists." Cory said. Later he explained that his remarks were not meant to indicate what he meant by his remarks, but rather "something else entirely."

Cory, who represents greyhound breeders, owners and kennel operators, said he did everything he could to stop the reporting measure, which would hurt the industry, he said.''It's a good sport. The animals love it,'' Cory said. "That's really who I'm a lobbyist for. The dogs. I'm all about the dogs."

Yeah. Right. Well, thanks anyway Mr. Cory, but with friends like you...Roxy doesn't need enemies, right boy?

Roxy is very loving and affectionate. He will stand right by his foster mom and will get closer and closer, demanding attention. He shadows his foster mom around the home. He is also good at slipping between the family dogs and his foster mom to get attention. He's very playful and very energetic. He LOVES to run after tossed toys, and he loves to lay in the yard when his foster mom is outside working. He is a collector and he likes to take all the toys to his crate. Roxy loves it when his foster mom wakes up in the morning; he always leans his head over the mattress and she reaches over and pet him. He's very happy and sings to her, and his whole body shivers when she gets home from work. She says he's an adorable addition to the household. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Hound Home From The Hospital

Blogging is likely to be somewhat sporadic for the next sum of days, and no, not because we plan to win the free case of beer given away on "Thirsty Thursday" by the local Double A baseball team, but because we are nursing one of the famous IM Central Pack 'O Hounds back to health. You met the boys previously. The particular hound in need of our care services is Rollie who was recently diagnosed with Cervical Vertabral Instability otherwise known as "Wobbler's Syndrome."

This syndrome caused the old boy (11) no small amount of pain which, eventually, medications could not touch necessitating surgery. As you may imagine, neck surgery on an 11 year old dog is no small undertaking, but in true IM fashion Rollie came through with all his faculties intact and even amazed the Vet when he walked on his own the second day after the operation.

He's very weak must be supported when he walks due to the danger of him stumbling or falling and hurting his neck. Staples come out next Tuesday and it's back to the Neurologist the week after that at which time we hope to see more progress.

So he came home Tuesday and, except for the diarrhea has been making steady progress. Yeah. You're right. Diarrhea. 3:00 in the morning. Dog that can't walk too well. Buy stock in paper towel companies folks. Just saying.

Oh, here's Rollie in action before the operation:

The President Will Have Frank And Open Discussions At His Summit Of Yes Men

We're coming to you from the Better Late Than Never department (a wholly owned subsidiary of Who You Trying To Kid, in partnership with Too Little Too Late) here at IM Central where we have just learned that president Bush will convene a summit on the war in Iraq.

The president plans two days of meetings at the mountainous Camp David presidential retreat with national security advisers on hand and top commanders in Iraq connected by videoconference. When asked why the president had decided to convene a summit now, three years into the war, White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob said, "He just felt like staying up at Camp David this week...I mean Zarqawi, that Zarqawi guy. He's dead and we have to be ready to be welcomed as liberators."

The high-level talks aimed to capitalize on the killing of Al-Qaeda's chief in Iraq, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, as well as the formation of Maliki's government, which US officials say gives them an excuse to declare victory and "beat feet out of there before November."

General George Casey said he thinks it will be possible to withdraw some of the 130,000 U.S. forces in the months ahead putting him in first place among administration officials for the number of times they have announced the possibility of troop withdrawals while actually increasing them.

Iraq national security adviser Mowaffak al-Rubaie told US television that the talks at Camp David would deal with US troop levels, predicting that US-led forces could be sharply drawn down by the end of 2006."I believe by the end of the year, of this year... that the number of the multinational forces will be probably less than 100,000 in this country," Rubaie told CNN. "Of course I also believe in...how do you Americans say it...the fairy of the teeth?"

Bush said the new government marks a new chapter in the U.S. relationship with Iraq. "I don't want to say we've turned a corner," the president said. "But it looks like that's what I'm going to have to say because no one changed the phrase. I though we were changing that to light at the end of the tunnel this month. Where's Tony?" Later the president told reporters that "home stretch" was actually to be the phrase during this phase of the war."

The re-evaluation of the administration's Iraq policy starts with meetings for Bush, his national security team and the military commanders. It continues with a luncheon attended by outside experts. When asked if "re-evaluation" was a term that could be applied to a policy that hadn't been thought through in the first place, Press Secretary Snowjob said he wasn't sure, but felt "The evaluation that had been performed on the initial evaluative positions would most likely be returned to in this evaluation to have its evaluative performance evaluated in a quasi evaluative sort of scenario. Plus there will be chocolate milk at lunch and that's a result of the president's re-evaluation of the menu."

Bush said he wanted a "realistic appraisal" of the war effort and declined to speculate on whether he had actually ever used the words "realistic" and "appraisal" together in the same sentence before.

The sessions conclude with a joint meeting via videoconference with Bush's Cabinet and top ministers in al-Maliki's new government. "Providing they haven't been blown up by then," Snowjob added.

Friday Hound Blogging

Rut Ro. Looks like the horse overlords and the dog overlords are getting into a bit of a spat on how to divvy up the rubes.

In 1994 the state enacted a statute to ensure that both horse and greyhound racing tracks in Pima County would have their business enterprises fortified from larger racing entities and that no monopolies would exist. A current bill before the legislature, SB 1329 seeks to change the relationship between horse and dog racing operations.

Recent articles and editorials in the Arizona Daily Star show how one-sided the larger, more profitable tracks in Maricopa County plan to wipe out Tucson Greyhound Park. "They want to drive us out of business and it's completely unfair," said Chris McConnell is the general manager of Tucson Greyhound Park. "Those horse guys don't work for a living, why should we?"

"More profitable tracks? Yeah. Right. Have you seen the size of the trailer I live in?" Tim Kelly, president of the Pima County Horsemen's Association responded. "Look, the marks are dying off and no one is stupid enough to replace them We just want our share, that's all."

Agreements between Tucson Greyhound Park and the Turf Paradise and Yavapai Downs horse tracks dictate the terms of revenue dispersion. About two-thirds of the revenues go to Turf Paradise/Yavapai racetracks and their horsemen. The remaining one-third is dispersed in Pima County. "Who we going to get to help us with that math?" Kelly asked

Language in SB 1329 states that in Pima County, the greyhound permitee must get the permission from the horse permitee to operate simulcast greyhound racing before 4 p.m. "OK, I can get someone to tell me when it's 4pm, but what's a 'permitee'? Math. English. These weren't my best subjects in school," McConnell said.

No surprise there, huh Mysty.


Mysty has a very sweet, friendly and loving personality. She wags her tail non-stop and loves to play with and squeak her squeaky toys. She approaches the foster family quite freely and is very affectionate and rubs on them to be petted. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here

So Long. Please Send Toothpaste And Toilet Paper

Say what you will about Tom DeLay, and probably what you're saying is "guilty," but here in the Marbled Halls we really like the guy. It's like he's the gift that keeps on giving. Check out his latest dispatch from the land of total cluelessness.

Former House Majority Leader Tom Delay urged colleagues Wednesday to "stand on principle" and ignore the media in a farewell speech to fellow Republicans. "Just because they got me, doesn't mean they'll get you," he said.

DeLay, facing trial in Texas on campaign money laundering charges, is leaving Congress Friday. When asked where the Congressman was planning to go, an aide said, "Well, we're hoping for Ashland, but we'll take Butner or Morgantown. I just hope we don't get Lexington. Oh, you mean while the trial's going on. I don't know."

When the doors were opened to let a congresswoman in to Delay's speech, members could be seen on their feet, cheering and applauding. "We always make the girls come in after we've had a little 'boy chat,'" said one congressional aide. "DeLay told this great story about Katherine Harris' talking bra and...well...never mind."

DeLay said later to reporters that he had advised GOP House members: "Keep a lawyer on retainer, at least three Swiss bank accounts, and never let anyone see the red accounting books."

"We have been able to make history for 12 years and we'll do it again once we're off probation," DeLay said he told colleagues. "It'll take the Justice Department 20 years to uncover all the programs we've put in place. And that's even if they do start caring about the laws again."

"I don't bear any regret at all. I'm very excited about what the future may hold," he said. "I'm told I may become someone's, what do they call it, beotch? I'm not sure what that is, but I'm ready for whatever the Lord has in store."

Just A Random Thought (the kind we're best at)

Today Bush said the killing of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was a "decisive victory" in the war on terror. During World War I the Battle of Belleau Wood was a decisive victory. In World War II it was the Battle of the Bulge. In the war on terror it's...uh...well...it's...um...we killed a guy.

WWJD? Shout Go Rockies Go!

We're not really big sports fans around the marbled halls of IM Central (although we do have this neat drinking game based around how many times a baseball player spits) but we do know that among those who religiously (ha ha ha ha. Just wait, you'll see) follow a team there are certain rituals that true fans hope will insure their team's success. Things like always wearing the same shirt, or sitting in the same chair or having wild, hot monkey sex in the neighbor's garage before the game are all thought to be ways to curry the favor of the sports gods.

OK, we made that last one up, but if anyone is looking for a ritual...well, you know where to find us. Anyway the point is, if you are one of those devoted sports fans, you can forget it, because Jesus has weighed into Major League Baseball, and his choice in the Colorado Rockies.

Now, put aside for a moment that the Rockies' home field is named after beer because, well, apparently Jesus doesn't have a problem with it and just focus on this: Jesus' team is currently in fifth place playing sub .500 ball. Do you think it puts any more pressure on the manager to know that being "fired" has a lot more implications for him than for other managers around the league?

From ownership on down, it's an approach the Rockies are proud of — and something they are wary about publicizing. "We're nervous, to be honest with you," Rockies general manager Dan O'Dowd said. Jesus' expectations are a little higher than most owners, especially with Satan doing so well with the Yankees."

The Rockies, at 28-30, are having their best season since 1995 with a payroll of $44 million, the lowest in the National League's West Division. "Well, render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's," said O'Dowd. "As for rendering to god...that means learn to hit the breaking pitches."

"I had no idea they were a Christian team. I would love for them to talk about their Christianity publicly," says Tim Boettcher, 42, a season ticketholder for 12 years and an elder at the Hosanna Lutheran Church. "But what I'd really like is for them to get a good closer. Lord knows they aren't going anywhere without a stronger bullpen."

"We had to go to hell and back to know where the Holy Grail is. We went through a tough time and took a lot of arrows," says Rockies chairman and CEO Charlie Monfort, one of the original owners. "I have no idea what I just said, but it's now team policy to have at least two religious references in every interview given to the press."

"We started to go after character six or seven years ago, but we didn't follow that like we should have," he says. "I don't want to offend anyone, but I think character-wise we're stronger than anyone in baseball. "Of couse, some people say character doesn't win ball games, good pitching wins ball games and that is a good point, so God, if you're listening, we need a left hander with a good changeup."

"Christians, and what they've endured, are some of the strongest people in baseball. You look at whose spent the longest time in the minors, and whose career is the shortest, if they even make it to the bigs...Christians. Those Puerto Rican boys and the South American boys that shoot right into those six figure contracts? Catholics, every one."

The Rockies' approach is unusual in that religious doctrine is a guide for running a franchise. The club's executives emphasize they are not intolerant of other views. "We try to do the best job we can to get people with the right sense of moral values, but we certainly don't poll our players or our organization to find out who is Christian and who isn't. OK, there is the Bible quiz we give to all new players, but heck, you only need 60% to pass. Of course you need 85% to play, but you can take the quiz as many times as you need to," said O'Dowd.

O'Dowd told reporters he has had prayer sessions on the telephone with club President Keli McGregor and manager Clint Hurdle. "Yeah, some people say calling the manager off the field in the late innings of a close game to pray for victory isn't the best strategy, but God's a busy guy. We just want to make sure he isn't on the cell phone with Gabriel or something. We need him to focus."

"You look at things that have happened to us this year," O'Dowd said. "You look at some of the moves we made and didn't make. You look at some of the games we're winning. Those aren't just a coincidence. God has definitely had a hand in this." When asked how sport, which focuses on competion, winners and losers and for the Rockies, seeking to impose God's will on the opposing team, fit with Jesus' philosophy of love cooperation and mutual respect, O'Dowd called the press conference to a close and said he wasn't about to answer questions from "the representatives of Satan, or George Steinbrenner, whichever."

9/11! 9/11! Oh, Wait. Gay Marriage! Gay Marriage!

OK, here's the deal. We'd be winning in Iraq...if it wasn't for gays. The economy? Be bursting at the seams...if it weren't for gays. Why don't 45 million people have health insurance? Gays. Twelve million children go to bed hungry in this country every night. Why? Gays. Illegal immigrants? Mostly gay.

With his renewed call for a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage, President Bush reasserted his allegiance to a conservative constituency whose support for him has eroded significantly in the face of soaring government spending and a controversial immigration proposal. "Somebody's got to pay for my poll numbers," the president told reporters. "And that someone is gays."

Bush urged Congress to approve the Marriage Protection Amendment, which is likely to fall short of the required two-thirds support in the Senate. "The president loves an underdog," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "And no, underdog doesn't have more than one meaning."

Bush insisted Monday that same-sex marriage is a matter requiring "a national solution. Unlike health care, the deficit and the war in Iraq," he said. "I think we can handle those with a referendum or something. I got Karl looking into it."

"On an issue of such profound importance, that solution should come not from the courts but from the people of the United States," Bush said in a statement on the eve of the Senate debate on the amendment. "As long as they're the 'right' people, huh Dobby boy?"

In pressing for a vote this week, for instance, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn.) is burnishing his conservative credentials for an expected 2008 presidential campaign. "If those folks are stupid enough to believe we actually care about this crap, I'm going to take advantage of that," Frist told a group of supporters.

"Given [Bush's] low popularity ratings, I think he has a lot to risk in that this could be seen by some people like, `There he goes again,"' said Bishop Harry Jackson, pastor of Hope Christian Church in Maryland. "Yeah, well what else have we got," countered Press Secretary Snowjob. "It's not like we got a boatload of Einsteins making policy here you know. "

Yet for Bush, the amendment's expected defeat in the Senate could serve as a reminder for advocates that the president has only halfheartedly promoted the cause. "So what's your point," Snowjob asked. "The only thing this president wholeheartedly supports is vacations. Well, that and riding his bicycle. Ok he like driving his truck too. With the radio loud. And chocolate milk. He really likes chocolate milk."

The president's failure to more aggressively promote the proposal "definitely disappoints conservative activists," said Matt Daniels, founder and president of the Alliance for Marriage. "But the guy's not the shiniest tool in the box, so we cut him some slack."

The president actually is courting two crucial audiences this week. As Bush sets out for a two-day cross-country tour on immigration reform--promoting a plan that would enable millions of illegal immigrants in the U.S. to remain and work legally--he is reaching out to moderates and angering the most conservative members of his party. But in promoting a marriage amendment, he is appealing to conservatives.

When asked to comment on the chances of success for such a delicate political task before the president, Press Secretary Snowjob said, "Yeah. This guy can't even ride a bicycle and chew gum. What do you think is going to happen?"

Friday Hound Blogging

Now here's an interesting story. Just reading the headline:"Still Running Despite Dire Predictions" one would think that it's a story of overlord perserverance in the face of a hostile world. Well, a hostile legislature anyway, taking away slots from the tracks and all. Everybody knows tracks need slots to attract customers because, cripes, who comes out to a racetrack to see races anymore?

The Legislature on April 5 voted down a proposal to put slot machines in the state's four race tracks amid warnings it would be the death knell for racing in Massachusetts.
Track owners and employees mobbed Beacon Hill to convince legislators that without the additional revenue from slots, the tracks would be forced to close, costing at least 5,000 jobs.

Turns out though that the whole two page article is about how more people showed up at the horse racing tracks on Kentucky Derby day and so everything's all right in that industry. (apparently horse overlords suffer the same reality disconnect as greyhound overlords). But then, buried about half way down the first page is this line:

"We intend to stay in business with or without the slot machines," said George Carney, owner of Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park. "We will continue on for many years to come."

Sharp eyed readers, or at least sober readers will recognize George Carney. We've met him before. Gee, Mr. Carney, perhaps if the horse industry is successful in having a Kentucky Derby every day some of that increase in business will come your way. Or you could open a hot dog stand outside the horse track. Get it Happy? "Hot Dog?" OK, sorry.

Happy is a very happy, sweet girl. She is very needy and she wants to be near you and getting attention all the time. She is pretty easygoing, but she also has a playful side. She likes to play with toys and will throw them in the air. She also smiles by curling her lips when you baby talk to her. She was used for breeding before her rescue. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here

Is It Ethical For The Unethical To Be Proponents Of Ethics? Discuss.

Ok we need a little help here. Please explain this. President Bush goes AWOL during the Viet Nam war and lies about everything from WMD's to the fish he caught. Cheney also dodges the draft during Viet Nam because he had "better things to do," outs an undercover CIA agent, and shoots a guy in the face then makes the guy apologize. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales lies to Congress about the NSA wiretapping program. More Republican Congress people come under indictment every day, but it's the troops in Iraq who need training in ethics?

We're confused.

The training over the next 30 days in "core warrior values" would highlight "the importance of adhering to legal, moral and ethical standards on the battlefield," a statement said. "It's beginning to look a little too much like DC over here," said a spokesperson for Peter W. Chiarelli, commander of the Multinational Corps-Iraq. "And we're not just talking about the violence in the streets."

Lieutenant General Peter W. Chiarelli, commander of U.S. combat troops in Iraq, said that of nearly 150,000 U.S.-led troops in the country "99.9 percent of them perform their jobs magnificently" every day. "Can't say that about the Bush administration. And they're not being shot at either." he added.

When asked to explain the apparent contradiction in approaches to illegal, unethical and immoral behavior between the troops in Iraq and the administration in Washington, White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob said, "It's important that public servants in the government be role models for regular citizens. We are held, rightly so, to a higher standard and we should expect no less of ourselves than...hahahahahahahahaha...oh forget it. Look, bottom line is we just steal money and trample the Constitution. These guys shoot people. Apples and oranges folks, apples and oranges."

President Bush said he was "troubled" by the reports which moved him into sole position of second place on the all time list of most obvious things said by a politician as if they were deep insights. Later Bush confirmed that he was also going for the record in number of times he speaks to voters as if they were two year olds. "It's will be my legacy" he told reporters.

"I'm mindful that there's a thorough investigation going on. If in fact, laws were broken, there will be punishment." Bush said. When asked if he was talking about the soldiers or his administration Bush replied that "If someone in my administration breaks a law, we get Congress to change the law. That's how a democracy works."

Later, in an informal meeting in the press room Bush challenged reporters to "shout out a Democrat's name and I'll give you their cell phone number." Before any names could be shouted out someone said Bill Clinton was at a local MacDonalds and the room quickly cleared. "212.555.7351," Bush said, but it wasn't clear that any reporters had heard him.