BREAKING: Pope Admits There Are Gays In The Vatican; In Other News, Air Necessary For Breathing

Frequent readers of this blog have had to settle for Gilligan's Island reruns lately--on the Spanish channel...erm...we mean will recall that as formerly bad catholics who have since fallen away completely we often opine on matters ecclesiastical. Sometimes even in god's native tongue (Catuli rursus decesserit! Hui excrementum!) We do this as a public service for all of you out there in the whack churches because we feel it should be made very clear to you why you'll end up as a shish kabob on Satan's grill. You're welcome.

Now, we've been silent on the subject of Pope 2.0 up until now because we figured about all the cardinals would let him get away with was replacing ossobuco alla milanese with refogado in the vatican cafeteria. So imagine our surprise when we pick up today's copy of The Vatican Inquisitor and read:

Pope Francis acknowledged the presence of a “gay lobby” and “a current of corruption” in the Vatican, according to a summary of private remarks to the leadership of a Latin American church group, an acknowledgment that appears to confirm reports that the Vatican denied in February.

First of all, saying something is true in private that you said was false in public, that's going to get you a yellow card as a technical violation of Number Nine on Yahweh's Big Ten. Then we have the "gay lobby"--which we note with some regret is not referred to as the gay mafia--and the "current of corruption" which we are going to assume is separate from the "gay lobby." Man, you guys are starting to sound more like the Evangelicals than god's homies.

And why a gay lobby? What are they lobbying for? Do we want to know? Maybe between the pervs doinking the choirboys and the horndogs getting themselves to the nunnery the Nancy boys wanted some...er...equal time. Just wantin' them a little piece of that James 2:10 action there el popo. Word.

Now, since the church has already blamed all their troubles on the 60's we're thinking that must be when they first got caught in the "current" and have been swept helplessly along, struggling waifs in the tsunami of sex, drugs and rock and roll, all of which were in the curricula of seminaries and convents back then. Remember Woodstock? Organized by the Order of St. Francis. For serious.

In the days leading up to Pope Benedict XVI’s resignation in February, the Italian news media were rife with reports of a “gay lobby” influencing papal decision-making and Vatican policy through blackmail, and suggestions that the scandal had contributed to his decision to resign.

OK we like the blackmail part because that totally fits with the church's philosophy for inducing moral behavior (Hey pubescents. Better not let the lord catch you spanking the monkey or 70 years from now when you kick off it's Camp Satan for you!) but that whole gay's influencing Bene's decisions doesn't pass the water to wine test. We mean, here's a guy who spent most of his tenure trying to return the church to the 13th century and we gotta believe number one on the gay agenda is more rhinestones on the vestments. And accent colors. Come on man, queer eye for the holy guy, right?

The Vatican had denounced the Italian media reports as defamatory, “unverified, unverifiable or completely false.”

Ah, denying in public what you admit in private. So there are timeless truths in the church's teachings after all.