The Incredible Whiteness Of Being

We're coming to you today from the Don't Cry Until You're Hurt Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. DCUYH is a division of the How Many Of Your Relatives Were Slaves Company, in partnership with Call Me When They Lynch your Brother, Inc.

It seems that since the Nubian horde has taken over the White House--which we are obliged to tell you was named the White House by the founders for a reason--Sheikh Obama has had his boot on the neck of the melanin challenged races and now he's beginning to apply the full weight of his hatred for real Americans.



First they come for our tanning booths, then everyone who wants sun screen over SPF 10 will have to register with the government. And if you're thinking about trying to pass because you're a good tanner, forget it unless you plan to Jeri curl your hair and learn to speak Muslim.

These are truly desperate times for the Crackers and we don't just mean because they're Christians either. We need a Martin Luther King, a Mahatma Gandhi, a Cesar Chavez. We need Kirk D. Lyons.

A group of Confederate rights activists is urging southerners with Confederate ancestors to declare themselves "Confederate Southern Americans" on census forms in order to qualify for national origin protection under the 1964 Civil Rights Act. "Look, if the government can protect the snail darter it can protect the Bubbas too," Lyons said. "We're an endangered species, man. Them darkies is a marryin' our wimins and the kids are meeting up with all manner of riff raff on the You Tube." 

"Fill in 'Confed Southern Am.' ... This will put your Confederate nationality on the record. It's just that simple," SLRC Chief Trial Counsel and Grand Dragon Kirk D. Lyons says in a video posted on YouTube and  Facebook. "At first we were going to have them write in the whole thing, but all those letters confused the folks and they lost their train of thought." Lyons told reporters. "And I want to say again, it's Confed, not cornfed Southern Am. Race isn't about what you eat, it's about who you are, or in this case, who you ain't if you get my drift."

The group has defended teachers and other activists who have been fired or disciplined in other ways for bigotry, homophobia, gender discrimination or just generally being Neanderthal throwbacks to a time when human communicated in grunts.

"We can start the process to give the southern community here in America a voice again, so that our concerns will be heard, and so that we will stop being harassed and persecuted because we are overfed, undereducated cementheads with drinking problems and penis issues,"  Lyons said.

Right on brother Lyons! Or should we say White on! This is America and if you can't be an overfed, undereducated cementhead with drinking problems and penis issues here, where can you be one?

But that's not really our question. The Bubbas are being told not to fill out the census because it will put them on a list for the FEMA camps, but you're telling them to answer Confed Southern Am to the race question.  Now, we're not master strategists like you or anything, but it seems to us if you're going to establish yourselves as a separate race under the protection of the American government, you're going to have to fill out the form that will allow the American government to ship you off to Wangdangistan while all the dusky people drink your liquor and chase your women. How you planning to pull that off there, Mr. Confederate Southern American, sir?

Who Will Speak For The Bubbas?

OK, so here's a feller just got hisself one o' them fancy mo bile phones down there at the Walmart and after spending better part of a week trying to figure out what all them daggone buttons was fer finally got a chance to call that there C-span show where you can explain to the tee vee people why that Obama ain't oughtta be the President.

But you know what? You cain't get through. Them colored folks got the line all tied up talkin' their hippity hop.




"Black-Span!" Har har har! That's funny right there.

Friday Hound Blogging

RED ALERT!! READ ALERT!! RED ALERT!! They've found us out fellow Communist Nazi Muslim free enterprise haters. Our cover has been blown!


"I strongly advise that horse racing’s leadership not take animal rights groups lightly," said outgoing AGTOA president Karen Keelan. Additionally, she called for unity between pari-mutuel racing groups to address the animal rights issues in racing. "The animal exploitation industry is in serious danger," Keelan said. "It's time for those of us with a common interest in sucking the life out of innocent creatures for profit to band together."

Rats. For years we were able to operate under the radar doing things like protesting at tracks, writing legislators, having exposes on TV, articles in newspapers and magazines and running public education activities all over the nation. Obviously we were naive in thinking the overlords wouldn't  notice.

 Well, the jig is up. The overlords are on to us. It's only a matter of time before they unleash the full weight of their intellectual acumen and strategic expertise against us and who can stand up to that?

The U.S. Association of Racing Commissioners has found that wagering on U.S. greyhound races declined from $3.5 billion in 1991 to $1.1 billion in 2007 -- a 68 percent drop, with more than half of the tracks existing in the late 1980s and early 1990s having closed.

Oh. Well yeah, there is that. Still, now that our nefarious deeds have been exposed to the light of day, it's only a matter of time before greyhound racing is once again the popular family entertainment it once was. 

The industry is in such rapid decline that a growing number of dog track owners are finding common ground with animal rights groups hoping to put live dog racing out of its misery.

 Now, that might sound encouraging, but don't get your hopes up. Every industry has a few disgruntled employees, a few square pegs in round holes. Besides, it's not up to a few misfit track owners. Since greyhound racing is a regulated industry it comes under the far seeing, deeply contemplative gaze of the local governmental establishment who will do nothing to kill the goose laying the golden egg of revenues.

If the popularity of greyhound racing is dwindling in Iowa, legislators need to rethink a state law that artificially keeps the dog breeding industry alive here, key state senators said. "We have to ask whether it's still a good business practice in the state of Iowa," Senator Pam Jochum, D-Dubuque said.

 "Artificially" keeping the dog breeding industry alive? That's a little harsh Senator Jochum, don't you think? These people contribute. Well, the dogs contribute, the people leech off of them, but still, it is an industry and it is part of the state's past, and also its future, no? We mean, who's going to replace them if they do go away?

Harrah’s calls greyhound racing a giant waste of money and resources — including real estate that could be used for more profitable enterprises. “It’s like a horse and buggy manufacturer getting a subsidy from an auto manufacturer,” Harrah’s spokesman Gary Thompson says. “We’re subsidizing a dying business.”

Hmmm...well he might have a point there. Greyhound racing has always been a dying business, only up until recently it was just the dogs who did the dying, right Jack?

Jack is very sweet and curious about everything. He enjoys pets but doesn’t actively seek them out. He is very easygoing and mellow. He will randomly blow a big puff of air through is mouth. Jack would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. He is good with other dogs and he would probably be okay as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Suffer Little Children And Forbid Them Not To Come Unto Me...Then You Go Get Some Coffee Or Something.

Last week we told you about Father Amorth who was convinced Beelzebub had gotten himself an all access pass to Pope City. Or at least that's what he thought. Maybe the Exorcisor Father didn't go far enough. Maybe Lucifer's plan goes beyond providing boink material for the pope's gentlemen. Maybe Old Ned and The Whore of Babylon have finally negotiated a price. Maybe those red shoes are a signal. Maybe the current resident of One Vatican City is...



THE MANCHURIAN HOLINESS!!??!!??!ZOMGZOMGZOMG!!!

We mean, come on, how else you going to explain the fact that every scandal except the missing wine from the sacristy has landed square on In Flagrante Benedicto's doorstep almost since before pope previous was cold? Either this guy's got so many skeletons in his closet he takes having a boner to a whole new level, or...would it be irresponsible to speculate? It would be irresponsible not to. Also, we wouldn't have a post, but at least you got to admit the dude does have the face for it.

Top vatican officials — including the future pope Benedict XVI — did not defrock a priest who molested as many as 200 deaf boys, even though several American bishops repeatedly warned them that failure to act on the matter could embarrass the church, according to church files newly unearthed as part of a lawsuit. "Well, in his defense, this was before congressman Stupak made clear that it was American nuns you weren't supposed to listen to, not the bishops," said a representative of the pope's office of Keeping the Holy Rump in the Veiled Configuration.

The documents emerge as pope Benedict is facing other accusations that he and direct subordinates often did not alert civilian authorities or discipline priests involved in sexual abuse when he served as an archbishop in Germany and as the vatican’s chief doctrinal enforcer."Wait. You said 'doctrinal' enforcer? We thought he said he was the 'nocturnal' enforcer," said one former student. "Well, that explains a lot."

Even as the pope himself in a recent letter to Irish Catholics has emphasized the need to cooperate with civil justice in abuse cases, the correspondence seems to indicate that the vatican’s insistence on secrecy has often impeded such cooperation. "We're sure that's just a problem with translating the letters from Latin," said one vatican official who asked not to be named. "Plus the Irish drink a lot, you know. Lots of possibilities for misinterpretation. Just saying."

Only 20 percent of the 3,000 accused priests whose cases went to the church’s doctrinal office between 2001 and 2010 were given full church trials, and only some of those were defrocked, according to a recent interview in an Italian newspaper with Msgr. Charles J. Scicluna, the chief internal prosecutor at that office. An additional 10 percent were defrocked immediately. Ten percent left voluntarily. But a majority — 60 percent — faced other “administrative and disciplinary provisions.” When asked what those provisions were, Msgr. Scicluna replied, "Spanking mostly. Sometimes being tied up and spanked. That was popular. There was this one guy who wanted us to make his victims spank him. Was that wrong? Should we have not done that? This sex stuff confuses the heck out of us."

Gary Smith said in an interview that he was molested  50 or 60 times, starting at age 12. By the time he graduated from high school at St. John’s, Mr. Smith said, “I was a very, very angry man.”

So that's how the TEA Party got started.

In an interview, Archbishop Weakland, Milwaukee’s archbishop at the time said that he recalled a final meeting at the vatican in May 1998 in which he failed to persuade Cardinal Bertone--second in command at the office called the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, led from 1981 to 2005 by Cardinal Ratzinger--and other doctrinal officials to grant a canonical trial to defrock Father Murphy  who molested as many as 200 deaf boys. (In 2002, Archbishop Weakland resigned after it became public that he had an affair with a man and used church money to pay him a settlement.)

OK, let's get this straight. The dude who was banging the dude he tried to buy off wanted the head dude to rat out the dude who was banging the little dudes. Man. No wonder they write church doctrine in Latin.

Well, there's two sides to every story they say, so let's see what the word on the is street down by St Peter's Basilica and gift shop:

The Vatican strongly defended its decision not to defrock an American priest accused of molesting some 200 deaf boys in Wisconsin and denounced what it called a campaign to smear Pope Benedict XVI and his aides.

Right. And you know that whole crucifixion thing? Totally Christ's fault. Just trying to make the Jews look bad.

Oh, Like Passing A Law Will Make a Difference

Hey, we have health care now. Well, except those that don't. Does anyone know what the cut off age is for the death panels? Probably ought to pay attention to that, you are getting up there you know. Anyway, now that the democrats have decided to listen to people who can read, republicans have begun phase two of their program to protect the returns of investors who own stock in the insurance companies and that means totally ignoring the best interests of the people, the Constitution, the Federal Government, McCulloch v. Maryland and just about anyone, or anything else that harshes their Glenn Beck mellow.

Here in Michigan the task of making sure health care remains out of reach for people who have chosen to be poor and sick has fallen to state Representative  Tom McMillin. 

McMillin says he's being joined by Tea Party groups and grassroots organization leaders in kicking off a petition drive to put a measure on the November ballot that could ask Michigan voters whether they want to exempt the state from the federal health care overhaul. "Do you have any idea what will happen to America if poor people get well enough to vote?" McMillin asked. "Next they'll be wanting things like living wages, affordable housing, good schools. Cripes! There'll be no end to it if they figure out government is supposed to be responsive to the needs of the people."

McMillin says organizers will seek the needed 381,000 valid signatures by July 5. "It's going to be a challenge convincing people they need to keep paying big co-pays, keep getting dropped when they get sick, and not be able to get coverage for their kids who have pre-existing conditions but we're talking about people who think the Chinese are coming for old people, so I think we've got a shot."

Last week, a Republican-backed resolution to give Michigan voters the final say failed to advance in the Republican controlled state Senate."Yeah, that really surprised me," McMillin said. "Must have caught us on a day where everybody took their medication or something."

Friday Hound Blogging

OK imagine you went over to a friend's house--or at least someone you thought was your friend. You knock on the door and a voice from inside says "Go away. I don't want you around here anymore." Well, you'd be a bit confused wouldn't you? We mean, for years this friend has not only let you in when you came over, but lent you money and just generally let you mooch off of him whenever you needed to.

So you hope this is some sort of joke, right? After all, it's not like you have a lot of friends to begin with, particularly friends who are willing to give you money and stuff so you assume it's just a misunderstanding, or your friend is playing a joke on you. "Hey, it's me," you say. "Your overlord friend. Wonder if you could front me a couple of bucks until payday?"

Then you hear another voice from inside, a voice that says "Whatever he's asking, I'll give you twice not to let him in." You hear mumbled conversation, then your friend says "Sorry. I don't live here anymore."

Now what do you do? Well, if you're an overlord in Iowa, you might want to think about relocating.

Harrah’s Entertainment sweetened the pot Wednesday in its bid to persuade Iowa lawmakers to end live greyhound racing in Council Bluffs. Harrah’s offered to pay the state $7 million a year for an “unlimited period of time” in order to halt the live meet at its Horseshoe Casino in Council Bluffs. The casino company had earlier proposed paying the state $7 million over seven years.

Hmmm...the state gets $7 mill a year in perpetuity to dump the overlords. What do the overlords get? "We'll help them get their GED's said Jim Carney, a Harrah’s lobbyist. "Well, those who have that capability anyway. The rest we'll enroll in a sheltered workshop."

Eh...we don't know. The GED thing sounds good, but the workshop? Making the overlords responsible for actually producing something is pretty far outside of their skill-set. What do you think Cart?

Cart is friendly, outgoing, and enjoys being around people. He is playful, but calms quickly. He loves meeting people and gets excited to greet them. He is very affectionate. He loves to be petted and will snuggle with you if you sit on the floor with him. He loves to play and toss his toys. He is starting to collect items around the house, a slipper, the kitchen throw rug, etc. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program.  Cart would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 5 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be happiest in a home with another dog to play with him. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Lazlo Update: Lazlo found a permanent couch!

Asking Mark Foley To Sub Should Have Been A Clue

OK, so it occurs to us here in the marbled halls of IM Central--in our more sober moments--that the problem with government isn't government, it's the people in government. We mean, pretty much everyone would agree that, theoretically at least, providing affordable health care, particularly for those who can't provide it for themselves is a good thing, as is making sure children have enough to eat, get a good education and live in an economy that at least gives them a fair shot at a job with a living wage.

Theoretically.

It's when you create programs to achieve those goals, and then put people in charge of those programs that the problem comes in.

So right now you're thinking, Why, Ironicus, how astute. You remind us once again why we come to this blog: for the trenchant commentary, the spot on analysis and the informed criticism.

And poop jokes.

But we digress. At first blush you might simply say the solution is to elect less republicans, since their motto "Government isn't the solution, it's the problem," seems to be self referential. But nay, we say, nay gentle reader(s) for while that may alleviate a fair portion of our present difficulties, it is not the  complex, multi-faceted, sophisticated solution you have come to expect from us for at least two reasons: Eric. Massa.

No, we must look elsewhere for a kind Nepenthe from our present woes, and we believe we have found the just the elixir: teachers. Now, of course we will admit to a certain professional bias, given the way we earn our daily bread, but think about it. At least twice a year teachers must enter a room full of strangers and through their leadership skills, vision and sheer force of will mold those individuals into a cohesive unit and carry them some distance along the road to enlightenment. And we're so good at it we can take summers off.

Well, all this is by way of introducing you to the gubernatorial contest in Georgia where two of our professional colleagues are vying for the top post, a classic example of the win win scenario, no? Let's peek in on the action:

Ray McBerry, a Republican champion of states’ rights and a former history teacher, had his certificate suspended for one week in 2004 following allegations from the Henry County school system that he had “maintained an inappropriate relationship with a student and that he deliberately misrepresented the facts of the case in his first response to the school system’s investigation. McBerry had met the girl at church, where he was a youth minister, and said he was counseling her.

Boy, say what you will about republicans, they are at least consistent. Diddling the coeds, and trying to explain it away by saying it was a church thing. What is this guy, catholic? And what's the deal with having his teaching certificate suspended for a week? That's like saying the judge sentenced him to the electric chair but told the warden to turn down the voltage so it only gave him a headache. Anyway, all this proves is that republican pervert genes are stronger than teacher do good genes. Good thing there's a democrat in the race:

Carl Camon is a Democrat and five-term mayor of Ray City. Until October, Camon was a teacher at Valdosta High School. He quit rather than submit to a five-day suspension issued by the Professional Standards Commission. Multiple student witnesses indicated that the educator made inappropriate comments to and deliberately stared at the breasts and buttocks of multiple female students on multiple occasions. Some witnesses indicated that inappropriate comments had been whispered to students. Witnesses also observed the educator look up students’ skirts.

 Multiple students  claim multiple boobs, multiple butts of multiple females on multiple occasions. Can't you see what's going on here? It's the new math! Multiplication made easy! The guy's a pedophilical innovator. Er...we mean pedagogical. Pedagogical innovator. 

OK, OK we admit this looks bad, but only on the surface. Once you look a little more deeply...crap it still looks bad. Well, these are our colleagues, members of our professional family, our academic brothers if you will, so in their defense we have to say...uh...we feel that if you look at all the circumstances...erm...the big picture.... 

Oh, hey, look at the time. Gotta go. Kthanxbai.

Why Do You Think They Call It A Scape GOAT?*

Whoa doggies, this can't be good. Old Ned has set up shop right across the street from his popiness. Man. Talk about there goes the neighborhood. This give a whole new meaning to Crips and Bloods, Jets and Sharks, Capulets and Montagues, Yanks and Red Sox, filtered and non-filtered, for here and to go, AM and FM, regular and super-size, Star Wars and Star Trek, WWE and TNA, Laurel and Hardy, Tom and Jerry, regular and deep dish...

OK, we've lost our train of thought. Help us out here Father Gabriele Amorth:

Sex abuse scandals in the Roman Catholic Church are proof that that "the Devil is at work inside the Vatican", according to the Holy See's chief exorcist.

Holy deep cover mole Batman! How can this be? Isn't Beelzebub, like unable to tolerate holy water, or incense, or people with good fashion sense, or something? How'd he get past the  nuns? We could never get anything past the nuns.

"When one speaks of 'the smoke of Satan' [a phrase coined by Pope Paul VI in 1972] in the holy rooms, it is all true – including these latest stories of violence and paedophilia."Amroth said.

Wait. The devil smokes cigars? So that's why we could never kill Fidel.

He claimed that another example of satanic behaviour was the Vatican "cover-up" over the deaths in 1998 of Alois Estermann, the then commander of the Swiss Guard, his wife and Corporal Cedric Tornay, a Swiss Guard, who were all found shot dead. "They covered up everything immediately," he said. "Here one sees the rot".

Come on, a gun? We have to tell you that seems a little mundane. Really, we're dealing with Lucifer here, Prince of Darkness and all that. Look what he did to Kevin Lomax's wife and she just wanted to move back to Florida, or all that John Constantine had to put up with and he was just dealing with the help. A gun just seems so bush league for  a guy who can end the whole world by just hunting up a little nookie.

Father Amorth said that the attempt on the life of Pope John Paul II in 1981 had been the work of the Devil, as had an incident last Christmas when a mentally disturbed woman threw herself at Pope Benedict XVI at the start of Midnight Mass, pulling him to the ground.

Yeah, we got to tell you padre that's just not making it for us. We mean come on, this guy has access to all the minions of hell and you're telling us the best he could come up with was some old drunk with a .22 and a lady who was possessed and still had to try twice to jump a pew?

Father Amorth told La Repubblica that the devil was "pure spirit, invisible. But he manifests himself with blasphemies and afflictions in the person he possesses. He can remain hidden, or speak in different languages, transform himself or appear to be agreeable. At times he makes fun of me."

OK let's see if we got this straight. You're like Bret Hart and the devil is Shawn Michaels. You're Steve Austin to his Mr. McMahon. How many times in your career have you delivered the  vatican stunner to old  belial? Hundreds? Thousands? And you're telling us the way he gets back at you is by calling you a poopy head?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Just a dang dong minute there your slipperiness. We see what's going on here. Old hob isn't using you, you're using him. We should have seen this coming:



So when the next little choirboy that gets invited back to the sacristy for some personal ministry by father Gropie McSweatypants, don't ask why churches seem to attract the pervs because it may not be pervs at all. It could be...SATAN!

*scapegoat

Friday Hound Blogging

OK so you're all worried about Obama taking away your right to fish with assault rifles while saying the pledge of allegiance with god still in it all while you wait for the start of Operation Exodus. Ha! It's the classic bait and switch Mr. and Ms patriotic, if somewhat under-medicated America because while you were busy resisting the Islamo-fascist black power take over of Washington, communist socialists slipped in under the radar and took over the states!

Greyhound racing would end at a financially troubled gambling parlor in Lincoln in a budget proposal before Rhode Island lawmakers. A House committee will debate a new budget plan from Governor Don Carcieri that would end dog races at the Twin River slot parlor.

 The Governor! Holy crap it's the Governor! The animal rights wackos have gotten to the Governor! Well, you know what? Screw you. You don't want the overlords, they don't want you. There are plenty of other places in this country that still value the entrepreneurial spirit, that can do attitude--even if it is the dogs that do it. Go west young overlord, go west for opportunity, freedom and success. Right Stewart Greenleaf?

Pennsylvania already bans greyhound racing because of the advocacy of State Senator Stewart Greenleaf (R., Bucks), but soon it may also ban greyhound racing simulcasts. A Senate committee approved a Greenleaf bill that would makes it a misdemeanor of the first degree for a person to transmit or receive interstate or intrastate simulcasting of a greyhound race for commercial purposes.

 Sweet Jebus on toast, they're gonna criminalize watching the tee vee! How can they do that? How can they turn their backs on a thriving, vibrant industry like animal exploitation? Can you tell us Timothy J. "Ted" Connors, chairman of the New Hampshire Racing and Charitable Gaming Commission? Do you understand the source of this madness?

Live racing is no more at The Rock, the legendary track where Seabiscuit and War Emblem once ran. The track joins the state's two greyhound tracks, Seabrook Greyhound Park and The Lodge at Belmont, which have already decided not to have live racing this year.

 Gaaaa! They're like zombies! They're spreading everywhere! OK, OK don't panic. Think. Use the years of living like a tick on the neck of the dogs to come up with a new way to suck your existence off of another living creature. Oh wait, we know. There's still some country left. Further west young overlord, further west!

Former State Senator William "Bill" Dieleman joined the effort to end live greyhound racing in Iowa. In a statement released Tuesday, Dieleman asks for help in correcting a mistake he made years ago when he and others accidentally passed greyhound racing into law.

 Crap! OK we give up. You got any ideas BB?

BB is easygoing and mellow. She loves attention. She will come and nuzzle and lay her head on your feet when she wants your attention. She loves being petted and having her ears scratched. She will follow you from room to room. She likes to spend time outside. She will run around the yard when her foster mom comes home from work; she is full of joy and happiness. She has cute ears that flip forward like a teddy bear. She notices herself in mirrors and gets excited to see the “other dog” in the reflection. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. BB would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs and has been fine as an only dog. She would probably enjoy the company of another dog in the home or would do well if there was someone who will play with her regularly. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Lazlo Update: Lazlo eats ~ 3 ½ cups per day of Iams lamb and rice. He will try to eat the other dog’s food if given a chance. He is not protective of his food dish.

The Choir Singing Showtunes In Latin Should Have Been A Clue

So we're slooshing around the intertoobz rather absentmindedly looking for random nakedity when what to our wandering eyes should appear but Vatican hit by gay sex scandal.

Gotta be the shoes thinks us. 

The Vatican was today rocked by a sex scandal reaching into Pope Benedict's household after a chorister was sacked for allegedly procuring male prostitutes for a papal gentleman-in-waiting.

We bet we know what the gentleman was waiting for! Badda Boom, Bing. Thank you. We're here all week. Tip your waitress.

Angelo Balducci, a Gentleman of His Holiness, was caught by police on a wiretap allegedly negotiating with Thomas Chinedu Ehiem, a 29-year-old Vatican chorister, over the specific physical details of men he wanted brought to him.

A gentleman of his...ahem...holiness? That's too easy, even for us. But if w were to stoop to such a puerile, tasteless, sophomoric level it would have to be something along the lines of giving glory to his holiness because, you know, glory and holi...well, let's just move on.

The Gentlemen of His Holiness, or Papal Gentlemen, the ceremonial ushers of the papal household. In the words of a 1968 ordinance, they are expected to "distinguish themselves for the good of souls and the glory of the name of the Lord".

 Oh. Guess we weren't that far off after all.

The explosive claims about Balducci's private life have caused grave embarrassment to the Vatican, which has yet to publicly comment on the affair.

Have yet to comment? Hey, come on your popiness, sure it's a little mano-a-mano action, but at least it ain't kids.  You're moving in the right direction, which, for a church run by a guy who wears a dress in public should be cause for celebration.

While Catholicism does not condemn homosexuality outright, its teaching is that homosexual acts "are intrinsically disordered."

Well, somebody doesn't like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

Balducci is also a senior adviser to the Congregation for the Evangelisation of Peoples, the department that oversees the Roman Catholic church's worldwide missionary activities.

 "Missionary activities." So that's what the kids are calling it these days.

There were conflicting accounts of how the Vatican might respond. According to one source, there was no provision for the dismissal of a Gentleman of His Holiness.

Hmmm...Sort of once you're in, you're in. If you get our drift. In a manner of speaking as it were. Metaphorical and stuff like that.

Good News: Never Get Shoved Into The Girl's Bathroom

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that entropy is the master of us all on this long, desultory slide to heat death...er...we mean know that we do what passes for work to earn what passes for our salary deep in the bowels of the local educorporate training complex. By way of full disclosure this means that our views on homeschooling might be somewhat skewed by our career choice, but then most of our other views are somewhat skewed by copious amounts of Stolichnaya, so tomato tomahto.

OK, all that being said we've pretty much concluded over the years that homeschooling is like any other kind of schooling in that there are good home schools and bad ones. Home schools have certain advantages over regular schools (can go to class in your pajamas) and certain disadvantages (dog ate my homework gambit not an option), so when we read about the plight of poor Mrs. Mule it occurred to us that for some folks assuming you can properly educate your youngster because you can read is like assuming you can drive the NASCAR circuit because you have a driver's license.

Home-school mom Susan Mule wishes she hadn't taken a friend's advice and tried a textbook from a popular Christian publisher for her 10-year-old's biology lessons.

Yeah. Typical rookie mistake, listening to the sales pitch. Always request a desk copy to see if there's anything in the book that remotely resembles what the publisher advertises. Oh, and if you're going to teach out of the book, it helps if you've read it first. Just saying.

Mule's precocious daughter Elizabeth excels at science and has been studying tarantulas since she was 5. But she watched Elizabeth's excitement turn to confusion when they reached the evolution section of the book from Apologia Educational Ministries, which disputed Charles Darwin's theory. "I thought she was going to have a coronary," Mule said of her daughter, who is now 16 and taking college courses in Houston. "She's like, 'This is not true!'"

Now, we'd be the first to admit we learn things from our students, but generally about things peripheral to the class, like computer softwares, or web sites. Stuff like that.  It's generally not considered educationally sound to have the students know more than the teacher about what they are supposed to be learning. Sort of defeats the purpose of school if you catch our drift.

"The majority of home-schoolers don't really want to learn anything," said Ian Slatter, a spokesman for the Home School Checkers and Macrame Club. "Most home-schoolers will definitely have a sort of creationist component to their home-school program to guarantee what passes for their education is the finest the 17th century can provide. We're not sure how those heathens got in the program. Especially that 'precocious' one. What does that even mean?"

"Those who do not believe that the Bible is the inspired, inerrant Word of God will find many points in this book puzzling, if by 'puzzling' you mean batspit howl at the moon off the rails insane," says the introduction to "Biology: Third Edition" from Bob Jones University Press. "This book was not written for them and that's a bit of a problem because a lot of the people the book was written for can't read."

The textbook delivers a religious ultimatum to young readers and parents, warning in its "History of Life" chapter that a "Christian worldview ... has to be protected from reality at all costs and anyone who rejects it probably went to one of them evil government schools where they teach things like the wimmins is equal and other communist stuff."

In Kentucky, Lexington home-schooler Mia Perry remembers feeling disheartened when she realized she was surrounded by people who believed god was powerful enough to flood the whole world, but not powerful enough to set aside an island or something somewhere to put the stuff he wanted to save, so he had to have some yokel build a boat for him. "We're not trying to make sure our kids stay ignorant, so there's somewhat of a feeling of being outnumbered," said Perry, who has home-schooled three of her four children after removing her oldest child from a public school because of a health condition.

Apologia and Bob Jones University Press say their science books sell well because they have a lot of pictures. Apologia's "Exploring Creation" biology textbook retails for $65, while Bob Jones' "Biology" Third Edition lists at $52."And just to reiterate the point, we no longer accept payment in chickens or vegetables," said Jay Wile, a former janitorial aide in Indianapolis who helped launch the Apologia curriculum.

Jerry Coyne, an ecology and evolution professor at the University of Chicago and Virginia Tech biology professor Duncan Porter reviewed excerpts from the Apologia and Bob Jones biology textbooks, which are equivalent to ninth- and 10th-grade biology lessons. Porter said he would give the books an F."They start off all right," Porter said. "But then you get to chapter six and all it says is 'And then a miracle happened.' Not exactly the scientific approach I was looking for."

Wile countered that Coyne "feels compelled to lie in order to prop up a failing hypothesis (evolution). Oh wait, we're the ones propping up a failing hypothesis. OK. Well, at least do not lie to the students because we believe this stuff ourselves and it's all right to be stupid as long as you're honest about it."

 Adam Brown's parents say their 16-year-old son's belief in the Bible's creation story isn't deterring him from pursuing a career in marine biology. His parents, Ken and Polly Brown, taught him at their Cedar Grove, Ind., home using the Apologia curriculum and other science texts that actually had some connection to the real world.

 Polly Brown said her son would gladly take college courses that include evolution, and he'll be able to provide the expected answers even though he disagrees.

Yeah. Nothing recommends  home schooling better than parents teaching their children useless information then telling them not to use it.

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, President Hopey is making a difference, no? We mean, it's the Wall Street Journal and all, so it has to be right. Right? You know, Rupert Murdoch and all.

Well, anyway the point is an improving economy lifts all boats, including the bits of Styrofoam and old oil barrels the overlords cling to. Yay! People have money to spend on heartless animal exploitation. It's morning again in America, right Arizona State Senators Paula Aboud and Jonathon Paton?

A new Senate bill on the table backed by two local senators could stop all dog races at Tucson Greyhound Park.

Yeah baby. Sing it with us: Happy days are here again, the skies above are clear again, so let's sing a song of...hey wait a minute, what did you say?

Aboud and Paton are now sponsoring a bill that would eliminate the mandate racing parks have to hold dog races.

Oh yeah? Well if you think you can just run roughshod over the overlords' meal ticket and force them into the labor pool, you got another think coming, Tell them  Tucson Greyhound Park. Speak truth to power!

Tucson Greyhound Park declined a request for an interview.

 That's OK, that's OK.  See they were in Iowa because if you don't want the overlords, then they don't want you and they're going someplace where they're appreciated for the talents they have, right Tom Colvin, Director of the Animal Rescue League of Iowa?

“I can't see a real good reason why we have greyhound racing. When you take into account the animal suffering, and exploitation, you know it's really hard to justify it at all,” said Colvin.

Oh, give it a rest animal rights wacko. Crap. Is there no place the overlords are welcome? Oh, we know, Florida. Most of the tracks left in the country are in Florida. They must loves them some overlords, right Joyce Etchison, left, and Shelli Halper?

Etchison and  Halper protested dog racing outside the Naples Fort Myers Greyhound Track in Bonita Springs on Feb. 6, 2010. Dozens of protesters attended with signs and slogans to signal passing motorists.

  Sweet Jebus on a pogo stick, these guys are less popular than terrorists. Good thing you got out when you did, huh Wanderer?

Wanderer is friendly and outgoing. He is playful, but calms easily when playtime is over. He is a very assertive and confident. He is affectionate and will lean against you when you scratch him. He will stand next to you until you stop petting him. He has a tuft of fur on the top of his head that stands straight up. He can be found in the “Cockroach position” on his back with his feet in the air. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Wanderer would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 4 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Lazlo Update: He is crated for a couple of hours per day.The foster family is home is home most of the time. He is a little vocal in the beginning. He is getting used to loud noises. He will sometimes pace when he hears noises.

The Hard Part Is Learning To Recite The Standing Orders In Hebrew

We're coming to you today from the Department of Stuff Previously Unbeknownst to Us. The DoSPUtU is a division of the Say Whaa? Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Well Shut My Mouth and Call Me A Biscuit, Inc.

Thanks to PZ it has come to our attention that God has an Army.

We did not know that.

And we figure it has to be God's army too because, well, you know, Jesus was sort of a Nancy boy when it came to getting his smite on and all. In fact, we're wondering if God might be a little disappointed in the kid. We mean, after all, dude was on earth for what, thirty some years and didn't lay waste to even one city or wipe out a single ethnic group--plus their animals. Now, don't get us wrong, we're sure Jesse did his best, but when you're used to wiping out the first born of everyone in an entire kingdom, sending plagues and stopping the sun to give your guys more light for killing, tipping over a few tables in the temple isn't even burning bush league.

Well, anyway god has an army and his headquarters is in Amarillo because, well as the web site says, "Amarillo has an activity for everyone, from the outdoor enthusiast to the arts connoisseur and the western history buff," and even the creator of the universe needs a little downtime.

There is a bit of a problem though, in that Amarillo seems to be a den of iniquity (complete with them heathen churches too) so the first order of business appears to be some sort of pacification program The goals of which are:

Repent Amarillo is a repentance-based ministry dedicated to reaching out to the mission field of 67,000+ people in the Amarillo area who profess no faith in Jesus Christ. It is a ministry committed to the fulfillment of Christ’s commandment of the great commission.

The great commission? You mean like the Baker-Hamilton commission? That means no surge, right? So how are you proposing to accomplish clear and hold? You think Osama's boys are slippery, wait until you see what Satan's posse can do.

1. Intercessory prayer group. This group will be a group of warriors called to intercessory prayer. They will at times be visible to the public and at other times (depending upon the individual mission) they will be inconspicuous. They will provide prayer covering to the soldier group and will do battle within the spiritual realm to prepare the ground for the planting of God’s seeds.

Whoa. Covert activity, just like 24. Cool, but that planting God's seeds thing? Just a little heads up. Might want to check with the catholics on that one.

2. The Soldier group.The soldier group will consist of warriors dedicated to witnessing to groups of unbelievers or one-on-one witnessing. This group will be more visible to the public and will be comprised of bold believers willing to confront the world. This group will be schooled in the “Way of the Master” method.

 Outstanding, but we thought Mr. Miyagi was dead.  Oh wait. God's army. Got that whole Lazarus thing happening. Our bad.

Sounds like you got it going on brother, but where's your slogan? You know, Army of The One, or Semper Deus? Something to attract the kids.

We are the Special Forces of spiritual warfare, we're looking for a few good warriors.

Yeah, well, might want to try it in Latin or something. What else you got?

"I am a soldier in the army of my God. The Lord Jesus Christ is my Commanding Officer. The Holy Bible is my code of conduct. Faith, Prayer, and the Word are my weapons of warfare."

Bible as your code of conduct huh? OK, make sure the recruits know about Judges 21: 10-24 and Numbers 31: 7-18 and you might have something.

What? Too strong? Hey. It is god's army were talking about here, but let's ask another military expert what he thinks:

Hence today I believe that I am acting in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator: 'by defending myself against the Jew, I am fighting for the work of the Lord.'
-Adolf Hitler (Mein Kampf)  

Oops. Heh heh.  OK bad example. Umm...General Patton to the white courtesy phone please. General Patton to the white courtesy phone.

Andy Dillon! Motto: When You Absolutely Positively Think You Can't Do Worse

OK so the person who's been calling herself our governor for the last few years is term limited out and someone else has to take over the helm here in the Water Winter Wonderland. Now, you'd think that given the fact Michigan is the Bangladesh of the Midwest not too many people with IQs on the right side of the number line would figure running a state where informed political  discourse leads to either shutting the state down, or passing a tax bill that's so screwed up they have to repeal it the week after they pass it  is a good career move.

Yeah, you'd think that, but then it occurs to you that people with...erm...challenges have to work too and so we're about to have the Special Olympics of elections.

Yay democracy in action!

The republicans have to get to early nod because they are so much better at being totally disconnected noobs, and true to form they're out of the gate strong. They've got a guy running whose platform is built around the fact that he'd rather be known as a nerd than a republican because, well, who do you think has more voter cred right now?

Then you have Pete Hoekstra, the guy who thinks terrorist attacks are investment opportunities, followed by Mike Bouchard who, along with fellow candidate Mike Cox are going after the youth vote.

Who better to run a state with a collapsing social safety net, an infrastructure disintegrating before our eyes, schools seriously considering going to four day weeks just so they can stay open, and an economy that's so bad even illegal aliens are moving out of the state than a social misfit or people who contribute to the delinquency of minors?

Oh, Ironicus you're thinking, everybody knows the republicans missed the last train to unmedicated self awareness long ago and they aren't about to take the bus. Surely this is all prelude to telling us how the democratic candidate will ride in and save the day. Now go ahead you scamps, lay that famous Ironicus Maximus twist on us. Introduce us to the Barack Obama of the Great Lakes State.

Sorry. We've got Andy Dillon, or as we like to call him, Mitt Romney without the scruples who, when he isn't busy being a republican, spends time as a democrat.This guy is about as close to Barack Obama as pope Benedict is to RuPaul.

Dillon is the Speaker of the Michigan House, controlled by democrats where he regularly caves to the republicans who control the senate. But heck, Andy's got abandoning principles down, you know, so he's looking for a new challenge. Now governor, that's some serious stuff right there baby!

Fly Andy, fly! We even have a slogan for your campaign:

Andy Dillon: If you were dumb enough to vote for George Bush, I'm your man!