Maybe You Can Get Some Of Your Money Back If You Sell The John Jay Report On eBay

Hey, as long as we're talking about people who hate the sin but love the sinner--just before kicking them out of the house that is--let's go see what popey has been up to lately. You may recall that when last we visited NAMBLA Headquarters the Vatican, his Pradaness had been lamenting the 70's because it turned a lot of his peeps into pervs. Before that the problem was fluoridation we think. Not quite sure because the report is written in Latin.

Anyway, that was then and this is now, so oh benevolent wearer of the drapes, what's the haps?

The latest sex abuse case to rock the Catholic Church is unfolding in the archdiocese of an influential Italian Cardinal, who has been working with Pope Benedict XVI on reforms to respond to prior scandals of pedophile priests.

Oh now that's what we're talking about. You want something done, do it yourself, right Bene? You got some Starsky and Hutch action going on now don't you? Well, Cardinal Starsky, and His Holiness Hutch. Point is, your new proactive Office Of Laying The Holy Smite Upside You Perverts' Heads has been doing some investigating. Did you visit the diocese disguised as a Lutheran? Was Cardinal Starsky undercover? Um...we mean incognito. We know how sensitive you are to...ah...imprecise language. So anyway, did you pop the perv? Bust the boinker?

Father Riccardo Seppia, a 51 year-old parish priest in the village of Sastri Ponente, near Genoa, was arrested last Friday on pedophilia and drugs charges. Investigators say that in tapped mobile phone conversations Seppia asked a Moroccan drug dealer to arrange sexual encounters with young and vulnerable boys. "I do not want 16-year-old boys, but younger. Fourteen-year-olds are OK. Look for needy boys, who have family issues," he allegedly said.

Aw, hail no! Not in Angelo's house! Not right there in the very diocese of  Genoa Archbishop Angelo Bagnasco, who is also head of the Italian Bishops Conference, and had been working with Benedict to establish a tough new worldwide policy released this week on how bishops should handle accusations of priestly sex abuse without actually, you know, involving law enforcement or anything. Bishop Bagnasco? We bet you personally busted down little Ricky's door and held him down while the Federales cuffed up his choirboy boinking behind, right?

Bagnasco said when he met the Pope this weekend he "asked for a particular blessing for my archdiocese."

Oh. Well...um...that's good too.

Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi praised Bagnasco's handling of the Sastri Ponente case, lauding its "timeliness and competence." On Saturday, the Cardinal also visited the Santo Spirito Church where Seppia was the parish priest.

OK, let's get this straight. The police suspected this guy, collected evidence over a period of years, and finally had enough for a case so they busted him. You woke the pope up from his nap to ask him to mumble a few extra Latin phrases after his afternoon massage, then went down to the church to say hey to the victims, is that about right? Padre, far be it from us to tell you how to do your job and all, but it seems you're setting the "timeliness and competence" bar a tad low.

According to investigators, Seppia told a friend -- a former seminarian and barman who is currently under investigation -- that the town's malls were the best places to entice minors.

Pervs hang out at the malls. Who knew? The important thing here though, for all of you who think you might be getting a call from god to join the priesthood, is that if you don't make it god's fallback position is bar-tending. Yahweh has your back man, always.

Seppia's defense lawyers are expected to argue that those conversations - monitored since Oct. 20, 2010 - were just words, sex games that were played by adults. It was just a game even when he claimed to have "kissed on the mouth" a 15-year-old altar boy, according to the defense.

Fifty one year old dude kissing a 15 year old boy on the mouth is a game? Um...ew? Didn't anybody ever tell this guy about Monopoly? Trivial Pursuit? Heck even Chutes and Ladders would beat having some old cassock slobbering all over you and then going, "OK your turn."

Hey wait a minute. If Father Fellatio is 51, that means he would have been born in 1960, which means he would have been a kid in the 70's and probably wouldn't have gone into the seminary until the decade was almost over.

Crap. And after popey paid all that good money to those nice folks John Jay College of Criminal Justice to get the holy buttocks off the hot seat, the first perv out of the gate goes and bollixes the whole thing up. Bene, you need to talk to the boss. We mean, come on big G, work with us here will ya? Every time His Holiness the Hatmaster comes up with a reason to dump the pervs in someone else's lap, you come along and throw mud on his vestments. It's almost like you're trying to tell us something.