Monday, July 30, 2007

Hey Handsome. Want To Come Up To My Place And See My Earmarks?

One of the highlights of the four years we spent high in high school, was our good friend Tommy Phillips, whose dad was a photographer, or an artist, or a railroad worker, or a longshoreman. We didn't know, but the point is, he had a subscription to Playboy and every month, when the new edition came he would "throw out" the old one. And by "throw out" we mean look away long enough for Tommy to get out the door with it. This occasioned great interest around Tommy's locker, at least until Mr. Lapius the wrestling coach came by to "confiscate" the magazine and warn that "the next time" he was calling parents. Good thing Mr. Lapius had a bad memory because he never called anyone. Tommy's father never wondered where his old Playboys disappeared to, and life went on. And it was good.

We tell you this by way of introduction to some public service comments we'd like to send out to the authors and defenders of this article.

First of all, IT'S HILLARY FREAKING CLINTON!!1!! Do you not go out of your houses? Do you ever visit the beach? Do you watch the tee vee? Sweet hopscotching Jebus dudes, that isn't cleavage. This is cleavage.

The second issue we feel the need to address is WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT HILLARY'S CHEST??!!??1!! Look, we enjoy the appreciate a good...uh...Well, never mind. The point is when you look at the...erm...competition, obsessing on Hillary's...let's say attributes, is like going to the Louvre and looking at the graffiti in the john. No offense Ms. Clinton. Please don't have us killed like you did Vince Foster.

OK, so the original article was written by a woman, Robin Givhan, who apparently has some cleavage issues of her own. That's her on the right. Yeah, we're not impressed either. Anyway Robin says Hillary's display of what for lack of a better word we'll call cleavage is a "provocation," sort of like if Barak Osamabama showed up for work in a wife beater or something we guess. But the bigger question is who's being provoked? Her fellow senators? Just the republicans? After her speech did she lean over the podium and say, "Hey Boehner, can't touch this"?

And what if she did? Look, the average age in the senate is 112. Let the old people have their fun. Which brings us to John, who apparently was "provoked" by the fact that Hillary is naked under her clothes. He said, "When you look at the calculation that goes into everything that Hillary Clinton does, for her to argue that she was not aware of what she was communicating by her dress is like Barry Bonds saying he thought he was rubbing down with flaxseed oil."

Now, let's start with the fact that in Harwood's mind, microscopic views of Hillary's cleavage (and we must point out again we're using the word under protest) get linked with images of a big, strapping black athlete being rubbed down with oil.

That's just disturbing.

Harwood says Hillary is "calculating" so she knew full well when she put on that outfit it would upset him. Dude, get over yourself. And call this lady. You need some...uh...therapy.

As for Hillary, she's turned the whole thing into a fund raising opportunity. Apparently her philosophy is when life gives you melons, make melonade

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