Tuesday, March 14, 2006

All Dogs Go To Heaven. But Jews? Not So Much

Full disclosure: We attended a Catholic high school run by the Christian Brothers (yes, those Christian Brothers). Explains a lot, doesn't it? Anyway, the point is we're well informed when it comes to who can and can't get into heaven, having spent many an afternoon in Sister Victorine's class praying for the pagan babies instead of practicing our Latin. (Sona si Latine loqueris)

More full disclosure (perhaps too much): It was Sister Victorine who noted in class one day that we were left handed. No doubt filledl with the Holy Ghost, she took it upon herself to explain to the class that Beelzebub himself was a southpaw. Instantly our motivations and behaviors were laid crystal clear before our classmates and from that moment on only the bad girls would agree to dates. Shortly after that we came to understand the phrase "unintended consequences." Thanks Sis.

That being said we feel qualified to speak to the latest dictum from that spurting font of Biblical effluvia, Jerry Falwell, or as his friends call him, The Right Reverend Bozo, who penned the following:

"Reports began circulating across the globe that I have recently stated that Jews can go to heaven without donating to my ministry. This is categorically untrue. Only people on my donor's list can go to heaven." (Job 11:12)

"I am a strong supporter of the State of Israel and dearly love the Jewish people and believe them to be the chosen people of God. That said, I just can't see how God would let them into heaven when my organization has much better television ratings." (Job 8:13)

"In this age of political correctness and diversity, the traditional evangelical belief that salvation is available only through helping me elect right wing whackos is often portrayed as closed minded and bigoted. This is not true. I'm close minded and bigoted because I'm a white man. A rich white man." (Matt. 23:23)

"I have been on record all 54 years of my ministry as being opposed to jews in heaven, or blacks or women for that matter. OK, women maybe, but not the uppity ones." (Matt. 7:5)

"I want to reaffirm that I am a Zionist in terms of Israel's entitlement to its homeland. I continue to pray daily for a crack at the tourist trade. But I still wouldn't want my daughter to go out with one." (Proverbs, 11:19)

"I simply cannot alter my deeply-held belief in the exclusivity of salvation for me and those who are like me for the sake of political or theological expediency. I mean, what kind of God would God be if he didn't care who got into heaven? Do you really think there are ghettos in heaven?" (Matt. 22:18)

Right. And for those of you keeping score at home, Mark 10:25.


Anonymous said...

Great post. That last one (Mark 10:25) is a doozy. I assume it's one of the times Jesus was just kidding.

Ironicus Maximus said...

Yeah. That Jesus, he was a real kidder.Moneychangers? Get outta here you knuckleheads!!