Pot, Meet Kettle, Except The Kettle Never Boinked A Choirboy

We're coming to you today from the Department Of Advice You Didn't Ask For here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DOAYDAF is a division of the Somebody Has To Tell Them Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Zip It, NA.

First, full disclosure. Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that the upshot of effort is disappointment...erm...we mean know that as former bad catholics who have strived mightily to cultivate a complete lack of  religious merit (in Latin and English we might add) we often opine on the state of holy mother church from our Stoli infused position up here in the cheap seats. Now, that is to say we have kept up of the goings on of the funny hat brigade as sort of interested bystanders, you know, like when you come across a car crash.

Which brings us to the topic of today's disquisition: Working for the (holy) man.

A highly-regarded literature instructor filed a federal lawsuit against the diocese after she was fired from her job at the St. Vincent de Paul School for undergoing the fertility treatment.

More full disclosure: We actually taught in a catholic school for four years at which time we were, um, not renewed (Employment tip: Don't call the principal an idiot unless you have union representation) so we know that, yeah, they are that picky. Most of the time however, there's a version of don't ask don't tell going on so we figure someone let Mrs. Herx's cat out of the bag so to speak and bestirred the good fathers from their waiting for Jesus catatonia.

So we'd like to directly address the reverend monsignor Kuzmich and his buddy bishop Rhoades and offer a bit of advice (with all due respect of course): Hey fellas, we submit this in a way you will find familiar: sedent irrumabo descendit et clausit irrumabo usque or, as the interwebs like to say, STFD and STFU.

See, here's the deal guys, when you run a club for child molesters you don't get to tell other people how to live their lives. And then when you get caught running a club for child molesters and you're all like, "Hey, no biggie. Nothing to see here, move along, remember to tithe," not only do you not get to tell people how to live their lives, you don't even get to make suggestions. Even if you're asked you have to say, "Sorry. I'm the kind of guy who sells burial plots next to the pope to mafiosi, so I'm not really qualified to comment on issues of morality."

We hope this clears your confusion so now you can get back to bullying the nuns, which as survivors of Sister Arnulfa's sixth grade catechism class with most of our knuckles intact we have to tell you is not a wise move.

Friday Hound Blogging

I write today in praise of friends. Particularly the four legged  kind, which in certain ways are superior to the human version as they never ask to borrow money, or want us to help them move. Oh sure, my human friends seldom throw up on the rug, but all in all I find much to recommend in having canis familiaris as a boon companion.

Which brings me to the subject of this little missive, my friend Zeus. This was a dog who it could be said had a troubled childhood. He came to the marbled halls of IM Central after having been thrown out of two foster homes because, as it was told to us, he had issues.

And issues he did have, with a capital I. Fear aggression mostly, as a result of his time in the care of the benevolent overlords who abandoned him to the streets without so much as a sorry it didn't work out fella, take care.

If you frightened him by doing something threatening, say walking into the room, he would charge you in full bark mode. But here's the odd thing: He would storm right up to you in all his fake fury, then stop and sit quietly at your feet looking up as if to say, "I know this isn't right, but it's all I have right now."

It was obvious there was something going on in that brindle noggin of his, so we set out to see if we could bring the guy back into polite society. My first thought was doggy Prozac, but luckily our Vet was a wise and knowledgeable person. He suggested a training protocol developed by Dr. Karen Overall at the University of Pennsylvania, and so, procedure in hand I set off to be Professor Higgins to Zeus' Eliza.

It was during this training period that we learned how truly smart Zeus was. One of the aspects of the training was simply to learn to walk on a leash properly and sit whenever we stopped. Zeus picked this up almost immediately and of course I assumed it was due to my talents as a trainer. We had a regular route that we used for these sessions and I usually paid strict attention to where we were and what we were doing as the protocol suggested. But one day for some reason or other I was distracted and as we rounded a corner the leash suddenly tightened in my hand. I turned and saw Zeus was sitting. At first I was confused, but then it hit me. On all our training walks I had always stopped in the same places for Zeus to practice his sit. Zeus had learned that and knew it was time to stop and sit here, even though I hadn't been paying attention. He was better at his protocol than I was.

It took two years, but we managed to rid Zeus of almost all of the fears he brought with him from his days with the overlords. He became a greyhound ambassador, went to meet and greets, pet stores, parades, and a host of other activities. He would still occasionally get nervous and I could always tell because he would lean against me a little harder, I would give him a scratch and an encouraging word, then he would be ready to go on.

I like to think he became the dog he should have been despite his troubled start and I'm certain he was thankful to put those days behind him because some times he would just burst spontaneously into what we called happy attacks where he would suddenly, without warning just leap up and bound through the house bouncing off the furniture, or racing up and down the stairs until he ended up, panting on his favorite pillow looking at us as if to say, this is the life!

Well, I could tell you stories like that all day and believe me I'm tempted to, because what I have to tell you now is the last thing I want to write. Last Friday I lost my friend. Surrounded by those who loved him and just a few months shy of his 15th birthday, Zeus passed peacefully away at the MSU Veterinary hospital after a short illness.

There's really nothing more to say, except we miss you, and we'll never forget.

When we still thought he was just a foster. Silly us

Sun worshiper

Yes, he had his own chair

This nap taken by a professional. Do not try this at home

Your Life Preserver Is Made Of Cement

President Muslim notices the kids:

Road trip! President Barack Obama escapes the stuffy confines of Washington on Tuesday, traveling on a two-day swing through major universities in the electoral battlegrounds of North Carolina, Colorado and Iowa. His mission: to push Congress to keep a lid on student loan costs.

Well, that's a nice thought and all Mr. Socialist  sir, but lower cost loans are still, you know, loans and stuff. It's sort of like giving someone who just cut their arm off cheap access to band aids.

If you really want to help, how about getting public funding back into public schools so the kids don't have to pay for it all themselves. You know, sort of like it was before everyone decided kids were profit centers and not the future of democracy. Yeah, like that.

Friday Hound Blogging

Astar is very friendly with people. She is a very sweet little girl. She is a little skittish of loud noises overhead. She loves to play with toys and go for walks. She is not small dog or cat safe but loves medium and larger size dogs. Astar is housebroken. Aster loves to be around people and other dogs. She would do well in an active home with or without children of any age. She does well not being crated so crating would not be necessary when no one is home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Prison Regulations Had To Be Updated To Authorize Teddy Bears In The Cellblock

We're coming to you today from the Law and Order Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The LAOD is a division of the So What? Jesse James was Six Years Old Once Too Company, a wholly owned subsidy of That's Illegal Unless You're In The Tea Party, Inc.

Once again the full power of the constabulary had to be brought down on the raging chaos that passes for kindergarten in America today.

Police in Georgia handcuffed a kindergartner after the girl threw a tantrum and the police chief defended the action. "When officers arrived at the school, and ordered the suspect to 'straighten up a fly right' they were called 'poopyheads,'" police chief Dray Swicord told reporters. "Showing great restraint, they opted not to TASER the girl," he added. When asked why police and school officials hadn't simply notified the mother to come and take Johnson home, Swicord responded that "parents are seldom armed."

Lt. Wilford Bramble, who commanded the SWAT team called to support police agreed, noting that residents of several nearby  homes had to be evacuated because the suspect threatened to call her accomplice "Bob." The house to house search for Bob was later called off when the girl's mother informed police that she was referring to Spongebob, her favorite cartoon character.

Salecia Johnson, 6, was accused of tearing items off the walls, throwing furniture and being brown in a public school in an outburst Friday at Creekside Elementary School. Police said the girl knocked over a shelf that injured the principal. When asked the extent of the Principal's injuries, Chief Swicord said that he had suffered a bruise to his self esteem when Johnson refused to clean up the mess and referred to him as a "big meanie."

Swicord says the department's policy is to handcuff certain people in certain situations. "Our policy states that any non-Caucasian detainee transported to our station in a patrol vehicle is to be handcuffed in the back and the only kind of discrimination we don't practice around here is age discrimination so there is no age discrimination on that rule. There is also no common sense, and little practical value, but that's because of Georgia state regulations."

The girl's aunt, Candace Ruff, went with the child's mother to pick her up from the police station. She  said Salecia was by herself in a holding cell where police had told her she would have to take a time out for the the next three to five years on a charge of acting like a six year old. Johnson also complained about strip search and the handcuffs. "She said they were really tight. She said they really hurt her wrists," Ruff told reporters.

 "Well, cripes what did you expect?" Lt. Bramble asked. "Have you seen how skinny a six year old's wrists are? We're lucky we got them on at all. Swicord was going to handcuff her ankles but nobody wanted to carry her."

Officials at Creekside Elementary did not immediately return calls. A source told reporters the principal had locked himself in the bathroom as a result of Johnson's name calling and staff were still trying to get him to come out.

Nudesweek

We'd like to thank the editors and staff at Newsweek for reminding us why we only read the foreign press. And they did it with a visual metaphor:

Someone at the magazine (we assume--it could just be something they stole from a high school newspaper) actually tried to write words to justify putting an S&M reference on the cover of a mainstream news magazine, although the best she could come up with was:

In an age where women are dominating—in the workplace, at school, at home—why are they seeking to be dominated in their love lives? Recent media portrayals have shown that a rising number of modern women fantasize about being overpowered...

Now, we're thinking this "writer" may have gotten things a little backward because these "dominating" women who are "dominating" are faced with this when it comes to control of their own bodies:

Perhaps the "writer" just got confused and transposed dominating and dominated. Somebody get rewrite on the phone!

Friday Hound Blogging

King is very a loving, playful, faithful, quick learner. He is a counter surfer since he is tall and stays in the kitchen when his foster mom is cooking. King loves to be king of the house. King’s foster mom is working on commands in the yard and teaching him to walk on the lead. He loves to play with toys, especially his squeaky ones. King would do well in any type of home environment as he is very calm, loving and gentle. He is not cat safe. He would do well either as an only dog or with other dogs. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Yeah, But Keeping Your Hands In Your Pockets All The Time Presents Its Own Set Of Problems

We're coming to you today from the Neologism Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The ND is part of the Corporation for the Coinage of Novel Verbiage, a wholly owned subsidy of Euphemisms Are Less Scary, Inc.

Today's example: Gateway Sexual Activity.

Tennessee senators approved an update to the state's abstinence-based sex education law that includes warnings against "gateway sexual activity." In a new family life instructions bill, holding hands and kissing could be considered gateways to sex.

Um...we're not sexologists or anything (although  we'd like to play one on TV) but it seems to us being born with a gender is a gateway sexual activity. Just a thought.

In related news, Tennessee's teen birth rate is eighth highest in the nation. We suggest gloves, they're like condoms for the hands.

Ann Romney: Stay At Home CEO

OK, so now that the primary campaign is over the real campaign can begin, which means instead of being forced to come up with new and innovative ways not to deal with the issues in the 14,637 republican debates, our vaunted press core can now have their own "etch-a-sketch" moment and start all over not dealing with the issues.

First up, Hilary Rosen, a democratic operative said Ann Romney, as a stay at home mother, "never worked a day in her life."

That sucking sound you hear is the well practiced gasp of republicans everywhere, summoning the press to the side of their fainting couches and that distant sound of thunder you will soon hear will be the sound of 1000's of  little press feet running back and forth between the two sides as they collect information to help them write the 1000's of  little articles that will all start out with a variation of "Did you hear what X said about Y?"

In related news, Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly are on pace to have a record number of  apoplectic episodes by the time the nominating conventions are held.

Let's end this right now. Ann, what's your response?

 "I made a choice to stay home and raise five boys. Believe me, it was hard work," Ann tweeted.

Later, to help expand her point, she introduced the nanny, her personal shopper, the chauffeur, several "aides," personal trainers, and tutors. "It takes a village to raise a child," she said. "And we darn near had to hire one with all these kids."

Your move Hilary.

Women Like To Work for Less. Ann Coulter Says So. And We Think She's A Woman.

Yesterday, as we were lamenting the lack of comprehensive community mental health facilities in this country, one of the examples we mentioned was Scott Walker, CEO of the Koch Brothers Midwest subsidy, formerly known as Wisconsin. In his race to be the first sitting governor of a state recalled with a 100% plurality, Mr. Walker had just signed a bill repealing the equal pay enforcement act.

Well, of course he did you think. If you don't need unions to protect the rights of workers through collective bargaining, why would wage protections be necessary? Surely you don't think employers would discriminate based on gender, race or age do you? What kind of a worker's utopia would that be?

Tru dat. Silly us. Guess we just weren't thinking. Good thing Republican state senator Glenn Grothman, a major driver of the repeal was there to explain it to everyone.

Grothman says companies are being bombarded with false accusations of discrimination. “It’s an under-reported problem, but a huge number of discrimination claims are baseless,” he said.When asked to give some examples of the companies being "bombarded" Grothman said he couldn't name any right off hand, but a "friend of his brother-in-law's cousin" had Tweeted him there were "tons."

He argued that the Wisconsin law, which allowed for damages of up to $300,000, the same amount as in federal law, raised the cost of doing business in the state to intolerable levels. “It just puts Wisconsin way out of whack with other states,” he says. “I’m not sure there are any other states this bad off.” When a reporter pointed out that 33 other states either have no cap or the same cap as Wisconsin, Grothman said that by "bad off" he hadn't meant the equal pay issue per se, but instead was referring to the fact that Wisconsin law seems to assume all people were equal and should be treated as such. "What crazy liberal thought that up?" he asked.

Grothman told reporters that the equal pay enforcement act was unnecessary because the whole idea of pay discrimination against women is fraudulent. "It's like the difference between a Cadillac and a Volkswagen," he explained. "You're going to pay more for the Cadillac because you get more car. Same as in the workplace."

Whatever gaps exist, he insisted, stemmed from women’s decision to prioritize child-rearing over their careers. "It says right in the bible that women would rather stay home and raise kids than go out into the workforce and out perform men. Except for the lesbos of course."

He continued, “What you’ve got to look at, and Ann Coulter has looked at this, is you have to break it down by married and unmarried..."

Wait, wait. Just a minute. Excuse us. You're citing Ann Coulter as a resource? Ann Coulter? You realize what that means senator Grothman. It means, first of all, you're admitting to knowing who Ann Coulter is, secondly that you read the stuff she writes, and third--and we can't overstate how important this particular one is to your credibility--that you think she makes sense.

"Look, she's blond and she's hot," Grothman retorted. "I mean smart. She's smart."

A reporter pointed out that A 2007 study by the American Association of University Women found that college-educated women earn only 80 percent as much as similarly educated men a year after graduation. Part of that is attributable to differences in life choices and family circumstances, but not all. “After accounting for college major, occupation, industry, sector, hours worked, workplace flexibility, experience, educational attainment, enrollment status, GPA, institution selectivity, age, race/ethnicity, region, marital status, and number of children, a 5 percent difference in the earnings of male and female college graduates one year after graduation was still unexplained,” it said. After 10 years in the workforce, there’s an unexplained 12 percent gap.

“The American Association of University Women is a pretty liberal group,”  Grothman said. Oh yeah, and Ann Coulter is the font of objectivity.

"You could argue that money is more important for men because that's one of the ways they control women," Grothman added. "I mean, if my wife made more than I did, or even the same, she's drop me like a lit match."

In Which Ironicus Declares Enough Is Enough...Sort Of

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the present is merely the future decayed and the past is hope given a merciful end...erm...we mean know that we occasionally like to take a trip through the various state legislative bodies of this once proud and prosperous nation to see how many chapters from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders are currently exhibiting themselves in the form of duly elected citizen politicians.

Truth be told, most of them, and frankly it's beginning to wear on us a little. We mean, the first five or six hundred times, sure there was a chuckle to be found in Tennessee trying to legislate science, or Scott Walker trying to send women back to the kitchen, although to be fair to governor Walker, the law does stipulate that women are still allowed to wear shoes and may refrain from getting pregnant until marriage--which should occur at the earliest possible date.

And don't even get us started on UN conspiracies to save the planet, Satan's plan to take over the world one single parent at a time, why your boss needs to know what you're doing with your lardyparts, gamete liberation and, well, this could go on all day. And that's the point.

Guys. The country's falling apart fast enough as it is, what's the rush? We're thinking these folks figure if we just return the country to the 19th century, maybe we could get a do over and by the time we made it back to the present things would be...well, like they were in the 19th century we guess. Some people just don't like the present. Or the future. Or the past as it actually was for that matter, but we digress.

Now, we could make a stand here and say from this day forward we refuse to further the insanity by reporting on what these clueless paranoids are up to, but you know as soon as we said that, some legislator somewhere would come up with an idea so incredibly wackazoid, so fantastically jaw droppingly, eye poppingly over the line that we would be forced to bring it to your attention.

So the question before us then is what can last longer, their ability to be allowed out in public without medication, or our Stoli stamina?

Hard to say, but wasn't life so much simpler when all we had to worry about was when Obama was going to take away all our guns and turn this country into a socialist Muslim caliphate? Also, too, GAYS!!

Friday Hound Blogging

Oh man, look out James Cameron, sit down Stephen Spielberg. Quentin Tarantino? Get outta here. The overlords have made a movie!!!11eleventy11!!! Well, we think they've made a movie. At least they say they've made a movie and they have a website to prove it.

Now, a lot of you are probably skeptical, given the technological acumen of the overlords that they can figure out which end of a pencil to put on the paper let alone produce a major motion picture, so the crack investigative team here in the marbled halls of IM Central has sobered up long enough to delve into this multimedia conundrum.

The "alleged" film is being produced by Silver Line Productions. See, we say alleged because that's what they say on CSI Miami a lot. Anyway we checked and Silver Line Productions--if that is indeed their real name--is a wedding photography company somewhere in California. Of course there was a whole page of Silver Lines when we Googled it so that may not be the right one, but hey, who do you think you're dealing with here, Special Agent Gibbs or something?

OK so we examined the web page and found that it was created on March 29, 2012 using one of those Go Daddy knockoffs and it must have been free because the hosting company has ads for itself all over the page. On the Home page there's a photo of a greyhound standing alone in the snow tied to a fence.  We're not sure what to make of this except that it is probably meant to symbolize the amount of care and concern the overlords have for the units...um...we mean the greyhounds.

The About page lists the production team and tells us the film will be called "Muzzled" and will be "A short documentary looking into the world of Greyhound racing. As a sport, it has recieved (sic)a lot of negative portrayal; we aim to show the positive side of the industry and the various people involved in Greyhound Racing." We tend to think this part is authentic because of the misspelling. We mean come on, we are dealing with the overlords here.

Alyssa Patel is listed as the producer (Hey Alyssa, i before e except after c...) Now, Google tells us that Alyssa Patel is the world's youngest piano player, so we're thinking she's decided to branch out into films. The Director is Bianca Donohoe whose previous films include Chinatown, Georgia Rule, The Royal Tenenbaums, and Fight Club, although to be fair we should point out that she just went to see those movies, she didn't really, you know, direct them and stuff.

The next page contains the film's trailer which is 25 seconds long and shows some dogs doing stuff. Now we figure if the average film trailer is a little over two minutes and the average film is about 90 minutes, that ratio means Muzzled will be approximately 15 minutes long. Without the credits of course. That will make it longer. Course they said it was going to be "short," so the movie going public is only getting what they were promised, we guess. Plus, you won't run out of popcorn halfway through the picture.

OK, so no film gets released without a big PR build up so it's no surprise the next page is the Press Packet. Imagine our surprise when we see there is nothing on the page. Then we remembered "recieved" and we thought, OK they couldn't get the high school intern in to write the release because she thought it was more important to go to Soccer practice, so the whole press thing had to be rescheduled. Christ, these egos, huh Sugar? Wonder if Martin Scorsese has to put up with this kind of hassle.

 Hot Sugar Walker is a very friendly, curious and loving girl. She loves to go for walks and play with her toys. She loves kids. She is cat safe and loves dogs of any size. She does well in her crate and is housebroken. She loves everyone she meets. Hot Sugar Walker would do well with either a family or a single person. She would also do well either as an only dog or with other dogs of any size and/or cats. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Hi. I'm Mitt Romney. Please Select Your Demographic From The Following List To Access My Relationship Programming

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that the upcoming presidential election is just another arrangement of deck chairs on the listing ship of state as it founders in the tides of history...erm...we mean know that we like to occasionally have a little fun at the expense of our friends over on Jesus street.

Now, mostly we target the fish eaters, having once been in the crew ourselves and because they provide such a target rich field of potential topics, but as we were slooshing through the intertoobz this morning we ran across this concerning the religious programming of Mittbot v 2.1:

Mitt Romney seemed to know almost immediately that he had picked the wrong person to call on at a town hall meeting here. Standing up with a sheet of paper in one hand and a video camera in the other, the young man nervously told Romney that he had concerns about his religion.

Reading that paragraph and knowing the MittBot as we do we fully expected that the young man would be asked what his particular flavor of godliness was, a slight period of fraught silence would follow and then suddenly Mitty would throw up his arms and proclaim to the heavens that he too, had just epiphanized that particular epiphany and brotherhood and fellowship would break out like measles at an inner city daycare.

Well, that didn't happen. Instead the Mittster-- who had the presence of programming not to get into discussing the finer points of Mormon racism--accessed his personal logs and selected a "meaningful personal narrative" for playback.

Romney went on to talk at length about his work as a volunteer Mormon lay pastor for his church in Boston. "That gave me the occasion to work with people on a very personal basis that were dealing with unemployment, with marital difficulties, with health difficulties of their own and with their kids," the candidate explained. "And I thought, Christ it sucks to be poor. Shortly after that I started Bain Capital."

"When you get a chance to know people on a very personal basis, whether you're serving as a pastor or as a counselor or in other kinds of roles, you understand that every kind of person you see is facing some challenges," Romney continued."And that totally creeped me out, so I took off for France where the poor people didn't speak English."

Romney's response was the kind of answer his campaign staff has been encouraging him to undertake on the trail for months, but accessing that particular sub-routine had been plagued with bugs and often, as with his factory closing story, he would inadvertently access an anecdote created for one of his fundraising dinners rather than for the open campaign.

It was a side of Romney that his staff and even his family have encouraged him to reveal on the stump, but it's been difficult because Romney, aides say, feels uncomfortable with human  emotion, having hired aides for that sort of thing since his days at Bain Capital closing plants and moving jobs offshore.

It seems the advice isn't just coming from those closest to him. At two different stops on Monday, Romney casually mentioned he had gotten an email over the weekend from Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker encouraging him to talk more about how unions killed his sister.

Maybe That Was The Presentation He Was Going To Show At His Seminary Class Reunion

OK, let's say you're a well respected member of the community, a pillar if you will, but you work for a company that been taking a bit of a beating in the press lately for some less than ethical actions and as a result the customers are getting a bit restless. So you're out in your official capacity trying to shore up the dike so to speak and in that role you find yourself in front of a group of the aforementioned patrons and patronesses tasked with the goal of burnishing the old corporate image.

So you fire up the computer, throw in the flash drive and prepare to set off on a Powerpoint excursion through all the reasons why bygones should be bygones. But instead of a multimedia exegesis apologia you get a screen filled with ...Pr0n!!

An investigation is under way after indecent images were "inadvertently" shown by a Catholic priest during a presentation at a primary school in County Tyrone. Father Martin McVeigh projected the images onto a screen during a meeting for parents in Pomeroy in preparation for First Holy Communion. One child was also present.

Well, there goes your merit bonus.

Parents said 16 indecent images of men were displayed. The priest said he had no knowledge of the offending imagery.

Now, in Father McVeigh's defense, he probably did have his back to the screen and it wasn't until Mrs. O'Donnell fainted that he thought to look around, but our question is which of the audience members had the presence of mind to count the images?

The parents said Fr McVeigh quickly removed the memory stick."He was visibly shaken and flustered," said the parents. "He gave no explanation or apology to the group and bolted out of the room. Later and spokesman for the Vatican Office of Crap, We've Done It Again issued a statement that said "Oh crap. We've done it again."

"The meeting continued in his absence, however, the parents who viewed the pictures were horrified and distracted."This was the most exciting thing to happen at church since Colin Healy's case of explosive diarrhea," one parent told reporters.

"Twenty minutes later he returned, he continued with the meeting and wrapped up by saying that the children get lots of money for their Holy Communion and should consider giving some of it to the church."

Good for you Padre. When in trouble always play to your strengths, although it would have been even better if you'd mentioned that some of that money could go to computer classes so you could learn how to password protect certain...um...sensitive files. Just a suggestion.

In a statement on Monday, Cardinal Brady, the head of the Catholic Church in Ireland, said  "The priest has stated that he had no knowledge of the offending imagery. The archdiocese immediately sought the advice of the PSNI who indicated that, on the basis of the evidence available, no crime had been committed.

"Look, we're as surprised as everyone else that no crime was committed," Cardinal Brady said.