Friday Hound Blogging

Well it's been a couple of weeks since the good people of Massachusetts decided that the overlords needed to redefine their skills ecosystem in light of the long game change factor so they don't become lost in the sauce, nor develop low decision latitude. Let's see how they're retasking their core competencies:

The shock is starting to wear off and supporters of the Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park are wandering in off the streets. An overflow crowd of about 300 backers of one of the town’s biggest employers jammed town hall and threatened to hold their breathes until they passed out.

Those who could speak in complete sentences criticized the campaign, sponsored by the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animal and other groups, for misleading voters about the treatment of greyhounds and their adoption. “That’s the furthest thing from the truth,” said Raynham resident Christopher Roberts, an announcer at the dog track. "Well, except for the part that's true."

The dogs will continue to race to tracks in one of 12 other states, Roberts said. “A thousand people will be out of work while 1,000 greyhounds are still going to race. I have no idea what that means since no one pays the units...er...dogs, but I'm good with slogans, huh?"

Daniel Currie, owner of Currie Glass on Broadway said local businesses will suffer. “The closing of the track is going to affect a lot more than 1,000 jobs.”

"Aw, dang. There goes my 1000 jobs 1000 dogs," Roberts exclaimed, then left the meeting muttering to himself.

Police Chief Louis Pacheco and Fire Chief James Januse said the track has made the town safer by paying for full-time police and fire details to patrol the track and the surrounding neighborhood. “It’s a lethal blow to the police department," Pacheco said. "Most of the crime in the area was out at the track. What are we supposed to do now? Assign armed officers to parking meter patrol?"

Many employees said claims made by backers of Question 3 about cruelty to animals were never supposed to have become common knowledge. “The only abuse I can see is 1,000 people out of work,” said Mike Curran, an overlord for 30 years at the dog track. "'Course I don't look real hard if you know what I mean."

At that point Roberts came back into the hall. "Did you say 1000?" he asked excitedly.

Don't worry overlords. Mr. Carney cares about you. You're just like family to him. He's invested many years and lots of money in your training. He won't let you suffer. Say, where is Mr. Carney anyway? Shouldn't he be here to support you in your hour of need? Have you seen him Jake? What's that you say? "How's it feel to get tossed on the trash heap when you can't bring money in for your masters anymore?"

Jake wags his tail a lot, even to people that he passes by in the park. He plays with a furry squeaky toy on his own. He’s very calm and quiet. He can be goofy. He will push the family dog away at times; when she is right there next to him, he will push her with his butt. He’s very sweet. Jake would do fine in a working family home with well-mannered children over the age of 9. He gets along with other dogs, but he would probably be fine an only dog. Jake can jump a standard fence, so he needs a home with a privacy fence or with a family who will always walk him on lead. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Frequent readers of this blog know that life doesn't care how handsome and intelligent you are...er...we mean know that here at IM Central there is a long tradition that we remember from time to time called Hounds Home for the Holiday in which we try to unload an extra skinny dog or two on to someone's couch as the festive season approaches.

But first, a word from our sponsor:

The number of greyhounds registered in the racing industry has dropped from a high of 39,139 in 1993 to 20,227 in 2007. 2008 is on track to drop below 20,000, according to a National Greyhound Association registry. "The reason for that is simple education," says Tim Horan with the National Greyhound Association."We knew this would happen if more people learned to read. Not to mention better dental care."

"In Florida, the retirees and vacationers are going to the race track but they're not betting on the dogs, they're playing poker," Horan says. "See, it's that reading thing again."

Although the number of adopted greyhounds has steadily risen - about 26,500 were adopted in 2007, compared to about 20,000 in 2005, according to the NGA - some adoption groups are faltering with the weak economy as well. Several rescue farms near tracks have shut down, says Joan Buck, who oversees Queen City Greyhounds' local adoptions.

"We appreciate you guys taking out the trash for us," Horan said. "But it looks like you need a bigger bag. Joke. That was a joke."

People with souls tend not to find things like that funny, huh CC?

CC Dreaming is a really sweet little girl. Her trainer says that she is shy when first approached by strangers but once she has your trust she is a wonderful dog. She likes to play with toys and she will take one toy out of the toy box at a time and then she will go find another one. She really likes nyla-bones. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Dreaming would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be better with another dog to help build her confidence. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

I'll Gladly Pay You On Tuesday For A Bailout Today

You remember that time back in college when you lent your roommate 20 bucks because he promised to pay you back by Friday? Twenty bucks which you didn't have, by the way, because even though you thought you could get through Social Psych without buying the textbook, after that first exam you were thinking maybe the plan might have to be revised. Then on Friday he gave you some lame excuse about not having the money for "a couple more days" but that night you saw him at the bar and he was buying drinks for this little hottie he was trying to make it with? Yeah. Us too. That's why we're a little ticked at this.

As part of its federal life preserver, AIG, the insurance behemoth, will continue to spend hundreds of millions of dollars to put their corporate logos on sports stadiums and events. "We have to do it so we can keep our executive skyboxes," said a spokesperson. "It's...um...er...for meetings."

AIG is paying $125 million so the Manchester United soccer club will wear the AIG logo on their uniforms. An AIG spokesman said that the Man U sponsorship won't be abandoned but that the company is "reviewing all sponsorships to identify any relationship that might be essential, to maintain the value of the business and service customers. We're thinking about cutting back in non-essential areas, like payments on claims," the spokesman said.

"A friend of mine joked they should put 'US Treasury' on the front of their uniforms," said Steve Ellis of Taxpayers for Common Sense.

"We weren't kidding," responded a Treasury spokesperson.

At the daily briefing, White House spokesman Tony Fratto said, "I mean, firms do that as a marketing item, and certainly marketing is important for any business," he said. "This is what allows them to attract new customers who will then get lousy service because they're spending all their money on sports paraphernalia. It's just good business, you know?"

How Do You Say Jihad In Latin?

Regular readers of this blog know that they'll never be rich enough to be taxed by President Obama...er...we mean know that we've written on several occasions about our attendance at the local educorporate training facility overseen by the benevolent malevolencey of the church catholic. A situation from which we escaped upon graduation from Our Lady of the Perpetual Collection Plate High School (Bingo on Saturdays!) and never looked back.

This, however has us reconsidering.

In comments that could have broad implications in a period of intense religious conflict, Pope Benedict XVI cast doubt on the possibility of interfaith dialogue but called for more discussion of the practical consequences of religious differences. "The pope is concerned that it may be a waste of time to talk with people who are going to hell anyway," said a vatican spokesman.

Oh, yeah! Religious tolerance? Popey don't play that.

The pope’s comments came in a letter he wrote to Marcello Pera, an Italian center-right politician and scholar whose forthcoming book, Why We Must Call Ourselves Christian, argues that Europe should stay true to its Christian roots which it developed around 313 AD. "Europe wasn't really Europe before then. Didn't have zip codes or anything." the spokesperson added. "It's all about god. Really. It is. Just look at the title of the pope's letter on religious dialogue: Arabs back to Arabland. Er...It sounds better when you say it in Latin."

In quotations from the letter that appeared in Corriere della Sera, Italy’s leading daily newspaper, the pope said the book “explained with great clarity” that “an interreligious dialogue in the strict sense of the word is not possible.”

"Well, by 'not possible' the pope didn't really mean not possible, just...umm...OK maybe that's what he did mean. Look, he's old and that whole Nazi youth thing still affects him, you know. He's used to there only being one point of view."

Benedict added that “intercultural dialogue which deepens the cultural consequences of basic religious ideas” was important. He called for confronting “in a public forum the cultural consequences of basic religious decisions. by people other than catholics. And if that doesn't work, shoot them. Hey it worked in 1940."

The Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, said the pope’s comments seemed intended to draw interest to Mr. Pera’s book, not to cast doubt on the Vatican’s many continuing interreligious dialogues. “He has a papacy known for interacting with the wrong religions; he peed on the carpet at a mosque, he’s tagged walls at synagogues,” Father Lombardi said. “This means that he thinks we can meet and talk to the others and have a positive relationship in which they admit they're wrong and transfer their assets to the one and only true church (Bingo on Saturdays!).”

This month, the Vatican held a conference with Muslim religious leaders and scholars aimed at "Getting their minds right with god." The conference participants agreed to condemn terrorism except when necessary to "help individuals and societies along the path to righteousness," and protect religious freedom, but they did not address issues of conversion and of the rights of Christians in majority Muslim countries to worship. Which, of course meant that religious freedom wasn't protected, but it sounded better in Latin.

After the conference the vatican issued a statement calling on all catholics to have more children and to make sure an attend the special Double Payback Bingo this Saturday.

Friday Hound Blogging

Oh man, Barack Obama isn't even president yet and already his minions are gearing up to take your guns away, turn the country over to the terrorists and make your daughter marry a gay man. OK so we haven't thought that last one all the way trough yet, but one thing is for certain, high up on the list of targets are the overlords.

According to Carey Theil, executive director of the Committee to Protect Dogs, the Massachusetts based anti-dog-racing group will sit down soon to determine its agenda in New Hampshire's coming legislative session."We'll be getting together in the next couple of weeks with our board and our two New Hampshire board members to see what they want to do in New Hampshire," Theil said. "BWAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm coming for you Carney," she added.

Paul LeFlamme, a former Nashua state legislator, and Mike Trombly, a former deputy director of the New Hampshire Para-Mutuel Commission are the two Granite State residents on the board who would be integral in making the decision to take or not take action in state, Theil said.

"Must...obey...master," Trombly added. "End racing...Must end racing," said LeFlamme.

Uh oh. Looks like trouble for Mr. Carney huh Speedy?

Speedy is sweet and a little bit of a leaner. She comes up and puts her face in your lap for affection. She likes to be petted and will come and ask to be petted, she’s a very assertive. She’s got a helicopter tail. She will roo when she hears her foster mom come home; she’s very vocal in comical way. She’s a very pleasant dog. Speedy would do well with a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She would be fine as an only dog or with other average to larger size dogs. She needs a home with a fenced yard. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

For In The Way You Judge, You Will Be Judged*

Excuse us, could you explain again how religion makes us all better people:




Here's what the head shill at the "Spirit Center" had to say:

"The main point of the marque is to cause the christians to understand he is not a christian. Again, they would call me and they would tell me he is not a Muslim because he is a christian. That's not the point, the point is he's not a christian."

Umm...what?

(h/t)

*Matthew 7:2
**Luke 6:36

Looks Like Luca Brasi May Be Taking A Trip To Texas

Whilst slooshing through the Ted Stevens Memorial Inter Toobz recently, we experienced one of those trans dimensional moments that are usually only induced by copious amounts of adult beverages. However, this being a school night we had eschewed our nominal intake of conscious altering substances, and instead were quite contentedly sipping a fine chamomile mint when it became glaringly obvious to us that we had fallen down the rabbit hole, and not the one we fell into eight years ago either.

A Willacy County grand jury under District Attorney Juan Angel Guerra returned multi-count indictments Monday against Vice President Dick Cheney, former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, plus several other public officials.

Oh, do go on.

The indictment accuses Cheney and Gonzales of engaging in organized criminal activity.

You don't say.

Gonzales is accused of using his position while in office to stop an investigation into abuses at the federal detention centers.

We are shocked, we tell you, shocked.

It criticizes Cheney's investment in the Vanguard Group, which holds interests in the private prison companies running the federal detention centers. It accuses Cheney of a conflict of interest and "at least misdemeanor assaults" on detainees by working through the prison companies.

Well, now we know the charge is bogus. Cheney committing a "misdemeanor" assault. Yeah, like you'd walk away from what he did to you, right Whittington?

They all face a stream of criminal charges including abuse of office, profiting from office, and murder.

Did you say Muuuuurrrrrduuuurrrr??? Where is Joe Biden anyway?

It's Advanced Econometrical Stratigericals. You Wouldn't Understand

We're coming to you from the Move Along, Nothing To See Here Department in the marbled halls of IM Central today. MANtSH is a subsidiary of the The Adults Are In Charge Corporation in partnership with We Went To College for This, Inc.

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke waged a stout defense on Capitol Hill of their management of a $700 billion financial bailout just one week after the administration abandoned the original strategy behind the rescue. "We think the plan that we don't have anymore is the best approach to this problem," secretary Paulson said.

"And that's why we're going to come up with another one," Bernanke added. "But first, watch this drive."

Focusing the program on pouring billions more into bank rat holes — and possibly anybody else with ties to Bush's Rangers — to pump up their holiday bonuses was deemed a faster and more effective approach to wasting the blank check Congress cluelessly gave them in the first place than buying rotten assets from bankrupt financial institutions, the completely idiotic centerpiece of the original plan, Paulson said.

Buying those worthless debts would have required "massive stupidity even we aren't capable of," Paulson said in testimony before the House Financial Services Committee, most of whom were sober. As economic and financial conditions quickly worsened, it became clear that the first installment of the money — $350 billion — "would have left nothing over for CEO compensation packages," he said.

"If we have learned anything throughout this year, we have learned that this financial crisis is unpredictable and difficult to counteract," Paulson said. "Also that we're complete idiots who shouldn't be trusted with your daughter's piggy bank."

In other news, A homeless man has been sentenced to nearly four years in prison and ordered to pay more than $101 million for starting two fires, including one that burned more than 163,000 acres in California two years ago. Secretary Paulson said a special request would be made to Congress to provide bailout money for him.

Republicans Begin Rebuilding: Deny Ever Knowing Anyone In Bush Family

Well it seems the overlords aren't the only ones left scratching their heads and wondering where they went wrong after the last election. OK, maybe scratching their heads and wondering if they have what it takes to make it at Walmart greeter school is more like it. Especially now that it looks like the competition is going to be a little tougher.

GOP officials and strategists at party conferences last week offered sharply contrasting assessments of what went wrong, and of how difficult it will be to rebuild. "We're pretty sure god still likes us," said one attendee who asked not to be identified. "Although apparently he doesn't care about his reputation as much as we thought he did."

Older party hands pointed to John McCain’s totally whackazoid campaign and having George Bush in the party. “I have looked down at the grave of the Republican Party and this ain’t it,” assured Mississippi Governor and 90s-era RNC chairman Haley Barbour, “It's over there next to that ditsy chick from Alaska."

The up-and-comers, meanwhile, sounded the alarm of impending permanent minority status unless the party changes. "When your entire constituency consists of bubbas, bigots and bible thumpers, your future is not rosy," said Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty.

Barbour argued there was a way to defeat Obama—by rendering him unacceptable to American voters. “And the McCain campaign did not choose to try to make that argument,” he observed. "Well except when they tried to convince people he was a Muslim, socialist, communist, black power terrorist who hated America."

RNC Chairman Mike Duncan, expressed optimism about the GOP’s prospects for the 2010 mid-term elections, suggesting the GOP losses this year were a result of voters actually paying attention to issues rather than personalities. "Give people some nude pictures of Sarah Palin," he said. "Then people will forget what a bunch of douche bags we are."

“If you look at the American electorate, and where they stand and what they believe—we’re in good shape," he added. "I'd like my medication now please.”

“We cannot be a majority governing party when we essentially cannot compete in the northeast; we are losing our ability to compete in the Great Lakes states, we cannot compete on the west coast,” Pawlenty argued, also citing similar problems in the mid-Atlantic and interior west. “Similarly, we cannot compete and prevail as a majority governing party when we have a significant deficit as we do with woman, where we have a large deficit with Hispanics, where we have a large deficit with African-American voters, where we have a large deficit with people of modest incomes. Our whole party is composed of people too stupid to know they're voting against their own self interests, or too rich to care.”

"What's your point?" Barbour asked.

Pawlenty put it more plainly: “The Republican Party is going to need more than just a comb-over.”

He doesn’t advocate for actually accepting reality—few prominent voices in the party are—but rather for aggressively offering irrational solutions on issues such as health care, energy and education that have been viewed as Democratic turf. "We've got to convince poor people that it's OK for them to die at an earlier age, that they really don't need heat in the winter, or to learn how to read. Rich people will take care of them if we just let them get rich enough."

Utah Governor Jon Huntsman, 48, made a similar case. Like Pawlenty, Huntsman said Republicans had to come to terms with a country increasingly different from the one that, until this year, had favored rich white people.

"We’re fundamentally staring down a demographic shift that we’ve never seen before in America,” he observed. "And therefore I suggest that in the next election cycle our campaign slogan be 'Blacks and Asians and Hispanics, Oh My!!'"

Other younger Republicans, though, share the position that the GOP's problems the result of living in a dream world. At a “lessons-learned” conference in South Carolina over the weekend comprised of GOP state chairman and other prominent party activists, there was widespread sentiment that Republicansare about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. “I think one of the biggest things we’re facing is the fact that we've pretty much trashed the country,” observed Pete Ricketts, the 44-year-old former COO of Ameritrade who lost to Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson in 2006. “The American people don’t trust us because we spent the last eight years lying to them.”

"But that's a central plank in the party platform," Duncan said.

Robin Smith chairs the Republican Party in Tennessee, one of the few states where the party made gains this year, capturing the state House and state Senate for the first time since Reconstruction with a conservative message that plays well in the South. "But most of the folks down there can't read," she added. "They just voted for the pretty pictures we put on the ballot."

“I think the Republican Party now is at a point in its life where we’re going to have to have regional messages,” Smith said. "In other words, we'll tell you whatever you want to hear and hope you don't know anyone out of your state. I call it the Mitt Romney Strategy."

The party should not compromise its core “DNA” of small government and lower taxes, Smith added, but ought to allow for some deviation where politically necessary. "And by that I mean totally abandoning our principles if it will help us hang on to power. Just like the last eight years."

“Republicans got destroyed in 1964, they had three election cycles to catch up,"GOP pollster Frank Luntz said. "We got destroyed in 1974, we have three election cycles to catch up. They’ve been destroyed in 2006 and 2008—maybe we should take the hint.”

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, another bad week for the overlords. First the people of Massachusetts are all like, hey, we have to work for a living, you should too. Then the overlords in New Hampshire look on Google maps and see that they aren't so far away from the Bay State.

The organization against dog racing that is responsible for the ballot initiative that will ban greyhound racing in Massachusetts by 2010 is still debating what its next move will be in New Hampshire. "Hey, no need to worry about us," said a representative of Seabrook Greyhound Park, on of the two operating greyhound race tracks in the state. "We really care for our units...er...dogs. Nobody gets hurt around here. Well, maybe the occasional tiny boo boo, (pdf) but that's just because we pet them so hard."

Seabrook officials have historically been against the ban of dog racing in the state. Such a ban would result in a loss of about $165,000 in annual racing fees the race track pays into the town's scholarship funds, as well as lessen the $141,000 in property taxes the park pays annually. "Where else is the state going to get that kind of money?" asked a racing industry spokesperson. "Oh sure you could put a Walmart on the land, or develop it as stores and houses, or just turn it into a park or some sort of tourist destination and really clean up, but where's the profit in that. What about the people who work here who could probably get better jobs if this land were actually used in a positive way, huh? What about them. What was the question again?"

Uh...we think we have our answer. But to get on with our story, fate wasn't done peeing in the overlords' shoes.

The greyhound racing industry is in severe decline as the public become aware of the cruelty and death that is an inherent part of it but which has been kept well hidden for decades.

OK, now if you're an overlord and you read that opening sentence, you know this isn't going to be one of those, whadyacallit, flattering profiles? And you know what? You'd be right.

Please don't believe any of their claims; the dogs are still suffering and dying just as they always have. How could it be otherwise? What are they going to do with the thousands of greyhounds that reach the end of their racing career every year? They will tell you that all the dogs go to good homes and live happily ever after but where are all these homes coming from? Anyone who has ever tried to get any animal into a sanctuary will know that they are always full with long waiting lists.

Now that's unfair. The overlords don't use sanctuaries. Too much paper work. Too many questions. They just dump the dogs on whomever they can find that suffers from a terminal case of compassion.

The industry will also try to refute our claims that greyhounds are suffering on a massive scale by telling you that they look after their dogs well because it's in their interest to do so; they want their dog to be fit and healthy so that it will be able to win races. Well at least they are admitting here that their concern is of a commercial nature.

Aw, come on. How many times have we written about the overlords' deep and abiding care for their units before, during and after their racing careers? Oh yeah. Never.

We have not yet even mentioned the worst, most disgusting part of this whole issue. The vast over breeding of greyhound puppies mainly in Ireland to supply the relatively small number of dogs required by the racing industry each year. It is estimated that 30000 to 40000 puppies are produced every single year to replace the 4000 or so that leave the tracks and go to an unknown fate. What happens to the surplus?

Umm...if they can't make it in sports, they move on to entertainment? No? Real estate? Oh, we know. Let's ask Informer.

Informer “purrs” when he is happy. He’s an absolute gentle dog. He likes to walk with you. Sometimes he bumps into doors. He comes up to you and looks into your eyes. He is very clever and allows his foster dad to use the dremel tool on his nails. He is used to traveling in the car. He likes to “collect” items. He’s like a big puppy. He just stands in front of you and talks to you. He acts like a three-legged dog because he holds up his right rear foot, where he had a corn removed. Informer would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He gets along with the cats and other greys in his foster home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Shouldn't You Be Home Packing?

Hey, guess what we just found out. George Bush is still president! Really. Is he like, refusing to move or something? Chained to the bed in the Lincoln bedroom? He does know Obama is the new president and not a butler doesn't he?

On the bright side though, it does make writing this blog easier to do and does not require sobriety to do it. Let's listen in to his latest speecification.

U.S. President George W. Bush offered a vigorous defense of the free market system. "Well, except for that whole wrecking the American economy and maybe driving a global recession thing," he added. "But hey, omelet, eggs, know what I'm saying?"

Bush goes to Wall Street to outline his agenda for that summit which will kick off reforming the global financial regulatory system. "While reforms in the financial sector are essential, the long-term solution to today's problems is my retirement," Bush said. "And the surest path to that is someone giving me cab fare to the airport."

Several people were hurt in the rush to the stage before the president could make clear he was just kidding.

"Government intervention is not a cure-all," Bush said after paramedics treated the injured. "I intervened after Katrina. I intervened in Iraq. Do I have to say more?"

The speech is Bush's attempt to pretend he understands the reason for the high-level gathering he's hosting in Washington this weekend. To give himself something to do after the movers take down his train set, Bush is convening representatives of some of the world's biggest industrial democracies, emerging nations and international bodies in Washington. "That new fella Baroque says we have to bring in the brainiacs," the president said. "And I figure I'm outta here in a few weeks so what the heck."

He will host the leaders at a White House dinner Friday and review causes and solutions for the financial mess Saturday. "It will be a pretty short meeting," said one White House aide on condition of anonymity. "Cause: Bush administration. Solution: January 20, 2009."

His main message to the leaders: Reforming financial markets alone won't help if they abandon the free market and restrict trade. "The crisis was not a failure of the free market system," Bush was to say. "And the answer is not to try to reinvent that system. I mean, come on. The system worked before I got here. Wait, that didn't come out right."

We Got Your Dominus Vobiscum Right Here

We're sorry to have to be the ones to tell you this. We know how excited and hopeful you were when Obama got elected. Return to normalcy; governed by people with brains; "Science" no longer a four letter word; stuff like that, but the truth is, his presidency will fail. How do we know? He's ticked off the bishops and the only thing worse than that is ticking off the nuns. We still get hate mail from Sister Victorine, our sixth grade teacher, but that's another story.

The nation's Roman Catholic bishops vowed to forcefully confront the Obama administration over its support for abortion rights, saying the church and religious freedom could be under attack in the new presidential administration. "You can forget about your jobs, and your houses, and your 401(k)s," Archbishop Joseph Naumann of the Diocese of Kansas City in Kansas said. "This Obama guy thinks women have a right to their own bodies. Well, their bodies, OK but the church owns your uterus, that's right in the bible."

In an impassioned discussion on Catholics in public life, several bishops said they would accept no compromise on abortion policy. Many condemned Catholics who had argued it was morally acceptable to back President-elect Obama because he pledged to reduce abortion rates. "Catholics who vote their pocketbooks are just not really catholics," Bishop Joseph Martino of Scranton, Pennsylvania. "Besides, I'm pretty sure we own your pocketbooks too."

Several prelates promised to call out Catholic policy makers on their failures to follow church teaching. "I cannot have a vice president-elect coming to Scranton to say he's learned his values there when those values are utterly against the teachings of the Catholic Church," Martino said. "Because you know it's always about me. Really. I'm a bishop."

The Obama-Biden press office did not immediately respond to a request for comment. "We just finished a whole campaign dealing with wingnuts and cement heads," said the person answering the phone who refused to be identified. "We're taking some time off."

Archbishop Naumann said politicians "can't check your principles at the door of the legislature. If anything the last eight years have proven that. Oh wait. Bad example."

Naumann has said repeatedly that Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius, a Catholic Democrat who supports abortion rights, should stop taking Holy Communion until she changes her stance. "They cannot call themselves Catholic when they violate such a core belief as doing what I say," Naumann said. "Plus she's a woman. Where do they get these ideas? The nuns don't treat me this way."

Chicago Cardinal Francis George, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, is preparing a statement during the bishops' fall meeting that will press Obama on abortion. The bishops suggested that the final document include the message that "aggressively pro-abortion policies" would be viewed "as an attack on the church."

"Those little zygotes are going to grow up to be tithers some day," Naumann said. "Don't mess with our P/L sheet."

Along with their theological opposition to the procedure, church leaders say they worry that any expansion in abortion rights could require Catholic hospitals to perform abortions or lose federal funding. Auxiliary Bishop Thomas Paprocki of Chicago said the hospitals would close rather than comply. "Got cancer? Too bad. Trying to earn a living by working at the hospital? Who cares? We're all about the blastocysts," Paprocki added.

According to exit polls, 54 percent of Catholics chose Obama, who is Protestant. The new bishops' statement is meant to drive home the point in a way that cannot be misconstrued. "We have a very important thing to say. I think we should say it clearly and with a punch," said New York Cardinal Edward Egan. "And that is, LISTEN TO US. WE ARE NOT IRRELEVANT!!!"

But some bishops said church leaders should take care with the tone of the statement. "We must act and be perceived as acting as caring pastors and faithful teachers," said Bishop Blase Cupich of Rapid City, S.D.

"Oh pulllease," Naumann said. "I bet he's one of those 'guitar mass' priests. Man up Blase. Preach like you got a pair."

Dr. Patrick Whelan, a pediatrician and president of Catholic Democrats, said angry statements from church leaders were counterproductive and would only alienate Catholics. "We're calling on the bishops to move away from the more vicious language," Whelan said. He said the church needs to act "in a more creative, constructive way," to maintain current levels of contributions.

"Hey Whelan. One prayer from me and you're spending eternity in a fiery lake. What do you think of that?" Martino asked.

Chris Korzen, Catholics United executive director, said, "we honestly want to move past the deadlock" on abortion. He said church leaders were making that task harder.

"No church for you!" Cardinal Egan shouted. "Come back one year!"

This Is Important

Hey, today is Veteran's Day. The Real Veteran's Day. Forget the mall and the crapmeisters who want you to think you support the veterans by getting ten percent off a piece of crap you don't really need. Go read this. Read it all, including the links. Then go find a veteran, thank them, and promise them you'll stay on your elected representatives until the disgrace that passed for supporting the troops during the Bush administration is only a bad memory.

Then keep that promise.

Update: Most of the time we think our commentors are crazier than we are, (Hey, they read this blog don't they? Case closed) or maybe they just drink a cheaper vodka. Anyway, every once in a while a comment comes through that restores our faith. We're pulling one of those comments up now to share with you:

Twenty-five years ago, I remember a Vet from Vietnam who came to our door "selling magazines." He also walked with a very bad limp.
We had just moved there. We were waiting for our new checks and I had just spent all the cash I had on hand on gas and groceries. I said : "Please come back."
Well, the next morning, he came back, and once again, I was horrified I had zero to subscribe immediately.(I thought he'd come back later in the P.M. or week!)
I then asked him to come back when my husband would be there in 24 hours (Sat.) and the checks or cash, would be there and we would certainly subscribe to at least two magazines. (where were all the other neighbors?)
Sure enough, that man returned, limping up the driveway, with all his magazine subscriptions. My husband met him halfway down the drive and asked him in for a drink and talk.
He told us a few unbelievable tales and of course, he was emotionally damaged. We ended up subscribing to three and boy, did we feel impotent.
I told my Uncle who had lost his am in WW11 about this fellow and he shook his head. (he was a lawyer) His arm had been blown off by a grenade when he grabbed it off the ground to throw back at "the enemy". He then wrote my son, age 10 at the time, (now also a lawyer) that war was something to avoid at all costs, particularly if you can work out your problems with thought and economics and heart.
So, when I saw Obama ,who obviously feels that intelligence can sometimes over-ride "the bomb", I had to think of this Vet and my Uncle. Too many harmed and at what cost and by the way, does it make a difference?
There can be no more "Ugly Americans" or "Americans" , period, who cannot look into the eyes of those who suffered for them, let alone, who refuse or ignore their pleads for help.
Should wars be absolutely the final case, let us make certain we not only provide the best protective weapons and uniforms and intelligence, but we also take very good care of the returning Vets, be it a brain injury, amputation or PTS.

Friday Hound Blogging

So, you think McCain and Palin are depressed today? Ha. Try being George Carney.

No more greyhound racing in Massachusetts. Voters Tuesday approved a ban on greyhound racing in the state -- eight years after a similar ballot question was defeated. The state's two greyhound tracks will now have to end dog racing by January 1 of 2010.The ban was approved with about 56 percent of the vote, to 44 percent opposed. "OK all you do gooders," Carney said. "You gonna pay my bills now? What am I supposed to do? I got no skills."

Turns out Mr. Carney isn't the only one concerned.

“I am very disappointed at how this turned out. It disturbs me,” said Fire Chief James T. Januse. “That dog track put a lot of kids through school and college. And a lot of them went to college and still went back to work there.

When asked why someone with a college education would work at a dog track Januse said," I didn't say they graduated. I just said they went there for a week or two."

The chief said he expects budget cuts when the ban goes into effect. “The town will lose about $400,000 in revenue, which is huge in a town this size,” he said. "And you know, once the track closes there isn't going to be another development there or anything. No other businesses will take advantage of the location or the market around here because once it's a dog track it can't be anything else. Just ask the people in Delvan."

“People in Raynham are going to find their taxes increased. They are losing a source of revenue, and it will never come back, just like in Kaukauna." Ronnie Zusman 20-year Raynham resident said.

Well, if worse comes to worst you can always move to Tucson. Oops. Guess not.

South Tucson voters approved an initiative Tuesday night to regulate the care and handling of dogs. South Tucson voters backed the Tucson Dog Protection Initiative 402 to 373. The initiative applies to all dogs, but targets those at Tucson Greyhound Park. "How are we supposed to make a living if we have to spend money on the dogs," said one track representative who asked not to be identified.

Hmmm...seems your elections were about hope too, huh Remy?

Remy is affectionate and loving. He follows you around and puts his head on your lap. Remy needs a family that has someone that is at home most of the day and he would do best with another dog in the home. He would do well with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He can be vocal when left alone, so would do best in a single family home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wait 'Till Recess 'Cause You're Goin' Down

OK, so yesterday we felt the need to reach out to those of our fellow Americans who, for some reason or another have become convinced that the world inside their heads is the one we all see. Here in the marbled halls of IM Central, we truly believe that there isn't enough Thorazine in the country to ease these people out of the delusional pit they've dug for themselves these last eight years and we felt it was our duty to at least attempt to keep them from hurting themselves.

Turns out our entreaties fell on deaf ears because they were all busy kicking each other in the shins.

The new issue of Newsweek will hit the stands Thursday with an epic 50,000-word insider history of the campaign. The piece was written by a “special team that gets exclusive access on the agreement to publish only after the election.” Among the highlights: it seems there was much more to the McCain-Palin soap opera than was publicly revealed. For example, remember that $150,000 spending spree that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin supposedly had nothing to do with? Well, according to Newsweek, it was indeed of Palin’s doing, and it was far more costly than initially reported.

Did you hear what Tiffany said about Amber in the lunch room yesterday? Megan told me she heard it from Kacey.

Palin asked to speak along with McCain at his Arizona concession speech Tuesday night, but campaign strategist Steve Schmidt vetoed the request.

Oh, snap! Sarah was all like "I get to talk too" and Steve was all like "Step off biotch." Totally. It was awesome.

One day after conceding the presidential election to Senator Barack Obama, John McCain and Sarah Palin have gone their separate ways. Palin left the Arizona Biltmore hotel Wednesday afternoon in a motorcade stretching more than a dozen vehicles, flanked by a dozen more cops on motorcycles. She was joined by some 18 family members and friends who had made the trip from Alaska to Phoenix to watch Election Night returns. John McCain drove himself in his own gold Toyota Sequoia SUV.

Oh no she dinnit!

The separate departures seemed a striking metaphor for the two who together sought the White House: one the party elder, not expected to run for president again, back on his own after the pomp and circumstance died down; the other a rising star in the Republican party, whose political celebrity is now nearly as big as the president-elect’s.

We're sorry, what?

Palin said she plans to stay on the national scene by pushing the new Obama administration on energy policy – the issue she focused the most confusion and inanities on during her two months on the national campaign trail. "It's freakin' cold up here, you betcha," the governor told reporters. "We need energy. Plus that's why I had to have all those clothes 'cause you know Obama's going to be sending all our gas to his homies so they can drive all their big cars down to the welfare center."

While she had often served as the attack dog on the campaign trail, Palin expressed pride in the election of Obama as the first African-American president. "It goes to show ya how far this country's come when a fat old rich white guy can screw up his campaign so bad that he gets beat by a brother," she said.

"Plus, it’s been an honor and I feel like it’s just been such a blessing to have the opportunity to represent women who mostly ignored me and voted for Obama," she added.

Palin declined to engage in any criticism of her campaign, saying the experience had been "entirely positive and refreshing and energizing. Especially those rallies where I got people to threaten to kill President Obama. Now that's my kind of democracy."

"Just absolutely no time for the pettiness. And that’s kinda just the way I’m wired. I don’t have time for that," Palin said when asked about post-election finger-pointing."Besides, I'm writin' a book. Well, soon as I get me one of those word processor thingy's. And someone who can write."

"And God bless Barack Obama and his beautiful family and the new administration coming in. It is time that we all pulled together and worked together and America’s going to reach her destiny. And by destiny, how does Palin/Wurzelbacher 2012 sound?"

Like fingernails on a blackboard.

Magnanimity

Our old daddy taught us that it's just as important to be a good winner as a good loser, so we would like to say to those of you who voted for John McCain and Sarah Palin because you were afraid of the terrorists, afraid of taxes and community organizers, afraid of illegal immigrants in your back yard, socialists dating your daughter, gay people pouncing on you unawares, and just generally afraid of anyone with a different hue, don't worry.

We will protect you.

You may return to your gated communities, your megachurches and your exclusive clubs where you can watch your Fox News on the tee vee and listen to your Rush Limbaugh on the radio. You can go back to speaking to each other in tongues, shooting your guns, complaining about Hollywood, looking for communists at the local PTA, blaming the Jews, visiting creation museums, trying to ban books and just generally being resentful of whatever, or whomever you choose.

We'll take it from here.

Things To Do today

Holy street surfing Jebus on an Alien Workshop Spectrum Silver!!! eleventy!!1! We have never seen that many people lined up at our local polling place. And most of them were sober too!!

We should point out that IM Central is located in a rather rural portion of our state and it isn't unusual for us to show up to vote only to be greeted by Lester the local drunk who lives in back of the hall and Newlie, Tigger and Scat the three cats owned by the township clerk.

But today the line was out the door, across the parking lot and down to the street. Lester thought there was some sort of party going on and he was working the line for cash to make a liquor store run. We were tempted but demurred, having stashed election night levels of Stoli in the freezer before leaving home.

So, we have dome our patriotic duty today, and as the boss is not in the office plan to do nothing else. We invite you to do the same, starting with that voting thing. Need some motivation:



Update: Obama wins Dixville Notch NH 15 to 6. Roll on sweet chocolate thunder, roll on.

In Which Ironicus Phones It In

Silly us. Just a few short days ago we were thinking of folding this blog up and leaving the adults to watch over the tattered landscape post Bush. There is a good chance people who actually can tell the difference between their elbow and a hole in the ground will be in charge of overseeing America's final descent into irrelevancy.

Not that we're cynical or anything, we just figure when Bush leaves the White House and the new residents come in, they're going to want to put down new carpet, and when they pull up the old and see all the stuff George shoved under there in the last eight years it's going to make Sean Hannity think about joining the democratic party.

Seriously. It will be that bad. Really.

Want a preview? Check it:

Goldman Sachs is on course to pay its top City bankers multimillion-dollar bonuses - despite asking the U.S. government for an emergency bail-out. As Washington pours money into the bank, the cash will immediately be channelled to Goldman's already well-heeled employees.

Yeah, you read that right. The money that was so desperately needed to keep banks like Goldman Sachs alive because they were "too big to fail" is really to keep the people who got us into this mess firmly ensconced in the Hamptons.

If you need us, we'll be looking at the real estate section of the Belize Times.