Been This Way Since He Fell Off The Train Tres-Heaven

We're coming to you today from the Department of Unintended Consequences here in the marbled halls of IM Central. DoUC is a division of the Didn't Think That Through Corporation in partnership with Hooked On Phonics, Inc.

In this friendly little ranching town, "hello" is wearing out its welcome. And Leonso Canales Jr. is happy as heck. At his urging, the Kleberg County commissioners unanimously designated "heaven-o" as the county's official greeting. The reason: "hello" contains the word "hell."

In a related story, Mrs. Eustace Claiborne of Needham Rd was hospitalized in fair condition with minor burns and smoke inhalation after the Kleberg County Volunteer Fire Department was slow in responding to a blaze at her home. "She kept yelling 'heaven-p! heaven-p!'" said Chief Randy Slocum. "We thought it was some kind of crank call."

"When you go to school and church, they tell you 'hell' is negative and 'heaven' is positive,'" said the 56-year-old Canales, who owns the Kingsville Flea Market. "I think it's time that we set a new precedent, to tell our kids that we are positive adults."

Not all adults are convinced however. Mrs. Helen Wilcox, owner of Helen's Grill and Bar on Fox Road said she would not be changing the name of her business to Heaven-en's Grill and Bar. "Leo's a nice guy and all," she said. "I've known him since we were in third grade. He's just a sandwich or two shy of a picnic basket if you take my meaning."

Madolyn Musick, who runs a bookstore, insisted, and linguists would agree, that "hello" has nothing to do with "hell." Besides, she added, "What's wrong with, 'Howdy, y'all?'" Lester Milham, owner of Lester's Flight School agrees. "How many students am I going to attract by advertising Heaven-ocopter lessons?" he asked.

Courthouse employees were answering the phones, "heaven-o." And the chamber of commerce was working on a campaign promoting Kingsville, a Rio Grande Valley town of 25,000, as a "heavenly" place to visit. "People seem to think that it might catch on," said county Judge Pete De La Garza. "Course, we thought the same thing about the Fried Cauliflower Festival and that really didn't attract too many folks either."

Canales, a Catholic but not a regular churchgoer, has been as serious as heck about "hello" since 1988, when he suffered a closed head injury. He told his brother he might start greeting people with "God-o." His brother suggested "heaven-o" instead. "I was drunk at the time," Canales' brother admitted. "I really should have just kept my mouth shut. Leo's pretty impressionable since the accident. After we took him to see Toy Story he wanted to replace hello with "To Infinity and Beyond."

Does Spelling Count?

Time once again to look in on that whacky crew of rascals, the republican presidential wannabes and see what hi jinks they're involved in this week. You may remember, when last we visited crazy town, Sarah "In what way, Charlie" Palin was explaining to the gathered masses the path along which the party of Lincoln must travel if it is to once again stink up the corridors of power...er...we mean take a dump on participatory democracy...no...sail the ship of state smartly into the bay of incompetence...ah heck, let's let governor glamorous tell it:

"And there was that media slant this go round," she said. "And unless things change, the GOP had really better can stand together, 'cause we got that on the battlefield also. I call it like I see it and like I lived it on the campaign trail. Not complaining, but dealing with reality."

Couldn't have put it more clearly ourselves. Well, not after an evening of heaving drinking anyway. And maybe some recreational pharmaceuticals. But look over there. Mitt Romney's having an essay contest!

Now, as card carrying members of the educorporate complex with a special interest in language issues, essay contests always attract our attention. We mean, what could be better as a teaching tool? It's got all the positives with none of the negatives! Meaningless topic that has little or no connection to students' lives? Check. Vaguely worded standards and anonymous judges? Check. Competition with nameless, faceless others? Check. Could you ask for a better pedagogical situation? We don't think so. Oh, and cash!

Our pencils are a quiver with anticipation. What's the topic?

This movement isn't about my dad or any one candidate that we're supporting, however. It's about you. And we want to hear what these ideals mean to you. That’s why today I’m announcing a mini-essay contest. A 250-words-or-less answer to the question "What does a free and strong America mean to you?"

Umm...you guys moving to Australia? Hmm...245 words to go. OK, motivate us. What's the prize?

The best submission will receive an all-expense paid trip for 2 to join me in the Romney family seats at Fenway Park for a Red Sox game.

Uh oh. We're not so sure we like the idea of Mitt arranging our transportation. Maybe we'll settle for second place. What do the runners up get?

And four runner-ups will receive a baseball personally autographed by my dad.

Yeah. Ah, that's sort of like having Ted Williams autograph your copy of The Great Gatsby, but what the heck, we'll take a shot. What do we do first?

Contribute at least $50 to my dad's PAC

That's a bit steep dude. What are you doing? Trying to recoup some of your inheritance?

And If you Run Out Of Wine, Try A Strawberry Margarita

You know, a lot of people recently have been all up in the church's grill saying they're like, out of sync with the world, behind the times and just generally whack. We're talking about people like Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, Dick Cheney...

Wait, what?

Yeah, Dick Cheney.

That's uh...that's a little disturbing, what with Cheney being the devil's spawn and all. We may have to rethink this whole post. Please enjoy this musical interlude while we visit the Stoli cabinet:

OK, here's what we came up with. This is sort of like choosing up sides for baseball when you were a little. There's always one kid who's pretty much a klutz and no one wants, but when it gets down to it, you gotta have a right fielder so, you take him. Well, imagine that kid had to go home for an asthma treatment and that left Cheney.

Well, you come up with something better then, we're getting back to our story.

To recap: People say church bites. We say, not so fast there, pilgrim. A while back we told you about the new Prayer by Pay Pal service offered by the Church of AT&T. This is cutting edge stuff. As the brochure says,

Information Age Prayer is a subscription service utilizing a computer with text-to-speech capability to incant your prayers each day. It gives you the satisfaction of knowing that your prayers will always be said even if you wake up late, or forget. We use state of the art text to speech synthesizers to voice each prayer at a volume and speed equivalent to typical person praying. Each prayer is voiced individually, with the name of the subscriber displayed on screen.

Yeah. Who among us hasn't woken up late, or forgot god is sitting by the phone waiting for our call? Happens to us all the time. Well, with Pay Pal Prayer, god doesn't have to worry about making his tee time because your request to win the lotto, or have him get his smite on will arrive on time, every time.

Top that Allah.

Still not convinced? How about free home delivery of communion?

Yes, that's right worshipers. Big game this Sunday? Stay out too late Saturday? Whatever the reason, you never have to miss mass again because mass will come to you. We're not talking about just tuning to the public access channel while you search for your pants either, we're talking about the whole enchilada:

Archbishop Jonathan Blake, a former Anglican priest who is now a bishop of the Open Episcopal Church, has hit on a neat solution to the problem of worshipers who cannot get to his Eucharists. He consecrates the host, then pops it in the post to allow members of the public to say their own "Masses."

And that's not all! Act now and receive 10 pre-consecrated hosts for the low low price of $16.17! That's a savings of over $13 off the single host price! Whole wheat hosts available upon request. Offer void where prohibited, all taxes apply, celebrants must supply their own wine.

Once the host arrives, there's no need to construct a tabernacle: "People can carry a Host with them on a neck chain or in a specially adapted wallet for emergencies or just to have that sense that Jesus is with them throughout the day."

Oh, we have so got to have one of those specially adapted wallets for emergencies.

Friday Hound Blogging

And now for something completely different. Instead of featuring a single homeless hound this week, we here in the marbled halls of IM Central would like to direct your attention to a whole class of needy needle noses, namely seniors.

A lot of seniors are females, like Grayce, who after they help the overlords make a few trailer payments are returned to the farms as breeding stock. When the overlords think they've pretty much gotten all they can from the dog, to show their gratitude they unceremoniously drop them without as much, as they say, as a how dee do. Sort of like if you worked at the same company for your whole career and at your retirement party, instead of a gold watch your boss kicks you in the butt and slams the door in your face kind of gratitude.

Oh, and no pension.

Some of the males are returned to the farms to act as studs too, so it isn't just the girls who get to go back to that palatial living that marked their early years. Of course since their job now is to be a sperm donor, even the modicum of attention they got in the racing kennel is reduced, so we might describe life on the farm as somewhat less than stimulating vis-a-vis having anyone pay attention to you. Still, greyhounds being the breed they are, they keep a good humor and when they finally do get a chance to go to a place where they are actually cared for, they can be very appreciative, like Batman.

Because the overlords don't care what the dogs look like as long as they run fast enough to convince the rubes to drop two bucks on them, they don't suffer from some of the inbred ailments other pure breed dogs have, like hip displasia or choroidal hypoplasia, or some other such inherited disease. That means that a racing greyhound, once he or she has escaped the benevolent protection of his or her overlord can live to 12 years or beyond in good health, like Bugsy.

Then there is a category of dogs that have been in homes, but because of the economy, their owners can no longer care for them. It is a truly sad situation when a dog that has been part of a family for years has to be given up. Unlike the overlords, people who adopt greyhounds tend to see them as more than a means to an end and losing them is like losing a member of the family. Well, it is losing a member of the family. That's what happened to Merlin.

Seniors that come into the adoption system face an added challenge because most people looking to adopt are looking for a younger dog. Being a senior...er...seasoned citizen though has its advantages. These dogs are usually calmer than the youngsters, and if they're coming from a previous home, they're acclimated to pet life. One drawback though is that the seniors tend to take a little bigger piece of your heart right away. Well, "drawback" might not be the right word, and it's not like you have a choice anyway. We mean, come on. Look at that face. You really think you can hold something back? What are you? A republican?

Allow us to elucidate. Roland G. Hound III, Gent., aka Rollie came to the marbled halls when he was a little over a year old, having washed out of race school and manifesting no traits that the overlords wanted to reproduce in any other unit. Mrs. IM thought he may have suffered from a doggy version of ADD because he was constantly into things, most of which had nothing to do with his responsibilities as a pet. In fact, for the first two years we had him everyone thought his name was No No, Bad Dog.

Through all this Rollie remained blissfully unconcerned with appellations, or limits and spent his days appreciating the bouquet of scents left by passers by, or in wholehearted pursuit of whatever caught his eye. This caused no end of consternation amongst the rabbit and squirrel populations, but over the years a kind of uneasy truce developed. Well, actually what happened was they just learned to stay out of the yard. For his part, Rollie never did sign the treaty.

Then about three years ago, Rollie was diagnosed with Wobbler's Syndrome, and had to have back surgery. This slowed him down somewhat and it was shortly after that he discovered the joys of lying in the grass on a bright summer day and watching the world go by. Oh, it wasn't that he couldn't still spread chaos around like hats at a hair club for men meeting, it's just that he realized he had built up The Rep and didn't have to work so hard at it anymore. He had crazy dog street cred, if you know what we mean.

So Rollie went into kick back mode. His biggest decisions were whether to lie in the sun, or the shade, and which of his humans to send for a treat when the mood struck him. Life was good. But life is also short, which brings us to the point of this little tale. Tuesday, at the ripe old age of 15, amongst family and friends, Rollie peacefully passed away.

Roland G. Hound III, Gent. aka Rollie
1994 - 2009

A Nation Of Laws, Not Of...Uh...Laws

We interrupt this blog for a very important message from Bill Salier, of Everyday America

Elected officials must be willing to confront the judicial branch, as well as ignore decisions they disagree with. If they are not willing to do so, they should be replaced with people who are.

Excellent advice, Mr. Salier. We never liked those speed limit laws anyway. And tax law? fugidabudit1 But what about people who are afraid to embrace anarchy? What do you have to say to them?

“So what if the court comes up and says ‘Uh uh.’ That’s all they can do. They don’t have any authority in this matter. They don’t have the guns, they don’t have the money. The statehouse and the governor control the law. We control them.”

Alleluia Mr. S, you have set us free. What's a funky old judge going to do anyway, sitting up there on his funky behind in his funky courtroom, huh? Dude probably isn't even packing. You the man, Mr. S. Don't like a law? Don't obey it! What's a judge going to do? Send you to your room?

Hey, where'd all those SWAT guys come from?

We'd Consider Them If They Weren't The "Marx" Brothers

We're coming to you today from the Department of Dreams Deferred here in the marbled halls of IM Central. DD is a division of the Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder Company in partnership with Come Back Shane, LLC.

It seems the republicans, eternal optimists that they are, believe they're going to win another election in our lifetimes, and are having a bit of a dilemma trying to decide what candidates to put forward. As our old daddy used to say, this is a bit like building a garage for your Mercedes Benz before you learn how to drive, but hey, America is all about hope right? Except hope is what they'll be running against, so let's get on with the story.

A new national poll of Republicans suggests that there's no clear white person at this extremely early moment in the next race for the White House. Like free medication day at the local psychiatric clinic, three potential candidates are fighting for first place in line according to a CNN/Opinion Research Corporation survey. "Well, it's three if you only count them and not the voices in their heads," said a CNN representative.

That would be Larry, Moe and Curly, right?

The survey suggests that 22 percent of Republicans able to count higher than the number of their fingers and toes would most likely support former Arkansas governor and former GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee for their party's presidential nomination in 2012.

Hmm...he's Larry we'd bet.

Twenty-one percent say they would most likely back Alaska governor and 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin because they saw that fake picture of her in a bikini and thought, there's the next leader of the free world.

Oh, Curly for sure.

An equal number support former Massachusetts governor, former White House hopeful and former whatever else you'd like him to be, Mitt Romney.

Now there's a Moe if we ever saw one.

The poll indicates that 13 percent of Republicans not in mental health institutions would back former House Speaker Newt Gingrich in 2012, with 6 percent supporting former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush because they confuse him with his brother. Ten percent of those questioned say they would most likely back someone else.

Someone else? Who's left, Abbot and Costello? Wait, we know: Pee Wee Herman. He's got the perv wing of the party locked up.

"Republicans typically nominate someone off probation who's run for president before, such as Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bob Dole, and John McCain. But since the party appears to be in trouble right, Republicans might want to do what Democrats typically do, and look for someone with an IQ greater than a field mouse," says CNN Senior Political Analyst Bill Schneider.

Oh Pee Wee, it's looking better and better.

The poll's release comes on the same day that Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he won't run next year for a third term. Pawlenty's decision to avoid a potentially difficult re-election bid in 2010 is seen by some political analysts as the first step in a possible presidential run in 2012.

Oh right, like he has a chance. He's never even been arrested and the Minneapolis airport is right down the street.

The poll's release also comes as Romney's recent schedule gives the impression of a man intent on wasting his children's inheritance again. Asked about a bid in 2012, Romney told Fox News that "I'm not going to close that door" — although, he added, "I'm not going to walk through it either."

So, on the issue of running for president, you are for it, except when you aren't. Well, at least you're consistent.

Maybe It Doesn't Count If You're A Girl

OK so Tom Tancredo and Pat Buchanan called Judge Sotomayor a racist and apparently they should know, having a convicted racist working for them and all, but here's our question: If a racist calls another racist a racist, isn't that like a racist compliment?

Um...does this mean Tancredo and Buchanan really support Judge Sotomayor because they think she's a racist like them? We're confused.

And A Playa To Be Named Later

Frequent readers of this blog know that the future is a big seagull about to poop on your shoulder...erm...we mean, know that we spent our formative years under the wise if somewhat inebriated tutelage of the church catholic, or more specifically the brothers christian. And as a result we don't have much good to say about our brothers and sisters in Christ, or in this case in Miami, except to bemoan the fact that no one explained to us that we could have put in for a transfer rather than subject ourselves to one more guilt trip from Sister Victorine because we didn't make our sales quota of plastic virgin Marys for the dashboard.

Father Alberto Cutie, an internationally known catholic priest who admitted having a romantic affair and breaking his vow of celibacy, is joining the Episcopal Church to be with the woman he loves.

Cutie? Father Cutie? Come on. You really expect us to buy that?

(it's pronounced koo-tee-AY).

Yeah, as in boot tee AY? Right padre? Come on now. Be honest. Just can't keep from giving the big sacrament to the koo tee ays in the parish now can you, you old cornu canis you!

"I will always love the catholic church and all its members," he said at a news conference. "Well, that was part of my problem, trying to love all the members of the catholic church. I have needs, you know? Plus I'm straight so it's not like they can just send me to another diocese."

John C. Favalora, archbishop of the Catholic Church's Miami archdiocese, where Cutie served, said he was "deeply disappointed" by the news. "There aren't that many heteros left," he said. "We'd like to hang on to those we have."

The Cuban-American priest admitted having a two-year relationship with the woman, a long-time friend. She has not been publicly identified. "This is something I've struggled with," he said this month. "I don't support getting caught in the breaking of the celibacy promise. "

Of his relationship with the woman, he said, "Through the photos, it looked like a frivolous thing on the beach, you know, and that's not what it is. It's something deeper than that."

Um...padre? We don't think that's what your bosses want to hear.

"Father Cutie's actions have caused grave scandal within the Catholic Church, harmed the Archdiocese of Miami -- especially our priests -- and led to division within the ecumenical community and the community at large," Favalora said in a written statement. "Today's announcement only deepens those wounds."

Well, it's certainly getting "deep" around here.

"Father Cutie is still bound by his promise to live a celibate life, which he freely embraced at ordination," Favalora said. "Only the Holy Father can release him from that obligation."

"Yeah, like that's been a problem for me so far," Cutie responded.

The Episcopal Diocese of Southeast Florida said Cutie will deliver a sermon Sunday at a church that diocese leaders are looking to restore: the Church of the String Bikini in Biscayne Park. Cutie will be a part of this effort to revitalize this church and others, the diocese said.

Oh. So that's what the ecumenicals are calling it these days.

Favalora also had harsh words for the Episcopal church's decision to accept Cutie. "This truly is a serious setback for ecumenical relations and cooperation between us," he said.

Calm down father. Episcopals aren't really in a church, remember?

Friday Hound Blogging

These last few weeks we've been reporting to you on the overlords in Massachusetts and their heroic attempt to remain free of the job market. The results have been less than hoped for, and last week the state senate seemed to put the final kibosh on the whole affair. As you might imagine, this has upset the animal exploitation crowd no end.

Selectmen voiced disappointment about the state Senate’s vote against a proposal to extend dog racing for two years and install slot machines at the state’s four racetracks. “The Senate decided not to bail out a bunch of losers,” said Selectwoman Marie Smith. “And I don’t know where we’re going on this. Well, actually I do know where we're going on this, Walmart Greeter school."

We suggest cross training, as in "Welcome to Walmart, would you like fries with that?" In the current job market, flexibility is the key to success.

However, as the overlords' future becomes more clear, things are getting more cloudy for the dogs. As residents of the kennels at the tracks, they relied upon the expertise, commitment and devotion of those responsible for their care. Because each dog represents such a large investment of time, money and training the overlords maintain the highest standards when it comes to their care and it's not just anybody who can step in and carry on the top flight level of obligation the dogs require, right inspector Tommy Sanchez?

State inspectors at Tucson Greyhound Park discovered a little problem. It seems that Kennel No. 1, recently home to 58 dogs, was a filthy mess. A smattering of dog diarrhea—affectionately known as "blowout" in the business—covered one wall. A bucket of putrid water sat next to cages. Dog crap was abundant. Or to quote the Arizona Department of Racing Report, inspectors found: Black water in a bucket with a foul odor; Filth-splattered walls; Urine, blood and fecal stains on floors and walls; Spoiled food on the floor; Dog fur and other debris in the dog crates; Filthy conditions in the concrete area next to the dog-turnout pens.

"We treat these dogs like rock stars," said track manager Tom Taylor. "And you know how rock stars like to trash their hotel rooms. Heh heh. That's a joke. I'm trying humor to lighten the situation. How's it working?"

Don't know. Let's ask Mr. Sanchez:

They fetched a camera and returned "to take pictures of the filthy conditions," Sanchez said. "When we arrived to the rear of the kennel, our shoes and pants were completely covered in fleas up to our knees, and they were still climbing. "We quickly exited the kennel," he continued, "closed the door and worked desperately at removing the fleas from our clothing."

Doesn't look like stand up comedy is your forte, Mr. Taylor. What else you got?

Taylor has plenty of explanations for how this kennel at his park became so nasty. For one, he says, the kennel operator, a Mr. Randy Jordan, found himself low on cash. So the two men came to a mutual agreement that Jordan would vacate.

OK, blame the other guy. That has possibilities. What do you say Mr. Sanchez?

According to the state report, "Trainer Randy Jordan ... was removed from the kennel due to numerous violations."

Oops. Well, being low on cash could be a violation, right ADR Director Luis Marquez?

Jordan's record includes a batch of violations. They included greyhounds weighing more than their officially registered weight—which could skew betting odds. There were also "drug violations on animals that he was racing," Marquez says, which garnered the trainer a $250 fine.

Um...let's not quibble over the details, the point is with Jordan gone you can get in there and clean the place up, right Mr. Taylor?

So with Jordan gone, what happened next was apparently a lot of nothing. Or perhaps more of the same: Taylor contends that "the kennel operator ... moved out of that building, and we didn't go in there and clean it for two weeks. And the state went in and saw those conditions."

Ah. OK, well look, the dogs were gone and the place was empty so no harm no foul, right Mr. Marquez?

Marquez offers a slightly different take. "A situation like that," he says, "does not occur within two weeks."

Well, we're sure there's a rational explanation. Mr. Taylor?

According to Taylor, however, the dog quarters are normally spotless. "I mean, they clean those kennels three times a day," he says, adding that they're also routinely inspected. "The state does it twice a month, and we do it twice a month." To Taylor it all remains just a wild aberration. "Most of our kennels back there are extremely clean," he says. "I could eat off their floor."

Eww...Coprophagia. Well, everybody needs a hobby, right Ron?

Ron is very mellow and quiet in the house. He enjoys playing with a ball. He is a “collector” and gathers afghans, tote bags and socks and takes them to his crate. He gets lots of enjoyment looking at himself in the mirror. When he is sleeping, he growls, snarls and acts like he’s chasing the demons of hell, but if you nudge him he just wakes up and looks at you. Inside he is very mellow, but when he is outside, he really enjoys running and playing. Ron would do well in a working family home, with well-mannered children, 8 and older. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as the only dog in a home that had a family member home most of the time. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thank You For Calling IM Central. No One Is Available To Waste Your Time

Look, we're as happy to cut corners as the next guy because you, our underachieving reader(s) don't know how much behind the scenes work goes into the production of a blog post here in the marbled halls of IM Central.

OK we take that back. Almost no work goes into the production of a blog post here in the marbled halls of IM Central, but unless today is the first day you've stumbled across this blog after entering Donkey Sex into your search engine, you already knew that.

Still, any chance we can take to reduce our already minimal effort is welcome. Having said that though, we have to point out that recent statements from the dwindling number of non-institutionalized citizens unmedicated enough to call themselves republicans has made even that minuscule exertion superfluous.

Case in point, yesterday we told you about one Mark Krikorian who, after close analytical investigation of Judge Sotomayor's decisions decided she was not suitable because her name wasn't iambic enough.

We couldn't make something like that up even if we blogged sober.

Today, however even that highpoint of close exegesis was topped by "some Republicans" who "muse privately about whether Sotomayor is suggesting that distinctive Puerto Rican cuisine such as patitas de cerdo con garbanzo — pigs’ feet with chickpeas — would somehow, in some small way influence her verdicts from the bench."

They neglected to speculate on the relationship between Judge Thomas' rulings, fried chicken and watermelon.

Oh, but we're not done yet. Enter perpetual republican papa daddy Newt Beg Me To Run Gingrich who, while visiting the Holocaust memorial at Auschwitz suddenly realized that Judge Sotomayor was in fact a racist because she had pointed out that Hispanic women are different from white men. Yes, this is the same Newt who, in his spare time, consults as an expert in bilingual issues and policy.

This devastating slip of the judge's no doubt bilingual tongue did not escape the notice of that other guiding republican light. We, of course are talking about the president of the republican party, and retired sportscaster, Rush Limbaugh who pointed out that not only was Sotomayor an obvious racist, she was also a bigot because, as everyone knows, she's a woman, and when a woman talks about a man...well...would the 1964 Civil Rights act had addressed the injustices visited on the heads of white guys in this country, particularly rich white guys. They're the last minority it's OK to discriminate against you know.

Now, we're figuring with guys like that out there running around, all we really need to do is throw a couple of links on the page and call it a day.

So what are Luke and Laura up to these days, anybody know?

You Want To Go Where Everybody Knows Your Name...

OK, we've come to the conclusion that republicans are strange little critters. Now, before we tell you why, allow us to say that most of the time we have no problem with people who prefer an alternative universe to the one most of us are stuck in, sans the Stoli transporter if you get our drift.

But either these people are drunk all the time, or they've undergone some sort of epic synapse fail. In either case, they're in the first class cabin on the bullet train to Cluelessville.

Case in point, the erstwhile senator from Minnesota, Norm Coleman.

"When debating judges, I was firm that I would use the same standard to evaluate judges under a Democrat President as I would a Republican President. Are they intellectually competent, do they have a record of integrity, and most importantly, are they committed to following the Constitution rather than creating new law and policy. When I am re-elected, I intend to review Judge Sotomayor's record using this process."

Um...Norm? That ship has sailed.

Well, on the bright side, despite Mr. Coleman's delusion, he's not in a position to critique Judge Sotomayor. That job will be given to brighter lights within the commentariat, right National Review Online's Mark Krikorian?

"Putting the emphasis on the final syllable of Sotomayor is unnatural in English... and insisting on an unnatural pronunciation is something we shouldn't be giving in to."

This is going to get interesting, in a bang your head against the wall sort of way.

Lou Dobbs Was Right

Sigh. Another American job lost to the Mexicans. Oh wait, she's Puerto Rican. Ah, who cares. They're all named Maria anyway.

Friday Hound Blogging

Well these are certainly tough times for the states and perhaps the overlords have a point when they say now is not the time to throw away a multi-billion dollar industry.

As lawmakers debate a proposal that would force Twin River to drop its plans to suspend live dog-racing, a 2004 state budget office report has resurfaced that disputes the greyhound owners’ recurring argument that that the loss of racing would cost the state millions and millions of video-slot dollars.

Well, there are millions and millions in a billion, right Governor Carcieri?

The debate that year centered on a different issue: Republican Governor Carcieri’s effort to end the state’s payment to the dog owners of upward of $10 million annually out of its own share of the video-slot play at what was then called Lincoln Park.

See, this is the problem with short sighted politicians. You take a vibrant industry like...wait a minute. Did he say the state subsidizes greyhound racing to the tune of 10 million?

Carcieri called it a state subsidy that primarily benefited out-of-state greyhound owners “living in places like Texas, Oklahoma and Kansas.”

OK, we're not economists, but if the state is already subsidizing the industry, how is shutting it down going to cost them more?

The dog owners — and their backers at the State House — called it a part of a fair-share plan. "They want their fair share of your tax money," said Sen. Frank Ciccone, a Providence Democrat who was dropped on his head as a child. "Look, it's not like they can work for a living," he said. "Why do you think they got into dog racing in the first place?"

But the governor ultimately prevailed. State lawmakers ended the taxpayer subsidy. "This is a sad day for animal exploitation in Rhode Island," Ciccone said.

Yeah. Well, buck up senator. As we saw yesterday, the good people of Massachusetts are fighting back against those who would take away their right to abuse animals for profit. Speak truth to power dog exploiters. You will not be denied your rights!

Senators also rejected by a 29-8 vote an amendment to delay a greyhound racing ban by two years until January 2012.

Oh. Um...well...You know if Walmart's hiring King?

King is a charmer who will do anything for a treat. He loves to play and has a roo that will put a smile on your face. King likes to shake hands…he leans forward and takes a Pointer stand. He likes to get the treats and will give a 2 hand shake. He also likes to speak. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. King would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 7 and up. He is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Frequent readers of this blog know that life is a teaspoon of happiness dropped in a sea of despair...er...we mean know that from time to time we dust off one of the few non-alcohol related traditions here in the marbled halls of IM Central and bring you, one again Hounds Home for the Holiday in which we try and use the upcoming festivities to find a few extra couches for a few extra hounds.

But first a word from the overlords. And that word is NOOOOOooooo!!!!

One day after Raynham residents voted overwhelmingly to postpone the ban on overlord welfare at Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park, the Raynham Board of Selectmen moved the measure ahead by voting to pass the buck to state lawmakers. Called a We Not Want petition, the local exemption from state law seeks a two-year delay on the Greyhound Protection Act until Jan. 1, 2012.

"See, most of the people who voted to protect the dogs don't work at the track, so we feel that in a democratic society, the will of the few outweigh the will of the many," said Mike Curran, owner of a kennel that "cares" for greyhounds at Raynham-Taunton Park.

Taunton Democrat Sen. Marc Pacheco submitted a bill to temporarily exempt the Raynham dog track from the November referendum that banned dog racing across the Commonwealth. Pacheco and state Rep. David Flynn, D-Bridgewater, also co-sponsored a “racino” bill to legalize slot machines at Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park, Wonderland, Suffolk Downs and Plainridge Racecourse. "Where else you gonna have the concentration of low pay no skill jobs like this," Pacheco said. "There aren't enough Walmarts in all New England to take these people if the tracks close."

Before the unanimous vote Monday night, Selectmen Joseph Pacheco said there has never been proof of cruelty to dogs at the town track.

Well, except for the proof that is.

"Hey, we got a poll too," Pacheco said.

Yeah, well, when the question is "Do you want greyhound racing to continue or do you want substance abusers with anger issues wandering around your neighborhood with nothing to do?" we're pretty sure the results will be somewhat skewed, right Duane?

Duane is very friendly, outgoing, playful and affectionate. He is a lover; he will lean against you and follow you around the house. He is very good natured and listens well. He likes toys. He is gentle and quiet, a real people dog. He is a great companion. He has a puppy-dog face that follows your every move. If it is raining, you need to push him out the door, because he doesn’t want to get wet. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Duane would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Republicans! Motto: We're Going To Steele The Next Election

We're coming to you today from the Mea Culpa Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Mea Culpa is a division of the What Do You Want From Me Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of A Guy Makes One Little Mistake, Inc.

The Republican Party is done with feeling sorry for itself and is ready to look ahead to future screw ups, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele said. "The era of apologizing for Republican mistakes of the past is now officially over," he declared. "We look forward to a whole new set of calamities to apologize for."

And about time, says us. Come on, Cheney is in jail, Bush has been exiled to Paraguay, Gingrich is doing community service teaching 10th grade history at a Harlem High School, and Boehner resigned and is now driving a cab in Milwaukee. How much more do you want these guys to suffer? Oh, and Fox Broadcasting lost its license.

Oops, wait. That's what would happen if there was a god.

"We are at a crucial juncture for our party, and more importantly for me," Steele said in remarks at the RNC Chairman's Luncheon in National Harbor, Md. "Simply put, America is beginning to crawl out of the massive hole our policies put it in over the last eight years. We need to stop that. It's time to get jiggy with it."

"The time to remain silent is over," he said. "Or, as the homies would say."

"Today we are declaring an end to the era of Republicans looking backward," he said. "We are the new look republican party now.

The party suffered defeats during two successive elections, he said, prompting some collective finger pointing to determine whom to blame and to acknowledge McCain and Palin.

The Republican Party will become the party of new ideas, the RNC leader said. First new idea: Guns in National Parks bitchez!!

During the coming months, Republicans will be "bold" in their approach, offering real solutions "aggressively and without apology," Steele said. "And to show how serious we are, I am announcing today the appointment of Michele Bachmann, Joe Barton and Mitch McConnell to a new republican policy committee. I'm calling it Betting On New Knowledge. Bachmann, Barton and McConnell will be the first B.O.N.K.ers, but I will shortly be appointing more people to the committee.

"Our Renaissance has begun. Our opportunities lie before us," he said. "And speaking of opportunities, my resume is available in the lobby."

Sixty Percent Of The Letters In Obama's Name Are Also In Abortion. Coincidence? We Think Not

You know, it occurs to us that during the campaign we never did figure out what religion President Obama was. In our defense we have to say it was pretty difficult what with him being a socialist, fascist, Muslim, communist terror lover and all. Oh, and the Antichrist.

Sort of muddies up the waters if you take our point. We do know one thing about Mr. Obama's religious preference though, he ain't no catholic. We know that because he went to Notre Dame, which is like the Las Vegas of popiness in this country, and said this:

Amid a scattering of angry protests over his support for abortion rights, President Obama addressed the issue head-on Sunday at the University of Notre Dame, calling for "open hearts, open minds, fair-minded words" in the pursuit of "common ground."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!! That's pretty funny Mr. President. Look, this is the catholic church here, the same church that says if you ain't a C-dog, you're church is whack and you're whack. The Benedicto says that pagan babies can't go to purgatory anymore to wait for an opening in heaven, except maybe they can if someone is willing to pay their rent and Muslims are the original G's.

"Open hearts, open minds, fair-minded words?" P shaw Mr. President. Who you think you're talking to, Quakers?

The invitation from one of America's best-known Catholic universities ignited a firestorm of discussion over whether an institution that adheres to the Roman Catholic Church's condemnation of abortion should confer an honorary law degree on a president who is committed to safeguarding abortion rights.

Right, because lord knows that last thing you want to do when abortion is legal is give someone a law degree because then he'll be all like, "let's uphold the law, dudes."

"Is it possible for us to join hands in common effort?" he said.

Umm...no.

"As citizens of a vibrant and varied democracy, how do we engage in vigorous debate? How does each of us remain firm in our principles, and fight for what we consider right, without demonizing those with just as strongly held convictions on the other side?"

Er...we don't.

The failure of both sides to use "fair-minded words," he said, overly inflames an important debate. As an example, he described his own 2004 campaign Web site, which at one point referred to "right-wing ideologues who want to take away a woman's right to choose. It was not until a doctor e-mailed him about the phrase that Obama ordered it taken down, he said."

Why, how incredibly open minded of you sir. How is that working out?

One protester yelled "Abortion is murder!" "Baby killer!" and "You have blood on your hands." Another shouted, "Stop killing our children."

Yes, well still a work in progress apparently.

"Remember, too, that the ultimate irony of faith is that it necessarily admits doubt," Obama said. "This doubt should not push us away from our faith. But it should humble us. It should temper our passions and cause us to be wary of too much self-righteousness."

OK, we're going to have to get back to you on that.

Friday Hound Blogging

Boy howdy, nothing kicks over the bee hive for the overlords faster than the threat of having to get a job. Last week we told you how the bus of reality had finally run over the owners of Twin River gambling parlor and greyhound track enough times that they had decided to get out of the animal exploitation business. And who could blame them? Every race they ran cost them and the state money, no one was coming to the track anyway, and even those few who did come didn't bet because they were basically homeless people wondering if there were any empty crates in the kennel. It was the only fiscally sound thing to do, right?

Wrong.

The RI Greyhound Owners Association (RIGOA) has requested a Department of Business Regulation (DBR) hearing to challenge Twin River’s decision to cancel its dog racing season after Aug. 8. In a letter hand delivered to DBR because he couldn't afford a stamp, attorney Joseph Cavanagh Jr. said RIGOA is “under contract with the owner of Twin River to conduct greyhound racing (and) will suffer immediate loss of trailer payments upon the suspension of racing.

“Greyhound racing,” the letter notes, “has a significant impact on the state of Rhode Island. Sure it's a negative impact, but is it our fault exploiting innocent animals isn't the draw it used to be?"

A written statement from RIGOA issued at the same time Cavanagh’s letter was released asserted that, “greyhound racing is integral in differentiating Twin River from neighboring casinos and tracks. The casinos are clean and well lighted and the other tracks are closed. Closing Twin Rivers will make us just like them. Well, except for the clean and well lighted part."

Wow. Contracts and differential integrals. Sounds like they might have a pretty strong case. We bet tension will be high when the hearing is finally held.

The Department of Business Regulation has denied a bid by the kennel owners at Twin River for a hearing on the looming suspension of live dog racing at the Lincoln track and slot parlor on Aug. 8.

The reason: Lack of the brains god gave a wood chip.

In a letter that went out on Friday, DBR Director A. Michael Marques advised the Rhode Island Greyhound Owners Association that 'you are ugly and nobody likes you."

Well, that's pretty clear. Man, the greyhound exploitation industry is really in bad shape. We can't imagine anyone who would be stupid enough to get involved in a business so ill thought of and so unprofitable, can you Stockton?

What's that you say, Dish Network?

Stockton is very large and playful, but he is a gentle giant with smaller children. He is very affectionate. He will follow you around the house. He is a big leaner and will wrap himself around you. He loves to play with toys. Stockton would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other larger dogs (no small dogs please), and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

See Also Barrel Scraping, Bottom Of

Frequent readers of this blog know acquiescing to one's fate is preferable, and more comfortable than perseverance in the face of adversity...er...we mean know that from time to time, in our own rather juvenile and disrespectful way we have documented the republicans' efforts to recreate themselves after the most recent series of unfortunate events and rise once again to that exalted level of mendacity, bigotry and demagoguery that they enjoyed before, you know, before they moved into the neighborhood.

Well, that was the old Ironicus Maximus. That was before the republicans unveiled their latest strategy for re-establishing the permanent republican majority--which would have totally happened if it hadn't been for that idiot McCain screwing up Palin's campaign.

Word.

Anyway, we're the new Ironicus Maximus now with new found respect and admiration for the strategists who developed the latest surefire campaign to bring the republican party back in to the mainstream of American politics:

Name calling.

A member of the Republican National Committee said that when the RNC meets in an extraordinary special session next week, it will approve a resolution rebranding Democrats as the “Democrat Socialist Party.”

Umm...what's that the kids say? Oh, Snap?

See, this is a brilliant strategy because, unlike the republicans, who've been the majority party these last eight years and always in the spotlight, the democrats have had it easy and no one has called them any names. This is going to be particularly devastating to the President because as a multi-racial person growing up with an absent father and a white mother in rather poor surroundings, we're sure he's never been called any names.

And not only that, it has the word "socialist" in it which is fifty eleven times worse than terrorist.

When asked if such a resolution would force RNC Chairman Michael Steele to use that label when talking about Democrats in all his speeches and press releases, the RNC member replied: “Who cares?”

OK, this is a problem. See, if you have a policy of calling the other guy names, but people on your side don't actually, you know, call the other guy names, then that's going to cut into the effectiveness of your strategy, comprendo?

Steele wrote a memo last month opposing the resolution. Steele said that while he believes Democrats “are indeed rubber,” he also said in a (rare) flash of insight that "officially after the last election the republicans have pretty much completely become glue.”

We see your dilemma, Chairman Steele.

Steele said that officially referring to them as the Democrat Socialist Party “will accomplish little than to give the media and our opponents the opportunity to mischaracterize Republicans.”

And by "mischaracterize" he means point and laugh.

Steele is not a popular chairman within the RNC, and his recent statements that appeared to attack Mitt Romney and the Republican base have undermined his popularity even further. In fact, close reading of the stall walls in several of the rest rooms at RNC headquarters reveal that Steele may in fact be less popular than poems about the flatulence versus defecation conundrum.

Rumor has it that if this doesn't work, republicans are going to hold their breaths until someone votes for them.

Blinded By The Science, Joe Once Again Mistakes Donut Holes for Protons

We're coming to you today from the Department of Bovine Flatulence Studies here in the marbled halls of IM Central. DBFS is a division of the Institute for the Advancement of Rice Production in Greenland in partnership with the US Department of Glacier Expansion.

Well known climate scientist Joe Barton has discovered a critical source of climate change that has gone unreported and undiscovered by his colleagues in Climate Science: marathons.

As if running a marathon isn’t taxing enough, runners now have to worry about whether their breathing would violate Obama administration pollution standards and close down the New York and Boston marathons, Rep. Joe Barton of Texas said.

Umm...how's that Joe?

Under Obama, the EPA has issued an endangerment finding saying that carbon dioxide is a hazard to public health.

Wow. That sounds serious. Let's go read what the EPA said:

In actuality, the USEPA proposed two findings: (1) an endangerment finding, that the six GHG endanger public health and welfare; and (2) a “cause and contribute finding” that the combined emissions of carbon dioxide, methane, nitrous oxide, and hydrofluorocarbons from new motor vehicles and motor vehicle engines contribute to the atmospheric concentrations of these key greenhouse gases and hence add to the threat of climate change.

Hey Joe, they're talking about cars and three other gasses, where's the part about marathons?

Barton says the average healthy adult exhales between four-tenths of a ton and seven-tenths of a ton of CO2 a year. “So if you put 20,000 marathoners into a confined area, you could consider that a single source of pollution, and you could regulate it,” Barton says.

Uh... Joe? You do know that a marathon is run outdoors don't you? Outdoors along a 26 mile course. Comes from that whole Marathon thing.

“Of course, they’ve not really given any explicit examples of harm, because they can’t,” Barton says. “There’s never been anybody who’s been treated in an emergency room for CO2 poisoning. It doesn’t cause asthma; it doesn’t cause your eyes to water; it doesn’t cause cancer.”

Does seem to cause dying though, which is probably why they don't run marathons in confined areas, don't you think Joe?

One indication that the EPA likely would consider 20,000 runners a single source of pollution is that the agency is trying to regulate waste-water runoff and emissions of drilling rigs in oil fields by attempting to define entire areas as a single source of pollution, Barton says. "You explain to me how someone can run 26 miles without hitting the head. There's your waste water and emissions right there."

“The United Nation Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change’s most definitive statement is that there’s 90 percent consensus that man-made CO2 is a probable cause of global warming,” Barton says. “That’s pretty weak.”

Erm... Joe. You do know that 100% means everybody, right? For comparison, only 27% of the people identify themselves as republicans, that means that 73% can tell their elbows from a hole in the ground.

“The Al Gores of the world say that the scientific debate’s all over,” Barton says, “Well, we never really had a scientific debate, number one. They jumped to a conclusion kind of ex post facto."

OK we're confused. Are you saying Al Gore is 90% of the world? We mean, come on, he has gained a little weight over the years, but we're pretty sure Rush still has him beat. And if jumping to a conclusion means making up your mind before you get the facts, and ex post facto means retroactive, are you saying Al Gore retroactively made up his mind before he jumped to a conclusion? How does one do that anyway?

Obama seems oblivious to the potential impact on the economy. “President Obama has never worked in a for-profit situation,” Barton says. “His support groups have tended not to be the business groups that really create the jobs."

Well yeah, except for these guys.

The EPA says carbon dioxide endangers the population because worldwide temperatures are going up, causing droughts, Barton says. While carbon dioxide concentrations in the atmosphere have gone from 250 parts per million to around 385 parts per million since the Industrial Revolution, and average global temperatures have increased, no one knows for sure whether man-made carbon dioxide emissions have anything to do with global warming, he says.

Joe, Joe, Joe. No one "knows for sure" about what causes gravity either. Care to take a walk off the balcony of the 33rd floor? Maybe you'll only fall 90% of the way to the ground.

And Not Only That, He Used His Mind Powers To Give Me Man Boobs

Uh oh. Alert fellow islamofascistcommieninjawarriors: The republicans are on to us! Code Mao! Code Mao! Meet in the secret underground hide out behind the Seven Eleven at 1400 hours. Sign: Wanda Sykes is a nephrologist. Countersign: Dijon mustard tastes good on my I Hate America sandwich.

U.S. Rep. Pete Sessions of Dallas, a member of the House Republican therapy group, is accusing President Barack Obama of intentionally driving up unemployment and dampening stock prices in a bid to consolidate power. When asked how one person could do all that, Sessions replied that he had sensed "thought emanations" coming from the White House and had noticed that since Bush left office a little over 100 days ago the economy hasn't improved. "What other conclusion could you logically draw?" he asked.

Sessions told The New York Times that the administration intends to “diminish employment and diminish stock prices” as part of a “divide and conquer” strategy. When asked how making both workers and investors poorer was a divide and conquer strategy, Sessions replied that "Everyone knows poor people vote democratic, so by...um...ah...well, OK maybe it's a combine and conquer strategy. I'm still working out the details."

And he asserted that the Obama agenda is “intended to inflict damage and hardship on the free enterprise system, if not to kill it.” A reporter asked if it wasn't more accurate to say the banking, auto and other executives who had run their businesses into the ground in a competition to see who was more greedy or more stupid weren't more responsible for inflicting damage and hardship on the free enterprise system. "Greedy and stupid? You're talking about my base," Sessions replied.

White House aides declined to comment. One aide, who spoke on condition of anonymity said that the White House had a policy of not responding to comments made by anyone with an IQ lower than that of beach sand.

Sessions, elected to his seventh House term last fall, by people who order from restaurant menus by pointing at the pictures and grunting, chairs the National Republican Congressional Committee, the party organization that defends incumbents and tries to win more House seats.

Hey Pete, how's that working out for you?

The NRCC’s chief spokesman, Ken Spain, defended the allegation that Obama – who has repeatedly vowed to help the economy recover – secretly welcomes a slump in employment and investments. "Look, he's black and he's left handed. What more evidence do you want that everything he says is the opposite of what he means?"

This isn’t the first time since Sessions took the clown car committee chairmanship last fall that aides have been asked to explain statement taken in some quarters as inflammatory.

"Inflammatory? How about off the rails whacko?" Spain said. "You should hear the stuff he says around us. We have to keep a loaded tranquilizer gun in the office for when he really gets wound up."

In February, Sessions told the National Journal that Republicans, as the minority party, might emulate insurgents such as the Taliban. Insurgency, we understand perhaps a little bit more because of the Taliban," he said at the time. "They went about systematically understanding how to disrupt and change a person's entire processes…. I'm not trying to say the Republican Party is the Taliban, but if it was, Rush would totally be our Mullah Mohammed Omar."

We've rebalanced his meds since then," Spain said

OK, but you better increase the dose in the tranquilizer gun as well.

I Find Your Lack Of Faith Disturbing

Hey, guess what we just found out. Dick Cheney's not in jail. How about that? And apparently he's not even on the lam because he was on the tee vee this weekend talking about how he was all griped out about the black guy.

Barack Obama?

No, the other black guy.

Michael Steele?

No, the one with a brain.

Colin Powell?

Right. Check it:

Oh, and we're all gonna die.

Friday Hound Blogging

Yay! The depression's recession is ending!

Employment losses slowed in April, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, with a decline of 539,000 jobs. That improvement, together with a rising stock market and other signs, has convinced many economists that recovery may come more quickly than was being predicted even a month ago.

Man, that was close. A few more months of that and the overlords would have been forced dip into the trust fund, maybe sell the summer house in Aspen, or worse yet, let some of the staff go. The thought of driving oneself to afternoon tea out amongst all those middle class barbarians in their, ah, domestic automobiles is almost too much for one to contemplate.

We crack us up.

Anyway, with things on the economic front starting to look a little brighter the overlords can breathe a sigh of relief and get back to extolling the virtues of animal exploitation as good family fun, right Craig Eaton, Twin River’s senior vice president and general counsel?

The struggling Twin River gambling parlor and dog track will suspend greyhound racing for the rest of the year as it deals with deep financial problems. The suspension will begin May 31.

Bummer. But it's only temporary, right? Sure things are slow right now, but people are going to want to lose the rent money again. As soon as they get some rent money.

Twin River has informed the state it will end greyhound racing for the rest of the year on Aug. 8 as it prepares for a possible bankruptcy filing, a spokeswoman told Providence Business News.

Oh. Well. Jeez, sorry about that. Wait. We thought you said you were closing in May, not August. Does that mean there's still hope for all those people missing teeth and wanting to drive themselves into homelessness two dollars at a time?

Greyhound racing will continue through the summer at the struggling Twin River gambling parlor rather than end in late May as the facility's owners originally wanted because state officials believe the earlier closing would violate state law.

Violate state law? What law is that, the law that says the more stupid something is the longer we have to do it?

The state Department of Business Regulation warned Twin River in a letter that a May closing would violate a state law requiring the dog track to offer 125 days of racing.

Oh, that law. OK let's recap. Twin River is circling the drain. Every time they run a race they lose money and the state loses money. The state doesn't have any money to begin with, but it wants the track to keep running those races anyway. That about cover it Eilis?

Eilis is very friendly. She wags her tail when she sees people and she will show her teeth, smiling. She has a happy tail; she’s always wagging it and her foster mom is afraid she may knock something over with it. She will catch toys in the air. She will come up to you for pets and love. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Eilis would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. She would do well in a family that will actively play with her on a regular basis. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

We're not Sure "Connect With The Voters" Means What He Thinks It Means

OK, so republicans are trying to find a way back into polite society by acting like they eat pizza with the common folk, hiding their money from black folks and boning their constituents.

Wait, what?

An Oakland County Commissioner is facing an indecent exposure charge, accused of being naked and engaged in sex on a city sidewalk last month, police said.

Dude. On the sidewalk? We mean, we know the republicans are all about transparency in government, but...Dude...on the sidewalk?

Commissioner Kim Capello, R-Viagra, appeared before Novi District Judge Dennis Powers today on the charge, a misdemeanor punishable by up to 93 days in jail and fines.

93 days? Not 90, or 100? Got to have something to do with those chaps you were wearing, right?

The officer reported shining a spotlight on two figures leaning on a three-foot tall brick wall who looked as if they were engaged in sexual intercourse. "At first I didn't see anyone," the officer said. "But then I head a male voice shouting 'Cut my taxes baby! Harder! Harder!' and so I directed the spotlight in that direction ."

Capello, a former Novi councilman, and the woman were both been questioned by police about 2 a.m. "Initially Mr. Capello told the officer he was 'caucusing' with the female," the police report said. "But the officer became suspicious when the female mentioned the 'caucus' would cost $100."

Police said Capello identified himself as the mayor of Detroit, immediately pulled on his clothes offered to get the police officers Rush Limbaugh autographs if they wouldn't press charges.

The officer said both appeared intoxicated and both said they had been drinking prior to the incident.

Yeah, that makes sense. Look, if you're republican you really think you're going to get a sober girl to go to...um...sidewalk with you?

Palin Unveils New Campaign Strategy

Hey guess what? Not only do people with IQ's above that of whole wheat flour dislike republicans, the republicans don't even like each other. A while back we told you about the republican effort to recast itself as the party of not crazy people by reorganizing all the crazy people into different groups. Sort of a musical chairs of craziness except with a whole lot of extra chairs because it appears that those lacking the need of prescriptions for psychopharmaceuticals are not that interested in becoming members of a political party whose leading intellectual thinkers are Joe the (not) Plumber, Michele Bachmann and Rush Limbaugh.

Go figure.

Well, OK, so the remaining party leaders gathered in their cardboard fort out by the railroad tracks, exchanged secret handshakes, hung the "No girls" sign on the door and preceded to have their meeting. During the secret planning session on ways to draw mustaches on pictures of President Obama, Mitt Romney cracked the boys up with his Sarah Palin has cooties routine.

Now, normally this wouldn't be cause for comment because everybody knows Mitt Romney has cooties times infinity and is an ugly poopyhead besides. However, Sarah Palin is no ordinary republican and far from being content to remind Romney who was the vice presidential nominee of that old guy who kept her out of the White House, or whatever house the Vice President lives in, and who was the loser who couldn't even buy a couple of primaries with all the money he made selling holy underwear, she decided to raise the stakes in this little dysfunctional family feud and go public with her disdain for Mitt the animal lover:



Now, we're not certain, but we think Palin just threatened to shoot Romney. Oh sure she's sitting there next to a stuffed bear, but that may be just to throw off the authorities.

Hey, where is John McCain anyway?

Homos Face The Naked Truth

OK so we've been following the Carrie Prejean imbroglio hoping this would happen...er...we mean because we're all about keeping ourselves informed in the ongoing debate about the moral future of this great nation.

For those of you who don't get your opinions from beauty pageants, Carrie Prejean was Miss. California in the Miss USA contest who, when asked her views on gay marriage said that her secret fantasy was to be able to end hunger and bring peace to the world...no wait, that's what she should have said. Instead she said DIE HOMO DIE. Or something like that.

It being California and all, people were predictably upset that she had an opinion on something other than eye lash lengthening mascara, and then the truth came out that she was a christian agent, placed among the Miss USA contestants to bring them to the lord as they changed for the swimsuit competition.

We may have missed a few details there.

Anyway, it turns out the pageant was in on the operation because they paid to have her...um...assets...er...improved from modest christian wife size to Wowzer, you gotta be able to hold your breath for a week! All of which makes total sense because if you're going to go among the sinners and draw them to the word of the almighty, you got to have the street cred, know what we're saying?

All was for naught though because the homo question caused Miss Prejean to blow her cover and so she was unceremoniously kicked to the curb.

Now it comes out that right after our erstwhile beauty evangelist got her new...ah...accouterments, she took them out for a spin and everybody's all like Har Har, you cain't be a preachin' for the lord when yer nekked.

Au contraire says us. See, we survived six years of schooling in the panoptican of the church catholic, so let us enlighten you with a illustrative tale:

We were probably in eighth grade or so, somewhere around the age when we discovered why dad hid the key to the liquor cabinet. Our spiritual Drill Sergeant was one Sister Arnulfa who pioneered the unique pedagogical approach of occasionally stopping whatever lesson she happened to be teaching to quiz us on our catechism. One day, while discussing the first battle of Bull Run, she suddenly turned to us and asked if imbibing too much alcohol was a sin, and if so, what kind of sin.

Now, we hadn't known there was drinking going on at the first battle of Bull Run, although it did explain how the Union got the snot kicked out of them by a bunch of illiterate tobacco farmers and we were about to answer such until we realized this was one of Sister Arnulfa's surprise catechism quizzes.

We were stumped. We knew pretty much everything was a sin, so we felt safe guessing yes, but what kind of sin? We weren't even sure we knew what kind of sins there were. Regular and Super size? Manual and automatic? Filtered and unfiltered? Then it hit us. Father Keegan, the parish pastor smelled like a distillery most of the time, and everyone knew two of the most regular visitors to the Rectory were a Mr. Beam and a Mr. Daniels. If a priest did it, how could it be wrong, our slightly post pubescent mind calculated. Proudly then we rose and explained to the good sister how drinking was not a sin and could not be a sin, citing Father Keegan as our evidence.

We were rewarded with a whack on the shoulder from the nun's ever present yard stick, told to sit down and never ever again impugn the character of a servant of god lest we be consigned to the deepest bowels of hell, or sent to a public school. Whichever.

And that's how we learned that if one is a homie of god, one has license to explain the faults of others to them in excruciating detail, but one is exempted from having one's own faults thrown up in one's face in return because part of being one of god's homies is that one's faults really aren't faults because god made one that way. Or, as Miss Prejean said, "I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be. But these attacks on me and others who speak in defense of traditional marriage are intolerant and offensive."

Right. So, Miss Prejean, who is a "christian, and I am a model. Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos" is also allowed to be intolerant and offensive to the homos because that's the way god made her. Well, except for the boobs. Mentor Corporation made those.

If You Want To Make Lemonade, You Need Lemons

We've expounded previously on our lack of bona fides as political scientists, specifically on our inability to grasp the obviously subtle and convoluted strategy behind the republican attempt to remove itself from the vote getting business, but it seems they're quite serious about pursuing this course of action. Not only have they formed a committee of the people no one wants for president to remind them how to lose elections, now they gone and signed up the very people who got them in this mess in the first place as advisers.

Here's some free advice from your friends at Ironicus Maximus World Headquarters folks: Winning elections is about increasing your vote totals, not shrinking them. This is not golf. The lowest score does not win. Sorry to be so blunt, but you seem unclear on the concept.

Republicans looking to recover from Bush-era defeats are turning to an unlikely source for advice: top aides to former President George W. Bush. See, here is your problem. As our sainted mother used to say, this is like taking swimming lessons from a concrete block.

Former White House press secretart Dana Perino, former Bush counselor Ed Gillespie and former White House deputy press secretary Tony Fratto are among those set to take money from House Republican press secretaries at their annual workshop. Wait. Now that we think about it, this could work. After all, if you want to learn how to drive the clown car, you have to ask the clowns.

GOP House Conference Communications Director Matt Lloyd said Perino, Gillespie and Fratto represented “the iron pyrite standard for Republican communications professionals” and were obvious choices to advise the party’s messengers. "Well, that and the fact that no one else would return our phone calls."

The Bush vets say their turbulent White House years make them uniquely suited to advise a House Republican Conference stuck in a nearly 80-seat minority.“We are battle-tested,” said Perino, who was Bush’s last press secretart. "Of course we lost the battle. And the war. Come to think of it, it would have probably gone better if we hadn't even showed up, but what the heck, I'll take any paycheck I can find these days."

Fratto, who spent three years as Bush’s deputy press secretary, cited his experience being in an actual duel of wits with Congress. "Of course it would have gone better if I had brought some wits to the duel, but those are the things you learn along the way."

GOP House Conference Communications Director Matt Lloyd called the workshop an integral part of the GOP’s renewed focus on communications. "Of course, the message we're communicating is as bat spit crazy as it's ever been, but you take one step at a time."

Perino said the intensified communications effort is paying off, and she offered particular praise for the conference’s repeated mantra TEA BAG!! TEA BAG!!!MUSLIM!!!BLARGH!!

“I think they’re improving, and they’re starting to get a sense of how to attack in the next 18 months ahead of 2010,” said Fratto.

Well, "attack" might be too strong of a word at this juncture, don't you think Mr. Fratto? Perhaps stand in a pool of your own urine and scream at the rest of the country to get off your lawn might be a tad more accurate. Oh, and don't forget your sign.


Because everybody knows and infromed democracy is a strong democracy.

Friday Hound Blogging

While most of the main stream media was running after stories about President Obama's first 100 days, one intrepid reporter named Dave Bergmeier discovered a truly heartwarming and inspiring story right in his own back yard: the overlords have come to town to celebrate themselves.

Dave works for the Abilene Reflector Chronicle Observer Times Beacon Press Dispatch Post Review and he's apparently the only one who does because he wrote this article, and this article, and this one and this one.

Not much happens in Abilene apparently.

Anyway, the overlords were in town to collectively pat themselves on the back for surviving another year without having to get jobs, and Dave was on the story like ugly on a bulldog, or, more appropriately, like skinny on a greyhound. Right Dave?

One of Abilene’s largest events plays out twice a year as national and international guests renew acquaintances and look for ways to stay out of the labor pool. The National Greyhound Association, 729 Old Highway 40, right next to that mall that closed down last year.

Like we said, not much happens in Abilene.

A highlight will be a banquet to recognize the late John Seastrom Vi Seastrom, Tracy Wildey and Tonya Mills, said Tim Horan, who is managing editor of the The Greyhound Review, receptionist, chief janitor and assistant secretary for the NGA.

Wow. All those people are dead? Bummer. Kind of cuts down on the acceptance speeches though.

Gary Guccione, executive director of the NGA, said the Seastrom family represented “real history” to the greyhound industry.

What? As opposed to fake history, like when you say the dogs are well taken care of?

Wayne Strong drew a strong laugh from the crowd when he noted that if Seastrom was alive he would have avoided such an event. "He didn't want his kids to know what he did," Strong said. "And he didn't like any of you people at all."

It wasn't all fun and games though, because Dave, being the professional journalistic reporter that he is, knew where to find controversy and uphold the long and distinguished reputation of the Abilene Reflector Chronicle Observer Times Beacon Press Dispatch Post Review. Tell it Dave:

Industry experts have continued to work hard to identify ways to keep the animals safe, identify ways to help producers to cut costs and increase revenues. The auctions have projected a sense of spontaneity as well as make economic sense.

Right. And one way to cut costs and make economic sense is to reduce your...erm...disposal fees.

The NGA meets show that the industry, while facing its share of challenges, has a sense of family. Those issues are common, which include finding compromise that allows the entire family to succeed.

OK, we don't know what that means, but we're pretty sure when they say the family succeeds they aren't talking about you, right Tempest?

Tempest is very calm and very intelligent. He’s very affectionate. He follows his foster mom everywhere in the home. Tempest would be fine in a working family home with well-mannered children aged 10 and up. He loves being with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.