Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, no more tracks closed this week. How about that overlords? Got to take your victories where you find them, no? So, since you don't need to convince people that what's left of western civilization will collapse if you lose your minimum wage no benefit job this week, what to do? What to do?

Oh, we know, fleece the rubes.

Welcome to the most accurate and profitable greyhound profit center on the internet.

Hmm...being the most accurate and profitable greyhound profit center on the web is sort of like being the tallest ballerina in Wabash Indiana.

Due to overwhelming demand our pick sheets are now free.

OK, we're not economists or anything, but doesn't increasing demand cause the value of something to go up?

Honestly, these picks are not the exact picks I play and my players play. We reserve the best of the best for ourselves. However these picks are most likely the best you will find anywhere.

Umm...so what you're telling us is if we're stupid enough to listen to you we deserve what we get?

Charging money for pick sheets is more of a hassle than anything else. We could never charge what they are really worth .

Right, because who wants to make money anyway? Cheapens the challenge and all that. Besides, since our picks are the ones you don't bet, we're sorting of getting what we paid for.

Our picks are made using a method I developed over 10 years ago and have been using ever since.

Yeah. Uh, would that be the method we get, or the one you "reserve" for yourself and your players?

I also train a limited number of players to play on the pro level each year.

The pro level? There's a pro level of rubes? Is that like the people who can actually tie their own shoes level?

We no longer teach the pencil / program method of handicapping.

Got it. Need people who can read and write for that.

I have been training players since 2005 and have many satisfied students, including some who play to earn income.

Some who play to earn income? What do you think the rest play for Madison? Shiny trinkets?

Madison is very affectionate. She will approach people as soon as they come into the house. She likes to lean against you, will nuzzle her head against you, and gives kisses. She likes hugs and nose rubs. She is hilarious to watch. She is like Bambi on ice with the wood floors. She is playful in the morning and likes to play with her family and other dogs, although she is an early to bed girl. She is a quick learner. She is very animated – She will look you right in the eyes like she is communicating with you. Madison would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 7 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. She would do well in an active family that would include her and she would make a great meet and greet girl. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Republicans! Motto: We're Thinking Of Changing The Elephant For A Fainting Goat

We're coming to you today from the super reinforced, double secure, reverse air pressure, extra padded anti-super terrorist bunker here in the marbled halls of IM Central. We've been down here since we found out Magneto is coming to New York.

Attorney General Eric Holder is defending his decision to put the professed Sept. 11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed on trial in New York — and urging critics of the plan not to cower in the face of terrorists. "I thought you were only afraid of black people," Holder told the committee.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Let's see, is he the guy that can make himself invisible or the one with mind control powers?

Holder is set to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee, where republican lawmakers are likely to wet themselves over the attorney general's decision last week to send KSM and four alleged henchmen from a detention center at Guantanamo Bay to New York to face a civilian federal trial.

KSM? Isn't that a classic Rock radio station on Portland?

President Barack Obama, meanwhile, said that those offended by the legal privileges being given to Mohammed by trying him in a civilian court ultimately won't find it "offensive at all when he's convicted and when the death penalty is applied to him."

Darn straight Mr. President. Um...Those are the courts where you're innocent until proven guilty, right?

Obama added that he did not mean to suggest he was prejudging the outcome of Mohammed's trial.

OK, sorry. We must have misunderstood "when he's convicted" or something.

Critics of Holder's decision — mostly Republicans — have argued the trial will give Mohammed a world stage to spout hateful rhetoric.

Yeah, we see what you're saying. If there's anybody who knows about spouting hateful rhetoric, it's the republicans. Point of order: Will Mohammed get to carry misspelled signs or posters of Obama as the Joker?

In remarks prepared before the hearing, Holder says such concerns are misplaced, because real life isn't like episodes of 24 and any pronouncements by Mohammed would only make him look like a Palin supporter. "Who you think this guy is anyway, Wesley Pruden?" Holder said.

"We need not cower in the face of this enemy," Holder says. "Our institutions are strong, our infrastructure is sturdy, our resolve is firm, and our people are ready." Several reporters heard a reply to Holder's comments from senator Kyl, but could not understand him as he refused to come out from under his desk.

The president echoed Holder's comments about the New York trial. "Come on republicans," the president said. "Man up."

"I think this notion that we have to be fearful that these terrorists are space ninjas and that prevents us from presenting evidence against them, locking them up and exacting swift justice, is due to the republicans watching too many X-Men movies ," Obama said in an interview with CNN. "And I'm sorry if that makes Glenn Beck cry," the president added.

Opponents of the plan, including Holder's predecessor Michael Mukasey, have accused him of adopting a "pre-9/11" approach to terrorism. When asked to explain what that meant, Mukasey said he wasn't sure but he'd heard Rudy Giuliani use it and thought it sounded "macho."

Fox News! Motto: At Least We're Not As Dumb As Our Audience

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the sweet release that comes with the complete abandonment of ambition...er...we mean have come to rely on us for their daily dose of cutting edge satire and pithy political commentary.

If by "come to rely on" you mean, Hey, now that we've read what the adults are saying, let's go see what Ironicus has written. But first let's have a drink. Ironicus always makes more sense after a drink.

Tru dat. The point is, in our ongoing efforts to add to the number of minutes in your life you wish you had back, we occasionally have to make certain...umm...adjustments to the quality of our output. Or, as Blogmistress Jenna puts it: a "blog that contains a mix of successful, moderately successful, and far less successful posts."

Hahahahaha! Students. Aren't they cute? Always so...focused.

But we digress. The reason we tell you this is to establish our credentials in the area of phoning it in and, having established said credentials would like to offer the following advice to our friends at Fox: Dudes. Take a day off.

President Obama's deep bow to Japanese Emperor Akihito on Saturday may not have violated any official protocol, but critics of the presidential act of deference nevertheless say he's guilty of bad form.

Guys. Come on. When the best you've got is our president bowing to the leader of a country where bowing is as much a part of the culture as shaking hands over here, you really got nothing.

Seriously. You. Got. Nothing.

Believe us. We know about having nothing.

Look, we all know it's easier to make fun of the fact that Obama is polite and knows that there are different customs in different cultures than to actually study his polices and develop a cogent argument against them. Not to mention that you'd lose two thirds of your audience fifteen seconds into a show like that. Well, maybe if you called it Helth Kare Debait. That might hold them for a little longer.

But never mind. Forget that. We know it's not your mission anyway. Your mission is to convince people with...um...limited talents to vote against their own best interests. By scaring them. But think about it. What kind of return are you going to get for this? Do you really expect tea baggers will be out running around the country shouting "Obama treats people with respect and dignity! Omygod!! Omygod!! Omyfreakingod!!"

Well, OK, that could happen, but if you want to reach out to people with IQ's above that of fingernail clippings you've got to come up with something that has a little more sizzle, a little more oomph. Day after day telling us that Obama has manners, Obama is educated, Obama can walk an chew gum at the same time just gets old.

Trust us. We know about stuff getting old. Just ask Jenna.

How Do You Say "Klaatu Barada Nikto" In Latin?

Oh man, this is really going to tick off Lou Dobbs.

The Pope's chief astronomer--well, his only astronomer-- has conceded other intelligent beings could exist in outer space provided they're not lutherans. "We're talking intelligent life here," the astronomer said. The conclusion has been drawn by members of the Yorba Linda High School Science Club called in by the Vatican to study the possibility of extraterrestrial life and its implications for shifting the blame for all those anal probes priests are accused of. "This pope likes to think outside of the box," said one vatican official.

Aliens. And they're coming from outer space. How do you build a wall against that?

The Vatican's five-day conference attracted 30 astronomers, physicists and biologists, including non-Catholics and other humanoids.

Thirty? You call a conference and you only get thirty people? We got more than that over to watch the Star Trek marathon. Course we had to buy the beer, but let's not quibble. We can see why you let in people from the fake churches. How come the low turn out padre?

It has been four centuries since the Catholic Church locked up Galileo for challenging the belief that the Earth was at the center of the universe.

Yeah. Church does tend to hold a grudge, huh? Plus it's not like the pope has gone all Carl Sagan on us anyway, is it?

The conference was was held in the apartment of Jesuit priest Father Jose Gabriel Funes, an astronomer and director of the Vatican Observatory and gift shop which does not have its telescope pointed at the convent across the street so don't even go there. Father Funes says the possibility of alien life raises "many philosophical and theological implications, especially if they have the concepts of money and donate," but that the gathering was mainly focused on the scientific perspective and what we can do to get rid of it.

One of the organisers was Chris Impey, a professor of astronomy at the University of Arizona. He says the aim was to spend a weekend speaking Klingon only and assess the most recent research around the question of what Sarek ever saw in an earth woman.

"And also getting a sense of when, you know, the Vulcans will make contact," he said.

"If you were going to take a set of bets of the 30 scientists gathered for that meeting, I think most of them would have said the first Star Wars trilogy was the best," Impey added.

Dr Paul Collins, a former priest and now Church historian, Catholic commentator, and official spokesperson for the pope's soccer team says a belief in extraterrestrial life does not necessarily contradict any basic tenets of the Catholic religion. "Especially if they're ugly," he added. "I mean, figure it out. We were made in god's image, so if aliens show up and they look like spiders, or goats with faces we just say those are the prototypes before god worked out the glitches. Wham bam, problem solved. It's sort of like what we used to do with black folks before civil rights."

"Essentially what the Christian faith generally is saying and certainly Catholicism specifically is saying is that God is the ultimate source of life, the ultimate source of reality," Collins said. "Which is why we have to expose Glenn Beck for the Mothman that he is."

The views of the Catholic Church have shifted radically since the Italian philosopher Giordano Bruno was burned at the stake as a heretic in 1600 for speculating other worlds could be inhabited. "Yeah," Collins said. "Now we just hack your Facebook page and photoshop the devil's face over yours on all your pictures."

And Dr Collins sees no problem with where aliens might fit in with the belief that man was created in God's image. "Every creature reflects the goodness and the creativity of God. Humankind, well, white western humankind we certainly would argue represents that most fully and most completely," he said. "Which is why alien will be the new black. Or maybe the new gay, it depends if they're bigger than us or have more arms or laser eyes or something.

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, what's this? Green shoots in Massachusetts?

“Here in Massachusetts, we’ve really in much of our manufacturing made a transformation to true 21st century advanced manufacturing. Sixty percent of the more than 700 firms we talked with actually expected to add jobs between now and 2017,” Northeastern University political economist Barry Bluestone said.

Well, that's encouraging. Maybe we underestimated overlord Doug Pizzi spokesman for the industry group Protection of Working Animals and Handlers Especially the Handlers. After all, he was all about saving jobs and supporting the economy through the heartless exploitation of innocent animals..er..we mean continuing greyhound racing. Apparently he's having an impact. Good times are coming back to Raynham Taunton, no doubt thanks to Mr. Pizzi's hard work.

After more than 60 years of operation, the Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park is now just seven weeks from closure, due to the upcoming statewide ban on dog racing.

See, that just goes to show you what a small group of dedicated individuals can do when they...wait a minute...what?

The inevitability of that shutdown was apparent in the mood at Wednesday’s public hearing, held by the state Racing Commission, on the track’s request for a slate of race dates for 2010. While the commission had until next Sunday to make a decision, commissioners didn’t bother waiting. They took a vote to dismiss the dog track’s application.

OK, let's recap. Raynham Taunton closes and the economy in Massachusetts gets better? Is that what you are saying?

Well, we're sure that's just a coincidence. We mean, look what's going on in Wisconsin where the Dairyland track is contributing to the good economic health of the state.

The last of Wisconsin's five greyhound race tracks is closing at the end of the year. The operators of Dairyland Greyhound Park in Kenosha said the track will end racing Dec. 31. Dairyland executive Roy Berger said the track has lost $17 million over the last seven years, including a $4 million deficit in 2009.

See, you take a thriving industry like unit exploitation...er...greyhound racing and it can carry a state through tough economic times just like...umm, did you say closing? Man, that has got to devastate the state.

The national economic recession remains severe but the bottom is in sight and Wisconsin is expected to show recovery in employment and personal income starting in 2010, according to the quarterly Wisconsin Economic Outlook released today by the Department of Revenue.

OK look, just because the economies of two states begin to improve as soon as they shut down greyhound racing is no reason to jump to conclusions. We're sure there's a rational explanation. There are plenty of states with vibrant, flourishing economies and operating tracks. States like...ah...um...well...Oh, Arizona. Yeah, Arizona where greyhound racing means the state has been pretty much recession proof.

Phoenix Greyhound Park today announced it plans to close its live racing on December 19 as a result of the challenging economy and increased competition.

Rats. OK, let's have the rest of the bad news. Greyhound track closes, economy improves. Go ahead lay it on us.

The Arizona and national economies are going through a painful readjustment that will take awhile to complete, according to economists who spoke at an economic outlook forum sponsored by the Greater Phoenix Chamber of Commerce.

Yeah, yeah, we've heard it all before. Track goes down, economy goes up. Look we still...wait, what did you say?

“It’s time to lower expectations,” said Elliott Pollack, an influential Scottsdale-based economist and chief executive of Elliott D. Pollack & Co. “The outlook is mediocre next year.”

Ha! Well, there you have it folks, proof positive that just because a state gets rid of greyhound racing doesn't mean its economy will improve. Right there in Arizona, track closes, economy still no better off.

Somebody call overlord Pizzi. He's probably feeling a little down about the whole thing, perhaps the news for Arizona will help him to avoid the realization that his life is basically a coffee stain on the universe for a while longer. Just tell him Arizona is still hurting even though their track closed.

Wait. We're sorry. What did you say Pilfer? Arizona isn't like Massachusetts and Wisconsin because there's still a track in Tucson? Oh. Well that explains the whole lowered expectations thing then, doesn't it?

Pilfer is affectionate and loving. He likes to kiss your ears and other dog’s ears and faces. He is starting to play with toys. He likes to collect his toys and will take them to his crate. He can be found in the cockroach position – on his back with his feet in the air. Pilfer would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.