BREAKING: Pope Admits There Are Gays In The Vatican; In Other News, Air Necessary For Breathing

Frequent readers of this blog have had to settle for Gilligan's Island reruns lately--on the Spanish channel...erm...we mean will recall that as formerly bad catholics who have since fallen away completely we often opine on matters ecclesiastical. Sometimes even in god's native tongue (Catuli rursus decesserit! Hui excrementum!) We do this as a public service for all of you out there in the whack churches because we feel it should be made very clear to you why you'll end up as a shish kabob on Satan's grill. You're welcome.

Now, we've been silent on the subject of Pope 2.0 up until now because we figured about all the cardinals would let him get away with was replacing ossobuco alla milanese with refogado in the vatican cafeteria. So imagine our surprise when we pick up today's copy of The Vatican Inquisitor and read:

Pope Francis acknowledged the presence of a “gay lobby” and “a current of corruption” in the Vatican, according to a summary of private remarks to the leadership of a Latin American church group, an acknowledgment that appears to confirm reports that the Vatican denied in February.

First of all, saying something is true in private that you said was false in public, that's going to get you a yellow card as a technical violation of Number Nine on Yahweh's Big Ten. Then we have the "gay lobby"--which we note with some regret is not referred to as the gay mafia--and the "current of corruption" which we are going to assume is separate from the "gay lobby." Man, you guys are starting to sound more like the Evangelicals than god's homies.

And why a gay lobby? What are they lobbying for? Do we want to know? Maybe between the pervs doinking the choirboys and the horndogs getting themselves to the nunnery the Nancy boys wanted some...er...equal time. Just wantin' them a little piece of that James 2:10 action there el popo. Word.

Now, since the church has already blamed all their troubles on the 60's we're thinking that must be when they first got caught in the "current" and have been swept helplessly along, struggling waifs in the tsunami of sex, drugs and rock and roll, all of which were in the curricula of seminaries and convents back then. Remember Woodstock? Organized by the Order of St. Francis. For serious.

In the days leading up to Pope Benedict XVI’s resignation in February, the Italian news media were rife with reports of a “gay lobby” influencing papal decision-making and Vatican policy through blackmail, and suggestions that the scandal had contributed to his decision to resign.

OK we like the blackmail part because that totally fits with the church's philosophy for inducing moral behavior (Hey pubescents. Better not let the lord catch you spanking the monkey or 70 years from now when you kick off it's Camp Satan for you!) but that whole gay's influencing Bene's decisions doesn't pass the water to wine test. We mean, here's a guy who spent most of his tenure trying to return the church to the 13th century and we gotta believe number one on the gay agenda is more rhinestones on the vestments. And accent colors. Come on man, queer eye for the holy guy, right?

The Vatican had denounced the Italian media reports as defamatory, “unverified, unverifiable or completely false.”

Ah, denying in public what you admit in private. So there are timeless truths in the church's teachings after all.

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Law and Order Department here in the semi-abandoned halls of IM Central. The LOD is a unit of the That's For Us To Know And You To Find Out Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of NCIS (Naming Cruelties In Secret).

It seems three overlords have gotten themselves into a bit of a sticky wicket with the local Gendarmes.

Three men associated with greyhound racing in West Virginia were recently reprimanded for neglecting or abusing dogs. The board of judges at the Wheeling Island racetrack punished all three in separate hearings during April and May...

 Reprimanded huh? We were reprimanded once after we squirted Cindy McMahon in the coat room before class one day in eighth grade. The whole situation arose because we had feelings for Cindy, but lacked the requisite linguistic experience to express them in an appropriate manner. Plus, Dale brought his squirt gun to school that day so we thought actions speak louder than words, why not? Father Simmons did not see the logic of our position and sentenced us to one week of blackboard cleaning. This after confiscating the aforementioned squirt gun and subjecting it to a ritual burning in the Rectory office.  Never were able to make that connection with Cindy. Heard through the grapevine that she actually liked Dale. Women! Go figure.

Well, the point of the story is, aside from some potential lung damage from inhaling chalk dust, and the hit our allowance took because we had to replace Dale's squirt gun, we came through our reprimand pretty much no worse for wear, and we suspect that due to the long history of wrist slapping and wet noodle spanking the industry usually doles out to overlords caught taking creative action to adjust their inventories, the same is going to be true of our three current miscreants. So what exactly is the nature of the great hammer of righteousness the judges are bringing down on the heads of these hapless clowns? No TV for a month? Mow the lawn? Do the dishes? Don't pick your nose in public, what?

The three men are James Bloom, James Grace and Christopher Bever. Grace and Bever lost their operating permits, while Bloom's permit was suspended for six months, according to the rulings.

Holy crap! The death penalty for Grace and Bever and six months hard time for Bloom. That's some serious reprimanding right there don't you know. That's reprimanding like nuclear bombs in the living room are disrupting, like fire ants crawling up your nose are vexing, like having Rick Santorum for a neighbor is disquieting, like...OK you get the picture. Man! These guys must have done some weapons grade "neglecting or abusing." This has got to be Ronnie Williams level stuff, Ursula O'Donnel bad, or Ritt and Steinman, you know, just off the charts evil. Man, we almost don't want to keep reading. We just know when you tell us what they did it's going to depress us for a week at least, but people need to know what happens to greyhounds when they are no more than a means to an end. If we're ever going to end their suffering we have to shine a light into the darkest corners of the industry, so we're talking a deep breath. OK, go on. What did these guys do that got two of them the ultimate punishment?

The rulings state Bloom, Grace and Bever abused, neglected or generally mistreated dogs but provide no further details about the actual transgressions.

Oh, we knew it was going to be bad, but...wait, what?

The commission provided no details about the actual incidents that led to the punishment...

 Ralph Brehm, presiding judge at the board of judges in Wheeling, said he was not allowed to talk about the cases. "Well, actually I could talk about it if I wanted," he added. "But I was drunk through most of the hearings so I don't really remember much. Did we find them guilty?"

Jon Amores, Racing Commission executive director, said there could have been witnesses to the incidents, or the judge could have viewed violations, Amores said. The commission typically doesn't keep any paper record of those witness statements at this level of the reprimanding process...

When asked if no records was standard procedure, Amores said, "Hey, writing is hard, man. First you have to find some paper and then a pencil. And what if the pencil needs to be sharpened, huh? Who's gonna do that? And don't even get me started on spelling and grammar.  Besides, writing means a record somewhere. We don't want records floating around. If people found out what really goes on at a track they'd shut us down in a week. There's a reason we don't let outsiders in the kennel, you know? We may be cruel and heartless, but we're not stupid. OK, some of us are stupid too, but that's not my point right now."

There might be paperwork if someone appealed a ruling. Amores said...

Umm...Let us get this straight. There's no paperwork now, but if someone appeals there may be paperwork? Is this like Schrodinger's paperwork that both exists and doesn't exist at the same time. You'll have to explain that to us, we were never good at physics. What about you Iceman, what quantum state are you in?

Iceman is a very sweet and friendly boy. He loves to be around people. Iceman wags his tail a lot because he is so happy to finally be in a home. He is interested in his reflection in the mirror because he sees such a handsome boy staring back. He seeks out attention from the foster family, loves to go for walks and does  really well on the leash. He can live with kitties and dogs his size but has not yet met any small dogs. Iceman is trying to learn to go up and down the stairs but hasn't exactly got the hang of it yet. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Friday Hound Blogging

Hello America and all the ships at sea! We're coming to you today from the It's Only A Problem If You Know About It Department here in the marbled (if somewhat dusty from lack of use) halls of IM Central. The IOAPIYKAI Department is part of the What You Don't Know Won't Hurt Us Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Trust Us On This, LLC.

Ah, Friday Hound Blogging. Truth be told we've missed our weekly visits to the overlords, or as we like to call them, high colonic residue with faces. Well, it seems while we were off getting our serious on, the Posse Commodatatis seems to have developed a social conscience and is taking on one of the burning political questions of our age.

The Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) and other animal rights groups are up in arms over a bill introduced in the New Hampshire legislature that would require any persons recording cruelty to livestock to report the animal abuse and submit the recordings to law enforcement authorities within 24 hours of the video’s creation. The HSUS claims that New Hampshire House Bill (HB) 110 would impose a “gag” on whistleblowers trying to expose animal cruelty. In fact, there is nothing in the bill that prohibits the shooting of undercover video, or imposes penalties for doing so.

Right. Except that forcing videos to be turned in within 24 hours would effectively destroy any chance the filming organization might have to demonstrate the practice was ongoing and not an anomaly (which is what you know the farm, or puppy mill, or greyhound kennel owners would say) plus providing a warning to the offending organization in time for them to appear to clean up their act.

But other than destroying one of your most effective weapons against abusers, what's your beef HSUS? (Get it? Beef? See because they're probably vegetarians like all communists. We crack us up.)

For years, extreme animal rights organizations have used “undercover videos” to hype animal cruelty allegations against targeted animal enterprises, including greyhound racing. Often, these groups shoot video over a period of days, weeks or even months before reporting the abuse to authorities, if they report it at all.

 OK, as trained rhetorical language user people we'd like to unleash a little of our exegesical semantical mojo on this here passage. We are professionals. Do not try this at home.

First of all, what does it say about the existential emptiness of the writer's soul that he or she would believe that animal cruelty has to be "hyped," as if by itself it is a subject no more worthy of our attention than reporting the Cubs have lost. Again.  And of course the accusations of cruelty are only "alleged" against "targeted animal enterprises," all of which is meant to inject a sizable element of doubt into the whole issue without having to actually deny the allegations because, you know, "alleged" means maybe, maybe not, and "targeted" moves the issue from the act to the organization because there's some sort of personal vendetta type thing going on here and it's not really about animals dying all over the place. And isn't "animal enterprise" an interesting way to phrase what a CAFO, or a greyhound kennel is? Makes the whole thing sound harmless. Like calling a slaughter house an abattoir, oui?

Which brings us to the last sentence, perhaps the most interesting of the lot. It's almost like the author wrote the main clause, then realized what it implied and tried to pull it out of the fire with the closing if conditional. Dear Mr. or Ms. Writer: It didn't work. If groups can find enough abuse going on to shoot it over "a period of days, weeks or even months" then you got some abuse going on there, honey and that's the name of that tune. To imply that they may not report it--how to say this politely--makes Glenn Beck look like a Rhodes Scholar.

Greyhound racing organizations have encouraged anyone who has witnessed abuse or neglect of greyhounds to report it to the National Greyhound Association (NGA), the American Greyhound Council (AGC), or the American Greyhound Track Operators Association (AGTOA). Responsible animal welfare advocates know that these organizations respond quickly and efficiently when action is needed to ensure the welfare of racing greyhounds.

Well, that's all nice sounding and stuff, but it's awful hard for anyone to witness greyhound abuse or neglect WHEN YOU WON"T LET THEM IN THE KENNEL! And another thing, who are these "Responsible animal welfare advocates" of which you speak? You never identify them. They only exist in your head, right? Come on, you can tell us.

HumaneWatch the online animal rights watchdog explains that “sitting around and splicing footage over a few months” can make isolated incidents look like constant practice.

Dude, if you have enough "incidents" that you can splice them together over months, then you got yourself a "constant practice." See, "isolated means like, isolated, you know, as in not many happening. Hope we cleared that up for you.

OK, now we're coming to the big finish:

New Hampshire’s HB110 wouldn’t prevent anyone from shooting undercover video or using it for media and fundraising purposes.

Wait for it...

It’s very telling that HSUS, ASPCA and so many other animal rights groups are lining up against this legislation. They don’t want to stop animal abuse at all; they simply want to exploit it to grab headlines and raise money.

Now, what we have here is what's called your basic internal inconsistency,  or, as the overlords call it, We Were Dropped On Our Heads Too Often As Children. Explains a lot, huh PG?

PG is very relaxed and independent. He gets along well with children and adults. He enjoys the cats and dogs that are in the foster home and loves to be petted. PG needs to work on his leash habits because he pulls a little bit. He can go up and down the stairs. PG is a typical Greyhound that likes to curl up on the bed and takes nice long naps. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

HeyO!

We're over at The Stolen Lantern today stroking our beards and getting all serious like. Come on by.

Dave Agema! Motto: I Am Not Over Compensating

OK, we've got this guy here in Michigan named Dave Agema, which we know sounds like some sort of skin condition. "The tests are back Mr. Maximus and it looks like Homofrightis Agema. The antibiotic resistant version."

Yeah, well he's a former state legislator who's now a "Republican National Committeeman" which is sort of like being a conductor on the crazy train, or maybe one of the activities directors for Loon Cruise Lines, or a booking agent for Bizzarro Air, or...well, the point is it takes a special person to stand out as a flaming bonkizoid in a room where flaming bonkizoid is the theme of the decor.

Fun Fact: When he was in the Michigan legislature, Agema missed crucial votes on tax hikes in 2007 by virtue of the fact that he was in Siberia killing a goat because Manly! This earned him the sobriquet "Goat Killer."

Now, Mr. Agema has a history of making vile, hurtful and bigoted statements, most of which are unencumbered by the thought process. We thought that was a requirement for the job, but apparently we were wrong because Agema's latest foray into social commentary has provoked a backlash of sorts. But before you get all up on Mt. Sinai there and start telling us this is just another example of a poor christian man being hounded by godless liberals, or worse, democrats because he has taken the lord Jesus Christ as his personal savior, you can just put that thought out of your mind because this isn't about trying to bring the sweet gospel of heterosex to the masses as Jesus commanded the Apostles when he said "Thou shalt go forth and tag some booty, but whosoever shall be favoring the show tunes shall be an abomination before the Father." (Budweiser 6:12)

No, this isn't about the loving god at all, this is about science so we probably don't have to tell you the people most concerned about this latest outbreak of Republicanus Bigotitus are the republicans themselves because, you know, science and republicans go together like corn stalks and B2 bombers. Besides, when liberals read what Agema wrote they were all like, "A republican says something offensive and inaccurate? Must be a day that ends in Y."

As you might expect, Mr. Agema was not about to...uh...bend over and take it, so he  took to the airwaves to defend himself. Unfortunately the only airwaves he could find were those belonging to a guy who runs a radio station out of his fallout shelter in Michigan's upper peninsula. This is sort of like taking out an ad in the personals section of the Lonelyville New York Daily Chronicle and Advertiser because only 18 people live in the UP anyway and just six of them have radios.

Fun fact #2: During the interview between Agema and the radio host is was revealed that 10 years ago we didn't have bisexuals. What say you now David Bowie, and Leonard Bernstein, and Cary Grant?

We know what we say: 

Carson/Agema 2016!