Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Homos Face The Naked Truth

OK so we've been following the Carrie Prejean imbroglio hoping this would happen...er...we mean because we're all about keeping ourselves informed in the ongoing debate about the moral future of this great nation.

For those of you who don't get your opinions from beauty pageants, Carrie Prejean was Miss. California in the Miss USA contest who, when asked her views on gay marriage said that her secret fantasy was to be able to end hunger and bring peace to the world...no wait, that's what she should have said. Instead she said DIE HOMO DIE. Or something like that.

It being California and all, people were predictably upset that she had an opinion on something other than eye lash lengthening mascara, and then the truth came out that she was a christian agent, placed among the Miss USA contestants to bring them to the lord as they changed for the swimsuit competition.

We may have missed a few details there.

Anyway, it turns out the pageant was in on the operation because they paid to have her...um...assets...er...improved from modest christian wife size to Wowzer, you gotta be able to hold your breath for a week! All of which makes total sense because if you're going to go among the sinners and draw them to the word of the almighty, you got to have the street cred, know what we're saying?

All was for naught though because the homo question caused Miss Prejean to blow her cover and so she was unceremoniously kicked to the curb.

Now it comes out that right after our erstwhile beauty evangelist got her new...ah...accouterments, she took them out for a spin and everybody's all like Har Har, you cain't be a preachin' for the lord when yer nekked.

Au contraire says us. See, we survived six years of schooling in the panoptican of the church catholic, so let us enlighten you with a illustrative tale:

We were probably in eighth grade or so, somewhere around the age when we discovered why dad hid the key to the liquor cabinet. Our spiritual Drill Sergeant was one Sister Arnulfa who pioneered the unique pedagogical approach of occasionally stopping whatever lesson she happened to be teaching to quiz us on our catechism. One day, while discussing the first battle of Bull Run, she suddenly turned to us and asked if imbibing too much alcohol was a sin, and if so, what kind of sin.

Now, we hadn't known there was drinking going on at the first battle of Bull Run, although it did explain how the Union got the snot kicked out of them by a bunch of illiterate tobacco farmers and we were about to answer such until we realized this was one of Sister Arnulfa's surprise catechism quizzes.

We were stumped. We knew pretty much everything was a sin, so we felt safe guessing yes, but what kind of sin? We weren't even sure we knew what kind of sins there were. Regular and Super size? Manual and automatic? Filtered and unfiltered? Then it hit us. Father Keegan, the parish pastor smelled like a distillery most of the time, and everyone knew two of the most regular visitors to the Rectory were a Mr. Beam and a Mr. Daniels. If a priest did it, how could it be wrong, our slightly post pubescent mind calculated. Proudly then we rose and explained to the good sister how drinking was not a sin and could not be a sin, citing Father Keegan as our evidence.

We were rewarded with a whack on the shoulder from the nun's ever present yard stick, told to sit down and never ever again impugn the character of a servant of god lest we be consigned to the deepest bowels of hell, or sent to a public school. Whichever.

And that's how we learned that if one is a homie of god, one has license to explain the faults of others to them in excruciating detail, but one is exempted from having one's own faults thrown up in one's face in return because part of being one of god's homies is that one's faults really aren't faults because god made one that way. Or, as Miss Prejean said, "I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be. But these attacks on me and others who speak in defense of traditional marriage are intolerant and offensive."

Right. So, Miss Prejean, who is a "christian, and I am a model. Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos" is also allowed to be intolerant and offensive to the homos because that's the way god made her. Well, except for the boobs. Mentor Corporation made those.


Michelle Young Cuenant said...

It's quite hilarious as having been a model in Paris, a long time ago, the Swedes were, by far, the most beautiful, physically, and it all came with the goods to please, of course. So, when the "California Dreamin'" babe, took the stage to profess her sanctity and sensitivity and sexual castration of "all men", one must really give a hearty old yuck if not whimper. Who was that broad trying to leash? She left nothing to anyone's imagination on the stage, and one can only see the photos from the nekked of yesteryears in her teens! Jesus , my foot! The day she hops under the covers with Sessions, Rove or Cheney, she'll be totally pure, Republican, that is,but until then, her life is truly a stage and a cheap and stupid one, at that. So glad she was caught at her inane antics. Miss America, and Miss Universe are bad enough!

scripto said...

Uh, so did Sister say it was a sin or not or couldn't you hear the answer cause your ears were ringing from the whap upside the head? For the congregation of Holy Rosary it was more of a sacrament than a sin.

Ironicus Maximus said...

Sister proved prescient by invoking the Nixon Doctrine years before Nixon did and saying it wasn't a sin if the priest did it.

Then she whacked us again and told us to offer it up for the pagan babies in purgatory.

scripto said...

Pagan babies go to limbo. Sister was an apostate.