Wednesday, June 03, 2009

We'd Consider Them If They Weren't The "Marx" Brothers

We're coming to you today from the Department of Dreams Deferred here in the marbled halls of IM Central. DD is a division of the Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder Company in partnership with Come Back Shane, LLC.

It seems the republicans, eternal optimists that they are, believe they're going to win another election in our lifetimes, and are having a bit of a dilemma trying to decide what candidates to put forward. As our old daddy used to say, this is a bit like building a garage for your Mercedes Benz before you learn how to drive, but hey, America is all about hope right? Except hope is what they'll be running against, so let's get on with the story.

A new national poll of Republicans suggests that there's no clear white person at this extremely early moment in the next race for the White House. Like free medication day at the local psychiatric clinic, three potential candidates are fighting for first place in line according to a CNN/Opinion Research Corporation survey. "Well, it's three if you only count them and not the voices in their heads," said a CNN representative.

That would be Larry, Moe and Curly, right?

The survey suggests that 22 percent of Republicans able to count higher than the number of their fingers and toes would most likely support former Arkansas governor and former GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee for their party's presidential nomination in 2012.

Hmm...he's Larry we'd bet.

Twenty-one percent say they would most likely back Alaska governor and 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin because they saw that fake picture of her in a bikini and thought, there's the next leader of the free world.

Oh, Curly for sure.

An equal number support former Massachusetts governor, former White House hopeful and former whatever else you'd like him to be, Mitt Romney.

Now there's a Moe if we ever saw one.

The poll indicates that 13 percent of Republicans not in mental health institutions would back former House Speaker Newt Gingrich in 2012, with 6 percent supporting former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush because they confuse him with his brother. Ten percent of those questioned say they would most likely back someone else.

Someone else? Who's left, Abbot and Costello? Wait, we know: Pee Wee Herman. He's got the perv wing of the party locked up.

"Republicans typically nominate someone off probation who's run for president before, such as Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bob Dole, and John McCain. But since the party appears to be in trouble right, Republicans might want to do what Democrats typically do, and look for someone with an IQ greater than a field mouse," says CNN Senior Political Analyst Bill Schneider.

Oh Pee Wee, it's looking better and better.

The poll's release comes on the same day that Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he won't run next year for a third term. Pawlenty's decision to avoid a potentially difficult re-election bid in 2010 is seen by some political analysts as the first step in a possible presidential run in 2012.

Oh right, like he has a chance. He's never even been arrested and the Minneapolis airport is right down the street.

The poll's release also comes as Romney's recent schedule gives the impression of a man intent on wasting his children's inheritance again. Asked about a bid in 2012, Romney told Fox News that "I'm not going to close that door" — although, he added, "I'm not going to walk through it either."

So, on the issue of running for president, you are for it, except when you aren't. Well, at least you're consistent.

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