Thursday, June 11, 2009

Been This Way Since He Fell Off The Train Tres-Heaven

We're coming to you today from the Department of Unintended Consequences here in the marbled halls of IM Central. DoUC is a division of the Didn't Think That Through Corporation in partnership with Hooked On Phonics, Inc.

In this friendly little ranching town, "hello" is wearing out its welcome. And Leonso Canales Jr. is happy as heck. At his urging, the Kleberg County commissioners unanimously designated "heaven-o" as the county's official greeting. The reason: "hello" contains the word "hell."

In a related story, Mrs. Eustace Claiborne of Needham Rd was hospitalized in fair condition with minor burns and smoke inhalation after the Kleberg County Volunteer Fire Department was slow in responding to a blaze at her home. "She kept yelling 'heaven-p! heaven-p!'" said Chief Randy Slocum. "We thought it was some kind of crank call."

"When you go to school and church, they tell you 'hell' is negative and 'heaven' is positive,'" said the 56-year-old Canales, who owns the Kingsville Flea Market. "I think it's time that we set a new precedent, to tell our kids that we are positive adults."

Not all adults are convinced however. Mrs. Helen Wilcox, owner of Helen's Grill and Bar on Fox Road said she would not be changing the name of her business to Heaven-en's Grill and Bar. "Leo's a nice guy and all," she said. "I've known him since we were in third grade. He's just a sandwich or two shy of a picnic basket if you take my meaning."

Madolyn Musick, who runs a bookstore, insisted, and linguists would agree, that "hello" has nothing to do with "hell." Besides, she added, "What's wrong with, 'Howdy, y'all?'" Lester Milham, owner of Lester's Flight School agrees. "How many students am I going to attract by advertising Heaven-ocopter lessons?" he asked.

Courthouse employees were answering the phones, "heaven-o." And the chamber of commerce was working on a campaign promoting Kingsville, a Rio Grande Valley town of 25,000, as a "heavenly" place to visit. "People seem to think that it might catch on," said county Judge Pete De La Garza. "Course, we thought the same thing about the Fried Cauliflower Festival and that really didn't attract too many folks either."

Canales, a Catholic but not a regular churchgoer, has been as serious as heck about "hello" since 1988, when he suffered a closed head injury. He told his brother he might start greeting people with "God-o." His brother suggested "heaven-o" instead. "I was drunk at the time," Canales' brother admitted. "I really should have just kept my mouth shut. Leo's pretty impressionable since the accident. After we took him to see Toy Story he wanted to replace hello with "To Infinity and Beyond."


Anonymous said...

Funny yet scary.

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Just fucking stupid. As in, please tell me these people aren't making more babies.


Anonymous said...

Jesus...and I do mean Jesus....what are we to do with Devil's Food Cake and Deviled Eggs? Not everything can be Eggs Benedict or chicken tails better known as the Pope's Nose!
Eating, greeting , drinking ,breathing...this is what happens when people fear life and don't even think about crossing the street.
It's better know as President Bush.