Tuesday, June 30, 2009

BREAKING: Sanford Resigns As Governor

Accepts new position as national spokesperson for Pfizer Pharmaceuticals

Taking the baton from Bob Dole*

*No, we didn't mean it like that. clean up your mind, will you?

Monday, June 29, 2009

Will Those Of You Putting Bullets In The Collection Please Make Sure They're .25 Caliber Or Higher

Astute readers of this blog have no doubt been bitterly disappointed on numerous occasions...er...we mean probably have noticed that we are not what one would call fervent when it comes to relations vis-a-vis the big white man watching over us all from the penthouse in the sky. No, we're not talking about Donald Trump, we're talking about god: ruler of the universe; all seeing; all knowing; not a Cubs fan.

Yeah, that guy. Anyway, we've been thinking that if more churches we like the Right Reverend Billie Bob Bubba Pagano's we might reconsider, despite the fact that it's not really a real church anyway, because it doesn't have bingo in Latin. Or something. But back to our story:

Ken Pagano, the pastor of the New Bethel Church in Louisville, Kentucky (You knew it had to be in Kentucky, right?) is inviting his congregation of 150 and others not on probation to wear or carry their firearms into the sanctuary to “incentivize the collection plate” as a promotional flier for the “Pop a Cap on Satan Sunday” puts it.

“God and guns were part of the foundation of this country,” Mr. Pagano, 49, said. "Especially when it came to dealing with non-christians like the heathen Indians. If you don't go for god, you get the gun, hallelujah! Praise that straight shooting deity!"

“I don’t see any contradiction in this," Pagano continued. "And it's not about compensation either, despite what Mrs. Pagano might have told you. Not every Christian denomination is pacifist. Oh sure, Christ was a pacifist, but we're all about the old testament around here. Now watch me lay some smite on that pop can over there.”

The bring-your-gun-to-church day, which will include a $1 raffle of a handgun, firearms safety lessons and a picnic. "Hey, we're going to talk about god too," Pagano said. "The title of my sermon is 'Reloaders: Second Coming, or Antichrist?'"

Of the 40 states with right-to-carry laws, 20 allow guns in churches because, why not? "Helps the little kids sit still longer, when you lay a shotgun across the pulpit before you start your sermon," said Pagano.

Gun-control advocates say they feel increasingly ineffective, especially after a recent spate of high-profile shootings, including last month’s murder, inside a church in Kansas, of a doctor who performed late-term abortions. "Yeah, how about that for the wrath of god, huh?" Pagano said. "And all you catholics got is some lame excommunication stuff. Doesn't even leave a mark."

Mr. Pagano said Sheriff’s deputies will be at the doors to check that openly carried firearms are unloaded, but they will not check for concealed weapons.“That’s the whole point of concealed,” he said. "What if someone spots another abortionist?"

Mr. Pagano said the church’s insurance company, which he would not identify, had canceled the church’s policy for the day and told him that it would cancel the policy for good at the end of the year. "Apparently there's some clause about 'reckless endangerment,' even though I told them we'd all be sober. Well, most of us anyway."

In 1986, John Phillips, pastor of the Central Church of Christ in Little Rocks was preaching in a different church there when a gunman shot him and a parishioner. Both survived, but Mr. Phillips, 51, still has a bullet lodged in his spine. In a telephone interview, he said he found the idea of “packing in the pew” abhorrent. “I don’t understand how any minister who is familiar with the teachings of the Bible can do this,” he added. “Jesus didn’t say, ‘Go ahead, make my day.’ ”

Mr. Pagano takes such comments as a challenge to his faith and says they make him more determined. “When someone from within the church tells me that being a Christian and having firearms are contradictions, that they’re incompatible with the Gospel — baloney,” he said. "Of course, having a gun and bringing that gun to church really aren't the same thing, but whatever, imagine if Jesus had a Glock when he cleaned out the moneychangers in the temple. Bet the Romans would have thought twice before nailing him up then, huh? That's the kind of christianity I'm talking about!"

Oh right, like we're going to take religious advice from someone with 'pagan' in his name.

The Reverend thinks he hears Satan out by the dumpster

Friday, June 26, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

Ah, President Hopey. He's really infected the whole country hasn't he? Even the overlords are caught up in the brighter tomorrow mania that swept the country like the Mexican pig fever when we elected our first Muslim president.

Take the overlords in Massachusetts, for example. Last November the good people of the state said bag it, animal exploiters by a 56 to 44 margin. But did that stop the overlords from clinging to the belief that they could prolong their heartless, inhumane "sport" and thus keep out of the job market for a little longer?

What do you think?

First they tried to get the local government to ignore the results of the election, then they tried to get the legislature to delay implementation of the racing ban until Jesus comes back.

No luck.

Now, at this point you might think a rational person would finally be able to read the writing on the wall and accept that in a democracy, majority does indeed rule.

Well, you might think that, but if you did it would be an indication that you do not have the ability to delude yourself to the degree necessary to be an overlord, because now they've decided to try and convince a judge that the whole election was a fraud.

A dog racing industry group petitioned in Lynn District Court for a judicial inquiry into allegations that proponents of last year's winning ballot referendum banning greyhound racing committed election fraud. "We think that if the people had really known how pitiful, and basically useless to society we are, they would have voted to let us keep sucking our trailer payments off the dogs, " said Doug Pizzi spokesman for the industry group Protection of Working Animals and Handlers Especially the Handlers.

"Right now, the ultimate goal is to call attention to the fact that this campaign had some issues," said Pizzi. "And I don't mean the heartless exploitation of innocent animals issue, or the devastating injuries issue, or the the cruel deaths issue. I mean the fact that if this thing goes through, I'm going to have to start working for a living issue."

Right on, Mr. Pizzi we couldn't agree more. After all, we're talking about a vibrant industry here, we're talking about the future, right Twin River spokeswoman Patti Doyle?

UTGR Inc., the operator of Twin River Greyhound Park, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection as it struggles to repay more than $500 million in debt. The facility will remain open as it restructures its debt, although it hopes to discontinue greyhound racing. "We figure if we can attract enough rubes with the slots, we might make it, but the dogs? Got to go."

What? How can this be? How can you say that when the overlords right next door in Massachusetts are fighting so hard to keep greyhound racing as a viable option in a world where there are too few options for good clean family fun?

Besides its debts, Twin River has been losing about $10.5 million a year from greyhound racing, Doyle said. It plans to suspend racing after Aug. 8. "We cannot continue to undertake it," Doyle said. "It's a dying industry."

You must be misinformed, Ms. Doyle. Why, if you end dog racing, it will drive away your loyal customer base, right Mr. Audette?

"I never thought about betting on the dogs," said Ron Audette, a 69-year-old who makes the drive from Fall River, Mass., twice a month to play video slots. "I don't think the dogs make it a big deal."

See? See? He's from Massachusetts, and now that they are getting rid of greyhound racing, he drives all the way to Rhode Island to...uh...not bet on the dogs.

OK, bad example. Help us out here Zipper.

Zip is a very affectionate gentleman. He is a greyhound-mix, with glowing green eyes, shorter snout and a short tail. In his manner, though, he is 100% greyhound (except that his nose doesn’t drip!) Like other greys, he ‘roos’ and talks a lot, especially when he’d like a snack. Zip is also a major love bug and loves to crawl onto your lap if you are on the sofa. He is always a very mellow and calm boy. Zip would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. He is a barker and will bark quite a lot when left at home. So he needs a single family home so he doesn’t disturb the neighbors. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Kerry Wilson My Friend Don't Start Away Uneasy

Regular readers of this blog have learned that to expect the knock of opportunity at their door is to expect a Mercedes E class in their box of Crackerjacks...er...we mean have been regaled with many times with tales from our time as inmates of the local ecucorporate training facility. We were, without putting too fine a point on it, not the most grateful recipients of the knowledge showered down upon us by our educational technicians.

Back in the day when a teacher suspected one of the miscreants was carrying contraband, said delinquent was usually confronted, some sort of arrangement was made concerning how shares of the alleged contraband would be distributed amongst the faculty and student body, and life went on. And life was good.

Now, in these times of zero tolerance and too many educational overlords watching too many episodes of 24, things are somewhat different.

The Supreme Court ruled that a school's strip search of an Arizona teenage girl accused of having prescription-strength ibuprofen was illegal.

We'd like to step in here as card carrying members of the educorporate industrial complex and say in our experience nothing is more disruptive to the learning environment than a kid high on ibuprofen.

Savana Redding, who now attends college, was 13 when officials at Safford Middle School ordered her to remove her clothes and shake out her underwear because they were looking for pills — the equivalent of two Advils.

It's a well known fact among educators that when parents send kids to school who may not be feeling well, they often tell them to hide their medication in their panties. Elizabeth Arlen used to hide her M&M's there because candy wasn't allowed in Sister Arnulfa's classroom. They may not melt in your hand but...well...let's get back to our story.

"What was missing from the suspected facts that pointed to Savana was any indication of danger to the students from the power of the drugs or their quantity, and any reason to suppose that Savana was carrying pills in her underwear," Justice David Souter wrote in the majority opinion. "We think that the combination of these deficiencies was fatal to finding the search reasonable. And finally, the court would be interested to know how long the parents of students at Safford Middle School have known their vice principal is a perv."

Hey, he is the "vice" principal. Yeah, we know. Old joke, but the classics are classic for a reason.

In a dissent, Justice Clarence Thomas found the search legal and said the court previously had given school officials "considerable leeway" under the Fourth Amendment in school settings. "Nothing wrong with looking at booty in the line of duty," Justice Thomas wrote. "Got any photos?"

Thomas warned that the majority's decision could backfire. "Redding would not have been the first person to conceal pills in her undergarments," he said. "Nor will she be the last after today's decision, which announces the safest place to secrete contraband in school."

Hey Clarence, did you read the brief? There were no pills in her underwear, that's the whole point. If they had found something she'd be in jail now, like the rest of kids we don't feel like dealing with.

The court also ruled the officials cannot be held liable in a lawsuit for the search. "Look, you want to hire perverts to run your schools, you deal with them, we got tee times up here," wrote Justice Scalia.

Previously, a federal magistrate dismissed a suit by Redding and her mother, April. "Kids don't have rights," the judge wrote. An appeals panel agreed that the search didn't violate her rights. "Plus she's a girl," the panel added. But last July, a full panel of the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals found the search was "an invasion of constitutional rights" and that Vice Principal Kerry Wilson could be found personally liable. "What are you guys, republicans, or christians, or both?" the appeals Court wrote of the previous decisions. "Where we come from pervs don't get a free ride just because they have a title in front of their name. Well, maybe if the title is Congressman, but that's not the point."

The Supreme Court agreed.

Well, except for Justice Thomas, but then, we sort of knew he wouldn't.

Safford Middle School Vice Principal Kerry Wilson leaves the Court Building after the decision

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Milk Carton Mark

OK, think about this: If you were a republican wouldn't you want to disappear right about now? We mean, come on. "Less popular than Dick Cheney"? We don't care how delusional you are, that has got to hurt. So why the big brouhaha when South Carolina governor Mark Sanford went walkabout?

Governor Sanford was in Argentina during a days long unexplained absence, not hiking the Appalachian Trail as his staff told the public when state leaders raised questions about his whereabouts. "Argentina, Appalachia, whatever," said an aide to the governor. "The guy's governor of South Carolina, not chair of the Geography Department at Harvard."

The Republican governor said he decided at the last minute to go to the South American country. Sanford explained he had considered hiking on the Appalachian Trail but wanted to do someone exotic.

The governor's wife, Jenny Sanford, told The Associated Press she had not seen him since Thursday but was not concerned because he'd told her he wanted to get away and do some writing.

"Writing." So that's what the kids are calling it these days.

The governor's spokesman, Joel Sawyer, said Sanford wanted to get away to clear his head after the legislative session, during which he had to stay sober for over two weeks. "Leave us to our privacy," Jenny Sanford said. "And if you hear all kinds of yelling and screaming and dishes breaking when that good for nothing, no account, lazy cracker gets back here, ignore that too."

When asked at the airport why his staff said he was on the Appalachian Trail, Sanford replied, "I don't know. Maybe when I told them I wanted to be on Amanda Françozo they misunderstood. "

Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer said he was concerned that the governor's staff lied about Sanford's whereabouts, adding that if they didn't know where he was they should have said so. "For his staff to lie to the people of South Carolina and say he was one place when in fact he wasn't, that concerns me," Bauer said. "Course, I've instructed my staff to say I'm in a meeting when I really passed out drunk back behind the Grounds keeper's shed, so maybe it isn't that big of a deal after all."

Sanford has been a fan of Argentina for years. While in Congress and since he's said that nation's Social Security system has a model the U.S. should follow.

Um...that would be this social security system?

The governor has long been known as a loner — bucking GOP leadership during three U.S. House terms and casting the only dissenting vote on Medicaid coverage for some breast and cervical cancer treatment.

"Really?" asked Jenny Sanford. "I did not know that. When did you say he was getting back again?"

Who was in charge became the political and practical question. Essentially, Sanford's staffers said they'd decide who to call if an emergency popped up and the governor couldn't be reached. The state's constitution says a temporary absence would give the lieutenant governor full authority in the state.

Hey, come on, this is South Carolina," said Senate President Pro Tem Glenn McConnell. "Most of the time we're down by the crick fishing anyways. Something was to happen, might be a day or two fer we heard about it anyways."

Well, whatever. There's an easy way to verify the whole story: LET'S SEE THE STAMP ON THE PASSPORT DUDE!!!1!!!

And we mean the real passport too, not a copy from the department of fake documents in Hawaii like that alien Muslim communist who tricked us into being president.

Update: Wow. We were just riffing on that whole family values republican horn dog meme with that "...but wanted to do someone exotic" thing. Turns out we were right. Dang! We have got to blog sober more often! This could be a career!


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

In Which Ironicus Takes The Day Off Courtesy of Pat Buchanan

Oh, uncle Pat, you are such a card! Noogies on you, you rapscallion you! Frequent readers of this blog may remember a time when life didn't press down on them like a massive gray obelisk of despair...erm...we mean may remember a few days back when we discoursed on our good friend whom we don't know Pat, Throw 'Em Back In The Ocean Buchanan and his disquisition on Judge Sotomayor and her lack of capacity with the King's English. Well, not a King, more like a President's English. Well, not this President but you get the point.

So it turns our Mr. Buchanan decided to host a conference the other day with certain like minded individuals in which Judge Sotomayor's lack of language facility was again brought up to the amusement of all attending. Below is the banner under which these loquacious literacy linguaphiles cast their aspersions on the good judge:

That's Patty on the left next to some racist dude who just wandered in because he heard people singing Dixie. Check out the spelling of conference...er...we mean conferenece.

See, a "conferenece" is a conference for white people and if you don't understand, you're probably bilingual or something.

Hey Patty boy, here's sign for you:

Have a nice day, avetrol.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Let Them Eat Cake. If They Can Afford It

You know it's times like these we are proud to be Americans. Sure times are tough, people are hurting and the cold winds of despair blow across the land, but anyone can be an American when times are good. It's times like these that real Americans step forward. Americans who embody all the great principals that have made this nation a beacon to the rest of the world. Americans like Cynthia Davis who doesn't just look at injustice and say "Why?" She looks at injustice and says, "Why not?"

So when the Missouri Department of Health and Senior Services says, "current economic woes make Summer Food Service Program more important than ever," she's the first to speak up:
The implication suggests that during a recession, parents don’t give their children nutritious food.
Right. Why should we believe pesky government bureaucrats always up in our grill saying things like 12.9% of the population in Missouri is food insecure; there's a 13.0% Poverty Rate; and a 17.7% Child Poverty Rate.
The reverse may be true. During hard times, many families find it even more important to pull together. Families may economize by choosing to not waste hard earned dollars on potato chips, ice cream, or Twinkies. Perhaps some families will buy more beans and chicken and less sweets.
Of course it "may" "perhaps" also be true that during hard times families "economize" by just not eating at all so they can "waste hard earned dollars" on things like rent, electricity, gas and other non-essentials.
Is school the only place a child can get a nutritious meal? Parents have good reason to dispute the idea that their children will not receive a nutritious meal if they are not in a government institution.
Darn straight. All those kids who qualify for reduced lunches and such are just going to be hanging out at the MacDonalds now that school is out. Besides, Missouri is only seventh in the states with the highest percentage of food insecurity. How do you think we're going to get to number one if we keep feeding all these hungry little ragamuffins? Besides, kids in Missouri have it pretty good as it is.
Most parents put their children first, even ahead of themselves no matter what. If parents are laid off, that doesn’t mean they stop feeding their children, at least not any of the parents I know. Laid off parents could adapt by preparing more home cooked meals rather than going out to eat.
We couldn't agree more. Can't tell you how many times we've been in LoRusso's Cucina and here comes Tom and Ma Joad with their brood in for a batch of Fettuccine Pollo Asiago. And they get the wrong wine too.
They are using a “crisis” to create an expansion of a government program. Parents naturally love their children and enjoy caring for their children just as much as ever during an economic downturn.
People think government is the answer to everything. So what if parents are feeding their kids yesterday's Mac and cheese for breakfast because that's all that was on sale down at the Piggly Wiggly. They're doing it with love.
This program could have an unintended consequence of diminishing parental involvement. Why have meals at home with your loved ones if you can go to the government soup kitchen and get one for free?
Right again. Nothing breaks up a family faster then parents sending their kids down to feast on the government dime while they sit home and eat mud cookies. And gourmet mud cookies too, you know the ones where the dirt is trucked in from Hinche?
The estimated expense for all of these “free” meals for 2009 summer months is $9.8 million. The cost of each lunch meal is $3.1825, the cost of each breakfast is $1.8150, and the cost of each supplement is $0.7525. (They call a snack a “supplement”.) (Source: USDA Food and Nutrition Service/ Summer Food Service Program/ Reimbursement Rates for 2009). That money is coming from us.
Holy crap! Our tax dollars are going to feed hungry people? Who is responsible for this boondoggle? We can't afford this and the Center for Borane Technology too.

What is borane, anyway?
While nobody is disputing the benefits of nutritious food, why the presumption that parents are not providing nutritious food for their children? Even if they are not, who created a new rule that says government must make up for any lack at home?
Yeah. Suck it up kid. You think government is your mommy? Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, those are for old people. If you're hungry, get a job. Just because your parents are out of work doesn't mean you have to be.
The problem of childhood obesity has been cited as one of the most rapidly growing health problems in America. People who are struggling with lack of food usually do not have an obesity problem.
See? Hunger is really a government sponsored health program.
Hunger can be a positive motivator.
Sure can. Just ask Oliver Twist.

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

Friday, June 19, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, you know what's fun? No, not that. Well, OK that is fun, but that's not what we meant. Look, clean it up a little will you? This is a family blog, not a republican senate caucus. Besides, there are probably some states where that's still illegal, even among consenting adults.

Now, where were we? Oh yeah, fun. Fun is watching the overlords sputter and spume every time a citizen writes into the local paper and points out that they are pilonidal cysts on the buttocks of polite society.

Case in point: Average citizen Ms. Susan McDowell took time out of her busy day working and making a positive contribution to society to opine in the Nashua Telegraph that having the state keep making the overlords' trailer payments was not the best way to invest int he future.
Live dog racing costs the state half a million dollars a year because it is no longer self-sufficient. We, the taxpayers, are forced to subsidize this private business activity much to our detriment.
Ouch. Overlords hate it when someone points out that they are net losses to their communities, right overlord commenter Lisa?
Ms. McDowell, where is your source that Grey Hound Racing is costing NH $500K???
Um...well, We guess the best source would be your very own Legislature, Miss overlord, ma'am. You know, the place where they make the laws and stuff?
New Hampshire's House of Representatives passed a budget amendment requiring dog tracks to start paying the costs of their own regulation. The tracks must either compensate the state one half million dollars a year, or suspend all live racing activities.
If you're an overlord, you need to maintain a fantasy that your chosen profession isn't the heartless, inhumane exploitation of innocent living creatures that it is, so you make up stuff to avoid the fact that you are barely human. The problem is overlords assume other people make up stuff too, so they tend to ask questions about obvious facts as overlord Lisa has done. It sort of goes with the job.

The other thing that overlords hate is when you impugn the care they give the units...er...dogs As Ms. McDowell writes:
They also endure lives of terrible confinement, kept for 20 or more hours each day in cages barely large enough to turn around. Is this any way to treat man’s best friend?
Care to answer that question overlord Mike Cavanaugh?
Yikes.... Talk about propganda (sic). 20 hours in a cage. Sorry Susan, that is to be politically correct 'misinformation" And if I may dare to be so unpolitcally (sic) correct your intentally (sic) telling a falt (sic) out lie. How many familys (sic) place the "family pet" in a crate for several hours while their at work, perhaps add an hour ot (sic) two for shopping, pick up the kids or cash your check.
For those of you watching at home, "politically correct" is a high overlord insult, right up there with "high school graduate" which, from the spelling and grammar, you can see Mr. Cavanaugh handily avoided.

Also, if you put your pet in a crate with its favorite pillow, some toys and water for a few hours, then play with it when you get home, feed it good food, take it to the Veterinarian for shots and dental care, and maybe even let it sleep at the foot of the bed and have furniture privileges, that's the same as cramming up to 80 dogs on top of one another in wire crates with shredded newspaper as bedding, leaving them there until you take them en masse to an exercise yard, or cram them in a transporter to take to another track and sit in another crate until they have to race, day after day, year after year until the dog is used up.

Sort of like the similarity between going into your walk-in closet in the morning and standing there for a few minutes trying to decide what to wear, and being confined to a 6' x 8' cell on death row.

Another thing the overlords hate is when someone has the temerity to remind them that most people think the world would be a much better place if they actually contributed something of value, like when Ms. McDowell writes:
A Granite State Poll by the University of New Hampshire shows that 83 percent of state citizens support a budget amendment requiring dog tracks to either stop racing dogs or begin repaying the state the cost of regulation. The same poll also shows that 59 percent believe dog racing should be made a crime.
Overlords hate when that happens, right Santa's Little Helper?
I would like to see the details of that UNH poll to see how you are twisting these facts around. For you to quote statistics without the data to back it up is worthless.
Er...statistics are data SLH (may we call you SLH?). And as for the survey, well it wasn't done by the CIA, we mean, you can look it up yourself. Here, we'll help.

And finally, sometimes the overlords just get so flummoxed when a mirror is held up to them, they don't know what to say, but feel they need to say something, so you get responses like this one from overlord Peter:
Obama killed a fly. Why don't you go worry about that instead of greyhound racing.
Snappy overlord comebacks. Bet you heard a lot of that in the kennel, right Zillie?

Zillie seems very submissive. She is afraid if you carry a broom or something over your head. She is cautious, but will approach for pets and likes affection. Zillie would do well in a working family home, with well mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other average to larger size dogs and is fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

This Is Great News for Republicans

OK look, you all just need to get off of senator Ensign's back. Or front if you happen to be Cindy Hampton. Whatever. Our point is outing a run of the mill, good old all American, god fearing adulterer is the best thing that has happened to the republican party since Newt Gingrich divorced his cancer-ridden wife to take up with a floozy, then dumped her for another floozy, giving him the Grand Old Party trophy wife trifecta.

And while we're at it we'd just like to add that Gingrich's moral leadership during the Clinton Lewinsky scandal kept this country from flying totally off the rails. Thanks Newt.

But back to Ensign. See, this is good. All he was doing was being a truly hetero horn dog and diddling the help--the female help we might add. He wasn't trolling the gay hangouts, chatting up the kids, or going full metal perv.

By god, the guy was doinking the way man was intended to doink. Well, except for that whole being married thing, but that's what separations are for. Sure there was a little...um...overlap from time to time, but so what? You think he's NASA or something? He's not trying to hit Mars 36 million miles away travelling at seven miles a second. He's trying to hit Cindy in the next office over before the receptionist gets back from lunch. All we're saying is give the guy a little wiggle room.

That has several layers of meaning, doesn't it? Man! We should blog sober more often.

But back to the story. What we're saying is because this scandal is so typical, so ordinary, so mundane, the republicans are having trouble dealing with it. When you're used to defending closeted homos, pedophiles and fetishists, coping with a guy who cheated on his wife kind of comes at you out of the blue. Which is why...

Cindy Hampton and her husband issued sharp remarks through an attorney."It is unfortunate the senator chose to air this very personal matter, especially after the Hamptons did everything possible to keep this matter private," Las Vegas lawyer Daniel Albregts said in the statement. "It is equally unfortunate that he did so without concern for the effect such an announcement would have on the Hampton family." The lawyer declined to answer questions the first of which was "What's their side of the story?"

An Associated Press review of federal records showed that around the time of the affair, Cindy Hampton, 46, received a promotion and a pay raise at one political entity controlled by Ensign and a pay raise at a second. Her husband, Doug, was an employee in Ensign's Senate office, and a golfing buddy.

Yeah. Promotion and pay raise. What's wrong with that? After all, she was working ...ahem...overtime. But dude, you sure you want to be around a guy with a bag full of clubs out in a secluded area when you're throwing the schlong to his wife?

"Our families were close. That closeness put me into situations which led to my inappropriate behavior," Ensign said.

No kidding. Nude volleyball tournaments will do that.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

The Real Cause Of Demonstrations In Iran

We have to admit that sometimes events spiral by us so fast it's hard to keep up, particularly after an adult beverage or two. North Korea, Iran, the economy, health care.

Forget that stuff.

We're talking about Miss California.

Turns out she wasn't fired for being a god fearing, Jesus loving, homo hating stripper.

Oh wait, she was.

That Donald Trump. He's such a tease.

But wait! What's this? A nefarious plot! Holy Waterproof Mascara Batman! To the Bat Cave.

The former Miss California's lawyer, Charles LiMandri, is going on the offensive against state pageant organization and director Keith Lewis, claiming to E! News that Lewis plotted Prejean's downfall by knowingly sending her lists of events and opportunities that were beyond the typical expected duties. "Dress herself. Be on time within an hour. Stuff like that," LiMandri said. "She's Miss California fer chrissakes, not Miss Einstein."

"There was really a lack for trust and a lack of respect," LiMandri says. "He (Lewis) was trying to set her up. Keith Lewis and Shanna Moakler wanted her out, pure and simple. They finally found a way to get their way."

Apparently Donald Trump, the big lug, is just a kind of guy who lets bygones be bygones, forcing his employees to go behind his back and dump the bi...er...we mean let Miss Prejean go. Probably happens all the time.

"She had just gotten a request to do a Playboy shoot with partial nudity—this was several days after [Donald] Trump reinstates her," LiMandri says. "[Lewis] knew she wouldn't do that stuff, and he's trying to set her up."

Wait. There's a relationship between the Miss USA Pageant and Playboy? How can this be? Does Playboy fund the scholarship or something?

"Some of the things were such short notice, like that day or the next day, that they couldn't expect her to do it anyhow," he argues. "I mean come on. It takes her two hours just to get her makeup on, and if there's no one around to tell her what shoes go with what dress, well it's just a disaster that's all."

One specific event Prejean rejected was in blatant opposition to her politics: a movie premiere about same-sex marriage.

Now that's just funny, we don't care where you're from.

She said, 'I'm just not comfortable doing that.' I wrote back to [Lewis'] attorney saying, 'She won't do the pro-traditional marriage stuff as Miss California. But don't ask her to do the pro-same-sex marriage stuff either,'" LiMandri told reporters.

Right. She does the pro-traditional marriage stuff as Phyllis Shafley and the same sex marriage stuff as Hester Prynne. It's really quite a performance. There's also a abstinence only puppet show during intermission.

LiMandri also insists that if Lewis and the Miss California organization do not stop speaking ill of Prejean, he will have no choice but to file a lawsuit against them.

Keith Lewis told reporters referring to her as an "ignorant slut" was actually a hip cultural reference meant as a compliment.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Pat Buchanan: The White Man's Martin Luther King

You know, we've always liked Pat Buchanan. He reminds of of Uncle Andy. Uncle Andy was convinced there was a vast conspiracy of minorities that kept getting him fired. His favorite saying was "I went back down to (fill in last place he worked) and you know what? They hired a (fill in minority)!" We've removed the colorful Anglo-Saxon expletives and southern slang references to ethnic heritage, but you get the picture. Aunt Tilly was more persuaded it was Uncle Andy's drinking that kept getting him fired, but you couldn't convince Uncle Andy of that. Not even when he was sober. Which wasn't too often.

So every time old Pat trundles himself out onto the sound stage at MSNBC to bemoan the fact that The Man is holding whitey back we think of Uncle Andy who went to his grave convinced a black dude had bumped him off the liver transplant list.

That's why we couldn't wait to read what Buchanan had to say about the nomination of Judge Sotomayor. We weren't disappointed.
Having lost the Congress in 2006 and the White House in 2008, Republicans are looking to redefine themselves for a nation that still leans conservative but is less Republican that it has been in decades.
Umm...Pat? Would that be this conservative leaning country? And is the reason the country is less republican because these folks are the only ones left?
No one has brought forth the slightest evidence she has the intellectual candlepower to sit on the Roberts court.
Well, except these guys. And these guys. Oh, and what about the guy who gave her a job in the first place?
Sotomayor got into Princeton, got her No. 1 ranking, was whisked into Yale Law School and made editor of the Yale Law Review -- all because she was a Hispanic woman.
Really? She didn't, like have to go to classes and take tests and write papers and stuff. What? Was she on the football team or something?
This is bigotry pure and simple. To salve their consciences for past societal sins, the Ivy League is deep into discrimination again, this time with white males as victims rather than as beneficiaries.
Hey, come on Pat. Columbia's not a bad school. Sure, it's no Yale, but then your daddy wasn't the president, was he?
One prefers the old bigotry. At least it was honest, and not, as Abraham Lincoln observed, adulterated "with the base alloy of hypocrisy."
No kidding. That hypocrisy is a lot of work, right Pat? What happened to the good old days when you rely on sunset laws to keep you safe at night? Now black folks and other non-whites can go anywhere they please, any time of day or night. The Founding Fathers must be twirling in their graves.
Republican senators should use this Sotomayor nomination to put affirmative action in the dock for what it is -- race-based bigotry against white males so that persons of color can receive the rewards of society that they could not win in free and fair competition.
Darn straight Pat. Why, if it wasn't for affirmative action we wouldn't have a black president right now. Well, affirmative action and 63 million votes.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

You know what this country needs to get back on its feet? People who believe in the power of entrepreneurship. People who dream of a better tomorrow, and who aren't afraid to risk everything to make that dream come true. People like Phil Ruffin.

The owner of two closed dog tracks has asked state regulators to delay revoking their licenses while he tries to persuade legislators to give the tracks more slot machine revenue to help make them profitable. "The farther we can move dog racing tracks away from the dog racing business, the more likely they are to make a buck," Ruffin told reporters.

Right. The last thing greyhound racing needs is, well, greyhounds. Not everyone is so forward looking though, and that's where guidance from well informed state legislators committed to the well being of their citizens is needed.

The Rhode Island Senate has passed a bill that would extend greyhound racing at Twin River from 125 days to 200 days. Hooray for progressive legislation! And what will be the increase in benefits that will accrue to the citizens of Rhode Island as a result of this brave action in the senate?

Since March 2008, however, when they first defaulted on their loan payments, Twin River’s owners have been struggling to keep their lenders and contractors at bay while avoiding bankruptcy court and to plug an estimated $30-million hole in their operating budget. On May 5, Twin River announced plans to suspend greyhound racing after running the minimum 125 days of racing required to keep its license. The end date is Aug. 8.

Oh pish tosh. We're sure that 30 million dollar hole can be filled with an extra 75 days of racing no one comes to. We mean, look at the success they're having in New Hampshire.

During these tough economic times when residents of the state are losing their jobs and health care, it only makes sense that New Hampshire release the taxpayers from bailing out failing and unprofitable industries. Unfortunately, the only senators in addition to Bradley to vote yes on the proposal for racetracks to pay the cost of their own regulation and save the state approximately $500,000 were Jack Barnes, Peter Bragdon, Sharon Carson, Ted Gatsas, Harold Janeway, Bob Letourneau and Bob Odell.

Umm...OK, bad example. Let's take a trip out to Arizona.

Few things have dodged the budgetary ax this year, as conservative Republicans milk a rare opportunity to gut the social contract; everything from education to prenatal care has been on the block. But somehow, one local welfare project seems to have avoided this fiscal bloodbath. For nearly 15 years, Tucson Greyhound Park and other Arizona racing facilities have gotten an almost-free tax ride, thanks to the generous citizens of our fair state.
Lawmakers created a tax exemption for simulcast-race wagering, allowed the tracks special deductions for capital improvements and instituted a "hardship tax credit," which often allows them to avoid paying any taxes at all.

There. See what a concerned and committed state legislature can do? We mean, can't we all agree that being an overlord is a "hardship?" Come on, there's the social stigma, the lack of empathy, low self esteem, constant buzzing in your head and poor dental hygiene. If that's not hardship, we don't know what is.

According to the Arizona Department of Racing, in fiscal year 1995—the last year before the subsidies took effect—the state received nearly $9 million in revenues from horse and dog tracks. In 2008, because of the exemptions, that sum shrank to about $430,000. A 2007 review by the Arizona Office of the Auditor General revealed that exemptions and tax credits for the racing industry cost the state $44 million in revenues between 2001 and 2006.

Oh, sure it sounds bad when you say it like that, but what about all those overlords who didn't have to go into the job market? What about all those dogs who were forced to run their hearts out and then die in the desert, huh? What about them? We say 44 million is a small price to pay for that kind of return, right Monty?

Poker Run, AKA Monty warmed the foster family’s heart the minute he came into the house. He will come up for affection; he likes to get right up into your lap. He’s a really sweet boy. Monty would do well in a working family home, with well-mannered teenagers. He would do well with other dogs of any size, but it’s not necessary. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Editor's Note: I'd like to thank those who sent a kind words after last week's Friday Hound Blogging. I haven't been able to bring myself to revisit that post since I wrote it, so I may not have seen them all, but I appreciate you taking the time to send some sympathy our way. Rollie roamed the marbled halls of IM Central for 14 of his 15 years, so he's left a pretty big hole in our lives, and our hearts. You get through by remembering the good times, though, don't you?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Been This Way Since He Fell Off The Train Tres-Heaven

We're coming to you today from the Department of Unintended Consequences here in the marbled halls of IM Central. DoUC is a division of the Didn't Think That Through Corporation in partnership with Hooked On Phonics, Inc.

In this friendly little ranching town, "hello" is wearing out its welcome. And Leonso Canales Jr. is happy as heck. At his urging, the Kleberg County commissioners unanimously designated "heaven-o" as the county's official greeting. The reason: "hello" contains the word "hell."

In a related story, Mrs. Eustace Claiborne of Needham Rd was hospitalized in fair condition with minor burns and smoke inhalation after the Kleberg County Volunteer Fire Department was slow in responding to a blaze at her home. "She kept yelling 'heaven-p! heaven-p!'" said Chief Randy Slocum. "We thought it was some kind of crank call."

"When you go to school and church, they tell you 'hell' is negative and 'heaven' is positive,'" said the 56-year-old Canales, who owns the Kingsville Flea Market. "I think it's time that we set a new precedent, to tell our kids that we are positive adults."

Not all adults are convinced however. Mrs. Helen Wilcox, owner of Helen's Grill and Bar on Fox Road said she would not be changing the name of her business to Heaven-en's Grill and Bar. "Leo's a nice guy and all," she said. "I've known him since we were in third grade. He's just a sandwich or two shy of a picnic basket if you take my meaning."

Madolyn Musick, who runs a bookstore, insisted, and linguists would agree, that "hello" has nothing to do with "hell." Besides, she added, "What's wrong with, 'Howdy, y'all?'" Lester Milham, owner of Lester's Flight School agrees. "How many students am I going to attract by advertising Heaven-ocopter lessons?" he asked.

Courthouse employees were answering the phones, "heaven-o." And the chamber of commerce was working on a campaign promoting Kingsville, a Rio Grande Valley town of 25,000, as a "heavenly" place to visit. "People seem to think that it might catch on," said county Judge Pete De La Garza. "Course, we thought the same thing about the Fried Cauliflower Festival and that really didn't attract too many folks either."

Canales, a Catholic but not a regular churchgoer, has been as serious as heck about "hello" since 1988, when he suffered a closed head injury. He told his brother he might start greeting people with "God-o." His brother suggested "heaven-o" instead. "I was drunk at the time," Canales' brother admitted. "I really should have just kept my mouth shut. Leo's pretty impressionable since the accident. After we took him to see Toy Story he wanted to replace hello with "To Infinity and Beyond."

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Does Spelling Count?

Time once again to look in on that whacky crew of rascals, the republican presidential wannabes and see what hi jinks they're involved in this week. You may remember, when last we visited crazy town, Sarah "In what way, Charlie" Palin was explaining to the gathered masses the path along which the party of Lincoln must travel if it is to once again stink up the corridors of power...er...we mean take a dump on participatory democracy...no...sail the ship of state smartly into the bay of incompetence...ah heck, let's let governor glamorous tell it:
"And there was that media slant this go round," she said. "And unless things change, the GOP had really better can stand together, 'cause we got that on the battlefield also. I call it like I see it and like I lived it on the campaign trail. Not complaining, but dealing with reality."
Couldn't have put it more clearly ourselves. Well, not after an evening of heaving drinking anyway. And maybe some recreational pharmaceuticals. But look over there. Mitt Romney's having an essay contest!

Now, as card carrying members of the educorporate complex with a special interest in language issues, essay contests always attract our attention. We mean, what could be better as a teaching tool? It's got all the positives with none of the negatives! Meaningless topic that has little or no connection to students' lives? Check. Vaguely worded standards and anonymous judges? Check. Competition with nameless, faceless others? Check. Could you ask for a better pedagogical situation? We don't think so. Oh, and cash!

Our pencils are a quiver with anticipation. What's the topic?
This movement isn't about my dad or any one candidate that we're supporting, however. It's about you. And we want to hear what these ideals mean to you. That’s why today I’m announcing a mini-essay contest. A 250-words-or-less answer to the question "What does a free and strong America mean to you?"
Umm...you guys moving to Australia? Hmm...245 words to go. OK, motivate us. What's the prize?
The best submission will receive an all-expense paid trip for 2 to join me in the Romney family seats at Fenway Park for a Red Sox game.
Uh oh. We're not so sure we like the idea of Mitt arranging our transportation. Maybe we'll settle for second place. What do the runners up get?
And four runner-ups will receive a baseball personally autographed by my dad.
Yeah. Ah, that's sort of like having Ted Williams autograph your copy of The Great Gatsby, but what the heck, we'll take a shot. What do we do first?
Contribute at least $50 to my dad's PAC
That's a bit steep dude. What are you doing? Trying to recoup some of your inheritance?

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

And If you Run Out Of Wine, Try A Strawberry Margarita

You know, a lot of people recently have been all up in the church's grill saying they're like, out of sync with the world, behind the times and just generally whack. We're talking about people like Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, Dick Cheney...

Wait, what?

Yeah, Dick Cheney.

That's uh...that's a little disturbing, what with Cheney being the devil's spawn and all. We may have to rethink this whole post. Please enjoy this musical interlude while we visit the Stoli cabinet:

OK, here's what we came up with. This is sort of like choosing up sides for baseball when you were a little. There's always one kid who's pretty much a klutz and no one wants, but when it gets down to it, you gotta have a right fielder so, you take him. Well, imagine that kid had to go home for an asthma treatment and that left Cheney.

Well, you come up with something better then, we're getting back to our story.

To recap: People say church bites. We say, not so fast there, pilgrim. A while back we told you about the new Prayer by Pay Pal service offered by the Church of AT&T. This is cutting edge stuff. As the brochure says,
Information Age Prayer is a subscription service utilizing a computer with text-to-speech capability to incant your prayers each day. It gives you the satisfaction of knowing that your prayers will always be said even if you wake up late, or forget. We use state of the art text to speech synthesizers to voice each prayer at a volume and speed equivalent to typical person praying. Each prayer is voiced individually, with the name of the subscriber displayed on screen.
Yeah. Who among us hasn't woken up late, or forgot god is sitting by the phone waiting for our call? Happens to us all the time. Well, with Pay Pal Prayer, god doesn't have to worry about making his tee time because your request to win the lotto, or have him get his smite on will arrive on time, every time.

Top that Allah.

Still not convinced? How about free home delivery of communion?

Yes, that's right worshipers. Big game this Sunday? Stay out too late Saturday? Whatever the reason, you never have to miss mass again because mass will come to you. We're not talking about just tuning to the public access channel while you search for your pants either, we're talking about the whole enchilada:
Archbishop Jonathan Blake, a former Anglican priest who is now a bishop of the Open Episcopal Church, has hit on a neat solution to the problem of worshipers who cannot get to his Eucharists. He consecrates the host, then pops it in the post to allow members of the public to say their own "Masses."
And that's not all! Act now and receive 10 pre-consecrated hosts for the low low price of $16.17! That's a savings of over $13 off the single host price! Whole wheat hosts available upon request. Offer void where prohibited, all taxes apply, celebrants must supply their own wine.
Once the host arrives, there's no need to construct a tabernacle: "People can carry a Host with them on a neck chain or in a specially adapted wallet for emergencies or just to have that sense that Jesus is with them throughout the day."
Oh, we have so got to have one of those specially adapted wallets for emergencies.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

And now for something completely different. Instead of featuring a single homeless hound this week, we here in the marbled halls of IM Central would like to direct your attention to a whole class of needy needle noses, namely seniors.

A lot of seniors are females, like Grayce, who after they help the overlords make a few trailer payments are returned to the farms as breeding stock. When the overlords think they've pretty much gotten all they can from the dog, to show their gratitude they unceremoniously drop them without as much, as they say, as a how dee do. Sort of like if you worked at the same company for your whole career and at your retirement party, instead of a gold watch your boss kicks you in the butt and slams the door in your face kind of gratitude.

Oh, and no pension.

Some of the males are returned to the farms to act as studs too, so it isn't just the girls who get to go back to that palatial living that marked their early years. Of course since their job now is to be a sperm donor, even the modicum of attention they got in the racing kennel is reduced, so we might describe life on the farm as somewhat less than stimulating vis-a-vis having anyone pay attention to you. Still, greyhounds being the breed they are, they keep a good humor and when they finally do get a chance to go to a place where they are actually cared for, they can be very appreciative, like Batman.

Because the overlords don't care what the dogs look like as long as they run fast enough to convince the rubes to drop two bucks on them, they don't suffer from some of the inbred ailments other pure breed dogs have, like hip displasia or choroidal hypoplasia, or some other such inherited disease. That means that a racing greyhound, once he or she has escaped the benevolent protection of his or her overlord can live to 12 years or beyond in good health, like Bugsy.

Then there is a category of dogs that have been in homes, but because of the economy, their owners can no longer care for them. It is a truly sad situation when a dog that has been part of a family for years has to be given up. Unlike the overlords, people who adopt greyhounds tend to see them as more than a means to an end and losing them is like losing a member of the family. Well, it is losing a member of the family. That's what happened to Merlin.

Seniors that come into the adoption system face an added challenge because most people looking to adopt are looking for a younger dog. Being a senior...er...seasoned citizen though has its advantages. These dogs are usually calmer than the youngsters, and if they're coming from a previous home, they're acclimated to pet life. One drawback though is that the seniors tend to take a little bigger piece of your heart right away. Well, "drawback" might not be the right word, and it's not like you have a choice anyway. We mean, come on. Look at that face. You really think you can hold something back? What are you? A republican?

Allow us to elucidate. Roland G. Hound III, Gent., aka Rollie came to the marbled halls when he was a little over a year old, having washed out of race school and manifesting no traits that the overlords wanted to reproduce in any other unit. Mrs. IM thought he may have suffered from a doggy version of ADD because he was constantly into things, most of which had nothing to do with his responsibilities as a pet. In fact, for the first two years we had him everyone thought his name was No No, Bad Dog.

Through all this Rollie remained blissfully unconcerned with appellations, or limits and spent his days appreciating the bouquet of scents left by passers by, or in wholehearted pursuit of whatever caught his eye. This caused no end of consternation amongst the rabbit and squirrel populations, but over the years a kind of uneasy truce developed. Well, actually what happened was they just learned to stay out of the yard. For his part, Rollie never did sign the treaty.

Then about three years ago, Rollie was diagnosed with Wobbler's Syndrome, and had to have back surgery. This slowed him down somewhat and it was shortly after that he discovered the joys of lying in the grass on a bright summer day and watching the world go by. Oh, it wasn't that he couldn't still spread chaos around like hats at a hair club for men meeting, it's just that he realized he had built up The Rep and didn't have to work so hard at it anymore. He had crazy dog street cred, if you know what we mean.

So Rollie went into kick back mode. His biggest decisions were whether to lie in the sun, or the shade, and which of his humans to send for a treat when the mood struck him. Life was good. But life is also short, which brings us to the point of this little tale. Tuesday, at the ripe old age of 15, amongst family and friends, Rollie peacefully passed away.

Roland G. Hound III, Gent. aka Rollie
1994 - 2009

Thursday, June 04, 2009

A Nation Of Laws, Not Of...Uh...Laws

We interrupt this blog for a very important message from Bill Salier, of Everyday America

Elected officials must be willing to confront the judicial branch, as well as ignore decisions they disagree with. If they are not willing to do so, they should be replaced with people who are.
Excellent advice, Mr. Salier. We never liked those speed limit laws anyway. And tax law? fugidabudit1 But what about people who are afraid to embrace anarchy? What do you have to say to them?
“So what if the court comes up and says ‘Uh uh.’ That’s all they can do. They don’t have any authority in this matter. They don’t have the guns, they don’t have the money. The statehouse and the governor control the law. We control them.”
Alleluia Mr. S, you have set us free. What's a funky old judge going to do anyway, sitting up there on his funky behind in his funky courtroom, huh? Dude probably isn't even packing. You the man, Mr. S. Don't like a law? Don't obey it! What's a judge going to do? Send you to your room?

Hey, where'd all those SWAT guys come from?

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

We'd Consider Them If They Weren't The "Marx" Brothers

We're coming to you today from the Department of Dreams Deferred here in the marbled halls of IM Central. DD is a division of the Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder Company in partnership with Come Back Shane, LLC.

It seems the republicans, eternal optimists that they are, believe they're going to win another election in our lifetimes, and are having a bit of a dilemma trying to decide what candidates to put forward. As our old daddy used to say, this is a bit like building a garage for your Mercedes Benz before you learn how to drive, but hey, America is all about hope right? Except hope is what they'll be running against, so let's get on with the story.

A new national poll of Republicans suggests that there's no clear white person at this extremely early moment in the next race for the White House. Like free medication day at the local psychiatric clinic, three potential candidates are fighting for first place in line according to a CNN/Opinion Research Corporation survey. "Well, it's three if you only count them and not the voices in their heads," said a CNN representative.

That would be Larry, Moe and Curly, right?

The survey suggests that 22 percent of Republicans able to count higher than the number of their fingers and toes would most likely support former Arkansas governor and former GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee for their party's presidential nomination in 2012.

Hmm...he's Larry we'd bet.

Twenty-one percent say they would most likely back Alaska governor and 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin because they saw that fake picture of her in a bikini and thought, there's the next leader of the free world.

Oh, Curly for sure.

An equal number support former Massachusetts governor, former White House hopeful and former whatever else you'd like him to be, Mitt Romney.

Now there's a Moe if we ever saw one.

The poll indicates that 13 percent of Republicans not in mental health institutions would back former House Speaker Newt Gingrich in 2012, with 6 percent supporting former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush because they confuse him with his brother. Ten percent of those questioned say they would most likely back someone else.

Someone else? Who's left, Abbot and Costello? Wait, we know: Pee Wee Herman. He's got the perv wing of the party locked up.

"Republicans typically nominate someone off probation who's run for president before, such as Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, Bob Dole, and John McCain. But since the party appears to be in trouble right, Republicans might want to do what Democrats typically do, and look for someone with an IQ greater than a field mouse," says CNN Senior Political Analyst Bill Schneider.

Oh Pee Wee, it's looking better and better.

The poll's release comes on the same day that Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he won't run next year for a third term. Pawlenty's decision to avoid a potentially difficult re-election bid in 2010 is seen by some political analysts as the first step in a possible presidential run in 2012.

Oh right, like he has a chance. He's never even been arrested and the Minneapolis airport is right down the street.

The poll's release also comes as Romney's recent schedule gives the impression of a man intent on wasting his children's inheritance again. Asked about a bid in 2012, Romney told Fox News that "I'm not going to close that door" — although, he added, "I'm not going to walk through it either."

So, on the issue of running for president, you are for it, except when you aren't. Well, at least you're consistent.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Maybe It Doesn't Count If You're A Girl

OK so Tom Tancredo and Pat Buchanan called Judge Sotomayor a racist and apparently they should know, having a convicted racist working for them and all, but here's our question: If a racist calls another racist a racist, isn't that like a racist compliment?

Um...does this mean Tancredo and Buchanan really support Judge Sotomayor because they think she's a racist like them? We're confused.

Monday, June 01, 2009

And A Playa To Be Named Later

Frequent readers of this blog know that the future is a big seagull about to poop on your shoulder...erm...we mean, know that we spent our formative years under the wise if somewhat inebriated tutelage of the church catholic, or more specifically the brothers christian. And as a result we don't have much good to say about our brothers and sisters in Christ, or in this case in Miami, except to bemoan the fact that no one explained to us that we could have put in for a transfer rather than subject ourselves to one more guilt trip from Sister Victorine because we didn't make our sales quota of plastic virgin Marys for the dashboard.

Father Alberto Cutie, an internationally known catholic priest who admitted having a romantic affair and breaking his vow of celibacy, is joining the Episcopal Church to be with the woman he loves.

Cutie? Father Cutie? Come on. You really expect us to buy that?

(it's pronounced koo-tee-AY).

Yeah, as in boot tee AY? Right padre? Come on now. Be honest. Just can't keep from giving the big sacrament to the koo tee ays in the parish now can you, you old cornu canis you!

"I will always love the catholic church and all its members," he said at a news conference. "Well, that was part of my problem, trying to love all the members of the catholic church. I have needs, you know? Plus I'm straight so it's not like they can just send me to another diocese."

John C. Favalora, archbishop of the Catholic Church's Miami archdiocese, where Cutie served, said he was "deeply disappointed" by the news. "There aren't that many heteros left," he said. "We'd like to hang on to those we have."

The Cuban-American priest admitted having a two-year relationship with the woman, a long-time friend. She has not been publicly identified. "This is something I've struggled with," he said this month. "I don't support getting caught in the breaking of the celibacy promise. "

Of his relationship with the woman, he said, "Through the photos, it looked like a frivolous thing on the beach, you know, and that's not what it is. It's something deeper than that."

Um...padre? We don't think that's what your bosses want to hear.

"Father Cutie's actions have caused grave scandal within the Catholic Church, harmed the Archdiocese of Miami -- especially our priests -- and led to division within the ecumenical community and the community at large," Favalora said in a written statement. "Today's announcement only deepens those wounds."

Well, it's certainly getting "deep" around here.

"Father Cutie is still bound by his promise to live a celibate life, which he freely embraced at ordination," Favalora said. "Only the Holy Father can release him from that obligation."

"Yeah, like that's been a problem for me so far," Cutie responded.

The Episcopal Diocese of Southeast Florida said Cutie will deliver a sermon Sunday at a church that diocese leaders are looking to restore: the Church of the String Bikini in Biscayne Park. Cutie will be a part of this effort to revitalize this church and others, the diocese said.

Oh. So that's what the ecumenicals are calling it these days.

Favalora also had harsh words for the Episcopal church's decision to accept Cutie. "This truly is a serious setback for ecumenical relations and cooperation between us," he said.

Calm down father. Episcopals aren't really in a church, remember?