Friday, September 28, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, sometimes even we feel sorry for the overlords. Think about it. The only people who come to the tracks anymore are Alzheimer's patients and people who are lost. Kansas, Texas and Florida have all come to the conclusion that it costs more to monitor the crooks and drug addicts that make up the industry than they get back in taxes. And now the overlords are getting pushed around by middle schoolers.

If you haven't already seen 13-year-old Amanda MacDonald on your doorstep, asking you to sign her petition, you'll likely see her in front of Old Town Hall this Saturday, where she'll make a public appeal to ban greyhound racing in Massachusetts.

You go girl.

"Probably not a lot of kids do stuff like this, but maybe I can get more kids to get involved in the community," said MacDonald. "I really want to help the greyhounds, to speak up for them."

A spokesperson for Wonderland Greyhound Park in Revere agreed. "Kids this age are too young to understand adult issues like this. Why when I was in eighth grade...well...I never made it to eighth grade, but if I had, I wouldn't have done anything like this."

"I think we're going to get enough signatures," said MacDonald. "Because of the whole Michael Vick thing, it got a lot of people interested in dogs and how they're not treated fairly."

"Vick, Vick, Vick. That's all I hear about," said John Parker, head of Southeastern Greyhound Adoption. "Can we just move on here? Besides, everyone knows greyhounds are treated humanely when they're injured...OK they're not, but we make sure they're given every chance at a good life after they're done making us money...Well, that's not quite true either, but believe this, none of us are Falcons fans."

MacDonald said she got involved with the committee through a family friend, and is motivated by her own dog, Lemony, "I couldn't imagine my dog being in that position, because the dogs are really treated unfairly," said MacDonald. "They hardly have room to sit up, and a lot of times when they have injuries, they're not treated properly."

"Well, 'properly' is such a vague word," said the wonderland spokesperson. "With so many units being injured it's hard to keep track of each individual. Remember, these animals are in the care of people who washed out of Walmart Greeter School."

Hmmm...he may have a point there, huh Tamale?

She’s Hot a.k.a. Tamale is very sweet and shy with people. She is quiet, gentle and well-mannered. She will follow the other dogs when they greet people who come to the door. She is still not sure of many things but likes attention more. She gets excited and plays. She likes to chew on rawhide chips and has picked up a toy and taken it to her crate. She will play bow and wag her tail and bark a little when it is dinner time. She also gets excited and barks when it is time for a walk and when her foster family comes home. She is a “collector” of toys and is starting to play with toys. She will play bow with the other dogs. Tamale needs a quite, patient home that will give her time to blossom. She would do best in a home with another dog to show her that things are okay. Since she is so shy, she would do best in a home that only has older children, ages 10 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Craig's Out Of The Closet. The Water Closet

Full disclosure: On more than one occasion this blog has been pretty easy to write--even after the Stoli comes out of the freezer. In fact, truth be told, sometimes it pretty much writes itself. Which is why we weren't too upset when Wide Stance Larry decided to give up his seat in the Senate and devote himself full time to changing the regulations that govern the width of bathroom stalls so the heartbreak experienced by citizens issues can be addressed. They're the last minority it is legal to discriminate against you know. Anyway, no great loss thinks us, there's plenty of other fish in the sea, or republicans in the closet as the case may be.

Oh, but look: He's baaaack!

A Minnesota judge will not rule until the end of next week on a petition by senator Larry E. Craig to set aside his guilty plea for disorderly conduct. "The courts are backed up," said Ken Bergstrom, a spokesman for the Hennepin County District Court. "It will be a week or so before things are regular again.

"Disorderly conduct." So that what the kids are calling it these days.

“Today was a major step in the legal effort to clear my name,” Craig said. “The court has not issued a ruling on my motion to withdraw my guilty plea." When asked how the court doing nothing was a "major step," Craig replied "They're stalling because they know I'm innocent."

To reporters waiting outside his “hideaway” office in the Senate marked only with a sign that read "Men," Craig said only, “In loo of the judge's decision we’ve issued a statement; that should be adequate for tonight.” Craig ignored a shouted question about whether he would still be a senator after Sunday. "Rumors of the senator's resignation are just so much gas," said a spokesperson from Craig's office. "You'll get the full poop on the senator's plans after the judge rules."

Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky Jelly, had supported Craig’s announced resignation as the difficult but correct decision. "I understand there's been some movement in Larry's position," McConnell said. "But I'm still confident things will come out all right in the end."

Craig pleaded guilty last month to a misdemeanor disorderly conduct charge after an undercover police officer in a restroom at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport interpreted some hand and foot motions as an invitation for sex. "So I'm a friendly guy," Craig said. "Is that a good reason to flush my entire career away?"

Craig later said he was not trying to send signals in that restroom, and described himself as choosing to plead guilty to make the accusation go away without attracting attention in his home state. "It's all a big misunderstanding," said Craig. "And besides, it's not like I did something that caused the airport to be evacuated or anything.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

See, The Problem With Decisions Is They're So...Decisive

OK, admittedly we did sort of sleepwalk through the last election, although in our defense we have to say that the choice between a raving maniac and Phineas F. Milquetoast III wasn't exactly the electrifying draw everyone expected it to be. Anyway, we do seem to remember something about stopping the Bush war wagon or some such equally testosterone fueled foot stomping, fist pounding chest puffery on the part of democrats. Now it seems people expect them to do what they said.

Silly people.

House Democrats are peeved by warnings that anti-war groups may back primary challengers against Democrats who hesitate to directly challenge President Bush’s Iraq policy. "Oh, yeah like we can do something about that," said one democratic congressional aide. "You need to pass laws and stuff for that."

The threat of primary fights next year reminds congressional Democrats that part of their party’s base demands nothing less than a full legislative effort to get U.S. forces out of Iraq. "Well, if by 'part of the base' you mean everybody with an IQ over that of water, said one democratic senator who asked not to be identified."

Republicans, eager for any positive development regarding the 2008 elections say they can hardly believe their good fortune. "There's no way on god's green earth anyone who can tie their own shoes would vote for a republican after we screwed up things this badly, so sissy democrats is about all we got going for us," said one highly placed republican official.

No primary challenges have yet been announced, but possible targets mentioned by anti-war organizers include five-termer Brian Baird of Washington. Baird, who returned from a visit to Iraq in August saying it is too early to determine whether Bush’s surge strategy will be a total disaster or just an unmitigated one, said he will fight any challenge. “If I adjust my position because reality interferes with the voices in my head, I shouldn’t be in office anyway,’’ he said.

“It’s perfectly legitimate for constituents to express disappointment. But strategically it’s a mistake to go after those Democrats,’’ said Jim McGovern, D-Mass. "I mean it's like people expect us to do stuff just because they elected us and if we don't they're all like 'we're voting for somebody else.' What's up with that?"

“I think everybody’s fire should be aimed at Republicans,’’ McGovern said. “What has screwed everything up is that Republicans, with near-total unison, have stayed with the president on the war. So what do you want from me?’’

Neil Abercrombie D-Hawaii, said the anti-war groups’ threat, coupled with pressure within the House Democratic Caucus to settle for nothing less than mandating a speedy withdrawal from Iraq, amounts to a “recapitulation of the Inquisition. And no, I don't have any idea what that means, I just felt like saying it.’’

Republican leaders are gleeful. “I just sit on the side and have a big grin on my face,’’ said Tom Cole, R-Okla., head of the National Republican Congressional Committee. "Republicans got screwing up covered, the democrats are stuck with being the party of getting something right."

Monday, September 24, 2007

And Lately, Barney's Been Growling At Him Too

Jocularity, jocularity, all is jocularity. From our good friends south of the border (well, the few who are still south of the border that is) comes this little snippet of international insight into our dear leader, president Rambo McManlyman.

Seems the cowboy in chief is afraid of horses.

How can this be? You ask. After all, isn't our president a charter member of the Marlboro Man Club? Isn't he a ranch owner and aren't there animals on ranches, and aren't some of those animals horses?

The property reportedly has no horses and only five cattle.

Oh. Well, all righty then.

President Bush may like to be seen as a swaggering tough guy with a penchant for manly outdoor pursuits if you have the IQ of a strawberry, but in a new book one of his closest allies has said he is afraid of horses. Vicente Fox, the former president of Mexico, derided his political friend as a "windshield cowboy."

"Windshield cowboy," huh. Well, we suppose that's better than a Midnight Cowboy, right senator Craig?

Fox recalled a meeting in Mexico shortly after both men had been elected when he offered Mr Bush a ride on a "big palomino" horse. Mr Fox recalled Mr Bush "backing away" from the animal. "Well, if you call running down the road shouting 'Cover me! Cover me!' to his secret service guards backing away," Fox added.

''A horse lover can always tell when others don't share our passion," he said. "Also the pants wetting was a clue."

Mr Bush has spoken of his fondness for shooting doves on his Crawford ranch in Texas, which he bought in 1999.

Bush likes shooting doves. You don't really need us for this one do you? Didn't think so.

Mr Fox is the latest old friend go all truthy on Mr Bush as the US president faces a lonely final 18 months in office, derided for failures in Iraq and at home, and told by his wife there will be no more chocolate milk at lunch until he learns to pick up his toys. "I'm tried of getting up at night and stepping on those little plastic tanks," she told reporters.

Wait. The president has friends?

Donald Rumsfeld, his defense secretary until last November, asked recently if he missed the president, said flatly: "No."

OK, that's more like it.

Alan Greenspan has attacked the Bush administration's economic policy at length in a new hagiography, accusing the Republican president of having the economic acumen of cold pizza and betraying the party's basic principles of stiffing the working man. "Well, he sort of got the stiffing the working man part right," Greenspan said.

When asked why he didn't point this out to the president when he was Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Greenspan said that every time Cheney got wind that he was going to talk to the president "He'd invite me hunting. I got the message."

Asked for his reaction to criticism from former sycophants, the president replied: "My feelings are not hurt. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a phone call to my Mommie."

Friday, September 21, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

Sometimes we wonder if the state agencies that monitor the overlords are really paying attention to the people they're dealing with. We mean, take a look at this.

A trainer who had been racing his dogs at Tucson Greyhound Park has had his license suspended for failure to disclose prior criminal history.

Hello. He's a overlord. Isn't having a prior criminal history, like part of the job description? Come on. You want a real challenge? Try finding an overlord without a rap sheet. That'd be like being in a public toilet with a bunch of republicans and not getting wide stanced.

The Arizona Department of Racing took the action this week against Kevin Mathieu, who also had lost his racing privileges in New Hampshire. "Look, people whose IQ equals the number of teeth they've got left come out to these tracks and bet the rent money," said a spokesperson for the Arizona Department of Racing. "We can't even afford the appearance of impropriety if we want to keep sucking these people dry two bucks at a time."

Racing Director Geoffrey Gonsher said that his office discovered that Mathieu had failed to list his criminal past, which was turned up in a subsequent fingerprint check. "I understand the Department's position," Gonsher told reporters. "But I'm a little concerned. After all, who's going to work these low wage no benefit jobs but people like Mathieu who can't get real jobs? Especially now that illegal immigrants have better jobs."

Yeah, well that is a puzzler Mr. Gonsher. Plus the fact that the industry has lost another caring, committed overlord whose only goal in life is to watch out for the welfare of the units under his care. Right Mr. Mathieu?

Kevin Mathieu stated under oath at the hearing "that he and his kennel have no use for greyhound adoption leagues and do not use them'. He also stated that "it's always his standard option to put down injured dogs."

Oh. Ah...yes...well...thanks for clearing that up. Good thing you limped out without them noticing, huh Jonie?

Jonie is very energetic and playful. She has a bubbly disposition. She is very affectionate and sweet. She gives kisses. She loves everyone she meets. She is a social butterfly. She grins when she is happy. She loves stuffed toys. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Jonie would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 6 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. She is playful, so needs a large yard or someone who will actively play with her often. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

OK, But Only If The Kids Get Body Armor

We're coming to you today from the What Could Possibly Go Wrong Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. WCPGW is a wholly owned division of the Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time Corporation.

An Oregon high school teacher sued for her right to bring a gun into the classroom for personal protection. "One more spitwad in the back of my head while I'm writing on the board and somebody's going down. That's all I'm saying," the teacher told reporters.

When asked why, if she was so afraid of her students she felt she needed to be armed, hadn't she considered another line of work, the teacher replied that she had looked into a career in law enforcement but felt it was easier to shoot students than criminals. "Don't have to worry about all that Miranda stuff, and anyway, sometimes the parents are grateful."

The standoff between the teacher and the school district has grabbed the attention of both sides of the national gun debate. "The right to protect yourself is natural, God-given and should not be taken away," said Kevin Starrett, executive director of the Oregon Firearms Federation. "Well, if god had guns that is. On second thought I guess if you're god you don't need a gun. Omnipotent and all that. Still, if Jesus had of had a Glock that whole cross nailing thing would have turned out differently. What was my point?"

The teacher's identity is being concealed to protect her from an abusive ex-husband who has challenged her to a gunfight. "Yeah. The problem is she missed him," Starret said.

The 12,370-student school district argues that being gun-free is a condition of her employment."We are saying that the school district has the right to expect the superintendent isn't going to get drilled in the hallway because he didn't call a snow day when all the other districts did," said Tim Gerking, the school district's attorney.

When asked for his opinion, one of the students in the teacher's class said he wasn't planning on handing in any homework assignments late. "I don't want to have to choose between 10 points off or a head start," he said.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

OK, Say You Win. How Do You Plan To Collect?

Sometimes, as we peruse what passes for news from the mainstream media here in the marbled halls of IM Central, we are taken with the thought that local politicians don't have enough to do. Then we read something like this and we're sure of it.

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers is suing God. While the deity had no initial comment, sources close to his celestial magnificence expressed concern, as there are no lawyers in heaven. "We're making arrangements to contact Satan and see if we can work out some sort of deal for Johnny Cochran," said the Archangel Michael.

Chambers said that it is to prove a point about frivolous lawsuits. "Just kidding," Chambers told a delegation of clergy. "Can't the big guy take a joke?" He said his main objection is that the constitution requires that the doors to the courthouse be open to all. "Can't we do something about giving everyone rights? Who's idea was that anyway?"

Chambers' lawsuit, which was filed in Douglas County Court, seeks a permanent injunction ordering God to cease certain harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats. "And that's just the old testament," said Chambers' lawyer. "We haven't even gotten to the Jesus years yet."

The lawsuit admits God goes by all sorts of alias, names, titles and designations and it also recognizes the fact that the defendant is omnipresent. "So he should have no trouble making a court date," Chambers told reporters.

The lawsuit accuses God "of making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent." It says God has caused "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects, the New York Yankees, and the like."

The suit also says God has caused "calamitous catastrophes resulting in the wide-spread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants including innocent babes, infants, children, the aged and infirm without mercy or distinction. Plus, we're pretty sure he had something to do with the invention of the Krispy Kreme bacon double cheeseburger."

Chambers asks for the court to grant him a summary judgment. He said as an alternative, he wants the judge to set a date for a hearing as expeditiously as possible and enter a permanent injunction enjoining God from engaging in the types of deleterious actions and the making of terroristic threats described in the lawsuit. "And he can lay off the drought thing too," Chambers added. "It's getting way too dry out here."

Later that day, Chambers told reporters he had moved his first born to an undisclosed location.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Hi, I'm Alan Keyes. Quit Laughing

We're thinking about taking advantage of the volume discount offered by our local Libation Shoppe because it appears to us our job just got a whole lot easier. To wit: Alan Keyes filed a Statement of Candidacy with the Federal Election Commission-thus officially announcing as a Republican candidate for President of the United States.

Oh, thank you god, thank you. No, really. Thank you.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, as if the Bus Load of Screaming Whackos (tm) wasn't crowded enough already, during a stop in Looneyville, Mr. Alan (pass the Paxil) Keyes sneaked on board. Let's all get ready for some full contact, no pads, off the rails and into the corn, professional grade In. San. I. Ty. Care to start us off Mr. K?

"Christ would not vote for Barack Obama, because Barack Obama has voted to behave in a way that it is inconceivable for Christ to have behaved."

Yeah! Well, that and the fact that the United States hadn't been invented yet when Christ was around. Come to think of it, neither had voting.

"Our first responsibility is not to ourselves. Our first responsibility is to our country and to our God. "

Actually, that's two responsibilities, K man, but we know math isn't your strong suite.

"The flag that was the symbol of slavery on the high seas for a long time was not the Confederate battle flag, it was sadly the Stars and Stripes. "

Ha! Take that liberal elites. Now, it's true the stars and stripes was a little difficult to pick out from time to time, being lost as it were in all the Danish, Norwegian, French, British, and Portuguese flags, but it's in there somewhere, just look carefully. No, not that flag, that one over there. Oops. Not that one either. Our bad.

"It's about time we all faced up to the truth. If we accept the radical homosexual agenda, be it in the military or in marriage or in other areas of our lives, we are utterly destroying the concept of family."

OK, but can we accept the moderate homosexual agenda. You know, that's the one that comes with cake.

"When we, through our educational culture, through the media, through the entertainment culture, give our children the impression that human beings cannot control their passions, we are telling them, in effect, that human beings cannot be trusted with freedom."

Is he talking about Larry Craig?

And what's this? the Kster is going to the values voters debate? This is going to be better than rasslin on the tee vee.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging seems the overlords are still a bit sensitive about being compared to that well known canine sporting enthusiast, Michael Vick. Overlord John Parker has taken up the latest challenge with an article titled "Greyhound Racing is not dogfighting." Erm...well, thanks for clearing that up Mr. Parker, although truth be told we had pretty much figured that out, due to the fact that the greyhounds don't, like, you know, fight or anything. Anyway, what else you got?

As a leader of Southeastern Greyhound Adoption, I thought Birmingham News readers might be interested in the rest of the story and some good things about racing greyhounds.

"Good" things about greyhound racing? You mean how it keeps you from having to work for a living?

The rest of the story is greyhound adoption, and the growing partnership between the greyhound racing community and the greyhound adoption community.

Greyhounds are being adopted. Yay! Well, except for the over 15,000 that were killed anyway this year. Oh, and then there are those that get sold for medical experimentation. And, er, um, the puppies who never make it to the track because they aren't "suitable." But other than that, things are grand!

Every animal community, including the pet dog-owning community and even the greyhound adoption community, has its dark corners. Greyhound racing is no better or no worse.

Well, maybe a little worse because while the cruelty in, say the pet dog-owning community is no less horrific, it is incidental, whereas the whole purpose of your industry is to dump slow dogs as fast as you can and replace them with faster ones. So all the adoption people out there--thanks for picking up after the overlords. Oh, and you best get better at it too because more dogs are going to be coming faster as they scramble for the pocket change left in greyhound racing.

I know from 12 years of working in greyhound adoption that there are many people in greyhound racing, from breeders to owners to racing kennel operators, who care deeply for the greyhounds that help them earn a living.

"Help" them earn a living? Did you say "help" them? Hey Ealy, aren't you glad you "helped" the overlords stay off welfare and in return they dumped you as soon as you came in fourth?

Ealy is friendly and outgoing. She is happy and she loves to play with the other dogs in the prison program. She loves attention and gives kisses. She is very active and playful. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Ealy would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

We're Sorry. The NewsConference Will Have To Be Posponed Until After Mr. Thompson's Nap

OK, here's something that struck us as a little odd about one of the Bus Load of Screaming Whackos (tm) otherwise known as the republican argument for government sponsored mental health testing and free for president.

Republican presidential contender Fred Thompson, who has based his campaign on not doing much and appealing to conservative voters who are mostly listening to the voices in their heads--or Fox News, said he isn't a regular churchgoer and doesn't plan to speak about his religion on the stump. "Actually I don't want to talk about much of anything," Thompson said. "Just pretend I'm saying what you want to hear."

Excuse us, but isn't that the only thing republicans are supposed to talk about? For example, if gay marriage were outlawed we'd be winning in Iraq, and Osama bin Laden is for stem cell research. It's been in all the papers.

"Actually religious people give me the creeps," Thompson said. "Why don't y'all just keep telling me why you want me for president like you did before?"

Thompson, in his first campaign stop in South Carolina, told a crowd of about 500 Republicans yesterday that he gained his values from "sitting around the kitchen table with his parents and "the good Church of Christ. That ole' bottle a moonshine daddy kept in the cupboard didn't hurt none either.''

Thompson said he usually attends church when he gets lost on the way to the golf course and isn't a member of any church in the Washington area. "I'm all for that holy roller stuff though if that's what it take to get folks to vote for me."

"As long as he was acclimated in some kind of church, involved in the church, that's very important,'' said Jamie Darnell, 27, of Greenville.

Yeah, but Jamie, he just said he wasn't.

"Umm...well...I really don't do half the things I say either."

Asked by reporters later to clarify his stance on religion, Thompson said: ``Me getting up and talking about what a wonderful person I am and that sort of thing, I'm not comfortable with that, and I don't think it does me any good. People will make up their own mind about that, and that's the way I like it.''

Asked what that answer had to do with his stance on religion, Thompson admitted he didn't know but said "that's all you're getting because it's time for my nap. Oh, and Romney sucks."

Thompson, 65, who officially joined the race for the Republican presidential nomination last week because his show went into reruns and no one had offered him a movie role. He spoke at length about the need for a "stronger and more unified program of senior discounts'' to withstand a global battle against young'uns getting all the good stuff off the buffet. Oh, and I'll win the war on terra too. Where's the restroom?"

So far, Thompson hasn't talked in detail about what U.S. foreign policy would look like should he be elected. "Foreign policy is about them folks that live over there," he told reporters, gesturing off in a vague direction. "They don't even have the American tee vee."

The August 1 collapse of a Minneapolis bridge that killed 13 people -- the worst U.S. bridge failure in 25 years --"went down because things aren't being paid attention to at home,'' said Cindy Holden, 57, a nurse who asked the question. In response, Thompson launched into an almost 10-minute answer focused on why it was necessary to overthrow Saddam Hussein. He didn't mention infrastructure.

"Works for me," Holden said.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Is That A Sock In Your Huggies, Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

Hey, the Petreaus *cough* whitehouse *cough* "report" got you down? Tired of hearing the troops will come home if you just give us six more months? Thinking that building full of sissies perverts and criminals we call Congress won't do anything to end the war? Again. Figure we're going to stay in Iraq forever? Cheer up. We are!

So let's see what the good republican pervert is up to. You know, the one who, even though he bought hookers and engaged is some pretty kinky...erm...variations on the missionary position, is at least a hetero. Hey, you take your victories where you find them.

That's right, we're talking about that Lothario of Louisiana, the in flagrante delicto of Family Values the Huggies Humper, the one and only--well, OK, not the one and only--but let's give it up anyway for Daaaaavid Vitter!!

Weeks after U.S. Sen. David Vitter tried to discredit her allegations, a woman who used to work as a prostitute in New Orleans passed a lie detector test averring that she had a "sexual relationship" with Vitter that lasted at least four months. "There's no way she's telling the truth," said a spokesperson for Vitter's office. "Dave's a real horn' dawg. He ain't lettin' no filly tie him down that long. Wait, can I rephrase that?"

The woman, Wendy Yow Ellis, claims that she had intercourse with Vitter in a French Quarter apartment at Dauphine and Dumaine streets in 1999, the year the Metairie Republican was elected to Congress. "Look he'd just been elected," the spokesperson said. "Everybody has their own way of celebrating."

Ellis, whose maiden name is Wendy Yow, said Monday that she took the polygraph test because Vitter tried to impugn her credibility at a news conference in July, when he denied news reports about his involvement with prostitutes in New Orleans without being specific.

Vitter's office later issued a statement saying the senator hadn't intended to impugn Ellis, but "after a while all them girls start to look alike, and the senator just couldn't place her."

Vitter's press secretary refused to comment about the lie detector test Monday. "Senator Vitter and his wife have addressed all of this very directly," Joel DiGrado's statement said. "The senator is focused on important Louisiana priorities like the decriminalization of prostitution and containing the spread of genital herpes."

Ellis said she and Vitter had safe sex and that he did not have any unusual proclivities. She said he paid $300 an hour for her services."He was a very clean man," Ellis said. "He came in, took a shower, did his business and would leave."

"And that's the kind of focus, dedication and commitment that Louisiana needs," DiGrado said. "Plus he's clean and fastidious about his personal grooming."

OK, then why'd he take a shower first?

Friday, September 07, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

Those of you whose memories aren't soaking in Stoli may remember that least week we introduced you to overlord Richard Winning, president of the American Greyhound Track Owners Association, and Car Wash who said, "We have a special responsibility to ensure greyhounds are well cared for from the time they are born until they retire."

At the time we were somewhat skeptical of Mr. Winning's claim given the fact that stories about greyhound abuse were about as hard to come by as republicans in trouble with the law, which is to say, not very hard at all, but even we didn't realize the overlords were so intent on carrying out their "special responsibility" that they would actually punish a fellow overlord for trying to do what they say they do all the time.

David Blair has been suspended for two weeks after a hearing by state racing officials. He's also facing $500 in fines. All of this comes after insisting that an injured dog not be euthanized, which was against the wishes of its owner.

Blair has a kennel full of greyhounds whose racing days are long gone, and that is just fine with him."I've never put a dog to sleep, never killed a dog in 30 years," Blair said. "We can't control what he does with his dogs, but by God he's not going to save anybody else's," said Tucson Greyhound Park CEO Tom Taylor."Wait, that didn't come out right."

Taylor called South Tucson Police. Blair offered to take, rehabilitate and adopt out the dog like he's done many times before. But Taylor said that several people agreed that the dog should be put down. "We all agreed the dog wasn't going to make anymore money for its owner," Taylor said. "So what was the point?"

At the hearing, the track veterinarian testified that she had sent dogs home with Blair with worse injuries than the one that was euthanized. The state veterinarian said that while euthanasia was not the only option, it was justified by the fact that the owner "didn't give a crap" what happened to the dog and wasn't going to pay "one red cent" for its care. Which is "pretty much standard procedure in these cases," the state veterinarian said.

He has a point there. Your medical benefits aren't exactly first tier are they Cas?

Cas is playful and puppy like. He likes to lay down on the ground with a cushion. He likes to sneak shoes, pillows and socks and likes to lay with them; if you take them back he’s fine with it. He took an entire shirt out of the laundry, and threw it right onto the family grey as if “I didn’t have anything to do with it.” He has played with the ball. He’s lovable and sweet. He’s got a great personality. He loves to snuggle, put his head down and shove his head at you. He loves to lay with his legs crossed. He does the play bow stretch, and the he will just sit there, like a yoga pose. He stretches and leaves his butt up in the air with his face on the ground. For a greyhound he is very doggy-like; he’s more energetic than most greyhounds. He will fetch and drop it near you. He runs like an insane dog after the toy. He knows when to play and when not to play. He does calm down okay. Cas has a fascination with water. The neighbor’s automatic sprinkler sends a mist through the fence, which he just loves. He doesn’t like the rain; he will go out in it but he comes right back. If his foster mom sprays him with the hose with a mister he enjoys it. He’s very vocal when he sees or hears noises outside. He would make someone a great watchdog. He loves to bark; he doesn’t know he’s a greyhound. Cas would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He would be fine with younger children on a limited basis, more of visiting basis. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. He needs to be in a single family home, as he is more vocal than a typical greyhound. He’s very playful and he would do best with a home that has an enclosed yard where he can get out and stretch his legs. He would like another cuddly dog. He’s a character he needs an active home. He would love someone to come and play fetch with him, and he would love at least one walk a day. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Hi, I'm Larry Craig And I Hear There's Some Grabbing Going On Around Here

This whole Senator Craig think really hasn't penetrated the Stoli fog much here in the marbled halls of IM Central. We mean, come on. Another republican in trouble for being the exact opposite of everything he says he stands for? Where's the news? These folks are walking projections, and the Em Ess Em is still surprised by that? Oh well, guess there were no missing white women that day. By the way, where is Paris?

So we're trying to go about our business here, scanning the internetz, looking in all the tubez for places interested in selling various prescription palliatives without the nuisance of an actual prescription when we run across this headline: Craig supporters call for boycott of Minneapolis airport.

Now, we're not exactly frequent fliers, but the last time we checked, unless you're the pilot, you don't get to choose what airport you fly into. But let's let them tell it:

Supporters of Sen. Larry Craig with the American Land Rights Association are calling for a boycott of the Minneapolis-Saint Paul Airport.

We're sorry, did you say the American Land Rights Association? Oh, so that's what they're calling it these days. Not as smooth on the tongue as "wide stance" but, it's your lifestyle choice, go ahead:

The Battle Ground (Washington) based association says airport police who arrested the senator in a men's room sex sting are responsible for weakening private property rights in the West.

At this point one of two things happen to rational people: Their heads explode, or they convince themselves they're reading The Onion.

We, on the other hand, foolishly wondered what land rights in Washington had to do with an old Queen from Idaho playing footsie with a cop in Minnesota so we made the mistake of reading on.

The American Land Rights Association, which has an office in Washington, D-C, advocates for the use of federal lands and against what it calls federal "land grabs."

Ah, "grabs." Now we're getting somewhere.

The association says the airport should apologize to Craig for what it calls "ambushing" the senator.

What? And then federal lands in Washington will be released to strip mall developers? Are strip mall developers gay too? OK, we're not getting this, but who cares? Look. Vicodin, no prescription necessary.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Jesus Was A Hawkeye Fan. It's Right In The Gospel

You know, back before the holiday, before the presidential candidates went totally insane, we confessed that we hadn't been paying much attention to them. Turns out that may have been a mistake because these guys are better than rasslin' on the tee vee. Or at least some of them are. The rest will probably come along shortly if they don't want to get ignored by the press because they're not saying totally outrageous, fly smack bonkizoid, off the rails and into the corn things. Here's the ante boys and girls:

God's will is for Iowa to have the first-in-the-nation caucus, Democratic presidential candidate Bill Richardson told a crowd. "It says right in the bible that Jesus wanted to be a farmer but his dad made him take up carpentry," he told the crowd. "And if he hadn't been six thousand miles away I'm sure he'd a settled here in Iowa after his savioring days were over. Well, except for that whole ascending into heaven thing."

"Iowa, for good reason, for constitutional reasons, for reasons related to the Lord, should be the first caucus and primary," Richardson said. "See, not only am I a minister, I'm a constitutional expert too. In fact, ole' Tom Jefferson came to me in a dream just the other night and said Bill, he calls me Bill. He said Bill, if we'd a had an Iowa back in my day, we'd ought to a put the first primary there. If we'd a had primaries."

Several people in the crowd snickered after Richardson made the comment, most burst out laughing and several who had been taking a drink when he made the comment had to be treated by paramedics because they shot so much beer through their noses they almost drowned.

"That was a little weird," said Sioux City resident Joe Shufro. "OK, it was a lot weird, but that's why I come to these things. Is that guy running for something?"

Sioux City resident Jan Hodge agreed that Richardson's statement was odd. "It's the kind of thing that would make me wince if, for instance, George Bush said it because we know he's completely wacko" Hodge said. "Richardson has the saving grace of not taking himself too seriously. Besides he was drunk. Wasn't he?"

Much of the crowd that had gathered earlier to hear Hillary and Bill Clinton had left by 1 p.m. when Richardson took the stage. "I want you to know who was the first candidate to sign a pledge not to campaign anywhere if they got ahead of Iowa. It was Bill Richardson," he said. "And I also want you to know Jesus will send floods and plagues to any state that gets ahead of Iowa."

Part of Richardson's promises includes a goal to reduce the age for Medicare eligibility from 65 to 55. "I'm particularly interested in the mental health programs they have," he told the crowd.