Friday, July 28, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Rut Ro. Looks like that pesky math has sneaked up and bit the overlords. Again.

The Arizona Department of Racing is investigating allegations that 100 to 200 greyhounds that had recently raced at Tucson Greyhound Park have gone missing. "These concerns are serious enough for us to look into," said Geoffrey Gonsher, director of the Department of Racing, which regulates greyhound racing in Arizona.

"They've got to be around here someplace," said a track representative. "Have you looked in the kennel? Oh, yeah. The empty cages. That's how come we knew they were gone in the first place. Never mind."

The dogs in question are not owned by Tucson Greyhound Park, but instead by kennels. Tucson Greyhound Park uses a Colorado-based trainer to haul the dogs to their next destinations, said Tony Fasulo, the park's chief operating officer. Efforts to reach the trainer were unsuccessful. "Yeah. He gets lost a lot. The last time we sent him to Colorado he ended up in New Hampshire," Fasulo said. "I'm sure once we find him we'll find the dogs."

Efforts to reach Chris McConnell, general manager for Tucson Greyhound Park, were unsuccessful. "Did you look in the kennel?" Fasulo asked.

The allegations of missing dogs from Tucson have been circulating among greyhound advocates since winter, said Susan Netboy, president of the Greyhound Protection League, a national advocacy group. "They (the dogs) haven't appeared where individuals were told they were supposed to arrive," she said. "They did not arrive at their destination, to the best of our knowledge."

Netboy said she contacted the Colorado Division of Racing about the missing dogs in February and requested a formal investigation. After several months the investigation was made inactive because of a lack of witnesses, according to a June 1 letter sent to Netboy from Colorado Division of Racing.

Boy, looks like everybody's gone missing, huh Harley?

Harley will greet everyone he meets with a wagging tail. Even when he is enjoying a meal his tail wags. When he seeks attention from you he will put his head right into you so you have no choice but to pet him. He is a happy boy who enjoys playing with his dog toys. He is very much the typical greyhound shadow with his foster family. Harley would do ok with a working family home who can come home midday to let him out. He gets along fine with other dogs but will also do ok as an only dog with a family who will exercise him everyday. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Oh, And That Whole 'Big Bang' Thing? Never Happened

OK, so what does Al Gore do when the Supreme Court votes him out of office? Act like any self respecting politician and join a lobbying group? Let his friends hire him for some seven figure do nothing job? Nope. He goes back to a cause he's been working on for most of his professional life. One that could make the difference between keeping the human race percolating along until Captain Kirk can be born, or getting all of us inducted into the Dinosaur Memorial Hall of Potential Fossils. You just can't trust a guy like that can you Senator Inhofe?

Inhofe, believes that man made global warming is "the greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people. It's right up there with evolution, germs cause disease, and Bush is a competent president," he said.

The Oklahoma Republican is chairman of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee which is kind of like having Alfred E. Neuman in charge of the space program. Inhofe insists that he feels even stronger about taking on what he sees as the current hysteria about global warming than he did several years ago when he first uttered that now-famous hoax statement. "What? You think I'm supposed to change my mind just because a bunch of pencil necked science geeks have done a couple of studies? OK over 900 studies, but are you going to trust the word of some college trained beaker monkey who probably believes Noah didn't sail in the Ark, or me, a life insurance salesman?

In an interview, he heaped criticism on what he saw as the strategy used by those on the other side of the debate and offered a historical comparison. "It kind of reminds . . . I could use the Third Reich, the big lie," Inhofe said. At that point the interview was stopped while Senator Inhofe was awarded a certificate of appreciation for his dedicated support of Godwin's Law.

Inhofe insists that the number of polar bears is not dropping and that some of the glaciers in the national parks are actually getting bigger. "How do I know this, you ask? Because were it otherwise, my world view would be discredited, and I know Jesus wouldn't let that happen."

As for the Kilimanjaro glacier, which reportedly is disappearing, Inhofe said the loss can be blamed on the cutting of trees, which once held the moisture. "See, the moisture is trapped with little moisture elves in the trees when the tree is cut down. The glacier elves used to trade leather goods for water and when the tree elves are gone the market dries up and the glacier elf colonies move away. Sort of like out sourcing. That causes the glacier to shrink. It's basic economics any school boy would know if we could teach the evolution controversy in our schools."

"One by one, you can refute everything they are saying," Inhofe said. "You just have to believe whatever the voices in your head tell you."

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

We're Here to Broker A Peace. As Long As You Lose And We Win

OK Mr. Scary Arab Terrorist Dude. Time to pack up your Katyusha and start thinking about those 72 virgins 'cause Condi's in town and she's got her booty kickin' boots on. Sure, she sneaked into town almost two weeks after the fighting started, stayed long enough to finish half her Cappuccino and left before her chauffeur had a chance to hit the head, but it's the appearance that counts, right? Just ask the president.

US Secretary of State Condolezza Rice, who has been steadfast in her support for Israel's fruitless war on Hezbollah, said she wanted an "urgent ceasefire," but insisted it should be sustainable. "By that we mean that there would be no militants left to shoot back at our friends the Israelis. "

At least eight civilians were killed, including children, when Israeli fighter jets pounded southern Lebanon, turning homes to rubble. "Or no Lebanon, whichever."

Rice held window dressing talks in Beirut and Jerusalem at the start of a show mission to act like she cared about ending the conflict in Lebanon, where deadly violence raged on for the 13th straight day. "We're here to see that nothing is done until Hezbollah is crushed," said an aide to the Secretary. "Because we believe that if the Israelis attack the militants the same way they have for the last sixty years, it will work this time."

She arrived in Israel late Monday with Washington saying it was now spearheading international diplomatic efforts to end a conflict that has killed 373 people in Lebanon, most of them civilians, in barely two weeks. "That's right," Rice told reporters. "And as soon as my bombs get here we gonna be doin' some spearheading on your skinny butt Mr. His Bollah or Naz Rallah, or whatever you call yourself, 'cause we're all about peace and stuff."

Her visit came as Washington appeared increasingly estranged from many European and Arab allies over Israel's massive onslaught that has set off fears of a humanitarian disaster as thousands of foreigners and Lebanese flee. "Hey, you want to make an omelet, you got to break some eggs," Rice said.

Despite Israeli claims it would quickly hobble Hezbollah, a minister said it was time for the government to reevaluate its goals. "We raised hopes too high by promising to disarm Hezbollah's armed wing and decapitate its leadership. Of course, we've been saying that for the last sixty years. You'd think the militants would get the message by now, but no, they just keep blowing things up and making us wreck another country."

Israel's failure to knock out Hezbollah despite its vastly superior military might and has now caused it to accept the placement of some form of international force in southern Lebanon, currently in the grip of the Shiite militia. "Yeah. We've been bombing these guys for sixty years and they're still around. Maybe this isn't such a good strategy," said one Israeli commander.

Streams of people have been making a desperate trek from the area after Israel ordered them to leave their homes and massed troops on the border. The offensive has left Lebanon virtually cut off from the world, made hundreds of thousands of people refugees in their own country and destroyed billions of dollars of infrastructure. "Hey, what'd I tell you?" Rice asked. "Omelet. Eggs. You want peace? We have to win. Besides, the weather's OK over here. People can live outside most of the year."

Israel launched a public relations offensive led by its best-known elder statesman Shimon Peres to tell the world why it was not yet silencing its guns. "The free world is facing a threat, the goal of Hezbollah is to set the world aflame and we will not let them succeed," Israeli Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni said. "We will set the world aflame ourselves first. What's that Secretary Rice always says about the omelet?"

Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah remained defiant, vowing that deeper incursions would not stop the rocket fire, and ruling out any efforts for a negotiated settlement unless it involved a prisoner swap. "We are truly in a state of war and Hezbollah's priority is to stop the savage Zionist aggression on Lebanon," he told As-Safir newspaper. "Well, actually we don't care too much about Lebanon because it isn't our country. We're just renting."

As the bombardments continued, foreign governments have laid on ferries, warships and cruise liners to evacuate stranded nationals, mainly to the nearby resort island of Cyprus which has been battling to find temporary accommodation and flights for the estimated 70,000 evacuees at peak summer holiday season. "One thing the US and her allies can agree on is that it's important to get the white folks out," said a State Department spokesperson.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Join Sergeant Friendly Is Waiting For You

Boo Yah! The Marines are looking for a few good men. OK, more than a few. And they don't really care how good they are. And they don't have to be men, so they've taken a page out of the sexual predator's dating handbook and signed up on MySpace.

MySpace.Com is the Internet's most popular social networking site with over 94 million registered users. Teens looking to hook up with a friend on the popular Web community may bump into an unexpected buddy: the U.S. Marine Corps. So far, over 12,000 Web surfers have signed on as friends of the Corps in response to the latest military recruiting tactic.

Over 430 people have asked to contact a Marine recruiter through the site in the five months since the page went up, including some 170 who are considered "targets" or prospective Marine recruits. When asked if a response of 170 out of 94 million was acceptable, a Marine spokesperson replied that it wasn't easy finding people who didn't read the papers or watch the news.

Patrick Baldwin, an 18-year-old recruit from Saratoga, N.Y., who linked his profile to the Marines' site after hearing about it from a friend, said MySpace was a good place for interested teens to start learning more about the Marines. "The more information they give you the less you have to worry about. At least that's what they told me," said Baldwin, who left for boot camp a few weeks ago. When asked how he felt about serving in the war in Iraq Baldwin replied "What war in Iraq? Man. I gotta start reading the papers and watching the news."

"That's the kind of guy we like," said Gunnery Sgt. Brian Lancioni at a Hawaii recruiting event. "Everything's technical with these kids, and the Internet is a great way to show what the Marine Corps has to offer. Well, except for the dying in a meaningless war part. We tend to keep that on the down low."

The Army initially posted ads on MySpace in January but withdrew them a month later when reports emerged about child predators approaching youths via the site. MySpace has since assured the Army it has better security protections in place.

"Turns out it was the Marines all along. We just thought they were predators," said Louise Eaton, media and Web chief for the U.S. Army Accession Command. "We like to go to where the kids are away from their parents to try to inform them of the opportunities we offer, like free artificial limbs, post traumatic stress syndrome counseling, and colorful ribbons."

As for other branches, the Air Force places regular advertisements on MySpace, but doesn't have a profile. The Navy hasn't used MySpace. "We don't have as many units in Iraq so recruiting hasn't been as tough for us," said a Navy spokesman.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

We've written before about the overlords love for their, most recently the impassioned speech by Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park owner George Carney who, speaking for caring overlords all over the world, defended the quality care and loving commitment that is a hallmark of the racing industry. Well, there is this, but hey, nobody's perfect. Umm...and this. And...well...just when you think you've had enough, this.

So it's pretty well established that people like overlord Carney are so deep in the state of denial their rose colored glasses need rose colored glasses, or completely disconnected from this space time continuum, or creatures with souls so black and hearts so empty that they hardly qualify as members of the human race.

After reading this, we vote for the latter.

An investigation by The Sunday Times newspaper focused on a site in the Durham area of northern England where it said some 10,000 former racing greyhounds had been put down over the past 15 years, simply because they had become too old to compete. It alleged the animals were killed with a bolt gun – which is legal under current law.

You read that right. A bolt gun. Which is legal. Several papers in England also broke the story. If you haven't eaten yet, you can read more here and here, but we recommend this one which interviews the sorry mass of protoplasm masquerading as a man.

An alleged "man" at the centre of a greyhound slaughtering storm yesterday said the affair had caused him "massive distress" but refused to talk about his actions. David Smith spoke briefly after arriving at his home, which overlooks land where he is said to have killed and buried around 10,000 greyhounds.

Oh...poor baby. Can't sleep well? Having a little trouble focusing? Can't seem to enjoy your life these days? Could it be because you're soul has rotted out and your heart is the size of a BB? Just asking.

And here's the topper. The problem isn't that the guy killed 10,000 greyhounds simply because they couldn't help their overlords make the trailer payment. "Well, let's not get carried away here," said a racing industry spokeperson. "It's not like they are pets or anything. It's not like they're Fluffy or Fido. They're professional athletes. And what do we do with professional athletes when they can no longer compete in their sport? We...We...OK bad example."

No, the problemm is that the massive burial site may be a health hazard. A Sunday Times investigation claimed David Smith, of Seaham, County Durham, had shot 10,000 dogs with a bolt gun and buried them in his allotment. The spokesman added that any public health issues arising from the burial of dogs on Mr Smith's land were a matter for the local authority and not the police. Durham Police said Mr Smith has committed no offence. They said the builders' merchant held the bolt gun legally.

"Committed no offense." And after the police spokesman said that, his head did not explode. We, however, must quit this post before ours does.

Jolly, as members of the human race, we're profoundly sorry to be associated with right now, please, when dogs take over the word, don't eat us.

Jolly is confident, independent, and quiet. She is also very loving. She does not mind spending time alone as long as she knows where you are. She likes to give kisses and enjoys being petted. She loves to play with toys and loves to scatter them about the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

We're The Good Guys. When We Break The Law It's The "Adaptive Justice" Protocol

OK look, the rap against president Bush has been that he's incompetent, inefficient and disconnected from reality, but when you take a close look at his policies you can see the stunning brilliance and breathtaking originality of his mind.

The Office of Professional Responsibility announced earlier this year it could not pursue an investigation into the role of Justice lawyers in crafting the program because it could not obtain security clearance to examine the classified program. "Right." Gonzales said. "What part of 'secret program of eavesdropping' don't you understand?"

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said that President Bush personally blocked Justice Department lawyers from pursuing an internal probe of the warrantless eavesdropping program that monitors Americans’ international calls and e-mails when terrorism is suspected. "The president was concerned that taking time away from our eavesdropping to comply with laws would unnecessarily complicate our ability to find out who's in league with the the terrorists." Gonzales said.

Under sharp questioning from Senate Judiciary Committee chairman Arlen Specter (R-Siryessir), Gonzales said that Bush would not grant the access needed to allow the probe to move forward. "This invasion of American's personal liberties and freedoms is essential to the protection of our personal liberties and freedoms," he said. "If we allow it to be investigated for compliance with our laws, we will be deprived of one of our most valuable weapons...the ability to do whatever we want to...just because a small minority of Americans think laws are more important than the president's judgment."

Bush’s 2001 directive authorized the National Security Agency to monitor — without court warrants — the communications of people on U.S. soil when noncompliance with administration policies is suspected. The administration initially resisted efforts to write a new law, contending that no legal changes were needed because laws were meant for people outside of the Bush White House. But after pretty much everyone in the country except Rush Limbaugh figured out that Bush thought the Constitution was a tourist attraction in Massachusettsetts, administration officials have grown more open to legislation.

"It's not that we're against obeying existing laws," Gonzales told a Senate panel. "It's just that in order to obey the law you have to know what it says and...well...the president reads really slowly. Plus he needs to have his dictionary right there with him. The vice president said it was OK. If you have a problem with the program, take it up with him."

Under a deal with Senator Specter Bush agreed conditionally to a court review of his antiterror eavesdropping operations. "The condition is that they have to agree our program is legal before we'll let them see it," said Tony Snowjob, White House Press Secretary.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

We've Been Out Of Town. You Mean He's Still President?

Oh, we're back baby. The wit and wisdom of the inhabitants of the marbled halls have been on the road these last couple of days. Yeah. It was a small car. Anyway did you miss us? Did you even notice we were gone? If you you did you probably need more to do.

Anyway we're back at IM Central now and ready to dispense the erudite, cogent and timely observations you've come to expect from us. really do need more to do.

So what's president Stumpy been up to these last couple of days? Let's see. He used a swear word and several media outlets wet themselves. Apparently it's OK to drag the world to the brink of armageddon, just don't get all fowl mouthed about it.

Back home after molesting the German Chancellor, Bush is ready to veto the stem cell research bill because all life is precious and needs to be protected. Well, except for Iraqi life. And Lebanese life. And the folks in Darfur. Oh, and kids. Let's not forget about kids. "Look, our job is to get you born." White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob told reporters. "After that, you're on your own. Is it our fault you weren't born into a rich family?"

Yeah. We see where you're coming from. Oh, look here, Bush plans to speak to the NAACP for the first time since he was a candidate. This ought to be interesting. Tony Snowjob said Bush decided to speak to the group Thursday because of "a moment of opportunity" for the president to lie about his civil rights record. "He figures he can say what he wants and no one will notice because black people are all on the crack, you know? It's a perfect audience for us."

Bush's decision comes in a critical midterm election year, when Republicans fear losing control of Congress and Bush has been working to get more votes for the GOP. Bush received just 11 percent of the black vote in the 2004 election. "The president plans to use our support of the voting rights act as a platform to attract black voters," Snowjob said. "Oh, wait. We didn't support that. Let me get back to you."

You do that. We'll be on the road.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Dang activist judges! The state’s highest court on Thursday ruled that a ballot question that would have banned greyhound racing in Massachusetts should not appear on the November ballot, ending a second bid by racing opponents. Sure. We bet if Jesus had been mentioned somewhere in the proposition it would have passed with flying colors.

The court said Attorney General Tom Reilly's office should not have certified the question because it also seeks to expand criminal laws that penalize dog fighting and the neglect or abuse of dogs. The court found the question could confuse voters by combining several different questions into one. "See, the problem is greyhounds aren't really dogs," said George Carney, owner of the Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park. "We like to call them out little profit centers.

Carney’s attorney, Joel Kozol, said “It bears out the proposition that the voters are entitled to an up or down vote, and the attempt to mix in unrelated matters was improper. I mean come on, putting greyhounds in the same category with working dogs like police dogs? What's up with that?”

"Just look at them. Do they look like dogs to you?" Careny added.

Yeah. You get mistaken for George Clooney all the time don't you Bowtie?

Bowtie is definitely a momma’s boy. He is loving and affectionate. He is a big leaner, he will press his body against you for attention. He is laidback and mellow. He has his playful moments and he loves to run in the yard. He also likes to sunbathe. He was found in a shelter in June 2006. He was initially shy and fearful in his foster home, but now he is very relaxed – part of the family. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Oh, There's A Law About That?

We're coming to you today from the Make A Virtue Of Necessity Department here in the Marbled Halls of IM Central where we are proud to present the Bush Administration's latest version of When A Smackdown Isn't Really A Smackdown.

All US military detainees, including those at Guantanamo Bay, are to be treated in line with the minimum standards of the Geneva Conventions. The White House announced the shift in policy after the US Supreme Court ruled that the conventions applied to detainees. "Well, 'shift' is such a perjorative word," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "We prefer to call it a flexation, as in 'the policy underwent a flexation that re-established a relationship...which we aren't admitting didn't previously exist...but if it had, then this flexation would have been adequate to adjust for the disconnect...seeming disconnect...with previously established so called international, for lack of a better word, Clear now?"

President Bush had long fought the idea that US detainees were prisoners of war entitled to Geneva Convention rights. "Funny story there," said Snowjob. "When the president heard 'convention' he immediately thought of an open bar, strippers, coke in the hotel know, convention stuff. We explained that this was a different kind of convention. He understands better now. We used visual aids."

The Pentagon outlined the new standards to the military in a memo. Tony Snowjob said that the Pentagon directive did not represent a change: "It is not really a reversal of policy. Humane treatment has always been the standard, but heck, when have we ever lived up to any standard in this administration?"

Bush was dealt a blow when the Supreme Court ruled it had overstepped its authority in setting up the tribunals, so Republican senators immediately began planning how to win congressional approval for new tribunals. "Well, whenever we break the law we just change the law," said Snowjob. "It's a lot easier know...actually having to obey it and all. If we do that, the terrorists win."

President Bush told reporters he promised to take the findings of the court "very seriously." When asked if that meant he was actually going to obey the law the president responded, "Probably not, but that will be classified information and any leakers will be prosecuted for treason. I'm looking at you Laura. Let's just settle this between ourselves."

Within minutes of the court ruling, a small group of Republican senators were trying to sort out the mess. "This 'Nation of Laws, not of Men' thing gets pretty freaking inconvenient at times like this," said senator Bill Frist, (R-DeathcabforKitty).

A former military lawyer who is leading the efforts to salvage the tribunal system, Senator Lindsey Graham, (R- Cracker) predicted that the Senate would begin work on ideas for new tribunals within weeks and vote on the plan in September. "Forget that Medicare stuff. Who cares about Social Security? This is important. We got brown people getting white people rights here. That's not the America I grew up in." the Senator said.

Meanwhile, Sen Arlen Specter (R - Whatever), a moderate Republican who chairs the powerful judiciary committee, introduced an "Unprivileged Combatant Act" which would, he said, balance "the need for national security with the need to kick us some A Rab butt."

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Excuse Us While We Fall Through This Rabbit Hole

OK, full disclosure. We never liked economics. Just don't get it. So you got your supply and your demand, but when you've got someone "supplying" us with something we really don't want or need then they have to create the demand which means the supplier controls the demand, so the whole equation gets skewed. So is that the relationship we should be studying instead of how slick the supplier is at getting us to want something we wouldn't ordinarily want. You see our dilemma.

Which is why we're going to need someone to explain this to us.

President Bush touted new deficit figures Tuesday showing considerable improvement upon earlier administration predictions, saying it shows the wisdom of his tax cuts. Bush said the improvement is due to tax cuts he pushed in 2001 and 2003. Impressive profits and big income gains by the wealthy are largely responsible for the surge in revenues and, in turn, the deficit drop.

So, the deficit went down because the president cut taxes leading to an increase in taxes paid to the government. All together now...Whaaaa?

"Economic growth fueled by tax relief has sent our tax revenues soaring," Bush said. "But that's nothing compared to how much more money my corporate friends are making. Heck they're raking in so much they aren't even bothering to shelter it from the government anymore. Now is that economic growth or what?"

When asked if he felt his tax policy had improved economic conditions for groups in America other than corporations and the wealthy, Bush replied that he wasn't aware that there were other groups. "You aren't talking about immigrants are you? You mean the guest workers?"

"Any statistic you look at recognizes the rich in America are getting richer, the poor are getting poorer and the middle class is getting squeezed." said Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid, D-Imafeistyguy.

"Oh, you mean democrats," Bush replied. "Yeah. Whatever."

However, the results are less impressive when compared to the $318 billion deficit posted last fall for fiscal 2005. Despite strong revenues, the high costs of the Iraq war and Gulf Coast hurricane relief have weighed on the deficit — as have higher interest payments paid on the national debt. "Look, this whole 'put it in context' thing is beginning to annoy me," the president said. "The American people don't want the big picture. Heck, they don't even want the little picture. Why do you think they elected me twice? OK, once, but it was the second time. More people voted for American Idol than for me. You really think they want me to take this stuff seriously?"

"Bold pro-growth tax policies enacted by a sycophant Congress and the clueless president have sparked unprecedented economic growth," said Senate Budget Committee Chairman Judd Gregg, R-Smoochisbutt, "Uhh...unless you're one of those people who has to work for a living."

"We've had extraordinarily good profit growth, and when you have better profit growth than wage growth you tend to have windfall tax revenues because taxes on profits are higher than taxes on wages," said Diane Swonk, chief economist for Mesirow Financial, a Chicago-based financial services firm. "Or, to look at it another way, people who are two paychecks from living in poverty don't tend to pay a lot of taxes. But we're working on that."

Some budget experts say the steep rise in tax receipts looks more impressive than it really is since revenues are bouncing back from a three-year decline during Bush's first term, drops not seen since the Great Depression. "There's that 'context' thing again." Bush said. I told you guys to quit doing that. Don't make me get the vice president down here."

Friday, July 07, 2006

Friday Hound Blogging

Man, big doings in Massachusetts. A group of animal-rights activists, which calls itself the Committee to Protect Dogs, announced that it collected 150,000 signatures for a petition to send the proposal to the voters. That's more than 13 times the number of signatures state law requires to get such an initiative on the ballot.

Thirteen times the number of signatures required. What do the overlords think of that? The act is confusing, Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park owner George Carney said, because the proposed ban on greyhound racing is packaged with initiatives to create more severe punishments for people who abuse police dogs or partake in dog fighting. "People are going to read that and think we abuse the units."

"State records show that hundreds of greyhounds are seriously injured while racing in Massachusetts, including dogs that suffer broken legs, cardiac arrest, seizures and spinal cord paralysis," Christine Dorchak, chairwoman of the Committee to Protect Dogs said.

"Yeah, well there is that," Carney replied.

Carney's attorney, Joel Kozol, argued that besides being misleading, the Dog Protection Act is unconstitutional. "Look, these guys have a right to make a living. Well, actually it's the dogs who do all the work, but still..."

A shutdown of the racing industry would hurt Raynham's economy, Selectman Donald McKinnon said. "People have a right to their opinion, and I'm of the opinion dead end, low skill jobs are vital to the town of Raynham," McKinnon said. Between 400 and 500 of people at the greyhound park could lose their low wage no benefit jobs if racing is banned, Carney said. "There just aren't enough Walmarts in the area to take up slack like that," he added.

Raynham-Taunton Manager Gary Temple said he thinks voters will side with the racing industry. "We're confident that if the truth gets out, people will see how the dogs are mistreated and we'll have to run a misinformation campaign, just like we did in 1999. That was a close vote, but we managed to distract people just enough."

Misinformation huh? Finally something the overlords are good at, right Pheobe?

Pheobe is very sweet and likes to be at your side all the time. She is gentle, but likes to play. She is very affectionate. She gives kisses and loves to be petted all over. She likes to roll back and forth on her back. She really enjoys playing, and will turn herself quickly in circles when laying on a beanbag. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Rather Have Him Driven Than Let Him Into The Driver's Seat

OK, we have to admit that when we first read this headline we thought, how responsible, the president has started using a designated driver. Then we read the article and realized the headline didn't have anything to do with the story which confused us even more until we realized it was a story about Bush foreign policy--it shouldn't make sense.

From deteriorating security in Afghanistan and Somalia to mayhem in the Middle East, confrontation with Iran and eroding relations with Russia, the White House suddenly sees crisis in every direction. "Sure it's true that our foreign policy sucks rocks," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "But we feel we should at least get points for consistency."

"I am hard-pressed to think of any other moment in modern times where there have been so many challenges facing this country simultaneously while the country was being run by such a colossal crew of inept clowns." said Richard N. Haass, a former senior Bush administration official.

"Mr. Bush will hand over a White House to a successor that will face a far messier world, with far fewer resources left to cope with it, but then, I guess that's what he's always done. It's just that this time daddy and his rich friends can't make things right."

White House officials emphatically reject such pessimism. "We're very upbeat around here," said Snowjob. "Drunk a lot too, but very upbeat."

"This is a government distracted by the fact that it is asked to walk and chew gum at the same time. Plus the president has been consumed by the the high number of shiny things in the oval office," said Moiss Na­m, editor of Foreign Policy magazine.

National security adviser Stephen J. Hadley said in an interview yesterday that such criticism is misplaced, adding that victory in Iraq is crucial to success in fighting terrorists and in creating a new democracy that could serve as a beacon to other Middle Eastern countries. "Of course if you're expecting a strategy for victory from a bunch of idiots like us you probably believe in the tooth fairy," he added.

Hadley agreed that there are "a lot of issues in motion right now" on the international front. "In some sense, it was destined to be, because we have a president that spent most of his adult life as a drug addict and alcoholic, so we really shouldn't expect that he would have a real firm grasp on reality. Hey, you elected him. Twice. OK, once, but that was the second time. What were you expecting, Einstein?"

Madeleine K. Albright said that the United States now faces the "perfect storm" in foreign policy. "Bush, Rumsfeld and Rice. It can't get much worse than that."

Even neoconservative hawks who have been generally supportive of the administration on Iraq and other issues said they are worried about the direction of American foreign policy. "We were willing to accept the fact that Bush is mostly clueless, but who knew the rest of his administration had the combined IQ of tree moss?" said William Kristol, editor of the Weekly Standard and a leading conservative commentator.

"North Korea is firing missiles. Iran is going nuclear. Somalia is controlled by radical Islamists. Iraq isn't getting better, and Afghanistan is getting worse,"Kristol said . "I give the president a lot of credit for learning to tie his own shoes, but I am worried that particular skill isn't really useful on the international front."

Senior administration officials said the United States is in a much stronger diplomatic position than it has been in the past in dealing with adversaries such as North Korea and Iran. Then they burst out laughing and had to be escorted from the room.

Both Democrats and Republicans insisted that the United States can deal with multiple crises, but some questioned how effectively. Well, actually all questioned how effectively. "When the Commander in Chief makes Bozo the Clown look like Winston Churchill, you know you've got problems," said on unidentified Democrat.

"It's like a juggler. You have to keep all the balls going. Any one of them that is out of trajectory threatens all the others," said Zbigniew Brzezinski. "It's been six years and so far Bush hasn't learned how to juggle one ball without hurting himself."

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

We're Thinking Of Bringing Wile E Coyote In On The Next Launch

We wrote once before about the North Korean's threat to launch a missile aimed at the Pacific Ocean and how we really didn't think activating our inoperable missile defense shield was the best way to scare them into converting to Christianity and accepting baseball as the national pastime.

Well, now they've gone and launched that missile, and a bunch more it seems, and it turns out we didn't need our unworkable missile defense shield after all because the North Koreans missed their target. All 64,000,000 square miles of it.

US and regional officials said Wednesday the first set of missiles, including five short- and medium-range models as well as the Taepodong-2 which failed shortly after launch, splashed down in the Sea of Japan. "In retrospect we should have been suspicious of parts that came from eBay." A spokesperson for the North Korean government said.

The test launches by the Stalinist state triggered a flurry of diplomatic initiatives, headlined by a meeting of the powerful 15-member UN Security Council to discuss the crisis. "Well, these guys barely got the missiles off the ground," a UN aide said. "So I don't know if crisis is the right word, but still, they have such a nice buffet at the Security Council cafeteria we couldn't pass up the opportunity. Try the chipotle chicken. It's to die for."

In the first comment from North Korea, foreign ministry official Ri Pyong Dok reportedly said the launches were an issue of national sovereignty. "Look, we don't play soccer, we don't ski, and we can't play tennis because peasants keep planting corn on the courts. You got to give us something, you know?"

China, considered to exert the greatest influence on North Korea, issued a subdued reaction calling on "relevant sides" to "remain calm and exercise restraint. "We are seriously concerned about the incident that has already happened," Beijing's foreign ministry said in a statement on its website. "We find it is easier to be concerned about things that have already happened than to worry about what might happen. It's a zen thing, you westerners wouldn't understand."

The US said it was going on the diplomatic counter-offensive and condemned the missile tests as "provocative acts," even though they posed no immediate threat. "Hey. Iraq wasn't a threat either and look what we did to them. Just saying North Korea," said a State Department spokesperson.

South Korea threatened to stop shipments of rice and other humanitarian aid to its impoverished northern neighbor, and put its military on high alert. "Somebody told us they were making rocket fuel out of fermented rice," explained an aide to Foreign Minister Ban Ki-Moon. "Oh wait, that's saki. No wonder the missile went sideways."

The US missile defense system based in California, Alaska and onboard US Navy ships had been on high alert in anticipation of the Taepodong-2 test and was ready to shoot down any missile if it threatened US territory. "We're about as close to shooting down one of their missiles as they are to hitting the Pacific," said a Pentagon spokesman who requested anonymity.

Monday, July 03, 2006

And Right After This Hearing, I'm Going To Get Me One A Them Color Tee Vees

Now, generally we here in the marbled halls of IM Central like to tread the less worn paths around the internets, preferring to leave the more timely bloviating to our betters (who are not hard to find, by the way, but that's another story). This, however is too good to pass up, even though it has been written about by every body.

Senator Ted Stevens (R- Anachronism) is the Chair of the Senate Commerce Committee, which oversees those pesky internets. In an effort to explain the highly technical and complex net neutrality bill, the good Senator offered himself as an example of the difficulties of negotiating a cyberspace that has not yet become the private profit domain of the Telcom companies.

I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why?

Umm...because it takes a long time to download a complete internet...even when the porn sites are filtered out. They were filtered out, right Senator Stevens?

So you want to talk about the consumer? Let's talk about you and me. We use this internet to communicate and we aren't using it for commercial purposes.

That's why eBay is such an unpopular site. Don't know how they even stay in business.

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes.

Did he just say the internet was a series of tubes?

Why yes. Yes he did. He did just say the internet is a series of tubes.

And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material. And it just breaks my heart to see this enormous amount of material holding back important information on male erectile dysfunction from those who suffer this devastating condition. Not me though, I"m talking about Dole here.

Well, yeah. And what about those of us who ! Need a{} Diploma?, or want to take advantage of Buy 1 get 1 fr ee Rol ex Rep licas, or who seek the miracle of hoodia? Who's looking out for us? Senator Stevens, that's who.

It's not using the messaging service that is essential to small businesses, to our operation of families.

Right. Our family hasn't been operating right since...well, we're not sure our family ever operated right. You say that's because of the internets, Senator Stevens? Dang. So much for the restraining order.

The whole concept is that we should not go into this until someone shows that there is something that has been done that really is a violation of net neutrality that hits you and me.

Right. We couldn't agree more. In fact we...we...we're sorry what did you say?