Tuesday, June 09, 2009

And If you Run Out Of Wine, Try A Strawberry Margarita

You know, a lot of people recently have been all up in the church's grill saying they're like, out of sync with the world, behind the times and just generally whack. We're talking about people like Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, Dick Cheney...

Wait, what?

Yeah, Dick Cheney.

That's uh...that's a little disturbing, what with Cheney being the devil's spawn and all. We may have to rethink this whole post. Please enjoy this musical interlude while we visit the Stoli cabinet:

OK, here's what we came up with. This is sort of like choosing up sides for baseball when you were a little. There's always one kid who's pretty much a klutz and no one wants, but when it gets down to it, you gotta have a right fielder so, you take him. Well, imagine that kid had to go home for an asthma treatment and that left Cheney.

Well, you come up with something better then, we're getting back to our story.

To recap: People say church bites. We say, not so fast there, pilgrim. A while back we told you about the new Prayer by Pay Pal service offered by the Church of AT&T. This is cutting edge stuff. As the brochure says,
Information Age Prayer is a subscription service utilizing a computer with text-to-speech capability to incant your prayers each day. It gives you the satisfaction of knowing that your prayers will always be said even if you wake up late, or forget. We use state of the art text to speech synthesizers to voice each prayer at a volume and speed equivalent to typical person praying. Each prayer is voiced individually, with the name of the subscriber displayed on screen.
Yeah. Who among us hasn't woken up late, or forgot god is sitting by the phone waiting for our call? Happens to us all the time. Well, with Pay Pal Prayer, god doesn't have to worry about making his tee time because your request to win the lotto, or have him get his smite on will arrive on time, every time.

Top that Allah.

Still not convinced? How about free home delivery of communion?

Yes, that's right worshipers. Big game this Sunday? Stay out too late Saturday? Whatever the reason, you never have to miss mass again because mass will come to you. We're not talking about just tuning to the public access channel while you search for your pants either, we're talking about the whole enchilada:
Archbishop Jonathan Blake, a former Anglican priest who is now a bishop of the Open Episcopal Church, has hit on a neat solution to the problem of worshipers who cannot get to his Eucharists. He consecrates the host, then pops it in the post to allow members of the public to say their own "Masses."
And that's not all! Act now and receive 10 pre-consecrated hosts for the low low price of $16.17! That's a savings of over $13 off the single host price! Whole wheat hosts available upon request. Offer void where prohibited, all taxes apply, celebrants must supply their own wine.
Once the host arrives, there's no need to construct a tabernacle: "People can carry a Host with them on a neck chain or in a specially adapted wallet for emergencies or just to have that sense that Jesus is with them throughout the day."
Oh, we have so got to have one of those specially adapted wallets for emergencies.

1 comment:

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Wow! Great post, and the video was truly disturbing with the giant heads bobbing around.

Very witty!

Religion all by itself is capable of doing some terrible things. But once it becomes commodified, the ugliness deepens.

We have gone from Vending Machine God to Gucci Accessory God in 8 scintillating colors to match your favorite outfit and reflect your moods.