Tuesday, May 12, 2009

And Not Only That, He Used His Mind Powers To Give Me Man Boobs

Uh oh. Alert fellow islamofascistcommieninjawarriors: The republicans are on to us! Code Mao! Code Mao! Meet in the secret underground hide out behind the Seven Eleven at 1400 hours. Sign: Wanda Sykes is a nephrologist. Countersign: Dijon mustard tastes good on my I Hate America sandwich.

U.S. Rep. Pete Sessions of Dallas, a member of the House Republican therapy group, is accusing President Barack Obama of intentionally driving up unemployment and dampening stock prices in a bid to consolidate power. When asked how one person could do all that, Sessions replied that he had sensed "thought emanations" coming from the White House and had noticed that since Bush left office a little over 100 days ago the economy hasn't improved. "What other conclusion could you logically draw?" he asked.

Sessions told The New York Times that the administration intends to “diminish employment and diminish stock prices” as part of a “divide and conquer” strategy. When asked how making both workers and investors poorer was a divide and conquer strategy, Sessions replied that "Everyone knows poor people vote democratic, so by...um...ah...well, OK maybe it's a combine and conquer strategy. I'm still working out the details."

And he asserted that the Obama agenda is “intended to inflict damage and hardship on the free enterprise system, if not to kill it.” A reporter asked if it wasn't more accurate to say the banking, auto and other executives who had run their businesses into the ground in a competition to see who was more greedy or more stupid weren't more responsible for inflicting damage and hardship on the free enterprise system. "Greedy and stupid? You're talking about my base," Sessions replied.

White House aides declined to comment. One aide, who spoke on condition of anonymity said that the White House had a policy of not responding to comments made by anyone with an IQ lower than that of beach sand.

Sessions, elected to his seventh House term last fall, by people who order from restaurant menus by pointing at the pictures and grunting, chairs the National Republican Congressional Committee, the party organization that defends incumbents and tries to win more House seats.

Hey Pete, how's that working out for you?

The NRCC’s chief spokesman, Ken Spain, defended the allegation that Obama – who has repeatedly vowed to help the economy recover – secretly welcomes a slump in employment and investments. "Look, he's black and he's left handed. What more evidence do you want that everything he says is the opposite of what he means?"

This isn’t the first time since Sessions took the clown car committee chairmanship last fall that aides have been asked to explain statement taken in some quarters as inflammatory.

"Inflammatory? How about off the rails whacko?" Spain said. "You should hear the stuff he says around us. We have to keep a loaded tranquilizer gun in the office for when he really gets wound up."

In February, Sessions told the National Journal that Republicans, as the minority party, might emulate insurgents such as the Taliban. Insurgency, we understand perhaps a little bit more because of the Taliban," he said at the time. "They went about systematically understanding how to disrupt and change a person's entire processes…. I'm not trying to say the Republican Party is the Taliban, but if it was, Rush would totally be our Mullah Mohammed Omar."

We've rebalanced his meds since then," Spain said

OK, but you better increase the dose in the tranquilizer gun as well.

2 comments:

Seeing Eye Chick said...

I was really expecting to see some uber hot man ta tas in this post. Like many a paperback novel, and university text, I was sorely disappointed when all I saw were words. Meaningless Jibber Jabber about President-Obama, The Anti-Christ and Chief with his sinister left hand and alarmingly excessive melanin production.

Its a sign! A sign! I tell ya!

I know they upped the meds in the tranq gun, but you are operating on the assumption that Limbaugh didn't somehow replace innards of those darts-- with the contents of pixie sticks or something.

Wanda Sykes cracks me up. That the GOP is all up in arms about her comments about Rush---Hmmm, all those racist comments finally come home to roost or what? I mean what did he expect from a African American Commedian? Quarter? Sympathy?
HA!
Gives a whole new meaning to the call, "TWANDA!"

Anonymous said...

It's insanity that there are two "Sessions" named Pete and Jeff, both blood brothers of the secret republics. Could have been comical if either were clever or at least had some form of class. Alas, with one's ears so country- corn, boyish to provoke images of Yee- Haw from the sixties and the other's image all shot to hell from Vegas and porn sites, can anyone at all, take anything they say seriously? Wanda showed a lot of restraint when it came to obliterating the racist monarchies but it is regretful to make a joke of 9-11 when so many died and probably will never heal. Something the Republicans can surely understand, as they are their own worst enemies.