Michigan! Motto: Just Like Mississippi But With Fewer Letters

So today is the day the peoples' representatives in Lansing will vote to make Michigan a Right To Work state, or as one union wag put it, a right to work for less state. He may have a point. Research on right to work, while mixed on the effect it has on creating jobs and improving the economy, does agree on one consistent outcome: wages go down in right to work states.

Now, those of you who were paying attention in Civics class the day they talked about how citizens in a democratic society elect representatives who reflect and support their priorities might wonder why the good citizens of Michigan have elected a group of people determined to make them poorer.

And to you we would say silly, silly persons, have you not been paying attention lately? You still think Congress is a deliberative body, right? You probably thought The West Wing was a reality show. Allow us to purchase a clue for you, Bucko. Elections are no longer about the will of the people, haven't been for a good bit now. They're about the will of the money, specifically in this case Koch brothers' money, and more locally Devos money (that's Mister Amway to you Bub). That's why the republicans are going to push this through with no public hearings, no debate and some legislative sleight of hand that makes the law referendum proof so actual voters can't change it later. Welcome to the new Gilded Age, now get back to work at wages 380 time less than the boss makes.

All of this is presided over by our "tough nerd" governor whose motto is Relentless Positive Action. And what has been the result of this relentless positive action in the two years Snyder has been commuting from his home in Ann Arbor to Lansing because who cares about the price of gas when you're that rich? The poverty rate has risen from 13.5% to 16.8%; we have the ninth largest homeless population of all 50 states and DC; our infant mortality rate is almost 9% higher than the rest of the country; and the unemployment rate is 1.5% higher than the national average, so even if you are working, now you can look forward to less take home pay!

In Snyder's defense, he originally said he didn't want to deal with this right to work stuff because it would be so divisive, then someone said yes you do and he said yes I do because he's a principled leader like a fish is an astronaut.

Today a lot of voters are going to show up in Lansing to say to the people they elected this isn't what we elected you for and those people are going to say why do you think that matters? Michigan will then become a right to work state which won't be the end of it because the one thing democracy still has going for it is that it's all process, which means it's never done. Today the oligarchy wins, but history tells us that the general direction of a democracy over time is one that improves the lives of regular folk.

That's good news bad news though because as democracy lurches around on a general path of progress people suffer, specifically in Michigan's case because this fight is going to take all the energy, attention and will away from real problems in the state like poverty, homelessness and hunger. OK, you're right, our current legislature never cared about those problems anyway, being far more concerned with making blastocysts tax deductible. Our bad.

The good news is this may cause unions to return to their roots as social movements which is what gave them such influence in the first place and got us to the point of having things like minimum wages, 40 hour weeks and workplace safety regulations for all workers, union and non-union alike.

It is ironic though that in a state where manufacturing unions were born one of the greatest corporate overlords of all, Henry Ford, realized that while profit was the ultimate goal, you still had to pay your workers enough to buy your product if you wanted to stay in business over the long term. The Koch's and the Devos' surely get the first part of Ford's lesson, but that part about the interconnectedness of the economy...uh...not so much.

Would It Help Any If I Told You Jesus Told Me To Stop Counting?

OK, we're used to republicans trying to steal elections from democrats. We mean, after all, when your party is bereft of ideas, full of criminals, pedophiles and nut cases and your most rabid supporters believe the end of the world is just a bombed out Arabic country or two away, it's not like you think of yourselves as mainstream.

But even given that professional grade wingnuttery, we find this odd.

Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee challenged the results of his party's weekend caucus in Washington state, where he ran a close second to likely Republican nominee John McCain.

OK, so far not so weird, but wait until you hear the reason Teh Huckster is challenging:

Republican party officials stopped counting with only 87 percent of the vote in. McCain was leading Huckabee by only 242 votes out of approximately 12,000 at the time, with 1,500 votes uncounted, according to the Huckabee campaign.

Now, we're not math majors or anything, but the last time we checked, 1,500 was bigger than 242. Can you explain this Mr. state republican party chair Luke Esser?

“Maybe it would have been safer if I hadn't said anything. But it was an exciting and historic day for the state and I thought if I was confident about what the outcome would be I should share that with the people who had gone out to their caucuses.”

We see. So as a result of your considerable background in predictive statistics, you determined, after careful analysis that at least 1259 of those remaining 1,500 really, really, really liked John McCain?

"Well, actually, I'm a former sports writer and member of the Pro Football Writers of America, who became a lawyer, but I took a stats class at the local community college."

OK, then. We're good with that.

"We're going to demand a full accounting. We're going to see what happened ... It appears that arbitrarily the party chairman just decided that he thought he could see how it was going," Huckabee said.

Well, that's your call governor, but you might want to talk to Al Gore first.

BREAKING: Candidate With More Votes Wins

Super Tuesday! Meh. We can't even get excited enough to make up a drinking game. This sort of reminds us of the car dealer who has the Once In A Lifetime Sale, then the following week has The Sale of a Lifetime! Which lasts until The Greatest Sale Evah!!

After 413, 671 "debates," 14 million appearances on talk shows and eleventy hundred "Town Hall" meetings we are tired of these guys, OK? Oh, and media whores? We're tired of you too. Want to know why? Check this:

Media whore says, "Still, it is hard to overstate the significance of the voting Tuesday..."

Feb. 5 "is quite likely to be muddled," says Lawrence Jacobs, a political scientist at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis.

We often find it difficult to overstate the significance of muddle.

Media whore says, "The candidates' views on economic issues – particularly differences on healthcare – may be pivotal for some voters. But another potent theme will be electability, some analysts say."

In other words, people think about stuff before they vote.

Media whore says, "A race that looked at first like a referendum on the Iraq war is increasingly focused on healthcare costs, job security, and the mortgage crisis."

Holy crap! Things change! Who knew?

Media whore says, "Obama is counting on a decisive victory in his home state of Illinois, with 153 delegates, but is otherwise taking broader aim across the electoral map."

In other news, Hillary Clinton is counting on a decisive victory in her home state of New York, with 281 delegates, but is otherwise taking broader aim across the electoral map.

And this just in, Ocean. Pretty deep. Film at 11.

If you need us, we'll be out back, screaming.

Michigan! Don't Hate The Playa, Hate The Game

You're Welcome.

Michigan! Motto: We Ain't No New Hampshire

Today is primary day in Michigan and we're like totes excited. OK no we're not, in fact we're a little annoyed. Last night we had a twenty minute conversation with a robo-call from TEH HUCKABEEZ!!1!!. We wondered why we couldn't get a word in edgewise, but in our defense we have to say the call did come towards the end of the cocktail hour.

Today on our way to work we were accosted by the Tards of Paul and everywhere we look the smiling countenance of Mitt the Benevolent gazes down upon us. All this would be halfway tolerable if Michigan's primary actually meant something. Yeah, yeah we know, Mitt has to win here or...or what? He has to win here or he has to win somewhere else. Look, the guy has enough money to set up his own country and run for president there if he wants to. He's not dropping out of the race just because no one votes for him.

The democrats in Michigan were bad, bad boys and girls and did not do what their DNC overlords wanted, so they made Edwards and Obama take their names out of contention and refused to let Hillary campaign in the state even though her name is on the ballot. To strike back against the empire the rebels are proposing that everyone go and vote uncommitted.

Guys. If we stay home and watch Judge Judy reruns, how much more uncommitted can we be?

The other plan is for all the democrats to go and vote for Romney instead to mess with the republicans. Hey, have you been paying attention at all? The republicans don't need anyone's help to screw up. You have an empty suit, a fossil, a guy who believes Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs, another fossil, and a racist running for president. You think these guys need help being idiots?

Oh, and Duncan Hunter, whoever he is.

So if you ask us, the whole let's make Michigan relevant by moving our primary up and making the taxpayers cover the cost deal has not turned out to be the resounding success the democrats and republicans had hoped it would be. Well, except for that whole getting us to pay for it thing.

Romney Beats Huckabee in NH. Oh, There's Some Old Guy Too

OK, so the citzens have had two chances to make a choice* and twice Mitt has lost...er...excuse us...twice he's been the first runner up winner. Last week Iowans thought a guy who believes Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs was better suited to be president than he was, and yesterday the voters of New Hampshire picked the last remaining Civil War veteran as their choice over him.

People, people, people. Let's get with the program here. Mitt's spending so much money on this campaign he has to win if for no other reason than by November he'll be totally broke and probably need a place to live. It's the duty of every upright American citizen to vote for him. Also, he's had every opinion that every upright American citizen has had, so there must be something you and Mitt agree on.

Romney's team downplayed the loss and the former Massachusetts governor forecasted later victories would still bring him the GOP nomination. "Look, he's white, rich, male and he tells you what you want to hear. When are you going to realize that's all there is to a republican candidate?" a Romney aide asked reporters.

After back-to-back second-place showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Romney's campaign will move to Michigan next week to try and purchase a much-needed victory. "We figure if worse comes to worst, Utah will be a turnaround state for us," said a campaign aide. "Unless that Huckabee guy converts."

"It'll be much more difficult to come back from two defeats in two states he should have won by any measure," says Costos Panagopoulos, director of the Fordham College Center for Electoral Politics and Democracy in New York City. "Romney needs a win to validate his campaign efforts, his huge on-the-ground structure, his millions spent in ads," Panagopoulos said. "Of course having a position and keeping it for more than twenty minutes would probably help too."

Second place might not be good enough in the eyes of the news media, either, and Romney could be painted as on the way out, said Rich Hanley, director of graduate journalism programs at Quinnipiac University in Connecticut. "Plus, as we all know, the next president will really be chosen by Chris Matthews."

Kirk Jowers, a Romney supporter and friend and head of the University of Utah's Hinckley Institute of Politics, says the loss puts a lot of pressure on the campaign to take Michigan's primary. But, he adds, "On the positive side, Romney has the best organization throughout the states. He has the most money and the most comprehensive battle plan to win. On the negative side, he has no positions, no platform and no beliefs, so it's just about a wash."

"Romney is the one candidate who has not put all of his chips on one state," Jowers said. The fact he is willing to compete in every state makes him far less vulnerable than the media would like to portray. Of course the fact that only people who don't watch the news vote for him is a bit of a drawback, but I'm sure the Romney campaign is working on that."

*We don't count Wyoming because only 12 people showed up and eight of them were drunk.

You Don't Really Have To Win To Win, As Long As You Win

OK, so last week we favored you with our predictions for the Iowa Caucus which turned out pretty well. Sure we totally messed up the Republican side, and it turns out Obama actually won the caucus and not his book as we had predicted, but Edwards came in second and we got that right which puts us in the same league as Bill Kristol, so we're feeling pretty good about now.

This week, however we thought instead of a blanket projection we'd focus in on a single candidate and give you, our reader(s), the benefit of our high powered analytical skills closely focused on a single campaign.

Or we could just pile on Hillary Clinton.

Her front-runner status gone, Democrat Hillary Clinton said she will continue to battle for her party's nomination for the November U.S. presidential election even if Barack Obama doesn't have an "accident" on his way to a campaign rally.

Now what could have happened to upset the apple cart so dramatically in Senator Clinton's campaign? It's got to be the positions of the two candidates, right? We mean, what with all the press coverage and what not, the divergence in their views has got to be out there for all to see. Right Benjamin Ginsberg, a political science professor at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore? "It's Wal-Mart and Kmart - they're occupying the same space."

Oh, well then. Must be the boobies.

Obama, a senator from Illinois bidding to make history as the first black U.S. president, has been capitalizing on his surprise win in the Iowa caucuses. "Oh, yeah. Obama's 'black' like Hillary's a 'woman.'" said a Clinton campaign aide. "OK, that didn't come out right."

Got it. Where's the white guy when you need him?

The Ironicus Maximus Iowa Caucus Prediction Post

We're coming to you today from the Future of Democracy Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The FoD Department is right across from the Office of What Did We Do To Deserve This Company, a wholly owned subsidy of Let's All Move To Belize, Inc.

Like it or not today is caucus day in Iowa (motto: Why Else Would You Come?) and as a public service we thought it would be useful to supply you with the results so you can skip the news and get right to the Stoli. Oh wait, that's us. So, without further ado, the results, all summed up concisely and without the complication of rational thought--just the way voters like it.

The Democrats

Barak Obama: Obviously not in jail or college so does not truly qualify as a black man. Still endorsement by Oprah means his book will will win the caucus.

Hillary Clinton: Invented Al Gore who then invented the Lockbox in which is stored health care for reservists. Will not win in Iowa but will leave Bill stranded at a Marriot in Ottumwa much to the delight of the participants in the Miss Ida County Holstein Kickoff Parade Queen Contest.

John Edwards: Will come in second in Iowa but will miss his flight to New Hampshire while getting a haircut. Later, will come across Tucker Carlson outside a gay bar in Ossipee and beat him senseless with his own umbrella.

Remaining Democrats: Decide to carpool to New Hampshire and are lost in a blizzard outside Minonk, Illinois. The press doesn't notice until May when a rumor surfaces that Kucinich has been kidnapped by the Zeta Reticuli.

The Republicans

Mitt Romney: In a surprise that causes several polling companies to go out of business, Romney wins the caucus handily, but tragically is set upon by a pack of Irish Setters on his way back from his victory party, strapped to the top of a stolen animal control van and driven to Canada where, according to Customs Requirements, he must be quarantined until after the election.

Mike Huckabee: Surprisingly poor showing due to the fact that Huckabee supporters report being stopped at their doors on the way to the caucus by the angel Gabriel and given to believe Huckabee might be a murderer. Later it was determined the "angels" were really Pakistani Police investigating why Huckabee had apologized for the Bhutto assassination, but by that time the caucus was over. Officials of the Pakistani police later apologized for the misunderstanding and promised that agents operating in the United States would wear western style clothes henceforth.

John McCain: Makes a strong second place showing, but decides to leave politics and pursue a singing career. His first album, Straight Talking War Hero produces only one hit, his cover of Neil Young's Old Man.

Rest of the Republicans: Rudy Giuliani and Ron Paul move their campaigns into Second Life where the Ron Paul blimp attempts to recreate the 9/11 attack but Mayor Giuliani, foils the attack by lashing himself to the north Tower and refusing to leave, even after 5:00 pm when all the police and firemen go home. Sends NYPD to pick up his girlfriend so she can bring him fruitcake which he vows to survive on until Osama bin Laden is captured. Meanwhile Fred Thompson admits he thought his whole campaign was an episode of Law and Order. "I've got to pay more attention at rehearsals," the chagrined former candidate told reporters.

I Called You All Here Today To Tell You I'm Not Going To Call My Opponent A Poopyhead

You know, politics in this country has gotten kind of boring. We mean, there's only so many ways you can avoid talking about issues that matter by calling your opponent a homo lover, or a terrorist enabler, or a godless atheist Wiccan virgin sacrificer. Sooner or later, you're going to run out of charges that don't start with Yo momma so ugly...

Which is why we're pleased to see that Mike-God likes me best neener neener neener-Huckabee has instituted a whole new approach to Who Cares What My Position Is, The Other Guy's a Muslim Lover strategy. It's the Evil Spock campaign.

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee aired a negative ad campaign against former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney to a room full of reporters and camera crews in Iowa today -- then announced he had pulled it from paid airwaves.

OK, first of all, how could you "pull" and ad you never put on, but let's not quibble. This is a masterstroke of campaign strategy worthy of General Chang, if not the great Kahn himself. See, every great leader needs little people to do his dirty work so he can remain all leaderly and stuff. And who is more little or more dirty than the press? They're like sand people or something. Oops, think we just mixed our metaphor, but you get the point.

The ad, which Huckabee unveiled in front of a banner that said, "Enough is Enough," questioned Romney's record on immigration, tax reform, crime fighting, animal rights, and healthcare. But Huckabee, who denounced political attack ads, said that he hoped the negative ad produced by his own campaign would not be aired publicly. "Instead I want you guys to get it out on the intertubes for me. Anybody got one of them video phone thingys?" Huckabee asked.

During the press conference with more than 100 reporters, Huckabee was asked if he thought Romney was fit to be president. "Voters can make that decision," he said. "It's not my place to make that decision. But after you guys show them this ad for me, I think it's pretty obvious who god wants in the White House."

"What kind of stupid game is he playing?" said the campaign insider, who did not want to be identified questioning Huckabee's strategy. "To me it's just nuts. I don't understand it."

Umm...Huckabee? Nuts? You're surprised by that?

The advertisement was intended to run after internal debate and a decision that Huckabee needed to respond to the beating he was taking from Romney. "He finally agreed that he wouldn't take it lying down," said the insider.

Oh now that's just too easy, even for us.

"We all can talk about changing the tone of this blog and the direction and the way we write our posts. And sometimes we talk about it and then we end up doing the same things and at some point we have to decide, can we change the kind of blogging and the level of discourse and so we've got to believe that we can but it's got to start somewhere and so it might as well start here and it might as well start with us."

Therefore we will not make the easy homosexual double entendre based on what the insider said about Huckabee's decision. But we will present the remark below so you, the reader, can see what we would have written had we not decided to not write what we wrote:

Well, we already knew that Huck was a dom inionist.

Oh, and don't tell anyone we wrote that out here on the internets where no one can read it or anything.

There Will Be Sacrifices. We May Have To Outlaw Ethnic Foods As Well

Monday we told you about a Mr. John Dunkle whose attempt to bring rationality and comity to the abortion debate through the use of Winchester products was quashed by one of those activist judges. Seems the little pinko's idea of discussion has to do with actual words. Obviously not a John Wayne fan.

Well, to prove you can't keep a good idea down, along comes Tom Tancredo, candidate for president from the Insane Clown Party. In order to further the national discussion on who is best qualified to lead this country out of the current fever swamp we've been wading though for the last seven years, Mr. Tancredo reminds us that if we don't vote for him a brown person will blow up the GAP.

A man in a hooded sweat shirt, a backpack, a crowded mall. The television screen goes dark at the sound of an explosion. Tom Tancredo, the presidential candidate running on a bug eyed, spittle flecked, stumble screaming into the night message, is airing this scene in a television ad. "I made this ad because I believe Americans can never be too frightened." Tancredo told reporters. "Plus it helps me avoid having to talk about stuff like health care and the economy and stuff nobody cares about."

"There are consequences to open borders beyond the 20 million aliens who have come to take our jobs in the lawn care, housekeeping and cab driving industries," a narrator in the spot says. "Islamic terrorists now freely roam U.S. soil, just like blacks and women."

"I have a limited budget so I have to try and cover all my bases in one ad," Tancredo said.

Tancredo, a congressman who has long advocated tight limits on people who aren't lucky enough to be born white, barely registers in public opinion polls. "We just need one GAP to go up and we're right up there with the big boys," said an aide to the congressman. "Heck, even a Crate and Barrel will do. Anything. "

"I approve this message because someone needs to say it," Tancredo says at the beginning of the ad. "And when it gets right down to it, none of the other candidates can put on the crazy like I can."

Well, at least he has one position with which we can agree.

It's Not Murder, It's High Velocity Debate

See, here's the problem with politics in this country: It's basically a seventh grade popularity contest in which no one talks about the issues that concern adults and the media encourages them by being uncomfortably concerned with cleavage and haircuts.

So what happens when someone finally comes along and tries to bring the debate around to issues of the day? What happens when someone attempts to put his or her position out there for the public? Well, that person gets shut down by the man.

A federal judge ordered an anti-abortion activist to remove Web site postings that authorities said exhorted readers to kill an abortion provider by shooting her in the head. "But I meant it in a good way," said John Dunkle, who owns the web page.

Tell it brother. Speak truth to power.

The injunction, sought by prosecutors, also bans him from publishing similar messages containing names, addresses or photographs of health clinic staff members. "I think my rights are being violated," Dunkle said. "I mean, where does it say you can't try and get someone killed? Isn't there something in the Constitution about it? The Burr/Hamilton amendment?"

Which one of those was the pro life guy?

Prosecutors said one posting targeted a former clinician for the Philadelphia Women's Center, and that she later stopped providing reproductive health services because she feared for her life. "Oh, so she thinks just because I put her contact information up on my anti-abortion site someone is going to read that and come looking for her? Boy, she must have a pretty low opinion of the pro-life movement. "

Right on. Any group will have a few whackos in it, but you folks haven't killed anybody in at least a couple of years.

Dunkle said that the postings had been removed."They're down now. I won't put up language that (the judge) has told me not to put up."

One posting, which featured the provider's name, photo and address, stated that "while it does not sound good to say go shoot her between the eyes, it sounds even worse to say let her alone."

"I was just thinking with the holidays coming up she might like some company," Dunkle said.

Right. Can you see now how the system makes criminals out of honest, upstanding citizens?

And By Their Acts You Shall Know Them

Politics make strange bedfellows. Just ask Larry Craig...erm...maybe we should ask Mark Foley...ah...maybe not. How about Neal Horsley...oh...uh... ew? Bob Allen? No, huh? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

OK, so mentioning republicans and bedfellows isn't such a good idea for a family oriented blog, but the point we were trying to make is Pat Robertson (motto: My gaydar cannot be defeated, bitchez) has endorsed Rudy Giuliani (One stop shopping for all things 9/11). In giving his endorsement, Roberts told reporters that god had let 9/11 happen so Giuliani could become president and smite the homos.

The former New York mayor backs abortion rights and gay rights, and dresses in drag. "Yeah, but at least he's no Mormon," Robertson said.

"Besides, I hate all those people now," Giuliani added. Robertson then praised Giulani as a "leading representative of christian values."

Evangelicals have split in their support for the leading republican candidates. Kansas senator Sam Brownback, a favorite of Christian conservatives dropped out of the race last month. Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney recently announced that Paul Weyrich and Bob Jones III were on board with his candidacy. "So I see Giuliani's Robertson, and raise him a Weyrich," Romney said.

When asked how a group of people who purported to have a direct channel to the will of god could be so split on which candidate to choose, Robertson replied that god had been depressed after his Rockies lost the world series in four straight and hadn't been answering his pager. "We're expecting a hurricane or earthquake in Boston any day now," Robertson said. "Maybe locusts."

Later Giuliani's office issued a statement saying that he had been misquoted when he said he was a Sox fan. "He was either drunk or high at the time," the statement said.

God was not available for comment according to Robertson.

How Can We Be In Washington Voting Against Kids When We're In California Pretending To Care About Fire Victims?

We've tried to stay out of this whole SCHIP thing, because, well frankly we're not that big a fan of children. It seems to us they are far too young for their own good, and since they don't have jobs, they're always asking adults for money to buy the things adults are trying to convince them they can't live without.

Anyway, we've been thinking this is just another opportunity for democrats to prove they couldn't pass legislation out of a paper bag if one end was open, but then we read this:

House Republicans are fuming over Democrats' decision to hold the next vote on the State Children's Health Insurance Program when many Republicans will be in California with president Bush staging photo ops in areas hit by wildfires.

"Five to seven members are going, all of whom would be 'no' votes, and [Democrats] know it," House Republican Whip Roy Blunt said. "This is clearly designed to minimize Republican opposition to children. Well, not children, just sick children. I mean poor sick children. Wait. Can we talk about Obama's lapel pin instead?"

At a meeting of Republican House members to discuss the revised bill, Rep. Louis Gohmert of Texas said the Democrats are "taking advantage of a disaster to loot the American treasury. Now granted, we've pretty much finished that job in the last six years, but I just don't want some other cat peeing in my litterbox if you get my drift."

Thirteen Republicans from fire-stricken districts signed a letter to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi urging her as "Teh Cave'n Masta" to postpone the vote. "Members should not have to choose between shafting poor kids in Washington or being in California helping our constituents to get the aid they need to rebuild their homes and their lives," they wrote.

Hahahahaha. "Helping constituents." That's pretty funny. Oh look dear, here comes our Congressperson to stand in front of the smoldering ruins of our house and tell the press he's anti fire and if it wasn't the for the fact that the treasury is broke paying for the war he would certainly vote to give everyone free buckets.


But Democratic House aides defended the scheduling of the vote. Stacey Bernards, spokesperson for House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer, said Democrats are affected by the fires too. "The fires aren't partisan, despite what James Hartline says" she said. "We are very concerned for the victims of the fires but tomorrow's vote outcome will not be affected by Republicans and Democrats who will not be there. They sort of cancel one another out. At least the ones that are sober enough to vote."

In a press conference, Democratic leaders announced the new bill will include changes on major issues that Republicans complained about in the last debate. They said it will tighten the restriction on illegal immigrants receiving SCHIP benefits; cap the income levels of families eligible for SCHIP; move adults out of SCHIP faster; and include new provisions to encourage SCHIP families to keep private health insurance.

Republican Judy Biggert -- who voted against the original bill, described the changes as "cosmetic. They're still giving free medical care to poor kids," she said. "That's just not the American way."

Representative Charles Dent, a Republican who supported the bill, said that he believes there will be "some defections, but not many." He suggested Democrats would win more votes if they held the bill until next week. When asked why he thought that way Dent revised his position. "Coming back from a place where all they had to do was act like they cared to actually doing something that proves they care?. Nah. What was I thinking?"

A House Republican leadership aide who attended their closed door meeting said no members indicated they would change their vote. "Each member has written his original vote on his arm with a Sharpie," the aide said.

If You Think This Is Good, Wait Until You're Old Enough To Vote

Ah, guest speakers. We remember them fondly from our days as inmates of the American educorporate training system. Although truth be told, we weren't allowed access to the general public on too many occasions. It may have had something to do with our willingness to answer rhetorical questions, like the time the local pastor started his talk by asking what religion was. "The organized worship of a deity or deities," said one of the miscreants in the back row.

Kind of took the wind out of the good Padre's sails.

Another time the local shill from the Chamber of Commerce stopped by to extol the virtues of unfettered capitalism. "America is the only place where nothing stands between you and success," says he. "Except the color of your skin," opined Dan, whom everyone referred to as Black Panther Dan due to his rather strong views on race. Oddly enough, years later we were to find out that Black Panther Dan was actually Haitian, not African American as we all had assumed. Don't know why that matters, except it did explain his musical preferences.

Anyway, the point is if we had had guest speaker like this, maybe we'd have all turned out differently, or at least let the speaker get on with his presentation unmolested.

A state legislator surprised a high school class when the computer he was using projected a photo of a nude woman during a lecture on how a bill becomes a law.

OK, given the size of the D.C. Madam's phone book, senator Vitter, and Duke Cunningham, we're not sure that for the republicans, how a bill becomes a law doesn't really involve a naked lady somewhere. Oh, and let's not forget Mark Foley, oh wait, that one is about boys, OK let's do forget that one.

State Representative Matthew Barrett was giving a civics lesson when he inserted a data memory stick into the school computer and the projected image of a topless woman appeared.

Hmmm..."civics lesson." So that's what the kids are calling it these days. And whose "memory stick" was inserted where?

Police interviewed Barrett and school officials and seized the data memory stick and the computer to determine where the image came from, a state highway patrol spokesman said. "This is going to take hours of intensive investigation," the spokesperson said. "Hours and hours. Maybe days."

Barrett said there were a few snickers from the approximately 20 students in the senior government class at Norwalk High School when the image appeared.

"A few snickers?" See, this is what's wrong with kids today. They just don't know how to respond appropriately when presented with a true educational opportunity. Why, if anybody had of showed us a picture of a nude women back in the day, the janitors would have been hosing kids off the ceiling for a week. We knew how to make our educorporate overlords' efforts worth their while.

Barrett said the school's technology director determined the stick had a directory of nude images in addition to his presentation on civics lessons. "There was 'Voting is Bootilicious,' 'The Housewife and the Pollster,' and ''Debbie Does Democracy,' to name a few, he said.

Barrett said the data memory stick was a gift he received about three weeks ago from a legislative liaison from the state Library of Ohio. "I believe her name was Tawny Spankalot," Barrett said.

What About If You Guys Just All Moved To Another Country? Say, Alabama?

Ah, conservative, christian funny mentalists. The gift that keeps on giving. Seems they can't find anyone up to the moral and ethical caliber of George Bush in the current bus load of screaming whackos (tm) that comprise the republican candidates for president, so they've gone looking elsewhere. Conspiracy conventions, assisted living centers and under bridges we assume, but looking they are and finding they hope to do.

Some of the nation's most spectacularly bonkazoid, pedal to the metal, full bark mode conservative christians, alarmed by the prospect of the country moving into the 21st century, are considering backing a third-party candidate. "You know, we haven't seen the son of god around much in the last 2000 years or so," said Tony Perkins, head of the Family Research Council, a conservative policy group in Washington. "It would really help our cause if we could recruit someone who could turn people voting democratic into ash, or frogs or something."

Participants in the meeting included James Dobson, founder of the Focus on the Family evangelical ministry, and car wash in Colorado Springs, Colo. "The lord has instructed me to direct my minions to take over this country," Dobson said. "In accordance with the best traditions of our democratically elected government of course, which will be bent to my...er...our will. Now excuse me while I speak in tongues. Boom shakalakalaka boom shakalakalaka boom shakalakalaka boom!! Thank you. Please give what you can."

Dobson has said he wouldn't support Giuliani, calling the former New York mayor an "unapologetic supporter of abortion on demand." Dobson has also rejected former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson as wrong on social issues, and wouldn't back John McCain because of the Arizona senator's opposition to a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. When asked if the candidates position on the war, or domestic policy issues entered into his decision, Dobson replied, "What war?"

Richard A. Viguerie, the direct-mail expert and longtime conservative activist would not give specifics of the proposal or reveal additional names of participants, but said President Bush "would not have been elected in '04 without the people in that room. Which is why I've contacted the Federal Marshall's witness protection program. We have got to get these people some protection."

"There is such jaundiced feelings about any promises or commitments from any Republican leaders," Viguerie said in a phone interview. "Republicans are the christian family values party. We should have seen this coming years ago. Too late we find out they're just like us."

A spokesman for the Republican National Committee did not respond to a request for comment, but did hold his index finger up to his temple, twirl it around and then point at Dobson.

The participants were in Salt Lake City for a separate meeting of the secretive Posse for Busting Up The Heathens, a group of conservative business, religious and political studz that was co-founded years ago by Tim LaHaye, author of the "Left Behind" series of books. Vice President Dick Cheney flew into the city Friday to address the group, according to The Salt Lake Tribune but was barred from entering the meeting when the archangel Gabriel appeared at the door and ordered him away.

Viguerie said conservatives "are still open" to former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney. "We like the fact that he's had every position imaginable. We know ours are in there somewhere, it's just a question of which set of beliefs he'll stop on if he gets elected. That's a gamble and we don't do that stuff. Well, not much anyway."

"Conservatives have been treated like a mistress as long as any of us can remember," Viguerie said. "They'll have lots of private meetings with us, tell us how much they appreciate it and how much they value us, but if you see me on the street please don't speak with me."

When asked if that was an appropriate metaphor for a conservative christian group, Viguerie replied that he wasn't sure, but "it worked for Vitter."

Richard Land, head of the public policy arm of the Southern Baptist Convention, was not at the meeting. But he said no one floating the idea of a third party thinks there's much chance the candidate would win. He considers the proposal a reaction to "moguls of the Republican establishment" who think conservative Christians will support the GOP no matter what. "A lot of them won't hold their nose and do it," Land said. When asked what they would hold, Land refused to answer.

We're Sorry. The NewsConference Will Have To Be Posponed Until After Mr. Thompson's Nap

OK, here's something that struck us as a little odd about one of the Bus Load of Screaming Whackos (tm) otherwise known as the republican argument for government sponsored mental health testing and free psycho-pharmaceuticals...er...candidates for president.

Republican presidential contender Fred Thompson, who has based his campaign on not doing much and appealing to conservative voters who are mostly listening to the voices in their heads--or Fox News, said he isn't a regular churchgoer and doesn't plan to speak about his religion on the stump. "Actually I don't want to talk about much of anything," Thompson said. "Just pretend I'm saying what you want to hear."

Excuse us, but isn't that the only thing republicans are supposed to talk about? For example, if gay marriage were outlawed we'd be winning in Iraq, and Osama bin Laden is for stem cell research. It's been in all the papers.

"Actually religious people give me the creeps," Thompson said. "Why don't y'all just keep telling me why you want me for president like you did before?"

Thompson, in his first campaign stop in South Carolina, told a crowd of about 500 Republicans yesterday that he gained his values from "sitting around the kitchen table with his parents and "the good Church of Christ. That ole' bottle a moonshine daddy kept in the cupboard didn't hurt none either.''

Thompson said he usually attends church when he gets lost on the way to the golf course and isn't a member of any church in the Washington area. "I'm all for that holy roller stuff though if that's what it take to get folks to vote for me."

"As long as he was acclimated in some kind of church, involved in the church, that's very important,'' said Jamie Darnell, 27, of Greenville.

Yeah, but Jamie, he just said he wasn't.

"Umm...well...I really don't do half the things I say either."

Asked by reporters later to clarify his stance on religion, Thompson said: ``Me getting up and talking about what a wonderful person I am and that sort of thing, I'm not comfortable with that, and I don't think it does me any good. People will make up their own mind about that, and that's the way I like it.''

Asked what that answer had to do with his stance on religion, Thompson admitted he didn't know but said "that's all you're getting because it's time for my nap. Oh, and Romney sucks."

Thompson, 65, who officially joined the race for the Republican presidential nomination last week because his show went into reruns and no one had offered him a movie role. He spoke at length about the need for a "stronger and more unified program of senior discounts'' to withstand a global battle against young'uns getting all the good stuff off the buffet. Oh, and I'll win the war on terra too. Where's the restroom?"

So far, Thompson hasn't talked in detail about what U.S. foreign policy would look like should he be elected. "Foreign policy is about them folks that live over there," he told reporters, gesturing off in a vague direction. "They don't even have the American tee vee."

The August 1 collapse of a Minneapolis bridge that killed 13 people -- the worst U.S. bridge failure in 25 years --"went down because things aren't being paid attention to at home,'' said Cindy Holden, 57, a nurse who asked the question. In response, Thompson launched into an almost 10-minute answer focused on why it was necessary to overthrow Saddam Hussein. He didn't mention infrastructure.

"Works for me," Holden said.

Jesus Was A Hawkeye Fan. It's Right In The Gospel

You know, back before the holiday, before the presidential candidates went totally insane, we confessed that we hadn't been paying much attention to them. Turns out that may have been a mistake because these guys are better than rasslin' on the tee vee. Or at least some of them are. The rest will probably come along shortly if they don't want to get ignored by the press because they're not saying totally outrageous, fly smack bonkizoid, off the rails and into the corn things. Here's the ante boys and girls:

God's will is for Iowa to have the first-in-the-nation caucus, Democratic presidential candidate Bill Richardson told a crowd. "It says right in the bible that Jesus wanted to be a farmer but his dad made him take up carpentry," he told the crowd. "And if he hadn't been six thousand miles away I'm sure he'd a settled here in Iowa after his savioring days were over. Well, except for that whole ascending into heaven thing."

"Iowa, for good reason, for constitutional reasons, for reasons related to the Lord, should be the first caucus and primary," Richardson said. "See, not only am I a minister, I'm a constitutional expert too. In fact, ole' Tom Jefferson came to me in a dream just the other night and said Bill, he calls me Bill. He said Bill, if we'd a had an Iowa back in my day, we'd ought to a put the first primary there. If we'd a had primaries."

Several people in the crowd snickered after Richardson made the comment, most burst out laughing and several who had been taking a drink when he made the comment had to be treated by paramedics because they shot so much beer through their noses they almost drowned.

"That was a little weird," said Sioux City resident Joe Shufro. "OK, it was a lot weird, but that's why I come to these things. Is that guy running for something?"

Sioux City resident Jan Hodge agreed that Richardson's statement was odd. "It's the kind of thing that would make me wince if, for instance, George Bush said it because we know he's completely wacko" Hodge said. "Richardson has the saving grace of not taking himself too seriously. Besides he was drunk. Wasn't he?"

Much of the crowd that had gathered earlier to hear Hillary and Bill Clinton had left by 1 p.m. when Richardson took the stage. "I want you to know who was the first candidate to sign a pledge not to campaign anywhere if they got ahead of Iowa. It was Bill Richardson," he said. "And I also want you to know Jesus will send floods and plagues to any state that gets ahead of Iowa."

Part of Richardson's promises includes a goal to reduce the age for Medicare eligibility from 65 to 55. "I'm particularly interested in the mental health programs they have," he told the crowd.

Senator Obama Announced Today That If A Majority Of People Vote For Him, He'll Win

Like most people with a life we haven't been paying much attention to the bus loads full of presidential wannabes careening about the country. We haven't seen any of the 14, 236 debates, Don't really care that Hillary and Osamabama don't get along and aren't surprised that Giuliani and the Mittster have drug addicts and perverts working for them. Hypocritical perverts at that.

That being said, when we read this from the Edwards campaign, it gave us pause. What drew us to this post was a small flickering of interest in what Edwards had to say about New Orleans, having spent many evenings in the company of good friends, fine food and excellent music in that particular region of the country. Some good, if fairly typical ideas were broached, but what gave us pause was this:

Edwards will enact a new requirement - "Brownie's Law" - ensuring that senior political appointees actually are qualified to perform the job to which they are appointed.

OK, present administration excepted, do we really need a law that says people should be able to do their jobs? We mean, isn't that like a given or something? Do we have mechanical engineers doing brain surgery? Are accountants flying the space shuttle? Are sanitation workers programming computers? Are idiots and bigots running for elective office? OK scratch that last one. Now, we understand that there are certain people currently...erm...serving in government for whom this might be a revelation, but has the rest of the country suddenly come down with a terminal case of the flaming stupids?

When did it become a mark of intellectual acumen to state the blindingly obvious as if it were the grand unifying theory of everything? Is this what we have to look forward to in the campaign:

BREAKING: Senator Hillary Clinton announced today that, if elected she would become the first woman president in the history of this nation. In other news, up is still above you and down still below.

OK, if that's the way they want to play it, we plan to give as good as we get. We are hereby announcing a condition to be known as "Bush Syndrome." Sufferers of "BS" are incapable of explaining sophisticated concepts, cannot grasp any kind of complexity, and often resort to stating common truths with the wide eyed innocence and wonder of three year olds. As a public service of this blog and when we feel like it, we will bring to your attention outbreaks of BS along the campaign trail.

Umm...when we start paying attention that is. Hey, you aren't the boss of us.

Oh, and apparently one of the side effects of BS is that the infected like to run for public office, but the really scary part is we elect these people, making us sufferers of Bush Syndrome by Proxy. Hooray for America!

You Can Only Win If You Win. Unless You Don't.

We like to read the corporate media scandal sheets...er...newspapers as much as the next guy, if the next guy is killing time waiting for the freezer to put that extra layer of crispness on a bottle of Stoli. So recently while wading through the obligatory Clinton cleavage stories we ran across this headline: Why Each Leading GOP Candidate Will Not Win the Party Nomination.

Intriguing, thinks us. If no republican runs for office does that mean the whole thing will be called off? Will Hillary and Obama will go at it with Edwards and Gravel as respective vice presidential candidates? Can the republicans nominate Reagan even though he's dead? Would anyone notice? Could we borrow Canada's president?

We're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's find out why the republicans won't nominate anyone:

Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani is personally popular and has a solid core of support. But, it is easy to argue that America's Mayor can't win the nomination because his views on social and cultural issues are out of step with a more conservative political party. Plus he's insane.

Former Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson is looking good as a non-candidate and has soared in early polling. But it is easy to envision Thompson tanking once he formally enters the race and is forced to endure the grind of debates and other routine challenges. Lord knows republicans hate having to actually work for anything. How bourgeois, how proletariat, how...ethnic.

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney looks good on camera, on his resume, and in his bank account. But, he has failed to gain traction with GOP voters nationally. Well, that's not surprising since you need a scorecard to keep up with his positions. Plus it's OK with republicans if you hate minorities, but you better be nice to your dog.

Finally, there's Arizona Senator John McCain. Of the four candidates in double digits, it's the easiest to show why he won't win the nomination. Within his own party, McCain is viewed favorably 54% and unfavorably by 40%, and a large majority (65%) believe the constitution prohibits electing a president over 100 years old.

So, if none of the top tier can win, who will it be? Someone from the second tier? Someone from the outside? Alan Keyes? Well, by outside we meant someone outside of the current gaggle of candidates, not outside reality. But let's see what the article says:

But, while it is easy to explain why each of those men will not win the GOP nomination, one of them will.

We're sorry. Did you just say the people who can't win will win?

But, while it is easy to explain why each of those men will not win the GOP nomination, one of them will.

That's what we thought you said. Excuse us a moment. We're going to check on the Stoli.

McCain is certainly the least likely. His only hope at this point lies in the fact that the other three may all be kidnapped by aliens.

It's also tough for Romney to win without some help. However, if Thompson falters, Romney might be in the right place to pick up the pieces for Republicans who want somebody other than Giuliani. By this time, republicans who actually want somebody competent or at least consistent will have left the party or committed suicide.

It's easier to see a path to victory for Thompson or Giuliani. Thompson has to show he's for real after entering the race while Giuliani has to demonstrate he can reach out to some GOP voters who don't share his position on cultural issues. In other words, both men have to violate their personal standards, abandon any scruples they might have and madly pander to clueless people they secretly despise. In other words, become typical politicians. The one who does that best will win.

OK, let's recap. No one can win, but someone will win because everybody has a chance to win. We hope you are enlightened now. This has been a public service of Ironicus Maximus brought to you in part by the Corporation for Stating the Blindingly Obvious in cooperation with the Office of Brain Numbing Articles Reporters Get Paid To Write.

Does Fox News Do A Blog?

Regular readers of this blog...you were expecting a zinger, weren't you? Go on, admit it. You think this blog has become predictable. You think the spark has gone out of our relationship. We've seen the way you look at other blogs. We're not blind you know. You could put a little effort into this too, you know. Why are we always the ones who do the work? Why are we always the ones who have to carry the conversation? You just come in here, plop down and throw your feet up and expect to be entertained. When's the last time you left a comment, huh? When's the last time you even cared? We just...it's...sorry, give us a minute.

Well, anyway, where were we? Oh, yeah. Regular readers of this blog will remember that on the odd occasion we like to poke a little good hearted fun at state legislators. There's Virginia, for example, and Kansas, and South Carolina and, well Virginia, and...erm...Virginia. OK, moving right along, the point is, life here in the winter water wonderland is not without its, how shall we say, legislative high jinks and wackiness.

After a post went up on Blogging For Michigan about the wrong-doings of one of Michigan state senate majority leader Mike Bishop's cronies, out-of-touch Senator Bruce Patterson, Bishop's Chief of Staff Matt Miner, called Secretary of the Senate Carol Viventi and instructed her to block access to all blogs from the Senate offices. "It's just not right that Mr. Patterson's cynical attack on universities be subjected to this kind of scrutiny." Miner said. "I mean, come on, he got elected fair and square. Why should you care what he does now?"

After quickly realizing that all blogs also included the blogs on the Republican leaning, The Detroit News, they specifically only blocked Blogging for Michigan. "'Blocking' is such a harsh word," Miner said. "We prefer to call it selective acceptance."

Hmm...nice try, but what else you got?

The story, according to Bishop, was that the site was run by Democratic Senate staffers. "This is a political ploy by the democrats to make the do nothing republican senate look like it does nothing. Wait, let me rephrase that."

OK, you think about that senator Bishop. Got anything to add Mr. Miner?

"I don't think it's appropriate," Miner said. "I'm not blocking them (blogs) all because some are informational, like the ones I agree with. Oh, and puppies. Those puppy blogs are really cute."

Careful, you may have just alienated the cat vote. What about you Matt Marsden, spokesperson for Senate Majority Leader Bishop, what's your take on all this?

The site is of "questionable political matter" and "overtly political." Surfing such a site "is an unacceptable use of state time and funds," Mr. Marsden said. When asked to define "questionable political matter," Mr. Masden replied that anything that "says bad things about us" is questionable. "Senator Bishop is very sensitive, " Masden said. "He cries at movies all the time."

Yeah. Movies like Roger and Me, The Corporation, Who Killed The Electric Car. Real tear jerkers. Anyway, it turns out this whole thing is much ado about nothing because senator Bishop caved and unblocked Blogging for Michigan saying it was all just a big misunderstanding. "When the republicans in Washington did away with the constitution, we thought that we could do that too. Turns out voiding the first amendment is a federal power. Boy, do we have egg on our faces."

Yeah. Well, take your time cleaning it off because the state runs out of money October 1, and while the democratic governor has been trying to get the republican senate to do something about the budget, they've been on vacation and are only planning on being in session nine days in September.

Virginia is starting to look pretty good.