Wednesday, September 12, 2007

We're Sorry. The NewsConference Will Have To Be Posponed Until After Mr. Thompson's Nap

OK, here's something that struck us as a little odd about one of the Bus Load of Screaming Whackos (tm) otherwise known as the republican argument for government sponsored mental health testing and free for president.

Republican presidential contender Fred Thompson, who has based his campaign on not doing much and appealing to conservative voters who are mostly listening to the voices in their heads--or Fox News, said he isn't a regular churchgoer and doesn't plan to speak about his religion on the stump. "Actually I don't want to talk about much of anything," Thompson said. "Just pretend I'm saying what you want to hear."

Excuse us, but isn't that the only thing republicans are supposed to talk about? For example, if gay marriage were outlawed we'd be winning in Iraq, and Osama bin Laden is for stem cell research. It's been in all the papers.

"Actually religious people give me the creeps," Thompson said. "Why don't y'all just keep telling me why you want me for president like you did before?"

Thompson, in his first campaign stop in South Carolina, told a crowd of about 500 Republicans yesterday that he gained his values from "sitting around the kitchen table with his parents and "the good Church of Christ. That ole' bottle a moonshine daddy kept in the cupboard didn't hurt none either.''

Thompson said he usually attends church when he gets lost on the way to the golf course and isn't a member of any church in the Washington area. "I'm all for that holy roller stuff though if that's what it take to get folks to vote for me."

"As long as he was acclimated in some kind of church, involved in the church, that's very important,'' said Jamie Darnell, 27, of Greenville.

Yeah, but Jamie, he just said he wasn't.

"Umm...well...I really don't do half the things I say either."

Asked by reporters later to clarify his stance on religion, Thompson said: ``Me getting up and talking about what a wonderful person I am and that sort of thing, I'm not comfortable with that, and I don't think it does me any good. People will make up their own mind about that, and that's the way I like it.''

Asked what that answer had to do with his stance on religion, Thompson admitted he didn't know but said "that's all you're getting because it's time for my nap. Oh, and Romney sucks."

Thompson, 65, who officially joined the race for the Republican presidential nomination last week because his show went into reruns and no one had offered him a movie role. He spoke at length about the need for a "stronger and more unified program of senior discounts'' to withstand a global battle against young'uns getting all the good stuff off the buffet. Oh, and I'll win the war on terra too. Where's the restroom?"

So far, Thompson hasn't talked in detail about what U.S. foreign policy would look like should he be elected. "Foreign policy is about them folks that live over there," he told reporters, gesturing off in a vague direction. "They don't even have the American tee vee."

The August 1 collapse of a Minneapolis bridge that killed 13 people -- the worst U.S. bridge failure in 25 years --"went down because things aren't being paid attention to at home,'' said Cindy Holden, 57, a nurse who asked the question. In response, Thompson launched into an almost 10-minute answer focused on why it was necessary to overthrow Saddam Hussein. He didn't mention infrastructure.

"Works for me," Holden said.

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