We're coming to you today from the Future of Democracy Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The FoD Department is right across from the Office of What Did We Do To Deserve This Company, a wholly owned subsidy of Let's All Move To Belize, Inc.
Like it or not today is caucus day in Iowa (motto: Why Else Would You Come?) and as a public service we thought it would be useful to supply you with the results so you can skip the news and get right to the Stoli. Oh wait, that's us. So, without further ado, the results, all summed up concisely and without the complication of rational thought--just the way voters like it.
The Democrats
Barak Obama: Obviously not in jail or college so does not truly qualify as a black man. Still endorsement by Oprah means his book will will win the caucus.
Hillary Clinton: Invented Al Gore who then invented the Lockbox in which is stored health care for reservists. Will not win in Iowa but will leave Bill stranded at a Marriot in Ottumwa much to the delight of the participants in the Miss Ida County Holstein Kickoff Parade Queen Contest.
John Edwards: Will come in second in Iowa but will miss his flight to New Hampshire while getting a haircut. Later, will come across Tucker Carlson outside a gay bar in Ossipee and beat him senseless with his own umbrella.
Remaining Democrats: Decide to carpool to New Hampshire and are lost in a blizzard outside Minonk, Illinois. The press doesn't notice until May when a rumor surfaces that Kucinich has been kidnapped by the Zeta Reticuli.
The Republicans
Mitt Romney: In a surprise that causes several polling companies to go out of business, Romney wins the caucus handily, but tragically is set upon by a pack of Irish Setters on his way back from his victory party, strapped to the top of a stolen animal control van and driven to Canada where, according to Customs Requirements, he must be quarantined until after the election.
Mike Huckabee: Surprisingly poor showing due to the fact that Huckabee supporters report being stopped at their doors on the way to the caucus by the angel Gabriel and given to believe Huckabee might be a murderer. Later it was determined the "angels" were really Pakistani Police investigating why Huckabee had apologized for the Bhutto assassination, but by that time the caucus was over. Officials of the Pakistani police later apologized for the misunderstanding and promised that agents operating in the United States would wear western style clothes henceforth.
John McCain: Makes a strong second place showing, but decides to leave politics and pursue a singing career. His first album, Straight Talking War Hero produces only one hit, his cover of Neil Young's Old Man.
Rest of the Republicans: Rudy Giuliani and Ron Paul move their campaigns into Second Life where the Ron Paul blimp attempts to recreate the 9/11 attack but Mayor Giuliani, foils the attack by lashing himself to the north Tower and refusing to leave, even after 5:00 pm when all the police and firemen go home. Sends NYPD to pick up his girlfriend so she can bring him fruitcake which he vows to survive on until Osama bin Laden is captured. Meanwhile Fred Thompson admits he thought his whole campaign was an episode of Law and Order. "I've got to pay more attention at rehearsals," the chagrined former candidate told reporters.
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