You Don't Really Have To Win To Win, As Long As You Win

OK, so last week we favored you with our predictions for the Iowa Caucus which turned out pretty well. Sure we totally messed up the Republican side, and it turns out Obama actually won the caucus and not his book as we had predicted, but Edwards came in second and we got that right which puts us in the same league as Bill Kristol, so we're feeling pretty good about now.

This week, however we thought instead of a blanket projection we'd focus in on a single candidate and give you, our reader(s), the benefit of our high powered analytical skills closely focused on a single campaign.

Or we could just pile on Hillary Clinton.

Her front-runner status gone, Democrat Hillary Clinton said she will continue to battle for her party's nomination for the November U.S. presidential election even if Barack Obama doesn't have an "accident" on his way to a campaign rally.

Now what could have happened to upset the apple cart so dramatically in Senator Clinton's campaign? It's got to be the positions of the two candidates, right? We mean, what with all the press coverage and what not, the divergence in their views has got to be out there for all to see. Right Benjamin Ginsberg, a political science professor at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore? "It's Wal-Mart and Kmart - they're occupying the same space."

Oh, well then. Must be the boobies.

Obama, a senator from Illinois bidding to make history as the first black U.S. president, has been capitalizing on his surprise win in the Iowa caucuses. "Oh, yeah. Obama's 'black' like Hillary's a 'woman.'" said a Clinton campaign aide. "OK, that didn't come out right."

Got it. Where's the white guy when you need him?

If Ugly Was a Drop Of Water, Hllary'd Be The Pacific Ocean. But We'd Totally Hit That

OK, granted it's Monday after a weekend, which means we're a little...erm...out of phase. Now, we're not using that as an excuse for not watching the latest republican...ah...whatdyacallit...cliche' fest...no...panderrama...uh uh...Fred Thompson wake...mmm...oh, "debate." That's what the adults call it. Anyway, we didn't watch it because, well because there was fly dandruff in the pepper that needed to be removed. And after that the sock drawer was in a total state of chaos, plus we noticed our neighbor had painted his garage so we had to watch that dry.

We think you get our point. Turns out though, that like everyone else with an IQ above that of sparkling water the republicans are getting tired of each other because now they've started "debating" Hillary Clinton.

The bus load of screaming whackos (tm) staged their most contentious and personal "debate" of the long campaign season, clashing sharply over abortion, immigration, tort reform and their readiness to challenge Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D - Uppity Woman) in a general election.

The "debate's" opening minutes included a series of hissy fits that illustrated the growing stakes in the nominating battle. Former New York mayor Rudolph W. 9/11 and former Massachusetts governor Mitt position a day Romney were quickly put on the defensive, fending off criticism leveled by former senator Fred D. Thompson who managed to stay awake for twenty minutes of the "debate." A personal best. Thompson questioned their conservative credentials."If you were a true conservative you'd drive over to Hillary's house and egg it," Thompson said.

"I stopped 9/11 all by myself and rebuilt New York," Giuliani. "I'm not afraid of Hillary."

"Yeah, well if she was here right now I'd...I'd...I'd call her a big fat hag right to her face,"Romney said.

Thompson raked Giuliani for having supported federal funding of abortion, voting for the reelection of Democrat Mario Cuomo for governor in 1994, backing gun control and making New York a sanctuary city for immigrants. "He sides with Hillary Clinton on each of those issues," Thompson said.

"Do not," Giuliani responded.

"Do too," Romney added. "I bet you want to go steady with her."

Giuliani then jumped on Thompson, attacking his record in the Senate of opposing GOP-sponsored legislation to limit costly lawsuits. "Fred was the single biggest obstacle to tort reform in the United States Senate," he said. "He stood with democrats over and over again. Hillary's a democrat you know."

"What's a tort?" asked Thomapson.

One of the most personal attacks came when senator John McCain joined the fray, taking umbrage at Romney's recent statement that he speaks for the "Republican wing" of the Republican Party. "Governor Romney, you've been spending the last year trying to fool people about your record," McCain said. "I don't want you to start fooling them about mine. I stand on my record. I stand on my record of a conservative. Plus I once tried to run Hillary over."

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, who has been crowding his way into the top tier of the race, stood by throughout the early exchanges, then chided the others for attacking one another, saying, "Hey. I'm running for president too. Can somebody accuse me of liking Hillary?"

Prodded by Fox News's Chris Wallace, the Republican candidates unloaded on Clinton, describing her as unfit to be commander in chief, determined to create a government-run health system and a big-spending tax hiker, and an ugly headed poopy face. "I'm supposed to ask you guys questions about health care, the economy and the war and stuff people care about, but let's just forget that and call Hillary names," Wallace said.

"Fine with me," Romney replied. "I have so many positions I can't keep them straight anyway."

"Can we at least talk about 9/11," Giuliani asked.

"I'm a war hero," McCain said.

"Is there a restroom nearby?" Thompson wanted to know.

Wallace turned to Giuliani and compared him to Clinton, Giuliani said simply: "You've got to be kidding. You have got to be kidding." He quoted Clinton as saying: "I have a million ideas; America cannot afford them all," and then, with a sneer, said: "No kidding, Hillary -- America can't afford you."

"Oh no he di nit" the audience responded.

While the candidates echoed Bush's positions on several issues, they distinguished themselves from him as more hawkish on foreign policy, declaring that they would take a harder line against Russia and Iran. "All Bush could manage was to start two wars," Giuliani said. "If elected I'll be at war with Iran and North Korea before inauguration day.

"Yeah, well I'll be at war with Iran, North Korea and Mexico before the votes are counted," Romney countered.

"Gentlemen. Can we just get back to calling Hillary names," Fox news correspondent Wallace asked.

"Aren't we already at war with Iran," Thompson wanted to know.

"That's Iraq, senator. Try to keep up," Wallace answered.

Tancredo, Hunter and Paul played smaller roles. Tancredo accused House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Woman too.) of interfering in foreign policy and provoking Turkey at a sensitive moment by pushing a resolution on Armenian genocide. "Nancy Pelosi is not a very good speaker of the House, and she is an even lousier secretary of state," he said.

"Wait. I thought we were talking about Hillary," said Romney.

"They all look alike to me," Giuliani said.

"Nancy Pelosi" Isn't that Reagan's wife? asked Thompson.

Hunter answered a question about Social Security with a lecture on trade policy, prompting an incredulous Hume to ask: "Do you really think we can solve the Social Security and Medicare entitlement programs with trade policy?"

"No, but I'm sure Hillary does," Hunter responded.

Paul spoke passionately against the war in Iraq. But he also accused his Republican rivals of being for big government. "Our big-government conservatives, they're part of the neo-conservative movement. They've lost their traditions about traditional conservatism and the Constitution."

"I know you are, but what am I?" asked Romney.

"I hear Hillary likes the Constitution too." Giuliani said.

"Who's Hillary?" Thompson asked. By then most of the audience had left to watch Alan Keyes debate the Zorgons in the park across the street.

Tell Me What You Believe So I Can Believe It Too

Much as we hate to admit it, the inescapable fact is we're going to have to elect somebody president if there's anything left of the country when Bush gets done. And even if there isn't, after all these folks have invested of other people's money in crafting a media image that corresponds to data collected from numerous focus groups and having their beliefs created by top of the line pollsters, whoever wins, or has the best Diebold voting machine hackers, will want to live in the White House even if all they do is chase the rats out and try to keep roving gangs of starving urban refugees from looting the place for firewood.

So, as a public service we here in the marbled halls of IM Central are going to simplify your life by telling you to vote for Hillary. She's going to win anyway. It's in all the papers, and she's the only one of the clot of candidates that has successfully been on all sides of every issue, but hasn't had the press look past her cleavage. In other words, the perfect choice: A president who agrees with everything, and a Em Ess Em with four years worth of booby stories. Check out her latest defense of lobbyists:

The subject of lobbyists' contributions came up. Edwards and Obama do not take such contributions, and Clinton was asked about why she does. "Well, duh. Because that's where the money is," she responded. "Why do you think we have elections anyway?"

Clinton said she has fought against special interests for many years. "My record on standing up and fighting for people really speaks for itself," she said. "Well, when it's not speaking for Morgan Stanley."

Clinton added that "A lot of those lobbyists, whether you like it or not, represent real Americans such as nurses, teachers and others who need a voice in the halls of government." Speaking as professional educators, we'd like to thank senator Clinton for her work on our behalf. Umm...what was that you did for us again senator?

Well, no matter. You can get back to us on that. See, the point is, whatever the issue, Clinton agrees with both sides, so who better to bring this fractured nation together. As long as she doesn't have to actually do anything other than agree, but hey, look at the last seven years. Do you really want another president who does stuff?

Hey Handsome. Want To Come Up To My Place And See My Earmarks?

One of the highlights of the four years we spent high in school...er...in high school, was our good friend Tommy Phillips, whose dad was a photographer, or an artist, or a railroad worker, or a longshoreman. We didn't know, but the point is, he had a subscription to Playboy and every month, when the new edition came he would "throw out" the old one. And by "throw out" we mean look away long enough for Tommy to get out the door with it. This occasioned great interest around Tommy's locker, at least until Mr. Lapius the wrestling coach came by to "confiscate" the magazine and warn that "the next time" he was calling parents. Good thing Mr. Lapius had a bad memory because he never called anyone. Tommy's father never wondered where his old Playboys disappeared to, and life went on. And it was good.

We tell you this by way of introduction to some public service comments we'd like to send out to the authors and defenders of this article.

First of all, IT'S HILLARY FREAKING CLINTON!!1!! Do you not go out of your houses? Do you ever visit the beach? Do you watch the tee vee? Sweet hopscotching Jebus dudes, that isn't cleavage. This is cleavage.

The second issue we feel the need to address is WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT HILLARY'S CHEST??!!??1!! Look, we enjoy the sight...er...we appreciate a good...uh...Well, never mind. The point is when you look at the...erm...competition, obsessing on Hillary's...let's say attributes, is like going to the Louvre and looking at the graffiti in the john. No offense Ms. Clinton. Please don't have us killed like you did Vince Foster.

OK, so the original article was written by a woman, Robin Givhan, who apparently has some cleavage issues of her own. That's her on the right. Yeah, we're not impressed either. Anyway Robin says Hillary's display of what for lack of a better word we'll call cleavage is a "provocation," sort of like if Barak Osamabama showed up for work in a wife beater or something we guess. But the bigger question is who's being provoked? Her fellow senators? Just the republicans? After her speech did she lean over the podium and say, "Hey Boehner, can't touch this"?

And what if she did? Look, the average age in the senate is 112. Let the old people have their fun. Which brings us to John Hardwood...er...Harwood, who apparently was "provoked" by the fact that Hillary is naked under her clothes. He said, "When you look at the calculation that goes into everything that Hillary Clinton does, for her to argue that she was not aware of what she was communicating by her dress is like Barry Bonds saying he thought he was rubbing down with flaxseed oil."

Now, let's start with the fact that in Harwood's mind, microscopic views of Hillary's cleavage (and we must point out again we're using the word under protest) get linked with images of a big, strapping black athlete being rubbed down with oil.

That's just disturbing.

Harwood says Hillary is "calculating" so she knew full well when she put on that outfit it would upset him. Dude, get over yourself. And call this lady. You need some...uh...therapy.

As for Hillary, she's turned the whole thing into a fund raising opportunity. Apparently her philosophy is when life gives you melons, make melonade

In Other News, McCain Thinks Giuliani Is A Fat Head

We're coming to you today from the My Daddy's Bigger Than Your Daddy Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Seems the Emm Ess Emm, or as we like to call them, Reporters Without Enough Seniority to be Assigned to Britney or Paris, have decided that Hillary and Barack are a spattin'. Presidential hopeful Barack Obama reminded Senate colleagues that he'd opposed the Iraq war from the start — the latest flare-up in a continuing clash over the conflict with his chief Democratic rival Hillary Rodham Clinton. Despite repeated requests from reporters, Obama would not drive over to Clinton's office and throw a rock through her window. "Does this guy really have what it takes to lead the free world?" Fox commentator John Gibson asked. "He's not white, you know."

Since the media have decided that both candidates' credibility and leadership are on the line because that's easier than writing about their positions, Obama said he wanted to make his record clear. "Look, if John Edwards can apologize even 15 seconds for voting for the war, I can remind you just as often that I didn't." When a reporter reminded him that he was supposed to be attacking Clinton he added, "Yeah. Um...She's kind of chunky, don't you think?"

The matter came to a head at a forum at Harvard University, where Clinton strategist Mark Penn squared off with Obama adviser David Axelrod over the Illinois senator's voting record on the war. "Obama ugly," said Penn. "So's yo mama," Axelrod responded.

In an editorial in the Wall Street Journal, guest columnist Matt Drudge characterized the debate as "one of the most important exchanges in the campaign. And I'm not gay."

"Iraq is the issue that is first among equals right now, and these candidates are under incredible pressure from party activists to talk about it in a detailed way," Democratic strategist Erik Smith said. "So when Obama tells us he's against the war, we need to know more. What was he wearing the day he decided to oppose it? How did he get to work? Is he a dog person or a cat person? If he could be a tree, what kind of tree would he be?"

Clinton has been under pressure from Democratic activists critical of her vote. She's refused to repudiate the vote, but has harshly criticized the conduct of the war, saying "if we knew then what we know now" she never would have voted as she did. "How was I to know I'd be up against a black man in the primaries?"

Voters care more about ending the Iraq conflict than revisiting how it started. "That's true," said Obama aide Axelrod. So the senator is going to continue supporting toothless resolutions that Bush can ignore."

"The same goes for Senator Clinton," added Penn. "That's a policy both camps can agree on." Later, reporters told Axelrod that a rumor was going around that Penn had called him names at lunch in the cafeteria. Senator Obama's office later released a statement that said both camps would work out their differences "at recess."